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Niall’s heard about the pain of a broken heart. Has seen it enough times, like when Liam and Dani broke up. How Liam had casually dropped it into their lunchtime conversation like it was nothing major, shrugged it off and avoided their concerned looks in his direction as he claimed he was fine.
But Niall knew it was a lie, could tell it was lie because he hardly ever smiled any more. Especially the kind of smile that lit Liam’s entire face up and made the laughter lines around his eyes more pronounced, his brown eyes sparkling. He also went and shaved off all his hair but Niall figured it was just Liam’s way of dealing with stuff. So he never said anything, just kept being a good friend to Liam and hoped he appreciated it.
So Niall was aware of it, had seen the affects of it but it didn’t put Niall off. He still dated, still hooked up with people and had a good time. He just didn’t stick around long enough for the dates and hook ups to become heartbreak material. He was clever, well so he thought and yeah that was probably his biggest mistake.
Because some where along the line he got caught up in something. That began as a random, too drunk to care but horny as hell hookup to regularly happening after parties or night outs with the lads at the pub.
Niall should have known it was more when they began fucking regularly without the alcoholic influence. The sexting that would get Niall so worked up he’d be in his car in a flash, driving to his place. They wouldn’t even make it to the bed because the bed was too far away and Niall was too horny and needy to wait, he needed him to be inside Niall now.
One year. One whole year of hooking up with no one else but him. Of sneaking around with him, of hand-jobs in Louis’s bathroom, mutual winks and casual nudges. Making out in the back seat of his car that always ended with Niall in his lap, riding him because Niall couldn’t help it, the sex was fucking amazing and he always made Niall feel so so good.
So when Niall experienced the pain of a broken heart for the first time he knew what to expect. Except no-one told him it was nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the pain of having your heart broken and loosing your best-friend all in the same single breath.
Harry. He’d been Niall’s best-friend since they were 8 years old. Had met at the twins, Lucy and Cameron Watson’s pirates and fairies themed birthday party. Niall had been in his element, chasing the fairies and gathering them up to walk the plank on Cameron’s pretend pirate ship when he noticed the curly haired lad standing shyly at the back, sword loosely gripped in his right hand.
He was just as quiet when he was seated next to Niall for lunch. So Niall had offered him the tiny car made out of mini Wispa bars off his cupcake to break the ice and he’d accepted it shyly. Sea green eyes meeting his as a small smile lite up his entire face, revealing twin dimples in his cheeks as Niall smiles back just as brightly in return.
They were inseparable after that. Joined at the hip, where one was the other wasn’t too far behind. Right through primary school, which was when Liam came along with his own best friend Zayn and they became a foursome. Then Louis appeared their first year of high school and that was them, five best friends who stuck by each other through thick and thin.
Yet Niall’s friendship with Harry was different from the one he shared with the rest of his friends. The affection between them had always been obvious, very much mutual. Harry pressed tight against his side, clinging to him while they were watching a horror movie at Zayn’s. Niall squeezed in beside Harry, arm wrapped around his waist on the tiny single rollout bed in Louis’s room because they always insisted on sleeping together.
The lingering glances, the way Harry always had to have some part of his body touching Niall. The flirting/teasing nature of their iMessage convo that his mother had seen that one time, accidentally during breakfast when Niall had left his phone on the table. Had made her ask if Harry was finally his boyfriend much to Niall’s embarrassment, his cheeks flushed red as he mumbled no.
It was his mother’s fault why he began to question it. Was Harry interested in him? Did he fancy Harry? Not likely because Harry had only ever dated girls, his gaze easily distracted by soft hair, long smooth legs and a tempting smile flashed easily and so often in his direction.
It didn’t stop Niall from wondering though.
It was Harry who initiated it. In fact Niall didn’t even see it coming. He was too busy enjoying himself at Nina Jones’s party, drinking and having a laugh while chatting up girls and guys in the process. Niall didn’t have a preference or any shame about the fact that he liked guys and girls equally, sex was sex to Niall and he was young, good-looking and always up for a little fun.
He’d been making his way upstairs to find a bathroom when it happen. One minute he was opening the door to the toilet and the next thing he knew he was being shoved inside, a hand pressed against the small of his back while the door was kicked shut. A body crowding up against his, pressing him back against the sink.
“Niall” a voice spoke softly, an alcohol-fuelled drawl that Niall knew very well, would recognise the sound of it anywhere. It sent a chill through Niall, a mix of uncertainty and nervousness spreading through his veins because what the hell was Harry doing?
“Harry what the fuck –” Niall began but the rest of his sentence was cut off by the feel of Harry’s mouth against his own.
Harry was kissing him.
Niall would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it. What it would feel like, to kiss his best friend. To have Harry’s pretty pink lips pressed against his own. To feel them, to stroke his tongue teasing across the plump, tender skin of Harry’s bottom lip before sinking his teeth into it. Yeah Niall had thought about it but thoughts were nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the real thing.
Harry’s lips were soft and smooth like velvet and moved with a practiced ease against his. Niall couldn’t even keep his eyes open because it felt so unbelievably good. The gentle pressure, the way Harry flicked his tongue teasingly against Niall’s bottom as if he was asking for permission to lick into Niall’s mouth. Niall gave in of course, too caught up in the pleasure, the fireworks sparking behind his eye lids.
Even in his alcohol haze all Niall’s senses were wrapped up and controlled by Harry. The length of Harry’s entire body, a sensual mix of taunt muscles and soft skin pressed up against his. How his hand fully cupped the back of Niall’s head, fingers tugging on the strands of his hair as Harry tilted his head, nose nudging against Niall’s cheek. Tongue licking deep and exploring every inch of his mouth.
Niall caved. He couldn’t help but cave and give into the pleasures that came from the feel of Harry’s hands and mouth on him and boy did things escalate quickly after that. Zips being tugged down, heated kisses, bruises sucked and marked into every inch of skin that wasn’t covered. Soft moans and breathless pleas of faster, harder and more. Whisperings of desperate profanities combined with the sounds of slick palms moving up and down, up and down over heated and hardened lengths. Hot groans of pleasure as mutual spills of come paint over each other’s fists. Bodies trembling as lingering kisses are exchanged between trying to catch one’s breath.
Niall and his heart never stood a chance after that.
It never stopped was the thing. It was a constant, burning addiction that Niall couldn’t seem to soothe, could never get enough of. Niall did try. Not spending as much time with Harry, trying to focus more on his studies. Didn’t help that Harry was just as addicted, that he couldn’t get enough of Niall and he was determined to get exactly what he wanted.
That a single glance and nod from Harry in Niall’s direction, the need Niall could see burning in his darkened eyes went straight to Niall’s dick. Made him follow Harry down crowded hallways, caused him to stumble into the boy’s bathroom, mouth already firmly attached to Harry’s as he tugged impatiently at the zipper on Niall’s jeans.
How they managed to keep it hidden from their friends over a whole year was the other thing. Being insatiable in the presence of each other didn’t help, especially Harry who blatantly enjoyed being a fucking tease and getting Niall worked up. Palming his crotch and squeezing his ass discretely in front of their friends while sending Niall a steady stream of dirty text messages.
Harry pushing himself up off the couch and stretching slowly with his hands held high over his head. It made Niall’s mouth water at the glimpse of tanned skin and the laurels inked above the waist band of Harry’s impossibly tight jeans. The lip biting and stroking of fingers against his sinful mouth, the suggestive head tilts and smirks in Niall’s direction that drove him insane with want.
Niall didn’t know how Harry managed to walk proper the following day after a night of incredibly hard sex. But he did.
They never speak about what it is, thats the problem. Niall thinks it’s just a thing they do, best friends who shag, no strings attached sex. Niall just finds it hard not to think it’s more, especially when he’s fucking into Harry. Listening to the symphony of beautiful noises spilling from his mouth combined with the sound of skin moving against skin. How hot and unbelievably good Harry feels wrapped around him, the trust they have for each other to go bare so the pleasure is hotter and so much better.
The warmth and adoration Niall feels every time he wakes up and sees Harry lying there beside him. The way he looks in the soft light. An expanse of long, lean limbs and soft skin marked with dark ink and light bruises left by Niall’s mouth or fingers. How Niall can’t help but reach his hand out to stroke his fingers tenderly down Harry’s cheek bones, soft smile on his lips and heart pounding inside his chest.
More, it’s more, it’s so much more and Niall doesn’t know how to deal with these thoughts or feelings. So he hides them away, somewhere in the far recesses of his brain because as that saying goes; out of sight, out of mind right?
It’s ironic how Niall didn’t see this “thing” with Harry coming because he never saw the end coming either. Had no idea that the sudden appearance of this tall, softly spoken brunette named Kendall Jenner would be a key player in the demise of Harry and Niall’s unnamed thing.
It happens slowly to begin with. Harry gradually becoming too busy to spend any time with Niall. The hours later one word replies to Niall’s text messages. Niall hanging out with the rest of the lads for movie night but he’s too aware of Harry’s absence to enjoy himself because the empty space by his side doesn't feel right. How he spends a restless, sleepless night at Louis’s on the roll-away bed because it feels cold without a warm body beside him and there’s too much space.
Niall tries not to dwell on it, how the late replies to his text messages turn to no replies for a couple of days. How Harry’s absence at one lad’s night turns into him missing night after night after night of movie nights and catch ups at the pub. Niall acts like he’s fine. Still goes around campus like he’s the living/breathing embodiment of sunshine teamed with a cheeky laugh and blindingly bright smile, when really he’s not.
It’s a month later, when Harry posts a picture on his Instagram account that draws Niall’s attention to his phone during class. The sight of it makes his heart plummet painfully into the pit of his stomach and Niall feels like he’s going to be sick.
Harry is sitting on a seat with Kendall tucked against him, her legs curved over his bare ones, an arm slung casually around his neck. She’s smiling for the camera, clearly happy as she holds a glass in her other hand but it’s Harry Niall can’t take his eyes off. His face is turned away from the camera and he’s looking at Kendall with such fondness, like she’s the epicentre of Harry’s happiness and his whole world revolves around her.
Niall knows this look well because it’s the same way he looks at Harry.
It sets off a downwards spiral for Niall. Excessive drinking and over the top partying with people he barely knows. Waking up with a pounding headache and missing classes because he’s still half intoxicated and in no state to be in the presence of his professors and fellow class mates. Ignoring his friends phone calls because he knows why they’re calling, the concern obvious in the messages they send and voice messages they leave on his phone. Niall doesn’t want to hear it, just wants the shooting pain he feels when he thinks of that stupid IG photo to stop.
It happens one morning, when Niall wakes up after a night of sweet cocktail drinks, drunken snogs with strangers under flashing neon lights and a thumping dj beat. He stumbles into his bathroom, needing to use the toilet when he catches a glimpse of his appearance in his mirror.
Takes in his bloodshot blue eyes, paler than normal skin and limp, dirty blonde hair hanging down across his forehead. How Niall looks on the outside is exactly how he feels on the inside, like complete and utter shit. Broken, Niall feels so broken and torn apart on the inside. His heart hurts every time he thinks about Harry and he can’t understand why the fuck he feels like this and thats when it hits him.
He’s in love with Harry.
The realisation sends Niall backwards into the wall, hand clasped over his mouth as he lets out a heart wrenching sob. Knees buckling as slides downwards until he’s sitting on the floor. Makes him bury his head in his hands as the words replay over and over in his head; I’m in love with Harry, I’m in love with Harry, I’m in love with Harry, I’m in love with Harry…
Niall is in love with Harry.
Except, Harry isn’t in love with Niall he’s in love with Kendall and Niall wants to hate him and hate her but he can’t. Because it’s not really their fault is it? It was just sex to Harry, nothing more nothing less and it’s Niall’s fault for falling in love and developing feelings so what the fuck does he expect?
So Niall does what he always does, stands up and takes off all his clothes. Turns the heat up in shower to scalding hot and tries to scrub the feelings off his skin. Turns the water off and doesn’t even bother to dry himself or put on any clothes as he exits the bathroom. Lies down on his bed and pulls the duvet over his head, wills himself to forget everything before eventually drifting off into a head pounding but undeniably restless sleep…
Someone pounding on his door is what wakes Niall from his dreamless slumber. He waits, hoping the person will go away but they keep pounding and Niall groans as he rolls off his bed. He tugs on a pair of sweatpants and pads barefooted across the wooden floor to his apartment door, yanking it open.
It’s Harry.
Niall kinda isn’t surprised to see Harry here, in the flesh standing on his doorstep in front of him. Make’s Niall’s chest hurt because it’s so unfair that he looks that good, dressed in his favourite Rolling Stones t-shirt and tight black skinny jeans and scuffed brown boots.
“Ni hey hi” Harry speaks slowly, almost breathlessly, like he’s testing out a body of water between them. Unsure if the water is shallow enough for him to step through easily because Niall is ok with him being here or deep enough that he’d drown because Niall doesn’t want anything to do with him.
Letting Harry drown seems like a perfectly good option to Niall.
“Can I come in?” Harry speaks again, uncertainty tainting his voice as he watches Niall carefully.
Niall responds by slamming the door shut in Harry’s face.
“Niall please, please open the door” Harry pleads, his voice breaking as he bangs his fist against the wood behind Niall’s forehead. Niall won’t though, refuses because his heart hurts every time he swallows and there are tears prickling behind his eyelids that he doesn’t want Harry to see.
“I miss you Ni and I’m sorry, sorry for not answering your text messages. sorry for being an asshole –” Harry continues but Niall cuts him off,
“Too late for that Haz”.
“Niall please you’re my best-friend –” Harry tries but Niall cuts him off again,
“A best-friend doesn’t kiss his best-friend then proceed to fuck his best-friend exclusively for a whole year Harry. Doesn’t make his best friend fall in love with him then leave with no explanation and fall in love with someone else” the words roll off Niall’s tongue effortlessly as he stares at the tiny cracks and splinters crisscrossing the surface of his door before closing his eyes.
“You, you wait what, Ni you fell in love with me?” Harry answers disbelievingly, the tone in his voice making Niall flinch, his stomach twisting into knots.
“Still in love with you”.
“Niall fuck” he hears Harry swear as he bangs his fist against the door.
“You should leave”.
“You, you should have fucking told me Niall”.
“Please just go away Harry”.
“You should have fucking told me because I was in love with you too!” Harry yells with another bang of his fist, then a sob and another bang from the other side of the door. Makes Niall bite his own fist to stifle his own sob, his heart shattering at the sound of Harry’s confession and its enough to bring forth the tears built up behind Niall’s eyelids.
“It was always you Niall, I’ve loved you for so fucking long you don’t even know. Thats why I kissed you, because I couldn’t take it any more and then we ended up doing what we did for so long and I thought it was more except you never said anything we just kept having sex and it messed with my head Ni, it messed me up so bad and I knew I couldn’t keep doing it. I had to get out, for my own sanity and thats what I did. Then I met Kendall and she helped me so much Ni, she’s amazing and I love her Ni I love her”.
Niall doesn’t want to hear any more, wants to cover his ears and scream and scream because it hurts, everything hurts. His shattered heart, his pounding head, the twisting pain in his stomach. Everything fucking hurts from the simple knowledge that all Niall had to do was confess his feelings and Harry could have been his.
He missed his chance, Niall missed his chance and he knows he’ll regret it for the rest of his life. Knows he can’t have Harry present in his life now, not after everything thats happened and he doesn’t want to say it but he does,
“I hope she’s worth losing a best friend and 14 years worth of friendship over” Niall replies, his voice surprisingly steady as the tears begin to fall down his cheeks.
“No Niall no please I’m sorry Ni I’m so sorry” Niall can hear Harry whispering, can hear the hurt and the pain in his softly spoken words. Makes Niall wants to yank open the door so he can pull Harry into his arms, whisper soothing words of comfort in his ear as he holds him tight because Harry is still his best friend.
Niall is a heartbeat away from giving in when he hears footsteps moving away from his door and he knows Harry is gone. He’s gone, Harry is gone and he’s not coming back. Everything hurts, everything inside of Niall hurts and the tears are sliding down Niall’s cheeks faster now, like a miniature torrent of rain that’s never going to stop. His tears don’t stop.
++
Eight months.
It's been eight months since Niall has seen Harry. Niall is good, he feels good and he’s positive he’s in a much better place now then he was before. He’s cut back on the drinking, he’s back on track with his studies and he’s positive he’s done enough hard work to graduate with the rest of his friends at the end of the year. Thinks he has come to terms with how he felt about Harry, delt with the pain, accepted it and moved on.
Yeah it’s been a hard road of course, going from having a best friend to not having one. Niall still had Liam, Zayn and Louis but there were times Niall just couldn’t help but think about Harry, couldn’t help but still miss him. During catch ups with the lads at the pub, sitting on the couch in Zayn and Liam’s new apartment watching a movie or Louis’s old apartment with the pull-out bed that Niall couldn’t bring himself to sleep on any more.
His friends knew what had happened, were shocked but had helped Niall through the thick of it. Been a ear when he needed one or a shoulder for Niall to lean against while drunk with tears staining his cheeks. They still treated Niall like he was going to fall apart at the seams but Niall and his walking ray of sunshine demeanour kept them semi oblivious to Niall’s occasional slip-ups.
They haven’t even been back at university for long, just slightly less than a month when Niall is caught off guard by Liam turning up at his apartment unannounced, asking if he wants to come to the birthday party they’ve been planning for Harry. Liam thinks it would be good idea for him to come and says exactly that, pausing mid-sentence and Niall knows he’s about to get deep with some advice about how its been eight months, best friends for years, ect ect. So Niall agrees to go before Liam can say any more, can feel a heat tint his pale cheeks pink as Liam gives him a lingering glance and a nod before leaving as fast as he arrived..
Niall can’t help but feel slightly apprehensive at the thought of seeing Harry again but there is no denying Niall wants to, wants to see his best friend very much and thats ok he thinks because he is over the feelings he had for Harry, he’s positive of that.
Unfortunately for Niall his day goes to shit which means he arrives at the party late. He knows he probably isn’t dressed appropriately, skinny jeans, a white T-shirt and a denim vest teamed with white leather converse high tops but he shrugs that thought off. He slips through the side door silently and moves into the slightly crowded, over decorated room that he knows from experience is Louis’s contribution to the party. Catches Liam’s eye from across the room and sees the frown crease across his forehead and it makes Niall smile as he mouths sorry at him.
Niall turns around and of course he immediately sees Harry. Feels his pulse speed up slightly as he lets his gaze drink in the sight of him. He looks amazing of course, dressed in a tailored patterned suit that on anyone else would look utterly ridiculous. Kendall is pressed against his side, dressed in head to toe black, is a gorgeous companion to Harry’s very dapper appearance. Niall can’t deny the fact that they look good together, won’t deny that thought still stings just a tiny bit.
“We have an announcement” Harry speaks suddenly, the room going quiet as he turns to look at Kendall standing beside him. Niall doesn’t miss the look of complete adoration on his face and it makes his heart twinge slightly because he hasn’t forgotten that look.
Watches as Kendall raises her slender hand in the air, the diamond ring on her finger catching the light and thats all that Niall can bear to watch as he turns his back and heads straight towards the bar. Can hear the woops and whistles and applause filling the room behind him but Niall keeps walking.
At the bar is where Niall sits and stays. Liam and Zayn try to convince him to go say congrats to the newly engaged couple but Niall won’t. He can see the look of slight disappointment on Liam’s face and Niall wants to explain to Liam it’s not because he doesn’t want to, he just can’t.
Niall still manages to say hello to Anne, Harry’s mum when she comes to the bar. Lets her hug him close and squeeze him tight. Listens carefully as she tells him how much she’s missed him and how strange it’s been not seeing him with Harry. Makes Niall’s insides twist uncomfortably but he shrugs it off with a smile, uses the busy with studies excuse to appease Anne, promises to come see her soon with Harry even though he knows he won’t.
Niall catches up with Gemma, Harry’s sister too. Can feel Harry watching them as Gemma squeals, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging him tight much to Niall’s amusement. They talk and laugh about random shit and Niall enjoys it, has always had a soft spot for Harry’s sister because she always treated Niall like he was her little brother too.
Then Niall finds himself alone at the bar again so he orders another drink. Leans against it as he waits, makes the decision to finish this drink, swallow his pride and go over to congratulate Harry and Kendall. He turns his head back to look at the crowd of people when he catches sight of Liam and Zayn talking to Harry and Kendall.
Niall is hit by a wave of loneliness as he watches them because that use to be him and Harry. Standing there, all up in each other’s personal spaces while they talked and laughed with their friends. Now it’s Harry and Kendall standing there, arms entwined and laughing with his friends and it’s all just too much for Niall to handle.
Too much in a sense that he realises that little scene will be a regular thing from this day forth. Harry and Kendall looking happy and in love. Niall will have to watch them walk down the isle and exchange I dos, in a couple of years they’ll turn up at Louis’s christmas/birthday party with a mini Kendall or a mini Harry or one of each. Niall will spend the rest of his life watching them from afar, on the outside looking in and constantly feeling like an outsider within his own group of friends.
Niall hates that thought and it’s enough to bring all the memories and the pain Niall thought he had come to terms with flooding back through every inch of him and wow it hurts. I shouldn’t have come Niall thinks because it feels like someone has his heart in their hands, squeezing ruthlessly and Niall can feel tears forming in his eyes as he blinks rapidly trying to hold them in.
Makes him turned back to the bartender, who had finished pouring Niall’s pint and had placed it in front of him but Niall ignores it as he eyes the selection of liquor bottles on the glass shelves below the bar.
“Change of plans” Niall says as he leans over the bar, grabbing a bottle of whisky with one hand while flicking a bunch of notes he’d pulled from his back pocket at the bartender with the other. Turns his back on his laughing friends as he heads for the exit, letting the door slam shut loudly behind him.
Outside is where Liam and Zayn find him. Sitting on a bench, bathed in the milky glow of the moonlight. A half empty bottle of whisky loosely clutched in one hand while silent tears slide down his pale cheeks.
“Niall?” Zayn speaks carefully, placing his hand on his arm as Niall turns his head to face them. Feels Zayn card his slender fingers through his hair gently as Liam takes the bottle from his hand, his face full of concern.
“I’m fine” Niall lies even though his heart is breaking and hurting all at the same time, his cheeks are wet but eyes still bright. You shouldn’t have come you should have stayed away his mind says again but it’s his heart that responds silently.
Because after all this time his heart still beats for and belongs to one person.
Harry.