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You and Seong-je have been friends for God knows how long. You were there in every single event that has happened in his life; his birthdays, the moment when he became Ganghak's top dog, the time when he got beaten up by Na Baek-jin from Yeo-il High– heck, you were even there when he got circumcised. And other more stories that are too many to be told.
Seong-je grew up to be an attractive teenager, and you sure did grow feelings for him too. It started back in 1st year of middle school, when another girl from class asked him to partner up for a project, he said yes without hesitation. It wasn’t a big deal– he didn’t owe you anything. But for the rest of the day, your mood was weird, and your chest felt tight every time you saw them talk. You didn’t say anything, but later, you wrote in your journal: Why do I feel like this?
After a year of brushing it off and denying it to yourself, you realized that you do like him. It was your 13th birthday. You read the birthday card he gave you for the third time that night– something about “being stuck with you forever” and how you “make everything better, even math.” It was written in his messy handwriting with a doodle of your inside joke. You laughed... then blinked. Why did it make you feel like crying and smiling at the same time? It wasn’t just a nice card. It was him. And you finally realized you wanted him to mean every word.
And now, you're both 18. Six years since you realized you indeed have a crush on him.
You know you don't have a chance with him. He's a whole different person now. All brawls and knuckles. While he grew up to be an attractive boy, he grew to be a violent one too. Even so, it doesn't change the fact that he still treats you like you're the only special girl in his life. And sometimes, that treatment makes your heart ache knowing that he doesn't mean all of those romantically.
It's finally the last week of high school, and you have finally decided that you will now stop all this pretending and tell him about your feelings. You're not a little kid crushing on her best friend anymore, you're almost an adult, so it's time to be mature and muster up your feelings for him too. You thought– since you're graduating from high school, why not graduate from everything else– including him, right?
You know it'll hurt so bad. I mean– six years? you have loved him more than a friend for six whole years. Six whole years of thinking of no other boys but him. Six whole years of refusing to date anyone if it's not him. Six whole years having your confession delayed, because anytime you muster up the courage to tell him, a sudden girlfriend will appear out of nowhere– or because he's too heartbroken because the said girlfriend broke up with him. Talk about wrong timing, huh?
So now you're here with him. On a restricted convenience store rooftop where both of you will always sneak in since first year of highschool without the clerk knowing.
"So, what's your plan for college?" He asked, leaning against the railing, as he stared at the moon above, a cigarette between his lips– not smoked. Because he knows you hated it when he smoked.
"I got accepted in SNU, so yeah.." You said, sitting on the floor.
He hummed, "Anyway, you called me up here. What's up?" Then he finally looked at you.
You sighed, fingers shaking as you felt your heart thumping faster, "Seong-je." You clenched your fist to stop yourself from shaking.
"What? Come on, spit it out, man." He said, finally sitting down beside you.
"Well.. you see– I love you, Seong-je."
You stopped. He stopped. You feel like your heart is going to stop. You feel like the whole world stopped.
"I love you. I love you, and it's been six years since I have." Your voice broke as well as your sob.
You felt like hundreds and hundreds of weights finally dropped from your shoulders. You let out a broken exhale you didn't knew that you've been holding in for six years.
He just stared at you, slightly shocked. He watched as you sobbed, both hands covering your face, shaking.
Seong-je doesn't know what he's going to do. It's probably the moonlight that made the atmosphere weird– because he grabbed your face to make you look at him, and wiped your tears. He leaned in close. Closer. Then you felt it, his lips pressed against yours. He pulled away for a second to shortly look at you in the eyes, then he leaned in for another kiss. This time, it's not a long peck. He moved his lips, and you started moving yours too. You didn't know how, but before you know it, his tounge entered yours.
It was a messy make-out. It felt good, but it felt.. wrong. You can't feel it from him. It felt forced. And you hated it.
You pushed him away gently as you pulled away. You didn't said anything before standing up. You didn't said anything before leaving the rooftop. You didn't reply when he texted you saying he's sorry. When you got home, you couldn't stop crying more. You dashed to your room when you heard your mom asking you what's wrong.
You ignored him in school the next day. The wound from the obvious rejection from last night is still pretty fresh– and it sure as hell hurts.
You're not dense. You could feel him staring you down everytime you walk pass him the hallway. You're not deaf either, because you could hear him calling out your name everytime you pass by him.
Then graduation came. You felt empty, knowing you wouldn't be able to celebrate it with Seong-je.
Graduation finished and you're now in front of your porch. You see him walking towards your house. When he saw you sitting in front of the porch, he ran.
"Come on, let's talk." He obviously didn't take no for an answer because he practically drag you to walk with him– holding your arm tightly to make sure you don't escape.
It was silent at first– it was as if he didn't know where to start. Then there it came, "I'm sorry, okay?" He quietly said.
You chuckled softly, "Why are you saying sorry, Seong-je? It's not your fault you don't love me." You replied, trying to hide the bitterness away.
He stopped on his track, which caused you to stop too. He sighed as he turns to you, "I do love you. Just... not the way you wanted me to."
"I didn't know what got in me that night. I shouldn't have kissed you. It was wrong, and I'm sorry."
You chuckled at that. It's rare to hear Seong-je say the word sorry. Back then you have to force it out from him before he could say it.
"I already know I don't have a chance with you in the first place. I only said it because aside from graduating high school, I also wanted to graduate from you, Seong-je."
"But you know, it hurts so much, Seong-je. It hurts when you kissed me– because why? Why would you do that if you knew you only see me as a friend? Why would you hurt me more?" You couldn't help but break down in tears.
He clenched his jaw and dropped his head down.
"'Cause I thought maybe I could try to love you back if I did. I thought maybe if I kissed you– maybe.. just maybe I'd feel the spark."
"But you didn't.."
"Yeah.. I'm sorry."
You wiped your tears, nodding, "It's okay, Seong-je. I understand."
"Ice cream...? Let's get your favorite flavor." He looked at you, hopeful.
You shook your head, "No, thank you." He smiled as he nodded, understanding what you meant.
You let him walk you back to your house for the last time. Said goodbye to him for the last time. Hugged him for the last time. Because you know your friendship won't feel the same way. You know at some point that the both of you will drift apart from each other– that soon, he wouldn't be the same Seong-je you used to know.