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It felt really good to be back. In the last years, Gerard had wondered if he still had it in him to perform like that, to pour his whole heart and soul into every performance. But as soon as he started to rehearse with his one and only band, it was like they had never broken up. My Chemical Romance was back, the fans were going insane, and Gerard had big plans.
The Reunion Tour was super fun. They were all having a good time and were closer than ever; even his relationship with Mikey, his own brother, felt somehow closer. They had gone through so much, and yet here they were, happy, healthy, sober, and doing what they loved. It was exciting, like in the beginning when they wanted to change the world with their music. The tour ended and they already knew what they'd do in the next one. It'd be big. It'd be theatrical. It'd be them, giving their best.
And they had never had so much fun on stage. They had to act up there, and Gerard was a great actor. There was fire everywhere, actors who were there only to portray their characters, and a new world to explore with the crowd.
Then there was that one moment. Well, if Gerard was being honest to himself, there had been a couple of moments before that too. Sometimes he would just forget everything for a few seconds and Frank was the only thing he could see, as if the sole purpose of the crowd and the show was just so they could be there, sharing a moment no one else could understand. But that one moment had really caught Gerard off guard. He was singing, and Frank walked up to him, like so many times before. He got really close, like so many times before, and Gerard almost forgot how to sing for a second. He thought Frank was going to kiss him, right there on the stage, in front of everyone. But that didn't happen, and Gerard kept singing as if that interaction hadn't affected him at all.
But it did. It would have been terrible if they had kissed in front of everyone, but Gerard wasn't sure if he wouldn't have kissed back, and that was scary. He didn't know what to do with that. Part of him wanted to kiss Frank in front of everyone and to hell with everything else. Kissing Frank onstage was one of the best feelings he had ever experienced, and fuck, he missed it.
They were both mature now, there was no need to play silly games; normal people talk. So even though it made Gerard really nervous, he texted Frank to see if he was still up. They had gotten to the hotel almost an hour ago, Gerard had taken a relaxing shower and he was fucking exhausted, but he couldn't fall asleep, so he'd at least take a step in the right direction. But he really wasn't expecting Frank to reply to him right now. Frank wasn't sleeping! Why wasn't he sleeping yet? Was something bothering him? Could he be thinking about… Gerard? Having the same doubts about their relationship? No, that was silly. Super silly.
“Cig?” Gerard texted him, and fuck, was he silly. But Frank replied with a smiley face, then started to type a message. Gerard felt butterflies, like a teen that was trying to meet up with the most beautiful kid in school.
“Don't wanna be outside tho so open the window”
Gerard felt straight up giddy now. He got up and opened the window, then he couldn't help but rush and open the door, and he did it just as Frank was walking down the corridor, since they were only a couple of rooms apart.
“We shouldn't smoke in the room”, Gerard said as Frank got in.
“Oh we're such rebels”, Frank chuckled, closing the door behind himself.
They pulled up a chair each and sat next to the open window, then lit up their cigarettes. They smoked in silence for a while, and Gerard felt calmer. Only Frank could make smoking in the middle of the night in silence feel so comfortable. He just had such warmth that anyone would feel completely safe around him.
“Why are you still awake?” Gerard asked.
“Sometimes it's hard to fall asleep no matter how tired you are”, Frank shrugged. “Why are you awake?”
Gerard shrugged as well. “Could be lots of things. Thinking about our next show, thinking about our album, thinking about our last show…”
“Tonight's show was awesome, wasn't it?” Frank asked with a smile that made Gerard's heart skip a beat. “I'm having so much fun. I love your ideas.”
“Yeah”, Gerard smiled, looking down. “It's always fun up there.”
“You drive everyone insane.”
“We all do”, Gerard said.
“No one as much as you”, Frank said, taking a drag of his cigarette.
Gerard shook his head, but let it go. That wasn't what he wanted to talk about.
“You scared me there for a second”, he said.
“And you scare me in almost every performance, you crazy man”, Frank giggled. “When did I scare you?”
“When you got close to me like that”, Gerard said, blowing smoke out the window and staring at the sky. “Like you were going to kiss me.”
“Oh. Yeah, for a moment I really thought I was gonna kiss you”, Frank said, sounding serious now, like this conversation had become important.
Gerard looked at Frank for a moment, then looked away. “But you know you can't.”
“Would you have kissed me back?” Frank asked.
“You know you can't, right?” Gerard asked.
“It looked like you'd kiss me back.”
“Frank! We can't!” Gerard said, and now he regretted texting Frank. Talking never worked with them. Not when the conversation was about them.
“Why not? We used to do that and everyone loved it”, Frank said.
“But you know they make a big deal out of it”, Gerard muttered.
“So what? You're gonna let strangers control your fucking life?” Frank asked, feeling a little angry.
“I'm letting them control an insignificant aspect of our performance, not my life.”
“Insignificant!?” Frank asked. “Insignificant, Gerard!?”
“Well yeah, it's not like our kiss would mean something”, Gerard said, finishing his cigarette and throwing it out the window. “The executions mean something, the dictator means something. Us kissing wouldn't mean anything.”
Frank was dumbstruck for a second, then flicked his cigarette out the window and got up. “Right. See you tomorrow.”
“Frank, c'mon, why are you mad?” Gerard asked, getting up as well. They were standing too close now.
“You just called me insignificant”, Frank said, sounding genuinely hurt.
“Please, you know that's not the truth, you know I'd never call you that. Our kiss… Our hypothetical kiss would be insignificant for the story we're trying to tell”, Gerard said.
“And what would it mean to you?” Frank asked. Gerard bit his lip and looked down, shaking his head. “Why did you leave me after breaking up the band, Gerard?”
Gerard looked at him, running his hand through his hair as he shook his head more. “What should I have done, Frank?”
“I don't know, Gerard!” Frank angrily said. “I never know shit. I never know when you want me close or when you'll push me away. I don't fucking know! Sometimes…” he took a breath, his voice getting softer. “Sometimes you look at me like we could be happy. Like we could be real. Like all the years apart didn't change a thing between us.”
Gerard's heart ached, and he couldn't help but wonder if Frank had spent late nights thinking about what they could have been if things were different. Gerard did that all the time, especially now that they were together in an active band again.
“I… I don't know what to say, I'm sorry”, Gerard whispered.
“Yeah, you only know what to say when you have a fucking crowd listening”, Frank bitterly said, using his leg to push his chair back so he'd have room to back away and get out of there. But just as he was turning away, Gerard took his hand. And Frank stopped. He always melted when Gerard touched him. He always let him do anything he wanted to.
“Words never seem right when I'm with you”, Gerard whispered. “They never seem enough. They never mean as much as they should. They seem shallow compared to you.”
Frank was completely hypnotized. He knew that as soon as this was over he'd hate himself for being this weak.
“And still I love every word that comes out of your mouth”, Frank said, looking at Gerard's lips. Gerard closed his eyes and shook his head a little, seemingly so vulnerable that it broke Frank's heart. “I still love you, Gerard. I always will.”
Gerard let go of Frank's hand to gently cup his face with both hands, leaning in closer.
“No one can know”, Gerard whispered. “Promise me.”
Frank nodded without hesitation. “No one can know. I promise no one will know.”
Gerard was so relieved to hear that. It wasn't ideal; it was never perfect with them, but it was perfect for them anyway. It only mattered that they were together. And in that moment, it was just the two of them in the world.
“No one can know that I love you, like I always did”, Gerard whispered.
Frank got a little teary, holding Gerard's waist and pulling him closer. “No one will know, Gee.”
And with that, Gerard leaned closer and kissed him, softer than any kiss before. They were still the same kids, madly in love but not knowing exactly what to do about it. They didn't know what the future held for them, but maybe this time they'd work it out.