Archive of Our Own

Out of all the things Kim Dan expected Joo Jaekyung to do, hugging him, or showing any sign of affection towards him for that matter, was not on his bingo card. He stood still, trying to answer the million questions running through his mind, trying to “savour” the moment as much as he could, and just trying to ignore the sick, sick feeling of hope that was creeping up on him. It was just a hug, right? Two arms, of the strongest MMA fighter no less, were wrapped around his body. Just normal stuff, right?

Before he could spiral any more, he pushed the other man away. Not today, Jaekyung. Not ever. He had his feelings played around with, he was played around with, and nothing was going to change the way that he now looked at his boss, his roommate, his former crush. Absolutely nothing. And yet, when he looked up, and for a split second saw the shock (and worry?) in Jaekyungs eyes, something in him couldn’t help but break a little. Yet that facial expression of his changed as fast as it had come, into anger. 

“What are you doing here? Why didn’t you text me where you were going? Don’t you know that people worry?” The raven-haired man shouted, as he always did. 

“You’re seriously asking me what I’m doing? What are you doing? Why did you jump on the boat like that? You could have seriously gotten hurt!” Kim Dan retorted. He couldn’t believe the nerve this man had. Out of all the things Joo Jaekyung could’ve said in that moment, that was surely the worst one. Seriously, the pot was calling the kettle black.

But before they could argue any further, a police officer of ran up to them, a mix of worry and seriousness painted all over his face. Looking at Joo Jaekyung he spoke in a firm voice: “Sir, we need to bring you down to the station, to fill out paperwork and ask you some questions, as your behaviour tonight could’ve seriously hurt someone, not just yourself. Please step away so I can handcuff you properly.”

***

Driving the sports car, it slowly dawned on Kim Dan that he had no idea what he was doing in this exact moment. Absolutely none. His reasonable side, or at least, the one that still had any self respect left, begged, pleaded with him to go back home, or to at least not go to the police station to go check on and pick up his boss. If he did so, aside from the fact that it would leave him with the little speck of self respect he had left, he would also avoid the potential car crash that was looming over his head. He had taken driving lessons in the past, but this was a whole new experience, to say the least. His old car could never compare to mr. Joo’s, not only because of the speed, but also because of all the new buttons this vehicle had. One for air conditioning, one for the window, and a… red one? Not wanting to make himself any more of a liability, he quickly focused back on the road ahead of him. Now was not the time to do something stupid. Besides, he would’ve surely had to come later on, to pick Jaekyung up, right? 

When he arrived at his destination, and somehow miraculously parked, he entered the tall gray building, heading to, what he assumed to be, the secretary’s office. 

“Hello, sorry to disturb you this late in the night, but could you please tell me where Joo Jaekyung is or if he’s even here? I’m his neighbour, and i’ve come to pick him up, as he’s left his car behind.”, he asked apologetically. 

“Yes, thank you for coming. You must be Kim Dan and you’re actually listed as his emergency contact. We tried to reach you multiple times, but you weren’t answering. Do you not have your phone on your person? Also, before I forget, please give me your documents, and fill out this form.” she said, smiling, handing him a piece of paper and a pen. 

The instructions were quite clear and simple, but Kim Dan still had trouble carrying them out, as yet another question plagued him: why was he his emergency contact? But come to think of it, who else could he call in this small town, if not him? Not his colleagues, nor anyone the MMA fighter knew, as they all lived in Seoul. But nonetheless, it was still weird.

He gave all of the requested things to the secretary, like she had asked him to, and headed towards the room, where Joo Jaekyung was waiting for him. Even though the distance between the secretary’s office and the cell was short, he felt like he was walking a mile with shoes that weighed a thousand tonnes each. It was gruelling to say the least. 

When he opened the door, Kim Dan was immediately blinded by how bright the room was, and quickly shielded his eyes with his arm. The walls were painted white, reflecting the light from the gigantic lamp that was hanging on the ceiling, while two flimsy chairs, divided by a desk, stood in the middle of the room. Joo Jaekyung, on the other hand, leaned against the wall, arms crossed and an unpleasant look painted on his face. Strangely however, as soon as his eyes fell on the brunette, his features softened and he stopped leaning on the wall, deciding to stand properly on his two feet instead. Strange, strange indeed. 

“I am here for two things, and two things only.” Kim Dan declared in a monotone voice, as he closed the door and sat down on one of the chairs, “and if you please sit down, we can get this over with quickly, with no hard feelings whatsoever.” 

Eager to hear what the other man had to say, Joo Jaekyung quickly sat down, almost as if his life depended on it. With a nod, he motioned for the therapist to continue.

“Since we are in, what I can only hope to be, a soundproof room, I’m going to take the chance to talk to you about your behaviour in general, but specifically tonight, and why for the love of the heavens you decided to come to this town, to hound me. 

I’ll also remind you that I, for whatever reason, am your emergency contact, and if I really wanted to, could leave you here for as long as I please, because I doubt that the police don’t have anything else to do except bring you back home. You also have the money to pay for a taxi, as you have shown me multiple times, so please be careful with your wording, because my patience has its limits.” 

In what he could only hope to be a straight, ice-cold face, Kim Dan looked at Joo Jaekyung’s reaction, which was really quite the spectacle to see. He was clearly taken aback, by his words and tone alike, which he recognised by how his eyebrows were tightly knit together and how tight his fists were clenched. 

“Let us start with the easier topic out of the two: why did you come to this town, and how did you find me? I seriously doubt that either Heesung or Potato told you, but it seems to be the only logical explanation here. So please, do speak, and do not lie.” It was now the therapists turn to cross his arms, while the MMA fighter slumped down on his chair, with a challenging look on his face.

“Look, Kim Dan,” he sneered, “I know that this situation is quite peculiar for the both of us, but I still fail to understand how my whereabouts or actions concern you. The fact that we are neighbours can hardly count as a reason for you to stick your nose into my business, right? I mean, at this point, I might as well ask you why you’re drinking all the time, drowning your feelings in alcohol, but you’re not seeing me do that now are you? You may be my ride home, but I am still your pay-check, so I would advise you not to threaten me.”

Now this was the Joo Jaekyung Kim Dan knew. Always going on the offensive, never showing his true feelings, and still being so disrespectful towards his elders.

“Well, Mr. Joo, I’ll also remind you that you are not the only one who pays me. I’m still a therapist at the hospital, who just happens to be your physical therapist as well. And unlike you, I don’t really have a problem sharing my past, or my problems. I certainly don’t throw them around like the newest hot gossip in town, but if someone asks me what i’m feeling, or what i’m thinking about, I’ll gladly sit down and have a chat with them, thank you.” 

How dare Joo Jaekyung attack him like that. Just who did he think he was? As far as Dan knew, wasn’t he the one running around the dock like a madman and hugging him in the end, as a cherry on top?!  How exactly was that not his business?!

“I’ll continue to be petty: as you may have already guessed, my life hasn’t exactly been sunshine’s and rainbows. Not now, and surely not then. You see, I never knew my parents. I’ve never seen them, or heard of them. And because of that, I was given to my guardian angel, also known as my grandmother. But my life from then on was pretty rocky nonetheless, because when I was little, there were loan sharks hounding my grandmother day and night, and I could only watch. So as soon as the day came, where I was finally of the age where I could work, you best bet that I buried myself in work, school wise and on the job. You can also guess by now that I was burned out, and that my mental state was a mess.

“Many years later, in basically the same living conditions, I graduated from medical school and started working at a hospital. Back then, I was naïve, and thought that with my ‘high’ salary, I could pay off the debt that me and my grandmother had accumulated over the years. But imagine my surprise, when one day a doctor called me into his office, and assaulted me! There was definitely backlash, but it was towards me. Me. Can you believe that? It was also then when i started drinking, as around the same time my grandmother fell ill with cancer. Or that’s when she got admitted to the hospital, that is. And a couple of months later, I found you. Another man that wanted to use me for my body, like everyone else did. And for some reason, I even fell for you. I actually worked another job to pay for the gift I got for you, can you believe that? And what did you do? You threw it at me, as if i had placed a bomb in your hands! And that, unfortunately was not my wake up call, as that came much, much later. It was only recently, when had you accused me of changing the pain relief spray that I finally asked myself what I was doing there. You clearly didn’t want me, care for me or even look at me if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. And then I left. So imagine my surprise, when you showed up in this god forsaken place, after I had so beautifully said goodbye to you, and to everyone. That’s why i’m drinking. To avoid my situation, my debt, and most of all you. So please, what do you have to say for yourself?“

“I do.” 

“What?”

“I do.”

“Mr. Joo, you aren’t getting married at the moment, nor is this a church, so what do you mean with ‘I do’?”

“I do care for you. ”

Kim Dan hadn’t even realised that he stood up during his rant, until he felt like he was going to faint. Or that he was lightheaded. So, he slowly sat down, and started to giggle manically, until it turned into a laugh. 

The sound filled the room for quite a while, until it abruptly stopped. The therapist looked up at the other man, shaking his head, while a mocking smile lingered on his lips.

“Out of all the things to say in this moment mr. Joo, this is most definitely not the one I anticipated or the one I hoped for, if you can still call it hope. But since the cat is out of the bag, what makes you think I believe you? 

The water you so nicely splashed on my face certainly didn’t show the care you had for me, nor did any of your past actions, really. The hug you gave me is debatable, but I’m sure you have an excuse already prepared for that as well. And, just to clarify, and to purposefully be obtuse, I mean caring in a loving way, not the kind of care a master has for its thing.”

“I do care about you.” Joo Jaekyung repeated, like it was all he could do. Just repeating the same sentence while staring into nothing.

“Okay, fine, you do care about me. But why? There has to be a specific reason.”

Kim Dan pressed on. It looked like his boss was willing to admit anything in this moment, and he was not going to let that chance slip by, although he did feel like his patience was slowly coming to its end. 

“I just do. I don’t know.” 

“What do you mean you don’t know? Is there seriously nothing that comes to mind? Nothing? Mr. Joo, you have to stop giving me these vague, and honestly disappointing, answers, or I do swear that you’re spending the night here, in jail.

So let’s try it again: why do you care about me?”

“I DON’T KNOW OKAY?! I. JUST. DON’T. KNOW.” 

Joo Jaekyung shot out of his chair, towering over his physical therapist, who on the other hand, incredulous, refused to back down from a challenge, and stood up as well.

“THERES NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT COMES TO MIND?! WHEN SOMEONE ELSE WILL ASK YOU WHY YOU CARE FOR THEM, IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO ANSWER?! HUH?!”

Both men were now screaming their hearts out, like there was no tomorrow.

“Mr. Joo,” Kim Dan continued, “I am frustrated, confused, and most of all, stressed. By you, and my situation. When nothing comes to your mind, it makes me feel like you don’t actually care, that you’re just saying stuff like that in order to make me feel better, and to return to you to help with your ji-“

“HOW, can I not care about you?” The raven-haired man interrupted, angrily staring at the person before him. The look on his face was hard to describe, showing worry, annoyance, and overall displeasure. 

Kim Dan was about to ask for more clarification on the matter, but the MMA fighter strangely beat him to it. 

“Kim Dan,” he continued, “I want to make something very clear to you: I did not come to this town to persuade you to come back to Seul with me, because of my Jinx. You can rest assured. It may have started out like that, your sudden departure surely left me dumbfounded and angry, showed by my actions towards you. I do care about you as well. I cannot point my finger at it, for whatever reason, but whenever you’re away, I feel …empty. The events tonight also helped me clarify a few things for myself, namely my feelings, for you. So let your takeaway be this: Kim Dan, I have feelings for you.”

The silence was palpable to say the least, stretching over a couple of minutes. Both stared intensely into each others eyes, not wanting to be the first one to “let go”. But alas, after what felt like an eternity, Kim Dan closed his eyes and sat down once again, his fighting spirit, and his adrenaline, finally letting go. 

With a heavy tongue, he began to speak: “Mr.Joo, these are kind words, but alas, like it always is with us, the situation is worsening: why would you confess to me now? Out of all times, out of all places?  I want to believe you, I really do, but you must understand that my feelings towards you, how I look at you as a whole, have changed, sadly. I hate to say it, but I don’t share those sentiments towards you. But-” He took a deep breath, and all the courage that was still left in him, 

“- I’m willing to give you another chance. A way to “win me over,” one could say. You just need to show me, however you want, just keep my preferences in mind, that you care about me. And then maybe, in the end, you’ll even tell me why.”

That was surely going to bite him in the butt later, surely. But taking a leap of faith was always a good choice of action, his grandmother would say. So, taking another deep breath, he waited for the other man’s response. Fortunately, he didn’t have to wait long, as Joo Jaekyung was ready to open his mouth again.

“I agree. With everything you just said. And I also want to thank you, for giving me another chance. Really. When do I start?” He looked down at Kim Dan, with a hopeful twinkle in his eyes, waiting for him to respond. 

“As soon as possible, really.” Kim Dan retorted. At that moment, for the millionth time tonight, black eyes met brown eyes. Hope met hopelessness. 

“Sure,” The younger man voiced. “Let’s get you out of this station, then.” 

And out the door he walked. One could still hear his shoes squeaking from all the water that was trapped in them. Kim Dan quickly followed him, not wanting this slim chance at happiness to slip by. Not now, not ever.