Chapter Text
I’ve been the archer
I’ve been the prey
Screaming who could ever leave me, darling?
But who could stay?
- The Archer, Taylor Swift
And when you hold me you hold me together
And you kiss me in a way that’s gonna screw me up forever
- Suburban Legends, Taylor Swift
The train journey is the same. Harvest Meadows – a tiny town barely bigger than Kilima – is the end of the line, so Sofe doesn’t have to pay any particular attention to the stations as they stop at each one. Eventually the train reaches the terminus, exhaling a big sigh of steam, and Sofe pulls her rucksack down from the rack and heaves it onto her shoulders.
Leta had written to her a couple of weeks ago, out of the blue. You should come spend the summer with us, Sofe. Najuma misses you heaps and I guess I do too. And Saleni’s turned four, it’s about time you got to know her, considering you were one of the first people to hold her. And don’t worry I’ll find plenty of work for you to do so you won’t get bored. You know the City is way too hot in the summer.
Her first thought had been — I can’t go, not now . But then she thought of the beach and the cliffs, the cool fresh air of the Bay. Things had been simpler there. Okay, she’d worked hard helping her sister, but she didn’t mind that — it had been — well, simple. There was work that needed doing so she did it, and when it was done it was done.
And if she went away for the summer her family here would stop going on at her. She was sick of it. She was a grown adult woman, she was heading for thirty, she could make her own decisions about how she wanted to live her life and whatever Tay or Bea or Mom and Dad thought didn’t, shouldn’t matter.
But as soon as she’d left the city she’d known she was making a mistake. Too late now.
One good thing about being invited this time, rather than just turning up, was that as soon as Sofe stepped off the train they were there to meet her. Najuma, shouting “Auntie Sofe! Auntie Sofe!”; and Leta, smiling and holding the hand of a little girl who couldn’t be Saleni, but of course it was, four years old and smiling shyly from behind Leta’s leg; and a bit further back, the Daiya’s farm cart, with Nai’o Daiya on the seat (and goodness, he’d gotten – tall).
It was so good to see them. So good to hug them, to be swept up into the cart, to drive to Leta’s house with Najuma talking non-stop about everything she had to show Sofe when they got there, Saleni starting to speak up after a little while, mainly to talk about how big the train was, and wasn’t Auntie Sofe scared?
“You went on a train when you were a baby, to the City to visit everyone,” Leta tells her, and Saleni falls silent for a long moment, then says “No, I didn’t, I’d remember.”
“You did,” Sofe says. “ I remember when you all came to visit.”
“So do I,” Najuma says. “You and Auntie Tay showed me the workshop.”
“I don’t ‘member,” Saleni says, pouting.
“But you’ll remember this time,” Leta says quickly. “You were only very tiny then. Now you’re a big girl, right?”
Saleni nods, thinking. “Will Auntie Sofe read my story at bedtime?” she asks.
“If you ask her nicely, I’m sure she will.”
“Of course,” Sofe says. “If you want,” and Saleni gives her a little smile then ducks her face, still shy.
“Auntie Sofe, I need to show you my steam engine I made,” Najuma says.
“Outside,” Leta adds quickly. “Tomorrow.”
“Sometimes it goes very fast,” Najuma says cheerfully. “And sometimes it blows up.”
All through dinner Sofe is waiting for it, but they just have a nice meal together at the outdoor kitchen, sernuk chops and mashed potatoes and greens, and then Sofe helps Najuma wash the dishes. After the girls have been put to bed, she braces herself; now she’s alone with Leta she’s bound to have something to say – Tay in particular writes to Leta all the time, it’s impossible that they haven’t discussed What’s Going On With Sofe.
But no. They sit outside at the cleared table, and Leta just asks after their family, and Sofe entertains her with stories about their nieces and nephews and difficult clients at the workshop. It’s nice.
“What work did you want me to help you with?” Sofe asks after a while.
“Oh – I don’t know. You could help me open up a couple of shafts a bit more. It takes forever by yourself. Or in the workshop. There’s always stuff to do.”
“I thought you wanted me here to help you out but now you can’t think of anythin’.”
Leta shrugs. “Maybe we just wanted to see you. Is that allowed?”
Sofe smiles. It’s a nice feeling, to be wanted. It’s been a while since she hasn’t felt like she was in everyone’s way, with everyone mad at her.
“Najuma is desperate to show you that steam engine,” Leta continues. “Make sure you stand well back. Damned if I know what she’s using for fuel but she’s right, it goes like stink when it goes.”
“When it doesn’t blow up.”
“Yeah.” They laugh. “Then it takes her a week to rebuild it. But she always does. I told her we already have steam trains that don’t blow up but this is for when you’re ‘in a really big hurry’ apparently.”
“Well, maybe she’ll find somethin’ else useful on the side while she’s doin’ it.”
“Yeah, exactly. She’s a real clever kid.”
“And maybe some people are in a big enough hurry that they don’t mind blowin’ up a little bit.”
“You never know.”
They laugh again. After a while Leta says “You can go home whenever you want. I mean, if you get bored. I won’t be offended, I know it’s real quiet round here and you ain’t used to that.”
“Sounds like it’s not so quiet when Najuma’s around.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I missed it, here,” Sofe says. “And I missed you, and Najuma, and Saleni was a tiny baby but she seems like a real sweetie – I wouldn’t’ve come if I’d thought you just wanted to send me down the mine.” She leans back in her chair and looks out over the Bay. “Maybe I need some quiet,” she adds, almost to herself. Again she waits for Leta to say something, but she doesn’t.
Najuma and Saleni share Najuma’s old bedroom, so Sofe is on a small temporary bed in the corner of Leta’s room. It feels like an obscenely early hour to be going to bed, but this arrangement means that if Leta’s turning in then Sofe has to as well. Probably the girls will wake them up early in the morning, anyway.
After she’s got into bed and said goodnight Sofe turns over so she’s facing the wall, away from her sister, and pulls the blankets up to her chin. Leta puts out the lamp and Sofe hears her climb into her own bed, then nothing but her breathing. She pulls the blankets over her head.
This was a mistake. Huge, huge mistake. Not coming to see Leta and the girls, that’s fine. But it’s, what, half nine? And she’s lying here trying to sleep, knowing that Jaym is out somewhere, with someone, probably not thinking about Sofe at all. She pictures him by the bar at the Drum, swirling his glass as he flirts, and feels sick to her stomach.
He said he’ll miss me. He had. She’d said she was going to visit her sister for the summer, and he’d said “Really? Well, I’ll miss you, Sofe.” She hugs that to herself. He said he’ll miss me.
But how long for? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, Tay had said, and Sofe had believed her, had thought it was worth a try. She’d show him that she didn’t need him. She’d go to Kilima and help her sister and spend time with her lovely nieces and not think about Jaym at all, and then when she went home he’d be begging for her to come back to him.
Nothing else had worked. So it was worth a try.