Chapter Text
Eunsook mindlessly sniffled as she held back tears for the second time today, scrolling through her contacts and stopping as her thumb hovered over the pixelated smile of Junghee’s profile picture. She’s not sure what had gotten into her today, she’d been asked to come in early for a meeting with the higher-ups who had been upset over one thing that snowballed into several stern discussions about the group’s image. It was honestly too early in the morning to be lectured about issues the group was already aware of and actively working on, and it didn’t help that Eunsook had barely slept the night before as she stayed up meticulously going through the group’s tour information — double checking that the hotels they booked were suitable for the members, that they were all seated together on their flights, familiarizing herself with the location of venues they hadn’t played before. She chewed on her lip and repositioned her free arm around her middle, her fingertips digging into her ribs.
She let out a sigh of finality, deciding against reaching out and watched Junghee’s profile fade to black as she locked her phone. It was still early, Eunsook was too well-versed in Junghee’s sleeping schedule and even if she was up this early, it was more likely that she was still awake from last night. She stared at her reflection on her phone’s black screen, met with a red nose and puffy eyes from the tears that had flowed as soon as she left the meeting. Great, she thought. She put her phone on the table beside her and absently looked around the empty room she’d found to decompress in after the meeting. She was dreading having to leave, to return to the hallways and plaster on a smile. Just the thought of doing so exhausted her and she sank deeper into the armchair, letting out a shaky exhale.
As she stared at the ceiling, she felt a pang in her chest as more tears welled up and she wiped them away hastily. She wasn’t even upset about anything in particular, she thought she’d cried off the residual disappointment in herself earlier but the tears kept trying to fall and she knew she had to collect herself before she even gave a thought to leaving the room anytime soon. But she couldn’t stop thinking about how she was letting the group down, doubting herself as a leader— she knows she should’ve kept the group on schedule in deciding on a name, should’ve worked harder in practice, should check in on her fellow members more often. She takes a shaky breath and runs her fingers through her shoulder length hair.
Before Eunsook could spiral any further, Junghee swung the door open, arms full of loose paper and she muttered to herself as a few sheets fell from the stack she’d been carrying. Eunsook nearly jumped out of her chair at the intrusion and once she recognized the figure as Junghee, she feels her heartbeat pick up tenfold, she knows she looks like shit and Junghee was blocking the only exit. Junghee, however, doesn’t seem to notice her presence as Eunsook just stares at her dumbfounded. her mouth closes and opens as she tries to say something, to notify Junghee of her presence, but nothing comes out but a soft broken noise and her face flushes.
Junghee jumps at the noise as she hastily collects her remaining stray papers and attempts to back out of the room, muttering a litany of apologies before she actually looks up to apologize, and she softens. “Unnie?”
Eunsook was glad that the shock of the intrusion seemed to dissipate the tears behind her eyes, but she still felt the cave in her chest. She hopes the dim light of the room hides any proof of her previous outburst and she gives a nervous laugh, “Uh- Yeah. Hi.”
“What’re you- doing here?” Junghee stutters as she goes to put down the pages of sheet music and lyrics she was carrying on the table closest to the door. “It’s so early, didn’t you have today off?”
“Oh, um- Management asked me to come in.” she looks down at her hands, rubbing her thumb in circles on the palm of her other hand. “Wanted to discuss our upcoming album” she keeps her gaze lowered. Not entirely the truth, but not a lie either. It was her job as the leader to shoulder responsibilities anyways, and Junghee didn’t need to know that management had nearly screamed at her over something as small as the album title. She felt a pang in her chest as she remembered how small she’d felt in that office and takes a deep breath.
Junghee’s eyebrows furrowed as she spoke without looking up from where she was trying to neatly stack her papers, “They couldn’t ask you to go in any other day?”
“I don’t know. Didn’t ask.”
“Oh,” Junghee didn’t really have anything else to say. She didn’t know how to ask are you okay? You look like you’ve been crying, you can talk to me without scaring Eunsook off.
“Um- what’re you-” Eunsook paused and she lifted her chin to peer at the sheets Junghee left on the table. “Working on?”
“Just lyrics. Jotting down stuff,” she answered halfheartedly and made her way over to where Eunsook was sitting.
“Ah.” Eunsook felt her heart race as Junghee moved closer, acutely aware of the sheen in her eyes and the dried tear tracks on her cheeks that she knew she’d bring attention to if she tried to wipe them away. She felt stupid now, avoiding Junghees gaze as the other took her hands into hers. She watches the glint of Junghee’s ring as she does so and tries to control her breathing so Junghee doesn’t worry.
There’s a long moment of hesitation, of Junghee kneeling in front of Eunsook while she cradled Eunsook’s shaky hands in her own. “Eunsook…” And Junghee’s voice is so full of concern Eunsook nearly draws blood from biting her tongue so hard to not let out a sob. She can read Junghee like the back of her hand and she knows what she means with the emotion she put in simply saying her name - what’s the matter? what happened? who do I have to yell at for hurting you?
She can feel the tears stinging her eyes and she pulls her hands from Junghee’s warm grasp. She’s not sure where she’s going, but she knows she can’t stay here. Not holding hands with someone she loves so dearly, someone she knows could never love her back because she’s too awkward, too shy, not enough, too much all at once.
Junghee feels her heart lurch when Eunsook pulls her hands back, and she looks up to see unshed tears in Eunsook’s eyes and she sets those feelings aside as she involuntarily lets out, “Why? why? why?” she wants to reach up to cradle Eunsook’s face with her hands, to do something, but Eunsook is moving to get up with such vigor that all Junghee can do is avoid the flail of limbs. “Wait, unnie-” Junghees stands back up so fast she’s surprised she doesn’t get whiplash and stops Eunsook with a hand on the back of her shoulder.
She thought Eunsook was just having an off day, that maybe she just needed company and didn’t want to bother anyone but Junghee realizes it’s more than that now. “I don’t- I don’t think you should be alone right now.” she’s not sure what happened, what could’ve gotten to their leader like this, but she’s had her fair share of bad days. What she does know is that they’re never better alone.
Eunsook stays quiet, but her shoulder shakes under Junghee’s palm as sobs overtake her and Junghee’s heart breaks all over again. At how Eunsook still manages to make herself small even when her emotions are so vast. She gently guides Eunsook to turn around and coos as she gently pulls Eunsook’s hands away from where they were hiding her face. Eunsook keeps her gaze down and stiffens at the sudden vulnerable state Junghee’s put her in, tears silently falling between them and making small plaps as they hit Eunsook’s shoes.
Junghee’s arms snake around Eunsook’s waist and she pulls her in closer, moving one hand up to cradle the back of her head. Eunsook makes no move to relax, her body stiff against where Junghee’s holding her tight. It takes Junghee a moment to speak again, but it’s warm and its home and Eunsook wants to envelop herself in it when Junghee asks, “What happened? What’s got you like this?”
Eunsook doesn’t like sharing her emotions, not her bad ones at least. But she feels like she owes Junghee something because she can feel the worry radiating off of her so she mumbles, “Had a bad morning,”
“I’m sorry,” Junghee starts, intending to give comforting words, but something overtakes Eunsook and suddenly her anxious mind is rambling without her permission, her words punctuated by the occasional sob “Management didnt- They don’t like the album name and I told them we’ve been workshopping it, that it’s not final but they said I was getting defensive but I wasn’t, I was just explaining, I swear, and they’re still upset about Tae and Kai’s dating rumor and they said we all need to be more careful about our dating lives, and said we shouldn’t date around for the near future but do they expect me to date around when all I want is you but how could you like me like that when-”
And Junghee tunes out after that. Eunsook is still rambling on but Junghee stiffens and her mouth goes dry at the admission. she can’t bring herself to think about anything other than all I want is you as it rings in her mind. Was Eunsook even aware she said that? That she confessed, that she proved Junghee wrong in thinking that Eunsook could never love her back when she’s been locking those feelings in a closet in the deepest part of her heart since they were trainees. She’s not sure if she should point it out or pretend she didn’t hear it for sake of not exploiting Eunsook’s feelings, especially since it seems like she wasn’t aware that she let that slip. She worries her brow as she debates her options and Junghee comes back to the present when Eunsook clings onto her, sobbing earnestly into the crook of her neck now. Junghee gently combs through the soft locks of her hair in turn. She’s not sure what to say, she just holds her there until Eunsook calms down enough that the silence is only punctuated by the occasional sniffle.
“I really love you, you know” she feels Eunsook take in a shaky breath, feels the exhale on her pulse.
“Love you too, Junghee” And it sounds weary. Oh, Junghee tries again.
“No,” she moves her hand to cradle the side of Eunsook’s face and gently pulls her away from the crook of her neck to meet her gaze, “Not like that” she lets all of the emotions she’s kept locked away seep into her voice, “I’m in love with you”
Eunsook just stares at her, dumbfounded. Junghee still feels anxiety tightening her chest, worrying that what management said might have an influence on Eunsook’s decision now. Even if she knows the feelings are mutual. “Say something,” Jonghun whispers and Eunsook’s arms fall to rest on her waist.
“I don’t-” Eunsook cuts herself off and Junghee feels her heart fall to her stomach. “I don’t want to jeopardize the group.” Eunsook decides on saying. Not a yes or a no, just a statement. “We’ve worked too hard”
“Okay.” Junghee bites her lip, “What if management doesn’t know? We can just be us. No one has to know.” her voice was tinged with desperation, but she doesn’t care. She’s so close to everything she’s wanted.
Eunsook refuses to meet her gaze, feeling worse than when Junghee had first walked in. She can’t bear to break both of their hearts, but it’s not fair to the group. To the rest of the members who have put years of hard work into SHINee. Eunsook has never one to put her own feelings first, and surprises herself by crashing her lips against Junghee’s. Junghee immediately melts into the kiss, and when Eunsook pulls away she lets out a small whine and grasps onto the sleeve of her sweater, afraid that Eunsook might leave, that she might end up alone even after everything. That they’ll have to go back to before with the knowledge of each other’s feelings. She’s not sure she’d survive it.
But Eunsook gives her a small peck on the lips, gently brushing her thumb across her cheekbones to wipe away the tears she’d left. Eunsook lets out a soft, “Okay.” and nods to herself, allowing herself to be selfish for once, to have everything she’s wanted since she first met Junghee all those years ago. Eunsook heart melts at the thought of how far they’d come, “I love you.”
Junghee’s eyes light up at the confession and she blurts out, “Come home with me.”
“Oh.” Eunsook’s cheeks flush at the implication, and she’s not sure how to let Junghee down easily. She’s never been a puts-out-on-the-first-date kind of girl. “Um-”
Junghee realizes what she could’ve been implying. “Wait. Not like-” She takes a deep breath before continuing, “We don’t have to do anything. I just- like I said. I don’t think you should be alone right now. I want to spend forever with you.”
Eunsook is taken aback at how easily the last thought slipped from Junghee’s lips, and only just manages to muster a shy nod as she bites back a smile. She’s so content, so warm. Junghee gives her an award-winning grin before she takes Eunsook’s hand and leads her out of the room, her pile of work left forgotten on the table.