Chapter Text
I thought I would be happy if only Kate would come back. If only she would just be where I could see her, where I could protect her.
I thought if only I could pretend, if I could pass, if I could act like Ivan mattered, I’d be able to forget. Focus on other things. Fake it ‘till you make it, and all that.
I was wrong.
But it wasn’t so bad, being wrong. Sitting in that church, with Kate by my side, listening to Leon talk about God’s love, God’s acceptance, I felt something click. I didn’t want to fake it anymore. Trying to be with Ivan hurt. It was forcing something that was just wrong, I could feel it in my heart. He was so earnest, so dear, but I just loved him as a friend. He was great to talk about the leafs with, but when he looked at me in that way...I just felt uncomfortable.
That’s probably how Kate felt. No wonder she freaked out on me. But I can’t help it, she’s so... Just so. I run out of words when I look at her. She takes my breath away, makes the world seem brighter just by being there.
But the worry - when she was drinking all the time, the worry was torture. I could feel it in my veins like ice, like iron shavings sparking against the walls of my skin, scratching out from the inside. It would hit my heart and this heavy thump would echo throughout my ribcage, sending waves of pain through every nerve. I didn’t barely sleep. I didn’t know what to do. Against the father outside I understood - get Kate away, keep her safe, away from him. Against the father in her head, however, I was powerless. I didn’t have the words to bring her out of it. Or, not ones she’d want to hear from me, anyway.
I wanted to tell her she was better than everything he said. That he couldn’t hurt her anymore, that I would protect her forever, there was nothing that could tear me away. I wanted to hold her as she sobbed, instead of watching while she drank so the tears wouldn’t come. I wanted to tell her that good christian girl aside, no one should mourn the peice of trash he was. It was good riddance. I wanted to kiss the teardrops from her eyes, hold a tissue to her nose, rock her to sleep.
But I couldn’t. It wasn’t my place. She was back, I didn’t want to say anything that would send her running away, especially not as she was. I tread on eggshells around her. I whispered stay stay stay please dear God stay with my eyes, with my heart, with my blood racing under my skin.