Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kai Smith never liked being alone. That was never his thing in the first place.

Sure, some people think they work more efficiently when left to themselves, but him? He was never that type of guy. Never once did he intend to spend the rest of his life without anyone by his side, be it friend or family. Countless times, he had already lost them, but there was always a way to bring them back.

Growing up, the Master of Fire had learned to despise being lonely. Ever since their parents had mysteriously disappeared without a trace, he had taken it upon himself to raise his younger sister, Nya. Because of this, he had not only considered her his sister, but also the first friend he ever had.
To him, being around others filled him with a purpose. If that weren’t the case, dullness would dominate his entire life. If no one were around, he always wondered, who could he turn to for solace? Who’d be there to guide him? Who were the ones that he was supposed to protect?
That last question had forever been etched into Kai’s mind. However, he may be somewhat of an attention seeker at times, but his intention is more than one would normally think.

Kai had always compared the feeling of loneliness to a flame sitting amid an everlasting night, its light fading as it was slowly being consumed by the darkness surrounding it. Despite how many times his friends and sister occasionally avoided him due to his explosive nature that fit his elemental affinity, they had always reassured him that the day that he would wind up all alone with no one to turn to would never come as long as they were there by his side.

But one Friday afternoon, he noticed something was off.
Everyone had suddenly felt distant from him, as though the distance between them had become worlds away. Kai had never anticipated such an occurrence, yet he couldn’t help but think that something was amiss.
The other five felt out of reach, not to mention that even Nya had barely talked to him, and so did Lloyd.
As much as he wanted to put an end to this sudden spell of silence, he was still unsure whether to confront them and find out the reason why the distance between them had unexpectedly widened.
It had stayed like this even when the sun rose the next day.

Barely anyone bothered to talk to him as they had breakfast. Kai could see them in a conversation he probably had no involvement in. To make matters worse, after they ate, the others quickly headed off to do their things, all of which, of course, did not include him.
Just as his sister was about to head to her room, Kai knew he could not miss the opportunity to ask her about a movie they had watched the day before yesterday.
When he did bring the said movie up to her, however, all that Nya told him was, “Sorry, bro, maybe another time? Jay and I are heading out to the city today.” Kai couldn’t help but roll his eyes at her answer. After all, who else would his sister be spending time with if not him or her Yin?
“Don’t you guys do that, like, every other week?” he asked deadpannedly.
The Master of Water mockingly gasped. “Uhm, no! It’s our monthiversary today!”
That’s when Kai remembered that it had already been a year and five months since Jay had officially become his brother-in-law.
“So… you guys don’t wanna hold, like, a celebration or something?”
“You know Jay likes to keep it simple but memorable, right?”
Letting out a glum sigh, he told his sister, “Alright, I guess… You two have fun with your little get-together. At least, promise me we’ll finish it sometime, yeah?”
“Don’t worry, once we get back home, I’ll make sure we will. If we have the time, that is, and…” Nya’s words came to a pause when she noticed her brother gazing aimlessly at nothing. “Kai, are you okay?” she now wondered.
Scrambling for an answer, he sheepishly replied, “Who, me? Heh, of course, I am! Why would I not be? I’m perfectly fine…!”
Nya rolled her eyes. “Sure you are,” she chuckled, before saying, “Anyways, gotta go! Bye!” as she darted to her room.
“Bye, sis,” he waved back weakly.

Passing by the meditation room, where Lloyd was busy meditating with Master Wu, Kai made his way to the living room, where, unsurprisingly, Cole was on the couch, playing Lava Zombie. That’s when Kai suddenly remembered something. Right, I should probably ask him about our Fist2Face II rematch.
“Say, Cole,” he called out as he sat beside the Earth Ninja, “what about our rematch, huh?”
“Dude, can’t you see I’m trying to get a new high score?” Cole asked back in a tone that nearly matched Kai’s.
“What do you mean? I thought you got the last one,” the Fire Ninja confusedly pointed out.
“Not anymore.”
Kai was still not convinced by Cole’s words until he noticed the screen. The high score was different, much higher than Cole’s previous record. With this realization, he now knew who had dethroned the Earth Ninja as Lava Zombie King.
“Lemme guess, Jay?”
“Yep,” the Master of Earth replied nonchalantly, emphasizing the “p” with a pop.
“So I guess we’re not doing it now–”
Kai’s request was interrupted by a sudden shriek that came out of Cole’s mouth as his character lost some health. “Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m trying to focus here, you know!” he shot back.

With that request gone awry, Kai left the living room just as he heard Cole screaming. Though it was barely incomprehensible, he could hear the Earth Ninja ranting upon getting a game over, something that Kai was infamous for.
Maybe that was a little on me, the Master of Fire blamed himself.
The moment he hid away in the comfort of his bedroom, he let out a sigh as he jumped headfirst onto his bed. There must be something I can do… Lying around is boring! he silently complained.
Still, something felt off, and he could feel it. No one was vacant at that time. Running down the list of things his friends, sister, and even his girlfriend were up to, Kai was now left with a realization.

For the time being, he was alone. The very situation he had always disliked.
His state of loneliness struck a pang of sorrow in him.
It wasn’t long before his mind began to conjure voices inside his head. The voices of his lingering thoughts on why he was missing out on what the others were doing, never even bothering to check up on him.
They’re slowly forgetting me, aren’t they…? No. No way. I’m one of them! That’s impossible… right?
While most of them conveyed the doubt and insecurity that was now flooding his mind, a sinister voice felt like it was mocking him as if it had taken advantage of his solitude.
The others are doing whatever shit they’re up to, huh? Don’t you think they’re seriously talking trash about you behind your back?
Kai slightly recoiled at that thought. “No… Not that…”
As much as he wanted it to end, it kept on tormenting him, its derisive words never ceasing.
Just admit it, Kai. You’re weak, and you don’t want them to see you like this. Who knows? Maybe soon enough, they’ll eventually leave you for how pathetic you are!
“Shut up…” he muttered as he covered his ears.
Haven’t you seen it yet? Everyone’s slowly gonna let you rot–
“For the sake of the First Spinjitzu Master, just SHUT THE FUCK UP!” he yelled, which, to his surprise, paused the thoughts burrowing their way across his mind, yet it wasn’t enough to stop the fear that lingered within. Luckily, no one heard him shout. That is, until someone knocked on his door.

“Kai?” Lloyd’s muffled voice was heard from the other side. “You good? I heard you yell, so I decided to check on you.”
Not wanting his little brother to know of his apparent predicament, the Master of Fire denied, “Uhm, y-yeah! I’m fine! Just felt a bit… frustrated for a moment.”
“Alright, just tell any of us if you need help, yeah?”
Lloyd’s voice, though reassuring, was still not enough to pacify the ever-growing fear in his mind.
Looking back on his thoughts, Kai began to wonder why the others unexpectedly felt so far away from him.

Was it because he got mad so easily, like how a fire would run rampant, destroying everything in its path?
Or was it because of how selfish he might seem?
Maybe it was how his words cut like knives; sharp and cold all the same…
...or could it be how he had always indulged in his ego more than the rest of them ever did?
The truth was, he did not know at all.

His train of thought still lasted even when the shadow of night had blotted out the sun’s glow. Just as he thought, everyone was still doing their things without him. Jay and Cole were busy playing video games, with Nya watching them. Kai didn’t bother asking her about the movie they were supposed to finish, seeing that his sister was having fun herself without him in the picture.
Sighing, he stayed in his room, lost in his somber thoughts, until he drifted off to the comfort of sleep.

Chapter Text

Kai found himself in a dark, empty void. Nothing else was in it, other than him. A fitting atmosphere for his apparent solitude was all he could think of as he stood in the vast, empty shadows.
“H-Hello?” he called out, and, as expected, no one answered back.
That is, until he heard whispering, soft yet barely noticeable.
Acting on instinct, the Fire Ninja lit a hand with his element. “Who’s there…?!”
Out of nowhere, something glowed from the periphery of his line of sight. When he looked toward it, all he saw was a trail of glowing lights, all in a scarlet hue reminiscent of the searing flames he could flawlessly conjure, floating around like fireflies on a clear summer night.

What sort of dream is this? Kai wondered. I don’t think I’ve ever had one like this before…
He kept walking through the mass of those mysterious orbs, never letting his guard down despite his evident astonishment, until he found one of them hovering toward him. Not hesitating to approach it, he let his hand near the orb, only for it to speak in a voice so faint, yet so clear.
“Is it true that they think I’m always a hothead?”
Kai couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Did it speak… in his voice?
Touching one of them triggered a chain reaction with the other orbs nearby, all of which had one thing in common: his voice could be heard by every single one of them.

Still walking through the myriad of glowing spheres, the Master of Fire made his way through the mass of his overlapping voices. Some spoke in an angry, spiteful tone, others in a doubtful, more insecure one; yet all of them were targeted at one and only one person: himself.
“ARGH! Can’t you go like two seconds without staying calm?! They hate it when you’re like that!”
“I don’t wanna end up all alone…”
“First Master, I’m so pathetic…!”
“Was I ever enough? Will I ever be…?”
“I know I can’t let them get hurt on my watch, but why do I still fail?! WHY?!”

The voices kept repeating, still conveying the same harshness and insecurity they always did. But from the deafening multitude spoke a louder, clearer voice.
“So… you still haven’t figured it out, have you, huh, Kai?”
He looked back at where the sound seemed to have come from, only to be greeted once more by nothing. At that point, he was already growing frustrated with who was behind these mysterious voices around him.
It wasn’t until an orb suddenly appeared behind him. Kai flinched at the sight. “Oh, come on. You should’ve known by now,” it told him.
The Fire Ninja noticed something that distinguished this glowing orb from the others around him. Not only was it larger, but it was also directly talking to him as if it were a sentient being. I swear this dream is just getting weirder and weirder, he thought.
“Who are you?” he shot back through gritted teeth. “And why the hell do you have my voice?”
The voice from the orb scoffed. “So stubborn as always, are we now? Don’t mind me, just another voice in that little head of yours,” it answered as it began to orbit Kai, who paused to process what was going on.
A voice? Inside my head…? Then that meant… all those other voices I heard were my thoughts… weren’t they?

Kai let out an exasperated sigh, before demanding, “Alright, spill it. What do you even want from me?”
“You’ve been wondering why everyone’s been having fun without you, yeah?”
He felt as though it had passed straight through his facade. Grumbling, he managed a weak nod, not intending to utter a word.
“Well, what if I tell you that they’re just making up silly excuses so that they won’t have to spend time with you?”
The Master of Fire felt his entire body freeze at that question, pinning him in place much stiller than Zane could do so with ice. Pausing to think about what that voice had just wondered, he held firm to the belief that the others would never forget about him, especially his sister. There’s no way she would, anyway. She’d been with him for almost their entire lives, after all.
Great… All this overthinking’s just messing with my brain at this point…
“N-No. You know nothing,” he insisted, slightly stuttering in his words. “You really think I’d believe you? HA! It’d be dying to see you try to convince me otherwise!” A brief glint of determination shone in his eyes.
The voice, no, his voice, chuckled. “So that’s what you believe, huh? What if your beliefs are nothing short of false?”
Confusion made its way through his mind once more. “What do you mean…?”
Before he could get a response, the voice mysteriously vanished.
“Hey! Answer me!” he called out. “You still there?!”
Again, no one answered.
Suddenly, the voices around him began to fade one by one, as did the scarlet orbs, disappearing from plain sight like dying flames.
He was alone once more. That was the case until five different colored lights surrounded him.

The first orb approached Kai, its pulsating blue and yellow aura resembling bolts of lightning darting across a stormy sky. When he let his hand near it, thinking it was another thought lying in his imagination, all he heard was nothing short of heart-wrenching.
“Is that what you really think of me, Kai? That I’m the worst amongst the six of us because of how unserious I am?! Why do I even consider you my brother if all you do is hurt me with your words and think that it’s all just fun and jokes?!”
There was no mistaking that voice…
“Jay…?!” He stood there, shocked and bewildered. “What do you mean– no! Of course I don’t mean it, I–”
“Save it. I don’t wanna hear your words. You’ve gone too far!”
And in just a fleeting moment, his voice was gone…
…yet the words he spat at the Master of Fire felt worse than his electric touch…

As much as Kai wanted for all this to end, it continued either way.
The second orb hovered around him, glowing in a mixed shade of orange and brown, reminiscent of molten lava, and from it spoke the voice of Cole.
“Are you seriously gonna let your anger get the best of you every damn time? I mean, at least you could keep your emotions in check, but no! Can’t there be a single day without you being a fucking hothead?!”
Kai didn’t bother to reason with him. There was no use in reasoning, anyway, knowing that doing so would yield the same result.

The Fire Ninja was left there as the guilt slowly began to eat away at him.
That was when two glowing spheres came to him. One had a pale, white light similar to the frigid climate of the realm from which the ninja had once been trapped, while the other was green like the leaves that flew in the spring breeze.
He could hear his nindroid friend’s voice in the white orb.
“The way you act has always been a nuisance to my system. Why do you persist in saying such cold words to me…? You do not think I am just a combination of metal and code… do you?”
Before Kai could process what Zane said, he heard Lloyd’s voice from the verdant orb, his words in a venomous tone he had never heard his little brother speak in.
“You don’t need to tell me that you wanted to be the Green Ninja long before we all knew it was me. You think I wanted all this?! Are you seriously that stupid to think I would never wonder what would happen if you’d trade my life for that Fangblade?! You always hog all the stuff that’s supposed to be for all of us! That’s what I don’t like about you! You’re always so… selfish!”

He couldn’t believe it.
His younger brother…
…the one he was supposed to protect…
called him…
selfish?

The voices of his brothers began to constantly echo in every corner of his mind as he covered his ears, and tears began to flow down his cheeks. No matter how much he tried to drown out the noise, he could still hear their words pulling him deeper into an ocean of guilt. “No… guys, please…! I-I’m sorry…!” he pleaded.
“Sure you are,” spoke a new voice. A feminine one. When he looked to where it came from, all that last orb reminded him with its azure glow were the waves rippling endlessly across the sea. Ignoring how he didn’t try to reason with the others, Kai called out, “Nya…? You can hear me, right? Your brother…? Please… you have to understand–”
“Don’t you fucking dare call yourself my brother. I never had one in the first place. So what if you raised me your entire life? That doesn’t change how I see you. You didn’t want me to be a ninja for what?! Because I’m not as good as you are?! How many times did I have to tell you how much your words hurt more than you think? I just wish you knew that you’re hurting part of me every time you make fun of Jay, and what?! You kept doing it! How could you do this?! I hate you. I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH!”

The bitterness in his sister’s voice felt as though he had just been stabbed in the heart by her weapon. Each word she spat at him felt like shards of glass piercing through his skin, wounding him little by little.
The pain was agonizing, to the point it was almost torturous.
“So… do you still believe they care?” he heard his voice again, taunting him in a sinister tone.

Kai couldn’t bring himself to answer. A bone-chilling shiver ran down his spine as the fear slowly conquered his mind, yet he remained resolute, refusing to accept this so-called “truth.”
Some of their words cut deeper than others. Hot-headed, cold, but most of all, selfish.
The Master of Fire had also despised being called that, knowing how the others perceived him as thinking of himself first before them.

No… NO! All this must be some ridiculous lie. There’s no way Nya would say that to my face! He told himself, completely denying everything he had just heard, yet still doubting if it was enough. It all seemed so… real.

“Now what?” his voice taunted him once more. “Isn’t that the proof you wanted? Oh, I wonder, what are you gonna do now? Cry to your mom and dad like a little kid?”
No matter how much he struggled to bring himself to speak, Kai would not let himself give in, despite how brutally honest those words seemed.
But still, he wondered, did they really mean all those words they just spat at him? Was their friendship a whole lie this whole time? From those words alone, the only thing they saw in him was that he felt like the worst person ever to exist.

Then again, he may have gone too far with several things, especially with teasing Jay. None of those words would ever be taken back, for they were already etched in the others’ minds. Even if he got down on his knees and apologized, it wouldn’t be enough.
Maybe it was true… he really was the fire, rather than the one controlling it.
His element was notorious for being able to destroy almost everything in its path, so it’s no wonder he could be burning down the bonds he had forged with them.
Kai had never truly seen fire as anything other than a weapon, unlike water, which his sister had. There were times he had considered himself inferior to her, mostly because of how their elements were parallel. Other than that, he felt as though she was his greatest weakness, knowing that he had once feared water, much like how it could douse even the brightest flames.
Now, he wondered… will they ever need him anymore? Was he ever good enough for them?
What was so useful about an element that mostly destroys?
Maybe soon enough… the team would never need a Master of Fire like him.

No one cared about him. Neither his friends nor his sister did.
“What? You’re just gonna stand there? Come on, admit it!”
The Red Ninja couldn’t do it. The very courage he could muster to fight back… was slowly withering away, losing its light to the monotonous darkness surrounding him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he lowered his head and turned away.
I guess there really is just one way outta this…
A bout of determination suddenly surged through him…
Really? You’re gonna quit right here? Come on, Kai, this isn’t you, buddy! You’re better than that!
…only for it to be washed away by one of doubt, as if a dying flame ended its life after an inferno.
Even so… why keep going when no one even cares? It’s all meaningless, either way.
“You know what?! You’re right. I am alone. No one cares about me. No one ever did,” Kai eventually admitted, finally giving in to the truth he was far too blind to accept.

The Master of Fire’s voice taunted him for the umpteenth time. “Yes… Now that’s what I like to hear. I knew I had it in you this whole time. Oh, look at you, so helpless and… afraid.”
Kai could not comprehend this feeling of fear. Said emotion is not one he would easily show. He had long instilled in his mind that he should not let fear conquer his mind. It didn’t matter how scared he truly felt; he just didn’t want the others to see him in such a pathetic state. He knew he had to be brave, not just for himself, but for them… but what use was this bravery if the ones he was supposed to protect no longer cared about him?
“Ah, but I’m afraid this little chat won’t be forever. Farewell, Kai,” the voice told him for what was probably the last time.

A shiver went down Kai’s spine as the air around him suddenly thickened, and it didn’t take long for him to find himself with an unseen weight bearing down on his chest. Every breath felt like a struggle as strangled gasps escaped his mouth before his vision eventually swam, and he succumbed to the deep depths of unconsciousness.

>-<>-<>-<>-<

The Master of Fire shot up in his bed, a cold sweat trickling down his face. He tugged the neckline of his shirt as he shakily gasped for air and surveyed his surroundings. From the pale moonlight shining through his open window to the red blanket he wrapped around himself like a butterfly’s cocoon, he realized what had just happened.
Looking down at his trembling hands as sweat fell on them, he hugged himself tightly, muttering, “Stay calm, Kai… it was just a nightmare. It’s okay, you’re alright. You’re here in the monastery, not in some void with their voices tormenting you…”

Knowing that his hushed words of reassurance were going nowhere, he groaned in frustration. Oh, who am I kidding?! This shit barely works!
The fire inside of him began to grow rampant as rage slowly took over his mind.
Soon enough, he threw a pillow across the room and turned another into a punching bag, letting out a growl as he repeatedly struck it with his clenched fists. He was so busy with his little temper tantrum that he didn’t even notice his eyes were stinging with unshed tears.
He was crying.
Something he had not done in quite a while since the day he thought that Lloyd was gone for good after they defeated the Oni.
An inner voice derided him. Really? You, of all people, crying? Grow up, Kai. Just face it, you’re pathetic. And now, your friends and sister are starting to ignore you? Boy, you really are gonna wind up all alone.
Part of him wanted to scream, but another thought held him back.
No. Don’t you dare scream, you dummy. You don’t wanna wake up the others now, do you? It’s gonna make things worse.
Furiously rubbing his eyes, he lay back down in bed, despite having lost all motivation to go back to sleep.

Even after that horrifying nightmare, Kai still wished he knew why the others seemed to be ignoring him. Though he intended to confront them about it, he immediately thought otherwise, seeing that act of reaching out as a sign of cowardice, not to mention that he had found it somewhat immature.
He couldn’t help but wonder why they felt so far away.
Was it because of something I said that I didn’t think twice before saying it?
Was I ever good enough for them?
Deep inside, he knew that the others had something in them that he never had.
Never once did he have the same level of strength as Cole or a mind as intelligent as Zane’s.
It felt as if that fire in him… was no longer burning like it used to.

Kai checked the time on his phone. 1:30 AM. Great… It was still a long time before breakfast, and he couldn’t sleep. Maybe Skylor left him a message or two…
She didn’t. It’s been two days since they last talked over chat.
Sighing despondently, the Fire Ninja grabbed the pillow he had thrown across the room moments before and buried his face in it to try and get at least another hour's sleep, if it weren’t for that nightmare, that is.

And so Kai continued to lie down in bed, eyes still wide open, for the next four and a half hours.
When the sun finally rose, he headed for the dining room to join the others for breakfast, but not before he quickly went to the bathroom to put gel on his hair so that it would stick up like it usually would.
The moment he entered, Jay, Cole, Lloyd, and Nya were sitting around the table while Zane was in the kitchen. Bacon strips, eggs, and toast were already served, while the Master of Ice was still cooking pancakes.

Kai sat on his usual seat beside his sister’s, still feeling sluggish from his lack of sleep, which the other ninja had noticed, even Zane, who, after five minutes, returned from the kitchen holding a plate with a freshly cooked stack of pancakes.
“You seem to be quite fatigued, Kai,” remarked the nindroid. “I suppose you did not get a sufficient amount of sleep last night?”
The fire elemental only managed a sigh before answering, “I guess so…”

Kai felt a hint of suspicion at that moment. Why did everyone suddenly seem to care about me and forget about what happened yesterday? Surely today won’t be a repeat of that, right?
While they ate, the Master of Fire found himself eating pancakes all alone. At the same time, everyone was huddled up in a conversation he probably didn’t have any involvement in.
As he struggled not to fall asleep and flop his face down on his syrup-coated pancakes, he could hear the stone-cold words the others spat at him in that nightmare, overlapping with what they seemed to be talking about. Their words reverberated in his mind, bouncing off every corner of his brain like pinballs in an arcade machine.

His train of thought was only interrupted when he picked up something about a movie marathon.
The Master of Fire could not help but think that they might leave him out of it again.
He couldn’t keep it in any longer.
“Alright,” he called out. “What’s with you guys not bringing me into that little conversation of yours?”
“Oh, uhm, we were just wondering if you’d join us later tonight for a movie marathon,” Jay responded.

What the Master of Lightning didn’t know, however, was that his answer had ignited a burst of anger and resentment in Kai.
A seething wrath grew inside of him, and everyone fell silent when he suddenly blurted out, “Oh, so now you want me to be there?! I thought you guys were better off without me! You really think you could get away with leaving me all on my own?!”
“Leave you on your own? No! Kai, what do you mean–”
“OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! You all were clearly having fun without me, and I’m just here in my bedroom with nothing to do! Do you even give a single fuck about me?! I mean, you could’ve at least checked up on me if I was doing fine, but no! It’s like you’ve all forgotten I exist or something!” he yelled, letting his temper get the best of him.
“Did you really forget that I did just that yesterday?” Lloyd chimed in.
“You think that was enough?!” The Green Ninja fell silent.
Kai continued his tirade, even when they tried to reason with him. To think that he’d been left like this had ripped a hole in his heart. “What? You guys hate me or something?!”
No one spoke, not until Jay did, to ease the tension. “Hate you? No! Of course not! Why would we–”
“THEN PROVE IT!”
The Lightning Ninja flinched at his raised voice. No one dared to talk back.

Even after a minute of silence, Kai’s anger had not subsided.
“You know what?! Screw it! You guys could’ve admitted it if you didn’t want me around! What do you think I am, a fucking GHOST?! You weren’t like this when Cole was one, so why would you guys, of all people, do it to me?!”
“Hey, don’t bring me into this! Come on, Kai, this isn’t you, buddy,” Cole interjected.
“What do you mean this isn’t me?! You guys made me like this! Why am I even friends with you all if you’re just gonna leave me to rot on my own someday?!”

Nya sighed. “Look, I don’t know why you’re crashing out on us, but you really need to calm down so we can talk about this like adults.”
“CALM DOWN?! You think I would?! You should know better, Nya! I’ve raised you for, like, basically your entire life, and what?! This is how you’d repay me? Forget about me and go with Jay while you two do your lovey-dovey stuff?!”
She said nothing more, having been bewildered by her brother’s words.
“I guess I was right,” Kai continued, his voice hushed this time. “Maybe you guys don’t need me anymore. And you know what? Yeah. You don’t deserve someone who’s not good enough for you.”
He walked away right after, and paused in his steps when Lloyd asked him, “Kai, where the hell are you going?”
The Master of Fire looked back and snarled, “Somewhere I don’t get to see jerks like you,” before heading off to his room and angrily sliding the door shut.

Chapter Text

Once inside his room, he began rummaging through his clothes.
That was when his anger was soon replaced with a constant feeling of guilt and regret.
Did I just… yell at them…?
Shit, I just did, didn’t I…?
N-no, I… I didn’t mean it, but…
Maybe… I was the jerk, not them…
Kai thought of apologizing, but couldn’t bring himself to do so, knowing that the damage had been done.
He realized that he might need to calm his nerves a bit, so he decided to go out for a stroll in the city.
If that was what he needed to make it up to them, so be it.
Changing into his hoodie, a pair of ripped jeans, and red sneakers, while also grabbing some money he had saved up, Kai headed out to the secret elevator in the living room. Luckily, no one saw him.

The hangar bay was… eerily quiet. Normally, Pixal and Zane were in there, constantly making upgrades to their gear and vehicles, but it looked like they, too, had other matters to attend to.
Seeing this as the perfect chance, the Master of Fire took his motorcycle and drove off in complete secrecy towards Ninjago City.

Kai rode down the mountain slope, brushing aside any thought that could mess with his head and make him lose his focus. He had to be careful, not just with himself, but with his vehicle. It was newly upgraded, after all, having only been modified a month before.
It took him a good fifteen minutes before he finally hit the city streets. Of course, Ninjago City was all the same—the bustling crowds, the towering skyscrapers, and most of all, the consistent traffic jams. Kai made his way through the highways, unintentionally cutting off several cars, which didn’t bother him at all, considering that’s just how the roads always were in the city.

Eventually, Kai took a stop at the park. After a little walk, he decided to sit down on one of the benches, all while his hood covered his head, the only hint of his identity being the scars on his face.
As he sat there, he contemplated his actions before he ran away.
For a moment, he saw his worst fears realized, and his actions just fed more fuel to the fire. Maybe they were right. He was a hothead, considering how he’d manifest almost every negative emotion as anger, even if he did not intend to hit the roof in the first place. All those words he had told the others had already left a mark in their minds, and as much as he desired to take them all back, he could never do so.

Kai thought of apologizing, yet doubted if it would be enough, knowing how hurt they were by what he said. He had always found apologizing difficult; the fear that his apology would not be accepted would linger in his mind, haunting him with the same old feeling of doubt.
The Fire Ninja remained sitting, almost as unmoved as a statue, when his phone suddenly rang in his pocket.
When he checked, Nya was calling him.
So… they knew I ran away? He wondered.
At first, he doubted whether or not he should answer, but eventually decided not to. He wasn’t quite ready to hear their voices yet, even through his phone. Kai checked his messages instead, only to be greeted with ten of them, mostly from her and Lloyd, who had expressed their concern about his sudden disappearance.
Without any second thought, he put his phone on “do not disturb” mode and turned off his location so that the others wouldn’t be able to track him.

All this time… they cared, Kai realized. They probably didn’t mean to leave me alone, and all I did was get mad at them for it…
Regret began to make its way through his mind as he thought of heading back to the monastery, only for yet another idea to spark in his mind.
Wait… Since I’m already here in the city… Maybe I should visit Skylor.
Not wasting any more time, Kai got up from the bench he had been sitting on and made his way across town to the ninja’s go-to restaurant: Chen’s Noodle House. After all, he was getting a bit hungry, having only eaten a pancake and a half earlier that morning.

The moment he walked through the door, there she was, immediately spotting him just as she served a fresh bowl of noodles to a customer.
“Well, I never,” Skylor exclaimed. “None of you guys have ever gone here this early!”
Kai did not say anything back at first, only slightly chuckling as he shyly waved at her, before mumbling, “Hey.”
Noticing the hood concealing most of his head, the Master of Amber told him, “Oh, please, you can take that hood off. I can easily recognize you with that burn scar, you know.”
He hesitated at first, but eventually did as she said, ignoring the whispers that came from the restaurant’s patrons, who had not expected the Red Ninja himself to turn up. Kai then followed his girlfriend to the counter and sat on one of the barstools.
“Lemme guess, the usual?” she asked.
“Yeah… Mind if I pay this time?”
That surprised her. “Damn, that’s new,” she remarked. “Usually, when you or any of the ninja come here, your food’s always on me.”
“Heh, guess that changes today,” Kai told her, smiling as he handed her some money that he had stuffed in his pocket.
Skylor smiled back at him before she went to the kitchen. Guess it wasn’t bad coming here after all, Kai thought. Don’t get him wrong, it was true. Those noodles could probably help him momentarily forget about what happened earlier.

As he waited, the Master of Fire checked his phone, only to see that he had three missed calls and fifteen more messages from his friends. Letting out a sigh, he hid it back in his pocket, still not bothering to talk to them.
It wasn’t long before Skylor returned, holding a bowl of Kai’s favorite: spicy yakisoba. Just seeing it could already make him drool. Mumbling “Thanks,” he went on to stuff some in his mouth.
Contrary to what he thought, those noodles did not help him rid his mind of those haunting thoughts.
If only he could just…
No. She can’t know. She can’t see me like this. It’s not her problem, anyway, he sternly told himself. Act normal, Kai, keep it cool. Don’t make her question anything.
His facade was only shattered when Skylor asked him, “You aren’t as cocky as you usually are. Are you okay?”
Her question made Kai almost spit his noodles. Crud, she saw through me, didn’t she?
There was no escape now. He let out a defeated sigh. “I don’t know…”
“You wanna talk about it?” his girlfriend asked once more, resting a hand on her chin.
Kai’s cheeks were soon tinged red. “You don’t wanna know. It’s stupid,” he grumbled, looking away from her.
“There’s nothing stupid with a reason why you’re not feeling it right now. It’s perfectly fine if you tell me.”
“Alright, you got me,” he sighed. “I’ll tell you, but on one condition. You mind if… we don’t do it here where there’s a lotta people around?”
She let out a little laugh. “If you say so.”

Carrying his bowl of noodles, Kai followed Skylor to a more secluded area of the restaurant, which, fortunately, did not have that many people.
They sat on one of the tables near the far end, opposite each other, her amber eyes locking in with his brown ones. His hands began to fidget. “So, you gonna tell me why you came here so gloomy all of a sudden?”
Biting his lip, the Master of Fire struggled to reply. “I… I just don’t know, Sky. I feel like I fucked up real bad,” he eventually answered.
“Why’s that?”
“I ran away from the monastery this morning… all because I got mad at them–”
Skylor gasped. “You got mad at them? Why?”
He looked down at his trembling hands resting on his lap, his right leg jerking up and down in agitation. “I… I got scared that they… they,” he trailed off in his words, remembering the cold words the others spat at him in that horrid nightmare.
“...That they’d leave you all alone?” the Master of Amber finished.
Kai looked back at her, astonished. “How… how did you know…? Is Neuro somewhere in here, and you used his powers on me?”
Skylor laughed. “No, he’s not here, and I did not use his elemental powers. I just had a hunch, that’s all.”
“Something tells me that’s not what it really is…”
“Well, you got me there, hotshot.” She smiled. “I’ll tell ya.”
Then she recounted how she had never had many friends growing up until she met the other elemental masters at the Tournament of Elements. Her father, the now-banished Master Chen, barely took care of her, while her mother left the family when she was still young.
When she was finished, she asked Kai, “Seriously, though. Why would you lash out at them?”
“I-I didn’t mean to…! I just wanted to know why they were ignoring me since Friday afternoon,” he answered.
“Even Nya?”
He nodded. “She barely spent time with me… and I got scared that she’d be more focused on Jay and forget about me,” he replied, trying to hold back the stinging in his eyes.
“Did you seriously think she’d forget you? She’s your sister, Kai! No way that’s gonna happen!”
“Yeah, but… I got so insecure that she would. That the rest of them would forget me.”
“And what made you think that?” Skylor wondered.
Kai took a deep breath, bracing for whatever embarrassment he would receive. “I had a nightmare last night…”
“What nightmare?”
“I… I don’t wanna talk about it… It’s… stupid. You won’t believe me, other than it was probably the worst I've had in, like, forever,” he shakily answered.
Skylor smiled at him reassuringly. “It’s fine with me. I won’t judge.”
A slight chill went down the Fire Ninja’s spine as he relived that dream once more.
“I… heard their voices… They said things about me. Bad things.”
“What kind of things?”
“That I’m a hothead, I’m annoying, selfish, and the worst brother ever… Even Jay said I was going too far with teasing at how unserious he is. Maybe he’s right… I might’ve gone overboard with the jokes…”
“Quite a nightmare you had there, huh?” the Master of Amber remarked.
Kai asked back, his voice filled with insecurity, “You don’t see me as any of those things… do you…?”
“I mean, you are a hothead sometimes, but I find it quite nice,” Skylor reassured. “Then again, maybe try to keep your emotions in check next time. Anger isn’t the best way to express your feelings, and… are you crying?”
The Master of Fire didn’t even know that he was indeed crying, despite having felt the tears burning up in his eyes. “What, me? Crying? Heh! N-no, I’m not! It’s just… dust in my eyes,” he told her, his voice slightly breaking as he rubbed his eyes.

A smirk made its way through his girlfriend’s face. “Oh, come on, you don’t have to hide it.”
“I said I’m not crying…!” he insisted. “I’m not supposed to cry anyway. It just makes me look… weak.” That last word was so soft that Skylor barely heard it.
“And since when has that been a fact?”
“You don’t get it. No one should see me like this. Not even them, especially not you, because you all might think I’m a total wimp and–”
Kai’s words came to a halt when Skylor interrupted him. “Kai, listen to me, okay? I know it’s a lot to process, but you should never think you’re alone. So what if your thoughts believe otherwise? You should consider yourself lucky to have a nice group of friends and a sister who cares about you.”
“B-But…”
“And no. Don’t you ever say it to my face that crying makes you look weak. Barely anyone would know that you’re not feeling okay if you don’t.”
Kai lowered his face in shame and sulked just as a hint of courage surged through him. “Yeah… maybe you’re right,” he told Skylor as he ate the last of his noodles. “I think I know what to do now, thanks to you.”
She smiled. “No prob.”
“I guess I should probably head back home,” Kai told her as he stood up. “See ya, Sky.”
“Mhm,” she hummed. “You too, hotshot.”
Then she kissed him on the cheek, and the Fire Ninja’s face turned redder than a tomato as he sheepishly smiled back at her with a wave.

Leaving the restaurant with newfound confidence, Kai returned to where he parked his motorcycle and soon made his way back to the monastery’s hangar bay. When he arrived, Pixal was there, doing her usual thing: upgrading their stuff. Her face turned into a surprised yet worried frown the instant she saw the Master of Fire.
“You have been gone for 1 hour, 27 minutes, and 23 seconds, Kai. Where have you been? The rest of us were worried sick!” she told him.
“I just drove to the city, that’s all… I figured that I needed to blow off some steam after… you know…”
A look of understanding soon passed over the female nindroid’s face. “I see. Did the motorcycle have any defects?”
Kai shrugged. “Nope. Seemed pretty fine to me.”
“Alright. The others are in the living room. Do not be aggravated next time, please.”
“I promise you it won’t happen a second time,” the Fire Ninja vowed before he sprinted toward the elevator, the samurai right behind him.
As it made its ascent, so did the fear and anxiety still lingering inside of him. The other five were alerted by the whirring sound it made as he stepped out.
“Kai?!” Nya gasped as she got up from the couch. “First Master, where the fuck have you been?! You made us so worried!” But her brother did not answer. He just stood there, frozen in shock.
“Please do not do that again. Lloyd was on the verge of a panic attack when we all found out you were gone,” said Zane as he patted the back of an anxious Green Ninja.

Kai felt the courage he had mustered die out the instant he saw their worried faces. He could only imagine the horror in his younger brother’s face when he ran away. Seeing him in such a helpless state… the worry in his eyes… He’d failed him, not just as his protector, but as his older brother, too.
Can it be true…? They… really care about me…?
Then came their constant questioning. “I just…” The Master of Fire uttered, trailing off his words as he tried to hold back the tears forming in his eyes. He looked away, his fists clenched, his teeth gritted, and his eyes squeezed shut.
An inner voice urged him to speak up. Come on, are you seriously gonna get those words stuck in your throat?

“Please… Say something…! Anything!” Lloyd pleaded, which only inflicted more guilt onto his older brother.
The tone in Kai’s voice was so soft, they could barely hear him utter something. “What was that?”
“N-Nothing… You don’t wanna know. I’ve hurt you guys enough…” The Red Ninja swallowed, pausing as he took a ragged breath.
“Why not? We all know there’s a reason why you lashed out at us earlier, Kai, especially me,” Nya told him.
Her brother looked back at the others with watery eyes. Seeing their concerned faces still anticipating an answer, he finally spoke.
“I don’t know what got over me, but… I’ve been meaning to ask. Have you ever thought that I’m… selfish? That I’m the worst person ever…?”

His question made the ninja look at each other, their faces twisted in worried frowns, while some gasped.
“Kai, what do you mean? When did we ever say those? What made you think that?” Cole asked back.
“Well, I… uhm…”
Kai stammered in his words as if they were barred from ever leaving his mouth, trapped inside by some invisible barrier that forbade him from speaking.
“Come on, why can’t you just–”
“I GOT SCARED, OKAY?!” The Fire Ninja yelled, no longer holding back the tears that now ran down his scarred cheeks. “I got scared that… that you guys would forget me! I mean, you guys were happy without me, and I… was just there… all alone, so I figured maybe it was because of how I acted around people! You know how I hate being left out, right…?”

“You know, you could’ve properly told us,” said Jay.
“Yeah, but… I got so insecure that you would leave me that I let my anger take over… I couldn’t keep it bottled up any longer, so yeah. I didn’t mean to get mad! It’s just that… I wanted to tell you all how… lonely I was,” Kai admitted, pausing between breaths and sniffles. “A-and I’m sorry. I don’t know how I’ll make it up to you and–”
His words came to an abrupt halt when he found himself caught in Lloyd and Nya’s embrace.
“You were right, I should’ve known,” his sister sobbed. “How could I forget? First Master, I feel so stupid for forgetting that you hated missing out.”
“No, no. Don’t blame yourself, sis,” Kai reassured her soothingly. “I’m the one in the wrong here, not you.”

Jay stood there, confused, and so did Cole and Zane. “Is there something I’m missing here?”
“You know how Kai tends to be clingy?” the Master of Water asked him.
“What about it?”
“He’s been like this way back when we were still kids. He was scared he’d lose me just like how we lost our parents. Didn’t you see how worried he was when I got kidnapped?”
“Maybe I was just too controlling,” the Master of Fire suddenly spoke, earning surprised and concerned faces from the others.
“What?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’ve always stopped you from doing the things I was supposed to be doing,” he told his sister. “And you know what? Yeah. Maybe I am selfish. Maybe you guys don’t want me around because I feel like the worst person to be stuck with. I get angry even at the slightest inconvenience and take it out on all of you. I know you don’t like it when I’m always a hothead. I’m never good enough, so why do you–”
His tirade immediately stopped when a slap to the face snapped him back to reality.

“Kai, stop it, for fuck’s sake!” Nya cried. “Why are you calling yourself that?! I understand that you wanted to keep me safe, but don’t you ever think that you’re selfish, because you never were in the first place!”
That’s when he couldn’t keep it in any longer. Hugging his sister tightly, Kai sobbed as he sank his head on her shoulder, muttering, “I-I’m sorry… My mind was spiraling out of control again…”
“It’s okay,” his sister soothed him.

“So, about what you said earlier, you didn’t want us to leave you, yeah?” Cole wondered. Kai looked away and weakly nodded.
The Master of Earth sighed. “Look, buddy. We’re not gonna leave you, okay? No way that’s gonna happen. You’re our brother as well, you know. And… sorry if I was a bit too harsh about that rematch. I’ll try to make it up to you next time.”
Kai only smiled back at him before he faced Lloyd.
“Sorry you had to see all that, greenie,” he told him with an apologetic look as he rested his hand on the younger one’s shoulder. “I didn’t know how you’d feel when I suddenly ran away.”
“I-It’s alright,” Lloyd told him. “But are you alright? Is there something else on your mind?”
The Master of Fire stayed silent, a hesitant look in his eyes.
“I know you mentioned something earlier about not being good enough,” the Green Ninja pointed out.
Kai let out a sigh. “I… I don’t know… For so long, I’ve noticed I feel like I’m not the same as any of you. Cole’s strong, Zane’s logical, you’re the responsible one, and Jay and Nya have their own synergy or something, but me? I’m just… myself. It’s like you guys outshone my fire. I’m never like any of you. I never was, and I never will be,” he eventually opened up.

At that point, Lloyd had probably grown tired of his brother’s pessimism that he wanted to slap him just like his sister before him, but he held that thought aside, instead going for a more soothing approach.
“Kai,” he began. “It doesn’t matter if you’ll ever be good enough for us. Stop thinking that you should. You should know in yourself that you already are. To be honest, I don’t think you see it in yourself, but you’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. I’ve already lost count of how you saved our butts, even though it meant risking your own life. That’s who you are. You’re not selfish, you’re selfless.”

The realization soon dawned on the Master of Fire. Not only had he feared being left alone, but he had been looking on the negative side of things, a habit he had picked up ever since that… snake stole the flames that had always kept him warm.
He thought for a second.
If fire’s sole purpose is incinerating anything in its path, then why do people use it for light and warmth?
Wasn’t it fire that helped him when he worked in his family’s smithy?

“You are stronger than you think,” Zane chimed in. “You do not have to be alone, Kai. We are and we will always be with you.” The nindroid embraced him, with everyone else following, as he let the tears flow out of his eyes.
“Thanks, guys… I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Kai uttered, his voice cracking as a smile shone through his tears. He let out a sigh of relief, knowing that the others would stay true to their word, that never once would they ever leave him alone in perpetual darkness.

That night, he eventually agreed to join the others for the movie marathon they were talking about earlier that morning. Kai couldn’t be happier, seeing all seven of them huddled up around the couch; watching, laughing, eating popcorn and chips, and the like.
When they finished and began to head off to bed, Kai stopped Lloyd in his tracks so they could talk privately.

“You know,” he started. “Maybe you’re right, Lloyd. Maybe there was something that Master Wu saw in me that made me who I am. The fire inside me wasn’t just because of my powers, but because of how you put your trust in me, and in all of you. If only I had realized that sooner… Thanks for reminding me.”
The Master of Energy chuckled. “It’s nothing, really. I wanna thank you too, by the way.”
Kai’s brows furrowed in bewilderment. “What for?”
“For being the best big brother I never had,” Lloyd replied, wrapping his arms around him.
Kai smiled, shedding a single tear. “Anytime, green bean,” he told him as he returned the embrace and ruffled his younger brother’s blond hair.

With his fears now pacified, he drifted off to a dreamless sleep, the thought of abandonment haunting him no longer. His purpose may never change, yet it proved to be something he had promised to fulfill with his entire life.

As long as they all stayed together, he would be perfectly alright, and that’s what he had to live with.