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The lights of the cave are bright, growing brighter with every passing second as they heat up, when Tim makes his way towards The Case. He’s just come back from a mission with the team and he’s practically dead on his feet, but this is a tradition he’s upheld since day one and the fact that he might have a sprained ankle isn’t going to stop him. Especially not today.
Bruce was off-world with the Justice League and Dick said he had things to finish up back at the base, so the cave was empty and Tim was left to his own devices at the manor. Not that he wasn't used to that already.
He’s still fully dressed and his body armour feels about ten times its actual weight, but he can’t find the energy to even think about dressing down yet. Instead, he continues shuffling closer to the case, footsteps quiet even on the metal grating.
The case practically sparkles – Alfred must have polished it earlier – and Tim can see himself reflected in it, his face visible in the ‘R’ crest shining on the chest. He lets the tip of his gloved fingers rest lightly on the glass while he stares at the lifeless white lenses of the mask. The only thing he can look at.
Tim closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, balling his hand into a fist where it’s still pressed against the glass.
“Hey, Jason. Um…” Tim frowns and bites the inside of his cheek. He lets out a small, sad-sounding huff of laughter. “It’s been months, nearly a year and still I’m acting like an idiot over this.”
His eyes are still closed; because no matter how many times he’s done this, he still feels like a fake, a pretender. He’s been Robin for a while now and yet he can’t stop thinking that every little thing he does is compared to Jason, every decision he makes is always shadowed in the memory of what Jason would do, how he would do it better. Sometimes he still isn’t sure all of this is real.
On those days he hides out in the cave, memorises everything around him just in case. On those days, he spends extra time with Jason’s memory.
He shakes his arms, his head, and slowly folds his legs beneath himself until he’s seated on the cold grating of the floor. Reconsidering the position, he draws his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them. Tim sighs again and rests his chin on his knees.
“Anyway, today was pretty eventful. Dick even assigned me as leader of Gamma Squad—which was nerve-wracking, if I’m being honest,” A small smile makes its way onto his face, and he lets his gaze drop to the floor in embarrassment. “It was supposed to be a simple mission, but we stumbled upon the Krolotean – um, those were the aliens – base and unfortunately we were discovered… But they retreated and we got the people out before the place self-destructed so it went pretty well. I mean, I guess. For my first try, anyway.”
He’s still not used to admitting fears, but he’s even less inclined to admit when he may have possibly done something right. He stumbles over his words, and feels his face heat up despite the fact that no one is here to hear him.
His still-growing smile freezes and disappears almost instantly. “Dick seemed pretty worried before the mission though, he told me ‘not to die’…” His breath hitches and he rubs at his face, whispering angry and quiet to himself to stop being such an idiot. Tim clenches his hands into fists against his eye sockets and he tries to get a breath in, an almost impossible feat when his chest feels like it’s filled with lead.
“He… He really misses you. Everyone misses you. A lot.”
Tim curls into himself tighter, squeezing his arms around his legs and burrowing his face in the space between his knees and his chest. When he speaks, it’s a muffled whisper into the fabric of his body armor. “They all love you, Jason. Sometimes I… I think they wish you were here instead of me.”
He lets out another shaky breath and swallows, his dry throat making a quiet clicking sound.
“I love you, too. I think I’m in love with you,” He huffs out a quiet, self-depreciating laugh. “How stupid is that? It’s… It’s probably the idea of you. You’re the Robin I want to be, and-“ He stops, unsure.
“And I miss you, Jason.”
Tim thinks it’s about time he called it a night. There’s no point in him spilling all of his feelings to an empty suit, and it won’t make him feel better anyway.
He would know, it’s not the first night it’s happened.
He uncurls from the tight shape he’d taken and stretches his legs out in front of him, reaching forward to touch his toes – ever mindful of the swelling ankle – he lets his back pop and crack. He sighs again and stands up slowly.
Before turning away, he rests his hand against the case one more time, fingers splaying out wide. He closes his eyes and whispers a quiet apology.
“I’ll speak to you tomorrow. Goodnight.”