Chapter Text
It takes Seonghwa some time to figure it out. Love has never been something easy for him to navigate, or even something that remotely made sense to him. For someone who throws around the words "I love you so" often, the actual meaning of the phrase has always seemed... rather perplexing. Perhaps all these years of repeating it has washed away the feelings that should be attached to the words. It’s like the answer is on the tip of his tongue, but he can't quite make out the flavour or texture. Instead it sits heavy in his mouth; a constant reminder that he'll never figure it out.
He’s definitely had his fair share of instances that he could label as attraction per se. Like that one makeup artist a few years back who made his heart flutter every time she leaned close. He remembers her smelling like citrus and fresh laundry. Or the brief interactions he’d have with fellow idols that left him daydreaming about it for weeks on end… though maybe that was just admiration?
But then there's Kim Hongjoong. Hongjoong who brings upon a plethora of feelings he can't name. Somehow he consistently sneaks his way into every single thought that crosses Seonghwa's mind. He occupies his brain every single minute of the day and its starting to drive him crazy.
Seonghwa sees all the comments from their fans. As much as he plays innocent when talking to them, he truly means it when he says he sees them all. And he isn’t sure how it makes him feel. On multiple occasions he would catch himself shamefully entertaining the ideas his fans are fantasizing about him and Hongjoong. It takes an embarrassing amount of effort to tell his mind to break out of its reverie. Although it leaves him flustered, over time he eventually decides that the unsettling feeling in his stomach isn’t something particularly negative. He wonders if Hongjoong feels the same way.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
Now, standing in the center of the stage with the rest of the group, all of it seems so obvious. As if a vital part of him had been missing his entire life, this new epiphany finally makes him feel whole. And it feels good. Music blasts in his in-ears as he and the rest of the members fool around in between their setlist, laughing and smiling away the painful ache in their muscles. That is always a problem saved for another day.
The energy from their fans seeps straight into the core of his soul, but Seonghwa struggles to even focus on it. Instead, he finds his attention gravitating towards their leader. His feet work on autopilot to follow each and every step he takes. Completely hopeless, he’s already on the other corner of the stage where Hongjoong is reading the many signs being waved at them. He feeds off of the way the cheers only grow louder when the fans see the two of them together.
Hongjoong happily accepts his company, arms out wide to welcome him into a warm embrace. He always has a different air around him when he’s on stage and Seonghwa would devour it if he could. As his arms wrap around Hongjoong’s waist, thousands of streamers shoot out of the cannons around them. Seonghwa’s being truthful when he says it startles him, but he also can’t deny that it was a convenient excuse to pull the other closer into his body. He buries his face into Hongjoong’s neck as everyone laughs at his reaction. He vaguely recalls the staff giving the group a last minute warning earlier about the planned pyrotechnics and confetti, though that was hardly of any importance to him at the time.
The confetti lands perfectly on Hongjoong’s hair, as if they were meticulously placed by one of their stylists. His eyes, big and wide, sparkle under the bright light. That damn adorable smile gracing his beautiful face. Seonghwa wonders if anyone else found the leader as charming as he did.
Actually, scratch that. He’s confident no one else could adore Hongjoong the way he does. How could he have not noticed?
Seonghwa knows that this moment was meant for Atiny and not for him. He really should be following the others who were busy doing their jobs and interacting with their fans. But Seonghwa can’t control what his heart urges him to do. He can’t help the warmth that spreads to his ears, nor the slight quickening of his already fast heartbeat. He allows himself to be selfish just for a moment and cherish the attention Hongjoong is giving him.
Because he is in love.
All those years of excusing his obsession with Hongjoong under the guise of admiration suddenly morphs into something new. Something tangible, something that finally makes sense. It makes him feel whole again. All these years, the missing piece of his heart was in the shape of Hongjoong and he was right in front of him all along.
“I love you,” Seonghwa mouths the words playfully. Unless he shouted, there was no way the other would’ve heard him.
Hongjoong just laughs and returns the sentiment with a little heart formed by his fingers, but that’s enough for him. Seonghwa can't believe he'll get to go home with him, wake up the next day just to see him, spend the rest of their career working with each other again and again. He has an excuse to always be by his side, to hold his hand for no reason, to be the reason for his laughs. Even if it means he’ll only ever love Hongjoong quietly from afar like this, he’ll take it.
Yeah, Seonghwa could get used to this.