Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

To Jimin, the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth wasn’t the only miracle to happen on Easter Day.

Revving up the 2000 Husqvarna on the cracked pavement of his apartment parking lot, Jimin could not believe the luck he had. The start of the week was actually pretty shitty for him, with him having given a supply of drugs to a man who didn’t seem to have any intention of paying him back.

But there had to have been some angel looking out for Jimin, as his client turned out to be the son of a motorcycle collector. It was for this reason that the following trade was able to be made: a motorcycle for the supply of heroin. This helped Jimin’s mood change from the subtle temptation to throttle the other man to giddily preparing to take the motorcycle on a ride.

He wasn’t planning on keeping the motorcycle long term. After all, he had bills to pay and no time to fully enjoy it. That being said, he did have to actually test out the motorcycle to see how it worked. Besides, it might take a while to deal with everything that came with selling the bike, so it wouldn’t hurt to have a bit of fun with it.

That, and showing it off to Jae.

Feeling the machine beneath him roar to life, Jimin gleefully pulled his bag on his lap one last time to check that he had everything he needed for the ride. Turns out, he already had two helmets hidden away in his closet along with all the other shit he had crammed in there, so that was easily dealt with. With all the laws and regulations motorcyclists had to follow in the country, Jimin was sure he was probably fucking something up, so it didn’t hurt to avoid one misdemeanor.

Beneath the other helmet was an extra jacket, his wallet, his nearly dead cellphone, and a few other amenities strewn around, crammed between the folds of the jacket. Also his drugs, he couldn’t go too far without those, but he hoped the withdrawal wouldn’t start to kick in until he was already done driving.

Satisfied that he had everything, Jimin squeezed the gas and started on his way. As the machine jerked to life underneath him, he cursed the fact that he hadn’t actually ridden one in four years. If he did manage to get Jae to ride the bike with him, it wouldn’t be good for Jimin’s image to wipe out and risk breaking a bone or two.

But he had plenty of experience in his high school days, so he would just have to make do. Shifting his body slightly to adjust his balance, he pulled out of the parking spot and drove into the road right outside of his apartment. With it being the end of April, the weather was still not much above freezing. The exhaust coming from the motorcycle was warm, and as Jimin rode a path of steam from both his face and the exhaust pipes followed him.

Even in the decrepit part of town Jimin lived in, he liked this time of year. It was still cool outside like it almost always was, but there were a few more daylight hours to actually be able to get things done without fear of being shanked in the streets. He remembered how nice it was to have an entire week off for Easter when he was still a student. Maybe he shouldn’t have dropped out of high school, but he had more important things to do than to get his degree at twenty-five years old.

The trip to Jae’s neighborhood was usually a forty-five minute walk, but Jimin imagined he could halve that time with the motorcycle. And he was glad for this, as the frigid Scandinavian air began to dry out his nasal cavity and agitate his sinuses. As he rolled up to a stoplight just outside of the apartment complex, Jimin pulled his turtleneck sweater up slightly to try and cover his nose. He did not have the time nor the patience to deal with sinusitis.

Driving through the outskirts of Stockholm, sunrise had kicked in fully. The buildings on either side of the road casted intense shadows onto whoever passed under, their Eastern sides illuminated in tangerine light. It looked warmer than it actually was, the stimulatory difference between sight and sensation confusing Jimin’s groggy brain.

Jimin hoped that he would get to Jae’s house before the man left for the day. He knew that Jae’s mother was a busy woman who had a job at a hospital in Stockholm, and he had heard through his sister that Jae would be having a lonely Easter. This didn’t cut it for Jimin, who himself had unofficially been banned from his family’s home. Knowing that Sophie would be with their family, he had to take it upon himself to visit the younger man.

He was making good time getting over to Jae’s house, already seeing the more suburban areas surrounding the city less than fifteen minutes into his drive. At this rate, he expected to arrive within ten minutes. He probably could have made it sooner, but people seemed to be taking the morning to drive over to family members’ houses for the holiday. Jimin would have been annoyed at this, but it’s not like he was exactly in a rush today. And it’s not like he was much different from anyone else on the road.

Taking a turn off the motorway, Jimin was greeted by the sight of the forested exit. Jimin always enjoyed the woods, but he didn’t have the resources to just fuck off from urban society and go live in the forest. After all, he doubted there was a plug in the woods. Real shame.

There weren’t as many people going on this route, so Jimin began to get lost in his thoughts as he considered if Jae was even awake yet. It couldn’t have been much past 7:00 AM, and with the other man’s tendency to stay up at night it wouldn’t be surprising if he were to sleep until noon today.

It was for this reason that Jimin did a double take when he turned a corner and saw Jae walking on the sidewalk, bag slung on his side. Holy shit, things were looking up for Jimin today! He killed the motorcycle, bringing it to an abrupt stop that he suspected wasn’t good for the brakes. If it weren’t the familiar stature of the man that confirmed his identity, it was the Freedom Music Festival hoodie he was wearing.

Jae was startled by the sudden noise of the brakes, and he pivoted quickly to check his six. Upon seeing Jimin staring dumbly at him, perched upon a dark colored motorcycle, Jae’s shocked expression quickly morphed to one of confusion.

“Where the hell did you get a motorcycle? You stole it from someone?”

Jimin shook his head, pulling his bag forward. “Nope, looks like JC has blessed me today. Come on, I have an extra helmet for you. I used to ride all the time back in high school.”

Jae seemed wary, but he did begin to slowly approach where Jimin had pulled the motorcycle up to the sidewalk. “Are you just saying that to make me trust you enough to get on there?”

“Nah, man, I had a friend with rich parents, I used to ride with him and a few others. I guess the novelty of it wore off after a while, so I didn’t get to do it as much, but some guy offered me this in trade for some… supply, so I thought this would be useful to sell for some extra cash.”

This was an oversimplification of the story, but he could tell Jae the rest later.

Handing the helmet over to Jae, he flexed his eyebrow as he looked both Jimin and the motorcycle over. “Is this all you have planned for Easter? Riding a motorcycle?”

Jimin snorted. “Oh sure, like you’re one to judge on holiday plans.”

Jae’s face contorted in agitation, but not seeing anything else to really do today, he decided to just go along with it. He covered his raven hair with the comedically contrasting neon green helmet, buckling the straps as he prepared to mount the motorcycle. He clearly wasn’t used to riding one, with the way he struggled to get on board. Jimin noted how even with the limited seating, Jae seemed to be purposefully keeping his physical distance.

“Come on, Jae, like this. There, just put your leg there, and wrap your arms around my waist, tightly. You don’t need to be so gentle.” Jimin guided the other man through the process of getting on board. It may have just been the cold air, but Jae seemed to be slightly flushed from what was happening.

As they prepared to get going, Jimin liked the warmth he felt from Jae’s slender arms wrapped firmly around his chest. He could feel Jae’s own chest pressed against his back, but not Jae’s waist. Whatever, Jae probably had it figured out. With everything he needed on his bike, Jimin prepared to get going.

“Ready?”

“Uh, yeah, but where are we go-“

Jae was cut off by the sensation of the motorcycle shooting forward. He clearly hadn’t done this before, with the way he nearly ripped Jimin off the damn bike. Stopping against the sidewalk, Jimin turned to look back at the black-haired man.

“Hey dude, you gotta lean forward a bit more. You have to go along with it.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t drive like a jackass.” A combination of frustration and embarrassment left Jae agitated.

“Well, you know what? Fine, I’ll drive slowly for a bit through the suburbs so you can get used to this before we go on the motorway.”

“The motorway? Could you please tell me where we’re going, Min?”

“North, I guess. Just a nice drive to clear my head and test this thing out. Brought you along because it didn’t seem like you had anything else going on.”

“We’re going further north? It’s already cold enough down here, it will just get colder as we travel further upward.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, I have a jacket in my bag you can use.”

Turning the engine back on, Jimin began to slowly drive around the suburbs. The speed limit in the neighborhood was 30 KPH, but Jimin decided to go 20 instead so Jae could get used to the movements of the motorcycle. As they crossed several blocks of houses, stopping and starting at intersections, occasionally seeing people enter and leave their homes on that chilly morning, Jimin noticed that Jae wasn’t jerking around as much as they drove around, which was comforting. He still seemed to be stiff, though, and the drive around wasn’t doing much to alleviate that.

A truck driver that drove up behind them didn’t seem to appreciate how slow they were going, as he immediately made an illegal move and pulled to Jimin’s left in the opposite lane, nearly hitting the two of them. A bit pissed by this, Jimin turned to flip the man off, but was distracted by the view of himself and Jae in the man’s rearview mirror. In just a few seconds, Jimin immediately went from being pissed to laughing his ass off.

“Min? What are you laughing about?”

Jimin turned to look back at Jae, taking in the man’s perturbed look. “The fuck you mean, what am I laughing at? Look at the way you’re sitting, man!”

With how Jae was seated upon the motorcycle, he did look ridiculous. His ass was stuck out at an awkward angle with his upper body folded against Jimin’s back. No wonder he was so stiff, it was probably taking all his upper body strength not to fall over.

Jae frowned as Jimin continued laughing in his face. “Jae, man, you gotta get a bit closer man, you’re going to fall off if you keep sitting like that. Come on, scoot in.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to get too close.”

As Jimin pulled over again, he looked back over his shoulder. “Dude, we only have so much room on this thing, you have to close the gap.”

The only thing relieving Jae in this moment was the fact that he could blame his blush on the biting weather. “I know, but I don’t want people getting the wrong idea, you know…”

“Oh, do I? Care to elaborate on what that wrong idea is, Jae?”

“I, well…” Jae groaned dramatically and shoved his gloved palm against his flushed face. “Just shut up, I’m scooting forward.”

As Jae began to press his clothed crotch against Jimin’s ass, Jimin turned away right in time so Jae wouldn’t see the way his face twisted. With all the teasing he had just done to the younger man, it would be awfully embarrassing for it to be turned back on him. Jae’s pelvis felt even warmer than his chest, and with Jae’s entire front half distributed across Jimin’s body, it felt like a warm, slightly bony blanket.

Jimin didn’t feel all that bad to Jae himself. The man was a bit cold, but Jae imagined that with prolonged exposure the two would warm themselves up. He quickly chastised himself for this thought, but that didn’t change the fact that Jimin smelled pretty nice today, cheap cologne mixed with even cheaper cigarettes and a bit of body odor. If they were going north, he could think of worse things to smell for the journey.

Jae’s heart thrummed against his chest, but he still was able to relax a bit more with their closer proximity. Honestly, Jae didn’t know what it was that he and Jimin had. He had been introduced to him by Sophie at her nineteenth birthday party as her brother and ever since then, the two did have an odd connection that Jae felt a bit insecure about.

Jimin had issues, Jae was well aware of this fact, but Jae had plenty of his own as well. Jae did feel a pull from the other man, a bond between them due to their experiences, but the occasional flirting between the two only made Jae more conflicted over what he wanted. He had been crushing on Sophie since they were in middle school, it felt weird to just shift over to her brother like this.

Then again, with Sophie’s rejection still fresh in his mind, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try and move on. It wasn’t like she wanted him.

As Jimin entered the motorway, Jae rested his chin on his shoulder. Seeing the condensation of the other man’s breath in the air, Jimin had to remind himself to focus on the road to avoid killing the two of them. He was actually flabbergasted that he was able to get Jae this far. He was unsure of what the rest of the day had planned for them, but in a world stained from vomit and despair, it oddly felt like a blessing to get this close to the younger man at all.

“Hold on tight, we’re getting on the motorway now.”

Jae nodded, pressing even deeper into Jimin’s back in a motion that seemed to squeeze his blood downwards. He hoped Jae didn’t notice his posture stiffening too much, although that wasn’t the only thing becoming a bit stiff.

With it now being around 8:00 AM, the motorway had become even worse than when Jimin was on it earlier. He suspected that it would be like this until noon when people would begin to prepare for their evening meals. He wondered what Sophie was doing at their parents’ now, wondered if they were thinking about him.

After a bit of driving, they got stuck near a congested motorway exit, so Jimin looked ahead at a sign saying how far they were from each upcoming city up North. They still had 65 more kilometers until they reached Uppsala. The normal speed limit would allow for the trip to be made in thirty minutes, but with the traffic Jimin could see it being more like forty-five.

Jae shifted behind Jimin, getting antsy at the lack of progress they were making on the road. Granted, it was still early in the morning and the roads would likely clear up a bit later, but there was no guarantee that the roads would remain clear as the night went on.

“Roads might be kind of shit until noon, we might take a few stops along the way just to try and ride it out. Have you eaten yet today? We can stop in Uppsala to get something to eat.” Jimin himself wasn’t very hungry, but he was just trying to think of some way to pass the time. That, and he did want to look out for Jae.

“Something to eat? Are any places going to be open today?”

“Yeah, there’ll probably be someplace open that we can eat at, there’s gotta be someone not into the holidays running a place in Uppsala. We’ll see when we get there, it might be like forty minutes.”

“Okay, but are you planning on going much further than Uppsala? It’s kind of far.”

Honestly, Jimin didn’t have any concrete plans on how far to travel. He just wanted to take a drive on the roads on his new motorcycle, something he hadn’t done in years, and it didn’t hurt to bring Jae along. It’s not like he even wanted to return to Stockholm at the end of the day, but he didn’t have a choice.

“I don’t know, we can return whenever you want to.”

Jae didn’t want to return to his house, either, but he knew that he’d catch hell from his mother if he was out for too long. If he was still gone by the time his mother returned from her night shift, then he’d never hear the end of it.

“No, we can keep driving as long as you want, I just want to have an idea of when to tell my mom I’ll be back home.”

“You know, if we drove as long as I wanted to, we’d end up in Finland. I don’t know if you have the identification for that, but I don’t think either of us have much business up there.”

“If I let you take me to Finland, my mom would kill you and make me watch.” Jae huffed as he brushed his stubble-covered cheek against Jimin’s own, although Jimin wasn’t sure how intentional this motion was. Squeezing the gas more tightly than he should have, Jimin continued the oscillating acceleration as the truck ahead of him stopped and continued.

The two men didn’t know if it was the sun rising to its zenith or if it was just their proximity to each other, but even as they traveled further North they only seemed to feel warmer. The forested areas flanking the freeway were gradually replaced by flatter farmlands, with suburbs popping up in increasing frequency.

Jimin took the first motorway exit to Uppsala, driving into a stop area full of fast food places and gas stations. It was a bit past 9:00 AM, and the two took some time to look around for a breakfast place that was still open on Easter. They weren’t going to find a pizza or hamburger restaurant open at this hour, so they settled for a small coffee shop. A sign on the front did confirm that the place was open on Easter.

Getting off the motorcycle, the two men took off their helmets to put into Jimin’s bag. Jimin laughed at the way Jae’s hair stuck straight up in the air, but from the way Jae sneered at him Jimin could guess that his own hair was doing the same. Walking over to the coffee shop, it was definitely a very small, privately owned business. The concrete of the parking lot was dotted with fissures and occasional pieces of litter covered the ground.

Walking in, a bell on the door rang and alerted the staff that they had entered. A bored looking teenager who definitely did not want to work that day greeted the men to take them to their seats, and Jae couldn’t help but feel a bit bad for her. Neither he nor this girl had anyone to go to on Easter, but at least he got to spend the day riding on a motorcycle with Jimin. This girl didn’t even have that luxury.

Sitting in a shallow booth near the window, the two were pretty much crammed shoulder-to-shoulder. They probably should have sat across from each other, but it was cold in the shop and both of them preferred the combination of human warmth and physical touch. Jimin in particular wanted to see more of Jae’s face, not liking how even in the indoors of the coffee shop he still had his hood up.

“Come on, man. Take the hood off, we’re inside.” Jimin grabbed the gray fabric between his gloved fingers, pulling down.

Jae was not having this, instantly interrupted from his moment of relaxation. “What the fuck, man! Stop it, you’re acting like my mom!”

As Jimin successfully pulled the hoodie back, Jae glowered at him, raven-colored hair exposed. Admittedly, he looked adorable to Jimin at this moment, plump lips pursed in frustration, but as Jimin looked him over more closely he could see a few things that concerned him.

It had been at least a few days since Jae washed his hair, with it lightly greased down and not fluffy like it was when it had recently been cleaned. When examining his scowling face, Jimin saw that Jae had bags under his eyes. His stomach twisted at the thought of what was possibly occurring at Jae’s home.

“Hey Jae, you doing alright? You’re not looking so hot right now.”

Jae scoffed. “Not looking so hot? Oh, that might be because you’re dragging me all the way north just to fuck with me the entire way.” Jae wasn’t being serious, not entirely anyway, but there was a bit of frustration at the current situation. Something was wrong, something was between them. Jae didn’t know if this something was a wall he had helped build between the two of them, but he did want to figure out why Jimin wanted to spend Easter with him of all people.

Jimin opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the waitress asking for their orders. They both just asked for dark coffees with something light to eat, neither wanting to fill up too much so early in the morning. From the way she looked at them, Jae could tell she imagined they were a couple. Glancing at his side, Jimin seemed as oblivious as he always did.

With the two of them being the only ones in the shop, they didn’t have much else to do other than talk. This only made things worse for Jae.

“Look, man, I’ve been kind of worried about you.” Jimin explained, arm wrapped tightly around Jae’s shoulders. Jae didn’t have the heart to tell him that he should probably be more worried about himself.

“Sophie does respect your privacy, but from talking to her I can get an idea of what’s been going on with you. I know you’re seeing the doctor and everything, but I think it would be more helpful for everyone if you opened up a bit more-“

“Talking to the doctor is like talking to a damn brick wall.” Jae spat out under his breath. “And look, it’s really nice that you care and all or whatever, but you have to understand that there are some things I just can’t tell people.”

Jimin let out an exasperated sigh, turning his head slightly to look Jae right in the eyes. “Jae, I know that these things aren’t easy. And I know that it hurts to open up to people, but I can promise you that I have seen shit so crazy that nothing you can say will shock me.”

Jae sneered even more intensely at Jimin, and despite the man’s soft features, he did have an intense look in his dark eyes. “Alright, if there’s truly nothing to be afraid of, then why don’t you tell me these crazy things you’ve seen?”

“Listen here, Si-“

To the waitress, their conversation may have looked like a small game of teasing between lovers, as she quickly swooped in to hand the men their coffee before leaving to get their food. The coffee was too hot to drink, so the two men just absentmindedly waited for it to cool in near complete silence.

Jae couldn’t help but think back on their… Was it an argument? It felt like one, although he guessed it was more of a confrontation. But what stood out to Jae was the expression on Jimin’s face. He cared about what Jae was saying, cared about what he was feeling. That was more to say than what he had ever felt with Doctor Purnell. It hurt, but what hurt even more was that he wanted to talk to Jimin, he wanted to connect to him, he wanted to tear down the wall between them.

It didn’t take long for the waitress to bring them their food. The two began to tuck into their light meals, although neither ate with much enthusiasm. Jae wondered if the drugs were interfering with Jimin’s appetite, and he was concerned if Jimin would even be able to drive for much longer with his addiction. He would eventually need another fix, and Jae didn’t think that either heroin or painkillers were a good idea for the road. Shit, if they got pulled over and Jimin’s bag was checked, they were cooked.

But he didn’t want to go home yet. If getting busted on a motorcycle for drug possession was a risk he had to face, then so be it. It beat being alone at his house.

It wasn’t until they were both nearly finished with their food and coffee that one of them finally spoke up.

“So…” Jimin started. “After this, do you want to go home, or…?”

“No.” Jae replied flatly.

This clearly was not the answer Jimin was expecting, as shown by the way he looked down at Jae.

“Alright, but what about your mom getting mad?”

“I’ll deal with her. I’ll send her a text telling her that I’m spending the night at a friend’s place.” Jae began to fish his phone out of his pocket to perform this task.

“Fine by me, but she’s your problem. I think we both already know what happens when I try to get involved in situations with your mom.”

Jae grimaced at the memory, typing a short text message to his mother.

Staying at a friend’s place for Easter. May not be home until later tomorrow.

Jimin began rifling around in his pocket for some cash to pay his side of the bill. “You told her you’re staying the night somewhere, is that a clue that we’re in for an all-nighter?”

Jae looked up at Jimin and smiled, a rare sight for Jimin to see. “You mentioned wanting to drive all the way to the Finland border, why don’t we see how far we feel like driving and just stay at a hotel before returning tomorrow?”

And with that, the plan was made. The two paid for their food in cash before leaving to get back on the motorcycle. Jae had never been on a motorcycle before this day, much less being on one for such a prolonged period of time, but it seemed like a more interesting way to spend an Easter than just walking around Stockholm by himself.

Jimin pulled his bag off his shoulder to retrieve their helmets. With the hidden contents of the bag, Jimin knew he had to be careful to avoid giving them both a night in the slammer. He handed Jae’s helmet to him first in a bid to keep him away from the bag. What he knew wouldn’t hurt him, after all, and Jimin didn’t like other people touching his supply.

Helmets back on, they mounted the motorcycle to continue their drive. Jae had an easier time climbing on board with his practice, and it didn’t take long for him to absorb his body into Jimin’s back once again like it belonged there. Jimin shuddered from the contrast of the frigid air and Jae’s warm, soft body. He can’t help but think to himself that if it were street legal, he wouldn’t mind Jae riding on his lap, facing towards him.

It was still in the morning by the time they were leaving the parking lot, but the sun was beginning to rise to its zenith. It would hardly be a few hours before noon, when people would start settling in for the Easter meals. With Jae becoming more comfortable on the motorcycle, Jimin thought he could go a bit faster. There weren’t as many people on the road, so as long as he wasn’t absurdly speeding, they would be fine.

Jae gasped as Jimin shoved his foot on the gas right as he pulled out of the parking lot, but after reeling a bit from the sensation of his stomach dropping, it actually felt good to have the wind blowing across his skin and in the strands of dark hair sticking out of his helmet. The engine beneath them roared as the motorcycle cruised through the roads, and Jae grinned while placing his chin on Jimin's shoulder.

Jimin turned his head lightly so he could feel more of Jae’s light stubble against his cheek. He turned the rest of his body more than he intended. This did not go well for balancing on a motorcycle at 60 KPH on an aging road.

Jimin cursed as the motorcycle jerked uncontrollably beneath him. Brain fog clouding his thinking, Jimin white-knuckled the brake pedal. He could only really hear the brakes screeching and Jae screaming as both were unceremoniously flung into the damp ditch off the side of the road.

As Jimin rolled onto the wet grass, he wheezed at the wind being knocked out of him by Jae’s weight. Jae was by no means a heavy person, not weighing much more than 55 kilograms, but the force of Jae’s mass multiplied by the acceleration of being thrown off a motorcycle was enough to leave Jimin without breath for a few seconds.

Jae was gasping on Jimin’s chest, trying to recover from the shock of the accident, but he shot up on Jimin’s chest at the sound of him wheezing.

“Holy shit, Min, are you alright?” Jae propped himself up on top of Jimin, looking him over for any wounds. Knowing Jimin’s history of drug use, he had no clue if those could intensify his injuries.

Despite the fact that he was on the cold ground gasping for air, Jimin was having a better time than Jae was. It would probably be easier for him to breathe if Jae got off of him, but he didn’t really want Jae’s warmth and weight to leave his body. Without even noticing, Jimin’s gloved arms moved to grab at Jae’s waist, keeping him firmly planted on his chest.

As his vision became clearer, Jimin was met with the sight of Jae staring him right in the eyes, faced even more flushed than before. And with the placement of his hands, he knew it wasn’t because of the cold.

The two laid like this for a few moments, Jae’s hands on Jimin’s chest and Jimin holding Jae on his stomach. They absorbed the expression on each other's faces, taking in the way their condensing breath shakily rose from their faces, until Jae pulled back, crawling off of Jimin’s body. Jimin placed his hands on the ground, glancing away from the younger Swede.

“Ugh, oh shit, sorry for that.” Jimin didn’t clarify what he was apologizing for.

Jae crouched next to him, gathering up the bag that had fallen off his shoulder. “No… it’s fine, everyone crashes from time to time, just be more careful. Are you hurt?”

As Jimin sat up, his back and ass both ached a bit, but he didn’t think too much blood was drawn aside from minor scrapes. “I’ll be fine, man, sorry about this. I’ll be more careful, uhh, I’m sorry.”

Jae didn’t smile, but his face did lighten up. “Neither of us got hurt, just try not to do that again. Let’s get back on and be more careful.” Jae held out his hand for Jimin, which he accepted. As Jae helped Jimin stand up, Jae took a moment to observe how much taller the other man was.

They had to drag the motorcycle out from the ditch. Once they were back on the road, Jimin was prepared to take things a bit easier to avoid another wipeout. They had been lucky this time, falling into a ditch instead of crashing into another car or getting flung into the middle of a busy intersection.

Once they entered the motorway ramp, Jimin kept his eyes open for what should be their next exit. The next large city they would come across was Gävle, but in order to reach it they would have to drive over one hundred kilometers, which would take around an hour and a half.

The roads weren’t nearly as congested as they were before, so Jimin was able to drive a bit faster and a bit more smoothly. With the motorcycle melodically weaving between the passing vehicles, it was a lot more soothing than Jae was expecting it to be. He had anticipated the drive to be a stressful ordeal, but even after crashing once he found himself having fun.

“We’re probably going to reach Gävle in an hour and a half, so that’s when we’ll stop to get gas, maybe get a few things more if need be.”

Jae gave a hum of approval, but over the sounds of both the motorcycle engine and the surrounding cars, Jimin couldn’t hear him. “You go to Gävle often, Jimin?”

Jimin shook his head as much as he could while still keeping his eyes on the road. “I haven’t been in a few years, I don’t really have the time to go anymore. When Sophie and I were kids, we would go with an uncle further up north so we could camp up in the southern boreal forest region.”

The mention of Sophie’s name sent a sudden pang of hurt through Jae’s chest, but he tried to shove those feelings to the back of his mind. “Really? You used to go camping a lot?”

“Yeah, we used to do it a lot during the summers. It was a fuckin’ blast, we would go out and fish for food, but we didn’t have any fishing licenses so we had to be really secretive about it. Sophie was always terrified that we were going to get arrested by the authorities, but she was really young at the time, like maybe seven years old. We stopped doing it around the time I was a junior in high school because my uncle got busted.”

Jae couldn’t help himself. “What did he get busted for?” As the words left his lips he realized that it probably wasn’t an appropriate question, and his sentence fizzled out near the end.

“He got sent to jail for having a meth lab in his basement, and I guess the battery arrest didn’t make things any easier. I doubt he’s been released yet, but my family doesn’t really talk about him anymore.”

An aura of discomfort settled in between the two over the unspoken similarities between Jimin and his uncle. Jimin kept his eyes on the motorway in front of them while Jae let his eyes drift to a red semi they were passing.

Jimin knew it wouldn’t be much longer for his cravings to kick in, he could already feel the gnawing in the corner of his mind, could already feel the pricklings of nausea that came with it. He knew he’d have to take some of the opioids in his bag eventually, but he would just take some of the lighter ones he had to tide him over before they were finished driving.

But they still had an hour left of driving until they were at Gävle, so Jimin just had to hang in there until then. He would just have to find a way to distract himself from the urge to vomit until then.

“You got anything you like doing during the summer, Jae? Like when you were a kid?”

Jae pursed his lips as he hummed considerably, thinking over his childhood. “Well, I don’t know if this counts as fun, but back when I was younger my grandpa would come to stay with us every once in a while. My grandma died when I was a toddler, so I don’t really remember her, but my grandpa is a really weird guy.”

“Really? Did you ever do anything when he came over?”

“Mostly just listen to him ramble on about random things. Back in the 60s, he was one of the people in the military sent to the Congo to deal with the crisis that was happening there. He would tell me all the crazy shit that was going on during that time. Aside from that, we would paint together sometimes, he was actually really good at it.”

“Really, your grandpa taught you how to paint? That’s cool, you should show me your skills sometime.”

Jimin couldn’t see it, but he could hear the smile in Jae’s voice. “You’ll be disappointed, I’m not as good as he was.”

“You’re probably better than I am, it’s hard for me just to draw a straight line.” Jimin couldn’t help thinking that withdrawal would only make this worse. God, Gävle couldn’t come fast enough.

“Maybe we’ll make a date for that.” Jae swallowed after the usage of the word “date”. Even Jimin was wondering what they even were, with the occasional flirting occurring between them, but he just smiled.

“Yeah, we can do some cheesy shit like paint the clouds or whatever. Maybe we should go camping and bring painting supplies, that sounds like it would be fun.”

“Yes, and then afterwards we can go and illegally catch fish, just like when you were a kid.”

Jimin guffawed, checking the sign for the distance to Gävle. Forty more kilometers. Good.

The last twenty minutes until they reached the first exit to Gävle were uneventful, with only occasional commentary from Jimin and Jae on the things they passed.

Gävle had a lesser population than Uppsala, but it was still a sizable city in comparison to the surrounding areas. From where they had exited the motorway, they had a nice view in the distance of Gävle river. With the midday sun upon it, the water shimmered amidst the buildings on either side.

Jimin was too preoccupied with planning his next hit to bother with appreciating the view. A gas station would be too obvious, the staff could end up noticing him entering and not leaving, and that could end up in a visit from the fuzz. An alleyway would probably give him the privacy he needed, but it could also be dangerous and he didn’t want to drag Jae into one of it could be avoided.

He chose to just go to a park and find a secluded place to use there. There might be an abandoned bathroom or something, so he would have Jae wait outside for him, take the pills, wait to feel better, and leave. Simple as.

They were able to find a nice, forested park only a few minutes from the exit. Jae was initially confused why Jimin wanted to come here first instead of getting gas, but it didn’t take long to put two and two together.

Killing the motorcycle’s engine in the parking lot, Jimin got off a lot less gracefully than he had the previous times. His limbs were shaking, and even in the cold air he felt uncomfortably warm. Jae noticed how physically unwell Jimin was and outstretched a hand to help him, but Jimin pushed it away more firmly than he would have liked to. This was his problem, Jae didn’t know what he was doing, trying to get involved in this.

Understanding the situation, Jae just wordlessly followed Jimin into the woods. The air was crisp and smelled delightful, the scents of Spring beginning to waft into the air, but it didn’t do much to alleviate Jimin’s symptoms. As much as he hated to admit it, he really had worked himself into a corner in life that he didn’t see any way out of.

After passing by a lake on the path, they came across a concrete bathroom. Its surfaces were filthy and it seemed like a small dungeon in the middle of an otherwise beautiful slice of nature. Perfect.

“Hey Jae, I’m just going to use the bathroom really quick. I… uhh, this might be a little while. Do you have to go, too?”

Jae did have to go a bit, but he didn’t really want to see what was about to happen in that bathroom. “No, I’m fine. I’ll just go at the gas station. Take your time.”

Jae felt hopeless watching Jimin enter the restroom, but he wasn’t about to get involved. Jimin was six years older than him, he could figure things out on his own. And with how agitated he currently seemed, he imagined that trying to intervene would succeed in nothing more than pissing him off.

Shutting himself in the furthest stall from the door, Jimin padded through his bag for a decent painkiller to take. He hadn’t brought heroin, as that would be the worst possible thing to be found in a search, so he just had several bottles of various painkillers in the bottom of his bag. They were all prescription painkillers, but not his prescription.

He chose a relatively light opioid, but he took half the bottle. Not bothering with any water in this decrepit shithole, he swallowed them without any drink. He was pretty good at this swallowing thing, he thought bitterly. If he got desperate for a bit more cash, he could always branch out to other services. The oral herpes would suck, though.

His heart rate eventually began to even out, his body felt cooler, but he felt too dizzy to properly drive. He stumbled as he stood up off the toilet, and he nearly took the rusted door off its hinges as he left the stall. There was no way he’d be able to drive right now, he had to wait for the high to pass a bit.

Luckily, he had another way of getting to the gas station.

—————————————————————

“So, I just put my foot on the rests like this?”

Jae hesitantly moved his leg to rest on the side of the bike, looking back for Jimin’s approval. The roles between the two were now switched, with Jimin’s arms firmly wrapped around Jae’s chest. If he leaned forward slightly, he’d be able to rest his chin on Jae’s helmeted head.

“Yeah, like that. Alright, we seem pretty well balanced, use your right hand to squeeze the trigger to move. You can twist it to accelerate, but you might not want to do that when you’re just starting out- there, you’ve got it!”

The motorcycle purred as Jae drove a few feet on the gravel parking lot… before wobbling too much and nearly falling over. The only reason why they weren’t currently on the ground was Jimin sticking his leg out just in time to catch them.

“Alright, you have to go a bit faster than that. It’s kind of like ice skating, you have to actually use your speed to move forward, or else you’ll just-“

“Yes, Min, I know how physics works.” Without another word, Jae shot the motorcycle forward. Now it was Jimin’s turn to gasp out of fear, clutching the smaller man as they sped around the parking lot.

Crashing wasn’t the only thing Jimin was worried about with these new arrangements. Jae was now neatly nestled into the curve of Jimin’s lap, and if his blood decided to rush south, Jae would definitely feel it. As such, Jimin tried to ignore how Jae’s perky ass felt against his crotch.

At least he seemed to be getting the hang of things now. If he kept this up, getting to the gas station would be a breeze.

—————————————————————

Getting to the gas station was certainly not a breeze. Good thing they chose a gas station very near the park, since Jae fell over three times. Each time falling over sobered up Jimin a bit more, so by the time they made it to the gas station, he was pretty much ready to pick up the reins.

“Jae,” Jimin had said after their third wipeout, “you're lucky no one’s driving on the roads right now. You’ve got to be more careful, I don’t want this thing getting too scraped up-“

Jimin was interrupted by the glare he received from Jae, who was dusting himself off. If looks could kill, Jimin’s life would have been cut only slightly short of what he expected his lifespan to be.

Jimin filled up the motorcycle’s gas while Jae used the restroom inside the gas station. He was a bit sore from all the crashes sustained that day, and he imagined Jae wasn’t faring too much better. Looking at the time on the clock, it was 1:22 PM. It would only be a few hours until the sun began to set. At least he had an opportunity to check his headlights.

As Jimin paid for the gas, Jae emerged from the station, bringing with him two energy drinks. Jimin nodded as he took one from him, relishing in the opportunity to put even more unhealthy chemicals into his body.

“Hey Min, you wanna make this more interesting and see who can chug it first?”

Jimin lifted an eyebrow at this request. He didn’t take Jae as the competitive type, but with the size difference between the two he didn’t think that Jae had a chance against him.

“Alright, 50 SEK to whoever wins.”

Jimin had never regretted saying something as much as he did that bet. He lost humiliatingly to Jae, who threw his head back and sucked the entire drink up in seconds, already finished by the time Jimin hadn’t even drunk a quarter of his. He didn’t even know that Jae was capable of the smirk that now crossed his mouth.

“What the fuck? How did you…”

“For college, I take a lot of all nighters.” Jae handed the can to Jimin to confirm that it was sucked dry. “I have to drink a lot of these, so I guess I’m just used to this.”

Jimin groaned as he pulled out his wallet, handing over the 50 SEK. “You planned this from the beginning, right? You knew that you’d win, and you knew I’d try to make it into a bet?”

Jae just shrugged while taking the money, but the smug look on his face remained. “That’s on you, man.”

“Goddamn you.”

—————————————————————

They got back on the motorway a bit past 1:40 PM, with their next stop being Hudiksvall. They mostly had the roads to themselves now, having plenty of space to drive as they saw fit. With the painkillers now coursing through his veins, Jimin felt ready to go further.

Jimin really didn’t want to take more intense opioids while on this outing. The symptoms of psychosis heightened by those opioids were intense, and he didn’t want Jae to witness what would happen.

Despite this, Jimin knew that once he got home tomorrow, it wouldn’t be long before his cravings got the best of him. Jae was a good distraction from it all, but the addiction was a part of himself he couldn’t outrun.

It had been a long time since Jimin had set foot in Hudiksvall, but he remembered it being a pleasant port town. Jimin’s intention for the end of the night was to end up in Sollefteå, and this was mostly because there were things up there he wanted to show Jae.

Jae was a bit concerned at how comfortable Jimin’s body was starting to feel. With the combination of going further north and the sun beginning its descent to the horizon, the cold was starting to get to Jae. He didn’t think Jimin was faring much better, with the sniffles he was hearing from him.

“You have a sensitive nose, don’t you, Jimin?”

Jimin snorted. “Maybe a bit, what’s it to you?”

“I’m just asking because I know that a lot of people have their noses agitated from the cold. I know my mom does.”

“I’ll bear with it, man, I think I have some lube in my bag that I can put in my nostrils if they dry out too much.”

Jae hummed in astonishment. “You’re just going to tell me about the lube in your bag like it’s just normal?”

“Nah, there’s a lot of stuff you can use lube for. Like dry nostrils. Or… the bike’s chains.”

“Or stroking one out.”

Jimin laughed, but there was a smidgen of curiosity blooming in his mind. He wanted to see what it was like when Jae masturbated. Did he squirt a lot? Did he have to use a lot of lube? Because Jae had returned to his spot behind Jimin, Jae couldn’t feel Jimin stiffen a bit at the thought.

—————————————————————

It was well past 3:00 when they arrived at Hudiksvall. Near the end of their drive, they encountered a sudden blockage of traffic near the motorway’s exit, delaying their arrival by around fifteen minutes. Jimin’s stomach was aching with hunger by the time they arrived. He hadn’t eaten anything that day other than the light breakfast and energy drink, and he had to eat a lot to maintain his weight.

Jae and Jimin had agreed to just eat at a pizza place for dinner, but it did take half an hour of scouring the streets of Hudiksvall for a place that was actually open. The one they ended up finding seemed to be a popular choice, as it was packed with customers. Jimin groaned, not wanting to deal with so many people right now, but he didn’t think they would find anywhere else to eat.

Parking the motorcycle precariously in the cramped lot, the two Swedes put away their helmets to walk into the shop. The inside of the restaurant was loud and bright, gaudy lights illuminating the crowds of people surrounding the tables. Had they not been a party of only two, they would have been unable to get seating.

Excluding the mass of people inside the restaurant, even more people had ordered pizza to go. As a result, service was slow. This did give the two plenty of time to read through their menus and decide what to order.

“Do you want to just purchase a large pizza and split it?” Jae suggested, glancing over the laminated paper.

“Sure, that’s probably easiest, and we can just split the bill that way. Any particular toppings you want to get?”

“Let’s just stick to pepperoni, I don’t want to do anything too crazy.”

Jimin nodded, looking out the window to appreciate the view. The view wasn’t much more than a parking lot, but it gave him something to focus on other than the nest of humans they were in. They still had approximately four hours before sunset, but the sun was starting to prepare for its descent. Good, by the time they were in position it would be after nightfall.

Jae picked at the worn-out wood of their table, his sore cuticles pressed against the grains. He knew with his proximity to Jimin, he wouldn’t be able to harm himself. As bad as the urges had been earlier in the year with Sophie’s rejection, he actually hadn’t had as many urges to self-harm recently.

He bided his time waiting for the urges to come back, knowing that they behaved in a cycle. A time would come when he felt emotional pain, and he would feel no other choice but to bring that pain to the surface to the body. It had no other place to go, but it made him feel better to have it in a tangible place he could see, it gave him something to focus on, to care for.

He didn’t want to do this anymore, but he didn’t know how to stop. As far as Jae was concerned, he didn’t have any other outlet for his emotions in a way that actually worked.

A waiter eventually came to hand them their salads and ask them what they wanted to drink. After requesting their choices in soda, they were also able to order their food. Jimin tucked into his salad as Jae ordered, wanting to have some real food in his stomach.

Jae wasn’t really hungry for his salad, but he picked around at it anyway. He knew once he ate something he would be able to jumpstart his appetite.

With the two sitting across from each other, they did have more room to move than they did at the cafe earlier. However, both found themselves missing the warmth of their companion. They weren’t too bothered, they still had a while left of riding before they were done for the night.

In the thirty minutes it took for their pizza to arrive, the topic of futures came up. Jimin knew that Jae was in college, but he didn’t know the extent of what he was doing.

“I’m just doing undergraduate courses at the moment, if I’m honest I don’t know what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.”

“Of course, you’re not supposed to know yet. I don’t even know at my age.” There was a bit of ire in Jimin’s words, stemming from how much of a loser he felt like compared to Jae.

“That’s what everyone says. My mom, Sophie, the doctor… but after a while, it’s kind of hard to take people for their word, you know?”

Jimin nodded, knowing too well what Jae meant. He remembered his own talks with his parents when he was in high school, the way they reassured him that he would figure things out eventually.

Look where that got him.

Sighing, Jimin rolled back in his seat, placing his arms behind his head. “Jae, I know it’s scary now not knowing what’s going to happen in the future. I don’t know what I’m going to be doing, myself. But you’re making good progress with getting your undergrad classes done, those can be applied to a lot of majors. And if you end up doing something you don’t like, you can just change it.”

Jae groaned, placing his forehead in his palms. “My mom says the same thing, but I honestly just want to get this over with so I can get a better job and be able to work on my own. I just want to be independent from my mom, you know?”

Jimin couldn’t resist teasing him. “What, she’s finally starting to drive you mad?”

“Shut up, Jimin, it’s not that, she’s just a bit… much, at times. And I want actual independence for myself. That’s all.”

The waiter finally arrived with their pizza, apologizing for the long wait. Even after eating both his own and some of Jae’s salad, Jimin began to dig into the pizza. Jae laughed when he bit into it before allowing it to cool, leading to Jimin awkwardly blowing the hot air out of his mouth.

“Careful, Min.”

—————————————————————

They got back on the road at around 4:45. If they just B-lined it for Solefteä, they would be there in two and a half hours. There, they would be able to find a motel at around 7:30. With this being at around sunset, Jimin would be able to take Jae to the place he wanted him to see.

Both men were weary from driving all day, but as cheesy as it sounded to them, the company made it easier. Even when they were just cruising through the overcast motorway, it felt nice to just feel close to someone.

Not that they weren’t looking forward to arriving at a motel. Both had received their fair share of scrapes and bruises from the occasional wipeouts, and it would be nice to actually lie down for a while. They discussed if they would have much luck finding a room this night, it would be a real shame to come all this way to have nowhere to sleep.

“You know, my Mom sent me a message earlier today.” Jae said while placing his chin on Jimin’s shoulder.

“Yeah? What did she say?”

“She’s not happy. I had to have a bit of an argument with her while we were eating earlier.”

“Damn, sorry to hear that.”

“Not your problem. I’ll deal with her later, I’m just so tired of constantly living my life by her rules, you know? I just want to actually experience things without her sticking her head in my business at every opportunity.”

“Well, good luck with that.”

“Thanks, I’ll need it. I might come and stay at your place if she’s being too miserable, just to get away from her.”

“Well, I’d be happy to have you if it weren’t for the fact that my apartment is a shithole in the middle of the bad part of town. You can come if you want, but don’t be shocked when you see how bad it is.”

In the pit of his stomach, Jae was beginning to feel a mixture of unease and excitement. Jimin’s body against his stomach felt like the purest drug imaginable, something he hadn’t felt in so long. His doctor had told him how human relationships were like a diamond in shape, how Jae had started out life so physically close to his mother, but began to lose that proximity as he grew. According to the doctor he would eventually find someone else to fulfill that role for physical touch, and now he felt like he finally found it.

Thoughts in the back of Jae’s mind taunted him, allowed him to imagine some sort of scenario where he could touch Jimin more, see him, feel Jimin inside of him. His belly burned and his crotch lubricated itself at the thought. Smelling the scent of Jimin’s cologne mixing with his sweat, it was tantalizing how close the man was.

They would be sharing a hotel room for costs. Jae didn’t know if things would go anywhere, but he was preparing himself for what could happen.

—————————————————————

At 7:45 PM, Jimin and Jae checked themselves into a tiny motel in Solefteä. It wasn’t the greatest place to stay, but considering they were hundreds of kilometers from home on Easter night, it was the best they were going to get at a reasonable (cheap) price.

Bringing their bags into the room, Jimin sifted through the few things he would need tonight. It would be below freezing, so he took the jacket for either him or Jae. He didn’t like the idea of his pills being left behind, so he kept those in the bottom of his bag.

“Hey Jae, when you’re done settling in, I want to take you somewhere really cool. I know you’re probably really tired of driving, but we’ll be there in like fifteen minutes.”

Jae looked over at Jimin wearily. He had been hoping for a nice, pleasant, sensual night between the two. However, he supposed that could wait until later, this seemed important to Jimin.

“Alright, but what are you taking me to see?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Jae wasn’t sure Jimin was the most comforting person to receive surprises from, but his heart fluttered a bit all the same.

—————————————————————

“You said this would take fifteen minutes.”

Driving through the forest roads to the north of Sollefteä, Jimin had misremembered how long it took to get to his spot. The forests were a nice change of pace from the constant noise of the freeway, but he understood that Jae just wanted to sleep.

“Sorry, it’s been a minute, man. We’ll be there soon, I think you’ll like this.”

Jae huffed. As tired as he was, he couldn’t deny how nice the forest was this time of night. The sun had set only minutes ago, leaving only the night’s desolation to embrace them. He couldn’t see much of the sky with the leaves overhead, but he knew they were increasing in elevation.

The motorcycle was the only source of noise in their world. No one else was out here, they were at complete mercy of the forest’s uncertainty. They occasionally heard the calls of an owl or frog, but they couldn’t sense anything large.

Jae opened his mouth to reply to Jimin, but his breath was stolen by the sight enveloping in front of them.

The coverage of the leaves dissipated, exposing the night full of stars. Without the light pollution of a massive city such as Stockholm, every bit of the Milky Way was visible.

Jae couldn’t help but smile at the sight. It was beautiful, and he could imagine why Jimin had so many fond memories as a kid.

“My uncle owned a small telescope, so we could take that to look at more distant stars. Sometimes, he would take like thirty minutes just to find one distant star.”

“Is your uncle into astronomy?” Jae kept looking straight up into the sky as he asked, feeling like he was seeing something straight out of a movie.

“My uncle is into natural phenomena in general, he’s kind of one of those spiritual, hippy types. But one of us was really into stars as a kid, so he did more research for her.”

Jae wondered if Jimin had caught onto his discomfort over talking about Sophie, seeing as he didn’t mention her name.

Parking the motorcycle next to a tree at the peak of the mountain, Jimin and Jae walked over to a large rock to sit down and look at the stars.

“You know, Jimin… I usually have pretty miserable Easters. Actually, it’s been a while since I’ve had a holiday that wasn’t miserable.”

It was uncomfortable for Jae to disclose such personal feelings, but with Jimin doing so much for him this day, he felt like he owed him an explanation of how much the day meant to him.

Jimin gave a small smile down to Jae, a sad one. Looking at their legs next to each other, he could see how much smaller Jae was physically. Not weaker, though. He knew how strong Jae could be.

“Don’t mention it, Si. I know how much holidays can suck, it’s not like I had much going on today, either. The motorcycle must have been a gift from Jesus or something.”

Jae genuinely laughed. Jimin wanted to see that happen more often.

At some point, the two shifted from sitting on the rock to lying on a patch of grass. As they laid together, Jimin rested his head on Jae’s shoulder.

“Been a while since you’ve celebrated with your family?”

Jimin took a few moments to respond, and Jae feared that he tread too close to the man’s heart.

“Yeah, Sophie sends me a message every holiday, but I don’t want to drag her into this shit. My parents don’t want their junkie son in the house anymore, and I can’t blame them for that. She’s doing so well, and I don’t want to bring her down to my level.”

Jae couldn’t help but notice how they both had difficult feelings surrounding Sophie for different reasons.

“You don’t seem so bad, Min.”

“Ha, you haven’t seen bad.”

Jae smiled down at Jimin’s serene face, before propping himself up slightly on his elbows. His heart thrummed intensely, but what happened next was so natural it was frightening.

Leaning over, Jae pressed his lips against Jimin’s chapped ones. They were cold and dry, with Jae’s own moisture preventing the interaction from being uncomfortable. Jimin seemed a bit surprised, but he pressed against him as much. After keeping their lips together for a few moments, they pulled away with a gentle smack.

Jae sat down, blushing madly. He couldn’t see it well in the dark, but he wondered if Jimin was flushed, too.

After what felt like an eternity narrated by their own heartbeats, Jimin was the one to speak. “Was that your first time kissing someone?”

Jae hummed in agreement.

“You’re a good kisser. You should do that again.”

“Like right now?” Jae kissed Jimin even harder, daring himself to give a bit of tongue. Both their tongues slid into each other’s mouths, tasting the faint fragrance of cigarette smoke. It wasn’t a long French kiss, it wouldn’t be appropriate out in the woods, but it was enough for Jae to feel himself grow a bit wet. Jimin was glad it was dark out, Jae would be able to see his hard-on if it wasn’t.

Pressing tiny kisses all over Jimin’s face, Jimin began to get up. “Do you want to take this to the hotel, Si?”

“…Yes. I hope this is not too much too soon, but… do you have protection? Just in case.”

“There’s condoms if we need them.”

“Good.”

—————————————————————

Jimin’s stomach burned with anticipation of what was about to happen. For a long time he had his eyes on Jae, enjoying how handsome he was, but he would never imagine that the feelings would be mutual. Fuck, this day really was a miracle!

Driving with a half erect cock was uncomfortable, but he was eventually able to pull back into the motel parking lot. He faintly registered Jae pulling his jacket back, but he wasn’t prepared for the sensation of Jae sucking on his neck.

Jimin shrieked embarrassingly loud, nearly toppling the motorcycle over in his surprise. As he parked the bike, he looked over his shoulder. “What the fuck, man? Wait until we’re in our room for that.”

“Sorry.”

With the entrance of their room being on the outside of the building, Jimin was concerned that they could be heard by passersbies. He knew that not many people would be up and out at this hour, but with how cheap the hotel was he supposed that any adjacent guests would have a risk of hearing the activities in their room.

Once inside the room, Jae went to place both their bags on the floor next to the bathroom while Jimin shut the blinds. They had two beds in their room, but they had a feeling only one would be used. Jimin pulled off his hoodie, revealing the green turtleneck underneath. Seeing this, Jae followed suit with his own hoodie.

“Si, I know that this is your first time, so we can go slow.”

“You don’t have to worry about me, I’ve actually been thinking about this the entire day. Are you sure about wanting this?”

Jimin chuckled a bit at Jae’s eagerness. “I’m raring to go, just checking in with you. You want to maybe put on the TV during, uhh, during foreplay?”

Jimin’s behavior felt strange to Jae, but he nodded. Jae crawled into bed while Jimin looked for the remote, switching on the TV to a random adult sitcom. Placing the remote back on the mantle, he walked over to join Jae on the bed. The bed was definitely small for the two of them, but even with the excitement of the situation, Jae felt comfortable lying against Jimin.

They laid together on the covers, watching the television with little interest, before Jimin made the first move. After removing his gloves, he placed his palms against Jae’s chest.

“Are you fine being touched here, Si?”

Jae nodded, although he would prefer to be touched in his burning crotch than his chest. He guessed that they were building up to that.

Even with the T-shirt in the way, Jae’s chest felt soft and just a bit firm. Squeezing harder, Jae did whimper a bit. Jimin pulled back.

“It’s fine, Jimin, you aren’t hurting me, you can continue if you want.”

Jimin nodded, before continuing to rub at where Jae’s nipples were. They hardened at the touch, poking through the thin fabric of his T-shirt. The motions of Jimin’s thumbs seemed to send lightning bolts through Jae’s entire chest. Moaning, Jae decided to give some love to Jimin, too. His slender fingers wrapped around his muscular ass, giving it a tight squeeze.

“Are you scared of hurting me, Jimin?”

Jimin stopped the rubbing momentarily, startled. “A bit, I don’t know, I guess doing it with you feels different from doing it with the others I’ve had it with.”

“How so?” Jae looked him in the eyes while squeezing his ass harder.

“I don’t know, it’s just that with you being a virgin, and, and everything else-“

“What do you mean, everything else? You don’t think I’m weak, do you?”

“No! No, no, Jae, I promise I don’t think you’re weak, you’re stronger than you look-“

“Stronger than I look?” Jae gave him a strange look as he moved his hands to the inside of Jimin’s thighs. His slender fingers were tantalizingly close to his throbbing cock and balls, so close to getting him off. “You think I look weak?”

Jimin sighed. “I don’t think you look weak, but you have a sort of… aura, I guess. You’re pretty, if some model agency took you up they could probably turn you into some sort of goth-vampire clothing model or whatever.”

“So I look like a goth vampire?” Jimin wasn’t making much sense to Jae, but from the prominent bulge in his jeans he assumed that it was just a result of all the blood rushing south.

“I guess that’s the best way I have to describe it.”

“If I’m a vampire, would you let me bite you on the neck?”

Jimin’s heartbeat quickened, sweat beginning to pool in his armpits. “Sure, vampire boy, but mind if I take my sweater off first?”

Jae nodded, chuckling a bit at how bad Jimin’s flirting was, and it felt good to peel off the damp, slightly smelly fabric, exposing his glistening skin to the cool air.

With the sweater dumped unceremoniously on the floor, Jae found his opportunity to climb onto Jimin’s lap. One arm on the back of Jimin’s neck while the other was cupped behind his balls, he had the stability to lean into his shoulder. His breath was coming in short pants as his lips hovered over the skin, his saliva hot when he began sucking on his neck.

With the cravings for drugs starting again, the sensations of Jae’s touch were confusing Jimin’s body even more. He shoved his ass even further on Jae’s hands, wanting him to rub his balls more, before gasping at Jae’s teeth beginning to pierce his skin.

Without having actual fangs, it would be too much for Jae to fully pierce his flesh. However, he was able to slightly break the skin, small holes in between bruised indents. It sure was a good thing Jimin usually wore turtlenecks, he didn’t exactly have a good explanation for the wounds he would be sporting today.

“You’re a crazy little bastard, aren’t you?” As Jimin lunged forward and grabbed Jae’s ass, he felt how it had a gentle layer of pudge on its surface, with muscle underneath. Jae was a thin man, but the occasional fat deposits on his body made great handles.

It felt like all of Jae’s internal organs were quivering under the force of his arousal, he wanted Jimin to play with his leaking cunt. He wanted him to finger it, tongue it, suck it, and then fuck it. He wanted him to do it raw.

To drown out how insanely horny he was, Jae practically pounced on Jimin’s chest to continue sucking and biting on him, feeling how muscular he was. In particular, he took one opportunity to lick and nibble at one of his erect nipples. Jimin’s nipples were even more sensitive than Jae’s, so he threw his head back and groaned loudly.

“Easy there, Si. Jesus Christ.”

“Sorry. I’ll go easier on you.”

Jimin’s entire top half was sore from both motorcycle wipeouts and Jae bites. Was Jae perhaps rabid and trying to spread the virus? If so, it didn’t seem like a bad way to go.

Eventually, Jae stood on his knees above Jimin, and the face he made as Jae removed his own jeans was embarrassing. He must have looked like a night-club goer whooping when the stripper showed her tits.

Feeling confident in how Jimin perceived his body, Jae peeled off his jeans and boxers at once. Tugging them off and kicking them to the floor, Jimin could see that Jae’s pussy was dripping all over his own sweats.

“Holy fuck, who knew that the Niagara Falls was localized in a random Swedish motel?”

Jae groaned at his remark, lightly swatting Jimin’s cheek. However, his willingness to fuck was not lessened.

“Play with it for a bit, if you like. You can fuck it later, but I just want a bit of fun before then.”

Jimin did not need to be told twice. “Thanks for the food, babe.”

Jae flushed over even more at the use of the word “babe”, pursing his lips tightly to hide the whimper that came out as Jimin pressed his thumb to his clit.

Jimin couldn’t believe how awesome Jae’s pussy looked. It was partially hidden under a layer of black pubic hair, but pressing on his lips allowed him a few of how red and agitated the vagina was. More lubricant left his pussy at this touch, and Jae dug his fingers into Jimin’s shoulder as he licked between his lips.

At this point, Jae was practically sitting on Jimin’s face to allow him access to his crotch. Even without Jimin’s tastebuds brushing against his clitoris, the facial hair on his face was enough to drive Jae mad.

“Oh, ughhhh… Oh, fuck!”

All of it was too much for Jimin. The reek of Jae’s cunt, the juices pouring out of his onto his face, the pulse he could feel from his clit, it was all causing too much to happen downstairs.

Jimin couldn’t rip his cock out in time to prevent the precum from staining his boxers. He cursed, but this curse morphed into a gasp as Jae grabbed his cock. He rubbed his fingers across his foreskin, and Jimin wished he could have seen Jae’s O-face moments later. Jae’s cum gushed all over his face, and the roar Jae let out was enough for Jimin to ejaculate all over Jae’s hand.

“Jimin, ughh…” Jimin pulled his face up from Jae’s pussy, probably looking debauched as hell. Jae's sweating face was gazing down at him, face scrunched up at how unbearably horny he was. “Jimin, please fuck me. Raw. I want you to fill me up good, just fuck me now please!”

Jimin wanted nothing more than to pick Jae up and fuck his brains out, but the rare sensible part of his brain was nagging at him again. “Jae, are you sure you won’t get pregnant?”

“I’ll take plan B. Besides, I don’t think I can get pregnant. Please, Jimin.” A bit of drool left the corner of Jae’s mouth, and without thinking Jimin lifted Jae up so he could lean forward and kiss it off.

“You cool with me fucking you against the wall?”

“Yes, Jimin, yes please.”

Jimin couldn’t bring himself to say no, not to someone asking so politely. Grabbing Jae by his ass, he lifted him up and stood up off the bed, fingers brushing the fluids soaking Jae’s thighs. Jae clutched Jimin’s back as he walked over to the wall their bathroom was in, the wall Jimin found to be least likely to have other guests immediately behind it.

Pressing Jae’s back against the wall, Jimin dug his fingers into Jae’s thighs, kissed him on the brow, and then shoved two of his fingers into his vagina. He tried stretching it open, testing how wide it could go, but Jae shook his head.

“I’m ready now, Jimin, just shove it in. It hurts the longer you don’t fuck me.”

Jimin swallowed before pressing his erect cock past Jae’s lip. Rubbing his head against the entrance, he moaned as Jae rocked his hips, pushing his cock further in.

“Chill out, Jae, it’s for the best for both of us to ease it in.”

Jae frantically nodded, looking ready to explode himself.

With Jae’s vagina pushing the skin of his cock back, Jimin felt a bit like a cat having its fur rubbed backwards. Except good, it felt so fucking good.

With Jimin’s cock now partway into his pussy, Jae felt himself begin to spread out to accommodate his girth. The occasional cramp didn’t feel great, but the sensation of Jimin’s heat inside him helped.

Jae didn’t understand how this happened, how he went from waking up in the morning for a lonely Easter without any family to getting fucked in a motel hundreds of kilometers north, by the brother of a girl he had a crush on. He guessed there was no point in being vexed by that anymore, he would be happy being fucked like this everyday.

After being lonely for so long, having no physical touch aside from the occasional hug, it was so much that Jae didn’t understand how he could handle it. Both Jimin and Jae were rocking their hips to most effectively shove Jimin’s cock in and out of Jae’s cunt, a wet slap sounding out every time their pelvis clashed together.

Feeling so much love for the other man, Jae grabbed him by the hair on the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss. As they fucked, they continued making out, their tongues snaking around in each others mouths and feeling every detail there was to know, only stopping to occasionally gasp for air. Apparently, Jimin had dental fillings in the back of his mouth.

Jae’s lower stomach growled, he could feel himself preparing for another massive orgasm. His clitoris seemed to grow more sensitive as Jimin continued rocking in and out of him. Their pulses seemed to beat together now, a union of their blood and flesh. Jae’s entire lower half was now a burning, twitching, clenching mess, and it felt to Jimin like he was fucking some sort of fertility god.

One last time ramming his cock against his cervix, and Jimin lost it. Feeling Jimin ejaculate inside of him, feeling him fill up every corner of his vagina, was too much, and an explosive orgasm erupted from Jae. They knew for a fact that anyone immediately surrounding their motel could hear them, as they both screamed in pure ecstasy, feeling their juices dripping down each other's thighs into a disgusting puddle on the floor.

Jimin accidentally collapsed against Jae, both of them slowly sinking down the wall until Jimin was lying his head in Jae’s chest. Jae began to tenderly pet Jimin’s greasy hair. As Jimin looked up, he could see traces of tears mixing with Jae’s sweat. Even after the exhaustion of the fucking that just occurred, Jimin panicked.

“Jae, oh shit, are you-“

Jae shushed him with his finger, a soft, sad smile in his face. “I’m fine, I’m just happy. Happy I’m here with you.”

Sitting up, Jimin gathered Jae in his arms and began kissing him all over his red face, kissing away tears and sweat and saliva all over his face. Jae eventually kissed him back on the lips, settling against Jimin’s body afterwards.

Ten minutes must have passed between them, the only noise being their heavy breathing and occasional sighs. Eventually, Jae tried to stumble to his feet, but after what had just happened Jimin ended up having to catch him. Jae smiled as thanks, before the two limped over to the bathroom to clean up.

They decided to take a bath, as this would be easiest for both of them. Jae laid against Jimin’s chest as they helped wash each other, rinsing the sweat and grime out of each other’s hair. Feeling Jimin’s wet body against his back, Jae relinquished the fact that his own diamond was closing.

—————————————————————

They slept together in the motel, clutching each other in their sleep. At one point Jimin left to take more opioids for his sleep. Jae tried to ignore this.

They left the motel the next day at 7:00 AM to get Jae home as soon as possible. Jae didn’t want to go home, he would happily spend his time riding around the entirety of Scandinavia with Jimin as his companion. But as much as he hated to admit it, Jimin didn’t give Jae the same stability that his mother did. Without help, they would just end up destroying themselves.

Not having brought a change of clothes, Jimin hoped no one could see the cum stains he tried to rinse out of his sweats.

Jae was dropped off at his house a bit past 2:00 PM. With the afternoon soon making way for night, he wanted Jimin to come and stay the night with him, but in the driveway he could already feel his mother’s unyielding gaze from the house.

“Let’s… hang out again soon.”

Jimin grinned before revving up the motorcycle once again. “Yes, let… hang out.” Without another word, Jimin was gone, zooming off to go to his own apartment. It strangely hurt both of them to leave.

Jimin spent the night doing opioids and crying.

Chapter Text
Jimin’s stomach lurched as he shot up in bed, drool spilling out of his mouth. The dank, disgusting reek of his apartment only worsened his sudden nausea, and he had to cup his hands underneath his mouth as he retched. His mind raced on the dilemma whether to try to fight the nausea or just give in to his body’s desires and puke in the bathroom. Realizing that he didn’t want to puke in his bed either way, he decided to just run to the toilet.

Rushing past the bathroom door, he crouched over and spat out a long stream of pale saliva, his sweat-covered skin breaking out in goosebumps. He managed to retch up trace amounts of stomach acid, but he didn’t have much stomach contents to vomit out. As a result, he just laid against the porcelain throne and waited for the nausea to pass.

He felt like he had been flayed alive, his flesh exposed to the elements, and it was fucking cold. The bite marks from Jae had already healed over, but Jimin could still feel their imprints like some sort of stigmata. Shutting his eyes, he could see the outlines of the colored orbs that he saw in his dreams, and could still see the trail of red.

Fumbling for his phone, Jimin checked the time. 5:32 AM, May 22. Four weeks had passed since his excursion with Jae. Four weeks since Jimin had fallen irreversibly in love with the touch of his body.

Jimin wondered if Jae was awake yet. In a few hours, Jae would have to be up to go to his classes in the city. He considered sending him a morning message, but decided against it, not wanting to wake Jae up if he was still sleeping.

Ever since Easter, the two had been texting more, though they didn’t have elaborate conversations via text. They would arrange to meet each other in public occasionally, but it would never last long.

Jimin wondered if Jae’s mother had anything to do with it. He knew that his mother was weary of him, and if she figured out that they had sex, she would certainly want to kill him.

Maybe Jae just realized that he was a junkie loser and didn’t want that type of energy in his life. As much as the thought hurt, Jimin couldn’t deny the fact that it was fair. He probably wasn’t a good match for the younger man.

But at night when Jimin would lay in bed after taking a bottle of pills or a needle of heroin, falling into a drug-infused fervor haunted by the images of twitching flesh and stained corpses, Jimin could sense the distant traces of male sensuality, the outline of a dark-haired man, the warm wetness of his body.

Jimin had to go work today, the job he had aside from the occasional dealing of opioids. But his bar job didn’t start until later, so he had time to possibly see Jae beforehand.

Until then, Jimin didn’t think he was getting any more sleep.

—————————————————————

Climbing onto the train, Jae prepared for his 6:00 AM ride into the city. His first class of the day didn’t technically start until 9:00 AM, but he wanted to give himself plenty of time to arrive and possibly study beforehand. Also, he just wanted to get away from his mom.

Jae loved his mom a lot. As long as he could remember, she was one of the few people that were there for him. His father had never been present in his life, and from what he had heard about him, that was probably a good thing. Jae knew that things weren’t easy for her, and he did respect all that she did to raise him.

With that being said, his mom was a lot to deal with. Actually, the two words that Jae found described his mother the best were “a lot”.

His mom was the definition of a helicopter parent. Among his earliest memories were her fussing over him, stopping him from playing with other kids, stopping him from going outside. Because of her, he didn’t have the luxury of human companionship for many years. Oftentimes, he wondered if he would have been a different person if she hadn’t been so preoccupied with his every move.

She only became worse after his grandmother passed away and his grandfather’s health began to worsen. Being on the verge of losing her last living parent seemed to be a massive blow to her support system, and having to be away from Jae so often during the day just wore away at her.

His mom knew he did something with Jimin. He didn’t know if she suspected sexual activity between the two, but she may have suspected they robbed a compartment store or something. Which would be less embarrassing than his mom knowing he had sex.

God, why did she always want to know so much about his personal life?

Absorbed in his thoughts, Jae watched as another student entered the train. His name was Edward, and he was in Jae’s introductory business class. Jae didn’t like him. Jae knew he had no reason to dislike him, as they were similar in a lot of ways. Both were outliers who didn’t know how to interact with other people. However, Edward was smarter than Jae, and Jae didn’t like that.

Apparently Edward took a greater liking to Jae than Jae liked him, as he walked over and asked to sit next to him. Jae had the right of mind to tell him to fuck off, but he didn’t really want any conflict this morning. He just agreed, settling his bag at his feet. Edward thanked him, sitting down before rambling about a bunch of random bullshit Jae didn’t care about

“I’m actually pretty worried about my calculus II final, I’ve heard it’s pretty rough. Our professor kind of sucks, but I think I can handle the final. Hey, I haven’t seen you with Sophie in a while, is she back on the menu or something-“

Jae practically hissed while glaring at Edward, looking prepared to do no less than murder him right there on the train. Even if things had been ruined with Sophie, he wasn’t about to listen to some self-absorbed loser talk about her like a piece of meat. Edward got the message and stood up, leaving him alone.

After Edward left, Jae groaned while placing his forehead in his arms. Why was it always the freaks of the school that approached him?

—————————————————————

Jae sat in the lounge of the business school, looking over the list of equations they would be quizzed on for the final exam. They would be given an equation sheet for the final, but Jae always found it easier to know the equations beforehand.

Looking over the standard outline of a balance sheet, Jae felt the familiar tendrils of nausea slither through his guts.

The first random bout of nausea happened two days ago, when Jae was on the train to school. He managed to fight off the urge to vomit the first time, but the next time he wasn’t so lucky. He vomited in his bathroom before leaving for school. Had the nausea not subsided afterwards, he wouldn’t have made it to class.

Jae sighed, clicking his pen to try and distract himself from the sickening contractions of his belly. He knew he shouldn’t allow himself to get so worked up over his mother, if this kept up he could end up puking in the middle of an exam. At least then, he could just blame it on panic over the test.

Jae laid back over his seat and looked straight up at the light above him, the shiners forming in his eyes not doing anything for his queasiness. He tried doing his breathing exercises, but it felt all too much like a mass of hot, sickening slop was slowly expanding in his gut.

Jae decided to cut his losses and go to the bathroom. Worst case scenario, he puked in the toilet. The worst case scenario for not leaving was puking all over his homework in front of everyone.

The bathrooms at his university weren’t a bad place to puke. Clean surfaces and toilets, spacious stalls, the only shame was that other guys would occasionally pop in and out to use the restroom. Luckily, they would probably just take a quick leak in the urinal, leaving Jae to blow chunks in the stall.

Locking himself in, Jae shakily lowered himself down to the toilet. He hated this, he hated puking, he hated the sensation of his stomach tightening and his throat burning and the bile spilling over his tongue. But as the saliva built up in his mouth, Jae knew it was inevitable.

Jae waited for the nausea to reach its peak, chasing away the occasional thought that it may pass. He considered pushing on his stomach or sticking his fingers down his throat to accelerate the process, but he soon found himself gagging on his own spit. Jae belched, the disgusting gas erupting from his mouth, before a wave of hot vomit spilled out. He would retch out one wave, cry, hope that it was over, only for the next to emerge. This cycle went on five times.

As Jae spat out the last mouthful of stomach acid, he reached over to grab a handful of toilet paper to wipe his mouth with. Spitting disgusting slime into it as he wiped, Jae chucked the wad of paper and flushed, making sure everything went down into the sewer to avoid others seeing evidence of his sickness.

When Jae left the stall to rinse his mouth out in the sink, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror. He looked awful, with his pale skin and dull eyes. Jae just wanted to go home and sleep, but class started in about ten minutes and even after he finished all his classes, he still had to deal with his mom.

Edward sat near him during their business lecture, but he seemed to get the idea that Jae did not want to talk. That was good, while Jae would throw hands with Edward if need be, he really didn’t want to do so in the middle of a lecture hall, especially on an upset stomach.

The professor was going over sample questions for the exam on the board. While the introductory business class wasn’t difficult for Jae, it was horribly boring. He absentmindedly chewed on the end of his pencil while the professor prattled on, thinking over all that was happening in his life.

He wanted to see Jimin again, but it would be too difficult for them to see each other with Jimin’s jobs and Jae’s schooling. Even when summer began, Jae doubted his mother would make things between them easy.

Until then, Jae supposed that he would have to get this semester done. After all, fucking up his grades now would just make things worse at home.

—————————————————————

It was on his way home from studying for the night that Jae and Jimin ran into each other. Jae was making his way to the train home from his university while Jimin was on his path to work.

Jimin called out at the familiar outline of the younger man, seeing the freedom music festival text on his hoodie. Jae turned around in surprise at Jimin’s voice, and his face lightened for the first time that day.

“Jimin!” Jae yelled out as he turned around and began running towards Jimin. Jae stopped just short of Jimin, seeming unsure of what to do next, but a light smile graced his face as Jimin pulled him into a massive hug. Enamored with the sensation of physical intimacy once again, Jae laid his face into Jimin’s shoulder.

They held each other for a few moments, but Jae pulled away to avoid making too much of a scene in public. They just stood at a distance with each other’s hand on their shoulders, admiring the sight of their companion. Boyfriends? Were they boyfriends? Neither of them knew.

“I’m sorry it’s been so long, Jimin, I really should have tried to visit you more often, but-”

“Jae, it’s okay. We’re both busy, I know that time gets away from us.”

Jae’s face fell a bit, and he looked down towards Jimin’s abdomen. “I’ve missed you, Min, but with school and my mom and everything I have to deal with, it’s just hard to get to see you.”

“I’ve missed you, too. Look, I have to get to work now, but I’ll try seeing you once we both have more free time. How about I give you a call tonight once my shift is over? Or if that’s too late, I can try to give you a call tomorrow?”

The call tomorrow didn’t appeal to Jae because he didn’t want to end up being nauseous through the call. But he just nodded, trying to be flexible with Jimin’s schedule.

The two parted ways, with Jae not wanting to make Jimin late for his shift and Jimin not wanting to invoke any more of Jae’s mother’s maternal wrath.

—————————————————————

When Jae was with his mother, the two were a physical reminder of the fact that genetics are a very strange thing.

In terms of their surface level appearance, Jae did strongly resemble his mother. Both had the same black hair, dark eyes, and pale skin.

That’s about where the similarities ended.

Jae’s mother’s name was Mina Kim, and she was the daughter of a Swedish soldier and a Norwegian woman. She had inherited the strong build of both of her parents, resulting in her broad shoulders and tall frame. With all the work she had to do with assisting patients at the hospital, she was able to maintain her muscular build.

Jae was by no means weak, but he felt embarrassingly frail compared to his mother, made even worse considering the fact that he was her son. He only stood at 166 centimeters, a bit shorter than his mother. Jae didn’t know who his father was, but he imagined that he was a tiny, frail man, far from the type of person he could see his mother being with. Then again, his mother didn’t seem to like most people.

When Jae got back home from his classes, Mina had already come home. She didn’t usually get home this early, but occasionally she had earlier shifts. This gave her the opportunity to come home and chastise Jae earlier.

Okay, maybe “chastise” wasn’t the best word to use. Maybe “bug.” Or “aggravate.” Or “be passive aggressive while interrogating him about his past behavior.”

Walking through the doors into his house, Jae could smell that his mother was cooking dinner. Uncommon, but after not having anything in his stomach ever since that morning it probably was for the best that he ate real food.

Not wanting to take any longer in the kitchen than he needed, he entered with his bag still slung over his shoulder. His mother was standing at the stove, cooking something that smelled like beef stew. That used to be his favorite thing his mother cooked for him, but she hadn’t made it in years. It took a long time to make, so Jae imagined that she got home from work very early.

Hearing her son come into the kitchen, his mother craned her head over her shoulder. “Hello, sweetheart, dinner will be ready in about ten minutes. How was school?”

It took every bit of self control Jae had not to groan at her term of endearment. “School was fine, it was mostly just going over everything for finals.”

“Do you feel prepared for them? I know you struggled in your math class last semester.”

“Struggled” was an awfully kind way to describe failing a class. Jae just hummed in approval. “I’ve been doing better at math this semester, I’ve been studying more often and going to the tutoring center. The other classes aren’t too bad, either.”

“That’s good.” She didn’t say any more than that. Jae wished she would, despite everything.

Once she confirmed that the meat and potatoes were finished cooking, his mother spooned a serving into a bowl for him. Now that his bout of nausea had passed, Jae was very hungry. He took the bowl with his gloved palms, using the fabric to shield his skin from the heat, but his mother grabbed his shoulder when he turned to leave for his room.

“Honey, why don’t we eat together tonight? It’s been a while since we’ve done so.”

Jae wasn’t going to argue with her, even though the thought of eating with his mother did dampen his appetite a bit. Sitting down at the table with his food, his mother took her place at the opposite end. This felt wrong, so terribly wrong. Jae knew for a fact that something terrible was about to happen.

Jae blew on a spoonful of meat and potatoes before putting it in his mouth. He didn’t know if it was still a bit too hot when he bit into it, but it didn’t seem to taste as flavorful as it did when he was a kid. Odd, maybe his tastes had changed, or maybe she had forgotten how to make it.

But it was food, and wholesome food for the matter. Jae began spooning in meat and vegetables while his mother watched, lips pursed in thought.

“Have you been hanging out with Sophie at all? It seems like it’s been a while since I've seen her at the house.”

Jae swallowed down his current mouthful more rapidly than he should have, resulting in his burning his esophagus on the way down. He held up a finger to his mom while he took a swig of water, signaling for her to wait for his response. He didn’t want to talk about Sophie right now, but what he wanted even less was the conversation to go the way he was expecting it to.

“You remember what happened between us, I think we just need some time apart. I… I think I do want to stay just friends with her, but I don’t know if she’ll be comfortable with that.”

“I hope things get better for the two of you.” His mother took the first bite of her own serving while he was already halfway done with his. “Sophie’s a good girl, but that brother of hers…”

Jae sighed, knowing that this would come up eventually. “Are you trying to get me to talk about Jimin? Is that why you cooked dinner and everything?”

That was the wrong thing to say to his mom. Her eyes narrowed in barely concealed rage, showing the same glare that Jae regularly gave to others. “So am I not allowed to cook dinner in my own damn house without you questioning it? Am I not allowed to learn more about the life of my son who I feed and shelter everyday?”

“It’s my own damn life.” Jae stood up, shooting the same glare back. Despite their differences in physique, anyone watching them here would be able to see clear as day that they were mother and son.

“What the hell did you do with that Park kid? I saw him drop you off in the driveway, I know you two did something the entire day you were gone. He didn’t get you started on something, did he? Or did he try forcing himself on you-”

Jae wasn’t having this anymore. Grabbing the remaining food he had, he turned to leave for his room.

His mother rounded the table and, without thinking, grabbed him firmly by the arm. He shrieked in pain, dropping the bowl of food on the ground. Her grip had partially pulled his sleeve up, revealing blood-stained skin marked with fresh wounds.

Jae stared at his mother, glowering at her like a wounded animal would regard a hunter, before grabbing his bag and leaving for his room.

He ended up cutting again later that night.

—————————————————————

When Jae picked up his phone on the third time calling, Jimin knew that something was very, very wrong.

Jae’s voice was hushed and forced like he had been crying, occasionally cracking on certain vowels.

“Hey, Min. Sorry if I seem a bit off, things have been kind of rough here at home lately.”

Jimin’s suspicions about Jae’s home life seemed to be confirmed, but he didn’t say this out loud.

“Jae, you don’t have to apologize for not feeling well. Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”

“…No, not really.”

It was late by the time Jimin called Jae, with it already being 1:00 AM by the time Jimin got off work. As such, Jimin didn’t expect the call to go on for long until Jae had to go back to sleep so he could rest for school the next day.

“Is there anything you want to talk about tonight, or do you just want to wait until tomorrow to talk? It’s a bit late tonight.”

“No, I want to talk tonight. I kind of want to just hear your voice, I guess.”

“Okay. Uhh, I guess work went kind of shit like it always does. There was no hostage situation or police shootout, but I had to kick someone out of the bar again. That’s probably the reason they keep me around, I’m good at kicking the shit out of hecklers. Not as good at mixing drinks, though.”

“Uh-huh, keep talking.”

“...Okay, let’s see, what else happened. Hmm, I think some guy was looking to mug me the other night. He was looking at me all weird as I was walking past him, but I think he got a look at my face and didn’t think I looked easy to take down. Or maybe I wasn’t cute enough for him.”

“Yep, ugh, keep going, Min.”

“If you want me to talk about more things, I guess there are the weird dreams I’ve been having. Or, maybe they’re not always dreams. I think sometimes, I’m too awake for it to technically be a dream. I don’t know, man, sometimes I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

Jimin didn’t notice how hard Jae was breathing on the phone until there was a small hitch in his gasping, an audible pondering of what Jimin had just relayed to him.

“Jimin, are you suffering from psychosis? Like, hnngh, have you ever been diagnosed with it?”

Jae sure was making awfully strange noises. Whatever, he was probably fine.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been to a psychologist. My parents took me to a lot of them when I was younger due to some… ‘juvenile delinquency’ issues. Needless to say, I wasn’t the golden child that my sister was as a kid. I think they tried to diagnose me with a few things, but no diagnosis really stuck.”

“I see. If you don’t mind me asking, when do you have these sorts of hallucinations?”

Jimin could tell that Jae was trying to slowly shift the conversation over to his drug problem. Did Jae not feel comfortable talking about it in person? Just the idea of hurting Jae and making him feel unsafe made Jimin want to cry. He usually cried about more things than would complement his public image, but the relationship issues had made everything worse.

“Jae, I know what you’re trying to do. I didn’t want to bring Sophie into this, and I don’t want to bring you into this, either.”

“I, ugh, I understand that Jimin, but you know that this problem does not only concern you. None of us want to see you hurting like this, Jimin. You have an illness, just like any other, and all we want you to do is take the resources to recover from it.”

Jae’s words etched into his caverns of his consciousness, scraping away at the webs blocking out all human connection. “I know I need help, I really do. But I just can’t.” It wasn’t just an issue of taking resources, it was an issue of talking to all the people he had hurt, asking for forgiveness, promising that he would change, and actually going through the process to change. And he didn’t know if he could do that.”

“Jimin…”

“Jae, I’ve already screwed up my life so badly. I don’t have a high school degree, I’m addicted to opioids, and my parents don’t want anything to do with me.”

“They would if they though you were willing to- oh fuck!”

Jimin just sat on his bed and listened at the sound of Jae turning away from the phone and groaning wildly. It only lasted a few seconds, but the gasping from him afterwards clued Jimin into what had just happened.

“Jae, were you jerking off just now?”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’ve just been feeling so weird lately. You called me in the middle of it, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to pick up tomorrow.”

Even though it hurt a bit to have this vulnerable moment interrupted by Jae climaxing on call, Jimin couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the absurdity of it.

“Jesus Christ, man.”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t been feeling right lately. It’s like I go straight from feeling like the world is ending to wanting to fuck everything in sight. I… I don’t know what’s happening to me.”

Jimin stopped laughing. “Jae, is everything alright? Well, okay. Maybe that’s not the best question to ask, but are you feeling okay?”

“I… I don’t know, I don’t know what’s happening.”

Shit, maybe Jae’s mental health issues were worsening from Jimin’s influence. Balling up the hair on half of his scalp, Jimin ran his fingers through the brown locks for some sort of comfort. “Maybe you should get looked at by a doctor, man, like I know you have the psychologist, but having a physician check you out might help.”

“I’ll do that after finals next week, I just want to focus on those for the time being.”

“Understood. Why don’t you just rest tonight and get back to me whenever you’re feeling better?”

Jae quickly agreed, and Jimin could tell that he was exhausted. After Jae hung up, Jimin laid in bed staring up at the ceiling.

Maybe Sophie shouldn’t have introduced them.

—————————————————————

Jae didn’t know what was wrong with himself.

Arms still aching from the events of that night, Jae curled up in his sheets, wearing nothing but a T-shirt and boxers. The bandages he applied were the only barriers preventing his own blood from staining the sheets. His body felt warm, warmer than it really should have with his fan running on full blast. Something was wrong, his body didn’t feel like his own.

He had a few things he had to worry about tomorrow. He did have morning classes again, but he also needed to call his physician to set up an appointment. Finding time to talk to Jimin wouldn’t hurt, either. Rolling onto his back, Jae absentmindedly traced the flat surface of his stomach. He wondered if the nausea would return tomorrow, and when it would if it did. It usually seemed to strike early in the morning, never near noon, so that was annoying to plan around.

Jae’s eyes widened as he began to think about what was happening.

Sickness in the morning, shit, isn’t that morning sickness? The thing people complain about when they get pregnant? Jae wasn’t an expert on pregnancy, only having experience from what he saw in movies and video games, but he knew that was one of the telltale signs of pregnancy.

Jae wanted to just laugh this off as a strange coincidence, it sure was unfortunate that he kept working himself up every morning. But the coincidences only seemed to stack.

He had a history of having mood swings with his depression, so maybe that was the explanation, but having those in tandem with the nausea seemed like very poor timing. The increased libido may have just been from missing Jimin, and maybe he was running a fever or something. Maybe he was just coming down with a virus, no point in freaking out over nothing.

Sweating cold stains into his bed, Jae tried to shut his eyes. He didn’t need to freak out over this if he wasn’t even pregnant. He didn’t want to test tomorrow, though, he had things to do. He would test after finals next week.

After all, it’s not like he even could have gotten pregnant from what he and Jimin did. He did take plan B, even though he wasn’t able to get it until a week after they had sex. But even without that, they only did it one time. How unlucky to become pregnant on his first time having sex!

No, Jae wasn’t pregnant. He couldn’t be.

He just couldn’t.

By the time she finally pulled into their driveway, Mina Kim was exhausted.

She had begun the day at noon with a sudden call from her confused father, Karl Kim. For some reason, he deleted her contact information, and called her number from his recent calls list to confirm who she was.

After helping her dad figure out how to properly use his phone, she was off to her night shift at the hospital. From 4:00 PM to 2:00 AM, Mina spent her time repositioning patients to avoid bedsores, helping them use the restroom, bathe them, and feed them. It was always tiring, but at least she got a proper workout by the end of the day. Going to the gym was something she missed before she had Jae, if she had more free time she would like to see if he would like to come with her. Working out would be good for his mental health.

Unlocking the door to their house, Mina’s immediate first thoughts were to check on her son. This was always her instinct, especially with finals week having just finished. If things had gone as poorly as last semester, Jae would probably fall into an even deeper depression.

Mina didn’t think this was likely, though. He had been working so much harder this semester, leaving the house so early and actually getting help from students at the tutoring center. Even after the debacle with that Park kid, Mina was so proud of her boy. She couldn’t comprehend how the same family had produced both Jimin and Sophie.

Walking past the ground floor restroom, Mina called out for her son.

No response.

She called once more, her heart already beginning to pound against her ribcage. When he didn’t respond again, she already knew something was wrong.

Holy shit, he’s dead, isn’t he?

Bolting up the stairs, Mina felt ready to puke at the thought of her beloved son being dead. She didn’t bother knocking, she just shoved her way past the door, fully expecting to see Jae’s corpse in his room.

There was nothing there. Nothing hanging from the ceiling, nothing underneath his sheets, nothing on the floor. He wasn't there.

She stood there for a second baffled, trying to figure out if he just hadn’t been home. She moved her hand to flip out her phone to check for any text messages, before she was stopped in her tracks by a soft noise emanating from the bathroom.

Her heart sank, immediately recognizing the sound. Those were her son's cries. He was crying in the bathroom. Shit, was he cutting again?

Not even thinking, Mina approached the bathroom to let herself in. Jae hadn’t locked the door, so she was able to open it.

When she finally saw what Jae was doing, relief flooded her mind when she saw he wasn’t cutting. That was good. Actually, she wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing. All she knew was that he was curled up next to the toilet, sobbing. He didn’t have a hoodie on, but the dark hair covering his face prevented her from seeing his expression.

“Jae, honey, what’s wrong?”

Jae clearly hadn’t noticed her coming in, as he jumped at her voice. Now looking his mother in the eyes, he looked positively terrified.

“Mom, I-” Jae took what he was holding and clutched them further into his shirt. There were a few red marks on his arms that were clearly more recent than the others, but they didn’t seem to be from today.

“Dear, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Ever so gently, she approached him at his position near the toilet. She went to place her hand on his cheek, but he backed away, clearly not wanting to see her in this instant. She took a bit more hurt to this than she probably should have.

“Mom, I… I think you should leave.” Jae was hiding something from her. Mina didn’t like him hiding things from her, hiding things from her was how he got hurt. She couldn’t have him hurt, losing him would kill her. She had to find out what he was hiding.

Jae barely even fought back as she pulled his arms back and took the objects he was clutching, he knew he had already lost.

At that moment, Mina had a sense of Deja vu as she was greeted with a similar sight to what she saw nineteen years ago.

Four pregnancy tests. Four different brands. All positive.

Things didn’t really register to Mina for a few moments. She assumed that she must have been having some sort of hallucination. After all, she did have a fair share of those when Jae was a baby, maybe her medications stopped working years later.

Because it just didn’t make sense. Her sweet little boy, her Jae, being pregnant? Impossible.

She was brought to her senses by the sound of Jae retching. Turning her head, she could see him beginning to vomit in the toilet. She had plenty of moments like these early in her own pregnancy, whether they were from morning sickness or panic, so she did what helped her back then and began to rub at her son’s back.

Her son was fucking pregnant.

—————————————————————

Jae wanted to be literally anywhere in the world, doing literally anything else, than puking in the toilet while his mother watched, knowing damn well he went and got himself knocked up.

My life is over. I’m fucked. My mom hates me. I’ll never be independent, I’m going to die. I’m going to ruin someone’s life. I’m going to ruin Jimin’s life. I’ve ruined my own life. I don’t know what to do.

Strings of nonsense floated through Jae’s brain as he coughed into the toilet, feeling like he was truly about to die. He couldn’t breath even when he wasn’t retching, couldn’t comprehend what was happening in his body. His body was being squeezed so tightly from the inside, forcing out all of his stomach contents and air. Jae’s heart wouldn’t stop thumping in his chest so loudly, so strongly he was sure his mother could hear it. He felt cold, so cold, but occasional patches of heat on his skin would feel like they were burning into him.

After gasping for air on the toilet for a while, he could feel his mother’s muscular arms begin to pull him against her chest. He felt like a child again, not too unlike his mother comforting him for tripping and scraping his knee.

“Mom, I- I- I can’t… I can’t breathe.”

“Dear, you need to calm yourself.”

“I can’t- I can’t fucking breath, mom!”

“Breathe with me, then.”

Holding her son’s face in her hands, she looked him straight in his bloodshot eyes as she took in a long, deep breath of air. Jae’s face was red from crying and covered in a mixture of tears, sweat, snot, and a bit of vomit. He continued sobbing as he tried to follow her instructions, but just ended up coughing and drooling all over himself.

Jae only began to calm down a bit once his mother began to run her hands over his hair. She did this ever since Jae was a baby, and as embarrassing as it was to admit, it was comforting. His heartbeat began to even out just a bit as he laid against his mother, slowly gaining more control over his breathing. Once he mostly recovered from the panic attack, he shifted himself out of his mother’s arms, not wanting to be smothered any more.

Sitting against the bathroom cabinet, waiting for his mother to speak was the most suspenseful moment of his entire life.

“Okay, so…” she sounded so confused, like she couldn’t comprehend the idea of what she just learned. “I think… I think the best way to start is by telling me who got you… pregnant.”

“Jimin.”

Jae looked away as his mother groaned, clearly displeased with the answer she received.

“So the first time you go out on your own for the night, and you end up pregnant with the baby of a junk-”

“Mom, I don’t- I don’t have the patience for this right now.” Jae’s voice was still cracking from the stress of the situation.

“What are you going to do, Jae? You know what your options are, right?”

Jae looked down, beginning to cry even harder. He did know his options, and he didn’t like any of them.

“I don’t know what to do, mom. It… it feels selfish for me to bring a child into the world when I don’t have the resources to care for it, but I don’t know if I could handle the experience of terminating the pregnancy. It just seems so intense.”

“You do realize that going through nine months of pregnancy is also intense, right?” She crossed her arms, looking down at her son with a mixture of grief and empathy.

“I know that, I just, I don’t want to terminate it. But I don’t know if I could cope with giving it up for adoption after carrying it in my body for so long.”

“I understand that honey, but you need to realize that for a lot of babies, going to an adoptive family is the best possible thing for them.”

Guilt pulled at Jae’s heart, he felt so guilty for what he had brought a kid into. “I… can I please talk to Jimin first to figure out what to do?”

His mother scoffed. “Why would you want to bring him into this? That loser can’t even take care of himself.”

“But I love him, mom. I really do.”

“Do you love him or the attention he gives you?” From the rapid-fire way his mother was questioning him, Jae imagined this sort of situation was all too familiar.

“Mom, would you just stop it already! He’s the only person that understands me, not even Doctor Purnell can do that.”

“Jae, you’re so young, you don’t know how love works yet.”

“Maybe I would know if you actually let me be around other kids when I was younger.” Jae sank to the floor, completely defeated.

“No one your age knows, Jae. I know I messed up a lot as a mother, but I don’t want you to go through what I did. I wasn’t too much older than you when you were born, and without your father to help me, it was only really my parents giving me assistance. I even lost that partially when your grandmother died. Jae, I’m not going to force you to make any decisions right now, but please be rational about this.”

Jae barely paid attention to a word she just said, but he nodded anyway.

“Good. Listen, how about we do this. You go get some rest, and in the morning, I’ll make an appointment with an OBGYN and once we get a look at your baby, we can figure out what to do from there. You have time to figure things out, Jae, you just have to be smart about it.”

“I… I know, mom, just let me sleep. We can talk about this tomorrow.”

His mother nodded, squeezing his shoulder before getting up to leave. Before exiting the bathroom doorway, she turned back to her son.

“I love you, Jae, and nothing you do will ever change that.”

Jae wasn’t sure he entirely believed her, but he couldn’t afford to lose her, not now. “I love you, too, mom. I’m sorry.”

She left without another word.

—————————————————————

With how the two of them looked in the waiting room, Jae suspected that people would assume his mother was the pregnant one. After all, he was still so young to be pregnant, and it wasn’t unheard of for women in their early forties to have babies.

Jae would prefer it if they assumed that. However, he knew it would only be about time before his belly got too big to keep up the illusion.

The night after discovering he was pregnant, he stayed up just running his hands over his abdomen, trying to comprehend having a baby in there, a growing human. It just didn’t seem right to him, it didn’t seem possible. Maybe there was some sort of mistake, maybe he had four false positives in a row due to some health issue.

His mother wasn’t able to get an appointment until a week after they found out. Jae was fine with this; he just wanted some time to try and comprehend what had happened. The morning sickness hasn’t dissipated, it in fact had spread out more throughout the day, but that didn’t stop his mother from trying to get more food into him. Despite this, the only things Jae could find himself stomaching on a regular basis were either citrus fruits or dry carbohydrates.

Since he suspected being pregnant two weeks ago, he had hardly said a word to Jimin. The other man had messaged him a few times, asking if something was wrong with Jae, but he backed off once Jae said he needed some space to himself. Jae didn’t even know where to begin with telling him about the pregnancy.

“Kim?”

Jae’s heart rate quickened as he heard his name called. He stood up faster than he should have and had to hold himself up against the chair as his brain seemed to move independently from his body. Apparently, becoming easily dizzy was an early sign of pregnancy.

Mina got up to help him, but he stood up on his own and shrugged her off. “I think I need to do this part alone; they’ll be doing some things that I don’t really want you in there for.”

His mother nodded, already telling him what she had to go through in her pregnancy with him. He was not looking forward to a pelvic exam, but he knew as the pregnancy progressed that he would have to get used to invasive procedures.

Following the nurse deeper into the building, Jae found himself caught up on an issue that had plagued him ever since finding out he was pregnant.

“Just letting you know; I have a history of poor mental health. I think we can have my psychologist forward some things over, if need be, but I suffer from depression. I’ve… I’ve self-harmed in the past.”

His nurse turned to face him, facial expression still pleasant but with a hint of concern. “We do have plenty of resources for parents with mental health concerns, and it is normal for parents your age to have these resources. You can talk about it more in depth with the doctor when you see her, she’ll understand.”

He felt relieved to hear about the resources, feeling slightly less alone about the whole situation. “I’m just letting you know because when you take my blood and do the pelvic exam, you’ll see scars. Some of them are recent.”

“Noted. If you are concerned about your depression during the pregnancy, there are parent and baby units you can enter at psychiatric hospitals that can help you.”

“That’s good to hear. By the way, does the pelvic exam hurt?” Aside from showing his scars, that was the part Jae was dreading the most.

The nurse regarded him with sympathy: being such a young parent, he was probably terrified. “It is uncomfortable, especially when it’s your first time having one, but it will only take a few minutes to finish. It’ll actually be your OBGYN performing it, she’ll do it before you have your ultrasound.”

Jae didn’t know if he was looking forward to the ultrasound. Although there was a part of him that did want to see what was growing inside his body, he mostly just felt scared, scared of coming to terms with what he would be dealing with in a few months time.

Jae’s height and weight were taken, 166 centimeters tall and 54.6 kilograms. He had lost a bit of weight with the morning sickness, but the nurse assured him that this was normal and that he was still at a healthy weight.

While the nurse had Jae urinate in a cup to test his urine content, she prepared to take a blood sample from him. After handing her the urine sample, she sat him down to take his blood.

Even with her reassuring words, she was clearly worried by the scars on his forearm. The skin covering his median cubital vein was mostly clear near the elbow, so she was able to wipe it off with an alcohol wipe and insert the needle. Jae watched the entire process, as he wasn’t scared of needles and he didn’t have anything else to do.

With all of his samples collected, Jae sat back in his chair waiting for the complete physical, anxious at what was about to happen. He didn’t think it was likely for things to go too poorly, but having someone in such a vulnerable part of his body was nerve-wracking.

—————————————————————

When the OBGYN finally did come in, she seemed like a pleasant woman. Tall, with dark blonde hair and green eyes. She seemed to be slightly older than his mother, and she had a serene energy to her that put Jae at ease a bit.

“Hello, Mr. Kim. I hope everything went well with the nurse?”

“Hello. Uhh, yes, things went fine. She got everything she needed.”

“That’s good. My name is Dr. Bergström, and I’ll be doing a few examinations on you today before we begin your ultrasound. Susan let me know that you were a bit worried about a few things, why don’t we talk a bit before we continue?”

So the nurse’s name was Susan. She probably introduced herself at some point, but Jae was too anxious to pay attention to that.

“Okay, sounds good to me.”

Dr. Bergström began by asking about Jae’s history with mental health and medication. He mentioned the dosage of citalopram he was on, concerned that it could hurt the baby, but she insisted that if he became pregnant while on it, it was probably fine. Besides, the tests and physicals on him would let them know how his body was faring.

“The nurse, Susan, I think you said her name was, she mentioned something about a parent and baby unit at a psychiatric hospital. Do you think that if things get bad, they can help me out over there?”

The doctor gave him a reassuring smile. “Of course, that’s what they’re there for. You have a lot of support here, you know. You aren’t alone. There’s a great hospital in Markland that I think can help you out.”

Jae thought bitterly about how no doctor could truly understand how he felt, but he didn’t mention this to the OBGYN.

“I saw that you have your mother here today. Is she your primary support system?”

“If you’re asking if the father of the baby is involved, then the answer is no. Well, not yet at least. I haven’t told him yet. I want to finish this appointment first before he knows.”

“Of course. And if you do need more support, there are plenty of resources to help you.”

Jae didn’t want to think about what would happen if Jimin left him, he couldn’t see himself handling this alone. He wasn’t as strong as his mother, he needed help.

After typing everything she needed to into her computer, Doctor Bergström smiled sympathetically at Jae.

“If you’re done asking questions, I believe this is as good a time as any to start on your physical. I know this part is scary, so if you have any concerns, just let me know as soon as possible, okay?”

Jae shook his head, mentally preparing for the worst part of the day.

————————————————————

It’s not like the pelvic exam didn’t suck. Having himself pried open on a table and prodded on the inside was among the most unpleasant things Jae had ever experienced, but Doctor Bergström was a keen listener into what Jae needed. If he showed signs of discomfort, she would pull back, and she let him know whatever she was doing before she did so. By the end of the examination, Jae wasn’t as shaken up as he expected to be. His body ached a bit, but he imagined that the aches would dissipate soon.

After a quick check up on everything else on Jae’s body, he was able to get fully clothed and follow the doctor to the room where he would have his ultrasound. Aside from the scars and the pelvic exam, this was yet another part of the process Jae was fearing.

His mother was already waiting in the room, having been led in there earlier by the nurse. She gave a nod of acknowledgement to Jae when he entered, but she didn’t smile. She didn’t smile often, but ever since he discovered he was pregnant she seemed so much gloomier. Not that he could blame her.

Jae sat back up on the examination table, pulling up his T-shirt as the ultrasound equipment was rolled in. There wasn’t any visible bump yet, the doctor said he probably wouldn’t be showing until after his second appointment in a month, but Jae wasn’t looking forward to how big he expected to be by the end of this. If he was lucky, the baby would be small like he was at birth.

Approaching Jae with a bottle in her hand, Doctor Bergström placed a hand on his shoulder. “This is going to be cold, okay?”

Jae heard what she had warned, but he still gasped in shock as the freezing cold jelly was squirted on his stomach. His mother held out her hand in support, but he refused to take it, instead clutching his sore fingernails into the cushion beneath him.

“Alright, Jae, you might want to try relaxing a bit while we take a look, okay?” The ultrasound technician had such a sickly sweet voice, he almost felt like he was visiting the pediatrician again.

Jae just looked at his belly while the doctor ran the wand across it, not looking at the screen out of fear of what he could see, until the doctor gave an excited shout. “Well, won’t you look at that, Jae!”

Finally turning his head to the screen, Jae wasn’t entirely sure what it was he was looking at. On the black background, a sea of pale blue static appeared. A large black area was centered in it, and in this area was a little blue… thing.

“Do you see that, Jae? That’s your baby!”

Jae continued staring at the shape on the monitor as his doctor walked him through everything on it. Soon, he was able to make out the baby’s head, body, and limbs, along with something called a yolk sac to the left of it. Jae’s mouth was slightly agape as he began to comprehend what he was looking at.

It felt like someone was rubbing their thumbs on Jae’s heart, and he kept swallowing hard out of the emotion of the sight. This felt… oddly real, now. There really was a baby inside him, he really was pregnant.

This realization was so terrifying that it caused a few tears to slip past his eyelids. He tried to wipe them off before anyone saw, but from the way his mother brushed his hair back with her hand, he could tell he was not successful.

“Everything is looking healthy with your baby so far, Jae. From the looks of how it’s developing, I’d say you’re about eight weeks along. Your baby shouldn’t be much larger than your fingernail, now.”

Still sniffling, Jae looked down at his belly and held up his thumb to its surface, trying to comprehend something so tiny in there having such a massive impact on him.

“If I am correct, then if the pregnancy goes to term, you should be having your baby in January.”

January. Right after Christmas, he would be having a baby. Two months after his twentieth birthday, he would be having a baby. It was only June now, he really didn’t have much time to figure everything out before he was someone’s father.

“Do you want to try hearing the baby’s heartbeat?”

Jae’s thoughts were cut off by the doctor’s question. He regarded her in confusion. “Can you even sense it this early?”

She pointed to the screen where the baby was, gesturing to its body. “It has a heartbeat now, and sometimes you can pick up on it pretty early. Some people are able to hear it as early as six weeks.”

“Okay, sure. You can try.”

Jae wasn’t expecting anything to happen, but as the ultrasound technician used a separate device on his belly, a strange, periodic static noise began to fill the room. A heartbeat, that strange robotic noise was his baby’s heartbeat. The doctor and the technician both beamed at Jae, but their faces neutralized as he began to sob.

He couldn’t even begin to grasp what was happening anymore. This noise that was coming from the machine was his own child’s heartbeat, he was growing another person inside of him. And for that, he felt horrible.

Jae had never felt so scared and young as he did at that moment, accepting his mother’s physical affection for the first time that day. He was so immature, so stupid, how was he supposed to bring someone up in this world?

“Shhh, honey, it’s okay.” His mother whispered as she hugged him, running her fingers through his hair.

“I- I don’t know what to do, mom.”

“Honey, you don’t have to know now. We’ll figure it out.”

Jae wanted to trust her, he wanted her to make all the pain go away like she always did when he was a kid, but he knew she couldn’t do that this time. This was his own problem to deal with, he had to figure out the right thing to do.

And the only way to start was by telling Jimin.

—————————————————————

Outside of the pizza place in North Fäversholm, Jae had never dreaded seeing Jimin as much as he did then.

Jimin had already been waiting near the entrance, having come because Jae made plans with him two nights ago. Ever since Jae sent him the message that he needed time to himself, Jimin had been terrified that something had gone wrong. When Jae texted him asking to meet up, it was the first time Jae had initiated a conversation in weeks.

"Hi, Min. Sorry it’s been a while. Can we talk in person sometime soon?"

"Yeah we can. You don’t have to worry, I understand you need your space. Do you want to call now?"

"No, let’s do it in person."

"Okay. I’ll be busy tomorrow, why don’t we go get food or something the day after."

"Sounds good."

Looking back on it, Jae regretted agreeing to eat. Even without the occasional morning sickness throughout the day, just the thought of telling Jimin about the pregnancy made him want to vomit.

Jimin had walked over to greet Jae, excited to see him again after so long, but his heart sank when Jae did not return the same emotions. He looked so sad, staring off in the distance as Jimin approached. Shit, he was breaking up with him. They weren’t even properly dating, and Jae was breaking up with him.

“Jimin, you wanted to get something to eat, right?”

“Well, yes, but-“

“Then let’s get something to eat. We can talk while eating.”

Jimin was unsure of what was going on. Would Jae wait until they were both eating to break things off? Was he trying to get Jimin to eat to be in a better mood for it?

Whatever was happening, Jimin was pretty hungry. His stomach growled uncomfortably from the lack of food he had been ingesting, so it was for the best that he ate something soon.

—————————————————————

“Yeah, so that’s what happened at the bar the other night, those chicks were fucking insane. Like, look at how hard one of them scratched me when I had to rip her off of my buddy.”

Jimin pointed to a small scratch underneath his left eye, which was seemingly becoming slightly infected. “Nasty bitch.”

Jae wasn’t interested in either the food in front of him nor the story of the frat girls starting a fight with each other at the bar. He had barely picked at his salad and was refusing to take a bite out of the pizza on his plate, feeling too queasy to do so.

“Yeah, so that’s what’s been going on in my life. I don’t know if you feel comfortable talking about yourself, though. You can if you want to, that’s why we’re here and it’s been a while since we’ve really talked.” Jimin took a bite out of his second slice, he didn’t seem to be having any problem eating.

Jae sighed, turning away from the sight of food. “Nothing much is up with me, I’m just tired from finishing finals week.”

Jimin’s gaze went down to Jae’s untouched slice of pizza. “Are you sure nothing is up? You aren’t eating, something seems up. Did you-“ Jimin leaned in closer to whisper into Jae’s ear, and Jae could smell the pizza in his breath. “Did you end up going to the physician?”

Jae sighed, sitting back firmly with frustration at his inability to discuss what was wrong. “Jimin, can we take this to your place?”

Jimin paused for a second before swallowing his bite of food. “Okay, I can tell this is serious. Let’s pay and we can walk over to my apartment, it’s not too far from here.”

Jae knew that things would get more personal when they were alone, but he didn’t want any strangers seeing what was happening. “Sounds good.”

—————————————————————

Jimin’s apartment wasn’t nearly as bad as Jae had expected it to be, but it wasn’t great, either.

With the proximity to the woods, the smells from the trees were able to partially mask the scents of cigarettes and booze. A few broken bottles were laying haphazardly on the ground and Jae thought he saw a few broken needles, but it may have been his eyes playing tricks on him.

Jimin’s apartment was on the third floor of his building, which they entered through the concrete deck facing the streets. Passing through the doorway once Jimin unlocked it, Jae felt ready to pass out. Not only was this the most terrifying moment of his entire life, but he was also easily winded by walking upstairs now. Shit, only eight weeks along and a flight of stairs was enough to make Jae feel like he was dying.

“Shit, easy, man.” Jimin helped catch Jae, leading him over to the couch in the apartment’s living room. Looking around, Jae confirmed that his mother was correct about Jimin not taking proper care of himself. Random pieces of trash covered sections of the floor, and he was pretty sure Jimin didn’t even have a frame for his bed.

“Sorry for this shithole, it’s kind of been a while since I’ve cleaned.”

It seemed like quite a bit longer than “a while” to Jae, who was now catching his breath on the sofa. Fuck, this was happening. This was really happening.

“Jimin, you might want to sit down for this.”

Jimin looked so concerned as he looked Jae over, the pure worry in his expression sending waves of remorse through Jae, before slowly nodding. Jimin sat down as Jae pushed himself up, steeling himself for what he had to do.

“Jae, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“That’s what I’m going to say. Jimin, I…” Jae rubbed his forearm while looking down, unable to meet Jimin’s panicked gaze. “Look, it’s about what happened on Easter.”

Jimin let out a shaky groan. “Let me guess, your mom found out and she wants to kill me?”

“My mom found out because I… I’m pregnant, Jimin.”

At that moment, the world seemed to stop. He could hear Jimin gasp lightly in shock, which caused Jae to tense up even more. Oh shit, how was he about to react? He knew Jimin wouldn’t hurt him physically, but the emotional fallout from this meeting could be just as bad.

Jimin reacted by not saying anything. For a very long time.

With the anticipation of Jimin’s reaction nearly killing him, Jae decided to look him in the eyes. Jimin was staring at him, eyes searching Jae’s entire body over, and Jae realized that he was trying to look for signs of his body changing. He looked scared, more scared than Jae had ever seen him be.

“I’m not going to look pregnant yet, Min. Not for a while. I think I’m only a bit over eight weeks along. Here, you can take a look.” Jae fished out the ultrasound prints the technician had made, and Jimin stood up to take them from him. Jimin’s eyes were wide as he looked the scans over, trying to wrap his head around what he was looking at.

He had made Jae pregnant. He took Jae, a young man trying to get his life back together, up into the north on a motorcycle, fucked him, and made him pregnant when he was still in college.

He had ruined Jae’s life. And not only had he ruined Jae’s life, but he also preemptively ruined the life of whoever the baby on the ultrasound would be born as.

He never should have met Jae.

Shutting his eyes, Jimin dropped the photos, took a few steps back, and felt his body begin to fall unconscious. He didn’t collapse at quite the angle he would have liked, and he thought he felt his head hitting something as he became out cold, faintly registering Jae calling out his name as his consciousness faded.

Maybe the several different opioids he had running in his veins prevented him from properly dealing with these situations.

Chapter Text
Throbbing head heavily bandaged with gauze, Jimin knew that he probably looked sketchy as hell rapping on the apartment door past midnight. It was a good thing the stitches on his scalp were dissolvable, there was no way he could go back to the hospital now.

He felt so numb after everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours, to the point where even his stabbing headache and cold blood felt like noise, waves of agony barely even registering.

By some miracle, he eventually heard stirring behind the door. The noise eventually stopped for a moment, which Jimin assumed was to check the peephole to see just who was at his door at this ungodly hour of the morning. Jimin heard the door handle clicking as it was unlocked, opening to reveal a disgruntled and slightly bewildered man. This was Jimin’s friend, Jimmy.

Well, at least Jimin considered him a friend; he was partially convinced that Jimmy hated him. And honestly? That was kind of a dick move, especially given the fact that it was Jimmy’s fault that Jimin had the scar under his right eye.

“Jimin. What the fuck.”

“Hey, Jim. Look, I know that it’s really late, but you have to let me in. I fucked up. Badly. I need your help, man.” Jimin wasn’t sure how Jimmy could help him, but he had to talk to someone that wasn’t Jae or his mom or any of Jimin’s family members.

Jimmy’s eyes narrowed condemningly at the bandages surrounding Jimin’s head. “Don’t fucking tell me you got into trouble with a gang, if you did I’m slamming this door in your face.”

“No, no gangs, it’s just- it’s complicated.”

Jimmy tilted his head towards the gauze. “Who did this to you, then?”

“I did.” When Jimmy’s eyes widened, Jimin realized how concerning this sounded and amended his statement. “I fell over and hit my head, can we just talk about this inside? It’s cold.”

“Wow, you poor thing. Maybe if you actually tried going to rehab for once, you wouldn’t feel so cold all the time.” Contradicting the tone of his words, Jimmy actually did let Jimin into his apartment. As relieved as Jimin was to be let in, he couldn’t help but quickly glower at the other man.

Jimmy's apartment was not necessarily neat, but it was clean enough to put Jimin’s apartment to shame. Aside from occasional dirty dishes and musical equipment on the surfaces, there wasn’t much to criticize in terms of how the living quarters were maintained. The drum set that was the centerpiece of the living room was a bitter reminder of the relationships that had been lost to time. The memories made in high school of playing music with his friends had only begun to fade nearly a decade later, the muscle memory of the guitar and callused fingers being the only physical artifacts of those years.

Jimmy led Jimin to the sofa next to the drum set. The L-shaped sofa allowed the two men to sit facing each other, sitting slightly angled to attempt to make eye contact. Jimin was glancing lightly to the side, giving him the appearance of a poorly house-trained dog.

“So, what did you fuck in this time, Min?”

Jimin opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t find the words to communicate what had happened. As a result, he just sat with his mouth open, his aching brain unable to form coherent sentences.

“Jimin!”

At the sound of his name being shouted, Jimin jumped. “Alright, shit, okay, I’m trying to figure out where to start. Okay, this started on Easter. Did I tell you about that friend of my sister’s that I was hanging out with?”

“You’re hanging out with your sister’s friends?” Jimmy looked down at Jimin, his countenance displaying how pathetic the other man seemed.

“I only hang out with one of them, his name is Jae, and by the time Easter came around, I think we both came to be pretty fond of each other. I know that I care for him, and I think he likes me, too. It’s a bit weird because he used to have a crush on Sophie, so I don’t know what’s become of that, but-“

“So you’re screwing around with your sister’s boyfriend? Is that what you’re doing? God, what a shitty thing to do to your own sister.”

Jimin felt his face tighten; he was getting really fed up with Jimmy’s constant shit tonight. He was usually able to handle it, but with the painkillers the hospital gave him dissipating from his veins, Jimin’s patience was wearing thin.

“He was never her girlfriend, she rejected him a few months before Easter. I think I ended up filling the vacuum left by Sophie by accident, but I didn’t mind at the time because… well, Jae is pretty damn cute. He doesn’t like it when people say that, but he is. As we got to know each other a bit more, I began to feel more of a connection. We’re different, I think he is way too good for me, but at times it feels like we’re cut from the same block.”

Listening to Jimin explain his relationship with Jae, Jimmy seemed to actually be interested in what he was saying for the first time that night. He nodded whenever Jimin finished a sentence and didn’t interrupt anymore. Feeling free from a stick up his ass, Jimin continued his story.

“I got this motorcycle from this guy in exchange for some of my shit, and I wanted to show it off to Jae before I sold the thing for cash. We ended up driving North all the way to Sollefteä, and things became physical once we checked into a motel.”

“Oh god, don’t tell me you gave him something.” Jimmy’s face twisted in disgust at the thought of what health issues Jimin could have spread.

Jimin sighed as he shut his eyes; this was it, this was the moment he had to confess. “I’m clean, so I didn’t give him any disease, but I did give him something else.” Jimin leaned forward, looking down while placing his hands on his thighs. “A baby. I made him pregnant.”

For a moment, Jimmy said nothing, just staring blankly at Jimin, before throwing his head back while pinching the bridge of his nose. “Min, how old is this guy?”

“He’s about the same age as my sister, he’s nineteen.” Jimin felt like a foot had been shoved against his heart at the realization of just how young Jae was to be pregnant. He couldn’t imagine Sophie having to be going through something like this at her age, and to his knowledge Jae was a few months younger.

“Did you not use protection with him?”

“I wanted to, but he told me not to, he said he would take plan B the next day. While texting once, he mentioned not being able to get it until a week later, so I guess that has something to do with it.”

“You are the stupidest piece of shit I know, Jimin. Why didn’t you just refuse to do it raw and use a condom?”

Jimin knew that Jimmy was right, and this made the argument even worse. He was a twenty-five year old drug addict getting pissy at a man who was entirely correct, and Jimin felt like such a bitch for getting mad at his words. It was difficult remembering another time feeling this low in his entire life.

“Look, I know I’m a dumbass. There’s no excuse for what I did, I knew better than to do it without protection. But now that I’ve fucked up, I don’t know what to do. Not only did I ruin Jae’s life, but I’ve ruined the kid’s life, too. I… he showed me the ultrasound photos of the kid. When he did that, it became so real. The little squirt in those scans is my kid, I helped make them, and I hate myself for that. I’ve forced this kid to have a complete failure as a father.”

This was not how Jimmy was expecting their conversation to go when he saw Jimin through the peephole of his apartment, covered in bandages. “Min, if you feel so bad about this, why don’t you make things right and talk to Jae?”

Jimin shook his head wildly, grasping the sides of it in his palms. “I can’t, not after what happened today.”

“What happened? I imagine it has to do with the bandages?”

“Jae came to my apartment. I think some weird shit has been going on with my body lately, because when he showed me the ultrasound photos, I blacked out. I ended up denting my head on a table and he had to call an ambulance for me.”

Too sickened by his actions to sit anymore, Jimin stood up to pace around the couch, barely sparing Jimmy even a glance.

“I woke up while the doctors were stitching up my head. There was no damage to the skull, but the blow I received was pretty bad. After they stitched and bandaged everything up, they told me I had someone who wanted to visit me. I know for a fact that it was Jae, it had to be.”

“And did you not talk to him?”

“No. This is going to sound really bad, but I fled out the window.”

“That’s going to sound really- Jimin, you stupid fuck! Of course that sounds bad! You left him!” Jimmy left the couch to stare Jimin in the eyes, although he had to look up a bit to do so. “You have to go back to him!”

“No!” Jimin’s shoulders raised in a tense line to the point where his head had disappeared into his silhouette. “Jim, I don’t think you understand the situation at hand. I can’t go back, I never should have met him.”

Jimmy was now taking a stance that was a few inches short of grabbing Jimin by the throat and strangling him. “Don’t you think it’s a bit too late for that? Min, you. Need. Help. Do you really want to just sit around in the future and bitch about how you’ve lost everything you had? It’s not too late to change, but you need help, please.”

“I know I do-“

“Then go get the help! There is a hospital in Markland with a rehab program. I will personally drive you there if you promise you will make things right.”

Jimin felt so conflicted. On one hand, he wanted to be free from his addiction. He wanted to finally be a functioning member of society who his family could finally be proud of. But Jimin knew that this was only the idea of rehab, and not the reality of it.

Rehab was going to hurt, to the point of being the most painful experience of Jimin’s life. More painful than having his cheek sliced open, more painful than banging his head, more painful than the times Jimin had been left beaten, bruised, and broken.

And yet, Jimin couldn’t imagine it being more painful than being alone for the rest of his life, abandoning those who needed him most.

“But what if I fail?”

Jimin didn’t realize he had spoken until Jimmy scoffed. “You better not, Min. You better not.”

Realizing that he had nowhere else to run, Jimin resigned himself to his fate. “Okay, Jim. Drive me to the hospital. I’ll do the rehab program.”

Jimmy didn’t smile, he never did, but his expression lightened up greatly like a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “Come on, man, let’s go make things right.”

—————————————————————

Jae had a difficult time absorbing all that had happened in the past twenty-four hours.

The ambulance ride had been miserable. Jae had been allowed to come with once he said that he was Jimin’s boyfriend. Jimin had been unconscious nearly the entire time, with his sleep only being disrupted by occasional sharp turns and blinding lights within the ambulance.

Once Jimin had been taken into the emergency room for treatment, Jae was told to stay in the waiting room until he was given permission to see Jimin. Sitting down in the sterile, expressionless room, Jae felt so alone. The only two people close to him that knew were his mother and Jimin. His mother didn’t believe in him, and now he didn’t think he could rely on Jimin, either.

Burying his face deep into his hands, Jae wanted to cry. There wasn’t much preventing him from just balling up in the chair and sobbing, and it’s not like he had anything to lose from doing so. As far as Jae was concerned, his life was over.

But there was a sliver of hope coming from an unlikely source in Jae’s mind. Jimin did have family who would want to see him if he was injured, and maybe, one of those family members would be able to help him somehow.

Digging his phone out of the pocket in his jeans, Jae turned it on, searched for the name in his contacts list, and called it. One ring, two rings, they rattled through his eardrums into his throbbing brain, before she picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, Sophie, I’m at the hospital right now. No, it’s not me, nothing happened to me, it’s Jimin. You and your family might want to come…”

—————————————————————

And that is how Jae ended up in a hospital waiting room cornered by a frantic young woman and her exhausted parents.

The Parks were a visually distinct couple, with the husband being a tall, massively built man while the wife was a very tiny woman, being a fair bit shorter than Jae. Looking at them, he could tell who Jimin and Sophie got their builds from, respectively.

Oddly enough, aside from the issue of height Jimin seemed to resemble his mother more while Sophie more closely resembled their father. Their father had blonde hair and a friendlier aura to him than their mother, who had dark hair and sharp features. Jae always thought that Jimin and Sophie were very different looking to be siblings, but having a close look at the family together allowed things to make more sense.

Sophie was clearly on the verge of crying, reddened eyes threatening to spill tears. Jae knew that this was probably due to her concern over Jimin, but having to see Jae so suddenly after the rejection probably didn’t make things easier. Shit, did she even know that they were seeing each other? This was about to be a pretty intense way to find out that her brother fucked her childhood best friend.

“I haven’t heard anything from the doctors about Jimin since we got off the phone, but I don’t think he’s too badly hurt. He bled a decent amount, but according to the guy in the ambulance that’s normal when you damage the blood vessels on your head. He didn’t answer my questions about how bad the injury was, but I think that’s just because ambulance workers usually try to avoid making pretenses.”

“And what were you doing with my son for him to fall over and crack his head open?” Mrs. Park had always been dubious of Jae, concerned if he would be a dangerous person to be around her daughter. She reminded him a bit of his own mother, the major difference being that Mrs. Park seemed happier when not worrying about her childrens’ wellbeing, while his mother never stopped worrying. It was ironic that their mothers hated each other, they had a lot in common.

“I promise you we weren’t doing anything dangerous. I was visiting him in his apartment to talk about some things, and he ended up passing out and hitting his head on a table. Hard.”

“That’s weird. Jimin has health issues from his addiction, but he’s never just passed out, at least he never has in front of me. Is he going through withdrawal?” There was a bit of hope in Sophie’s face, as if she was hoping Jimin had tried to go cold turkey.

Jae hated to break the bad news. “I doubt he was going through withdrawal, he seemed physically fine earlier, I think… we… well, look, we talked about things before he passed out and it seemed to- it seemed to be a lot for him.” Jae was suddenly aware of the fact that he was being examined by three members of the same family. One gave a look of scorn, one of bewilderment, one of familiarity, all three of concern.

The nurse coming to check in on Jae must have been startled to see three new people surrounding him, but it didn’t take long for her to realize that they were just Jimin’s family members. “Hello, I believe you are all here with the patient’s boyfriend?”

Fuck. Jae was really regretting saying that now.

The nurse panicked when she saw the baffled looks from Jimin’s family to Jae, with Sophie looking the most conflicted out of all of them. “Boyfriend? Jae, did you two…”

“Sophie, it’s not like that. I had to tell them I was his boyfriend to let me into the ambulance with Jimin.”

Sophie clearly wasn’t convinced with the way she pursed her lips in scrutiny, but now wasn’t the time to interrogate Jae further.

Even without the debacle between Jae and Jimin’s family, the nurse seemed aloof, glancing around the waiting room in an apparent attempt to find someone.

“If you are Jimin’s family, then do you know if he came out this way?”

All four visitors turned to look at the nurse, worried about what they just heard. Not even the nurse knew where Jimin went? Not only was that very unprofessional, but it could be dangerous for Jimin.

“Miss, shouldn’t the hospital staff know where all of their patients are at all times?” Mr. Park’s voice was gentle yet firm, and the nurse blushed out of embarrassment at the hospital’s transgression.

“I was with the doctor and another nurse in the room where we took Jimin after we finished the stitches and bandaging on his head wound. We’re not sure how he could have made it out with his back turned, but our primary guess is that he left out the window. We noticed some irregularities with his vitals when he arrived, is it possible he is currently under the influence of any substances?”

Jae couldn’t even hear if any of Jimin’s family members responded to her question. His heart had sunk so abruptly it felt like it was in his intestines, pumping ice through his veins into his mind.

Jimin had left him, just as he feared. Just as his mother thought he would. The man who Jae finally found connection with, finally felt love for, had left him. He was alone.

Not even registering what was happening outside his own body, Jae excused himself to use the restroom. He didn’t hear if anyone acknowledged his absence, and he couldn’t feel his own feet stepping upon the ground. There was so much going on inside of his own brain, inside of his veins, inside of his womb, inside of his life, but he couldn’t feel a thing. He needed to get it out of him, he needed to put his suffering into the tangible world.

He needed to feel real.

Jae entered the men’s restrooms as soon as another man left. Good, he seemed to be alone, he didn’t want anyone to witness him suffering. Turning to face the mirror covering the length of the wall behind the sinks, Jae was able to see a scared young man meeting his gaze perfectly. The man in the mirror matched his movements as he approached, with his unkempt bangs just barely covering the tops of his eyes.

The man in the mirror had eyes so full of despair, as if he had just witnessed an empire collapse before him and return to ashes at his feet, acting as a mocking reminder of what once existed, what he once had. Ashes that smelled so bitter, but if he could give them some physical form, they would taste so sweet.

He looked so disgusting, raven hair stuck out in all directions and brown eyes bloodshot from the temptation to cry. Was he crying? He didn’t know, he couldn’t make any sense of what his world had become. As a child, he had often had small existential crises at the realization that in an infinite universe where nothing meant anything, he had come into existence. Maybe he had only imagined it all? Was the universe around him all an illusion created by his ailing brain, made just to torment him?

Maybe it was that man in the mirror who was doing this all, causing him to ruin his life, lose everyone he loved, and destroy his own body. The bastard seemed to confirm this by beginning to contort, his sullen figure becoming perverted by his own despair.

With acid in his throat and fire in his ears, Jae punched the man. Hard.

The man in the mirror seemed to almost shatter, the segments of his form splitting apart, but he still remained. This pissed Jae off. He punched again even harder, feeling even more physical pain from how hard he was fighting.

Was the man fighting back? It felt like Jae was being stabbed in retaliation for what was happening. Whatever, Jae guessed that he would just have to kill the fucker before he could take him down.

Jae continued slamming his right fist into the distorted man, feeling more and more agony shooting up through his arm. He crouched up onto the sink to try and headbutt the man, but he screamed as he was suddenly dragged backwards by an unrelenting force.

He was now thrown on the floor, losing the air that had been in his lungs seconds prior. He began to thrash uncontrollably, needing to get free to kill the demon that had done this all to him. Jae couldn’t even hear himself screaming, but he could feel his voice ripping at his throat. But even as Jae began to fight off one set of arms, another came to pin him down. And another. And another. By the end of it, Jae guessed that there must have been five figures holding him down. Their voices rang out around him, taunting him, pushing him deeper and deeper into the earth. He was going to die. He and his baby were both going to die.

“Jae! Please stop!”

The sound of Sophie’s sweet voice began to pull him back from the depths of his mind. What was she doing here? He could barely make out his own hoarse voice calling for her name, but he was eventually able to make out more words as he stopped fighting.

“...Okay, he’s calmed down a bit, we might not need to sedate him. He’s hurt, though, once he comes to we’ll have to clean him up and give him stitches, probably.”

“Wha- what?” Jae coughed, the force causing a massive migraine to rip through his skull. “Oh, oh fuck, where am I? What happened?”

Once his vision began to clear up again with the world no longer cloaked in shadow, Jae realized what he was looking out. The entire Park family minus Jimin and two nurses, including the one from before, were circled around him, their hands holding him down.

Sophie was crying, and Mr. Park didn’t look too far behind. “Jae, are you alright? I’m sorry I threw you on your back so hard, I just didn’t want you giving yourself a concussion.”

“A- a concussion? I’m confused, please back off a bit.” Jae moved his arm to try and shove the others off of him, but he gasped at the sharp pain radiating off of it. Moving his hand to his face, he could see that it was covered in large lacerations that went up to his wrist. What the hell just happened?

Turning his head to look past a nurse, Jae got his answer. The mirror in front of him was completely shattered and soaked in his blood, the red droplets dripping down near the sink.

Things began to click into place for what just happened.

Not only was his entire right arm in complete agony, but his back also ached from being slammed down so hard. In fact, everything sort of hurt from the fight that just occurred. As Jae was helped to his feet by the two nurses, one thought began to weasel its way into the forefront of Jae’s conscious.

One of the nurses went to call for backup while the other nurse, an older man, began checking Jae’s body for any other injuries. “You didn’t get hurt anywhere else, right? Once we get some more assistance, we’ll have a doctor clean these wounds and put stitches in them.”

Jae shook his head, but the distress in his expression only worsened. “I’m not too worried about myself, I think it’s only the arm you have to worry about, but I’m worried about my baby. Can you check up on them?”

The entire atmosphere of the room shifted as Jae said this. The look in the nurse’s eyes gradually became grim as he realized the gravity of Jae’s condition. Sophie’s head shot from looking at her mom to staring right at Jae, mouth agape in disbelief at what she just heard. Mrs. Park herself seemed to do a double take, before slowly piecing together all the information from today in her head. Mr. Park took the longest to comprehend what Jae just said, having begun to space out what the others were saying, but once he saw the expressions on the two women’s faces, he looked horrified at what he may have caused against Jae.

Once more hospital staff arrived to escort Jae to a room, he held his good hand over his abdomen the entire time, terrified about what may happen in the examination room.

—————————————————————

Hand now completely wrapped in bandages, Jae laid on top of the examination table, paper underneath him crinkling as he shifted in discomfort. He felt sort of nauseous again, but he knew it wasn’t from morning sickness this time. Subconsciously, he continued holding his belly while waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor that did arrive was an odd man who seemed withdrawn from his surroundings, only really focused on getting the examination done as quickly as possible while avoiding any conversation. Jae didn’t mind this, he just wanted to make sure that the baby wasn’t hurt by the incident in the bathroom.

This wasn’t a full pregnancy checkup, it was just a quick checkup to make sure Jae’s baby was okay. The nurses had tried to reassure him, seeing how scared he was, but that wasn’t enough to put Jae’s concerns to rest. None of the Parks were in the room with him, but he imagined that they would be paying him a visit as soon as this was finished.

Jae preemptively pulled his T-shirt up to allow access to his stomach, heartbeat now becoming more rapid at the thought of what could have happened to his baby. The first week he knew that he was pregnant, his mother told him that babies were stronger than people gave credit, but Jae knew that his was currently so tiny. Even if the stress from the episode didn’t do anything, he didn’t know how it would fare from him being slammed into the ground onto his back and held down.

The application of the gel to his stomach was even more unpleasant this time, as this doctor spurted it out onto him rapidly. Shuddering, Jae tried to even out his breathing as the doctor pressed the wand to his skin, heart skipping a beat as the image appeared on the ultrasound monitor.

Luckily for Jae, it didn’t take the doctor too long to find the baby on the ultrasound. As the tiny shape came onto the screen, Jae could make out all the shapes they went over the other day. Narrowing in on the fetus’s chest, he tried to search for its heartbeat.

When he saw the baby’s heart beating, Jae was so relieved that he wanted to cry. It was still alive. But he knew that there could still be something wrong with it, so he waited until the doctor finished his examination to be certain. Jae’s eyes never left the dark monitor until the doctor hummed and nodded.

“Baby looks great. No damage to the placenta or anything. You’re a bit shaken now, but once you calm down a bit you both should be fine.”

Jae gave a sad grin to the doctor and opened his mouth to thank him, but no words could come out. The doctor just watched as Jae stared at him for a few seconds before he broke, face contorting as he began to sob. He had never been so relieved in his entire life. He didn’t even know that he cared about the baby enough yet to be so relieved. Jae laid back and covered his eyes with his left hand as he weeped, not saying anything for a few minutes.

As Jae calmed down enough to speak, the doctor passed him a few tissues from a box in the cabinet. “Thank you, I’m sorry, I’m just so relieved that it’s okay.”

The doctor nodded, placing his hand on Jae’s shoulder. “I think you have some visitors who want to talk to you about what happened today. It is not my place to interfere with this, but I believe these visitors will give you the support you need.”

“Okay, you can let them in. I think it’s for the best that we talk this through.”

—————————————————————

Mr. Park must have apologized to Jae over fifty times for what happened in the bathroom.

Actually, Mr. Park wasn’t the best name for the man anymore. Once Jimin’s family had come into the room, he had learned the names of Jimin and Sophie’s parents; Thomas and Karin Park. Once the ice on Jae’s pregnancy had been broken, the two had an entirely different demeanor.

Karin, who he had always assumed to be a tense, unpleasant woman, was actually very empathetic to Jae’s plight. When the family came into the room, she began asking Jae questions about his well-being; if he was having morning sickness or food aversions, how well he was eating, if he had stopped smoking, and if he was avoiding alcohol. She had not yet mentioned the issues of self-harm, which was a short-term relief for Jae.

“When people call it ‘morning sickness’, that implies that it only happens in the morning, but for me it feels like I’m constantly sick. All I can stand to eat most of the time is just citrus fruit and crackers, maybe bread or broth if I’m feeling up to it. Some vegetables are fine, too.”

There was almost a hint of amusement in Karin’s expression as she recognized what Jae was going through. “The nausea really sucks, but it should go away soon. Didn’t you say you were eight weeks along? The nausea will probably go away when you start your second trimester, which is in six weeks. Until then, try to keep a varied diet and listen to what your doctor tells you not to eat.” Karin then smiled for the first time that Jae had ever seen. “My pregnancy with Sophie was easier than with Jimin, it can be difficult for your first time.”

“Well, isn’t it like Jimin to be a pain like that?” Sophie quipped, trying to ease the situation. The mention of Jimin’s name made Jae a bit nervous, as he did need to tell them that it was their son’s kid he was pregnant with.

“So do you know what you’ll be doing after this, Jae? After what happened earlier, I think it is clear that you need extra support.” Thomas hadn’t been talking much aside from apologizing for slamming Jae on the floor, so it was unexpected whenever he did speak.

Jae eased up just a bit, feeling safe with these people. He previously knew that Sophie’s dad was a pleasant enough guy, but now that he was really talking to her parents he realized how kind they truly were. He felt guilty for not giving them more of a chance, especially Karin.

“I know where I am going next. My OBGYN told me about a hospital in Markland that has a parent and baby unit, so I’ll go there until I feel well enough to leave. I’m going to take a break from my studies until after the baby is born so I can focus on the pregnancy, and I might try looking for an apartment on my own and a way to make money. I still need to get a degree, but having extra money in the meantime wouldn’t hurt. I’m not exactly sure what I’ll be doing with the baby once it is born, but I know that the government has plenty of programs in place to help new parents.”

Thomas smiled as he wrapped his arm around Jae’s shoulders to hug him. Jae wasn’t sure he liked being hugged by him, but it didn’t feel bad per se.

“Yeah, the programs helped us a lot, especially back when we had Jimin. The government will pay you a bit every week for having a kid, and you don’t have to worry about tuition or medical bills or anything like that, they’ll take care of it for you. Besides, even if you didn’t have the government to help you, you’d have us. After all, the kid is our family, too.”

Jae turned his head to thank the man and decline his offer, wanting to state that it wasn’t their responsibility to take care of his kid, before gasping in shock.

“Wait, you already know that the kid is Jimin’s?”

Seeing Jae’s flustered reaction, Thomas realized that he may have said too much. Pulling back, he looked to his wife for help. “Hon, were we not supposed to tell him that we knew?”

Karin lightly shook her head while Sophie covered her face. “Probably not, but it’s not like it would have been difficult to figure out from what we know. Like, seriously, just as our son runs off from a hospital after passing out, we find out that the friend he has been hanging out with is pregnant? Yeah, we don’t find that a likely coincidence.”

Jae curled up a bit on the table, looking down at his stomach. “I guess there’s no point in hiding it anymore. I really appreciate the offer for your help.”

The Parks approached in all directions to try and comfort Jae. He appreciated the affection and care they were giving him, but at the same time it was overwhelming.

“Jae, we understand that you want to independently support your child, but doing that is difficult for anyone, especially someone as young as you.” Karin gently gathered Jae’s good hand in hers. “This is our grandchild, we’re going to help in any way we can to make sure you’re both well and healthy. And if it makes you feel better…” she looked over her shoulder before speaking “...I’ll go find Jimin and talk some sense into him for you.”

It didn’t matter how sweetly she was talking, Jae knew that “talking some sense” was a euphemism for something really bad. He winced a bit at her words, and she realized that she wasn’t helping the situation. Sighing, she began to rub at the back of Jae’s hand. “Look, I can’t guarantee what will happen in the future, but I promise you that we will do anything we can to support you. I even think that Jimin will come around, eventually.”

Jae wished she didn’t say that, he didn’t want her to give him false hope for something that wouldn’t happen. He wanted Jimin back, he wanted it so badly, but he doubted that he would ever see the man again. Even if Jimin did return, Jae didn’t know if he could ever forgive him or trust him again. Despite this, he smiled as much as his facial muscles would allow. “Thank you all for your support. I think I need to get ready to go to the hospital in Markland, my mom is currently working at a different hospital right now, but I’ll give her a call to let her know what’s happening.”

As the group of four left the emergency room, Jae still felt atrocious from the day’s events. However, he felt just a bit more hopeful than he had at the beginning of the day.

“I have to stop taking these pills.”

Those were the words Jimin whispered to himself, his voice hushed, as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Ever since Jimmy had dropped him off at Markland Hospital, his stomach had already begun to churn from the lack of opioids in his blood. His green turtleneck was rubbing against his sensitive skin, and he could see a bloodstain on his scalp from where he had ripped the bandages off. The gauze was just so damn aggravating, he wouldn’t have been able to take another second of it trapping cold sweat to his damp hair.

He wished he had the ultrasound photos on him, but he assumed that he dropped them somewhere in his apartment when he passed out. Being able to actually see their kid would make it easier to motivate himself, but he had to make do with his own willpower.

But willpower alone wasn’t enough. As he stared at his reflection in the mirror, he watched the grim determination on his face waver. He was starving for the painkillers, so hungry for the euphoria they gave him.

“I can’t stop taking these pills.”

He had to do it one more time, if he didn’t he would die. The emergency room hadn’t taken the time to search his person for any drugs, they were too preoccupied with his head wound. He had to take the entire thing, then he would go into rehab. Just this last time, then never again.

“Damn it!”

The painkiller he brought with him was a particularly strong one, not meant to be taken in high doses. However, at some point in his life Jimin’s body just didn’t bide by the natural rules of what the human body could endure. He downed the entire bottle, forcing the mass of pills against his dry throat. Coughing once he finished swallowing them, he decided he needed a drink of water. Logic would denote that he should drink from the sink, but Jimin wasn’t operating on logic. He decided to drink from the toilet instead.

As soon as he walked through the stall door, Jimin could feel himself fall unconscious again. He was only able to barely swerve out of the way to avoid getting another concussion on the toilet seat. That would be an embarrassing way to die.

—————————————————————

In the proceeding nightmare, Jimin had the same visions he had most nights. He was trapped inside a dark void that had formed its own corners and walls, crawling with convulsing visions of white trees and eyeballs. Some of the halls we walked past appeared to be barred off, hiding something within them, but no matter how he looked it all looked two-dimensional and artificial. He could hear things within them, though, moaning from between the white bars.

Traversing through the halls of his nightmare, he saw visions of mangled corpses with dark hair and pale skin, twitching in the thin light penetrating through the membranes of his soul. They would only appear for but a second, mocking him with their intangibility.

Stumbling through the hallways, he eventually made his way to what appeared to be a shallow pool. Crawling into the water to try and find an escape from the purgatory he found himself in, Jimin tried to scream as he was pulled deeper into the abyss.

Being spat back out into a world with no discernible shape, Jimin saw the same colored dots he saw in many of his dreams. He had been through this same scenario multiple times before, he knew the path that his brain would take him every time. Just follow the red, and he would be fine.

The visions of flesh did not leave him as he traversed the narrow ledges marked by crimson, occasionally having to leap across gaps illuminated by the scarlet light. Other paths existed, and there were voices trying to talk him into straying from the familiar path, but knew better than to risk it.

Just as the road of red ended, Jimin was brought back to the hospital he had passed out in. Only, something was wrong. Horribly wrong. The rooms were contorted in unnatural configurations, as if the hospital itself was a battered corpse. He had to crawl through the twisting rooms to allow himself through one last black void to try and escape this nightmare.

As he followed the red path to its end, Jimin could feel himself be pulled away from this world he had created, a surefire sign that he would be waking up soon. Good, he had things he needed to do and he didn’t want to waste time on this nightmare.

—————————————————————

When Jimin came to, he was still laying down in the stall he had passed out in. Unlike the other times he had woken up in this situation, there was no taste of bile on his tongue. In fact, as he traced his wounded scalp with his hand, he couldn’t feel any pain or stitches in the skin. He assumed this to be the work of the opioids, being too strong to allow him to sense the injury.

The room had darkened significantly since he fell unconscious, and he was startled by the lack of his own reflection. Upon taking a closer look, he realized that the entire mirror had been shattered, revealing the wooden planks behind them. Painted upon those wooden planks was the same eye symbol he had just seen in his nightmare. Below the eye was now not one, but two pill bottles.

Something had gone horribly wrong, this entire ordeal kept getting worse and worse.

He needed to get help from someone. There had to be some hospital staff who could tell him what was going on. Rushing into the reception room, the entire hospital was dimmed a few shades lighter than it had been before, with not another soul to be found. It felt like some sort of fever dream Jimin would have as a kid, the familiar locations around him shifting into a liminal prison.

With no one to turn to for help, Jimin began to comb through the hallway past the reception desk, searching for some sign of what could have happened. He was vaguely aware of the wind blowing against the building, whistling as it entered an open window somewhere.

Not being able to find anyone, Jimin decided to leave. After all, it’s not like he had anything to gain here tonight. He would probably have to find a motel somewhere and come back the next day.

But as he went to open the doors that led to the exit of the reception room, his heart sank as they refused to budge. No matter how hard he pushed or pulled against the handles, they remained firmly closed.

Shit, he was locked in. Looking into the windows next to the bathrooms, he didn’t like his chances of trying to exit through there. Jimin did not want to stay the night in a hospital waiting room, so he had to search further for a way out.

He remembered a boarded up door he had seen past the reception desk. Would there be any key to the exit in there? Maybe, but he had to get the wooden planks off the door first. Walking up to it, he pried his fingers underneath the boards, but they were stuck on there more firmly than they looked.

Looking back over his shoulder, Jimin spotted a slightly cracked open door to one of the patient’s rooms. His risk assessment sense wasn’t exactly working at the moment, so he entered to see if there was anything for him in the room.

Nothing was there, excluding a few empty beds surrounding a giant bloodstain on the floor. His stomach churned at the sight of bloody handprints on the wall, coming to the realization that blood was now being spilled. Who, or what, the fuck did this? If he wasn’t careful, then he could end up being next.

Seeing that the only source of light was coming from the restroom, Jimin entered it… to find more blood. In the center of this puddle was a single knife. It looked like someone had either been trying to hurt themself or another person in the bathroom, only to be stopped by hospital staff.

Picking up the knife, it felt sturdy enough to be able to remove the planks on the door. He turned to leave the hospital room, knife clenched firmly in his hands, preparing himself to- holy shit, there was a fucking person there.

Well, at least there appeared to be a person for a second. The silhouette of another human vanished as soon as Jimin noticed it, just standing there with no expression in its posture. Shaking his head while shutting his eyes, Jimin groaned. Maybe the head wound was worse than the doctors had said, he had to get the hell out of here.

Bringing the knife with him to the door, it only took a few strikes with it to destroy the planks. As he entered, he realized he was in some sort of storage area for the hospital, which was decorated with brutalist concrete walls. Most of the closets in this area were either locked or held nothing of interest to Jimin, one room full of nothing but hazard signs.

It was only the door near the end of the hallway that held anything actually useful. There were keys to open more of the hospital rooms, which was good, but what was alarming was what he found next to them; a magazine for a pistol. What the hell had happened for there to be pistol ammo here? Had it been taken from an unruly patient? If so, why wouldn’t it have been handed over to the police?

Considering all that he had seen tonight, Jimin decided to take the magazine with him for safekeeping. Just in case. He didn’t bring a pistol with him to a hospital, of course, but he assumed that if there was ammo here, the gun it went with wouldn’t be too far off.

With the keys to leave the reception room in his pockets, Jimin left the storage closets. Approaching the double doors, he began white knuckling the knife at what he saw: red footsteps out of the disability access restroom. Yeah right, fuck this, Jimin just went straight for the exit to get the hell out of there.

The hospital stairwell was pleasantly well-lit compared to the previous area he had been in, so Jimin was in higher spirits as he went down the stairwell to where he could leave the hospital. After rounding the stairs a few times on his way down, he yelled out in pain and frustration as he ran into a pile of junk blocking the rest of the way. To rub salt in the wound, the words “YOU ARE TRAPPED” were written in blood. Someone had done this. Someone else was here. At least, something sentient.

Seeing no way out, Jimin tried going back upstairs to look for more places to escape from. Maybe there was a fire escape somewhere? There was a set of doors upstairs that he believed could lead to a fire escape of some sort.

Going back upstairs, Jimin was relieved to find that the doors were unlocked. They led to the middle of a hallway; on the left was a small kitchen while the right path took Jimin right past a cadaver hidden under white sheets on a gurney. He held his breath as he passed, not wanting to smell the stench possibly emanating from it. As he reached the end of the hall, he felt a bit light-headed, not too unlike the feeling he got right after shooting up or taking pills.

He tore open the cardboard boxes blocking the door, which just ended up being locked like all the other doors in this place. At least one of the boxes had a battery in it, so that was something. Jimin didn’t know how much use a battery was to him right now, but- where did the body go. The stone in Jimin’s stomach turned into a block of ice as he saw the gurney now empty, the sheets once covering it now abandoned haphazardly on the ground.

Blade now locked into his grip in a position ready to kill, Jimin crept back through the hallway. He continued his search throughout the hospital that he could access, seeing which doors were unlocked. In one patient room he entered, he was able to find a flashlight. Perfect, with a majority of the lights being either dimmed or completely off, this would come in handy. Even the AA battery he had found was a perfect match for the flashlight. Things weren’t looking better per se, but even the small miracles helped in Jimin’s life.

In the room adjacent to where Jimin had discovered the flashlight, he saw where he had heard the wind blowing in from. Stepping up onto the bed for a better view out the open window, he wasn’t comforted by the hastily made wooden catwalks surrounding the side of the building. But between the fall from the catwalks and facing whatever was in the hospital, a fall to his death seemed more merciful. Jimin gripped the blade even harder at the realization that Jae’s pregnancy was no longer the greatest of his issues.

Ever so gently lifting his leg over the window to leave the building, Jimin’s lightheadedness immediately worsened as he mistakenly looked down to see how high up he was. His vision blurred momentarily at the sight of the tiny streets appearing so far below him, and he had to turn his head away to avoid puking or passing out again. Taking a moment to collect his breath, Jimin held onto the edge of the windowsill as he placed both of his shaking legs on the ledge.

Slowly creeping up the wooden ramp upwards, Jimin could see through the windows the room he had started out in. Trying his best to avoid looking downwards, Jimin focuses on the glowing horizon of Stockholm. This worked for a bit… before he screamed at the sensation of the wooden plank he was standing on shattering underneath his weight, falling down to the catwalk beneath him. His vision had gone dark, convincing him that he had died, but the heartbeat pounding in this throat brought him back to reality. By some miracle, the wooden boards he had fallen onto hadn’t broken from the force of him falling onto them, but Jimin knew that he had to be even more careful.

Now getting more used to the movements of traversing the catwalk, Jimin continued to crawl upwards, only getting up for the terrifying moments he had to actually jump across a gap in the boards. He eventually found a ladder that allowed him to climb over the fence to the top of the building, falling to its surface with less grace than he would have liked. Dusting himself off, Jimin went to work searching for something he could use to escape. There was a door that seemed promising, but its lock was jammed. Moving upwards, the only other thing of note that Jimin found was what appeared to be a map of the hospital, drawn in blood.

Feeling hopeless at the lack of progress, Jimin approached the edge of the roof to return to the wooden catwalk when he found a platform he hadn’t noticed before. It was much higher up than the rest of the catwalk, making him think it would give him access to the highest level of the hospital. Heart in his throat as he dropped down, he couldn’t help but think that he would run out of good luck soon when the platform once again supported his weight. Looking through the nearby window into the nearly pitch-black room awaiting him, Jimin shattered the glass with his blade and crawled in, thankful to no longer be on that rickety catwalk.

Pulling out the flashlight with sweat-soaked fingers, Jimin fumbled with the device for a few seconds before clicking it on, illuminating the room. The table in the center of it had been halfway collapsed, with the door to his left having been shoved past its upper hinges. The door in front of him had been ripped off in its entirety, revealing a reception desk similar to the one in the floor below. There was a set of keys for reception H, which Jimin took as he went through the one open door available to him.

Passing through a miniature library full of books on medical literature, Jimin opened one more unlocked door to find even more anomalies. Namely, a massive web of frayed wires sourced from the ceiling, a bloody handprint on the wall, and the most baffling of all to Jimin: Neutral Milk Hotel. For the first time in this ordeal, Jimin felt a bit of amusement at what he was seeing. What kind of fucking hospital put a Neutral Milk Hotel album up as decoration? That seemed counterintuitive to a healthy mental environment, Jimin thought.

Besides, he preferred On Avery Island to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.

The album cover fiasco had nearly distracted Jimin from his goal of not dying. Finally noticing the note on the floor, Jimin could discern from the smudged writing that it was a request to turn off the electricity in the breaker room. He doubted that whoever wrote the note was still around, but he decided to do it anyway using the key he had found. On his way he ducked into a few empty rooms to search for supplies, finding more magazines, batteries, and, most alarmingly, pills. As disgusted as he felt with himself, Jimin couldn’t stop himself from shoving the pills into his pockets. It wasn’t that big of a deal, rehab technically hadn’t started yet.

Entering the stairwell from the reception room, Jimin was greeted with a massive red X on the doors leading to the elevators. Whatever, they didn’t seem to be working anyway. Instead, he broke down the boards blocking off the way to the upper floor of the building from the inside and went forward in search of the breaker room.

Jimin’s hypothesis on the magazine was proven correct, as he discovered a pistol just behind a box in a room between two doors. Taking the cold steel into his hands, it felt strange holding it. Jimin was no stranger to using firearms, having gone hunting with his uncle several times as a teenager and keeping a pistol in his apartment for self-defense, but he wasn’t supposed to be using one in a hospital setting.

Shoving it into his sweats for storage, Jimin shoved through the double doors into the hospital’s cafe, which was covered in the most hideous wallpapers he had ever seen. Looking past the tables and piano located in the room, Jimin saw a door that said “personnel only.” Perfect, this had to be the breaker room. Miraculously, all doors he had to pass through to the breaker room were unlocked, aside from one closet that was jammed. The concrete surrounding him on all sides made this seem even more like a prison, but if he was lucky he would be able to escape soon.

Jimin probably should have made the connection that shutting off the hospital’s power would, in fact, shut off all the lights by proxy. However, that didn’t stop him from mouthing the words “oh shit” as he was plunged into complete darkness, not all too different from the abyss he had witnessed in his nightmare earlier. At least he had a flashlight!

Leaving the breaker room with the flashlight leading his way, Jimin knew he had to be more careful. Ever since the dawn of man, the darkness had been their enemy. They had shied away from the chaos of the night for millennia until one day a monkey picked up a rock and chucked it at another rock, causing a fire to emerge. Well, that’s how Jimin understood the story, he wasn’t exactly an anthropologist-

He was being attacked. Something was in this hospital with him. The bodies from his nightmares had bridged the gap between his mind and the real world, and they were running after him from the darkness, twitching in madness as they came to kill him.

This is what happened to everyone else, this is how everyone in the hospital disappeared. As Jimin pulled out his knife, too panicked to fumble with the pistol in his sweats, he tried to assume the same defense position he had been taught years ago by his uncle. But as he struck the twitching monster with his knife, he did so at an awkward angle, harming his wrist. He heard the jammed door shatter as another twitcher joined in attacking him, causing him to face a horde of three monsters. As he stabbed, he could feel them rip and tear at his arms and body with their nails and teeth.

Feeling overwhelmed, he pulled out the pistol as a last resort and pulled the trigger to start blasting at the twitchers, shooting the front one dead in just a few shots. Knowing that each magazine only had fifteen rounds, he had to ration these bullets. Getting a bit more breathing space with one twitcher dead, he used a combination of stabbing and a few gunshots to finish off the other two. By the end of the fight, he had a magazine and a half left.

But as he crouched in the darkness, struggling to catch his breath, his thoughts weren’t on how many bullets he had left to shoot. Neither were they on the wounds he had received from the attack, or the sounds of twitchers moving ahead, or the charge remaining on his flashlight.

His thoughts were on his family.

From what Jimin could discern from the situation, some sort of apocalypse had broken out while he was asleep. Did that mean that if he was wounded, then he would turn into a twitcher, too? Jimin thought it over, but eventually came to the conclusion that it was unlikely that what was going on was a literal zombie apocalypse. He didn’t know if some sort of prion disease had caused a mass infection in the hospital, but no matter what had happened, all that mattered was that monsters had taken over.

If the monsters spread throughout Stockholm, then they would eventually make their way to his parents’ house. The thought made his stomach churn in horror as he realized what could end up happening. His mother was strong-willed, but she didn’t have much physical strength compared to others. His father was a large and powerful man, but he was emotionally soft, too soft to handle what was happening. Poor Sophie had survival training from the holidays with their uncle, but she didn’t have it in her to kill. She was so small, so innocent.

And then there was Jae.

Not only did Jae have to overcome the heartbreak of being abandoned by Jimin, but there was now the possibility of him being pursued by a horde of bloodthirsty twitchers. Jae was strong, much stronger than others gave him credit for, but with how much difficulty Jimin had in the fight he just endured, he didn’t imagine that it would be much easier for Jae.

Especially considering the pregnancy. Jimin wasn’t an expert on pregnancy, but he couldn’t imagine that it would make fending off monsters any easier. And even excluding that fact, Jae was pregnant with Jimin’s child. If the twitchers reached Jae, then both him and their baby would be in danger. Remembering the ultrasound scans he had seen, he knew that was his own kid, his own little brat.

A sudden, odd paternal instinct possessed Jimin at this moment. It was similar to the same desire he had to protect Sophie ever since his parents first told him he would be having a little sister. Steeling himself for what he had to do, Jimin got up. He had to see this through to its end, he had to get to his family. He had to protect his loved ones, protect his unborn child.

Embarking on his mission, Jimin walked back up the stairs so he could get back to reception H, fighting the occasional twitcher that approached him. As terrified as he was, he felt a new sense of determination flaring up in his blood. No longer did his body begin to freeze as he was cornered, he was able to fight back with all of his strength, slicing the twitchers open and blowing their brains out if he needed to.

But he was still human, and no amount of resolve could make up for the wounds he was sustaining. The pain eating away at his energy, the cravings for more painkillers intensified. The cravings were so fierce that he doubted he would be able to go on without them.

Fuck it, he knew that he already said that he had taken them for the last time, but getting to his family was the priority now. Fishing out another bottle of pills he had found in the hospital, he downed it in the same manner he had the previous one: completely dry without a drop of water. The pills rejuvenated his tired body, making him feel like he could move a mountain if he needed to.

Once he arrived back at reception H, the way to the frayed wires was conveniently opened up by a twitcher busting its way out of the door. Jimin didn't want to use more bullets than necessary, but he could only fight so well with a knife, the twitchers often attacked him faster than he was able to dodge.

He was able to duck under the once electrified wires to arrive at a relatively well-ltt conference room, a button lying on the table in the middle of it. Jimin didn’t understand how it could control anything, with it being mounted in the middle of a wooden table, but pressing it caused him to hear the shifting of a door opening downstairs.

He remembered seeing an electronic door in the general location where he heard the door open within the supply closet. Unfortunately, it seemed like the only way Jimin had back down there was the rickety catwalk. This time he was able to make his way down more efficiently, now used to how to traverse the sloping planks.

Back on the level he had started on, Jimin decided to just run past the army of twitchers he encountered. It’s not like he had anything to gain by killing them, aside from security that they were gone. Besides, he had to get out of this hospital as soon as possible.

He continued to comb through the hospital in his search for an escape. In the storage closet, he had to climb down the ladder to narrowly jump to a platform just below the main floor. There, he discovered the horrifying sight of a long row of padded cells. Wondering if he would be placed in them if he had misbehaved during rehab, Jimin tried to ignore their presence.

The buttons Jimin discovered throughout the hospital allowed him to explore more of its plexus. After gaining access to the broken elevators and using them to collapse to the ground floor, Jimin found the button that clicked open the exit door he had been looking at. Thank fuck, now he could get out of here!

But things were not as easy as they initially seemed. After fishing out another bottle of pills from a nearby trash can (he wished he could say that was the first time he did that), Jimin walked into the foyer of the hospital only to be overcome with a searing sensation across his chest. The most grotesque twitcher he had seen yet spit some disgusting… substance across Jimin’s chest.

He shouted in agony as he shot mindlessly at the creature, feeling the sticky liquid bind to his chest. Just as the monster died, it shot one last bit of fluid at his arm, which scorched his tender skin. As the monster collapsed to the floor, Jimin took a moment to examine the cooling fluid on his body. It was slightly translucent and it stretched between Jimin’s fingers, reminding him a bit of the ejaculate from Jae’s body.

A pang shooting through his heart at the thought of Jae, he got up to make his way to Kirkville, where he imagined Jae was right now. Pistol and knife shoved away in his sweatpants, Jimin was ready to do whatever he needed to protect his family.

—————————————————————

The rest of Markland hospital hadn’t been easy to traverse.

Collapsing elevator shafts, air vents infested with pouncing heads, hallways crammed full of helmeted twitchers, massive rotary blades nearly slicing his body in half. Jimin didn’t know how he wasn’t dead yet, maybe he had already died and this was his own personal hell. That outcome would be slightly preferable to Jimin, as he wouldn’t need to worry about a zombie outbreak killing the ones he loved in the land of the living.

It took one more fall to his near death to exit Markland Hospital in its entirety. Collapsing into a parking garage, Jimin stood up with reignited vigor… before cowering at the sight of a horde of demonic hellhounds B-lining their way towards him. They reminded him of this art piece he had seen from this Polish artist, Zdzisław Beksiński. He always thought that Belsiński had cool art, before he was being haunted by the hell incarnate of his drawings.

Whenever the dogs would attack him, they would send a massive shockwave throughout his body that momentarily felt like every bone in it had been shattered. He stumbled back while emptying even more rounds into the dogs, hearing a massive electric booming noise whenever one collapsed.

If he remembered correctly, then the parking garage he was in would connect to a mall. From the mall was a relatively short walk to his apartment. If he crossed the forest, he could probably make it across to the city, where he could take the train to Kirkville. He had a plan on what to do, he just had to execute it without dying.

—————————————————————

Getting his hands on a shotgun, he was able to more easily make his way through hordes of monsters. This was good, as the process of making it into the mall was more complex than Jimin remembered. He had to pass through a labyrinth of apartments, a tightly knit cage of pipes, waves of fire-spitting monsters, and a sewer system to do so.

As he made his way through the sewers, Jimin had already been severely wounded by a new monster he had discovered, one that appeared to be a mass of oil-soaked limbs stretching out in all directions, connected to a smiling mask. This monster was so strong that whenever it managed to strike Jimin, his vision would go red while his ears rang.

At one point in the sewers, he had replaced his knife with a hammer he had found. The hammer was a fair bit slower than the knife, but it was also significantly more powerful. He wanted to trade his pistol for a machine pistol he found, but he doubted that there would be enough ammo lying around for it to be worth it.

The flooded sections of the sewer were full of disgusting, tentacled monsters hanging from the ceiling, waiting to catch Jimin and drag him into their mouths from the holes they waited in. The way their dark tendrils drifted through the water reminded him of the Portuguese Man-O-War he had seen in books as a child, how their eerie limbs floated in the sea, waiting to poison whoever was unlucky enough to swim into their grasp. At one point, Jimin had to lean back and shoot his shotgun up at a monster who had ended up grabbing his feet.

After blowing up a hole in the sewer to escape, Jimin felt good about his chances of making it to Kirkville. With all he had gone through, he felt stronger, like he could take on anything. Maybe even rehab or fatherhood.

All of this emotional momentum vanished as soon as a gate appeared in front of the door he had been approaching. Goosebumps prickling up his skin as he felt something behind him, he turned to see that a gate had materialized behind him. Assuming that he was hallucinating, Jimin was proven correct as he turned back to the door, seeing that it was now clear to open, but it was also covered in bloody handwriting, messages demanding that Jimin succumb to a cursed fate.

With a decent amount of ammo still remaining and his body feeling strong, Jimin continued on his path to find his family.

—————————————————————

The ambush in the mall had nearly killed him.

Jimin limped through the streets, head pounding, blood pouring down his sleeve, every breath pressing against his aching ribcage. There were so many of them, so many that he thought for a fact that he would die. Maybe his guardian angel had returned, or maybe he had just fought like a literal animal.

Even downing his remaining bottle of painkillers didn’t do much to help him from feeling like a half-dead piece of roadkill. God, if his family saw him like this, they would lose their shit. Especially Sophie and Jae, they would be so worried. Well, maybe Jae wouldn’t be too concerned, he should probably consider Jimin dead meat by now.

Jimin did find more ammo once he went up the damaged escalator, a helpful refill after the battle he just endured. Outside of the exit from the mall, Jimin found a ladder to a fire escape to help him clear a wall. Having to do so on a normal day wouldn’t even break a sweat on him, but when Jimin already felt ready to drop dead from blood loss, having to climb all the way up a ladder took nearly all of his energy.

Exploring even more apartments littered throughout this part of the city, Jimin ingested more painkillers to help him recover his energy. It didn’t feel great to realize that in his quest to sever his connection to drugs, he had just ended up more reliant on them than he had been before. As the night went on, it felt more and more like he was doomed to be a horrible father.

Searching more of the surface, he realized none of the doors were able to be opened. Seeing the rusty sewer grate near him, Jimin resigned himself to having to enter a sewer once this night. It’s a good thing he already smelled like shit, so he didn’t need to worry about smelling more like it.

The sewer led to downtown Markland, full of the same monsters that had been tormenting him throughout the entire ordeal. Entering one apartment complex, he discovered a room that reminded him far too much of his own lifestyle. Table covered in booze, a bottle of pills on the side of the bathtub, a rotting jackass in the kitchen trying to kill him, it was all too close to comfort.

Jimin did remember the parking garage he passed by, though not for good reasons. When he was sixteen, he had convinced his rich friend, Markus, to break in and try to steal an SUV for drug money. They got caught, of course, and Jimin was never able to rekindle his friendship with Markus. It was also one of the points of no return for his relationship with his parents.

Pushing the unpleasant memories to the back of his mind, Jimin continued through the decrepit streets. Running past the monsters as often as he could, Jimin came across a giant, illuminated monument to something he couldn’t understand. Four steel pillars held up a giant metal ball in a way that didn’t seem sturdy.

Reading the gold plate on the front of the statue, it said “don’t let the devil torture the god. Kill the devil, and the god will show you the way.” Assuming that this was just some strange poetry written for the sake of artistic value, Jimin noticed how if the ball just fell down into the concrete, it would probably break it.

Testing his hypothesis for curiosity’s sake, Jimin took the hammer in his hand, slammed it down lightly, and jumped back in surprise as it shattered, causing the entire structure to creak in stress from the destruction of its limb. The statue collapsed into the pit below, the only thing preventing a fall to certain death being a rope hanging from the platform. Jimin wondered if this had been placed there earlier for construction, but he did not want to think about how old that rope was.

The catacombs underneath downtown Markland were even more of a shithole than his own apartment. Full of dumpsters and piles of trash, there were plenty of hiding places for the creatures of the darkness. Using a combination of melee attacks and pistol shots, Jimin reached a button hidden inside of a dumpster, which only made him more confused on how the electric systems in Markland worked.

Finding the door that had opened in the apartments above, Jimin approached the entrance to the building, only to immediately have a hand break out of the door and rip at his throat, shedding blood. Stepping back in shock, Jimin placed his gloved hand on the wound, making sure it wasn’t too severe. Confirming that he wasn’t going to die from a jugular injury, Jimin made a mental note not to trust doors from now on.

“Shit, is this what it feels like, Si?

—————————————————————

Jimin had to go through hell just to get to his own apartment.

Apparently, Markland had its own giant brick labyrinth, complete with twitchers that were practically fucking invisible. Jimin knew he had to be losing his mind by this point, and he was unsure if he would ever be the same person ever again. He had started out this journey to change, but not in the ways he saw himself doing it now.

Climbing up from another sewer system full of even more revolting tentacle monsters, Jimin found himself at an iron gate. Two dull lights, two doors on either side of him, and a bottle of pills ominously waiting in the center of the room. At this point, there was no more shame in taking them: he would die if he didn’t.

The door on the right led to what looked like some sort of Saw trap, with a corpse being tied to a railway by its hands on one end of the hall and a wall of spikes on the other end. No longer questioning the fucked up rules of Markland city, Jimin came to the conclusion that this was a test he had to complete to open the gate.

Walking towards the corpse, Jimin’s heart skipped a beat when he heard the gate behind him shut. He nearly leaped backwards, preparing for the corpse to come flying at him, but nothing happened. Slowly reaching the body, he nearly vomited when he noticed the resemblance to Jae. Had it not been his ability to confirm that the corpse was not Jae, he would have given up.

Seeing the button next to the body, Jimin steadied himself for what he had to do. Tapping on the button as quickly as he could, he sprinted down the hall, the blows to his feet traveling through his sore bones. Despite its dead appearance, the corpse was actually alive enough to let out a horrible scream as it chased him down the hall. Had he not noticed the tiny chamber hidden near the wall of spikes, he would have died, crushed between a rock and a hard place. Looking back at the corpse as it hit the spikes, he had to turn away as they penetrated its stomach, spilling its guts.

Having escaped and passed the test, Jimin only had to press a few buttons to open up the first layer of the gate, a red light illuminating its right side. Now, he just had to see what the left door had waiting for him. Bracing himself for what he would see as he approached the door, Jimin opened it, being greeted with-

Follow the red.

Wait, what the fuck?

Looking over his shoulder, then back in front of him, Jimin could see a clear line of separation from where the real world ended and his own nightmares began. Well, it’s not like this whole experience hadn’t been the worst nightmare he ever had, but it was so real.

More corpses appeared on this road to red, but this time they were physically there, taking their opportunities to rip at Jimin’s flesh in his own dreams. The surface beneath him felt so wobbly, so weak, and as he traversed a bit further, he could see why. The red lights became lighter, allowing him to see the thin beam he was precariously balancing on.

Jumping over a few gaps in the crimson path, Jimin found the room where the switch to the blue light laid behind a gurney. Unlike the pure void directly outside, this room had blood soaked wooden planks. Expecting something to rise from the gurney when he pressed the button, he kept his eyes right on the white sheets as he crouched down.

He was correct that something would attack, but he hadn’t expected it to be invisible. Wounds still sore from the previous ambush, Jimin groaned like a wounded animal every time the fierce entity dug into his skin. When he finally killed it with his shotgun, Jimin was feeling just as bad as he did right after the ambush. Crouching to regain his breath, he fished out the bottle of pills he had found in the gate room.

Swallowing them whole, he shut his eyes and hoped that everyone was safe in their homes, barricading themselves from the surrounding horrors. If they had been killed, then all of what he had been through would have been for nothing.

—————————————————————

Finally, he had made it back to his apartments. All Jimin had to do now was find a way into the woods, walk across the forest, and then find a train to Kirkville to find Jae. Once he made sure that Jae was safe, he could find the rest of his family

However, the walled construction of the complex made his task much more difficult, especially given the fact that most apartments were locked and one building had collapsed power lines on top of it, making it too dangerous to traverse.

Coming back to the apartments hurt more than he expected it to. Last time he was here, he was in such a drugged up stupor that he passed out when Jae needed him most. When Jae just wanted comfort in the scariest time of his life, Jimin fell out-cold and banged his head on a table.

And even after Jae made sure Jimin got to the emergency room and everything, he still abandoned him. It didn’t matter that he didn’t plan on leaving permanently, Jae wouldn’t have known that. And it’s not like Jae could just run away from it all if it got to be too much, the fetus was literally inside Jae’s own body.

Navigating through the apartments for a way to the woods, Jimin remembered a talk he had with Jae before the Easter incident, before he had ruined his life. When they were discussing their home lives, Jimin mentioned that he didn’t think his parents would ever be able to forgive him for what he had done. And why should he even try to ask for forgiveness? He would just fuck up and betray their trust once again.

But Jae had just glanced off at the river from the bench they were sitting at, watching how the waves distorted the lights of Stockholm city.

“I don’t know, Min. They brought you into this world, it would be weird for them to never forgive you. It’s their responsibility to make sure you grow up okay. You have messed up before, but they’ve probably messed up just as badly.”

Jimin thought back on this conversation just as he was removing a rope from the back of a car, using it to climb into the yard of the rich apartment residents. Jae didn’t get it back then, did he understand now that Jimin was irredeemable, that there was no way to help him? He couldn’t see Jae ever forgiving him for what happened.

But Jimin couldn’t help but think even deeper on Jae’s words. He had fucked up, but at this moment, he was trying harder than he ever had before to do something right for his family. He was crawling through sewers, climbing buildings, and killing waves upon waves of monsters to try and protect them. Maybe he was just trying to cope with his ineptitude, but Jimin felt like he understood himself more as a person from this experience.

Using the same rope as before to let himself into a hole in the basement, Jimin retrieved the key to the power station. All it took was one visit there to complete his current mission, turning off the power line. Escalating back up to the top floor of his building to escape, Jimin’s heart was in his throat at the thought of what was to come.

—————————————————————

Climbing down from the apartment into the forest, Jimin was glad he had taken so much care to save up the batteries for his flashlight. Markland Forest was nearly pitch black at night, with even the illumination of his light barely showing him anything.

Jimin had an idea of where he was at first, but that didn’t last. Barely a minute into traversing the woods and Jimin felt a sensation like being shot just as a police vehicle came into view. Muscles contracting like he was dying, Jimin could see the red dots that kept guiding him in his dreams. Having nowhere else to go, Jimin ran towards them and jumped into the void that had appeared in the ditch.

He must have blacked out from the fall, as he woke up with half of his rib cage aching and no idea of where he was. A few cabins had been made deep into the woods, but no person was within the buildings he could open and the others had jammed doors.

Dread began to creep up the base of Jimin’s spine as what he feared most seemed to be confirmed: everyone else was dead. Whatever had happened had occurred when he was safely passed out in a hospital bathroom, leaving him as the sole survivor.

If he was correct, then his parents were dead, probably killed in each other’s arms. Sophie would have died after them, watching as they failed to protect her from the monsters. And Jae, poor Jae, would have been boarded up in his Kirkville house with his mother, her trying so desperately to protect her son and unborn grandchild, only to watch as they were both slaughtered by the ensuing swarm.

Jimin wanted to give up, he wanted to just scream out into the woods and succumb to his wounds and let the monsters devour him like they always wanted to, but he couldn’t. He had to see this through to its end, he had to find the natural conclusion of his life. He didn’t know how things had come to this, but if there was a chance someone in his family was still alive, he had to find them.

What made this all even worse is that if Jimin had just been there instead of nearly overdosing in a bathroom, then he could have protected them. He could have kept Jae and Sophie and their parents safe from the monsters, he could have protected them.

But that was never going to happen again. He would never abandon them when they needed him most, never abandon Jae, never abandon his child. If he could make it out of this with them still alive, then he would never take them for granted ever again.

—————————————————————

It was a long time since anyone had lived in Markland Forest, with the rotting cabins and rusted cars. He did find a fire ax, which was even more powerful than the hammer. He was able to fend off the monsters even more efficiently now, slicing through their flesh and bones with a new sense of anger.

But the monsters seemed to follow Jimin in becoming angrier, as they were faster and stronger than they were before. He even found himself in a ring of trees being chased by a massive horde of pale, sickly twitchers, having to switch to his pistol when his cardio gave out.

Limping through a graveyard full of twitchers, his body feeling ready to give out, Jimin swallowed another bottle of pills before opening the door to a rotten-looking shack.

Turns out, this shack was part of a mansion. A large, vibrant, gaudy, hideous mansion. The bright orange carpets and wallpapers were so ugly that Jimin didn’t know who in their right mind would decorate anything this way. Apparently, it was a cult. Or at least it looked like so to Jimin. On the locks he couldn’t open, he found archaic symbols of yellow gods and brown daemons. He just had to find the keys with these symbols on them, then he could find a way out of this mansion.

A way out, a way out. It seemed like that’s all Jimin was doing now. Finding a way out of the mansion, a way out of the apartments, a way out of the hospital, a way out of the other hospital, a way out of his own home, he couldn’t stop running away from everything that was happening.

But now, he had a destination to run to, he just had to find it. He just had to find Jae. He just had to make sure he was safe. And Jimin was willing to die to do so. Slowly, Jimin could feel himself unlock parts of himself that had been hidden away for so long. He could feel compassion, a desire to protect, a desire to finally shed the shell of what he had metamorphosed into.

Unsurprisingly, the mansion full of gaudy colors and horrifying paintings held dark secrets. Walking past one closet, Jimin could hear the breathing of some ungodly beast that he was sure would destroy him had the door been opened. One of the keys had been found in some sort of torture dungeon, so many people having lost their lives there that the walls were leaking blood.

At least he found a revolver, that was convenient. Especially for the disembodied baby heads, although shooting those felt wrong given the circumstances Jimin had gotten himself into.

—————————————————————

Once he left the mansion, Jimin had found another house to explore. However, it was locked, the only other thing it offered was another bottle of pills.

After fighting through more monsters, a combination of the demons plaguing him during his entire journey, Jimin found a boat to cross the lake. Not being able to see much with the heavy fog in the way, he just got in and hoped nothing awful was waiting for him.

What Jimin ended up finding was another house. With this house being unlocked, Jimin was able to comb through it for signs on how to escape this forest.

More exploring of each room, more buttons pressed, more hidden passageways that led to more buttons, but Jimin noticed a strange development occurring. Whenever he pressed a button now, he was intimately aware of what it had opened. Even if it had opened something far out of sight, he knew where to go. Either his instincts were becoming keener, or he was just completely out of his mind.

One more button pressed, one more ambush from twitchers. Jimin was growing so tired, he didn’t know how much longer he could take this. His body was coated in wounds, making his clothes damp with blood. He knew that he smelled atrocious, and he probably looked just as bad. Not even the opioids could cover up just how badly injured he was, the masking of his pain beginning to ebb away.

Returning back to the mansion, Jimin noticed how many of the doors that had been open before were now inexplicably jammed. No matter, he already knew where he needed to go. It’s as if the desire to arrive at Kirkville was overshadowed by a supernatural longing, something pulling him along by his soul.

A chimney had opened in the bathroom. Jumping in, Jimin fell into a pool of water, surrounded by more bleeding walls. It seemed to Jimin that the building itself was his own body, damaged beyond belief and leaking blood. It even reeked as much as he did, the acrid smell burning his sinuses and throat.

Coming to a crossroads, Jimin felt a massive impulse against going to the left path. It felt like there was a wall blocking his way, preventing him from entering. But something felt so very wrong as he tried to go the other way, something was still trying to drag at his soul, trying to convince him to go back.

Swallowing hard, Jimin looked back over his shoulder. He could feel a strong presence in that direction, a longing that was so powerful, it filled every crevice of his brain. He had to force his body through the passageway, like he was walking through some invisible mass of goo.

The bleeding planks once again melted away to the dark chambers of Jimin’s mind, decorated with the same twitching trees and eyeballs. As he walked through, one word was emblazoned into his consciousness.

If.

If he hadn’t tried pot to look cool at twelve years old, he wouldn’t have gotten in on his family’s bad side. If he hadn’t tried to steal an SUV, his parents wouldn’t have hated him. If he hadn’t dropped out of high school, his parents wouldn’t have kicked him out.

If he had actually been there for Sophie instead of shooting up in a shitty apartment, she would have had more self-esteem. If he not fucked up his body with opioids, he wouldn’t have blacked out when Jae told him he was pregnant. And if he actually thought things through and wasn’t a selfish piece of shit, he wouldn’t have left Jae. He could have helped protect him.

He had become such a rotten person, such a cowardly fuck. Jimin didn’t know if it was possible for him to recover, if he was just bound to fail for the rest of his life.

But he had to try. Goddamn it, he had to try.

As hard as it was to do so, Jimin knew he had to forgive himself. It would be a long, tumultuous process to accept who he was, but it was the only way to grow past what he had done in his life. And if he couldn’t forgive himself, how would anyone else be able to forgive him?

Beginning to sob in the depths of the abyss, Jimin choked on his tears as he whispered, “please, forgive me.”

His eyes slid open at the sound of a door opening. Turning his head, he could see through the frame a well sitting in the middle of the darkness. Approaching it, Jimin was drawn to climb into it, falling a few meters only to find… the hospital?

As baffled as Jimin was, he could confirm that he was, indeed, at the hospital again. The same doors, the same wallpaper, the same beds, and the same hallways just outside of the patient rooms.

Confused as to how the hell he managed to end up back at the hospital, Jimin made his way down the hall. He only made it past one doorway before he was flung on his side by his feet moving out from underneath him. The section of the hallway was now rotating, tossing him around like he was a shirt in the dryer.

Trying to regain his composure, Jimin crawled on all fours to escape the hallway. The rotation of the hallway revealed the inner walls of the hospital, showing they were made of flesh. Looking forward, he realized that the next section was also distorted, going straight down in a way that would kill him if he just dropped from his current height.

To make his way down, Jimin had to jump on signs and benches that were disobeying the laws of gravity. Jumping down to the end, he crouched through another hall to find another completely vertical section, which had multiple chairs stacked for him to climb up to reach the top.

The process of making it through this nightmare became more difficult as Jimin had to drop down rotating pieces of hallway. After missing a chair as he fell, he was certain he tore something in his arm as he grabbed it, grunting in pain as he dropped to the next bench.

Jimin eventually found himself in a rotating patient room, the single open door showing the nightmare void outside. Waiting a few moments for anything to appear in the abyss, the room rotated in a way to show the familiar red dots that continuously plagued Jimin. He jumped out when he saw these, knowing that they were safe.

A distorted voice began to breathe nonsense into Jimin’s eardrum as he followed the scarlet road, seeing patches of concrete appear in the darkness. A bronze railing came into Jimin’s sight, and as he passed it, he saw the apartment he had grown up in.

He did a double take, so confused as to how he ended up here. He hadn’t been to his parents’ place in so long, and this wasn’t even where his parents lived anymore. They had moved to a house in Sutherland when he was ten years old, so they weren’t going to be here.

Entering the complex, he went straight for the door that had been so vaguely familiar to him. Entering it felt like the most lucid flashback imaginable. The ugly yellow wallpaper was so vivid, and the scent of sanitizer filled the dining room. A collection of pill bottles were scattered on the floor, but the door next to them was jammed.

Walking up to the table, there was a note that was very familiar to Jimin, “my mother used to point at things she wanted me to destroy.” As a child, his mother always made him deal with the things she didn’t want to, like stray insects inside the apartment or a chicken carcass she didn’t want to cut up. She was actually the one who gave him the switchblade he had for self-defense in high school, and it was in a fight involving this switchblade that he received his scar.

Behind the table, there had always been a painting that his father had bought before he was born. But now, it was replaced with a photo of the dining room, a black silhouette resembling his mother pointing up at the ceiling.

Obeying his mother like he always used to, Jimin climbed up onto the dining room table and smashed the section of the ceiling, a rope falling down for him to climb. He didn’t remember the ash-colored attic he crawled into, it may have been an artifact of the building’s construction. Noticing a sheet of paper, Jimin crawled forward to read it.

“Now she is pointing at your enemy.”

Turning on his heels, Jimin pointed his shotgun at the same location she had been pointing. Like the note had predicted, a single twitcher burst through the wall, which he dispatched in only one shot to the head. Walking through the exposed hallway in expectation of more monsters to follow, Jimin could only see another sheet of paper and a mirror at the end of the hall.

Confused by the entire situation, Jimin crept forward, heart sinking as he read the final note.

“No, not the innocent, the enemy!”

Jimin’s eyes shot up at the mirror as he heard something behind it. There had been no reflection before, but now a familiarly-shaped silhouette was walking up towards him. As it neared the surface of the mirror, he could make out more of its features. Black hoodie and sweatpants, dark brown hair, scar on his cheek…

It was him. Jimin’s own reflection was coming right at him.

But there was something wrong with it, it didn’t look like it was supposed to. His skin was a dull blue, his eyes were pure black, his face was covered in blood, and his arms were crossed upon his chest in a way that resembled a corpse in a casket.

And now, it was passing through the mirror, crossing the barrier into the physical world.

Barely even thinking from his shock, Jimin pulled up his shotgun and blasted at its shoulder. He unfortunately hit it, and he screamed in agony as his own shoulder was torn open, causing more blood to stain his hoodie. Shit, was this thing impossible to kill?

Jimin ran, regretting everything he had ever done in his life up to this point. Why did he have to get into drugs? Why couldn’t he have been better to his parents? Why couldn’t he have been a perfect child like Sophie?

Dropping down the hole he had come from, the familiar apartment was gone, replaced by more blood-stained walls. Just as the gate in front of him opened, he heard the planks behind him shatter as the evil version of himself followed, making its way towards him.

Backing off from it, Jimin tried to make sense of what this thing was. Was it some sort of twitcher that could mimic the appearances of humans? Jimin didn’t think so, that didn’t explain how it actually passed through the mirror.

Piecing together everything he had seen this hellish night, Jimin could only come to one conclusion; this was all some sort of twisted nightmare. He was in his own head, facing the worst part of himself. His own addiction was chasing him down a tunnel into a pool of water, his addiction was trying to kill him.

Crawling out of the water, a massive shock of electricity shot through his body. Looking behind himself, a mirror was in this room as well, allowing the Addiction to appear. It followed him everywhere, it was part of him. It was him.

But Jimin wasn’t about to let it control his life anymore.

Glancing at the table in front of him, Jimin saw a spear, similar to the same needles the Addiction regularly made him inject into himself. Running towards the Addiction with renewed rage, he stabbed it right between its shoulder blades. This time, Jimin didn’t feel any pain, so he knew that he was doing something right.

Jimin continued stabbing at the Addiction’s chest, but it was sturdier than he was. He knew that it would take a lot out of him to kill it, and with the fire axe it was currently pulling out of its chest, Jimin knew that this was going to be the most difficult fight of his entire life.

Narrowly avoiding the swings of the axe, Jimin also had to dodge the shocks of electricity every time he heard the rumble of thunder. Getting shocked felt familiar to the same shock he felt upon learning about Jae’s pregnancy and seeing the ultrasound scans.

As he fought the Addiction, Jimin found himself hating it more with every passing moment. He hated it for ruining his relationship with his family, destroying his body, and turning him into a coward. In reality, Jimin hated himself, but killing this thing was the first step to actually liking himself as a person.

When the addiction once again plunged the axe back into its chest, Jimin could tell its strength was wavering. He knew because it was him, and it was showing all the same signs that he did when he was tired. As it twitched in front of him, Jimin prepared to end this.

That’s when it burst into flames, catching Jimin on fire by extension.

He screamed in agony before plunging his body into the pool, still feeling his skin burn under the surface of the water. Jimin was even more pissed than he was before, tired of the cheap tricks the addiction was playing. Crawling back out with the spear firmly in his grip, Jimin glared at his Addiction, ready to end this.

He dove straight at it, roaring as he plunged the spear in and out of its chest, feeling its blood spurt onto him. He could feel it weaken and begin to collapse under the weight of his attack, and he knew that he could never let this bastard control his life ever again.

The addiction stepped back and made the motions of screaming, but no noise came out. With its arms outstretched and its entire body shaking madly, it fell back as Jimin’s vision began to go white. He had won, he had beaten his Addiction. It was over.

His ears were buzzing, his vision was pale, his body felt entirely hollow. Sitting down on the cold, wet ground, Jimin resigned himself to whatever fate was about to follow. He smiled sadly, a few tears slipping down his face.

“Mom, Dad, Sophie, Jae, it’s all over. Thank you for all the love you have ever given me. Please take care of yourselves. I love you all.”

—————————————————————

In a room at Markland Hospital, three doctors stood around the flatlining body of a young man. He had a head wound that had reopened in the bathroom they found him in, spilling blood all over the floor. But with the vitals they had pulled from him, that seemed to be the least of his problems.

“Damn drugs, was it an overdose?”

“Probably.”

The man did have identification on him that they found. Jimin Park, only twenty five years old. He had his whole life in front of him, ripped away from the influence of opioids. It would not be fun notifying his family of his death.

Preparing themselves for the job ahead, the doctors could hardly believe what they heard next.

A steady heartbeat, evenly beeping on the heart rate monitor. The color began to slowly return to the man’s face, showing the slight smile on his lips.

“He’s alive!”

That cold night in June, everything was peaceful at Markland Hospital. The staff were in high spirits, the halls were quiet, and the night outside was still. The stars outside shone just as bright as they always did, though they weren’t too visible with the light pollution.