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Ben is not crazy. No, he just has coping mechanisms. The dice that he imagines in his head when he makes decisions are just to help him understand the outcome. Trying to keep track of time in the underworld was a way to know that he was still alive in some way. Not questioning why his friends can’t meet his eyes when he brings up how he died is just keeping the conversation light.
He had questioned it, though, when Rhirric made some comments that he got stuck on. Though, any words said that night were overshadowed by the fact that he’d kissed Tobias immediately after.
But still, after all that, he’s still left with questions. And he’s starting to feel a little crazy, in all honesty. It’s been over a year since he’s died. His brother has spent their birthday alone. And Ben can’t be sure when it even passed.
And then the city is on fire. And he can finally put a face to the name everyone so lovingly talks about. And even though she can’t see or hear anything, she is struggling as much as she can against Tobias’ hold. He swears she was biting at the air at some point. When Buchner steps out of the fancy magic teleportation circle, Ben wonders if he should be doing the same, though his feet stay firmly in place light takes them and they’re suddenly back on the ship.
The very first thing she does is send a spell flying at Tobias. He takes it just fine, of course he does, but that’s doesn’t stop Ben from stepping between them. She’s angry, but her confusion at his face, his face that’s new to her, stops before she can automatically move to cast anything else.
She’s a lot like her brother, in terms of looks and her argumentative personality. And she’s not anything like what has been described to him. She’s a maelstrom of strong emotions, though anyone might be in her situation. She’s nice, he thinks, as Tobias introduces them. She’s avoiding Ben’s eyes, but she’s locked on Tobias’. She hasn’t looked anywhere else, didn’t even notice his mouth or the scar or anything.
The sidebar is strange. Though maybe that’s normal for them. She’s much more opinionated then anyone let on, too. And she’s saying so much without saying anything at all. If only he could understand her.
He and Tobias are left alone for a few minutes so she can talk to Brick. Only a few minutes. And then they hear it. Wailing grief. Sobs from her shaking form as she falls to her knees. Ben is moving before he even realizes it, and he reaches her first. Then Mei(he’s pretty sure that’s her name), and then Tobias.
She’s inconsolable. He’s not sure she can breathe through her own cries, much less explain what happened. Still, they all regonize it well enough. She’s just lost something.
He walks away, back to his room- her room, he learned, he’d stolen it. He’s going to clear it out for her, she’ll need somewhere to rest. She’s calmed down when Tobias and Mei bring her down, and they leave without question when she dismisses them. He feels a bit crazy for staying, but he’s seen this before. He knows how it goes, shutting down to avoid processing what’s happened. She needs someone to stay, so he does. He disguises it as he’s still gathering his stuff, but he didn’t have much to begin with.
But when she’s finally calmed down, when she cuts off his ramblings and very softly says that he shouldn’t be helping her, he feels the most sane he’s felt in ages. Because it’s one thing to put a face to the name that his friends speak of as a savior of some kind, and it’s entirely another to put a face to his own killer.
He stays quiet as she explains. He doesn’t leave. Not until she’s done. And still, he doesn’t know what to say. Somehow he can’t direct his new, burning rage at her right now. Not after everything he’s seen today, not after everything he’s heard about her life.
When he asked five months ago, Tobias had dismissed the comments Rhirric made, found a way to redirect the conversation.
‘He knows,’ it’s a cruel thought that he can’t stop himself from thinking. ‘He’s known since he met me.’
Ben Trawler isn’t crazy. He may have been played for a lovestruck fool, but he is not crazy. And he will not be made to feel as much.
—
The conversation doesn’t go as planned. He’s able to say the words, at least. He’s able to say it’s over. Except in the end it’s not over. Because he fully completely appreciates and owns up to everything, and Ben can only think to kiss him. He’s still angry. He makes that clear.
Something must be wrong with him, maybe he actually is crazy. Because it’s not over. And he did kiss him, and he is staying. To be completely honest with himself, Ben knew what he was getting into with this man. He knew there’d be secrets and things he didn’t completely get. He knew there’d be damage that he couldn’t hope to fix.
He knew he’d probably get burned along the way, he just didn’t think it’d be this bad.
And now the ship is flying. That part is crazy. He knew it’d happen eventually but today of all days is just a lot. Looking down at the mask in his hand, Tobias’ mask in his hand, he decides it’s best to shove his feelings down for now. There’s too much going on to deal with it right now. There’s no need to risk anything over this right now.
Still, at least he’s sure he’s not crazy.