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And there she was again. Staring.
Not into nothingness. Quite the opposite, in fact.
In front of her eyes is her everything.
“Come on, man. There's nothing wrong with taking your girl to a fast food chain," Jordan laughed. He was talking to someone on the phone, but with how she stared, you would think he was saving the world.
It was a rare occurrence for her to get too into her head like this. At least, not until recently. She can't exactly pinpoint when and why the shift happened.
It's not like she was like this the whole day. At work, of course, she was all focused and sharp. But when the clock struck 5 and it was time for her to go home to the sweet, loving arms of her husband, her expression suddenly fell, and her mood sombered.
It's no one's fault. And obviously, it's not his. But the constant state of awe, disbelief, and shame she's been in for the past few days has led her to believe that this wasn't really a new feeling.
It felt familiar. She can't help but think that something must've happened that forcefully dug up these feelings she's subconsciously buried in the past.
Her day off was always on Tuesday. If you ask her, it seems too random. Why not a Friday or the weekend like everyone else?
At least she could go to common places and enjoy it without a crowd of people, trying to relax in the midst of the noisy city ambience.
Last Tuesday wasn't all that eventful. She just went to a park and... well, she can recall something.
It was early in the afternoon, and everyone in town was going about their busy day.
“Yeah, I know,” she mumbled to her phone, looking around the empty park. “I mean, I tried.” She squinted at the ray of sunlight suddenly hitting her eye as she walked over to a bench.
She sat, and Denise, who was on the other line, sighed. “Sure, Lara. And by 'try', you mean you went to the counter, got too shy, and just went straight home?”
She would have laughed if she weren't so ashamed at how true it was. A few days ago, her friend Denise told her to go to those tea shops that sell detoxifying tea. The girl couldn't stop raving about them being her savior and being the reason why her boyfriend can't keep his hands off her (a piece of information that she certainly didn't have to know).
Earlier in the day, she went to a shop, and it ended exactly the way Denise said, except instead of heading home, she just went to the park. There wasn't exactly a reason for her to go home. Her husband was at work, and they didn't have a pet to tend for.
“Okay, I'll try again next week, alright? The old lady at the counter just seemed intimidating,” she said.
“Old ladies are hardly intimidating! Promise me you'll get a pack next week?” Denise said with a pleading voice.
“Yes, yes.”
The girl let out a happy hum. “Great! I gotta go now though, boyfie's waiting. Bye!”
“Bye.”
And she hangs up.
Truthfully, she just wanted to get it over with. Denise is a nice girl, no doubt about it. But Lara has had her fair share of friends over the years to know that no matter how much they say they don't care about appearance, a few weeks later, they'd start recommending gym sessions and fasting. It's not all from malice, though, and this is something she's used to. And tired of.
Alas, she'll take this time to shake the tiredness off and just enjoy the peaceful atmosphere.
The park was big, with large patches of grass, a fountain in the middle, and tons of benches. The trees swayed gently to the weak winds, and she hoped that it wouldn’t change anytime soon. She didn't bring an umbrella.
But.. she definitely should have.
“Shit!” she cursed as a drop of rainwater fell on her head.
One moment, the park was dancing in yellow, the next it was bathing in… well, it was literally bathing with how strong the rain was. So much for relaxation.
She darted to a nearby bus stop. It had a hood over it, and the seats were still completely dry. She sighed as she sat down, the coldness of the metal and the cold breeze making her shiver.
It’s not like she expected this to happen! Seriously, when she went to the shop earlier, the sky was as clear as glass.
But yeah, maybe her husband did warn her of this earlier in the morning. And maybe she did laugh it off.
“If you’re going out… better bring an umbrella, sweets. Forecast said it’ll rain later,” he had murmured it against her neck, his musky breath hitting her skin in a way that almost had her in a chokehold.
Her husband was more rule-conforming than she was. Less impulsive, more careful, and more reserved, too. It’s no wonder why people just seem to gravitate towards him. He just has that kind of approachable energy that not a lot of people have. But of the two of them, she was definitely more extroverted. In clubs, she’d be dancing it out on the dancefloor, while he’d be somewhere with his friends, chatting and keeping an eye on her as he talked.
And really, it’s what made her fall in love with him even more. The way his eyes darted to her wherever they would go, asking a silent question through the look: Is everything okay?
And for instances wherein she’d shake her head no, he’d be by her side immediately.
His hotness doesn’t help either, and she’s just used to the stares they’d get as they walk through the streets. She knows what they’re all thinking—she’s lucky. She thinks so too.
Her thoughts almost made her forget the predicament she was in. The rain was even harder than before, and it was clear this was going to go on for a long time. Damn this city for practically being a rainforest.
In the middle of her tired sighs as she watched the streets get covered in rainpour, she sees a married couple walking by. Or, actually, they looked really young. But the girl had a ring… engaged, maybe?
They were walking under a shared umbrella, held by the guy. They had a lovestruck look on each other that had Lara smiling slightly.
But… something completely different washed over her.
Sadness? Melancholy? She isn’t sure.
The way the young couple walking was able to… fit under the umbrella with no problem whatsoever? It made her slip her gaze away, choosing to look elsewhere.
It was stupid, really. Couples walking under shared umbrellas shouldn’t bother her this much. But she’s had this feeling more times than she’d like to admit.
Every time they went on a date, they’d have to bring two umbrellas. One for him, one for her. One is just not enough. She’s too large, and a part of her body would always be exposed and end up drenched. It’s not a big deal for him, of course it isn’t. And she tried not to let it get to her, but sometimes the funny looks and chuckling strangers tugged too much on her heart. Instead of holding her head up high, she walks with newfound shame. Because through the eyes of others, she loves him. And he was kind enough to love her back.
She coughed, willing her mind to rid itself of the consuming thoughts.
But damn was it hard.
The last time she looked at the scale was on Saturday, when she met up with Denise and the girl introduced the idea of pooping for weight loss. It was a number too high for her to fathom, but she swallowed the truth nonetheless. She always did.
But she’s just a girl, and she just wants to experience what it would be like to walk under the same umbrella as her love. And sitting around certainly won’t do anything.
“You’re back, darling,” the old lady at the counter smiled. “And you’re completely drenched! You poor thing!”
Yeah. She went back. She really has to work on her impulsiveness. Was this worth risking an infection for?
Maybe.
And she had it completely wrong, too. The old lady was really nice. She just chose to trust her intuition. Clearly, she shouldn’t have. Her husband was way better at these kinds of things.
“Yeah, uh, I didn’t have an umbrella on me, so,” she chuckled, choosing to stand on a rug not to wet the tiles. “Sorry for getting your rug all wet,” she winced.
The old lady just shook her head, getting a clean cloth from a drawer and walking over to hand it to her. “No worries, darling. My wife certainly would not mind. The rugs need cleaning anyway,” she said, walking back to the counter. “What kind of tea do you need?”
She used the cloth to dry herself before walking towards the counter, looking at the wide range of tea packs displayed. There were some brands that she didn’t even know how to pronounce.
She hesitated at first, but she willed herself to just say it. “Do you have those… detoxifying teas?”
The old lady thought for a moment, then nodded, looking at her with a knowing look. “Ah! Yes, of course. Which brand?”
Wait..
Denise didn’t tell her any of this! Okay, yeah, maybe she should’ve done her own research too, but she’s sure it wouldn’t matter. I mean, they must all be the same.
The old lady, whose name she still didn’t know, must’ve sensed her lack of knowledge. “Come here, darling,” she tilted her head, beckoning Lara over to a certain aisle.
They were now in front of a set of tea packs specifically meant for detoxing. And okay, she did not know there were this many brands.
“I know there’s a lot,” the old lady chuckled. “But out of all of them, I recommend these two brands,” she pointed both of her index fingers to two brands: CleanseTea and Freshify. “CleanseTea is more effective. But you don’t want to be drinking this on a busy day. Freshify is less effective, but more manageable. It’s your choice which one you want to use.”
Well, since she’s just starting out on this detox shit, might as well start with the mild one for now.
She paid for 1 box of the tea, containing about 10 packets. The old lady (whose name is Martha, because she finally asked) let her borrow a spare umbrella. Why Martha had a spare umbrella, Lara doesn’t know, but she’s grateful for it.
It was about 3 in the afternoon now, and her husband wasn't home until 4. As evident by the empty house she went home to.
She sighed tiredly as she set down the umbrella by the porch. She removed her wet shoes and hung them on a rack for them to dry.
All the way home, the image of the young couple played over and over again in her mind. It really was stupid. She’s almost 30, for God’s sake. She shouldn’t be hung up on things like this.
She can’t deny the shame she feels for these feelings. It’s juvenile.
But it’s what she feels.
It’s what I feel, she thought as she drank the freshly prepared tea.
And maybe that is the reason for all the staring into nothingness and into everything at the same time she’s been doing.
She’s been steadily drinking the tea every day since. And if Jordan noticed how she’s been going to the restroom more times than before, he didn’t mention it.
In all honesty, she knows this isn’t the answer. Every time she walks in the streets, the gym in the corner always seems to wave at her. She’s tried it before. And what she got out of it were laughs and rude remarks. So she hasn’t gone back ever since.
Despite knowing that this isn’t the right way, she still finds herself drinking the tea. She wants to feel like she’s at the very least doing something about it. Is it pathetic? Yeah. Probably.
Jordan was still on the phone, looking out their living room window. It was night time, and the stars outside were shining like pale white dots. And no, she has not stopped staring.
When they got engaged, she did her best to squash these self-deprecating thoughts. And for a significant period, she truly believed that she deserved this. Deserved him.
And she knows she does. She’s kind, has a sense of humor, is smart, and hardworking. Hell, he was the one who liked her first, which says a whole lot.
But everything added up until this moment. Every remark, every look, every chuckle—it all came back to her every time she took out a new tea packet, like voices praising her for doing what was right. Praising her for doing her husband good, and for being a good wife.
She removed her gaze from the man and stood up. She went to the restroom, not to get shit out of her system again, but to check.
4 pounds down.
That had to be something, right?
She looked at the mirror. No physical changes.
But at least there was something.
A knock on the door interrupted her.
“Yeah?” she called out, not removing her stare at the flabby fats covering her body.
“Baby? Is everything okay?” Jordan asked. “Can I come in?”
Ah, shit. This was probably long overdue.
“Y-yeah.. it isn’t locked,” she said, heart hammering.
The door opened, and Jordan came in with a worried look on his face. Despite her being large, he still towered over her. He closed the door behind him and went behind her.
“Hey..” she murmured, looking at him through the mirror. He had his eyebrows furrowed.
He sighed. “You know you can tell me if anything is bothering you, right?”
She shut her eyes.
Bingo.
She felt strong, buff arms going around her waist, turning her around so she could face him. But she still had her eyes closed, because she knew once she opened them, the dam would break.
“I saw them, you know,” he whispered. She felt her stomach drop. “The tea box.” He dropped his forehead against hers. “Imagine my shock when I read the word ‘slimming’ on the package,” he said. “Is something the matter, baby?” he asked with that sweet voice of his.
Slowly, she opened her eyes, willing her tears not to fall. She was doing a pretty good job at it. She chuckled. “I-It’s just something Denise suggested. You know how she is.” A poor excuse, she knows. And he probably does too.
“Yeah, but I know how you are, too. You’re not the type to indulge her in these things. You’d just nod and hope that she’ll forget it after a few days because you really don’t care,” he said, raising his head and moving her baby hairs away from her face.
She was just speechless. He really just read her like that?
Who was she kidding? Of course, he knew. He’s always been better at observing.
“And all the restroom breaks you’ve been taking? You think I wouldn’t notice?” he said. He sighed, “At first, I thought you had some kind of infection, disease, or something of the sort. Hell, I almost talked to you for an appointment with a doctor.” He put his hands on the counter, still framing her with his body. “But then, when I saw the box earlier this morning, I knew.”
She swallowed. “A-are you mad?” Her voice was tiny, vulnerable, pathetic.
He was quick to shake his head. “Of course I’m not, honey. I would never be. I’m just… confused. Was it something that happened? Or… something I told you—”
“No!” she interrupted. “No, of course not. It’s never you, Jordie.” She cupped his jaw. He kissed the inside of her palm gently, making her heart do somersaults. “I just got too caught up in my head,” she sighed. “I-I saw this... young couple a few days ago at the park. It was raining hard, and they were walking under an umbrella, and I just thought, hey, I want to experience that too, but I know I’m too large to even fit under an umbrella with you, and I just want to change that so fucking bad. And I get embarrassed every time I walk with you because I know everyone’s thinking I’m too heavy for you, and it just hurts that I’m ruining your image like that,” she rambled on.
“Oh, baby…” he cooed. He put his hands underneath her thighs, carried her, and put her down on the counter, causing her to yelp.
“Jordan!”
“You heard me struggling? Saw my face scrunching?” he questioned, raising his eyebrow.
And… she didn’t. He didn’t let out a sound when he carried her. He did it swiftly. He did it like it wasn’t hard.
She shook her head gently.
“You’re perfect for me, lovely. If you want to change something about your appearance, I’ll support you, but know that you’re always beautiful in my eyes, no matter how you look,” he said earnestly. It was so sincere that she could already feel the tears she held back earlier coming back to the surface. “I mean, fuck, you don’t know how many times I force myself to stop looking at you too much in the morning because I know if I do, I wouldn’t be able to go to work,” he chuckled. He looked her in the eye, “I’m crazy for you, woman.”
And despite the crude innuendos behind the previous sentence, it was enough for her to sob and cry. She buried her face on his neck, her tears staining his white t-shirt.
“‘m sorry… your shirt—”
“Shh. Cry it out, love. Fuck the shirt.”
She cried even harder at that.
Gosh, she loved this man so much.
“I-It’s just…” she hiccuped. “I-I want to c-change, too…”
She felt him nod. “Whatever you want, sweetie. Just, don’t buy these teas anymore, okay?” he murmured. “I... read about them immediately once I saw the box. Not a lot of good stuff, and even if you lose a bit of weight by drinking them, they’re not good to rely on in the long run,” he said, caressing her hair. “You can join me whenever I go to the gym.”
At that, she raised her head and looked him in the eye. “I’m scared,” she said truthfully. Because she really was. Scared. Scared of the judging eyes, the backhanded compliments—everything.
“I’ll be there,” he reassured. “I know the guys there, too. They’re pretty kind, but if any one of them tries to mess with you, they know what’s coming to them,” he grinned. “You’re under my protection, baby. Of course, I know you won’t back down, too.” He winked. She laughed at the goofy gesture. “So… do you want to go with me tomorrow?”
She blinked. “Tomorrow?”
He nodded. “Uh-huh. After work, if that’s okay.”
This was her chance. Her chance to finally experience what she’s always wanted.
She smiled and nodded. “Okay.”
Society often picked on those it thought were inferior—on those it pitied. And when those they ridiculed had had enough, and walked the steps to change, it would laugh at how small their footsteps were, and how they looked stupid for trying.
Lara has long accepted things for what they were. But the recent happenings made her question herself—are you really happy? Are you really content? Do the stares not bother you?
Are you okay being alone under one umbrella?
Over the years, her answer was always yes.
Because yeah, she’s okay with it. But it hurt every time.
Now, when she asks herself the same question, she finds her answer has morphed.
No. I want more.
So, even if her steps started out small, and even if somebody let out a laugh every time she walked, she’ll hold her head up high because she knows she’s not alone.
He’ll be with her every step of the way.
They’d walk under this umbrella together, no matter how hard the rain would be.