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Buck couldn’t breathe. Well, he can, but only in short, labored breaths. He stared at his disheveled reflection—cheeks flushed, his hair a mess, marks on his neck that were definitely going to bruise in the morning—and his hands were gripping the sink so hard his knuckles turned white.
He’s not sure what happened, really. One moment he was sitting on the couch having a movie marathon with Eddie. It was late, Chris had gone off to bed, there were empty pizza boxes and a few beer bottles cluttering the coffee table, and Buck’s arm was slung around Eddie’s shoulders—his body a comfortable furnace—it was perfect.
Buck just had to go and ruin it all. The memory was stuck on repeat in his head like a broken record.
”Hey, Eddie” Buck said when the movie they were watching cut to a commercial break.
”Yeah?” Eddie shifted to look at Buck.
”You ever been with a man? Since you know...” Eddie came out to Buck about a month ago. Buck recalls the fear in Eddie’s eyes in that moment; he was so scared that Buck would be disgusted with him. Ha, like that would ever happen. Eddie knew Buck was bisexual; maybe that’s why he felt so comfortable opening up to him despite Eddie’s past of not being able to talk about his feelings.
Buck felt Eddie’s body tense up against him. “Oh, uh..no, I haven’t. Guess I haven’t really gotten the chance to go out and meet anybody.” Eddie leaned forward and placed his beer bottle on the already crowded table. Buck could feel the tension practically radiating off of him.
”I uh, didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. It’s personal; I should’ve never asked in the first place.” Buck said, desperately trying to calm his best friend’s nerves.
Eddie’s face flushed, out of embarrassment probably. “No, no, it’s fine.” He spoke, avoiding eye contact. “I want to..do stuff..with a man, I guess. I just haven’t found the right moment.”
“The right moment?” Buck questioned with an amused smirk.
Eddie’s face flushed a deeper red—if that were even possible—“You know what I mean! Like, I can’t just go out and sleep with a stranger, man.”
Now, Buck has no idea what in God’s name possessed him to say what he said next.
”I’m not a stranger.”
”Huh?” Eddie turned to face Buck.
”I just mean that- I’m a man. A man that you know. So if you ever wanted to..y’know..experiment..I wouldn’t be opposed to it.” Buck said, a wave of confidence washing over him.
”Are you serious? ‘Cause if you’re fucking with me Buck, I swear-“
”I’m serious.” Buck interrupted. “And besides, you never got to meet Buck 1.0”
The commercial break was over, not that either of them were even paying attention to the movie anymore. Buck’s heated gaze fell to Eddie’s lips. God, he wanted that, so bad. But he couldn’t. No, he had to let Eddie make the first move—to not scare him off.
His prayers must’ve been answered because without a word Eddie leaned in, capturing Buck’s lips in a deep kiss. It wasn’t soft or gentle; it was fierce and passionate. It held all the force of a man starved. Eddie’s hands gripped Buck’s face, pulling him closer. Reaching and begging for every inch of Buck that he could get his hands on. Buck’s hands rested on Eddie’s hips, even slipping down to grip his—perfect—ass.
Eddie’s attention shifted to Buck’s belt. Making quick work of the buckle, he slid Buck’s jeans down to his thighs. A warm, slick heat settled between Buck’s legs. Then, it hit Buck like a train. How could he have forgotten? He quickly brushed Eddie’s hands off of him and slid his pants back up; he stood up abruptly.
“I uh- I have to go to the bathroom!” Buck stumbled past the couch and into the bathroom, where he shut and locked the door behind him. That’s how he found himself in his current predicament: breathless and flushed like an idiot with his pants unbuttoned.
Buck ran his fingers through his messy hair in an effort to calm himself. He felt like the biggest asshole on Earth. Eddie, his very attractive best friend, was in the other room—practically giving himself to Buck—and he screwed it up. Eddie, the man he would literally lay his life on the line for, was probably wracking his brain trying to figure out what he did wrong when it wasn’t him at all. It was Buck. Buck had gotten lost in the moment and forgotten that he’s not what Eddie wants. He can’t give Eddie what he needs.
There was a knock on the door that pulled Buck out of his thoughts. “Buck! You okay in there?” Hearing Eddie’s voice was like a bucket of ice water had just been thrown on Buck’s head. Yeah, he was so fucked.
”Yeah, man. I’m good. Just need a minute.” Buck said warily. That did not sound convincing at all. Not even to Buck himself. “Ok..well, can you open the door? So we can, like, talk?” Eddie’s voice was laced with worry. Buck felt like such an idiot. Why was he acting like such a child? He stared daggers into his reflection, hoping for a way out of this mess he made.
Eddie knocked again. “Buck, you can’t just ignore me.”
Fuck.
fuckthisfuckhislife-
Buck opened the door to see an unkempt Eddie. His hair was a mess, his face was flushed, and his soft lips were a bruised red, which was totally Buck’s fault.
“Hey,” Eddie said. Buck sat down on the toilet seat, and Eddie took that as an invitation and made his way into the bathroom, taking a seat on the floor in front of him.
”You wanna talk about what just happened?”
”Not really.” Buck replied, looking everywhere but his best friend.
”Did I do something wrong?..” Eddie questioned, seeming unsure of himself. Eddie was everything in Buck’s eyes. The idea that he could ever doubt himself made Buck want to throw himself off a cliff.
”No! No, it’s not you, it’s just- there are things I haven’t told you.” Buck really did not know how to go about this. He’s come out to Eddie before but for some reason this felt different.
”It’s just what, Buck?” Eddie asked softly. And God, Buck’s name on his tongue sounded like poetry. Buck never wanted to stop hearing Eddie say his name.
Buck took a deep breath. It’s either now or never. “I’m trans. I was born a girl but obviously I’m not anymore.” Buck said, motioning to his body as he spoke.
“Oh.” Eddie replied. His voice lacked the disgust Buck thought it would have. “Oh? That’s..all you have to say?”
”Well, no- I mean, Ok. So you’re trans- I don’t have a problem with it.” Eddie sputtered over his words. “What I’m trying to say is, you’re Buck. You’re my best friend, my favorite person on earth if I’m being honest. Nothing is gonna change that.” Eddie rested his hand on Buck’s leg.
Buck lifted his head to look Eddie in his eyes, “I- I can’t give you what you want, Eddie.”
Eddie’s eyes softened, “And what is it that I want, Buck?”
”I dunno- a man, you want a man to be with.”
“I’m looking at one right now. You’re a man, Buck. The most important man in my life. And I’m sorry, but I’m not gonna let you leave it just because you think I care what’s in your pants.”
In that moment Eddie looked at Buck with admiration. Like Buck was actually something worth fighting for. Buck wanted to kiss him so bad. Well, he wanted to do a lot more than that, but baby steps.
”Plus, don’t they make toys for stuff like that?” Eddie asked.
”Eddie..are you asking me if I’d fuck you?” Buck asked, amusement written all over his face.
”No! Unless, you’d be into that then I- I mean-“
”Relax!” Buck laughed. “I’d totally be into that, but we don’t have to worry about that right now.”
Eddie’s face was so red, it was adorable. A brief moment of comfortable silence fell over them.
”Y’know..if I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re in love with me.” Buck replied, he meant it as a joke, kind of.
Eddie was silent. His hand still on Buck’s thigh. Then, he spoke, voice barely above a whisper “I am. How could I not be?” Buck’s eyes began searching Eddies face for any hint that he might be joking or pulling some kind of fucked up prank.
”Don’t say it if you don’t mean it..” Buck replied softly. He was used to people leaving, he wouldn’t be able to handle it if Eddie left him too.
”I mean it. I’ve loved you for God knows how long. And I think I’m finally starting to accept it.” Buck didn’t think; he just grabbed Eddie’s face and pulled him into a kiss. Eddie reciprocated, holding Buck’s face with such a gentle grip that made Buck feel like he was going to melt.
They pulled away to catch their breath. “Now, can we finish what we started?” asked Eddie. Buck nodded vigorously. He’s never wanted anything more.