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“Jayjay?” Jason glanced up from his book, towards the stairwell. Lian was standing there, in her pajamas, face a little pink like she had just finished washing it.
“What’s up buttercup?” he asked, lowering his book. His reading glasses slid down his nose slightly, so he could glance at her over the top of them. Lian licked her lips, fidgeted a little, had this look Jason knew- had known since she was a little kid. “What’s wrong?”
She stepped off the last step, walking over towards the couch. She settled down next to Jason, pulling her legs up and folding her arms, resting them on her knees. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.” Jason closed his book, reaching for the table next to the couch and setting it on there. A moment later, and he was setting his reading glasses on top of it. “You can talk to me about anything.”
Jason hoped Lian knew that. He’d only said it, he felt, a thousand times- more so, lately, now that Lian was older. So much more when she first donned her Speedy costume- and now, at twelve, Jason knew the coming years would bring a lot of conversations he hoped she’d have with him- and Roy- honestly .
“I was just wondering… what was it like…” she trailed off, took a breath, “what was it like when you died?”
Jason stared for a moment, before he realized he hadn’t heard wrong. Lian had looked away, like she was ashamed .
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, “I shouldn’t have asked…”
“Hey, I said you can ask me anything . I still mean that.” He leaned back against the couch, folding his arms. “You really want to know?” Lian nodded, and Jason licked his lips for a moment. “It was… solemn. Because I accepted that it was going to happen. There was a lingering few seconds where I knew it was all over, that wasn’t a force on Earth that could’ve saved me- and I made peace with it all.”
“But you and dad always say you came back to… angry.”
“I did. The Lazarus Pit can make you unstable , and it pulled from me the raw hate I was feeling before the peace. And I projected it onto people that didn’t deserve that kind of hate- embraced it because the coming back part? It was scarier than the dying.” Lian nodded, and Jason leaned forward, trying to get into her line of vision. “Why do you ask?” Lian shrugged a single shoulder, and Jason frowned. “C’mon princess, I know there’s a reason. I know that look.”
He reached over, pinched her cheek, and Lian gave the faintest of smiles, pushing at his hand. “Just… I saw you patching dad up the other night, after patrol. You guys sent me to bed and acted like he was fine but… there was a lot of blood.” Lian swallowed. “And I just… what if one day we mess up ? What if one day one of you doesn’t come home?”
Jason’s eyes softened, and he reached back, smoothed his hand along Lian’s hair. “Honey… I’ll be honest.” Because Jason told himself he’d never lie to this girl. Told himself she deserved better than that. “We’ve been running that risk all our lives. I’m proof you don’t always come home. I got lucky, I got a second chance. Most people don’t. Your dad and I… we know the risks.”
“But you do it anyway?”
Jason nodded. “Yeah, we do. Because we’re doing something good . Because this world is changing, and we’re fighting back the only way we know how. But it’s dangerous , and we don’t ever tell ourselves it isn’t.” Jason left out the bit about the blood rush, the adrenaline, the high they got, when they donned their suits and hit the skyline. Because he was sure Lian understood that. She’d had her mantle two years now- she knew more than they gave her credit for.
This conversation was proof of that.
“But we have a lot to come home to,” Jason pointed out, still stroking Lian’s hair. “And trust me, no matter what happens to us, we’ll fight like hell to come home to you. We’re not going anywhere, Lian.”
Lian sighed, rested her cheek on her arm. “I used to think you were immortal,” she admitted, “you and dad. Like you couldn’t get hurt. Even when I saw you guys with bandages and bruises and split lips… it didn’t seem to matter. And when you guys let me tag along… I still thought so. You were so careful to keep me from seeing the nasty shit.” Jason let the language slip. “But now… I know you’re men . Men die , Jay.”
“Men do,” Jason admitted. “I’ve seen my share. I’ve killed my share.” Lian didn’t flinch- hadn’t even flinched, when Jason and Roy had had that conversation with her. “And you’re right- we’re men. We can’t pretend to be anything else. But we’re men who have done this all our lives, Lian. We know our limits.” Even if we don’t always listen to them . “We won’t leave you alone, Lian.”
“But can you promise that?”
Jason hesitated- and he had sworn not to lie to her- but Lian was twelve … “No,” he finally said, “honey, I wish I could. But I can’t.” Lian glanced away again, and Jason paused, hand pressed to her back. “But I also can’t promise that the world isn’t going to end come morning. Or that the sun’s comin’ up. We have to take it on good faith- and your dad? I have more faith in him than anyone else. I trust him with his life and mine… and yours .” Jason slid his arm around Lian, tugged her over. “I married him because I love him, and I love you, and I know how much he loves you. And I trust him. I’ve never trusted anyone like I do your dad.” He gave her a squeeze. “And while I can’t make you promises… I can tell you I’ve got faith in whatever magic your dad has down in his bones.”
Lian nodded, lifted up enough to lean her head onto Jason’s chest. “You could’ve lied,” she mumbled, as Jason reached up with his other hand, brushed his fingers against her cheek, before pushing her hair back.
“Yeah, I could’ve. But you don’t deserve lies, Lian. You deserve the truth. I won’t ever lie to you. That,” he leaned down, kissed the top of her head, “I can promise you.”
Lian smiled, whispered a thank you , before she settled into silence. Jason didn’t break it, kept his arms around his daughter, even as she finally whispered, “Jay… you said you got a second chance.” Jason gave a quiet mhm , and Lian reached up, traced her fingers along his arm, found an ancient scar and settled there. “Is that how you look at it? Was it… worth leaving wherever you were?”
Jason paused for the barest of moments, before he gave Lian a squeeze. “It was,” he said, “it was so worth it , Lian. Because no matter the hell I went through after, the mistakes I made- look where I ended up. With you and your dad. And you two- you mean more to me than I’ll ever be able to tell you.” Another kiss to the top of her head. “I love you, Lian. You’re my world.”
Lian smiled, blushing a little, before she squirmed about, until she was up on her knees, facing Jason. She tossed her arms around his neck, hugged tightly, resting her cheek against the crook of his neck.
“I’m glad you came back,” she mumbled. “Glad you met my daddy. Glad you love him.” Lian squeezed. “I’m glad you’re my dad, Jayjay.”
Jason swallowed, simply held the little girl who wasn’t so little, anymore. Who was growing up and winning his heart over again, day after day-
The little girl who was so like her father, so smart and so damn strong , that Jason felt like maybe the wretched world had a bit of a chance, if only for the fact that it had Lian.
She was still curled up with Jason, some minutes later, when the door from the basement opened and Roy appeared. He was fixing his ponytail, tank top covered in grease stains from his project. If Jason looked hard enough, he could see the judge of the bandages, on his side, through the fabric.
“Everything okay?” Roy asked, pausing and taking in the strange silence of the evening. Silence wasn’t a thing the family had ever known.
“Yeah,” Lian said, as Jason let go of her and she climbed off the couch. She walked over, tossed her arms around Roy’s waist and hugged him tightly- mindful of his side. Roy winced for a moment, but didn’t dare push her away- chose to affectionately brush at her hair. “Just talking.” She looked up, her face breaking into a big smile- and Jason saw the light in Roy’s eyes, over it.
Roy never failed to light up like the sun, when his daughter smiled at him.
“I’ll be in my room,” she said, letting go of Roy and stepping back. He nodded, as Lian headed for the stairs, called up after her,
“Not too late, it’s a school night.”
Lian paused, turned back and smiled at him, nodding- before she glanced at Jason, and kept that perfect smile for him. When she turned, she ran up the rest of the stairs- and Roy didn’t move, until he heard her door shutting. Once he did, he turned towards Jason, face falling serious.
“What were you talking about?”
Jason patted the couch next to him, and Roy walked over, dropping down onto it. It took a minute for him to shift around, get comfortable without irritating the wound Jason had stitched up, the night prior.
“She asked me what it was like to die.”
Roy’s eyes told Jason that was the last thing he expected him to say.
“She’s worried about you,” Jason said, nodding towards Roy’s side. “She’s a smart kid, and she knows you took a nasty hit. She… she’s worried we’re going to die out there.”
“And what’d you tell her?”
“That we might.” Roy frowned, his look a blatant what the hell Jason - a look Jason knew very well. “I’m not going to lie to her, Roy. I never will. I told her we knew the risks- but we’ve been doing this for a long time. And we’ll fight tooth and nail to always come home to her.” Jason shifted, turning to face Roy better, resting one arm on the back of the couch. “Nothing’s set in stone, Roy. She knows that. And she knows to have a little faith in us. At least in you . I told her that’s why I married you.”
Roy smiled then, sliding a little closer, leaning into Jason’s space. “Yeah? And here I thought it was my devilishly good looks and that thing I do with my tongue.”
Jason snorted, smacking his husband’s shoulder, before tangling his hand in his ponytail, pulling him in closer. Roy slid like liquid, inclined his head just so - in that way he had practiced so many times, so that Jason could kiss him easily, sweetly- slowly .
“One of the many reasons,” Jason mumbled, against Roy’s mouth. “One of the many, many , countless reasons.”
Roy smiled reached out and grasped at Jason’s tshirt, tugging him a little closer. “Maybe you should list ‘em to me,” Roy offered, “so, you know, when I go talk with Lian I can remind her how wonderful I am, and why she should have faith in me.”
Jason smiled- and instead of kissing Roy, rested his forehead against his. “Roy,” he offered, “she doesn’t need reasons. That girl would trust you to hold the world up on its axis.” Roy blushed a little, and Jason’s smile grew. “You’re her world. The day starts and ends with you.”
Roy’s eyes softened, and he reached up, wrapped his arms around Jason’s neck, kissed his cheek. “You know, you always know what I want to hear, Jaybird.”
Jason smiled, leaned back and pulling Roy with him, until his husband was resting against his chest. “I just tell you the truth, Roy. It’s what you deserve .”
And maybe, Jason had made the same promise to himself regarding Roy that he had made about Lian- never to lie . There’d been enough of that, in both their lives.
And he felt they deserved better.