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“Captain, we’ve been receiving consistent demands for a debriefing of the acting captain.” It was hard for Uhura not to sound annoyed, with Jim having her ignore some pretty official high-ups.
They’d been flying, or perhaps more appropriately limping through space for almost four hours after quite miraculously escaping the black hole that had been the doom of Nero and his crew. It was almost humorous how Starfleet still had no idea what had even happened, but after recent events humor was a difficult emotion to remember. Their shift didn’t end for another three hours. None of the current bridge crew had gotten a proper rest yet, and while it would benefit their overall stress levels none of them really wanted the time to contemplate…well, anything.
“Try to delay it as much as possible, Uhura. I want to speak with Pike before I say something I shouldn't to the admirals, since they’re already gonna be on my ass with the whole academic probation thing... speaking of, I’ve been meaning to ask you if you knew where Gaila was? I really gotta talk to her. “
Jim’s voice betrayed his exhaustion, but the bright smile he flashed his communications officer was genuine patented Kirk.
She froze and could’ve sworn her heart did as well. “I…” Oh god, she hadn’t even thought about Gaila, about any of it. And that had been the point, hadn’t it? They had all been trying to avoid it for as long as possible . It seemed Jim hadn’t even considered…
“Captian-Jim…Gaila was stationed on the Farragut.”
His smile fractured, and for a moment she could read every emotion clearly in his eyes. She watched,transfixed, as calm washed over his face like a mask. Her heart ached; No one should be that good at hiding.
He stood abruptly, drawing the eyes of the crew around him.
“Mr. Spock, you have the conn.” He kept his voice impressively neutral, and his gait betrayed nothing but confidence and composure as he swiftly exited.
She found herself suddenly out of her own chair, inexplicably drawn to follow him.
Spock stopped next to her on his way to the chair, voice low.
“Who was she?” The inquiry was gentle, stirring a small pride in her at his efforts to delicately handle her emotions.
She took a deep breath in attempt to keep her voice from shaking.
“My roommate, at the academy. She and Kirk were…dating? I don’t know. They both had pretty interesting relationships…”
She looked Spock in the eyes. “I should talk to him.”
He inclined his head ever so slightly, and she smiled faintly in gratitude.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It took Uhura the better part of an hour to locate her captain, after giving in and asking McCoy where the man was likely to hole himself up. Almost felt like cheating, but she ignored her strange inclination.
He was tucked into the most secluded corner of the observation deck, knees curled up to his chest as he stared into the final frontier.
She said nothing as she slowly took a seat a few feet away from him. She had studied enough about communication and body language to know when someone needed their space.
And so she waited. Staring out into the darkness, and wondering what Kirk was really seeing. He was a mystery, that man. Just when she thought she had him figured out, he went and did something impossible that threw all of her theories down the drain. She had learned something new about him, today. And she was certain he still had a few surprises left for her. She was convinced not to doubt him again.
“She told me she loved me.” He whispered finally. “Right before you walked into the room. We were foolin around and she just…said it.”
“And what did you say?” She pushed gently, trying not to let her surprise leak into her neutral tone.
“I said- “ A bitter laugh escaped him, and she looked away as he angrily swiped at the tear that had managed to escape. “I said that is so weird.”
Nyota sighed, but now was not a time for judgment. He needed acceptance, someone to tell him he had not done wrong.
But first.
“Did you love her?”
Jim finally turned to look at her, and she was again stunned by the intensity of his gaze, the amount of emotion he could hold there.
“I don’t know. God dammit Uhura, I don’t-“ His voice cracked and he looked away again.
He cleared his throat, and his voice was calmer when he tried again. “I’ve never- I mean, I didn’t have what you’d call a healthy relationship with my family. I never actually understood how to care about someone- at least, not until Bones, but if you ever tell him that I’ll have to kill you.” He chuckled halfheartedly.
“Gaila and I… I didn’t think about us like that until she said it. And I was so caught off guard cause I just- I realized that saying it back…wouldn’t feel wrong. And I was…frightened. And then that same day I used her to hack to Kobiyashu maru and I felt like such a jackass and I needed to apologize, to make it right, but everything happened so fast. And now I’ll never get a chance.”
He turned to look at her again, needing her to understand. “And I am, Uhura, I’m so sorry. I’ll always regret never getting to tell her.”
And she realized, even if he didn’t, that ‘sorry’ wasn’t the only thing he’ll always wish he had said.