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“Keeley will you STOP!” Rebecca was fidgeting with her phone as she opened maps.
“Sorry babes…I’m just so excited!!” Keeley squealed in the back, Higgins was driving, Rebecca next to him, navigating him, apparently to Henry’s School where Ted was teaching the football, well soccer- Team. Roy in the back with Keeley, not talking a lot, just observing Rebecca from time to time.
Rebecca was breathing in and out, she was getting nervous and didn’t know why, it was just Ted. Her best friend, her best friend that she hasn’t seen in over a year.
Then the car stopped.
She looked at Keeley, then Roy and finally at Higgins who gave her a reassuring smile. She got out of the car and walked up, but then she stopped. She didn’t know why. She felt panic rise up in her chest, and she immediately walked away as far as possible.
Roy and Keeley shared a look, he followed her instantly.
“Rebecca. Wait, what’s wrong?”
“Roy- I- I can’t…I can’t go up to him and talk to him like nothing has happened… Roy…I-I can’t…”
“Blondie…it’s okay, you don’t have to. But why? You were so set on seeing him. What changed?”
“What if he doesn’t…want me here? What if he moved on from…what happened…”
“What happened Rebecca?”
She teared up, she remembers the night of the Gas leak, Ted stood infront of her house with Beard and Jane. He was in the room across from hers, they walked out at the same time and just stood there, then he kissed her, she felt happy, until she remembered he was leaving. He was leaving, and not coming back.
When she asked him to stay and he didn’t…she felt like she wasn’t enough for him, but she never told him that, she never really admitted it to herself until now, she is scared, scared of loving Ted, scared of letting Ted love her…if he even loved her, at this point she was certain he didn’t and he couldn’t.
“Rebecca breathe…” Roy pulled her into a hug. She didn’t even realise she stopped breathing. Is this how love feels? Being scared? Or is this just the aftermath of being in a mostly loveless marriage?
“Roy…can we just go back to the hotel…I- I can’t talk about it right now…”
He just nodded and helped her back to the car, she cried silently for the whole ride back.
Back at the hotel, Keeley sat next to Rebecca for a while. “So…do you want to talk about it?”
Rebecca shook her head. “Not today…please” Keeley knew, it must have been really hard on her if she refuses to talk about it. But she didn’t push.
Roy in the other room was on the phone with Beard. “And Ted didn’t tell you what happened with Rebecca that night? Just refused to talk about it?” Beard just let out a long breath. “Listen Roy. We can’t help them this time. Neither Ted or Rebecca. They have to figure it out on their own. I won’t tell Ted that you guys are in Kansas. Just promise me you won’t fuck it up.” Roy stayed silent and hung up.
“Roy…do you think something happened between them? Rebecca has never been this silent. I’m scared something is eating her alive and she won’t accept help from us, until it destroys her…”
Roy looked at Keeley, he knew what she meant. “Beard said we have to let them figure it out on their own…even if it hurts them in the process”
The night was over before Rebecca even fell asleep properly, she got dressed, took the car keys and drove to the nearest grocery store.
When she got what she wanted, she was about to walk up to the check out when she bumped into someone.
“Shit, sorry…” she quickly apologised, and picked up her stuff. “All good Ma’am, you got hurt or something?”
Her heart stopped.
She looked at the man.
Ted Lasso, in the flesh.
”Ted…” She looked at him, her heart was beating again, but faster, she felt this sting again…
”Rebecca Welton in Kansas…I never thought I’d see you here out of all places…”
How could he be so calm about this…she had to fight her tears. She had to get out of there…
“Sorry..I- I have to…” His smile dropped. “We can get out of here and talk in peace…if that’s something you want…?”
“Ted…are you sure?” He nodded, he had to fix what he had broken, he knew that.
Roy called him the night before. Told him they were in Kansas…also mentioned Rebecca’s breakdown. Ted knew it was his fault she felt this way. He had to fix this.
They arrived at his apartment, she sat on the couch and he sat next to her “So…what is it you want to talk about? I’m sure I made clear how I felt, when we were in the stands and at the airport.”
He opened his mouth, then closed it again. She let out a sarcastic laugh. “If that’s it. I should go…”
”Do you love me?” He asked bluntly, how could she love him after everything that happened.
”I thought the kiss made it clear Ted. Me begging you to stay. I thought the signs were enough, I thought I was enough…” She started crying, not because she was sad, but because she was angry, she was angry at herself for thinking he could feel the same, for thinking she was enough for him.
“You came all the way to Kansas for me. I think it’s a normal reaction for me to ask the woman I-…to ask if there is anything between us…don’t you think so?”
She knew he was right. But how could he not know after he kissed her that night, after he laid her on the bed, and made her feel like the prettiest woman he has ever seen and touched in his life.
“I thought there was something between us. I thought you would want me as much as I did. Needed me. But Ted…I never felt more alone than in the past year you weren’t there. Of course I love you, but- you left”
It was the cold and bitter truth, he left, he didn’t come. Even after she begged him to stay. He was a fool, he knew that now. He lost Rebecca Welton. He couldn’t fix it. You can’t fix something that’s this broken.
“R’becca…we can fix this…I know we can…” she shook her head, as she brushed the tears from her cheeks.
“We can’t fix this. And you know this. Ted I want this…but I’m scared…I’m scared of letting me love you…letting you love me…I’m scared that…you’re here one second and gone another. I’m sorry.”
This was it. They met, they loved, they left, met again and put an end to it. To all of it. Willingly? Not necessarily.
Ted knew he would always love Rebecca. But he would always feel the guilt of leaving and not coming back.
Rebecca knew she would always feel the want to open up her heart for Ted, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t ready to take the risk of getting her heart broken again. Again. And again. She begged and failed. If he didn’t stay around the first time, why would he now?
She was scared of letting him in. She knew there was something. But she finally admitted to herself that she wasn’t ready. She would always love him. But she would never be ready to love him, and let him love her.
The aftermath.
She felt it.