Chapter Text
“Gosh I’m so jealous! The beach looks so beautiful.”
“And that view! Goodness me, however could you have afforded such a place? Next time you have to invite me, Leorio.”
Leorio grinned, wide and full of teeth to make himself look more attractive. He puffed out his chest, like one would do when they were at the gym, and peered over his glasses resting at the tip of his nose. The two nurses on staff were the prettiest babes on the team, and currently their sole focus was on him and the pictures he had taken on his recent trip. He definitely needed to up the charm if he was to ask one of them out.
“Sure I can,” he said, smooth like the morphine running through an IV drip. “We should talk about it over coffee sometime. I can tell you all about the hot spots on Whale Island.”
One of the nurses —the pretty brunette with the even prettier eyes— turned towards him at that. “You would? Oh, yes definitely!”
“What? No fair!” The other nurse complained, this one a strawberry blonde with lips and hips for days. “Why can’t I be invited too?”
Leorio mentally gave himself a fist bump. He’d have to remember to ask his cousin, Gon, about all of the best beaches on Whale Island next time they video chatted. The kid could talk his head off when he wanted to, especially for research purposes.
“Ladies, please,” Leorio said to placate them both. In reality, he didn’t care which one he ended up taking out, he could figure out their personality on the date. Isn’t that what dating was for anyway? “There’s plenty of me to go around. No need to fight.”
Brunette giggles at that, seeming to like his joke. She continued to swipe left on his phone, more photos popping up on screen, this time of Leorio and the friends he had taken with him on his weekend long vacation the month prior.
“Eh? What’s this?” Strawberry blonde butted in. She took the phone with more force than necessary, eyes narrowing at something in the frame. “And who’s this lady right here?”
Lady? There hadn’t been any ladies with him on his trip. Just four bros frying themselves out in the sun. Leorio and Gon and their two best friends who all needed dates so they wouldn’t be seen as future losers. Probably.
“Oh, I see.” Brunette sounded almost disappointed. “Perhaps you already have a girlfriend. Leo, you didn’t tell us!”
Leorio stepped around to see what blondie was pointing at. Brunette did the same, coming close to lean on her tip toes to better see. Even if she hadn’t gotten his name fully right, Leorio could still take this as a win because they were still talking to him. He had no clue what they were exactly talking about, but he voiced these concerns the good ol’ fashioned way. Communication!
“Uh, sorry, but w-what do y-you mean?”
Apparently communicating included stuttering through half his sentence. Leorio cringed internally, trying to hide it in the way by stuffing his whole hand in his mouth like a sociopath.
Blonde tapped the screen insistently. “That girl you’re with! Honestly, what’re you trying to play at when you’re clearly already with someone?”
“Yeah,” brunette said. “She’s really pretty too, Leo. I’m so happy for you both.”
Happy for him? What?
“One sec, ladies. Let me see that.”
Leorio took his phone back and almost burst out laughing. That wasn’t him and some girl, on the contrary! The few photos he passed had himself in all of his beached out glory: swim shorts and sunglasses and a suave look in his eyes. From these selfies he could barely make out Gon’s and Killua’s heads poking out from under the crashing waves of the shore. Kurapika even made an appearance in these shots too, tucked under Leorio’s shoulder with a book in his hands and large sun hat concealing half of his face.
“I think you’re mistaken,” Leorio started to say. “See, that’s my fr—“
“And here I was thinking I would be asked out soon,” brunette complained. “I can’t believe he’s already off the market.”
“Yeah, seriously,” blonde said beside her. “I almost have this strange feeling you’re even hotter knowing you have a girlfriend already, Leorio.”
“You must tell us all about her. Spare no details!”
Brunette’s eyes shined as she leaned in, blonde following suit with the same dazzled look on her face. Leorio stepped back, quickly pocketing his phone unless they got any other ideas.
“You got it all wrong. See, that’s my—“
“Would you look at that?” Someone else interrupted the trio. “Leorio with a girlfriend? Yeah, right. I’ll believe it when pigs fly.”
Leorio narrowed his eyes at the doctor making his way towards him. Hanzo, medical genius that he was, sauntered over without a care in the world. His bald head gleamed when one of the bright hospital lights reflected off of his big, ol’ forehead like a spotlight. He infiltrated the group like that was his main mission all along, cozying on up to the two nurses and putting his rippling biceps over their shoulders.
“This guy filling your heads with lies?” Hanzo said like Leorio wasn’t right there in front of him. “C’mon, girls, how could you fall for something like that?”
“He’s not lying though,” brunette quickly rushed to his defense. Leorio seriously had to learn her name sometime. “I saw it, some blondie girl. She’s super gorgeous, though. Like super model status.”
“I’d love to ask her for her skin routine,” strawberry blonde added on. “Anyone with that fair of a complexion has to take extra precautions in the sun. I bet she didn’t even burn. So freakin’ lucky!”
Luck had nothing to do with it. Leorio himself had been subjected to many a time Kurapika’s long list of things they could and couldn’t do at the beach, the main one being sun protection. Meaning every few hours they would all have to reapply sun lotion for fear they would either burn to bacon in the 90+ degree weather, or suffer the wrath of an angry Kurapika that would throw things at them until they listened. Leorio found out the hard way how painfully accurate his friend could be with a flip-flop.
Kurapika himself never went out in the sun too often, and when he did it was in a long shawl-like poncho that looked like it should belong in a county club with bougie women. Leorio found it ridiculous, especially since it covered the blond’s already small frame, making him look even daintier when the wind picked up and ruffled the fabric around him like a weird Marilyn Monroe impersonation, and—Ooohhh, he could see now how they could mistake Kurapika for a girl.
“You’ve got this all wrong,” Leorio tried to defend. “That’s my roommate—“
“You’re dating your roommate? That’s so cute!” Brunette hugged Leorio’s arm, and he didn’t mind one bit the way she cozied up to him. Was her name Ivette or Iliana or something? He seriously needed to figure it out.
“It’s like something out of a movie,” strawberry blonde swooned.
In all of this, Hanzo didn’t look convinced. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“Well, believe it,” Leorio said before he could tell his mouth to stop talking. “I got a girlfriend and she’s hotter than yours. Deal with it.”
“Hey hey,” not Ivette tapped Leorio’s arm impatiently. “You and Hanzo should do like a double date or something. Or you could even bring her around to the hospital! I’m sure we’d all love to meet the mystery woman that has captured your heart.
Leorio made a sound he wasn’t proud of. Was it all all of a sudden too hot in here? His face felt like it was melting, his scrubs sticking uncomfortably around his legs, his socks too tight.
“Uh…huh.”
Hanzo clasped him on the back in a friendly display of camaraderie, like it wasn’t a secret they couldn’t stand each other. “That settles it. We’ll go on a double date sometime later this week. I’ll text you the details later, Oreo.”
“It’s Le-orio,” Leorio corrected. “And fine. Whatever. Go back to your job.” He leaned away to mutter the other part under his breath. “As if you’re not eating shit on shifts.”
God freaking dammit, what had he done.
Later that evening…
“Can you pretend to be my date this Friday night?”
Kurapika, mid-way into eating a sandwich, paused with it in the air, a few centimeters away from his mouth. The ham flopped onto the plate when it was squeezed too hard, the cheese and mayo soon following until there a dripping mess covering Kurapika’s fingers and wrists.
Leorio’s nerves made him shake.
The look Kurapika gave him, eyes as wide as an owl’s, didn’t help. “…What?”
There was so little space between them, only the modest couch and coffee table that sat in their shared living room. Kurapika sat stone still on one of the cushions, sandwich abandoned since it had fallen apart on him. The window wasn’t open, it was the dead of night outside, but Leorio had the startling feeling he should start inching closer to it if he needed an easy mode of escape.
Leorio cleared his throat and tried again. “Will you…pretend…to be…my—“
“I heard you the first time,” Kurapika snapped, and oh, Leorio didn’t like the tone of that voice. “So I repeat myself because maybe you misheard me. What?”
The window was too far, so very far.
Leorio did the only thing he could think of, which was apparently spilling his guts like an offering, the words flooding out of his mouth until even he hated the sound of his own voice.
“I was on shift when one of the other nurses grabbed my phone and started looking through my pictures—it’s not weird, I think it’s endearing—and she saw the photos of our beach trip last month. Then another nurse—her name is Irene, by the way—started cozing up to me and I was like “damn she kinda cute, I don’t want to keep using my hand anymore, I’ll ask her out” and before I could she pulled up a photo of us together, and now they think we’re dating, and that our love story as roommates is one of those sitcom episodes. And I couldn’t say no to Hanzo about a double date because how embarrassing would that be, and now you HAVE to be my date on Friday so I can rub it into his bald, rat-bastard face that I can get some!”
Leorio collapsed to his knees, immediately going into a violent coughing fit. Kurapika stood there, watching the whole scene play out with not an inch of movement on his part.
Leorio’s breath caught up with him, even as his heart was on its way into an early episode of cardiac arrest. “Ughhhhh, PLEASE, Kurapika, I’m begging you! They cannot know I lied. You have to do this for me. You owe me one.”
Kurapika spluttered out something incoherent. “W-When have I ever owed you anything!”
“Take one for the team,” Leorio cried. He might actually, literally cry if his friend said no. “It’s only one night of your life. I’ll do anything, please!!”
“Your begging is making this worst,” Kurapika said. He hid his face with one of the books he always kept on his person. “Why would you do something like this, idiot?”
“I panicked, ok? They kept assuming—“
“And you didn’t stop them,” Kurapika said, anger spiking in the way his brown eyes tinged red like a lighting flash. “You’re a complete moron, Leorio. An idiotic imbecile.”
“Hey, no need to name call,” Leorio defended himself. He got a scoff from Kurapika. A head turned away. “Fine. Don’t do this and you’ll be forced to room with me forever. I’d never get a date again.”
Kurapika sighed, something deep. “As if you’d want someone like me.”
And, ok, that really didn’t make sense. Leorio cleaned out one of his ears as Kurapika tucked his feet under him, borrowing deeper into the couch. The book had been set aside, abandoned for now in favor of the conversation.
“Honestly, Leorio. Be really honest with me here.” Kurapika’s fingers twisted into the cotton of his long sleep pants. “I’d make a really unattractive woman.”
“Actually…” Leorio himself trail off. He probably get punched in the face if he continued that statement. He might get punched in the face now just because Kurapika’s eye started to twitch.
“Actually?” The blond repeated, glare heavy enough to intimidate the tightest of locked safes. “Actually what, Leorio. Don’t tell me I’d look better as a woman.”
He could see it now. Leorio wouldn’t dare say otherwise, but he could definitely see Kurapika, of all people, pulling it off. Kurapika who had this fluidity about him that could probably walk a mile in heels. Kurapika who could tilt his head and his blond hair would effortlessly fall across his shoulders when he had just washed it. Kurapika who could do anything he set his mind to and that’s why he was talking the duel track to become a lawyer and business major at the same time. Kurapika who was so headstrong in some of his ways, but also slight in stature when he walked through a room some people already thought he could be anyone.
“Welllllll…” Leorio dodged the book flying past his head. It landed with a heavy thump against the wall, a clear indentation of the spine now etched into the dull paint. They’d have to fix that later. “I didn’t mean to say totally better! I think you’d look good either way.”
“You disgusting man,” Kurapika hissed, getting up from the couch and trudging away to the kitchen where Leorio clearly wasn’t.
“It was a compliment,” Leorio called after him. The middle finger he received as a response didn’t deter him. So that didn’t save anything. “But seriously, what’s the harm in pretending for a day? Don’t you want me to grow old with someone and not be a loser fostering fifty cats at a time?”
“Fostering doesn’t make you a loser,” Kurapika said from over his rigid shoulder. There was a clamor of sound, like pots and pans were being hit together to make something. “Lying about going out with your roommate, who is clearly a man disguised as a woman, does.”
Leorio appeared at the small window they had carved out so the kitchen could overlook the living room no problem. He made sure to put himself beyond hitting distance, elbows poised at the bar top so they could better express himself. Relationships had always been a delicate topic between himself and Kurapika. While Leorio always thought of himself as an ass and tits kind of guy, he knew Kurapika was very different, and valued peoples inner self more than their outward appearance, regardless of gender.
Truthfully, Leorio never asked Kurapika what his stance on dating and sex was. The few times Leorio had brought a pretty woman home, Kurapika had never said a word like he was offended or ever startled by the noises that followed after. Leorio tried to keep himself quiet in case his roommate became uncomfortable and started to look for other apartments to move out, but they never talked about it. And when Leorio hadn’t seen Kurapika ever bring anyone home, they never talked about that either.
Crossdressing had also never been something either had discussed. Like now, Leorio guessed there was a first time for everything.
“It’s a no then,” Leorio said, disappointment radiating off of him in waves. He put his head in his hands, hoping the floor would swallow him already. “Fuck. I’m gonna be the laughing stock of the hospital when they find out.”
“You won’t be the laughing stock of anything if you told the truth,” Kurapika retorted. “The truth will set you free.”
Leorio smashed his fingers against his closed eyelids to blind himself. “Easy for you to say. You’ve never told a lie in your life.”
Kurapika made a sound like he was choking. It prompted Leorio to glance up and catch a glimpse of Kurapika’s face before he turned away. There was a pot on the stove that was bubbling, an opened bag of macaroni sitting next to it, butter and olive oil next to that. When Kurapika went to put all of the ingredients together, Leorio noticed his lips were turned in a frown.
“That’s because…you’ve believed me,” Kurapika said slowly. When he glanced up, blond bangs shifting to slightly cover his eyes, the brown in his pupils looked crimson. “People lie every day, including myself.”
Leorio propped himself up. “So what you’re saying is what’s one more lie in a string of little white ones?”
The pensive, almost pouty, look on Kurapika’s face instantly disappeared to be replaced by an irritated scowl. “You’re so dumb. I can’t believe I moved in with you.”
“You threw a book at me that time too,” Leorio said, remembering it fondly.
“And I’ll do it again.” The macaroni was added and Kurapika turned the dial on their little kitchen timer. “Get out or I’m not giving you some macaroni.”
Leorio didn’t move. “Bold of you to assume I wasn’t stealing some.” He received a wet towel to the face as punishment. “Fine fine. But I’m taking the tv while you think about this!”
They did end up on the couch later, eating cold mac and cheese into the hours of the early morning. Leorio let Kurapika use him as a human footstool, and in return Kurapika let Leorio put on some mindless, trash reality tv to take their mind off of things. They were on their third break of commercials when the blond made to stand up, jostling Leorio who had been halfway into a power nap.
“O’ wat.” Leorio groggily reached out to trap Kurapika’s legs where they were keeping his middle half warm. “‘Ere you goin’?”
“Washing the dishes.”
Leorio groaned. The thought of any chores right now made his brain hurt. “‘Ll save it for tomorrow.”
“Will you?” Kurapika quirked an eyebrow. “Or are you saying that to get me to stay and I’ll find the dirty dishes still there after you’ve gone to work?”
Leorio smacked his lips together.
“Both.”
Kurapika gave a hum in understating, settling back down into the couch so Leorio could grab at him and continue to use his roommate as a makeshift blanket.
“Five more minutes…”
“Sure,” Kurapika easily agreed. “I’m not waiting for you to fall asleep first so I can escape to my bedroom in peace.”
Leorio allowed one of his eyes to peak open. “There’s a lie.”
“Yes. I told you.”
Leorio smiled, resettling himself into the comfortable silence they had established. The tv was still droning on, it would eventually stop itself when Nitflex asked them if they were still watching. It was calming. Grounding.
Kurapika tapped his shoulder softly to get his attention.
“I’ll do it,” he said.
Leorio shook his head. “Nah. I’ll do the dishes tomorrow. Leave them.”
“No,” Kurapika explained. “I’ll fake date you.”
That got Leorio’s eyes to practically bug out of his skull. He shook himself awake, facing Kurapika properly who looked like a blurry vision in his crusted over eyes.
“You will?”
Kurapika’s blobbed form nodded. “Yes. I’ve given it some thought. There’s no harm done in pretending for one day.”
Leorio mentally fist pumped himself in triumph. In actually he was sure his goofy smile was giving him away.
“Cool.”
“On one condition. I get to pick my outfit and the cafe we are meeting at,” Kurapika said.
“Fine. Don’t care.”
“Good.”
Leorio yawned. He fought to pinch himself in case he was dreaming, but he’d rather like to live in this dream world if he was.
He stretched himself out and scratched at the back of his neck. His room was so close but so far. He took a step towards it, then another, momentarily propping his shoulder up with one of their walls for support.
“Go to sleep, Leorio,” Kurapika said lightly.
“I will.” Leorio hoped his tone of voice and awed expression of gratitude conveyed everything. “Thanks, Kurapika.”
Operation fake dating was a go! Now all they had to do was make Hanzo and the rest of the world believe Leorio and Kurapika were actually dating, and had been together probably for a long time. He could do that without a hitch, no problem. It wasn’t like this would change their friendship or anything forever.
Right?