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I never formally told my parents that I’m going back home, but given that the anniversary of Night’s passing is around the corner, alam ko namang alam nila na nasa Pilipinas ako. But I didn’t tell anyone. Not even my friends. I went home as discreetly as possible so I could leave as peacefully too.
I drove straight to our house in Punta Fuego. Tiyak naman na bukas pa darating si Santhrielle sa condo. If I arrive too early, si Maggie ang maaabutan ko. If I delay, baka naman wala na akong maabutan. So I waited in the old, empty mansion. We don’t have a stay-in housekeeper anymore. Pumupunta nalang every other day to check, at nagkataon na wala siya ngayon. With a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild in hand and a glass, I crossed the road to where the shore is.
Isa ito sa mga una naming pinuntahan. Noong gabing una ko siyang nayakap. Noong gabing naramdaman ko sa unang pagkakataon ang kapangyarihan niyang payapain ako. Ilang taon nalang ay magi-isang dekada na ang memoryang iyon ngunit malinaw pa rin sa’kin ang lahat ng nangyari. Ang itsura ng langit at ang tunog ng alon sa dalampasigan noong gabing iyon habang inaawitan ko siya ng kantang angkop sa taglay niyang ganda. Ang mga mata niyang ngumingiti kasabay ng kaniyang labi, ang boses at tawa niyang walang kapantay na ritmo sa kabila ng lahat ng musikang narinig at binuo ko.
She is the love that keeps me alive and living.
Kaya nitong mga nagdaang taon na wala na siya sa piling ko, I know I was not living enough. I was merely surviving and trying to get through it all because I promised her that I would not give up on life. Even when it has failed me repeatedly, I strive to make the best out of everything I do. Because of her. For her. For the future that I know is for us.
Naniniwala akong may awa ang langit at darating ang araw na ibabalik ako sa kaniya.
Gaya ng pagtitiwala ng lolo niya na sa’min ang habangbuhay na ito.
—
“Sir, hindi po alam ni Saint na kikitain ko kayo at hindi rin ako magaling magsinungaling. Mabigat po kaya huwag niyo po sana akong pahirapan. Hindi rin po ako magaling magtago sa apo niyo eh…”
The old man laughed heartily. Habang pinagmamasdan siya, I could see some of Saint’s features. Maraming pagkakahawig si Saint sa lolo niya kaya nakatitiyak akong marami rin siyang pagkakahawig sa mommy niya.
“It’s not like I will ask you to do something illegal. Calm down, young woman.”
“But this alone feels illegal, sir.”
“Tsk tsk… gusto ko pa naman sana na ang mapapangasawa ni Santhrielle, makakatulong ko sa business ko. Kung takot kang gumawa ng illegal, aba’y paano kita aasahan niyan?”
My eyes widened a fraction. May parte sa’kin na gustong maniwala pero umiiling-iling din naman sa gilid ang secretary niya kaya baka naman nagbibiro lang. Diyos ko. Mapapasubok ako sa pamilyang ‘to.
“T-totoo po bang nag smu-smuggle kayo ng mga sasakyan at baril sa bansa?” I immediately regretted it the moment I finished asking. Parang gusto kong sumigaw bigla.
Tumawa ulit siya na para bang ‘di ako sineseryoso. “Sino ang may sabi? Lolo mo?”
Umiling ako. “Marami pong… nagsasabi. Sinasama po ako dati ng lolo ko sa mga meeting niya o sa country club. Naririnig ko po ang pangalan niyo, bata pa ako.”
“Matanda ka na ngayon?”
“Noong mas bata pa po ako,” Tinantsa ko pa ang tangkad ko noong mga panahon na ‘yon, “Ganito po. Mga batang bata pa talaga.”
“You eavesdrop on adult business? I didn’t know you were nosy, Journey.”
“Hindi naman po pero hala, baka mamaya, alamin niyo po kung sino yung mga ‘yon tapos… ‘wag niyo pong gawan ng masama ha. Baka naman po hindi totoo, baka nagbibiruan lang sila. Hindi ko po talaga alam, bata pa po ako no’n eh, baka mali lang memorya ko—hala ‘wag niyo na nga po akong pansinin.” I panicked!
Tumango siya at tahimik na inabala ang sarili sa pagkain. Ginaya ko nalang din. At first, I thought he’s just waiting for us to finish the food so we could talk pero ilang minuto ko nang nauubos ang pagkain pero hindi pa rin siya kumikibo. I mean, I have all the time to sit here today but of course, I need to know why he asked to meet me.
“Sir?”
“Sabi mo huwag kitang pansinin. Madali akong kausap, Robles.”
Anak ng tipaklong! Grabe. Okay, trial pala yung patience ko para kayna Saint at Seri. Ito pala ang final boss. Talaga naman oh.
“P’wede niyo na po akong pansinin. Bakit niyo po ba ako pinatawag? Sir, kahit ano. Kahit gusto niyo po, mag uwian kami nina Saint sa Catanduanes araw araw para makita niyo yung mga apo niyo, ‘wag niyo lang po akong pagawin ng illegal, please. Hindi ko po talaga kaya.” Pagmamakaawa ko. Hindi ko matantsa ang lolo niya. Hindi ko alam kung nagbibiro lang ba siya o seryoso na pero mabuti na ang sigurado.
“Kanina ka pa illegal ng illegal, mukha ba akong kriminal sa’yo?”
Sa totoo lang, mukha siyang mafia boss. ‘Yong mga nakikita sa palabas na naka suit at fedora? Gano’n. Pero siyempre, hindi naman ako o-oo! “M-medyo hindi po…”
He and his assistant laughed. Like they find all of this funny and entertaining. “Ah, edi medyo oo?”
“Hindi naman po sa gano’n—”
“Medyo oo na medyo hindi.” He turned to his secretary, “Yves, we should contact the barber and the tailor. Baka kailangan kong ayusin ang tabas ng buhok at pananamit ko para hindi ganito ang impresyon sa’kin ng bata. What do you think, Journey? Should I get a buzz and less suit? Maybe casual would make me appear more welcoming?”
Ah, this man is hopeless. Pero naiintindihan ko kung bakit sa kaniya malapit ang mga apo at hindi sa mga magulang nila. Even when he appears intimidating at times, I cannot deny that he has a heart. He has the heart their parent’s lack.
“Alright, I’ll stop beating around the bush.” He cleared his throat and fixed his tie. “Bago ko pa makalimutan ang dahilan kung bakit kita inanyayahan. I’ll be upfront. The first time I heard about your situation with Santhrielle, I didn’t like you for my granddaughter. She has spent time and exerted so much effort to hide from the limelight only for you to what? Send her a message and ask her to coparent a cat with you? Alam kong lingid sa kaalaman mo ang kinatatayuan niya pero hindi ko gusto na unti-unti mo siyang dinadala pabalik sa atensyon at mga matang pilit niyang nilalayuan.”
Hindi ako umimik dahil totoo naman. She has sacrificed so much to attain that peace and yet here she is, making yet another sacrifice so she could be with me—a public figure.
“I know that you know I am right. Nabalewala ang lahat ng pinaghirapan niya dahil sa buhay na mayroon ka.”
Madalas, pakiramdam ko, ang selfish. Kasi para makasama ako, napipilitan siyang iharap ulit sa publiko ang sarili niya. Minsan, iniisip ko rin na tumigil nalang. I can focus on law instead. I will still thrive there. Mas payapa do’n para kay Santhrielle. Hindi pagpipistahan ng ibang tao ang buhay namin araw araw at makikisawsaw na para bang parte sila nito.
Alam kong para kay Saint, kakayanin ko naman. But I know her, she wouldn’t let that happen. Lalo pa’t alam niya kung gaano ko kamahal at pinapahalagahan ang binuo kong karera. It was also a tapestry of own success, my independence and freedom—na sa pamilyang puno ng mga abogado, hinayaan nila akong abutin ang sariling pangarap ko.
“Well, this is not some cliche melodrama where I will ask you to leave her. Lalayo ang loob sa’kin ng apo ko kapag ginawa ko ‘yon. But I will only beg you of one thing, Ms. Robles.”
“Ano po ‘yon, Sir?” Hindi maikakaila na kabado ako sa maaari niyang hingin.
“Kapag dumating kayo sa sitwasyon na kailangang bumitiw para hindi masakal… sana’y umuna ka na. May ugali ang apo ko na lalaban siya sa paraang alam niya kahit ipit na ipit na. Huwag mo sanang hayaan na hindi na siya makahinga.”
While preparing to leave, he turned to me again. “When it comes, leave her be and set her free. She will find her way back, I know… because I can feel that the stars of this lifetime align for you.”
I never fully understood that statement until the day I had to make a decision to leave her… for us and my parents’ sake. She would have probably fought her father. Life would’ve taken a different course. Kung hindi ako unang bumitiw, kung hindi ko siya hiniwalayan agad noong pinagbantaan ako ng ama niya, hindi ako sigurado kung gugustuhin ko ba ang naghihintay na hinaharap.
I do not fully believe fortune tellers but there was a time na may tour ako sa UK at sinamahan ko ang isang kaibigang kapwa artist na bumisita sa kilalang manghuhula sa Glasgow. Wala naman daw mawawala kung susubukan ko rin kaya pagkatapos niya’y sumalang ako. She said that there would be grief and endless agony if I didn’t leave. Hindi ko na inalam kung bakit. Hindi ko rin gustong malaman.
—
The old familiar scent of home enveloped my senses. Then and there, I knew she’s home. Nag ingat naman ako at siniguradong walang nakasunod sa paligid pero nangangatog pa rin ang dibdib ko, kabado. It was never about the people watching, Journey. Sa loob loob ko’y alam kong kabado ako dahil paano kung magising siya’t madatnan ako rito?
What would I do? What would I say? What if I just ask her to run away? Damn it.
I checked the entire unit. Wala siya sa sala, kusina, banyo, sa balkonahe, at iba pang mga kwarto sa condo. Ang hindi ko nalang natitignan ay ang kwarto niya at kwarto ko. Surely, she’s in her room and probably sleeping. Sa kwarto ko muna sana ako, hihinga sandali at ihahanda ang sarili pero sa ‘di inaasahan ay nadatnan ko siya doon. Nakahiga at mahimbing na natutulog sa kama ko, yakap ang unan ko, at nakabalot sa kumot ko.
I know Saint and how much of a heavy sleeper she is. Between the two of us, ako ang madaling magising. Pumikit ako ng mariin at pinag isipan kung isusugal ko ba. What if I wake her? Paano kung mabilis na siyang magising ngayon? What if she doesn’t want me here? Neverending questions clouded my mind but I shrugged them all off and took the chance.
Dahan-dahan akong humiga sa tabi niya at inunan siya sa braso ko. She moved a bit so I got scared that she might wake up but she didn’t. Nanatili siyang payapang natutulog at habang pinagmamasdan ay napansin kong may pagka-puffy ang paligid ng mata niya.
“Did you cry yourself to sleep?” She pressed her body closer and snuggled. Pinakiramdaman ko kung gising ba. “Are you awake… sinta?”
Nanlamig ako nang bigla siyang magsalita. “You just got home, mahal?” I stayed still, waiting for something. Waiting for more. “Make sure you close the door, the cat might go out…”
Okay, tulog. I closed my eyes and firmly pressed my lips against the top of her head. “Are you tired, Saint?”
She mumbled something. I couldn’t understand so I asked her again. “Kamusta ka, sinta?”
“I’m exhausted, pagod na… work here, meeting there… I don’t even know if I’m doing well, baby.” She uttered in her sleep. “I shouldn’t be here. This is not where I am supposed to be, Journey. Not a politician, not in the government.”
“You are doing well. You’re doing great, as a matter of fact.”
“Do you see it?” She asked as if she’s in her senses. But I know so well that to her, this is a dream she will forget when she wakes up in the morning. Ganiyan siya kapag pagod. Iniisip na panaginip lang ang mga pinag usapan namin kinagabihan.
“Yes, I see it. We all do. We see all the programs that you do, all the facilities established under your term, your service. It’s seen and felt, Saint. And I know most of the time, we find ourselves in places we feel we shouldn’t be in but as long as we can make a difference, then we thrive in those places. Hindi mo kailangan yung posisyon, oo… but maybe this was your temporary redirection, my love. Because the people needed you and you’ve helped them in so many ways we could ever imagine. You have impacted so many lives and for that, I am proud of you.”
“You are?”
“Always. And I’m sorry if I can’t be with you when you need to rest but please find ways to take a break. You don’t always have to be at your best all the time, right? It is consistency that matters—the art of showing up even when you can only give 5% of yourself today… or 20%. You don’t always have to save the world. What matters is you’re there and you show up. And I’m sure the people appreciate that. Hangga’t wala kang ginagawang masama at hindi ka tumatalikod sa prinsipyo mo, Santhrielle.”
“I would never… no matter how hard, I would never choose immorality. Alam mo bang… the moment I sat in office, sunod sunod agad na mga offers… fraud, corruptions, name it. And they are not nice, love. They are not nice to those who turn down… their offers. I feel like the only reason why I am still here, untouched… is because I am my father’s daughter and that they would never dare.”
“Hmm…”
“Sometimes… I want to thank him for that. But then I remember, he is the reason why I was in that position in the first place. I shouldn’t be there. I shouldn’t be anywhere… far from you. You’re where I belong…”
And I know the lights will guide us home.
“Ano, kamusta?” Bungad ni Seri pagkasagot na pagkasagot ko ng tawag niya. Nasa sasakyan na ako. Unti-unting lumiliit ang gusali ng condo habang nagmamaneho ako palayo hanggang sa nawala na ito sa paningin ko.
“May kasalanan ako.”
“Marami, ate. Pero ano na naman ngayon?”
I sighed heavily. “Nag spray ako ng pabango sa sarili ko bago umalis… maaamoy niya ‘yon pagkagising. Shit… hindi ko naman sinasadya pero kasi, ayaw bumukas no’ng purifier.”
“Wala kang awa sa kapatid ko.”
“Sorry, hindi ko talaga sadya.”