Chapter Text
Boomhauer often frequented gay bars.
Sure, it was because bisexual women tended to be more into him than the hetro crowd, but the drinks there also tended to be cheaper. He'd often get hit on by men, but that came with the territory. A man like himself in a gay bar had a 99% chance of being gay. That wasn't surprising. What was a surprise was the man he'd just bumped into. That orange cap could be recognized from miles away.
"Boomhauer, what the fuck are you doing here?" Dale yelled over the club music.
Boomhauer froze into a statue. Why was Gribble here? The man didn't even believe in bisexuality last time he checked.
"Dang ol' say the same, man. You into dudes or something? I'm not, just here for the drinks, man. You gay or bi or asecksual something like that? Don't think guys here would be into you. Talking bout no offense man, just an observation, man you don't look too attractive to a gay man."
Dale scoffed, as if the idea of him being here for any other reason than the reason he was actually here was actually ridiculous. His mouth opened.
"I'm here...." Boomhauer realized as the man started to slur his words that Dale was incredibly wasted. "To find out... if Redcorn... John Redcorn's taking Nancy here... as his fag hag.."
Boomhauer blinked. "Why'd dang ol' Redcorn even be here and bring your wife Nancy, man?"
"Y'know, cause John Redcorn's gay?"
"Dang Ol' Redcorn ain't gay man, and he's completely heterosexual."
"And what makes you say that, huuhh?! Like yooou'd know, Boomhauer.."
Something about that attitude lightly pissed Boomhauer off, and all mental restraint in his mind went crashing into a brick wall. Boomhauer decided that Dale had gone long enough without the truth about the affair. And the man was drunk! Chances were he'd forget anyways if he wanted to.
"Dang it Dale, ol' Redcorn ain't gay man. Talkin bout he's actually fuckin your wife, man. Dang ol' affair, man. Fuckin her every chance he gets, man. For fourteen years man."
The club noise suddenly seemed so much louder in the silence. The other man now looked like he'd just seen a litter of kittens get thrown into the burning pits of a fiery superhell.
The lights were starting to make Boomhauer almost nauseous, just the way the colors all flashed around wildly and flailed across Gribble's shades.
"..Whaat?"
Dale reached around for a cigarette that wasn't there, then clutched his forehead.
"My.. Nancy?"
"Yeah, man."
"No... My-"
Dale slid onto his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAUAGGHHHH!!" Dale screamed, rivers already escaping his ducts. He was barely moving at this point. His hands moving to his sunglasses as he began to blubber and bawl.
Oh. This was bad. Gribble was starting to cry like a wounded puppy stuck in a heatwave. Boomhauer started to have regrets. Had he actually? Shit, he should've let Dale figure this out on his own, man.
He leaned down.
"Hey, hey man stop crying.. I was fuckin around, just kidding man.."
Dale looked up with tears still leaking down his face. "NO THE FUCK YOU WERRREENN'T..." His face reunited with his hands.
Boomhauer instinctively placed his own hands on Gribble's cheeks, a drunken attempt to comfort someone even drunker.
"Hey come on man. Don't cry, man. Talkin bout I'll drive you back, m'kay? M'kay?"
Boomhauer was pretty sure he'd broken multiple speeding laws in the past 3 or something minutes, but this night had already taken a hectic turn for the worse and he wanted out of it. He chose against leaving Dale at his own house. He wasn't gonna chuck the beehive. Dale was gonna be sleeping over at his place.
He pulled over by the street, quickly turning off the car. He turned over to look at Dale. The man was sleeping. He was a sobbing, screaming mess less than 10 minutes ago, and he was sleeping like nothing had happened.
Boomhauer instantly gave up on trying to wake this man up. Chances are, he'd resume his mental breakdown.
He got out of the car, stumbled over to the passenger side, and began dragging the man out of the car.
360 steps later, and Boomhauer had finally reached his damn bedroom. He oanted lightly, sweat only dripping down his forehead. Dale was heavy as fuck. He gently tossed the man onto the bedroom, then took his jeans off and joined him, not before pulling the covers him so he wouldn't die of hypothermia or some shit.
Of course, at the feeling of Bkkmhaur's comfortable sheets, Dale stirred.. Then, he.. wrapped his arms around Boomhauer. The blonde couldn't hold back a chuckle. Normally he'd be a little concerned at this sudden vulnerability, but this whole night had gone so terribly that the ridiculousness of this entire situation just seemed comedic.
"Quit clinging to me, man. You'll freak out, man, in the morning or somethin. Might panic." Boomhauer said, his hands still gently moving to rub Dale's back through his shirt for some reason.
Dale just seemed to lean closer to Boomhauer. Then, he whipped back.
"Hey... Did you not take my clothes off? You're supposed to do that!" He whined.
"I'm not your dang wife, man."
Dale smirked drunkenly, his head sinking into the pillows.
"Not yet."