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There was a lull in the conversation, and Jannik and Jack both looked towards the opposite side of the bar, where Carlos and Emma were sitting in plain sight. Carlos was wearing a well-fitting white button-down with black jeans, and Emma was dressed in a black mini skirt with a blue and white patterned blouse on top, her hair falling in soft waves around her face. They looked picture perfect together.
“You into her too?” Jack suddenly asked.
“What? No.” Jannik retorted.
Jack looked at him with amusement on his face, and Jannik realized his mistake. It felt like it was too late to change his answer. There was another stretch of silence before Jannik mumbled: “I don’t know… things are confusing with him.”
“You wanna talk about it, mate?”
The offer was tempting. The amount of guys Jannik considered his friends on tour had shrunk considerably over the last couple of years, and Jannik didn’t know if he was just bad at maintaining friendships or if his winning streak had alienated everybody. However, his friendship with Jack had somehow survived against all odds, and Jannik felt a sudden rush of affection towards him. It would feel good to talk about it with someone other than Matteo Berrettini, a man who refused to undertsand why Jannik was turning something so simple into something so complicated.
“Sometimes I think he likes me and sometimes I’m not so sure.”
Jack huffed a laugh. “I’m sure he likes you very much, Jannik.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah I do, and my answer remains the same.”
“I don’t know…” Jannik hestitated. “He’s very friendly with everyone. Always smiling, always touching. I used to think it was more with me than with the others, but maybe I’m not that special.” Jannik flushed red at his own words, thinking he had gone too far with this already.
Jack looked at him softly. “Mate, whenever you two play each other in another final or whatever, Carlos looks at you like you personally hung the stars up in the sky”.
“Oh, fuck off!” Jannik started laughing and hid his face behind a bottle of coca-cola he’d been sipping.
“I’m serious. I’ve never seen him look at a girl the way he looks at you after a game.”
Both guys glanced at Carlos’ and Emma’s direction again. Jannik had to admit, there was something stiff in Carlos’ posture, his smile too pasted on. He looked like he’s been forced to entertain a high-ranking guest and has to be on his best behavior.
“Everybody knows it’s for PR.” Jack continued. “The woman sitting behind them, that’s Linda, Emma’s publicist. You don’t bring your publicist on a real date.”
“Maybe you do if you’re planning to be tennis’ biggest power couple and the highly talked about USO doubles are starting tomorrow.”
“Can’t you just ask Carlos about it? You two seem to be getting on really well again. I saw the insta posts after Wimbledon.”
“Yes, we’re friends again.” Jannik looked down at his drink. “It would be easier if we weren’t. I don’t know if you’re interested to hear the fully history here or… I don’t know where to start”.
“I got plenty of time, mate.”
“So,” Jannik began, “I liked him from the beginning, but I tried to not let it show. We were both teenagers on tour, there was no way. I was a little older than him and I felt that it was my responsibility to stay professional, for both of our sakes. I didn’t want to, I don’t know, take advantage of him in any way. Carlos was always very friendly with me, however, and I was beginning to think that he… might feel something back. We started to kind of flirt with it each other, at least I think we did. And he said so many nice things about me to the media, even though he was ahead of me in tennis and I was still struggling to find my way. It got to the point where we were always hanging out, watching each other play, telling each other jokes, so on. Every time he texted me something, he added a heart emoji at the end.” Jannik reddened at this. “I was sure something was going to happen between us, eventually. Anyway, the whole situation culminated at the Six Kings Slam final last year. We were both in a great mood and things got very touchy-feely. I forgot myself for a bit. Then there was moment in the post-match interview where I said something stupid and the interviewer made it seem like I was thinking about Carlos every morning. Carlos laughed it off, but it was awkward.” Jannik grimaced.
“And then?”
Jannik waved his hands around. “And then came the doping case. He didn’t text or call. Nothing. I thought it was over. Either I had imagined everything or he had changed his mind about me and thought I was a cheater. I tried to avoid the statements other players made about my case, but I saw his one.” Jannik grimaced again. “I guess he tried to stay neutral, but it was more negative-neutral than positive-neutral, you know. That hurt a lot”.
“That sucks” Jack said slowly, “But look at it from his perspective. I’m sure his team advised him not to say anything too positive in public while the outcome was still uncertain. I mean, have you seen his team? That’s a hundred-person entourage. He needs to make a lot of people a lot of money. I don’t envy him in that regard. That’s a different kind of pressure, you know. He still lives with his family too.”
“You’re right.” Jannik muttered. “But that is probably why him and I are never going to happen, and why he is now sitting there with Raducanu. I can’t compete with the optics here. And he’s got plenty of girls to choose from, the WTA love him. Apparently Carlos is in everybody’s DMs. I didn’t even realize that texting a girl you don’t know is something guys did, but apparently everybody is doing it. Nobody has texted me in this way.” Jannik said sullenly. “Only Aryna when she wants to hit the balls extra hard I guess.”
“I’m not good at the whole sliding into DMs thing myself. I get too self-concious.” Jack said. “Like, there is no way I won’t come off like a complete tosser. And maybe someone says something about you doing it in an interview later, and you get a ton of internet hate. I don’t want to deal with that”.
“But you texted Qinwen?”
“Yeah, but only after she said something about wanting to play with me. To be honest, the organizers suggested it to my team. I guess they saw Qinwen saying that. Works for me though, she’s an amazing player.” Jack shrugged his shoulders.
“So who would you text if nobody found out?”
“Like, Romantically?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t even know. I used to have a crush Emma Raducanu actually, but she wasn’t interested”.
“Really?” Jannik said with interest. “Did you say to her how you felt or…?”
“No, but I didn’t need to. I wasn’t very subtle and she started avoiding me. You know how girls do when they feel bad and don’t want to let you down.” Jack grinned self-deprecatingly. “And she dated a billionaire after that, so I don’t think I was up to her standards anyway.”
“It amazes me how you can be a model and still not be confident in yourself.” Jannik felt indignant on his friend’s behalf.
“Thanks, mate, but it’s not about that. I know I’m a decent-looking guy, but there are a lot of good-looking guys out there. I’m not a billionaire, and I’m not a once-in-a-generation star like Alcaraz. Maybe I’ll luck myself into a slam or two over the course of my career, but I’m not good enough to do a career slam. “
“I don’t think- “
“No, it’s okay. You don’t need to bullshit me about how I can do anything I set my mind to and all that shit. My coach and mum already got it covered. You know I usually have a positive outlook on things, but I also need to be realistic. I don’t think I’ll even come close to Andy’s legacy.”
“That wasn’t what I was going to say. Not everything is about sports. You’re a kind and loyal person, that matters much more than any sports achievement.”
“Thanks, mate” Jack smiled.
“Besides, there is no such thing as lucking your way to a slam, we both know that. It takes a lot of hard work to get there even once.” Jannik snorted and continued, “If that’s the standard you’re setting then Emma Raducanu herself is the one with a “lucky slam.””
“It’s different for girls.” Jack laughed. “I don’t have the sponsorships or PR dates she has”.
Jannik and Jack looked at the other end of the bar again. Carlos and Emma had moved on to drinking margaritas, but that didn’t stop it from looking like a job interview.
“I was sure it was just for publicity too when their doubles pairing first got announced, but now I’m not so sure.” Jannik said slowly. “When I came back in Roma, I was determined not to make a fool of myself to Carlos a second time, to always keep a professional distance. I was sure he was going to act the same. But he was friendly again from the start. He said to me in Roma, before the final, that he missed me. I felt like I needed to act friendly too, it would have been impolite not to. Then Roland-Garros was a disaster.” Jannik sighed. “I was so sure I was going to win. Me and my team, we worked so hard for this. And when I didn’t, I wanted to disappear. It would have been fine to get outplayed, but to lose a match because I screwed it up myurself, it was awful. And Carlos said such nice things about me in his speech, it was unbearable. I would have preferred if he had said that he thinks I suck and deserved to lose. That would have been easier to handle than him praising me and my character. I felt like I didn’t deserve it.”
“You did. You do.” Jack quickly interrupted.
“Thanks. That means a lot to me.” Jannik smiled weakly.
“But you’re friends again?” Jack prompted.
“Yes, he started texting me after the Roland-Garros final. He asked me how my team was doing, how my family was doing. He even asked me how my cat was doing. I didn’t feel like talking to him, it was too soon, so at first I didn’t say anything. But after I lost in Halle, he immediately texted me again, like 30 seconds after the match ended, so I caved in and texted him back. We talked a lot about how annoying Bublik is” Jannik said with a smile. “So I congratulated him when he won in Queens. After that we talked some more and agreed to be be friends again. Then it was nice in Wimbledon. Everybody kept asking me about the Roland-Garros loss, but I was truthfully over it. I think I have to thank Carlos for that as well, he helped a lot without realizing. He never gloated, but he didn’t act like he pitied me either.”
“And then you won!” Jack smiled triumphantly.
“Yes, and he was so gracious about it.” Jannik started wringing his hands together agitatedly. “He looked so happy for me, I didn’t know what to do. Like he wanted me to completely have this moment for myself. He’s always so nice to me, and I never know how to return it. I try to, but I always screw it up somehow.”
“Hey, you’re nice too”.
“There’s a reason they call me a robot. Maybe Carlos thinks I’m a robot, too.”
“No, I don’t think he does, mate.”
They smiled at each other.
“So, I decided to be braver after Wimbledon, to show him that I’m still interested, if he’s still interested. I started to be flirtly again. Maybe I was being a little too brave.” Jannik blushed again. He wasn’t sure if telling Jack this was a good idea, but then again, he had already overshared so much this evening, he might as well throw his entire dignity away in one swoop. “Carlos texted me that he had an another Evian photoshoot with Emma Raducanu coming up, and I texted him that he should try to pretend to be more into her this time around. He texted me back, saying that he doesn’t know how to pretend to be into someone, and I answered, in a moment of stupidity, that he should just pretend that she’s me and look at her like he looked at me after the Wimbledon final. I even added a picture of him looking at me with a sweet expression on his face, to prove my point.”
Jack chortled. “And what did he say to that?”
“I got a thousand emojis back, half of them the blushing face. And then Carlos texted that he doesn’t think he can look at anyone the way he looks at me.” Jannik ended with a guilty face.
“Are you serious, mate? Then what are you waiting for?” Jack shouted while laughing.
Jannik laughed too. “That was before Cincinnati so we were in different locations at the time. But after that we stopped texting, and once the North American tour started, it’s all been about Emma Raducanu. He keeps posting about her and their events together, and people love it. Maybe he took my advice too seriously and developed feelings for her? They spend a lot of time together now. Like I said, it’s confusing.”
“Look, I know it’s scary, but maybe you should try being more concrete.” Jack said.
“Concrete how?”
“If you’re uncertain whether Carlos just wants to be friends with you or if he’s being serious, then maybe he’s unsure about you, too.”
Jannik pinched the bridge of his nose. “If I screw this up, it will be awful. What will I even say?”
“You’re asking the wrong guy here, mate. I thought the italians were supposed to be better at this whole love thing than us brits?”
“We usually are, I don’t know what happened to me” Jannik said with a laugh. “Matteo said something similar, that I should just let my body do the talking”.
They both started laughing at that.
“They’ve left!” Jannik suddenly said.
Jack looked over and true enough, the space that Carlos and Emma had occupied was empty.
Some hours later, Jannik was finding his way back to his room at the hotel. Him and Jack had stayed at the bar longer than planned, but Jannik had wanted to take his wingman duties seriously and stayed to help Jack meet some girls. Truth be told, Jannik had also needed some time to take his mind off Carlos and he hadn’t minded staying for longer. At the end, he had left Jack at the bar in the company of a tall brunette whose name Jannik hadn’t caught and didn't bother to re-ask. It was nearing 11 PM when Jannik had decided it was time to go.
He was rounding the corner of the hallway to his room when he heard a sharp “Jannik, wait!” behind him.
Carlos was walking swiftly towards him with a decisive look on his face. He had changed his clothes into a casual sweatpants and sleeveless top combo, which Jannik silently preferred but would never have admitted out loud.
Carlos didn’t bother with the preliminaries. “Where you talking about me? At the bar?”
“A little.” Jannik confessed.
“What did you say?”
“Only nice things, don’t worry.”
The look of concentration on Carlos’ face started to give way to his usual manic smile.
“Good.”
There was a moment of silence and both hesitated, unsure how wise it would be to continue.
“Are you and Emma Raducanu…” Jannik didn’t know how to finish this question without delving into something that didn’t seem to be his business.
“We’re just friends.”
“Oh.” Jannik took a deep breath to brace himself and stepped closer to Carlos. “And you and me? Are we also just friends?”
Carlos’ eyes turned into slits and disappeared into his cheeks, his smile taking on a remarkably predatorial look. He also moved closer to Jannik.
“Dangerous to be anything other than that, Janni.”
Jannik hummed in agreement. “I’ve been thinking about that lately. I think I’d like to live dangerously every now and then.” If this had been a tennis match, then the ball would be firmly on Carlos’ side of the net.
“Are you going to your room?” Carlos pivoted.
“Yes. I need my beauty sleep.”
“You don’t need it.”
Jannik had planned for it to be a light joke, but Carlos’ answer was dead serious, leaving them with another silence filled with expectations.
“Can I come? I want to talk.”
Jannik nodded and they padded softly across the corridor together. Jannik knew that this was it, the moment of finding out. They were either going to take the plunge or revert back to polite and fake nothingness. Jannik wanted to dive in. He had always wanted to dive in.
His room was surprisingly small for a top athlete, most of it occupied by a huge double bed which left no room for walking around. What little space there was left was covered by haphazardly thrown around clothes and gifts from sponsors. Jannik’s personalized fox plushie was lying in the middle of the bed and Jannik really hoped that Carlos wouldn’t notice. He sat on the edge of the bed and quickly pushed the toy under the covers before the other could see.
Carlos sat next to him, looking far more comfortable of the two. He kicked off his shoes and leaned back on the bed like he belonged there.
“So.”
“So.”
“Are you and Jack a thing?”
Jannik smiled at the petulance in Carlos’ voice.
“No, Jack and I are not a thing.”
“You know I like you.” Carlos ventured. “Because if you don’t know then you’re the last person alive who doesn’t know.”
Jannik looked sideways at the wall because it seemed easier this way.
“I know.”
“Ah. You don’t like me back then?”
“Of course I like you back, Carlos. It’s that… the media is already too invasive, and I think there are safer options for you.”
Carlos shrugged his shoulders. “The heart wants what it wants, Janni. You know we’re electric together. People can feel it when we play each other. I knew from the beginning you were special.”
“I don’t think I am special. Everybody knows you’re special. You’re a genius. Nobody calls me a genius, no matter how much I win.”
“I think you’re a genius. I am that someone.” Carlos remained unperturbed and Jannik started to feel frustrated.
“You don’t get it. You think I don’t know who they are all rooting for in our matches? You think I don’t know who the royalty wanted to win at Wimbledon? Or who Roger’s and Novak’s favourite player is between the two of us? It’s funny that Rafa has been the nicest to me when he has had the least reason for it. Even Agassi thinks you’re the best.”
“That’s not true!”
“Yeah it is.” Jannik smiled a little. “It’s okay. I know that nobody owes me anything. But it feels terrible to be in love with my biggest rival and everybody knows that he’s more talented than me.”
This time it was Carlos who went red in the face. “In love, huh?” He smiled and reached out his hand to touch Jannik’s wrist. “Those things you said about yourself, they’re not true. And even if they were, what do they know about anything anyway? They tell me all the time to be more like you. Juanki keeps saying to me in practice, you have to keep focus like Jannik, you have to return like Jannik. I was so depressed after Wimbledon, trying to figure out how to hit from the baseline like you.”
Jannik started giggling at that. “And did you? Figure it out?”
“Maybe.” Carlos smiled flirtatiously and moved himself closer to Jannik. “You have to find out the next time we play each other.”
“You’re a tease.”
“Me? Outrageous!”
They couldn’t stop grinning at each other and this time the moment of silence was pleasurable. Jannik took hold of Carlos’ hand and ran his fingers lightly against his forearm, hoping that Carlos will get the cue. He did. Carlos lifted his upper body off the bed, put his hand on Jannik’s neck, and leaned in to kiss him.
Carlos' lips were as soft as Jannik had always imagined they were.
“I can’t breathe.” Jannik murmured against Carlos’ mouth a minute later.
“Me neither.” Carlos smiled.
They broke off and sank next to each other on the bed. Jannik felt happiness flood through his veins like pure liquid. It was a different kind of happiness compared to winning a grand slam, but no less potent. The happinness he felt after winning a tournament was like delayed gratification for all the hard work he had put in in training, but the happinness felt right now was more subdued and hopeful. The kind that was directed towards the future instead of the past.
They stayed quiet for some time, each thinking their own thoughts.
“I love you too, Jannik.” Carlos said after a while.
Jannik put his hands beneath his head and turned to the side to face Carlos. “What are we going to do?” he asked softly.
“I don’t know.”
“I want to be the best I can be. I don’t know how it is for you, but Italy is counting on me. I’m the first number one male tennis player they’ve had. Spain had Rafa, but Italy has only me. I can’t let them down.”
“I understand completely.” Carlos said quickly. “I want to be the best, too.”
“And I can’t play against you like this. It’s hard already as it is, it would be impossible to compete while being in a relationship.”
“I don’t think I could do it either.” Carlos said. “Maybe I could play against you, but not the other parts. I couldn’t stop talking about you in interviews, I couldn’t lie about my feelings. You know my poker face is not as good as yours.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jannik grinned.
Carlos cursed in spanish. “I talk about you to my family all the time. I said to them, if I can’t have him, then everybody else will be second choice. My father laughed and said I am young, that I don’t know what love is like. But he’s wrong. I know myself and I know what this is.”
“I’ve never been young much.” Jannik admitted. “I think it’s because I left home at an early age. So when it was something I really wanted, I knew how to be patient and work hard for it. So I can be patient now too, if that’s what you want.”
“What do you mean?” Carlos asked.
“I mean that I can wait until one of us ends his career and stops playing, if that’s what you want. I mean…” Jannik started stuttering a little. “If you don’t think you’ll get bored of me. Maybe our connection is only on the tennis court and you’ll find me boring otherwise. That’s okay.” Jannik said quickly.
“No, I think you’re even more amazing off the court.” Carlos answered just as quicky. “I could never get bored of you and I would be honored if you were willing to wait.”
“You really mean it?”
Carlos was smiling again. “Very much. Besides, we also get decembers off. We don’t have to worry about playing against each other then.”
“So what? We’ll be together for one month of the year and rivals during the other eleven months?” Jannik asked with a laugh.
“I can’t see why not!” Carlos said. “It will work. You will get me out of your system by Australia like a professional, and I can tell everybody that we’re not friends without feeling like I’m lying. Then we both play to win, and go to enjoy each other’s company after the end of each season without anyone knowing."
“No matter who wins or loses?”
“No matter, yes.”
Carlos looked so gentle and confident when he said it, Jannik’s whole chest constricted. “I think I like that idea.” He put his hand on Carlos’ thigh. “I guess we’re currently in our rivalry moment, but I think since you’re already here, and since we already kissed, maybe we can have a small relationship moment tonight before the US Open?”
Carlos didn’t bother to answer, he just climbed into Jannik’s lap.
THE END