Chapter Text
There was a time in my life when I could only remember happiness. The distinct feeling of warm grass under my fingertips, distant singing working into my ears, holding my soul gently, and pulling my heart into a hug. I remember curiosity and learning, bright colors, laughter that bubbles through your lungs, erupting that fizzy feeling in the body that no nerve can escape. The sense of joyous happiness when fear didn't have a name and hadn't carved through my brain leaves gaps of an impossible-to-fill void where there is nothing but myself. I remember light touches, a laugh from a warm body that shook me to the soul, but not from fear, from delight. The feeling of love sent a cold dread now familiar in my bones running. Those memories are fuzzy now, only a small comfort I can see in the long distance, desperately clawing my way, hoping, begging to know more, needing more comfort in this dark expanse of myself. Years later, the reality is that happiness was never truly deserved. I was lucky to even put words to those feelings so long ago; it was a privilege to feel like that once, when I was so small and knew so little. But now I am taller and know too much, my thoughts swirl, converging on my soul, dragging it down into the depths of hell, where I belong. Maybe death is too kind for a demon like me, perhaps I am meant to haunt the world imbued with one purpose, which once achieved, then I can rest.
My body shakes from a familiar touch that burns my nerves, but they never want to die out. I am determined and desperate to continue feeling the touch of one of the very few people I thought could love me. I was wrong, of course.
More hands lay upon me, more relief burns my body, I feel like I'm dying, but I don't want to stop feeling, I need their touch, but I don't deserve it. The selfish feeling that floods my veins makes me desperate to move, to run, to escape this feeling; my patterns burn in shame and hatred as I claw my way back, uncaring of the wet pain that spikes through my back, uncaring that my flesh is ripping away in my desperate attempt at space, caring at the look in their eyes when I run from them. I'm pitiful, yet they are unmoved, unscared, and worried.
They are too good for me, and I am horrible for them. A parasite on perfection, I, a destructive asteroid hurtling towards their gravity, but they don't move, they don't want to, they want me to hurt them, they want me. But I know better, I know how much I ruin, the poison is uncontrollable, it's unending. I know how to end it, though, so I will.
Fear bleeds through Mira and Zoey's expressions as the Honmoon ripples around my hand, my Saingeom unable to resist my call. All three of us pause for a moment. Mira's Gok-do and Zoey's two Shin-kal remain where they were when they both first manifested, aimed at me. A thought flickers through my mind, a desperate, selfish thought. I can ask them to kill me.
But my Saingeom is already here, so I might as well use it as I intended. A quick scuffle of my feet snaps both girls out of focus as I dart away. I don't know where I'm going, nor do I care. I need to get away from them. I can't let them see me, I can't let them watch my disgusting body finally rot from this world. The only good my body will ever do in its small life is feed the ground where I die. I can hear a strangled sound leave Zoey as her footsteps follow behind, and Mira's heavier ones quickly gain and pass Zoey. I push my exhausted body further and faster, desperate to find somewhere alone to die. Why are they following me? Why do they want me?
“RUMI PLEASE”
Zoey's cracked yell rattles my eardrums and stabs my brain, it echos; in the dark pits where fear was carved through mercilessly eating memories and erasing what was once mine like a toy a child was never supposed to have, what was never a toy but a sharp knife that carved the unnoticed scars into the child's skin. Into my skin.
My body slows, unknown to my reeling brain. So much is happening, why do they want me? Why do they care? Do they want to kill me themselves? But Zoey sounded so desperate… so scared… I caused that fear? But if she is scared of me, why are they after me? I don't understand what they see in me that they are so desperate for?
Strong arms wrap around my exposed waist, scrubbing the open wounds on my back from my earlier struggle. A foot catches my ankle unexpectedly as my momentum carries my body careening towards the concrete. I tuck and haphazardly roll, unable to fully recover, as the hands on my waist pull me down, halting my escape attempt, forcing my body to meet the ground harshly. My Saingeom slips from my hand, skittering loudly out of reach. I struggle for a breath before lurching forward, my fingertips barely brushing the hilt, before another body wrenches my arm away, putting both behind my back. I continue to pant desperately for more oxygen as I close my eyes and think of an escape plan. I need to get my Saingeom back. I have to die, and I need to. I wriggle using my demon strength, kicking my legs out, catching Zoey unaware and sending her sprawling. It's a slight jerk, enough to get her to focus on something other than my arms. I will never hurt her or Mira, no matter my desperation. I care for them too much. I love them too much.
Zoey’s body jerks, catching Mira's attention. I use this to my advantage, pushing away from them both. I grab my Saingeom and run up the stairs. While all three of us have strong endurance, being able to go hours with little sleep, fighting demons, I am well aware of my demon advantage. Zoey hates stairs, having fallen down them a few too many times to feel confident around them, especially going down. Apologizing silently, I burst up through the stairwell, climbing higher and higher to the top of the N Seoul Tower. I burst into a random door, slamming it behind me, quickly looking for rooms to hide in. The hilt of my Saingeom is slick with sweat, but I grip it tighter, curling my nails into my palm until I feel the distinct spark of pain and see my red ooze from my palm. Darting off when I hear the girl's footsteps becoming louder, I quietly close the door behind me, locking it. Huffing for a moment and calming my breathing, I step away, listening for any movement. I hear them distantly running by with panicked voices calling for me. I don't come.
Taking a deep breath, I get down on my knees and put my blade up to my throat. Closing my eyes harshly, I can feel my heart rate spike, my blood pulsing and escaping my skin. I think about Zoey's smile and Mira's soft eyes when she stares at Zoey while Zoey spews turtle facts by heart. Mira's chuckle when I mess up a new move in practice and get a soft commanding voice that corrects me, her calloused but addicting hands on my waist correcting my posture, her voice dripping honey and confidence into my ears as all I can focus on is her smell and touch. I imagine the taste of her skin under my teeth before thinking of Zoey. Our maknae, whose laugh feels like a carbonation to the body, a shot of caffeine to the heart, sugar in the soul. A healing balm that can soothe the oldest of aches, a touch that haunts my dreams and wrestles me from my nightmares, eyes of kindness, and a voice of warmth and uncontrolled love.
My eyes close for the last time tears clawing down my face and with a smile I slit my thro-
—----------------------
A body, no two bodies. Tears, cold and salty, burning my skin, a terrified voice, eyes of soft scolding and terror, but mostly love. Hands, four of them, burn on my skin, but I need it. I want it to purify my skin, and I want to be touched and loved. But they are so good and I am so bad. Voices blur my ears, words unprocessed in my head, I stare, unknowing how to react. I was about to die, I almost had peace, but the two people I wanted to protect stopped me. Why?
“Rumi, what the fuck are you thinking? Why did you run? I'm so sorry for pulling my weapon out, but please, stop running. I'm sorry. I love you. We love you.”
Mira's voice cuts through the fog of hatred and doubts. She said she loved me, and they both loved me. But how, why, they know what I am, they know I'm the enemy, but they won't kill me or let me die. What do they see? What do they not understand?
“... Why?..."
My voice is soft, a shadow of my singing voice from minutes ago, singing Golden on stage happily, singing Takedown with regret and fear. That's all I am, a shadow, something that should disappear, something that should never have breathed, something Celine should have ended.
“Because you idiot, we were startled but never stopped loving you. I don't understand why you never told us, and I don't know what would have happened if you had told us sooner, but this doesn't go any further. Mira and I talked years ago about how we love you and each other. We have both been waiting to tell you, but didn't know how because you have never shown any romantic interest in anyone. We figured you were aromantic and didn't want to force anything on you. But we love you and wa-… need you in our lives, at least I need you.”
Zoey's rambling feels like liquid bleach cleaning my insides. For years, they both loved and cared for me. Zoey still does, Mira might as well. I ran from the people who have reciprocated my feelings for years? This pain, ache, and loneliness may never have been a thing; it may have never needed to exist, but it did. Celine told me to, Celine talked me into it, I never knew anything else, who can I blame other than myself and her? But is she truly to blame for all of this? When does it also become my fault? Was it ever her fault or only mine? When did I stop being a child and become a weapon?
“Rumi, I can see your head spinning. I have loved you for a long time now. I am upset with how long you lied to us, but I am willing to forgive and work on things. But that means you can't die, you stay with us, and you don't lock yourself away in your room. I'm not saying to open up immediately; things take time, and mistakes will happen. I'll be here to help you with the process if you want to work on this. If you want to be friends or something more…”
I curl into a ball, my head loud, but their voices louder. They love me, and I love them, but how can they love me? I see myself in the mirror, I see a monster, someone who should have died as a child, someone whose life has been that of torture, of one purpose, of little allowed feelings but so many unallowed seeping through anyway. Is healing still possible? Can I work towards it? I would do anything for my girls. I didn't think it was possible, but… they said it is. Mira wants to forgive me, Zoey is holding her hand to me, pleading for me to return to them, and I want to.
“You both know what I am now, I'm a demon, your enemy, unfeeling, and the embodiment of evil. Demons take people's souls and live selfish lives, only serving themselves, and you both still want me? Still love me? I'm disgusting.”
A body moves closer, and I feel soft hands on my shoulders, Zoey’s. I could recognise her touch even with no senses other than touch, soft lips on my cheek, and rough but gentle hands on my waist dipping towards my hips. Mira's hands, I could reimagine even dead; her touch burned into my soul next to Zoey's, and I never want to forget them.
“I want to try.”
Four simple words seal this fragile thing, this unknown, unnamed thing, but it's a thing I will fight tooth and nail for. Something I won't just give up, something I almost died to get to. Something worth fighting for. Something selfish.