Work Text:
❖ ENCRYPTED HOLOBOOK // PRIVATE ARCHIVE // ENTRY #527 // SENATOR AMIDALA
[locked entry]
Ani -
Anakin,
I’m writing this instead of trying to speak, because I don’t trust my voice right now. I’m not ready to see you. But you’re everywhere. The room still feels like you. I miss you. But I can’t not think of that moment. When I saw you - when I saw the way you looked at Clovis. It was like you weren’t even present. You couldn’t hear my pleas for you to stop. You were just too busy getting revenge. Too busy to see what you were becoming.
I need you to trust me. That’s all I’ve ever really needed from you. Not rescue. Not protection. Just trust.
Your anger - it scared me, Anakin. And that terrifies me to admit.
Not because I thought you’d hurt me - not physically - but because you were gone. There was no softness in your eyes. Just fury. Just a stranger in the shape of the man I love. You’ve always had this fire inside you. I fell in love with it - with the way it burned for justice, for hope, for us. But this… wasn’t passion. It was fury. Uncontrolled, and consuming.
I have always known this part of you existed. I saw it on Tatooine with the Tuskin raiders. But that day I also saw your regret, your grief, your horror towards your own actions. Now, all you have is excuses.
You say you’re afraid of losing me. But don’t you see? You are losing me - not because of Clovis, not because of politics. Because of what you’re letting this war do to you. I’ve always known the war is changing everyone. But today… I wondered if it’s taken something from you that we won’t be able to get back. I'm scared of who you may be becoming.
I know love isn’t easy, especially one that is hidden like ours is, but we used to find light even in the shadows. Now I wonder if I’m losing you to something I can’t reach - fear, jealousy, the darkness… if this keeps going, I may not recognize you anymore.
And I don’t want that.
I want you.
I miss you.
I miss the way you used to look at me, like I was the safest place in the galaxy.
I want to talk. I want to reach for your hand and believe it won’t tremble with something I can’t understand. But I’m scared, and I don’t want to pretend I’m not.
Please, remember the version of yourself that I still love - fiercely. The one who smiled with the sunrise. The one who didn’t have to fight the galaxy to feel whole.
If you can find him again, maybe I can find us.
— PAS
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
❖ UNSENT // VOICE-TO-TEXT FILE 12B-4C // PRINT CEASED - SKYWALKER, A.
[Audio status: encrypted — Voice log not forwarded]
[Print status: Unprinted]
[low breath, pause]
I know you don’t want to see me. I’m trying to respect that. But I can’t sit with this silence. I can’t sleep. I can't eat. I can’t think when you’re not around. Not when you’re right here, on the same planet, in the same city. You're so close Padmé... but not with me.
It’s unbearable. Being away from you, not knowing if you’ll ever want to see me again. So I’m writing, because it’s the only way I can feel close to you without breaking the promise to give you space.
[sighs]
I saw him with you. I saw the way he looked at you... like he had any right. He was trying to kiss you and I just... I snapped.
I know that’s not an excuse. I lost control. And I know how it must have looked. I’m not proud of it, not of what I did, not of what I let myself become in that moment.
But it felt like the whole room closed in around me. I couldn’t think. All I could feel was fire in my chest, like everything in the room was collapsing inward. I saw red. I saw you slipping away. I saw him trying to kiss you.
It wasn’t about trust in you. I trust you. I always have.
But I don’t trust him. I can’t. After everything he’s done - Clovis has lied. Manipulated. Hurt you before. And now you’re working with him again. That I don’t understand. Bail doesn’t trust even him! Doesn’t that say something?
After everything he’s done to you - to us - you still gave him space. You defended him. You said it was for the mission. And maybe it was. Maybe you’re right. But then why did it feel like you didn’t believe me when I told you he was lying?
You used to trust me. You used to see me. Be on my side.
And now…
Now I’m the one being told I overreacted. That I scared you. That I should’ve walked away and let him have the space to hurt you again.
[pause]
I could never…would never… give that to him. But you…you believe in people. See the good in them, Padmé. That’s one of the reasons I…
[soft click, static, voice lowers]
That’s one of the reasons I love you.
But this time, I think you’re wrong. He doesn’t deserve your trust. This is a mistake.
I’m sorry I scared you. That’s the part I hate the most. I never want to be someone you’re afraid of. Never.
That’s what keeps me up at night. Just the thought that, for even one second, you looked at me with fear instead of love.
I don’t want to become someone you can’t look in the eye.
But I also don’t know how you can trust him. And I don’t know how to be away from you without feeling like I’m suffocating.
I’m trying to do better. To be better.
Just… please don’t give up on me yet.
— A