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Adorable.
She has heard this word a million times since she was a small child but what does that word really mean?
Whenever she was called adorable by her parents, she felt really small like she was about to get crushed. A heavy and suffocating feeling.
Vision of her provider pops in her head, the bloody memory she desperately buried in the past. That word probably means she's weak and fragile. Someone that's easy to crush.
When she was young Shine bought her a TV because she seems bored. All of her days consisted of her just floating in her small bubble watching whatever is on.
Alien Stage drew her in, she saw loser contestants fall to their deaths. An out of this prison. She must enter this contest at all costs.
Mizi felt peace at last when she arrived at the fake garden. At least here she can breathe easily.
Finding someone to befriend is hard right off the bat but it seems like fate is on her side when her eyes caught sight of Sua. The snowflake doll that she once saw before, the kid slightly older than her, weak and fragile like Mizi.
She wanted to approach her but decided against it, her shyness getting the better of her. I'll just find the right timing. She always find herself drawn to Sua, her eyes trained to follow her.
One day during their mandatory play time, Mizi was just staring out into space, she heard Sua's angelic singing. She spent most of her free time secretly listening to Sua singing. Before she knew it, a month has passed and she still hasn't had the courage to approach her.
Absentmindedly singing Sua's song, Mizi was heard by her.
"Is that my song?"
"Eeep!" A squeek escaped Mizi.
"Sorry, I just kind of picked up on it because I like hearing you sing! It makes me feel better." A sheepish smile crept on Mizi's face.
"Oh. T-That's fine, I was just surprised someone knows my song." Cheeks flushing with a hint of pink, Sua offered her a kind smile.
"By the way, what's your name?"
"Mizi."
Going into adulthood, Mizi continued to collect more unfamiliar words.
Love, desire, and lust. These are the new words added to her vocabulary.
Love makes Mizi feel weird. She knows or rather feel that Shine "loved" her in her own way, the way that pet owners care for their pets. This is the kind of love that suffocated Mizi but one that she appreciated because she needed it to cling on for her to live.
Mizi is certain that what she feels for Sua is also love but it's not familiar at all. Sua looked like someone who is easy to crush, so adorable. And when someone is adorable it makes sense that you love them.
Desire and lust go hand in hand. Mizi felt it when she saw Sua with her long hair down. She looked majestic, pure, like a porcelain doll that is meant to be held with care. It also made her act irrational and jealous.
"Unnie do you find Acorn adorable?"
"What?" Confusion adorns Sua's face.
"I heard from Ivan that Acorn is interested in you."
At the mention of Ivan's name, Sua felt her annoyance shoot up.
"You shouldn't listen to him anyway, all I care about is you Mizi." Sua gently caressed her face, as if to calm her, and for the most part it worked.
"Really?"
Sua nodded.
"Can you prove it?"
"Prove what?"
"That you really care for me."
Sua contemplated if she should humor Mizi. She would punch Ivan if this is another of his schemes.
"I'm all yours, if that's what you are asking for." Sua gently kissed her forehead, then both the side of her cheeks, and finally she placed a peck on her lips.
Pinkish hue consumed Mizi's face up to the top of her ears. It was more than she can handle at that time.
"Unnie you're adorable, do you know that?"
They were laying down on the grass when Mizi asked Sua that question. For some reason Sua felt that it wasn't a compliment but she's not the one to ask further. More importantly something else is eating her inside.
Ivan called Sua a hypocrite when he knew what she was trying to do, that she was twisted like him. Who could blame her? Sua was only protecting Mizi, her Mizi. She must not know she wasn't aiming for a tie.
Mizi heard from their lectures that humans worship God and based on her limited knowledge. Gods are beings capable of accepting everyone regardless of status, gender, etc. and They are also known to be forgiving.
In her entire life only one could ever fill that role and that is—her Sua unnie.
"Must be nice, right?"
How could her God and Universe say this to her face? The same hateful words that disgusting boy said to her. That is just so awful.
Slap!
Before she knew it, her palm had connected to Sua's face. Oh no, she would hate me now.
"S-sorry, I-I'm sorry." Tears streaming down her face, Sua just smiles amidst it all and embraces her.
Mizi is mistaken, Sua is really her God. She forgives and accepts all of her. Even the darkest parts of her that Sua doesn't know.
After that Mizi saw less of Sua, days and weeks passed, the distance between the two of them makes her uneasy. She can't bear it if Sua hated her. She only has Sua, Mizi doesn't know anyone who can measure up to Sua's importance in her life. Maybe you could call her obsessed.
As if luck is on her side this time. She heard footsteps coming near their shared dorm room. The door opened and Sua looked like she was barely alive.
"You still up?" Tired eyes met with her anxious eyes.
"Can't sleep. Don't worry I won't bother you, you looked tired please rest unnie." Mizi offered her a weak smile.
Sua didn't reply and just nodded, clearly having no energy left in her.
"Oh and unnie, can we please talk after you wake up, if you have free time?"
Tomorrow came and Sua seemed even more distant. Mizi gave her enough space but Alien Stage is approaching, they need to talk about their game plan.
"Sua unnie are we not good?"
"It's not us but me." Sua didn't elaborate and refused to meet her eyes.
Mizi feels skeptical but she knew she needed to trust her. Sua knew what the best is for them.
"You know you can tell me anything unnie." Mizi tried to reassure her.
"Mom is just being the usual, nothing to worry your pretty head about." Sua fears that any more weakness she shows to Mizi would be her downfall. She needs to protect Mizi's innocence.
There is that annoying word again. Pretty. Mizi hates hearing that word, Sua means well but she hates it coming out of her mouth. A sliver hint of anger makes it way to Mizi's face and she saw Sua smirking at her.
Mizi turned her back on her, just to calm her head. This is not worth something to lose her composure to.
Sua slowly wrapped her arms around her, she nuzzles into her. Delightful that her words had reached inside Mizi's heart. She loves it when Mizi shows her true face. No one has the opportunity to see this, only her.
Mizi slightly tensed at the contact but eventually relaxed when her unnie didn't utter another word.
"I love you Mizi." Because of this, she slowly turned around and reached for Sua's face.
"I love you too unnie." She cradled her God's face in both of her hand and kissed her.
Any type of confrontation leads to them in their bed. It seems like actions speak louder than words. They let their body communicate for themselves.
Thrusts and moans fill up the abandoned room that they're in.
"Agh– y-you're rougher than usua–" Sua can't get to finish her sentence when Mizi slided herself in a little harder.
"I can't help it, you look adorable unnie."
Mizi cages her in, kisses her gently while roughly pounding her.
Sua shudders at the thought of getting filled to the brim.
Some sick part of Mizi wanted to see her perfect face—to not only contort with pleasure but also with tears. Just the thought of her God and Universe at her mercy was enough to get her to finish.
In and out.
In and out.
Mizi lowered her hand on her unnie's stomach, pressing down just enough to feel her entire length pulsate inside of her velvet walls.
"One more please?"
"I can't, I just came." Sua, her fragile God looked pathetic, with flushed cheeks and eyes glazed over.
"You can unnie, I know you can."
Mizi shuts her up by kissing her passionately, their tongues meet and playing with the loose dress, she busied her hands on Sua's small but perky breasts.
"Hnnng-" Sua came again while arching her back, like a bow stretched—ready to fire.
"Mizi!-" Sua reached out to her. Her gorgeous face glistening with tears because of overstimulation.
"Shh- I'm here unnie." She tenderly embraced her while she prompted Sua to sink down on her slowly so they can both be in a sitting position while she's buried deep inside of her.
Mizi finds peace when they're tangled together. It feels so intimate and that they are connected in body and soul.
Finally she's at equal standing with the one she considers her divinity.
But nothing ever gets solved or communicated properly when there are no words involved.
I'm all alone now. This singular statement hasn't sink in and guilt is eating Mizi alive.
Unnie, why didn't you tell me?
You always knew what dying is right? Why did you let me believe that getting a tie is possible?
If I had known, I wouldn't stood still like an idiot. I wouldn't have left you like that.
I don't have anything Sua-unnie.
Since I live in a universe without you, I want to follow you.
Maybe it is wrong of her to want freedom. From the very start that she joined, for the reason that death feels more freeing than being a pet of the segyeins. She joined so she can die in her own terms.
Sua is an anomaly, Mizi's not supposed to fall for her but who can blame her, her God and her Universe is all that she needed to feel whole—the one who makes her feel alive. Love is indeed a strange word in Mizi's vocabulary but she will never regret loving Sua. Her mindset changed, she found one good reason to stay fighting, to continue surviving.
This has got to be a cruel joke on her. Sua dying is her karma for voluntarily joining this shit show. This wasn't meant to happen. They originally agreed on a tie, if only she had trained harder or she should have done something. She knew what she was signing up for but it was foolish of her to believe there was hope, hope that there would be a happy ending after Alien Stage. Choosing to be ignorant and let Sua be in her position is her sin.
I am a monster, she didn't deserve to die, it should've been me.
She was being punished for thinking she can outsmart that damn game.
All she can do is hug her knees and cry like she was crying when her biological mom died in front of her. All of Mizi—her dream, her entire being, her hope—crumble at the sight of Sua getting killed in her face. Sua died but it was Mizi who feels like getting crushed.