Chapter Text
It's strange knowing how long you have until you no longer exist. It's also strange planning exactly what you're going to say and who you're going to say it to before you die. That's what I've been doing since I found out.
I plan to die peacefully (though I know that's not likely) while my family and my boyfriend are beside me to keep me company. I'm going to be scared... Who isn't scared when they're dying? But hopefully I'll come to terms with it before it's too late to go according to plan.
I plan to give Oliver a kiss before I die and tell him that I love him. He's been with me through thick and thin, and this ordeal has been no exception. I think he's having a harder time coping with my death sentence than I am. He never seems to look at me the way he used to. Now he just looks sad.
I hope to change that before my time is up. I don't know how, but I'm going to. Save the sadness for after I'm gone, will you?
I'm going to note in great detail my last 13 days on this planet. According to my doctor, I'm going to grow weaker by the hour, so I have to reserve my energy if I want to write everything. If worse comes to worse, I'll have someone write it for me. If even worse comes to even worse, I just won't have the whole thing written.
I hope things go well, though.
In any case, this was my day:
I woke up around 4:30 AM with a terribly high fever, so naturally, my bed was drenched in sweat. It took a while, but after drugs were pumped through my system for a few hours, my temperature was back to normal.
I had another red cell infusion after that. My third one this week. They've told me before that having frequent transfusions does pretty much nothing to help, but they're doing it anyway, despite the fact that I'm inevitably going to die in less than two weeks.
After my transfusion, I ended up nodding off while I was sat up in my bed, some early morning talk show droning on the television. I could've sworn they talked about my disease, because I heard it in my dreams in that lady's exact voice. It may just be my brain getting itself worked up while I sleep, because I won't allow it to do that when I'm awake.
Lunch was fed through my NG tube, seeing as I'm very prone to inhaling my food, and that could cause me to die even sooner. Lots and lots of yummy nutrients that I couldn't taste and wouldn't want to.
Oliver came shortly after I was fed and my tube was cleaned. He looked incredibly sad when he walked in to see that I had more tubes stuck in my body than yesterday. I don't even remember where the new one was located.
Regardless, he came to my bedside and forced a smile. The first words either of us spoke were mine: "Cheer the hell up, Oliver. I'm not dead yet." That got him to laugh a little bit. We discussed his favorite pictures on the Internet from last night (he's such a nerd for memes), what he had for breakfast and lunch, and how much we missed choir club from high school. He sang a quick song for me, which made me smile bigger than I have in a while. I wanted to force him to promise to sing for me every day until I die, but I didn't want to bum him out, so I didn't say anything.
I gave him several kisses and he even took a nap beside me. I forced myself to stay awake, though, because I wanted to admire his adorable sleeping face. Oliver always had the cutest sleeping face, ever since we were young. I held his hand and kissed his forehead, and he snuggled into my side. We did this quite often, more now that I was bedridden.
Once he woke up and remembered where he was, he immediately remembered something. I was a bit confused until he pulled out a bunch of markers, a red wig, and a really funny-looking hat. Accompanying all of this, he pulled out a drawing I had made when we were very young of us as some weird-looking characters.
Needless to say, he made me cosplay my own character, all while I was stuck in bed. This made me really happy. It was nice to finally have hair again, not to mention the hair I'd always wanted. He put makeup on my face to make me look less dead. He drew really cool designs on the right side of my face where my scars were, and even drew the weird red eye over my eyepatch so I could have a left eye and look like my character. When he was finished styling the wig, he pinned the homemade top hat to the top, and took a step back. He looked very pleased with himself.
"Well, what are you waiting for? Take a picture." I requested, and he did so with his phone, immediately showing me afterwards. I was surprised to see myself looking like that. It was a pleasant surprise, though, and I laughed quite a bit. "Thank you, Oliver. This is cool."
It's amazing how the weirdest things become the most pleasant once you're in a situation like this. Having Oliver dress me up was fun, and he showed me a picture of him in full cosplay of the character I had drawn of him.
Oliver had always had a knack for sewing, and recently he'd gotten into cosplay, so it was only a matter of time before he made me do it as well. It was a lot more fun than I'd imagined, getting to be someone else for a while.
We put the pictures together in a collage and posted it to his Instagram, with the caption Oliver had written: "OC cosplay with this nerd of mine! I never thought I'd get to make him cosplay, but he let me dress him up today! ^__^" I'm not kidding when I drew that emoticon. He added that. He's too adorable.
He stayed with me for the remainder of the night until visiting hours were over. He did his usual "I'll see you tomorrow, I love you, Fukase!" thing and kissed me, casting a glance back at me before the nurse led him from my room. I could've sworn I saw hurt in that glance.
After seeing that, the gravity of the situation really started to hit me. When I was with Oliver, all of my pain seemed to go away, and I'd always completely forget about the fact that I was stuck in a hospital bed for the short remainder of my life.
The rest of the night was uneventful. Lots of vomiting occurred after being fed, I needed a very high dose of painkillers, and I wound up with another fever by 10 PM. Unfortunately, they wouldn't let me sleep until my temperature was normal, so I ended up staying up a little later than usual.
It is now 11:30 PM. My day is about to end. I'm happy to say that it was a pleasant one. I look forward to the next.