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Jungkook silently paced around the room before dropping down on the end of the bed. He stared at the floor for a few moments, conscious of the presence behind him. Guilt sat so heavily in his chest that he found it hard to breathe. His hands tightened into fists on his lap. The room smelt of faded cologne and the fabric softener Taehyung used on the bedding. Scents that had once been a source of comfort, that now hung around him like a taunt. The words he wanted to say hovered in his mind like a tangled mess, but he couldn’t find a way to order them, but he had to try.
“Tae,” he said quietly, feeling the sheets shift around him as his partner moved beneath them. “I know you’re really angry with me, and you’re right to be, but,” he squeezed his fists tighter, “Please talk to me. I hate it when you ignore me.”
The sun had risen, and its soft light was peeking through the gap in the curtains, sending a shaft of gold across the silver framed photo that sat on the cabinet on Taehyung’s side of the bed. The silence in the room seemed crushing, like it was folding in on him.
“I know you’re awake,” he said, glancing around. “I know you’ve not slept all night.” He looked away again, wishing he was better at this; at saying the things that needed to be said. At apologising for things that couldn’t be undone or made right.
The bed moved and Taehyung slipped out from under the covers, and without looking at him, he walked slowly out of the room. Jungkook watched him go with a fresh pang of grief. He was wearing the pyjama pants with the little love hearts on, the ones they’d bought together. Once upon a time, he’d have grabbed him and readjusted the fabric that had slid from one hip as he walked, now all he had left was the wish he could do it.
He heard the bathroom door click shut and he sighed, stood up and wandered over to the window. He peeked out of the tiny gap; next door had parked their car over the end of their driveway again. A cough of laughter caught in his throat, that would really piss Tae off. He glanced up at the sky, part of him had hoped it would rain today, somehow that would fit the mood better. But all Mother Nature could manage was a few fair-weather cloud to break the crystal blue.
He stepped back and looked at the small, framed photo on Taehyung’s bedside cabinet. It was from their first anniversary; Taehyung, with his boxy smile, holding his hand by the riverbank. He stood watching the static image as he listened to the rush of water, until it shut off. He could hear Tae moving around the bathroom, the opening and closing of the cabinet, the hum of his electric toothbrush and then he caught a whiff of the most wonderful scent. It drifted under the closed door and along the short hallway to him. It was warm with a hint of florals.
That was the scent Taehyung had worn that day by the river. It reminded him of sunshine and of the hours they had spent talking about their hopes and dreams of the future. A future that Jungkook knew, he’d ruined.
"I love that one,” he tried to call out, but his voice broke, leaving just a whisper of the sentiment hanging in the silent bedroom. “And the one that smells like Vanilla,” he added to himself. “Not that it matters anymore.”
The bathroom door clicked open, releasing a rush of scented, humid air and Tae padded softly back into the room with a towel wrapped around his waist. He looked pale, the golden hue of his skin drained of colour. Shadows circled his eyes, leaving them looking bruised.
“You could wear nothing at all and still be the best dressed guy in the room,” he said with a smile, trying to break the unbearable tension that filled the otherwise comfortable room. His smile faltered and slipped away. “You look tired, Tae.” He walked around the bed to stand behind him. “Maybe you shouldn’t go today. No one would blame you.”
Tae opened the cupboard doors and heaved a huge sigh. One side of the closet was organised: shirts, jackets and smart dress trousers hanging in colour order. Tee shirts, sweaters and jeans all folded into piles on the high shelf. The other side was less tidy. The handful of dress shirts hung haphazardly, two pairs of smart trousers had been draped over the broken bar of a hanger, leaving them bunched and creased. Endless pairs of black jeans and band tee-shirts had been stacked in untidy piles on the shelf above. Below, a collection of heavy combat boots had been butted up against the neat row of polished leather shoes and clean trainers.
“I said I was sorry, Tae.” Jungkook stepped closer to him. He reached out his hand, but before he could touch his still damp skin, he balled his fist and dropped it back to his side, “Please forgive me.”
Tae slowly slid each hanger along the rail, taking care not to disturb the items that clearly didn’t belong to him. His hand hovered for a few seconds over one of the awkwardly hung shirts, before he curled his fingers back into his palm, and chose a shirt of his own. His beautiful face was blank as he took out a plain white shirt and a dark grey suit. With his eyes on the floor, he moved to the bed and laid them down, his chest moving hard as he fought to control his brimming emotions.
"I've never liked you in dark colours,” Jungkook whispered as he watched him arrange the jacket, smoothing the lapels and straightening the seams. “Wear something bright, like you always do.” He looked back into the closet, his fingers skimming over the hangers holding shirts of pink and blue. “This looks great on you.” His hand hovered over the pink one. He glanced over his shoulder and his heart sunk further. “If I could change what happened, if I could go back in time-“
Tae sighed and opened the top drawer of the dresser and took out several ties. He lay them all over the jacket and stood back, running his hand through his damp dark hair.
“The lilac one looks nice,” Jungkook said, moving to stand beside him. “At least wear something with a bit of colour. You look so washed out- I know that’s my fault.”
Tae collected up the ties, leaving the lilac one laying over the dark jacket. He folded the others and tucked them neatly back into the drawer.
“See,” he tried to smile, but the weight in his chest just pulled it away from his lips. “I do know something about fashion. I’m not all skinny jeans and black-“ he paused, as Tae turned his back on him again, opening another drawer to find underwear. “I’m really trying here, Tae. You were always the one who coached me through stuff like this. I don’t know what to do.” His lips trembled as he watched Tae toss the underwear onto the bed and leave the room.
He heard the slow, heavy pad of bare feet going down the wooden stairs and he hesitated, then followed him. Tae was already in the kitchen with his back to the doorway, filling the big copper kettle with water. He set it back down on its charging base and flicked it on. Jungkook hovered in the doorway, watching Tae lean heavily on the countertop.
“I know you’re angry.” He whispered. “I know I fucked things up so badly.”
Taehyung opened the cupboard and took out two cups, one with a white rabbit on it, the other a polar bear cub. He carefully placed them on the countertop and closed the small door. Beside him, the kettle rumbled and hissed, a plume of steam beginning to rise.
“You said no to the motorbike, and I went behind your back.”
Tae picked up one of two small silver canisters and pulled one open. His hand dipping into it before he slammed it down, his face blooming with colour. “Why?” He demanded, still staring down.
“Because I’m selfish,” Jungkook whispered. “And I made Hobi a part of all this. He’s where he is now, because of me. I know that and I’m sorry,” his eyes welled with tears. “Please don’t ignore me.”
Taehyung shook his head and threw a teabag into the polar bear cup, angrily pushing the rabbit one aside. He put the lid back on the cannister and pushed it to the back of the counter. His eyes moved to the rabbit mug. The kettle bubbled loudly, the lid rattling as it came to the boil. The button clicked off and Tae poured boiling water into his cup. “You promised me,” he muttered, watching the teabag bob to the surface, as he wiped his eyes with his free hand.
“I've wanted a motorbike for- all my life, Tae. I thought I could handle it.”
Tae opened the drawer beneath the counter and took out a small spoon. He poked the swimming teabag around, sending it tumbling under the darkening liquid. “Because of a fucking bike,” Tae muttered, stabbing at the teabag. “A fucking bike!” He shouted, throwing the spoon into the sink. It bounced around the basin with a clatter as Tae wrapped his arms around himself. “Was it worth it?” Tears spilled down his cheeks, dripping off his chin as he sobbed uncontrollably for a few seconds, his body shaking as his knuckles whitened, his fingertips digging into the flesh of his side.
Jungkook’s heart felt like it was tearing in two. “No,” he choked out. “I’m sorry. I never meant for it to happen. I never- Tae, please.”
Taehyung's phone burst into life on the dining room table. He turned to look at it, his face wet with tears. He took a few shuddering breaths, trying to bring himself back under control and went to answer it. Tae hit the answer icon and pressed the phone to his ear. "Hey Jimin," he sniffed, frantically wiping his face. "I'll be ready for half nine-ish," he said as he collected his cup of tea. “I think Joon and Jin Hyung are coming over then.” He brushed past Jungkook, out into the hallway and began the slow, weary climb of the stairs.
Jungkook stared at his cup. “You always make me hot drink in the mornings,” he sighed. “I guess that’s something else I can kiss goodbye, isn’t it?” He moved to the stairs and saw the back of Taehyung disappear at the top, into their room. “And tell Jimin, Yoongi hyung really fancies him,” he called, trying to find some of the teasing humour he’d always brought to the subject of their friends. A humour that always made Tae laugh out loud before.
He could hear him talking and moving around, and with a deep sigh, he trudged upstairs and leaned against the doorframe of the bedroom. With a last good-bye, Tae put the phone down on the dresser and turned his attention to the suit on the bed.
“I don’t want to leave things like this. Scream at me, call me all the stupid fuckers under the sun, but please don’t cut me out.” He said, his dark eyes pleading. “They’re going to take me, I know they will and I don’t want the last time I see you to be like this.”
Tae pulled the towel off and dropped it into the laundry basket in the corner of the room. He dressed carefully, fastening each button with slow, shaking fingers. The lilac tie was the only hint of colour in the morbid outfit. Like the flash of a shooting star in the darkness. He took a pair of black shoes from the closet and sat down on the edge of the bed to tie them. As he looked up, he focused on the collage of mis-matched photos in a large frame above the dresser. In every one of them, Jungkook was laughing at his side, in his arms, at a wedding, on the beach, in a nightclub. “Look at you,” he whispered, “everything’s funny to you, isn’t it?”
“Not everything, no.” Said Jungkook. “This isn’t funny. What I did isn’t funny. What I've done to Hobi-“
Tae stood, picked up the jacket and put it on, smoothing it down as he looked into the full-length mirror of the closet door. He moved his drying hair around, shaping it around his pale, delicate features.
“You don’t have to go, Tae,” he said softly. “You’ve been through so much, the families will understand. I guess none of us would want-“
Tae took a deep breath just as the doorbell chimed loudly downstairs. Jungkook stepped aside as Tae hurried down to answer it.
“We’re early, I know,” he could hear Jin saying as a waft of cold air moved up the stairs. “We were just worried we’d get stuck in traffic.”
He moved to the top of the stairs and watched Jin envelope Tae in a huge hug. Behind him, Namjoon hovered holding a large bunch of roses. “Hey Hyungs,” he called down.
"Hey," said Namjoon, clumsily pulling Tae into a one-armed hug and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Have you heard from Jimin yet?”
"Yeah, he called," Jungkook said, coming down the stairs and slipping into the living room. A sea of greetings cards littered the mantel and windowsill, a few still in their envelopes, others standing on their edges. “He’s on his way.”
Tae nodded. "He said he was just leaving, that was ten, fifteen minutes ago,” he led them into the kitchen. "He's picking Yoongi Hyung up on the way."
Jungkook looked out of the window. An elderly man was opening the door of the car that was parked across their driveway. He watched him struggle to climb in and start the engine. “Mr Shin’s moving the car,” he called out.
Another car pulled up on the opposite side of the road, and as the old man pulled away, he saw Yoongi and Jimin climbing out. They looked both smart and sombre in their dark suits. He could see them talking quietly to each other as they waited to cross the road. He went to answer the door, but Jin Hyung had beaten him to it. He stood back, allowing Jimin and Yoongi to hug Jin in turn before heading towards the others in the kitchen. Jungkook followed them.
“Hobi’s Mom, she’s not coming,” Jimin said quietly. “She just can’t face it. They family have arranged a floral tribute,” he took a shaking breath. “It’s beautiful.”
“I don’t blame her for not coming,” Namjoon said, taking a vase from the cupboard beneath the sink. “This whole thing has been like some kind of horror film. I still can’t get my head around it. I can’t believe-“ he stopped, his knuckles paling around the ornate glass. “He was my friend, my brother-“ his shoulders shook for a few seconds before he regained control. “he was special to all of us, I know.”
Jungkook felt a new wave of guilt move over him. “Tell her I’m sorry,” he said, fighting back tears. “I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” He took a step into the kitchen; a new emotion took control for a few seconds; rage and regret surged. “You’re all acting like I did this on purpose!” He seethed. “That I deliberately hit that car. It was an accident!” His chest heaved as he looked around the room at the solemn, silent group. “I know every one of you is fucking angry with me, and yeah, I deserve it, but I didn’t mean it!”
The kettle came to the boil again and Jin busied himself with the cups, lining them up with trembling hands. Jungkook watched him, unsure if the tremors were from rage or grief, or both.
“Accidents happen,” said Yoongi. “No one’s to blame, not really. Not the driver of the car, not Kook. It was just a random, horrible thing.” His eyes moved to the doorway of the kitchen. “And we all have to find ways to deal with it.”
Namjoon fussed with the roses, inexpertly arranging them in the large vase. “We’ll take it one day at a time,” he said, almost to himself. “We just need to get through today. Once this is done, we can concentrate on getting through the next day, and then the next.”
Tae’s breath hitched, and he nodded, wiping his face again. His eyes looked swollen now, dark slits in shaded hollows. "Have you got the song, Jiminnie?" He asked, nodding his gratitude as Jin placed another cup of tea he couldn’t drink beside him. “It was his-“ his voice broke.
Jimin pulled him into his arms. “ We’ve got it.” He moved back just a little and took a silver thumb drive from his breast pocket. “Hyung put it on here. Don’t worry.”
“I’m gonna cry when it plays,” Jin said softly.
Tae coughed. It sounded weird, like a strangled sob. "I'm just gonna finish getting ready," he said, keeping his eyes low and extracting himself from Jimin’s arms. "I'll only be a minute."
Jungkook watched him go. "Tae, baby?” He followed Tae up to the bedroom and stood by the door watching him fix his perfectly knotted tie. More tears rolled down his cheeks. “I’m sorry for what I've done to Hobi. I didn’t mean to hurt him, or you. I didn’t see the car pull out,” he said quietly. “I wasn’t speeding, I wasn't showing off. One moment the road was clear, then that car was there.” Tears were in his eyes again. “Please talk to me.”
Tae dropped his hands to his sides and stared into the mirror. “I can’t do this,” he whispered, tears falling onto his shirt. “I don’t want to. I don’t!”
“I know. I wish I could be there. I wish things were different. I wish I’d never gone behind your back. I wish you’d forgive me,” Jungkook whispered. “I wish you knew how much I love you. How much I want you to be happy again. I want to put all this right, but I change what I did.”
Taehyung wiped his face and turned away.
“You’re the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me, Kim Taehyung.”
"Tae,” Jin called softly. “The cars are here, sweetie." He came to stand behind Jungkook, “It’s time to go.”
Tae moved to the window and looked down at the front of his house. The long black Hearse stood silently waiting in front of another black car. Respectfully dressed attendants waited beside them.
"I can't do this -" Tae gasped, staggering back a little, “I can’t!”
"I'm so sorry, baby, I am! I don’t want to leave you!” Jungkook tried to take him in his arms, but his lover shrunk away falling back against the windowsill, his face pressed into his hands as sobs shook him to his core.
"I'm so fucking angry with you!" Tae screamed suddenly, slapping his palms flat on the windowpane. “You left me! You fucking just left me! That stupid bike! Why’d you get it? Why? Why’d you leave me?!”
“I’m sorry!” Jungkook covered his face with his hands, tears shining in his eyes before slipping down his face. “Tae! Oh god, Tae!”
Jin grabbed Taehyung, pulling him into his arms as the young man sobbed against the solemn black of his Hyung’s jacket, “I know, sweetie. God, I know. We all feel it, Tae. None of us understand. We’re asking the same questions.” He gently smoothed Tae’s hair, moving back to cup his cheek. “But right now, our baby bunny is waiting. And we have to say goodbye to him.”
“I don’t want you to,” Jungkook wrapped his arms around himself. “I don’t wanna say goodbye!”
Tae steadied himself and nodded, wiping his eyes as he fought to breathe against the rock that crushed his chest. "Did you tell the people- the funeral people about the song? It has to be playing. It's important to me, to him." He glanced down at the waiting cars. “It was our song. We sung it together, all the time.”
"They know. it's all sorted, don’t worry. It’s all under control.” He wiped a tear away from Tae’s cheek with his thumb, while his own ran unhindered.
“He’ll always be it now, won’t he?” Tae allowed Jin to walk him across the room to the door of the bedroom. He paused and looked at the collection of photos above the dresser. “He’ll be Young Forever, won’t he?”
“Always,” Jin choked out. “He’ll always be our golden boy.”
Jungkook watched them leave the bedroom. From the bedroom window he watched them walk down the driveway, the neighbours bowing their heads in respect as Jin helped Tae climb into the black limousine that waited behind the car carrying the dark wood coffin. He pressed his fingertips to the glass as the cars pulled away. The room around him seemed to dim as the slow procession moved out of sight. The sun seemed to shine brighter as he stood back from the window. A blanket of light wrapped around him, and with one last look at the silver framed photo beside the bed, the spirit of Jungkook blew it a tearful kiss, and faded.