Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Kurt’s foot tapped idly, even impatiently, as he glanced around at the waiting room for the millionth time. Gratefully the small room was deserted aside from himself and Sam who sat next to him, and Kurt supposed he ought to have been thankful for small favors at least. But then he spied another motivational poster, this one depicting ‘Teamwork’, and his annoyance spiked again. It was almost as bad as the poster with the giant whale on it. Kurt hated those motivational posters.

Sam’s warm hand came down on his knee gently and the blond asked, “You aren’t nervous, are you?” Sam gave him a kind, genuine smile.

“No,” Kurt huffed out. He wasn’t nervous. He was terrified. And a little angry. Maybe even stressed. He couldn’t help glancing at the clock, knowing he’d be cutting it close. Maybe scheduling his appointment during his lunch break had been a poor idea, but he hadn’t really had the time elsewhere. And Doctor Martin was the best in his field, anywhere in the state. Kurt had to see him, but he was furious that it was Sam who’d accompanied him. Sam shouldn’t have been burdened with his problems, even if his long time friend had insisted.

Sam’s eyebrows drew together as he said, “I thought you’d been looking forward to this for weeks? Months even?”

“Looking forward to isn’t exactly the phrase I’d use.” Kurt let his fingers stretch down to his knees and he sighed. “It’s something that has to be done. I have to be here, because nothing else is working. I’m just …”

“Afraid?”

Quietly, Kurt nodded. One of the motivational pictures across the waiting room was a rainbow. Kurt thought he’d seen it before at work, in the production director’s office. Probably. Annoying people tended to collect annoying things. “Which is stupid, I know.”

“Hey. No.” Sam tired to comfort him gently, “Anyone would be scared. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you don’t get to be scared.”

It was likely true. But no matter what, doctors made him nervous. Doctors delivered bad news. They always did all they could, like when his mother had been sick during his youth, but it was never enough. Doctors couldn’t be trusted. Probably shouldn’t be.

Kurt let his fingers flex out and told Sam, “I’m sorry you had to be here today. I’m not your husband. I’m not your problem. You shouldn’t have had to come and deal with this.”

The blond man’s arm was stretched out across the back of Kurt’s chair, and he shrugged in a way that was authentic enough for Kurt to believed him when he said, “I’m … how did Mercedes’ parents put it? A no good, unemployed, leech of a human being. Obviously I’m in this for the lollipop you’re going to get after, and we both know I don’t have a job to get to.”

Kurt absolutely hated that Mercedes’ parents rode Sam hard for losing his job a few months prior. They’d never been overly fond of him to begin with, and Kurt had never heard the end of it with both Mercedes and Sam, but he knew her parents had tried to keep things civil in the beginning. Until, at least, he’d been laid off. Now they called him lazy. They said he was living off Mercedes. And undeserving of her. And it couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Something will come up,” Kurt said. “I’ve seen those self help and motivational books on your coffee table. Isn’t that what they all say? It’s not like you’re a high school drop out, Sam. You have an education. Have you thought about looking outside the city for work?”

“And commute?” Sam asked, pausing like he hadn’t really considered it before. His shoulders fell. “I don’t know. I’d have to be back before three every day. Not sure I could do that.”

Kurt winced a little. He’d forgotten about Mason. The ball of energy and mischief that kept everyone on their toes, and who was Kurt’s favorite person on the planet. It probably had something to do with Mason being his godson, but the truth was the truth.

“I have to be there for him.” Sam’s mouth pulled tight. “He’s only at school until two, and he’s home by three. Someone has to be there to get him.”

And then Kurt spied the poster with the fish on it. It made him think of sushi, and how badly he desperately wanted the doctor to tell him he was barred from eating it for however long. He wanted the customary lecture about smoking, not that he did, and drinking, which was a social habit of his and easily quit. He wanted his prescriptions and Do/Do Not list, and everything else that came with it. He wanted what Mercedes had, and what Tina had and what Christian Hong had needed to drop out of the musical for. He wanted it. He was desperate for it.

With a laugh, Sam added, “But on the bright side, Mercedes and I don’t fight about Mason anymore. No more spending unnecessary money on child care. And I guess, if you really want me to be an optimist here, I’m getting to spend more time with my kid now in a day, than I usually got to in a week. If you subtract Mercedes’ parents, and the loss of income, and my dignity, and probably my self worth as a man, it all kind of works out. Mason makes it pretty even in the end.”

Was that what children did? Kurt wasn’t stupid. Love didn’t pay the bills. And children didn’t bring about world peace, but some days he wondered if they really did make just about everything else better. Mercedes and Sam had always been happy, but never so much as when Mason had come along unexpectedly. He made the beam. He made them shine. He made Kurt jealous of them.

Tentatively, Kurt broached, “So you like spending time with him. That’s great. But I could start nosing around out there for you. See if there’s any work my side of Central Park.”

When Sam made a face at him, Kurt grimaced. “I don’t need you getting me a job, Kurt.”

“I’m not promising you one.” Across the way the receptionist smiled coyly at him, blinking through her lashes. She probably thought he was a adorable. Kurt had rather hoped he’d outgrown the adorable stage of his life. He hoped it all the time. “What I’m saying is that everyone needs a friendly boost to their feet sometimes. It’s not pity and it’s not charity. It’s not a done deal, either. But if you need the help, and you did say you’d lost your dignity, then man up and take it.”

“Working in your line of business?” Sam asked, face aghast. “I don’t even know how to sew. Mercedes has to hem my pants half the time, and sometimes I just tuck and pin with clothespins. I tried staples, too, once.”

Kurt laughed a little, and it felt good. “I’d never put you to work on sewing anything. But every good production needs a runner. An intern. An assistant.”

“You want me to be someone’s coffee bitch?”

“Depends.” Kurt looked over at him, one leg crossing over the other at the ankle. “There are worse jobs in New York city, by far. So I’ll let you think about it.”

Sam nodded finally, and it felt like a victory. Then Sam said, “As long as you don’t stick me anywhere near Rachel Berry.”

Kurt blanched. “Never would I do that with my worst enemy, Samuel Evans.”

Kurt settled back into the seat in the waiting room, glaring daggers at the inspiration posters, and listened to Sam tell him about Mason’s recent trip to the science museum. He tried not to feel snubbed that earlier that week he’d tried to take his godson to the museum of fashion history and been completely denied by the rambunctious five year old.

Sam, despite Kurt’s insistence that he was fine alone, accompanied him into the doctor’s office when his name was called, and after they were seated, once more put his hand on Kurt’s knee in a way that promised solidarity and support.

Doctor Martin had been recommended to Kurt through his general doctor, and was probably costing his medical insurance company an arm and a leg. But Kurt himself would have paid the ridiculous fee to find the answers that he was looking for. Even if Blaine thought answers would come all on their own.

“Mr. Hummel,” the doctor said, formal to a point of severity, and Kurt didn’t bother to correct him, “I’ve had ample time to look over your blood work and tests. They were extensive, and I have a much better picture of your health and viability at this time.”

Kurt swallowed down the lump in his throat. “I keep thinking something is wrong with me.” It was humiliating to admit it, but Sam squeezed his knee and it was just a little bit easier. “But my husband and I, we’ve been trying for years now to conceive. Four or five, and I mean actively trying. Since our marriage. But we weren’t exactly using protection before that. So seven total, I suppose. If we’ve been having unprotected sex for so long, how is it that we haven’t managed to conceive yet? It seems unimaginable.”

Doctor Martin wore half-moon glasses, the kind that reminded Kurt of Albus Dumbledore from Mason’s favorite book series. But on the Doctor the glasses made him seem uninviting and harsh.

Martin cleared his throat and said, “Concerning men, Mr. Hummel, I’m sure that by now you’ve read several medical journals and you’ve found that the conception rate in men is much lower than in women. Disregarding the sixty percent of men who aren’t able to conceive at all, the other forty percent find it much more difficult than their female counterparts.”

He did know. He’d read it a million times over, praying that he wasn’t defective in some way. Blaine couldn’t carry their children, and it was up to Kurt. He had the necessary means, but was it saying something that he was unable to manage the simple act that other people did all the time? Where was his baby? Why couldn’t he have one?

“It’s hard to conceive as a man,” Kurt agreed, feeling his face heat, “and the miscarriage rate is twice in men what it is in women, along with the autism rate and stillborn rate. I understand that even now medicine has no explanation for this, or the rate of infants who still suffer from SIDS in both genders. So yes, I know. But I also know I’ve been having unprotected sex for up to six or seven years now, and nothing has happened.”

Doctor Martin’s gaze slid over to Sam. “Are you a viable option? Often when a couple comes to see me, they’ve been concentrating on one partner carrying the child. It might be best to--”

“Oh, god, no,” Kurt nearly shrieked, and he wanted to hide his face in his hands even as Sam burst out laughing.

“Excuse me?” Martin asked sharply.

“Sam isn’t …” Kurt looked to the blond who was doubled over, smacking his own thigh playfully as he laughed hard. “Sam isn’t my husband. He’s my best friend’s husband. But he’s one of my most trusted friends, and anything you want to say to me is fine to say in front of him. I’ve known Sam since high school.” Kurt cleared his throat and tried to focus back on the topic at hand. “But my husband, Blaine Anderson, he isn’t able to carry. He can’t. So it’s up to me. And I need to know if there’s something wrong with me, or if I’m doing something wrong that I can fix. Because you don’t understand when I say we’ve been trying all the time. We have been trying every day, and statistically, even with the low conception rate among men, I should be pregnant right now. I should have already been pregnant.”

It felt like all of his friends were passing him by. They were all starting their own families, and making him an uncle and godfather and all of the titles that he didn’t actually want, but had to take for the sake of friendship. It wasn’t fair that Mercedes had gotten pregnant with Mason on accident, a fluke given her birth control, or that Tina was getting ready to pop out her fourth. Why was it that Quinn was on and off again with Joe, but they had two children, and Santana was a proud mother to a beautiful little girl Kurt knew was her world. Even Finn was a father.

Doctor Martin opened Kurt’s file and glossed over it for a second, before stating, “You’re in perfect health, all things considered. If anything, you’re a bit underweight, but your numbers are strong, you’re clean of all of the major diseases, and you’re quite fertile.”

Kurt frowned. “I’m fertile? I think not being pregnant right now would say otherwise.”

“Being fertile,” Martin said, “is not the same as conceiving. As with women, there are a number of factors that must be aligned at the same time. While I do agree that I would have expected you to have conceived before this, it’s also very normal that you have not. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but the best course of action may be time. You’re still young, Mr. Hummel. Youth is on your side.”

Kurt steeled himself. “I’ll be thirty later this year. And unlike women, who care capable of having children all the way up until menopause, I know it’s different for me. For each year that I don’t conceive, I know my chance diminishes. I’m cutting my success rate every year that I’m not pregnant. I know I seem scared of never getting pregnant, and I am, but I’m even more scared that it’ll happen when I’m forty, and I won’t be able to sustain the pregnancy at that age. I want a healthy baby, Doctor Martin, and I’m not prepared to suffer a miscarriage or cause my child severe birth defects because of my age.”

“Kurt,” Sam said softly, and it was the first time he’d spoken up since being in the room, “no one is ever prepared for a miscarriage. You can’t predict them and all you can do is try and cope.”

He felt his throat go dry. “I’m sorry, Sam,” he said hoarsely, thinking of the months he’d remained by Mercedes side, trying to console her and get her back on her feet. It had been half a year before she was ready for a memorial service, and twice that before she wanted to go back to work. During that time Kurt and Blaine had all but turned their guest room into a nursery for Mason while he stayed with them.

“It’s fine,” Sam brushed off, but Kurt knew it wasn’t.

“There have been recorded cases of men well into their forties carrying and delivering healthy children,” Martin said.

“And the number is low.” Kurt shook his head slowly. “I don’t want to take that risk. I want to be pregnant now and avoid it completely. Blaine thinks …he thinks it’ll happen when it happens. He thinks I’m not being patient enough.”

He also, much to Kurt’s frustration, didn’t think it was a big enough deal to take work off from. Kurt had asked him to be there for the appointment. He’d rescheduled three times trying to work around Blaine’s meetings, and finally nothing had seemed to work. Blaine wasn’t worried, and he didn’t see the point of making a big fuss over it. But Kurt didn’t want to end up the childless couple that kept plants and fish and stamp collections. He wanted a baby, even if he knew it wasn’t high on Blaine’s priority list. In fact part of Kurt, the part he didn’t like to dwell on, knew that Blaine had only agreed to have a baby to appease him. Blaine wasn’t in love with the idea of their family being bigger than the two of them.

Kurt said, “I’ve been more than patient. That’s why I though something was wrong with me. But there isn’t?”

Doctor Martin shook his head slowly. “Absolutely nothing. You will just have to let things run their course. However, if your partner can’t carry, and you’re having trouble conceiving yourself, there are a couple of other options for you to explore. You may want to consider in vitro fertilization. Some men choose to go this route because of its higher success rate, compared to any other natural process. However, the average rate of success is typically in the third or fourth attempt.”

“And it’s expensive,” Kurt said flatly. They weren’t hurting for money. Kurt had a fulfilling and rewarding job, and Blaine was one of the city’s best attorneys. But their insurance wouldn’t cover something like in vitro, and if it took a minimum, on average, of three to four tries, Kurt couldn’t begin to calculate the cost of something like that. What if it took longer? What if it took five or six or more turns? How many times would they be willing to try? How much money would they dump on something that had a chance of never taking? “What else is there?”

“Surrogacy,” Doctor Marin suggested. “Some men have opted to use their own genetic material and have a surrogate carry their child to term. It can be expensive as well, but the success rate if a female surrogate is used, is much higher.”

The idea seemed immediately offensive. If it was Kurt’s baby, he wanted to be the one to carry it. He wanted the experience, with the good and the bad that came along with it. And he didn’t want to pay someone else to steal the experience from him.

Still … if it was the only option, and if it was the best one ….

Kurt asked, “You ran every test? You checked everything? My …” he wasn’t sure he had the courage to say what he needed to. But eventually he managed, “I’m an only child. My parents were trying forever to have another baby after me, but my mom couldn’t conceive, and when my mother did finally manage, she miscarried. That’s when they found the cancer. I want to know if there’s a chance that … that something like that could be messing me up. The doctors didn’t catch it with her until it was too late. Could it be the same with me?”

“No,” Doctor Martin said definitively, and so firmly that Kurt believed him wholeheartedly. “You had extensive testing done. I ordered a full workup for you, nothing was missed. You are the picture of health.”

Kurt had spent almost a entire day in the hospital. He’d had blood drawn, gone through a full physical, had several scans taken, and even seen a psychologist. As much as he wanted there to be something that the doctors had missed, if only to give him a reason for his failure to conceive, he knew there was none.

“Then just …time?” Kurt felt like he was giving up by deferring to what Blaine thought they needed. He was tired to waiting. He didn’t know how much longer he could wait.

“Maybe,” Sam said quietly, “you and Blaine should start thinking about adoption? Would it really matter if the baby was yours biologically? Isn’t the important thing just to have one? Kurt, this is New York. There are three times the amount of kids, as there are willing parents. You’d get one pretty fast. You could probably even pick the one you wanted. A kid who looks kind of like you or Blaine could be out there for you.”

But it was important. It was so important to have a baby that was half his and half Blaine’s. But the bigger worry on his mind was something he barely dared to say to Sam, especially with Doctor Martin listening. Regardless, he told Sam, “I know I make it sound like Blaine and I want this baby equally as badly.”

Sam winced. “You’re not fooling anyone, Kurt. If he wanted the baby as badly as you did, wouldn’t he be here? Wouldn’t he be sitting where I am?”

Kurt felt ashamed for Blaine, and for himself as well. “Yes.”

“I thought so.”

Kurt felt compelled to add, “It’s not that he doesn’t want a baby. It’s not that at all. He told me, he wants one if I want one. But I know, he’d be perfectly happy if we didn’t have any kids. His job is his baby in a lot of ways. All the attention he would have to pay to a child, he pays to his work. And I know he’s worried about splitting his time. He doesn’t have a lot of it to begin with. He just wants to make me happy. I guess he doesn’t need to have a baby to be happy, not like I do.”

Kurt ran a hand over his face and tried not to dwell on how ridiculous he sounded. He was twenty-nine. He was a mature, capable adult. He had a husband, and friends and his dream job, and still he wanted more. He felt pathetic.

Doctor Martin posed, “You said your husband is unable to carry?”

Kurt startled a little, looking up at the doctor. He’d really expected Martin to tell him to get himself together, and maybe to go back to see the psychologist before pursuing the baby matter anymore. Wasn’t that what any normal doctor would do?

“Not because he was born unable,” Kurt answered. “He was sick as a child, he doesn’t like to talk about it a lot. I think he said it was the Mumps. After that there was also a series of medication that he was on. His body won’t sustain a pregnancy. He’s not an option. And in any case, he wouldn’t be willing to take time off from work to go on leave, and have the baby, and then recover after. His job wouldn’t allow that, not like mine. It has to be me.”

With a frown, Doctor Martin asked, “Can you get me a list of the medications he was on? And his diagnosis file?”

“That was twenty years ago,” Kurt said, not understanding. “A bit more, actually. I guess I could get a list from Blaine’s mother, if she’ll take my call.” Kurt’s eyes cut over to Sam and he said, “You’re not he only one with in-law problems. But I think mine have the opposite issue with me. Blaine’s parents would have given anything to have him marry a woman, but at the very least I think they expected me to stay home and pop a kid out once a year for as long as possible. They kind of consider me defective at this point.” He considered himself a little defective, too. Only Blaine’s parents never got to know that.

Sam questioned, “Doesn’t Cooper have about a dozen illegitimate babies out there?”

“Four or five,” Kurt said with a sigh. “At last count. Or the ones Cooper is admitting to. But they’re absolutely not legitimate, and Blaine’s parents won’t accept them unless they are.” Which was a shame, because Kurt knew, despite Cooper’s playboy actions, that he was a good father to them. Blaine and Cooper talked all the time on the phone, and Blaine told Kurt that Cooper spent all of his free time with them, and spoiled them rotten, and tried to be a good father, whether he was or wasn’t. Kurt thought in the end, all that mattered was putting in the best effort possible.

“Get that list,” Martin said, closing Kurt’s file. “And have it faxed over to me as soon as you can. I’ll give you a follow up phone call in about a week.”

“Follow up?” Kurt shook his head. “Did I miss something? I thought you basically just told me today that I’m fine, and I need to stop pushing this. Isn’t this just a game of Russian roulette with my body?”

“I like to give all of my patients a follow up call,” Martin said, hands folding on top his desk. “In case any other opportunities or information present between now and then. But between that time, the absolute best thing you can do for your body is to get a solid eight hours of sleep each night, load up on your fruits and vegetables, stay in shape, and stay off any medication that isn’t over the counter or strictly necessary. I don’t think I need to remind you that the male body is very fickle when it comes to anything that can prevent conception. You aren’t on any prescriptions right now, are you?”

Kurt shook his head. “Nothing now. I was on anxiety medication for about six months when I was sixteen and high school was hard for me, but that was over a decade ago.”

Doctor Martin wrote something down and said, “Make sure to send me that one on the list too. And do your best not to consume any alcohol, smoke, or be around any second hand smoke.”

“Isn’t there like some kind of fertility treatment you can give him?” Sam asked. He looked even more displeased with their findings than Kurt felt. “A shot? Some pills? If that Octomom can pop eight out at a time because of fertility drugs, then shouldn’t you be able to give something to Kurt that’ll give him one?”

“Due to physical and biological capabilities between the male and female bodies, it doesn’t quiet work the same way for each gender. Fertility drugs might end up hurting Mr. Hummel’s chances, more than helping them. Now yes, there is always the chance that anything I prescribe him might work, and he might end up with multiples, but there is an equal chance he could upset his body chemistry and effectively sabotage any natural chance he might have to conceive. It’s a craps shoot, essentially, and that’s why I didn’t suggest it.”

“No.” Kurt stood. “I want to do this naturally. I want to do it the way I’m supposed to. I’m healthy. I’m fertile. I just have to keep trying, and worry less.”

Doctor Martin stood as well and held his hand out to Kurt. “If anything comes up in the near future, I’ll be sure to let you know, Mr. Hummel. But my best advice to you is to keep trying. And try not to judge your own situation against those of people around you. You time will come. The body is something we’re understanding better every day, and in my professional opinion, I’m telling you there is nothing wrong with yours.”

“Thank you,” Kurt told him, and made sure to get the office’s fax number from the secretary before he left.

“Sorry,” Sam said when they were in the car, driving back towards the heart of the city.

“For what?” Kurt asked with a half smile. “No matter what he said, Sam, you weren’t going to be able to fix or change anything.”

“I know.” Sam leaned against the window of Kurt’s car. “But I really wanted you to get some good news. I know how long you’ve wanted a baby. Forever.”

With a sigh, Kurt said, “If I’ve waited this long, I can wait a little longer. Or however long I’m meant to wait.”

“But I meant what I said about adoption, Kurt. You could adopt.”

“I could,” Kurt agreed. And Sam was right, there was no shortage of children waiting for home placement in New York. He and Blaine could easily pass any background check and have a baby in their home, or a toddler, in just under a year. It wouldn’t be anything difficult, but Kurt really did want to experience having his own baby. And it was important to have something biologically related to himself. And there was another fear. Kurt said, “Sam, I wasn’t exaggerating when I said Blaine didn’t really care either way about children. He’s not looking forward to being a father, but neither is he upset I want us to have one. Yet I emphasis that he’s okay with one. I have this fear, Sam, that we’re going to go through everything to adopt, and have that child, and then I’m going to get pregnant. I don’t think Blaine could handle two children, and I know I couldn’t, not with my job, and without his full support. What kind of a place would I be in then? Where would that put my family?”

“And what if you never get pregnant?” Sam asked bluntly.

Kurt’s fingers curled tightly around the steering wheel as he brought the car to a stop at the red light in front of him. “It’s going to happen,” he vowed. “I’m just not doing something right.”

“But the doctor said--”

“The doctors told my parents they weren’t trying hard enough, too.” He hadn’t meant to snap at Sam, not after he was being such a good friend, but Kurt was beginning to see the parallels between his situation that of his parent’s decades ago. “I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t meant to raise my voice. There just … there has to be more I can do.”

“Relax,” Sam offered. “Stop stressing out over this. Stress can effect a pregnancy, so maybe it can effect conception, too. You know, with your blood pressure being too high? Makes sense a little. Anyway, your work is too stressful right now for you to be throwing this on top of that. Your just got your budget approved, didn’t you?”

“Last week,” Kurt confirmed. “Now I refine my sketches for a few weeks, and after that we start production. Opening day is in ten weeks.”

“And what about Blaine?” Sam pressed. “He always has a major work load. So maybe you should each be focusing on work for right now, and let the baby thing just sit. If it happens, it happens, and if something new can be done, Doctor Martin is going to call you, right? Plus, he did go over a couple of options with you. Think about those, Kurt, and figure out what’s best for you.”

He did have a lot of things coming up in the near future, not just work related events. And when he stopped to think about it, there wasn’t a lot of time to worry over a baby. Maybe Sam was right.

“Okay,” Kurt said. “Both you and Doctor Marin make valid points.”

“Good you can still see reason through that baby haze,” Sam teased.

“Very funny.” Kurt caught sight of himself in the rearview mirror, and he startled for a moment, really noticing the faint lines at his eyes from stress, and the pale color to his already too white skin. He looked like he needed a long nap, or maybe a vacation. He and Blaine hadn’t been on vacation in years. “Do you want me to drop you at home?”

Sam glanced down at his wrist watch. “Nah. I know your lunch break is already over. Thompson is going to give you hell as it is. I’ll take the train into the city. It’s just about time to pick up Mason, anyway. You get back to work.”

When they were nearest the subway station that would take Sam to Mason’s school, Kurt locked a hand around Sam’s wrist and said, “I really appreciate you coming with me today, Sam. I didn’t want to do it alone, and with Mercedes out of town right now, there weren’t a lot of people I trusted to come with me. It means a lot you did this for me.”

“You’re practically family, Kurt,” Sam threw over his shoulder as he slid out of the car. He ducked back down to say, “And family does these things for each other. If you really want to show your gratitude, you can watch Mason on Thursday night when Mercedes gets back in town. Otherwise, call us even.”

“Deal,” Kurt promised. “Give me a call when you want to drop him off.”

Sam shut the door and then with a happy wave, disappeared down into the station.

Kurt drove directly back to work and his boss, Marcus Thompson was lurking about, shooting him dark, disapproving looks. Kurt counted himself lucky that the older man didn’t have a lecture waiting for him. Instead he let Kurt slip back to his office and sink into the chair at his drafting desk. There was an open sketchbook in front of him filled to the brim with costume designs for Kurt’s current production.

He leaned heavily on the desk and tried not to think of anything baby related anymore. It wasn’t doing him any good and it was only distracting him from work. He needed to concentrate, especially with production only a few weeks away and Thompson breathing down his neck. He couldn’t afford to focus on a baby that wasn’t even conceived yet. Or the nagging feeling of dread that came with the notion that Blaine hadn’t made even the slightest effort to come with him. Sometimes Kurt felt like Blaine was slipping away from him. And some days, the bad ones, Kurt felt like he was already gone.

Determined to focus, Kurt spent the next few hours improving upon his designs, and then another few fighting with the production’s set designer, and the director himself. Kurt was by no means a people pleaser, but he also understood the necessity of everything being cohesive. So he tried. He really did. At least until Thompson tried to tell him that his designs weren’t practical, and the set designer began asking him to scale back the details of the clothing.

He used his last break of the day to drop his car at the local auto shop for routine maintenance, and with notice to pick it up the following day, reluctantly headed back to work.

He was so engrossed in work that by the end of the day he had several missed calls on his phone, one from Finn, one from his dad, two from friends, and another from Mercedes.

He skipped over Finn’s to save for later. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to his stepbrother, but Finn seemed difficult as of late, suffering from PTSD after being relieved recently from his last tour of duty. It certainly wasn’t Finn’s fault, but it was taxing, fending off several calls a day, all of them from his increasingly paranoid brother. Finn needed to talk to someone. He needed help, but he was resisting, and even an intervention from Kurt and their parents had done nothing but increase his sense of anxiety. Kurt made a silent promise to call him before bed, and to talk him down from whatever panic he was in.

He also passed over the two calls from his friends, and listened briefly to Mercedes’ voicemail where she jokingly demanded that he not get any wise ideas about stealing her husband.

Kurt called his father back right away as he gathered up his things for the night.

“Hey, kid,” his dad greeted.

Kurt closed his office door behind him and tucked the phone between his ear and his shoulder. “Hi, dad. You called? You know, there is this thing called voicemail. You call, leave a message, and let me know what’s going on.”

“Very funny,” his father grumbled. “You know I have aides for that. They take all my calls and make them and--”

“I get it,” Kurt laughed. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Maybe I just want to talk to my favorite son.”

“I’m your only son, discounting Finn, of course.” It was cold outside when he stepped onto the busy sidewalk, even with the sun only just beginning to set. It was an unnecessary reminder that it was still early in the year. The warmer months wouldn’t come around for a while longer. “But I think something is on your mind. Something important, and the fact that I have a voicemail from Finn on my phone, I’d say it’s probably related to him.”

He could hear his dad moving around, probably still in his office. “Your brother calls you just about every day.”

“In the morning,” Kurt corrected. “I suppose I give him a pep talk in the morning, to help him get through his dad. He only calls in the afternoon or at night when something is going on. Is something wrong?”

Kurt hailed a cab and was out of the cold a few seconds later, and in time to hear his father say, “Finn’s agreed to come out to DC and stay with Carole and I. At least for a while. We’re going to try and get him into some kind of counseling, and maybe into a post service job program. He’s vulnerable right now, especially after he lost his partial parental custody to Sam last week. So it’s best if he stays with us for a few weeks, maybe more if we can swing it.”

“Does he want to be that far from Sam?” Kurt asked. Finn had problems. He was emotionally unstable, and psychologically damaged from his tour of duty, but Kurt didn’t think for a second that he’d ever hurt his daughter. Never, under any circumstances. And as damaged as he was, being near her, and spending time with her, seemed to make him whole. Nothing else came close.

“Her mom is making it difficult,” Burt said with a sigh. “On Finn, that is. Part of me knows she’s just trying to protect her daughter, and part of me knows that Sammy doesn’t need to be protected from her father. I guess it’s a thin line to walk. Regardless, Finn needs to get better, and Sammy’s mom is going to think about going back to shared custody if he does. So even if Finn doesn’t want to be so far away from her, he knows it’s necessary.”

“So it’s good for him after all,” Kurt surmised. He gave the cabbie directions to his loft and settled his bag on his legs. “But is it good for you? Don’t pretend like Carole hasn’t been feeding me all the information the doctor has been telling her about your health. Hypertension. Your preexisting heart condition. And that’s only the start of it. Can you properly focus on Finn if you still have to worry about you, too?”

Burt said, an edge of annoyance to his voice, “I can take care of my family, Kurt. I’m the adult. It’s my job to take care of my children, no matter how old they get. Not the other way around, Kurt.”

“I just want you to be careful,” Kurt said firmly. “You’re not as young as you like to think you are. Nor as healthy. And I know you don’t think Finn would ever hurt any of us, and I agree he wouldn’t on purpose, but he can’t control when he has flashbacks. His perception of reality is distorted. He could easily overpower you or Carole.”

Gruffly, Burt said, “I’ve already been talking to one of the best psychologists in the area. She thinks that friendly faces, faces associated with good things, like friends and family, will keep most of that away, and keep his triggers at bay as much as possible. He won’t hurt us, Kurt. And keep in mind this is your brother.”

Voice flat, Kurt reminded, “My very tall, very strong, very hurting brother, dad.” He took a deep breath. “But if you think it’ll help him, and the psychologists thinks it will too, I’ll support you. Whatever you need from me, I’ll do it.”

“What I need,” Burt responded, “Is for you to come visit eventually. Sooner, rather than later, would be nice.”

Kurt had to wince, watching the people and buildings fly by. “That might be easier said than done. You know production starts up for me in a couple of weeks, and it’s frantic after that. Neither will it get any easier later when the show opens. I won’t be free for months, dad, and that’s being generous. I have to be on hand for each and every one of the shows in the beginning. Just in case. And to oversee everything. I can’t come visit.”

The disappointment from his father was palpable, even over the phone. “You sure?”

“Sure.” Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m really sure. Sorry.”

“No. No, it’s okay. I understand.”

Kurt gnawed on his bottom lip for a second, then said, “I know it’s still pretty far off, and you need me there sooner, but I was thinking we could all do Christmas up in DC. Maybe even Thanksgiving, too.”

“You sure you don’t need to spend the holidays with Blaine’s parents this time around?” his father questioned. “You spent the holidays with us last year, too.”

Kurt didn’t know if it really counted. Finn had just been discharged from Langley, was in shambles, and for their family it had been more of two weeks tiptoeing around each other with none of them really sure what there was to be thankful for. Kurt had needed to be with his family, and Blaine had been there to support him.

“Trust me,” Kurt said blandly, “the last thing I want to do is spend the holidays with Blaine’s parents. I never know what they’re going to be more annoyed over, the fact that Cooper is bringing home another baby, or the fact that I’m not. Trust me, I’ll find a way to get out of being with them. Maybe we’ll split the holidays.”

He could tell his dad was angry by the way he said, “You don’t let them put you down for something that’s out of your control, Kurt.”

“I know.” They hit some traffic as the cab pulled down towards the financial area of the city. “I’m on my way home right now. I’ll talk to Blaine about the Finn situation. If I didn’t think that New York was just an accident waiting to happen, I’d invite Finn up to stay with us. But I don’t think it would be good for him. I’m afraid it could be bad.”

“I’ll let you go then,” his dad said. “I promised Carole I’d be home an hour ago, anyway. I love you, kiddo.”

The endearment still sent warmth down to Kurt’s toes, even at his age, even after hearing it so many times in the course of his lifetime. “Love you too, dad. Drive safe.”

Burt scoffed. “You know they don’t let me drive anymore, either. I think I’m a glorified toddler up here.”

Kurt laughed and hung up the phone, missing his dad fiercely. He couldn’t wait to see him again. The distance between them had been great for Kurt to mature and grow on his own, but only for that. Kurt missed seeing him every day, and their phone calls could only cover so much ground.

Kurt and Blaine shared a loft apartment of a more than decent size in an uptown area that was located around just enough to be an exciting place to live, but away from the chaos that was downtown New York city. On the periphery of Midtown, technically. There was a nearby park, one of the few in the area, a series of good, family owned and operated restaurants surrounding them, and a bit of shopping available that Kurt liked to take in on the weekends. It was a nice, family friendly place to live, but it only served to remind Kurt that they had a big place, and a spare bedroom, and opportunity all around them.

Blaine had been angling for years to turn their spare bedroom into an office space for the both of them. It hurt Kurt, not only because he knew that Kurt wanted that room for a nursery, but also because Mason used it when he came to visit and stayed overnight with them.

“I’m home,” Kurt called out when he came through the door. He pulled his scarf free from his neck and hung it nearby, setting his bag on the floor to take off his jacket.

“Hey,” Blaine called out from across the loft. He was seated on the sofa in the open living room, papers probably from work scattered around him, and the TV muted with the news on in the background. “You’re home later than I expected. I thought we might go get dinner tonight. I’ll be late at the office for the rest of the week.”

Kurt toed off his shoes and said, “I had to stay a little later at work. Fighting with the set designer. And the director. I don’t think we have the same vision. I’m not even sure we know we’re working on the same production.”

“I’m sure yours is the best,” Blaine said, clearly distracted.

“I’d like to think so, too,” Kurt mumbled. He spoke up, “I had to go in for the appointment today, remember?”

Blaine looked adorable in his glasses when he looked up from the sheet of paper in front of him. He frowned, searching his memory, and then said, “Martin, right? Doctor Martin? That’s who you were referred to?”

Kurt landed less than gracefully on the sofa next to Blaine and tucked his feet up under him. “Yes. Doctor Martin. I wanted to talk to him about my test results. To see if there’s something wrong with me.”

“Sweetheart,” Blaine said, setting his work aside and leaning over to kiss the corner of his mouth, “we already talked about this. There’s nothing wrong with you. These things just take time. You can’t rush your body. It’s going to be ready when it is.”

Kurt’s finger brushed across Blaine’s rough jaw as he said, “We have sex just about every day. Whenever we can manage it.”

“Totally the best part of my day,” Blaine laughed, stealing a full kiss this time.

Kurt returned a smile and relaxed against the cushions. “Agreed. But what I’m saying is that something feels wrong, when you have unprotected sex for so many years, and there isn’t a little us running around anywhere. So that’s what I talked to Doctor Martin about. That’s what we discussed, and to see if I was doing anything wrong, or if anything was wrong with me physically.”

“You’re alright, yes?” Blaine asked, eyebrows drawn together worriedly. “There’s nothing wrong with you?”

As much as it hurt to admit it, Kurt told him, “Apparently it’s all in my head. I’m perfectly healthy, there’s nothing stopping me from getting pregnant, and I need to stop worrying about getting pregnant. It’ll happen when it happens, I guess.”

“I told you,” Blaine said gently. “You get so worked up about it, but there’s nothing to worry about.”

“I know.” Kurt felt like pouting. Something had felt wrong. Something still felt wrong. And he couldn’t explain it or figure it out. And he was even more conflicted now that he had proof that he was wrong. He felt all mixed up.

“I guess I just want that time to be now,” Kurt said, propping himself up on an elbow. “I’ll be thirty this year. You’re already thirty. Most of our friends have kids already, and we’re not getting any younger. I want to be able to play with our child, or a the least keep up with them. And I want to have the baby safely. I have to do it soon, or we could miss our window of opportunity. I think I’ve been patient up until now.”

Blaine straightened up, shuffling some of his papers around. “On the bright side, we are not ready for a child.”

“Not ready?” Kurt frowned. “Why would you say that?”

“Look around.” Blaine gestured. “Not kid friendly.”

They were, to be fair, sitting on a white couch, situated on a beige rug. Their interior was very modern, Kurt had picked everything himself, and there were sharp edges everywhere. Nothing about the apartment screamed baby friendly, and Kurt was always bringing home dangerous props that a toddler would love to get into. Blaine did have a point. But still …

“Mason sleeps over all the time,” Kurt argued. “We haven’t had any major accidents yet.”

“For a day or two at most,” Blaine said, “except for that one time. And he wasn’t even walking back then. Can you imagine a kid here?”

“We could move,” Kurt posed. “We could move closer to your work. Aren’t you always talking about how long the commute is? We could get a place closer to your firm, with a bedroom for the nursery and an office space for you. As it is, we barely have enough space here. Moving might be a good idea.”

Blaine openly scoffed, and earned a scowl from Kurt as he said, “You handpicked absolutely everything in this apartment, sweetheart. From the kitchen to the bedroom. This is your dream place. You’d give it up in a second?”

“For a baby?” Kurt pondered. “Yes. To make us a family.”

“We’re already a family.”

Kurt could tell Blaine was annoyed now. He had to be. Every night they talked about having a baby. Every night Kurt felt like a failure, and every night Blaine plied him into feeling better. It had to be tiring. Kurt knew he was tiring.

“I know we’re a family.” Kurt reached for Blaine’s glass of wine balanced on the glass coffee table. “And if it’s just the two of us for the rest of our lives, we’ll still be a family. I don’t want you to think that I don’t think that.”

“Good.”

Blaine smiled at him and Kurt could have swooned. Blaine was still so handsome to him. Still such a total package. Kurt wasn’t the nervous, small town hick anymore, and he wasn’t eighteen, on his own for the first time, and nervous to go past first base with another boy. But Blaine still gave him butterflies. Not as frequently anymore, and not as severe as he used to, but they were still there. They’d probably always be there. He’d been lucky enough to marry the love of his life. How many people could say that?

“Want me to make you something to eat?” Kurt asked, climbing to his feet. “You did wait up for me.” He downed the last of Blaine’s wine and replaced it, carefully setting it away from Blaine’s open laptop.

Blaine tugged him down into an open mouth kiss, taking full advantage of Kurt’s surprise. When Kurt was properly lightheaded, Blaine said, “We can make something together.”

Over dinner, a simple pasta with Blaine’s favorite, pesto sauce, Kurt told him about Finn and about his father’s call.

“We can go for Christmas,” Blaine assured. “My parents are probably going out of the country again this year anyway. I doubt they’ll miss us. But I don’t know about thanksgiving. My mother met Martha Stewart in the Hamptons a couple of months ago and now she thinks she’s the new Rachel Ray. I’m sure she’ll want us to come over for Thanksgiving so she can show off how amazing she is.”

“Sounds like your mom,” Kurt said, refilling their wine glasses. “But speaking of, I think I need to call her tomorrow. And by my face you can tell how excited I am over that prospect.”

“You? Voluntarily talk to my mother?” Blaine made to stand up.

“Where’re you going?”

Blaine pointed to the large, bay window across the loft. “I’m just going to go see if I can spot any flying pigs.”

“You’re so funny,” Kurt said dryly. “Actually, it’s more that I have to. I told Doctor Martin how you can’t carry a baby due to your childhood illness. He’s curious as to which medications you were on at the time, and the treatment you received. I’ve got to fax him a list, and shoot, I forgot to ask my dad which anxiety medication I was on when I was sixteen. I can’t remember.”

Blaine, looking ashen, asked, “Why would he be interested in a list like that?”

Kurt shrugged. “No clue. But if it’s helpful in any way, I’m going to get it to him. I mean, it can’t hurt, right? Do you think your mother remembers them all? Or should I plan on contacting your old pediatrician? Can I even access those files, even as your spouse?”

“Wait, wait.” Blaine’s hands came down harder than Kurt had expected on the dining table. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with some strange doctor that I don’t even know having access to my files.”

Kurt couldn’t see why not. “He has access to mine. And he’s a doctor, Blaine. He’s only here to help. I don’t think you’re a super secret spy with classified files, right? So I don’t know why you’re acting like this is a problem. Plus, he wouldn’t be a stranger to you if you’d gone with me today. He’s not the most likeable guy, but he’s professional, and I can tell he’s good at his job.”

“You know I couldn’t go today,” Blaine said snappishly. “I’m working on the Mendoza case. It’s a multimillion dollar lawsuit. I can’t just take a break whenever I want to.”

“I rescheduled three times,” Kurt said, and now he as getting angry. “I tried to make it work around your schedule, regardless of mine, so don’t give me that. And stop trying to be confrontational. Especially towards me. I’m just saying, I wanted you there today. The doctor thought Sam was my husband, and it was embarrassing. You’re my husband, no one is more important than you, and when I go in for a consult because I think something’s wrong, you’re the only one I want there.”

Blaine’s face softened and he apologized, “I know. I’m sorry. Work was … it was stressful today. I don’t mean to take it out on you. And you’re right. I’m not a super secret spy. My records aren’t classified. Call my mom. Ask for them. And if they help, then that’s great, and you get your baby.”

Kurt set his fork down and nervously licked his lips. It had been a long time since he’d asked, but now he had to. His stomach was all knotted up as he said, “Blaine, if you tell me right here and right now that you don’t want a baby, I’ll drop this. I will stop going out of my way to press the issue.”

His husband took a long drink from his wineglass. “Kurt …”

“No,” Kurt interrupted. “Tell me the truth. The absolute truth. Blaine. Please.”

Blaine reached across the table and took Kurt’s hand in his own, holding it firmly. “The truth is, Kurt, that when I was little, and I imagined myself all grown up, I never once pictured a family with more than one person. I didn’t dream about having kids, or look forward to being a father. That’s the truth. But what’s also the truth is that I love you. And I married you because you are the only person I ever want to be with. I want what you want, and if you want a baby, then we should have one. Marriage is about a balance, and just because I never saw myself being a father, doesn’t mean I can’t be one.”

Kurt held his gaze for what felt like forever, trying to search out a lie in his eyes. But there wasn’t one to be found, and eventually he smiled gently. “Okay. Thank you for being honest.”

Blaine leaned across the table, bumping it with a laugh, and kissed Kurt. “I love you, dummy. And we’re going to be okay.”

Kurt nodded and took a bite of his pasta. “I know we are.” He’d get the records to Doctor Martin when he could. It wasn’t a priority. Blaine was. Blaine and his job needed to be the two most important things in his life. And everything else could wait.

***

The two weeks between Kurt’s sketches being approved for synchronicity by the director and the set designer, not to mention the dance coordinator, and the actual construction period of them, flew by. The time of preproduction on any one of his projects usually did. It was the excitement of producing something new, coupled with the frantic rush to produce perfection as fast as possible. Kurt both loathed and loved it. But regardless, it was always the biggest distraction he could hope for. It served to take his mind from the topic of babies, and how often Blaine chose work over home.

But when the two week period of was over, and he had a respite of a desperately needed forty-eight hours, the first thing he did was call his best friend up and demand a lunch date. He always felt guilty ignoring her when he was working hard. Most everyone else could wait, but Mercedes was special.

“You look,” Mercedes said when she came blowing into the restaurant fifteen minutes late and a squirmy Mason being tugged after her, “like you haven’t seen the light in a year.” She arched an eyebrow. “Maybe more.”

As she lifted Mason into the booster seat that Kurt had already fitted onto the dinning chair, the boy gave his godfather a wave and a bashful, “Hi Uncle Kurt.”

“Hi Mason,” Kurt returned, wiggling his fingers back at him. “You’re not giving your mom trouble, are you? I thought we talked about the necessity of good behavior.”

“Yes,” Mercedes said with a laugh, “argue logic with my five year old.”

“I’m a good boy,” Mason protested.

Kurt leaned over a kissed his fringe, assuring, “I bet you are, Mason.”

“So,” Mercedes sighed as she sank into her chair. “I need a strong drink.”

“Problems,” Kurt assumed.

But his best friend only shook her head and clarified, “Not a problem. More like I’m wedged between a rock and hard place and I could use your advice. Everyone knows you always give the best advice, Kurt.”

Kurt chuckled into his water. “Must be why everyone comes to me with all their problems.”

When Mason was happily coloring and properly distracted, and after a round of drinks had been ordered, Mercedes asked, “Do you remember when I told you that getting that gig in Atlantic City this past month was important? I mean, really important.”

Kurt’s head dipped. “It paid well, didn’t it?”

“Well, yes. There’s that.” Her eyes crinkled in a smile. “But it wasn’t the money that attracted me to the show. It was the producer. He’s done some pretty big names in music. I was kind of hoping that he’d notice me. Or maybe that he’d just like my voice. I’m pretty sure any shot I ever had at becoming a star went out the window the day I picked family over career, but it never hurts to dream, right?”

“You are a star,” Kurt protested. “I bet you can’t find me five people who have more range and emotion than you do.”

“You’re one to talk,” she teased. “I haven’t forgotten we were in glee club together.”

Kurt shrugged. For him, music was a passion, but more of a hobby than anything practical or necessary. “You know fashion has always been my first love. I was designing wedding dresses when I was six. When I was little I fully intended to design the next British royal wedding dress, despite the fact that Princess Diana had sons.”

“Anyway.” Mercedes waved a hand. “The point is, I took that job in Atlantic city on a whim and maybe in a bout of stupidity. And yesterday there was a message waiting for me on the answering machine when I got home from grocery shopping with Mason.”

“Jesus,” Kurt nearly demanded, “tell me already.”

Mason’s mouth fell open in an O shape and he stared saucer sized eyes up at Kurt. “Mommy,” he whispered fiercely, “Uncle Kurt swore!”

Kurt deadpanned at her, “We need to talk about what you and I clearly think are different definitions of swearing.”

Her hands covered Mason’s ears as she said, “Is it so much to ask that I’d prefer my five year old not to swear or take the lord’s name in vain?”

Kurt looked apologetic and said, “Alright. Sorry.” Mercedes released Mason’s ears. “But he goes to school now. Chances are, he’s going to hear something a lot worse from one of the other kids, or from the TV, even.”

The grimace on her face told Kurt that she already knew as much, and then she said, “The message on the answering machine, the producer, he wants to use me as a backup singer this summer. He’s got a tour he’s undertaking, a three or four month tour, and he’s been looking for complimentary voices for a long time. He wants to offer me a spot on it. It pays well. Very well, Kurt, and Sam and I have been talking for a long while about moving Mason to a private academy. We just haven’t had the money.”

Kurt never wanted to step on her toes, especially with Mason, but he had to remind, “Mercedes, last year I offered to pay for Mason’s tuition to St. John’s. He’s my godson. I want him to have the best opportunities in life, and that means the best education possible. The ratio in his current class is thirty to one. At St. John’s it would be ten to one, or better. I’m not offering out of charity. I’m offering out of love.”

“I don’t like school,” Mason declared, scratching out a picture of something green and brown, probably a tree to go along with the house that was already drawn. “Boring.”

“At a private school,” Mercedes said, “I’m hoping he’ll be more stimulated. But no, Kurt, I can’t let you pay for his education. I know you mean well, and I love and appreciate that about you, but there are some things a mother needs to provide for her child on her own, and if I take this job, if I go on tour this summer, I’ll have the money for his first year’s tuition. If Sam and I make the money count, maybe even his second.”

He reminded, “It tore you up to be away from Mason and Sam for those two weeks in Atlantic City. How are you going to mange three or four months?”

She shook her head, fingers tapping out on the menu in front of her. “I don’t know. And I want to know if you think I should even consider it.” She huffed a little. “Summer is the time of the year when Sam and I spend the most amount of time with Mason. Is it fair to him to give that up to earn money?”

“Money to provide for him,” Kurt reasoned.

Their waitress came by shortly after that, and once they’d ordered, Mercedes said, “Things are really tight, Kurt. I don’t like to spread my business around, but money is getting to be a bigger and bigger issue between Sam and I. I try not to take it out on him, I know it’s not his fault, and I see how much time and effort he puts into getting a new job every single day. But we’re close to not being able to make it. At this rate we may need to move to New Jersey.”

Kurt laughed, and then remembered, “I don’t suppose Sam told you about my job proposition.”

Mercedes fitted a napkin into the front of Mason’s chest even as he protested he was big enough not to spill anything. “He told me you offered to make him someone’s personal … gofer. We’ll use that word. He was less than enthusiastic.”

“I know it’s not his field,” Kurt told her, “and I know it’s probably one of the last things he wants to do, but it will give him a source of income. And it’s not like I’d be sticking him with Rachel Berry or anything like that. I wouldn’t torture him.”

She promised, “I’ll talk to him about giving it a go. If only for Mason’s sake. But you still haven’t give me an answer as to what you think I should do with the job offer I got. Stop trying to avoid it.”

Her gave her a weak smile. “You know me to well, Mercedes. The truth is, it’s a decision you have to make. I think that it’s an opportunity you may not get ever again, and you should keep that in consideration. That and the fact that Blaine and I are always happy to help out with Mason. If you go away for a few months, we’ll be there to help Sam every step of the way. That’s at least one thing you won’t have to worry about.”

“Every bit helps.”

Their food arrived, and Mercedes turned the topic towards his production, and it was something he was happy to chat about for hours. Even though he knew she wasn’t as completely enthralled by it as he was, she still played the part of a dutiful friend and listened carefully.

“You’ll be coming to opening night, right?” Kurt asked. “It’s still months off, and everything is still a jumbled mess right now, but you’ve got an invitation if you want to. You know Blaine and work. He’ll probably get stuck there, so I’m going too need my best girl on my arm. Just like I prefer.”

She accepted his invitation quickly and settled a hand on Mason’s curly hair. “Maybe you should get both of us a ticket, Kurt. Start my little man on the arts early. I’ll be overrun in a few years if I don’t get on it ASAP. He’s already too inclined to sit on the couch with Sam and watch a Sunday afternoon football game.”

Mason beamed. “I love the Raiders!”

Kurt assumed that to be a football team. Neither he nor Blaine were into sports, and even growing up with his father, the most that had been on in the house was college basketball and college football. Kurt remembered his father claiming that going professional ruined everything.

“You think he’ll sit through a two and a half hour show?”

“What’s the worst that could happen?” She shrugged. “He might fall asleep halfway through.”

“How about we test run it first,” Kurt offered. “No offense, and I love the kid a ton, but if he ruins my opening night because he’s cranky, you might suddenly have a lot of free time on your hands, Mercedes. Being childless is all the rage right now. You remember when you could actually go out at night, right?”

She cracked a smile. “I barely remember. Feels like ages ago. In fact, I’m still trying to figure out why you’d be so keen on giving up your free time. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine when you have a baby.”

“I don’t think of it as giving it up,” Kurt said, spearing a piece of grilled chicken from his salad, “I think of it as putting it to better use.”

“Fair enough,” Mercedes said.

They were nearly through the meal completely when Kurt’s phone began to buzz in his pocket. Typically he wouldn’t have even checked it until after lunch was through, but Kurt’s PA this production was Rory, an Irish and skittish kid who seemed unable to make any confident decisions on his own. Kurt felt more like a babysitter, even though he liked the foreigner enough. He simply didn’t think Rory was suited to such a stressful job. The kid needed a job at a library, or something that didn’t cause him to break out in anxiety caused hives.

“Take it,” Mercedes urged, trying to wrangle Mason into eating the apple slices he’d gotten with his lunch.

Kurt didn’t recognize the number on the phone immediately, and the caller ID was an address more than anything else. So he warily asked, “Hello?”

“Mr. Hummel?” Kurt recognize his voice right away. “This is Doctor Martin.” He tried to think about how long ago he’d sent over Blaine’s information. Maybe less than a week, certainly before production had started on his clothing. It was just hard to say exactly which day it had been.

“Ah, yes,” he cleared his throat, “what can I help you with, Doctor Martin? Has something come up?”

The man was direct and to the point as he said, “I’m going to need you to come in to see me. I’ll have Jenna fit you in at your soonest convenience. But I do need to speak with you, and as quickly as possible.”

Kurt felt his stomach drop out from under him. “Is there a problem?” he asked shakily. “Is there something wrong?” With me, he wanted to ask, even though it had already been established that he wasn’t to blame for his lack of pregnancy.

“There’s just an urgent matter that I need to discuss with you. It can’t be put off. Can you come in today?”

Reflexively, Kurt shook his head, feeling lightheaded. Mercedes’ eyes were on him as he said, “I’ve got to work all day today, and I just don’t have the time. But tomorrow? First thing tomorrow morning?”

“Eight?” Doctor Martin asked. “It’s early, but this can’t wait.”

“Okay,” Kurt said shakily. “I can do eight. But please, Doctor Martin, can you tell me if something is wrong?” He hated the tone in the man’s voice, reserved if only for fear of upsetting him. Kurt was no child, and he wasn’t unstable, either. He could take bad news over the phone. He could cope.

Carefully, more than Kurt expected, Doctor Martin said, “I may have found the issue with your problems. I suggest you bring your husband in with you, Mr. Hummel.”

The chances of that happening, Kurt knew, were slim to none. Blaine had only continued to work one big case after another, citing their importance to him every time Kurt tried to make plans for them, or do something romantic. Kurt had always known that marrying Blaine meant marrying his job in a lot of ways, but this was important too.

“I don’t think he’ll be able to,” Kurt said honestly, “but I promise you, I’ll be there tomorrow morning. Eight.”

When Kurt hung up the phone there was such a lump in his throat that he didn’t think he could manage to eat any more of his lunch.

Mercedes asked, “What’s wrong?” and seemed genuinely confused and concerned at the expression on his face.

“That was my doctor,” Kurt said, voice straining. “He said he needs to see me as soon as possible. There’s … I guess something came up recently. Something important. About getting pregnant? It can’t wait.”

Encouragingly, Mercedes said, “This could be a good thing, Kurt. Maybe he has a solution. Maybe he knows a way to make it happen for you, Kurt.”

“I don’t think so.” Kurt couldn’t help looking over at Mason, who was so adorable and so perfect. “He said he wanted me to bring Blaine, and it didn’t sound like good news. Oh, Mercedes, what if I never have my own Mason?”

“You can borrow mine whenever you want.”

Kurt slumped. “Thanks.”

Mercedes pinched him hard and he jumped high in the air as she said, “Think positive, Hummel. You don’t know what he’s going to say. Don’t think it’s the worst. Don’t.”

He tried not to. But it was on his mind the entire night. And when Blaine came home late, and fell into bed without so much as a word, Kurt felt utterly alone in his troubles.

He barely slept that night. Mostly he laid quietly next to Blaine, soaking in his warmth, talking himself into not saying anything in the morning to him about Doctor Martin’s call. There was no point in getting Blaine all worked up over something Kurt knew nothing about. And he knew Blaine had to be in court that morning. He wouldn’t be able to go no matter what.

Kurt was parked out in front of Doctor Martin’s office an hour before he actually needed to be there. He hadn’t been able to help himself, and after two rounds of coffee, Pilates, and a walk through central park at an ungodly hour, Kurt wondered if the clock was ticking exceptionally slow just to torment him. It seemed an eternity before it was fifteen to seven, and he couldn’t sit still in the car any longer.

“Mr. Hummel,” Doctor Martin greeted when Kurt was finally in front of him.

“Call me Kurt,” he responded. “If you’re about to tell me that I have some horrible reason that I can’t get pregnant, that everyone missed the first time, and that all my baby dreams just went down the drain, then call me Kurt. It’s the least you can do while you shatter the fantasy land I’ve been living in for several years now. And by several I mean almost seven.”

There was another folder on Doctor Martin’s desk as he agreed to use Kurt’s first name, but the file name was blank and Kurt wondered what was in it.

“Mr. Hummel … Kurt, it comes to my attention that I never asked you for your husband’s medical records. In fact, you never once mentioned that he received a physical at the same time as you.”

Kurt frowned. “That’s because he didn’t. Blaine and I both receive biyearly physicals every six months, but out timing has been off a little bit and we were mismatched this last round. I had mine five weeks ago, and he had his several months ago.”

Doctor Martin shook his head. “For the purpose of my office, Kurt. I asked you to have a fully checkup done. It was assumed that because this is a matter concerning both you and your husband, that both you and your husband would have the work done. But I’ve checked with the hospital. There’s only record of your checkup, Kurt. And not your husband’s.”

“Yes,” Kurt said slowly. “Blaine didn’t have one. I thought I was clear about that. Because the problem is with me, right? I’m the one trying to get pregnant here. Why would it matter if Blaine had any bloodwork done?”

The doctor sighed. “It wouldn’t be the bloodwork I’d be interested in.” He opened his file looked to Kurt. Waiting.

Kurt shrugged at the look. “Blaine’s healthy. He’s one hundred percent healthy. He hasn’t been sick in ages, and it’s something I’m thankful for every day. I don’t see the point in Blaine having the series of comprehensive tests that I did, if he’s been healthy for over a decade now.”

“Because there was a time in his life when he wasn’t,” the doctor said bluntly. “And I’m mostly concerned with the Mumps you mentioned, and the treatment he received for it.” He read off a list of highly complex words that Kurt wasn’t sure he could even pronounce, let alone know what they were for. He only knew that it had to be what he’d faxed over to the doctor’s office. It had to be the list that Blaine’s mother had been overly reluctant to give him. He’d chalked it up to her just not liking him.

“I answered your questionnaire,” Kurt said defensively, “when I first came here. I listed my medical history, and Blaine’s. I listed everything you asked for.”

“But not his previous condition. You left that off.”

“I couldn’t remember at the time. That was so long ago. That and the prescriptions.” Kurt gestured to the paper. “I probably couldn’t even say them. But why are they such a big deal? They haven’t been in Blaine’s system for a very long time now, and I’ve never taken anything like that.”

“If your husband were ever to relapse, or anyone else find themselves diagnosed with Mumps, these medications would never be prescribed to him again, or anyone else in his condition.” The doctor closed the file, folded is hands over the top and gave Kurt something that looked scarily like sympathy.

“No?” Kurt asked warily.

Doctor Martin was graying at the temples, and seemed like he’d delivered too much bad news over the course of his lifetime. And the pit that had been in Kurt’s stomach the day before, and the ball in his throat, suddenly roared back to life. He couldn’t help the feeling of dread that he was soon to be just another in a long list of people to receive bad news from the doctor.

Kurt told him, “I tend to be very direct. And I prefer it if people are direct with me. So whatever you have to say, just say it.”

Doctor Martin nodded. And then Kurt’s world came crashing down.

The doctor informed him, “At the time your husband’s doctors wouldn’t have known this, but more than enough studies have shown now that a good deal of these medications, especially used in combination, have been known to cause sterility. In fact, Mumps itself has been attributed to fertility issues in men.”

Kurt reached a hand forward onto the doctor’s desk to steady himself, breathing sharply as the words began to sink in.

“While,” the doctor continued, “it is completely normal for some couples to try for a great deal of time to become pregnant before conception actually happens, I think we need to face the truth of the situation, and take into account that your husband may have been impacted by both the illness and the medication he took as a child.”

“He’s sterile?” Kurt asked, face flushed. “You think he is? He can’t … we won’t … are you sure?”

“No,” Doctor Martin said honestly. “That’s why I’m going to arrange for your husband to have a complete workup done. We’ll get to the bottom of this. A large percentage of men and women who used these medications have since become sterile, but not all of them. You could be one of the lucky few, and you could just need to be patient, as we originally discussed. Neither does everyone who contracts Mumps have fertility issues.”

“And what does it mean if he’s sterile?” He felt stupid asking. He knew what it meant. He knew how it would change their lives forever. But also wanted to make sure he wasn’t missing anything. Maybe there was still a chance. Maybe.

Martin leveled with him, “If he’s sterile, then you won’t ever be able to have any biological children with him. He won’t be capable of reproducing, under any conditions. I’m sorry.”

Kurt’s other hand came up to the desk and he braced himself against it, having trouble drawing in breath.

“I know this must be devastating for you to hear--”

“You know?” Kurt said jaggedly. “I don’t think you know. My dad is the best father in the entire world. Maybe of all time. He loved me and nurtured me and accepted me and never made me feel like I wasn’t the most important person to him. When I came out to him, he treated it as nothing out of the ordinary, and asked me what I wanted for dinner. He always encouraged and supported me and I’m the man I am today, because of him. I’ve always wanted to take that example and have a family of my own. It’s all I could think about when I met Blaine, and when I married him. And then every day after that for the near seven years we didn’t use protection. So don’t tell me that you know. I can see the pictures of your family around this office. Don’t even think for a second that you know.”

Martin only nodded silently.

“Oh, god,” Kurt breathed out. “He’s sterile.”

“Not necessarily.”

Kurt might have whipped toward him so face he suffered whiplash. “I thought you said--”

“I wasn’t finished.”

Slowly Kurt let himself relax against the chair. “What else is there?”

“We talked about the possibility of sterility,” Doctor Martin explained, “but there’s also the chance that your husband’s sperm count was only impacted. Diminished. He could still be viable, and quite capable of reproduction. The two of you may just need to consider a little modern intervention in helping him along.”

Kurt dared to ask, “I could still get pregnant? I could still have my husband’s child?”

“I don’t want to promise you anything.” Doctor Martin looked hesitant to give him even the barest of hope. “I’ve read the reports from my fellow colleagues on this matter. Only a small number of people, smaller in number than the ones who weren’t affected at all, suffered a diminished sperm count. In the male gender, of course, but there is always a chance. I’ll need you to have your husband checked out as soon as you can, and the results forwarded to me. We can go from there, after we know more.”

He wasn’t sure how he managed it, but he stood a few moments later, and hung his bag over his shoulder. He had all of his work supplies with him, and had intended to go directly after the meeting. But now he wasn’t even sure if he could drive his car. Work seemed out of the question.

“Kurt,” Doctor Martin called after him, “I think you should keep in mind, at the time that your husband was prescribed these drugs, they were experimental. He was essentially a test subject for parents who were desperate to cure their children. No one would have known about the consequences.”

Kurt tried to swallow down the lump in his throat s he said, “I would never blame my husband for something that isn’t his fault. That wouldn’t be fair. I’m upset and I’m mad but I’m not blaming him. I’m not even blaming his mother, because I know if I was lucky enough to have a child, I’d do anything to save their life, even if it meant trying something risky and unknown.”

“Of course.” The doctor nodded. “But there is …”

“What is it?” Kurt was in the process of sliding his jacket on and he stilled.

There was a tight, pulled look to Doctor Martin’s face as he imparted, “Your husband wouldn’t have known at the time he was prescribed his medication, but it was common knowledge that Mumps could affect fertility. Also, my notes indicate he’s had the same primary doctor for most of his life. Even when he was seeing specialists for his illness, he still revered back to his primary. Is that true?”

“Yes.” Kurt nodded. “Doctor Roberts is a family doctor. Blaine even tried to get me to see him early in our marriage. Blaine trusts him implicitly. What are you saying?”

Martin rounded the desk to put a hand on Kurt’s shoulder as he said, “If your husband’s doctor is at all competent, and I’d like to believe that most doctors are, he would have kept up to date with your husband’s medical records and progression. He would have known about the published studies concerning the side effects of the drugs prescribed. He would know they cause sterility. And her certainly would have known about the link between Mumps and fertility. I would think he would have told your husband. In fact there’s no way he wouldn’t have not know.”

It felt like betrayal.

It felt like he was stabbed in the heart, or that maybe he didn’t have a heart at all. He felt like he’d been lied to and manipulated and more than anything else, he felt like a fool. He felt like the one person in the world that he’d chosen to give his heart to, and who had known how badly he wanted a baby, had been playing him all along. He supposed he was just one big joke.

“Mr. Hummel!”

Kurt nearly slammed into the doctor’s consult room’s heavy oak door in his near sprint to escape the room. His bag was flopping around behind him as he breezed past the receptionist, not sparing her more than a glance. When she called after him as well, her voice joining Doctor Martin’s, she was ignored the same way he had been.

He dropped his keys at the car as he fumbled for the button to unlock the doors. “Damnit!” He could feel the wetness on his cheeks as he bent to retrieve them, and sucked in a deep breath to calm himself.

He had to know. That was what it came down to. He had to know if he was a fool, and if everything had been a sham. And he couldn’t afford to wait until after Blaine got home late, or had time for him, or whenever it was convenient.

Kurt drove directly to Blaine’s building and darted past the door man as he said, “Mr. Hummel. How have you be--”

“Later, Carl!” Kurt called over his shoulder. He was hurting so badly, but Carl had always been good to him, keeping him company during the early days of his relationship with Blaine, when there had been many nights spent waiting for Blaine to let out from his junior associate tasks.

His hands clenched into fists as the slow moving elevator took him up to Blaine’s floor.

“Kurt?” Blaine’s secretary asked as he came around the corner, probably looking a little bit carzy. “Honey, what’re you doing here?”

Kurt’s hands slammed down on her station’s surface, startling her. “Where is he?” Kurt demanded. “Is he in his office?”

Blaine had one of the offices the furthest down the hall, and it was always impossible to tell if he was in or not, especially since Blaine was distracted easily, and liked to keep the blinds drawn. Of course when they’d been younger, or maybe just more adventurous, Kurt had come to see him at work once or twice with nothing but the intent to distract him. The days seemed so long ago now, not merely a few years previous.

“No. He’s not, sweetie.”

Blaine’s secretary was relatively young, and certainly peppy enough, with sandy brown hair and a girlfriend that scared the crap out of him. Finding his manners, Kurt asked sullenly, “How’s the baby?”

The secretary, Jillian, smiled brightly up at Kurt and said, “Santana’s got her today. I’ve decided not to try and predict the level of chaos I’ll come home to.”

Kurt wanted nothing to do with a betting pool like that. Santana had always scared him. Ever since high school when she’d been vicious and self serving and maybe even vindictive, and then later on when they’d both ended up in New York and she’d decided to stray from the dark side, probably around the time she’d met Jillian.

“Where is he?” Kurt asked again. The anger was fading into nothing but hurt, and he wanted to confront Blaine before it was gone completely, and he was nothing but a sobbing mess. Before he fell apart completely from losing something he’d never really had a shot at in the first place.

Jillian pointed vaguely down the hall. “Conference first thing this morning.”

“Thanks,” he humbled, and took off down the hall.

“Kurt! Kurt no!” He felt Jillian running after him, her heels clacking on the floor. “You can’t go in there! It’s a client meeting!”

Kurt threw open the conference room door harder than he needed to and took a deep breath as he spotted Blaine at the front of the room, surrounded by a dozen other people.

“Kurt?” Blaine asked, confused and worry pulling at his face. “Are you okay?”

Jillian skidded to a stop behind Kurt and apologized, “I tried to stop him, Blaine.”

“What’s going on?” Blaine asked.

“I need to know,” Kurt thundered, his eyes wet again.

“Know what?”

Kurt squared his shoulder and snapped, “I just saw Doctor Martin this morning. He said you’re probably sterile, and that you already knew it. And you let me go on like some stupid twat about having a baby and being a family and you let me get my hopes up for nothing. You knew and you played me for a fool.”

“No. Kurt.” Blaine took a step towards him, hand out. “You don’t--”

“Did you know?” Kurt seethed. “Did you know and did you string me along?”

Blaine froze. “Kurt, sweetheart, I don’t …”

“You better tell me the truth,” Kurt leveled, eyes narrowing. “Because if you lie to me this marriage is over. We are over. So you better be real careful about what you say next.”

Behind him, Jillian squeaked nervously.

When next Kurt saw Doctor Martin it was a tense six days later, and Blaine was next to him. They were seated silently in front of the man with the air thick between them and everyone too afraid to be the first to speak.

And Martin, who was too stern and too uptight in Kurt’s opinion, looked like he’d rather be anywhere else on the planet. Kurt didn’t blame him. Neither he nor Blaine had been fun to deal with, and if anything they’d been difficult, if only because of the nosedive their relationship had taken. Blaine hadn’t known, and he hadn’t lied, but for some reason it was hard for Kurt to have faith in him. It was a horrible feeling.

“Well, gentlemen,” Doctor Martin said, clearing his throat. “I think we should get right too it. I’ve--”

“Am I shooting blanks?” Blaine asked, cutting him off with a stony expression.

Martin rephrased, “You’re biologically incapable of fathering any children. I’m sorry. You will never be able to.”

Kurt’s shoulders folded in and a dry laugh forced its way from his mouth. He could feel Blaine stiffen against him even further, and then Kurt managed, “That’s just hilarious.”

“Kurt?” Blaine asked.

“All this time.” Kurt fisted his hands against his slacks, breathing deep. “All of these years I spent thinking I was the problem. Every day I got up and thought that maybe it would be the day that my body would cooperate, and every night before bed I told myself tomorrow would be the day. And I was absolutely delusional, because I’m perfectly healthy, and it’s my husband who’s sterile. That is just absolutely hilarious.”

With his brow creased, Martin asked Blaine, “Your doctor never said anything to you? Kurt said the both of you receive biyearly physicals. But that you had a childhood, family doctor that you preferred to see, and he went through the hospital.”

“I go twice a year,” Blaine agreed, nodding. “But honestly it mostly consists of Doctor Roberts asking me how I feel, and taking some blood. Then he checks my reflexes, and my mobility and after that we’re done. It’s probably a twenty minute visit. And I doubt he’s read up much on anything as of the past five years.”

Kurt leaned an elbow on the arm of the chair and supplied, “He’s seventy years old, and he’s been going blind for the past decade, more severely the past few years. I’m sure he’s a fine doctor, I just prefer to place my physical health into someone who can actually read the test results.”

Blaine cut a look over to him. “He was my grandfather’s doctor, and my mother’s, and mine.”

“Guess he won’t be our child’s.”

“Kurt,” Blaine snapped.

Kurt refused to look his way, his eyes fixed to Doctor Martin’s desk. “I think I have the right to be angry, Blaine. I have the right to get angry and stay angry and you’re not going to try and take that away from me. These were my hopes and dreams for the future that were just crushed, not yours, and I’d really appreciate a little empathy. Sympathy, if you can’t manage that.”

In an act that probably was meant to be comforting, Blaine brought a hand down to the back of neck. Kurt remembered loving the gesture. From times past Now it just felt suffocating.

“These … ah ….” Doctor Martin struggled to find his rhythm for a moment. “These repots of sterility are actually very new. With the medication, not with the Mumps illness itself. Six to seven years old, actually. Some of them are a little older, but it took quite a while for any of the pieces to come together. Just long enough for the vast majority of patients to begin wanting families, and finding it impossible. And even then, the sterility was attributed to the illness, and not the medication.”

“Isn’t there a lawsuit of some kind?” Blaine asked.

“Money?” Kurt demanded. “You want money from this, Blaine? Is that the lawyer in you? I really hope it is.”

Martin said, “Pending, but not expected to go anywhere anytime soon. Your parents, Mr. Anderson, along with everyone else, signed inch thick paperwork on the matter. There’s to be no accountability held for the manufacture or any of the doctors who prescribed. There’s no one to blame, unfortunately. It simply is.”

Kurt dared to hope, “Didn’t you say there was a chance that Blaine’s sperm count had been impacted? That maybe it’s just so low that it’s being confused for sterility? If even the smallest portion of the count is viable, we can try something, right? There must still be something we can do. Anything.”

The slow shake of Martin’s head was the final nail for Kurt. Everything had slipped through his fingers. And he was heartbroken.

“I’m sorry, Kurt,” Blaine mumbled, leaning in close and bumping his nose against Kurt’s cheek. “I know how much this meant to you.”

“You didn’t even want a baby,” Kurt accused angrily, chest tightening in a tell tale sign that tears weren’t far behind. “You should be happy.”

Blaine’s hand at the back of his neck slid down to his shoulders and he tugged Kurt into an awkward hug, the chairs making it impossible for either to get a good grip. Then he kissed the soft, freshly shaven skin of Kurt’s cheek and said, “I love you, Kurt. Don’t you remember? I want what you want. But more than that, I want to see you smile. So if you’re upset, because you wanted this so badly, then I’m upset too.”

“I just …” Kurt huffed. “I wanted one so much. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.”

“It’s also,” Blaine said somberly, “the end of the road. Maybe we’re just not meant to have children. It doesn’t mean we aren’t a perfect family just the way we are. I don’t want you to think that we’re broken, or less of anything because we don’t have was Mercedes has, or even Finn. We started with just me and you, and it’s perfectly fine to finish that way.”

It wasn’t Blaine’s fault. Kurt repeated that to himself enough times that he began to believe it. Blaine hadn’t known, and while he obviously wasn’t heartbroken, he had been willing to give Kurt a baby. They’d tried constantly for years. Blaine had tried. And just because medication that had saved Blaine’s life as a child had also rendered him sterile, didn’t mean that Blaine was to blame. He couldn’t be, and it wasn’t fair for Kurt to try and blame it on him. Kurt would have rather had his sterile husband any day of the week, instead of no one at all.

“You’re right,” he told Blaine, trying to sound strong. “Maybe I’ve been … maybe I’ve been obsessing over a baby for too long.”

“Maybe?” Blaine cracked a smile. “You’ve had baby fever since before the wedding. But you always go hard when you see something you want. You have drive and dedication and those are just a couple of things that made me fall in love with you.”

Blaine wasn’t to blame. No one was. And Kurt couldn’t keep making it hard on him. People didn’t deserve to be blamed for things that weren’t their fault. And Kurt loved Blaine.

“Thank you,” Kurt told him, meaning every word as much as he could. “And I love you.”

Again, Martin cleared his throat, and he interrupted them by saying, “While children may never happen biologically for the two of you--”

“No,” Kurt said, turning away from Blaine to Doctor Martin. “I don’t want to adopt. I think for the right people, adoption is the most beautiful gift you can give a child, but I’m afraid if we do, that I’ll look at that child and think that they could have been mine. Biologically. And I’m afraid I might resent a child. That would tear me up inside. I couldn’t let that happen.”

“Okay.” Martin’s head inclined. “But you’re still very healthy, Kurt. And capable. Have you thought about seeking out a genetic donor to help you?”

Kurt caught his lower lip between his teeth and then said, “I’m not sure I understand.”

“A genetic donor.” The doctor gestured between the two of them. “It’s a very real option for couples who have one viable partner and the other who is incapable of carrying or conceiving. In fact many couples in your position choose to go this route. Your genetic material is still good, Kurt. And you could choose a donor who’s complimentary to your partner.”

“Pick someone who looks like Blaine?”

“Or maybe just shares the same attributes in him that you prefer.” Martin shrugged. “Some patients of mine prefer their donor’s genetic material to foster a physical likeness to their partners, and some prefer to mirror their intelligence, or artistic ability, or any other number of things. It’s preferential depending on the client. But it’s roughly the same amount of money that you’d spend if Mr. Anderson’s sperm count were low and required medical intervention.”

“I don’t …” Kurt looked to Blaine. “I never … we never thought about this.”

“A genetic donor?” Blaine made a face. “Like a sperm bank? You think we should just go pick out the best candidate and be done with it? Survival of the fittest sperm?”

“I know,” Martin ground out, “it sounds clinical, but with you preferring not to go the route of adoption, I think it’s your best bet. Most donors prefer to remain completely anonymous. You may not even be able to learn their names, and they retain no legal rights to the genetic material. The child would be yours, wholly, and at the very least, it would be related biologically to at least one of you.”

Blaine looked more than a little pale. “I’m supposed to just be okay with the idea of my husband being pregnant with another man’s child?”

Kurt winced as he tried to imagine what it would be like to raise a child who wasn’t Blaine’s. The idea was almost impossible.

Kindly, Martin rose and moved towards the door to the office, telling Blaine, “It’s simply genetic material, and no more than that. Plenty of men are fathers to children who are not their biologically all the time. It’s a mindset, more than anything. But I do realize this is a lot to take in. Why don’ the two of you go home and think about it. Discuss it between yourselves and come to the decision that is best for your family. Check back in with me if you have any questions or if you think it’s the route you might want to go.”

Blaine’s hand founds his as Kurt stood, and it was a pleasant surprise. It felt even better when his husband squeezed it firmly.

“Do you need to get back to the office?” Kurt asked when they were to the car. “You can just drop me off. I’ll take the train to work if you’re tight on time.” Work would be good to get his mind off what he’d just had confirmation of.

“Things are rough at work right now,” Blaine admitted, “there are several big cases circulating around, and I feel like I’ve got my hands in all of them. But actually, if you have the time, I was thinking we could go get breakfast together. I think we’ve earned some time for just us. And we could talk about what we just found out?”

“What’s there to talk about?” Kurt wanted to know. “My doctor is advising me to get pregnant with another person’s genetic material, from a person who is not my husband. Like it’s some everyday thing and people do it all the time. Like it’s nothing.”

“Come on.” Blaine started the car. “Call Rory and tell him you’re going to be late. We need to go get breakfast, or at least a drink. I think we could both use a drink.”

It was nine in the morning and Kurt found himself out on a terrace, drinking a mimosa under the guise of it still somewhat being a breakfast drink. Blaine was making no attempt to hide the fact that he was on his second martini, a mostly untouched plate of food in front of him.

It was their favorite place to grab breakfast, or at last had been when they’d actually had time to have breakfast together. Most mornings now consisted of grabbing coffee at a breakneck speed and barely making it out the door with time.

“Better slow down,” Kurt grinned, pushing some of his own food around on the plate. It was just barely warm enough to be sitting outside, but that was probably because there was no breeze, and the sun was just starting to break through the clouds in a warm haze. Kurt let his head tip back and soak in the feeling. An hour earlier his world had come crashing down, and now he as trying to make the best of it. And appreciate what he did have, and not dwell on what he didn’t.

“I will,” Blaine promised. “Its my last one. And by the way, People do do it all the time.”

“Do what?” Kurt asked, not opening his eyes. “Have two martinis before noon? No, dear, just a socialite like you.”

“Very funny.”

Kurt felt warm lips on the corner of his mouth. “I try.”

“The genetic donor thing.”

At that, Kurt had to look at him, eyes maybe a little wider than he’d expected. “Are you saying you’re okay with shopping for sperm how I shop for material? The prettiest one wins?”

“No.” Blaine almost reeled back out of his chair. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. And I’m not really into the idea either, I think you should know. But you look like someone just shredded your best Gucci boots. But worse.”

“I’d give up all of my boots for the rest of my life to make this morning go away. To have it never have happened. But … but I know that’s not realistic. We have to live with the cards we’re dealt, and deal with them as best we can.”

Blaine pried, “But how do you feel about the idea of picking out a sperm donor?”

Kurt caught his fingers and he wondered why they didn’t hold hands more frequently. It was a wonderful expression of affection. And it gave him the strength to say, “I want a baby so bad. More than I’ve ever wanted anything. The time is right. I just know it. But the idea of carrying another man’s baby? Of having a baby that isn’t yours? It makes me a little sick to my stomach. I want it to be yours. It should be yours. And I don’t know if I want it so bad that I could deal with it not being yours. I just don’t know.”

“Then …” Blaine drew back. “We don’t have a baby? We keep the status quo? Because I know how badly you wanted a baby, Kurt, but it’s been working pretty well for us like this for a long time.”

But had it? Kurt wasn’t sure. He loved Blaine, absolutely, but they hardly saw each other anymore. They didn’t spend any real time together, they didn’t go on vacation, and the only time they were together for a long period of time was during one of Blaine’s company parities, or at Kurt’s shows. And they didn’t really talk, either. Not like they used to, not about their feelings and hopes and dreams. Everything was beginning to feel stale between them. A good part of Kurt had hoped a baby would change that. At least a little.

“I guess.”

“Look.” Blaine hung an arm around Kurt’s shoulders and said, “I know things have been stressful lately, but how about we think about getting away for the weekend? Neither one of us can leave for much longer than that, but I say we book a hotel, drive up somewhere, and just deal with us. No one else. I think it’ll do us some good.”

That had Kurt’s eyebrows rising. “We never go anywhere anymore.”

“We’ll go soon,” Blaine said. “And in the meantime, you should call your dad. Talk to him. I know it’s not quite the same circumstances, and your parents had you by the time they got their bad news, but there was a time when your father heard exactly what we did. He’s been where we are, to find out biological children aren’t an option anymore.”

“I don’t want to put this on his shoulders,” Kurt protested. “He’s got so much work. He doesn’t need to deal with out problems.”

Blaine traced the rim of his glass with his finger and reminded, “He’s your father, Kurt. He loves you and I’m sure he doesn’t see you as something he has to deal with. Give him a call. You always feel better after you talk to him.”

“I will,” Kurt said, “as soon as I get the chance. Now we have to hurry, or the both of us are going to be so late we might as well stay for lunch.”

Blaine laughed. “They do make a mean Panini here.”

With a calming smile, Kurt gave Blaine’s hand final squeeze. “I think we’re going to be okay.”

“We were always going to be okay,” Blaine said with a dazzling smile. “Because it’s me and you.”

It was likely because Blaine sounded so confident when he spoke, that Kurt gave into his urging and ended up calling his father a few days later. It was that or the overwhelming feeling of depression that seemed to well up on him over night. He’d been certain that not having a baby was something he could get through, and that he and Blaine would be enough, and then quickly it seemed that he was wrong. His heart ached and he felt nauseas over the truth of it all. Work was starting to feel more and more like an escape, and seeing Blaine was only becoming a reminder of their missed opportunity. It took him nearly a week to realize he was avoiding going home as much as he was avoiding Blaine.

So he called home. But it wasn’t his father he got on the main line. It was Finn.

“You don’t sound happy to talk to me,” Finn teased when Kurt stumbled over his words.

“No! It’s not that.”

Finn laughed loudly. “No, dude, I get it. I know. We haven’t talked in a while.”

“I don’t know what’s more strange,” Kurt told him, resting against his drafting bench in his office. “The fact that we used to talk every day after you were discharged to work on your dependency issues, or the fact that your dependency issues went out the window after we stopped talking to each other all the time. This is your psychologist’s work, isn’t it?”

Finn scoffed and said, “She just said I shouldn’t carry you around like a baby blanket, not that I couldn’t call you. You’re the one who’s got the frantic life. My day consists of my therapy session, the soup kitchen, helping mom clean the house, and maybe, if it’s a particularly exciting day, checking my facebook status.”

“I have been busy,” Kurt admitted, then apologized, “I didn’t mean to ignore the family. Sorry. Just … some big things have been happening. Bad things.”

Kurt could hear the scrape of a chair and then Finn said, “Tell your big brother everything.”

“You’re younger than me by six weeks.”

“And taller by six inches. So tell me what’s going on.”

Kurt remembered when talking to Finn had been difficult. They’d struggled to communicate for so long, and it was almost hard to put into perspective the fact that it was done so easily now. And so Kurt told Finn everything, about Blaine’s sterility, and their doctor’s suggestion and how he’d thought they could be okay, but it was feeling less and less so every day that passed.

“And you think it’ll be weird?” Finn questioned. “For you or for Blaine?”

“For both of us. Don’t you think? Nothing says I love you like some guy having a baby that is not his husband’s.”

Finn snorted, “No offense, but your husband can’t exactly give you what you want, Kurt.”

“So I’m supposed to just find it where can?”

“Well … yes?”

“That is a horrible idea.”

His stepbrother wanted to know, “Why? Because you think it’s going to hurt Blaine’s feelings? Kurt, you always get what you want. You’re really good at it. You work hard so you can play hard. And I know how bad you want a baby. I also know how much you deserve one. And it isn’t fair that I can have one by way of a faulty condom and you can’t because your husband is sterile. That isn’t fair to you, and you can do something about that.”

“Blaine is never going to be able to have kids,” Kurt reminded.

“But he loves you, right?” Finn questioned.

“I should hope so,” Kurt balked. “We are married.”

“And you want a baby?”

“More than anything.”

Finn sighed. “Then why does it matter who’s kid it is? You’re going to carry it. You and Blaine are going to raise it. You’ll love it and take care of it and it will call you and Blaine its parents. Your dad is my dad, Kurt, and he isn’t related to me at all. But he’s who showed me how to be a man, and that’s better. Family isn’t defined by blood. If it was, I know a lot of people who’d be really pissed off. Family is what you make it, the same as your dreams. Nothing comes to you. You have to go get it. You have to be proactive.”

Kurt couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up, and he remarked, “I can definitely tell you’ve been talking to a psychologist.”

“She’s helping.”

“I can also tell.” Kurt moved a snatch of fabric to the side. “You sound so good.”

“Thanks.” Kurt could hear the chair scrape again. “But for the record, I really do think it’s a good idea for you and Blaine to look into getting a donor. That’s all it would be. A donor. Basic genetic material. It’s not another guy’s baby, Kurt. It’s just material. It’s your baby. And it’s Blaine’s. But that’s just my opinion.”

Kurt didn’t have long to talk, and after glossing over a few more topics he was forced to get back to work.

But Finn’s words sunk in, and all day they were all Kurt could think about. Originally the idea of having anyone else’s baby made his stomach churn, but Finn’s words had hit home. Parents were who raised children, not who made them. Parents were the ones who took care of children when they were sick and supported them and loved them. Blaine wasn’t big on children, but he had a great capacity for love. Kurt hated to see that wasted. A child deserved the kind of love Blaine had to give.

He just didn’t feel like he could talk about his change of mind with Blaine. As Kurt had struggled with his changing feelings, Blaine had gone right back to the life they’d had before they’d known anything. To him, everything was fine, and to Kurt, he was fighting a whole new battle. A different one. One he didn’t know how to fight.

“You’re quiet,” Blaine remarked over dinner.

“Just thinking,” was all Kurt said, “about what I talked to Finn about today.”

He tried not to pull away. He tried not to feel something growing between himself and Blaine again. He tried not to acknowledge the gap between them.

Yet it was also on his mind, along with the growing idea that having a baby with Blaine, regardless of genetic makeup, was the right idea. Kurt had always felt he was meant to have children, and if not with Blaine, then who? One. Just one. He only wanted one. And badly enough to not care any longer where it came from, as long as he could carry it and nourish it and love it.

“I changed my mind,” Kurt blurted out several days after talking with Finn. They were on their way to have dinner with Mercedes and Sam and Kurt couldn’t take it any more. Every day that passed that they didn’t talk about his change of heart ate him up inside. And every day felt like a day wasted that they weren’t any closer to having a baby.

“About what?” Blaine asked, eyebrows up near his hairline. “Going to dinner with our friends? I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but it’s a little late for that.”

“No. Not that.” Kurt folded is hands in his lap. “About having baby. I changed my mind about that.”

Blaine still looked confused. “But you said you didn’t want to adopt. You wanted the experience of carrying the baby. You wanted that almost as much as you wanted the baby.”

“At first,” Kurt tried to explain, “the idea of having anyone else’s child made me sick. I’m married to you. You’re my husband. It’s your child I should be having. But we both know that’s never going to happen. So I was trying to get used to the idea of never having a baby. But then Finn reminded me of something. Parents aren’t the people who give birth to children, Blaine. Anyone can do that. Parents raise children. They care and love them. That’s what a parent is. So why should it matter who’s genetic material we use?”

Blaine stared straight ahead as he drove, but did say, “I have to be honest, Kurt, I’m not comfortable with the idea.”

“I want a baby,” Kurt’s voice cracked. “And I know your capacity for love is so great. If we have a baby with a donor, you won’t love it any less because it’s not yours biologically. And you’ll still be the father. No matter what. Our baby will call you daddy. I can’t see that anything else counts.”

“Kurt.”

Blaine sounded more than reluctant. He sounded like no matter what Kurt was going to say, he wouldn’t be swayed. And once again Kurt felt on the precipice, with his future unknown. It was a feeling he hated. What if Blaine never came around? What if he never wanted a child if it couldn’t be his biologically?

Blaine was quiet for a long time after that, almost until they reached Mercedes and Sam’s place. But when he parked the care he made no move to leave it, sitting still for an eternity until he asked, “Is a baby that important to you? Do you want it more than anything else in this world?”

“There is nothing,” Kurt told him flatly, “I want more. And nothing I won’t do to get one. Nothing I won’t sacrifice. I was born to be a father, Blaine. And if I go my whole life never reaching that goal, I’ll feel like I failed. I’ll feel incomplete.”

Blaine looked so upset with him Kurt regretted his words.

But then his husband surprised him and said, “We should call Doctor Martin and at least look at the genetic donor database.”

“Really?” Kurt asked, feeling breathless.

“I want you happy,” Blaine vowed. “No matter what the cost.” And Kurt was too thrilled, too overjoyed to consider what that cost might be.

***

“Okay,” Kurt admitted a bit shyly, glancing across the kitchen at Blaine as his husband struggled with the juicer, “I have to say, this is all kinds of fun.” He was perched at the bar, laptop open in front of him as he scanned the donor database. “Far more than I expected.”

“I’m glad someone is having fun.” Blaine gave a grunt of annoyance as he plucked an orange up and several more went rolling away. “I’m also glad we decided this would be a completely productive way for us to spend our Sunday morning. A Sunday morning we could be spending doing something practical, instead.”

One of the oranges rolled Kurt’s way and he tossed it back. “I consider this very productive, Blaine. I’m essentially picking out our future baby. Think about it. It’s exciting. How many people get to craft the kind of baby they want? Most people just get stuck with the luck of the draw. I mean, for all we know if we’d been able to have children together, you could have some horribly ugly recessive gene in you somewhere. We could have ended up with a very ugly baby.” Kurt added seriously, “I would have loved it all the same.”

Blaine laughed loudly and Kurt joined in as he said, “Of course, Kurt. I would be the one to carry the recessive gene.”

“You laugh,” Kurt said as he jabbed a finger at him, “but you’ve seen my family’s photo albums. We’re all very good looking. Your mother, however, looks the way she does because of her monthly botox injections.”

Blaine shrugged. “Fair point. But I don’t think you’re supposed to be having as much fun with it as you are. It’s not like window shopping.”

Kurt hummed and nodded. “You’re right. But I can’t help being excited. Now, get back to juicing.”

Blaine fed another orange through the machine. “I could just go around the corner and get you a bottle of OJ. A whole jug.”

“I want fresh squeezed orange juice.” Kurt scrolled the page down. “I’m loading up on vitamins this week. It’s a high vitamin, high nutrient diet. Meat free, too. I want to be pregnant by the end of the month and I’m trying to get my body ready.”

“Kurt,” Blaine sighed out. “Don’t you think we’re rushing things a little. We just barely made the decision to take this step. We have plenty of time. And even you can admit that right now isn’t the most opportune moment. I can’t divert any more of my time from work than I already have, and your production is just ramping up. I was thinking that maybe we’d wait. Just until your musical opens, and my caseload lessens. And then we’ll have more attention to pay to a baby. And I’ll be able to take better care of you.”

“I’m not a puppy,” Kurt said a little sullenly. “I’ve never needed anyone to take care of me. I don’t think I’ll start now.”

Blaine flipped the juicer off and passed the filled glass to Kurt. “I’m talking about you being pregnant. You and I both know the high rate for miscarriage in the first trimester for men. I know you hate the word, but you’re going to be delicate for a while. I want to be able to give you my full attention. I want to make sure you’re safe. Miscarriage leads to serious complications. I can’t keep you safe if I’m too busy with work.”

A serious expression settled on Kurt’s face and he said solemnly. “I know. It’s serious. People die all the time. But I’m not just anyone Blaine. I’m strong and I’m bullheaded and there’s no way I’d go before getting to grow old with you.”

Blaine tutted. “You can’t control these things.”

“I don’t want to wait anymore.” Kurt crossed his arms and settled back on the bar stool. The glass of orange juice was untouched in front of him. “I’ve waited years and years. And we have willing donors. Hundreds of them. I want to do it now. I can skype from home during the construction period, and once I hit my second trimester I’ll be able to work light hours at the theater. Neither do I, as I told you earlier, need you to take care of me. You go right ahead and work the hours to want, Blaine.”

“Of course.” Blaine swiped at the orange juice, dumping it down the sink. “You don’t need me to make the baby, so why would you need me to help with it?”

“Blaine!” Kurt closed the laptop.

“What do you want me to say?” Blaine asked. “It’s the truth, right?”

Frustrated, Kurt told him, “I know all I’ve talked about for what seems like forever is how badly I want a baby. But maybe I’ve neglected to tell you that the reason I want this baby so badly is because I love you, and I think a baby is the next step for us. The right step. It’s right for us, not just for me. And I wouldn’t want a baby so badly if I didn’t think that. And I thought we agreed that getting a genetic donor doesn’t make you any less the father.”

“You seem convinced of that,” Blaine mumbled. “You’ve said it enough.”

“Because it’s how I feel. And it’s how I want you to feel. And maybe I don’t need your genetic material, but it’s not from a lack of want. But I most certainly want you to help me raise our child. I need you to be there for us. Like you should be.”

Blaine pursed his lips, then offered, “Are you sure you don’t want to wait? Just a little bit?”

“I’ll have another show after this,” Kurt said bluntly. “And another and another. The same goes for you, Blaine. You’ll have another case, and then fifteen more waiting for you attention. We’re never going to have he time unless we make it, and that’s the truth of it. So why wait? Why not make the time?”

“And there’s no talking you into waiting?”

“No.” Kurt shook his head. “Not with everything so close. I can’t. So either get on board and support me here, or shut up and make me another orange juice.”

Less than pleased, Blaine dragged the juicer back over. “You going to waste another one?”

“Wasn’t me who threw it out,” Kurt said, voice jumping an octave.

He popped open the laptop as Blaine said, “At this rate I’m going to need to go buy another bag of oranges. And they’re out of season.”

Kurt scoffed. “You like expensive things, Blaine. It’ the snob in you.”

“Real mature.”

The juice was back in front of Kurt before he said excitedly, “Oh, come look at this, Blaine! This guy here, he’s a violinist. He’s a musical prodigy by his profile. Can you imagine us having a baby who’s that talented?”

Blaine made himself a glass of juice, eyes flickering to the clock on the wall as he said, “Look, Kurt, being musically endowed is nice. It’s cute, even, but how about we think about the practicality of today’s society.”

“Like?” Kurt arched an eyebrow.

“Start filtering by IQ points.”

Kurt made a face. “So my baby can be smarter than me?”

“No,” Blaine countered, “so it’ll have a better chance of avoiding a learning disability, and a good shot at making it to college. Maybe even graduating first in the class.”

Kurt hated the idea that intelligence was marked by a number. He reminded Blaine, “I know you’re very proud that you’re a NYU boy, and that you graduated with honors, and that you’re smarter than almost everyone you know. But I’m not stupid and I didn’t go to college.”

“You went to fashion school.” Blaine leaned across the bar to kiss Kurt. “That counts, sweetheart.”

“Then,” Kurt drawled, “as long as the baby gets some after high school higher education, you agree to be satisfied?” But was that fair, either? Finn hadn’t gone to college, he’d joined the Army almost outright, and Finn was far from stupid. He’d never been gifted in school, and never taken any of the more challenging classes, but he was intelligent all in his own way. Kurt never would have called him stupid, maybe just a little dense at times. Intelligence wasn’t a number and Kurt didn’t think it could be so easily quantified.

Blaine grimaced. “How about we discuss that farther down the line.”

That was good enough for Kurt, and it resolved an issue that Kurt hadn’t know was waiting to happen.

“There is a section on here of MENSA donors.” Kurt glanced to Blaine. “You have to practically be a genius to get into MENSA, right? What do you think about this guy? He’s got brown hair like me, hazel eyes like you, a pretty high IQ and he put down that he … oh … never mind.”

“Hm?”

“Card carrying member of the NRA.”

Blaine reeled back a little. “Does it really say that on there?”

Kurt laughed as he pointed at the screen. “I think he wants people to know that he’s very patriotic. I love my country as much as the next guy, but I would prefer it if our little guy didn’t come out gun toting and a second amendment fanatic.”

“Just a preference.” Once more, Blaine looked to the clock. Kurt tried to pretend he hadn’t seen it.

“I’ve got an artist here, too,” Kurt said, moving on to the next profile. “A sculptor. Aren’t artist more likely to be intelligent? The arts and exposure to a person significantly impacts an IQ.”

Blaine set the juicer in the sink and rounded the bar, dropping a kiss to Kurt’s fringe. “Look, sweetheart. I know you’re really getting into this. You’re excited, and I guess you should be. That’s fine. But it doesn’t really matter to me. So you just pick the one you like the best.”

Kurt frowned deeply. “You don’t care what our future child looks like? Or has a history of?

“Not really,” Blaine shrugged. “The agency prescreens for health issues, yes?”

“Yes,” Kurt agreed. “They only accept donors who are completely healthy for chronic diseases, haven’t had cancer or any other major illnesses, and don’t have a family history of heart disease, stroke, or other issues. In factor Doctor Martin told me that they have the most stringent rules possible.”

“Then I don’t care.” Blaine flipped the water on. “If the baby is healthy, I don’t really care. You figure out the details, Kurt. You’re always good at that.”

Knowingly, Kurt asked, “Need to get to the office?” It was supposed to be their day, at least for the first half. Kurt had made Blaine promise that it was going to be their time for picking out their donor. But Blaine seemed severely less than interested. Kurt hadn’t really expected anything else.

“The Monroe case,” Blaine said by way of excuse. “I just started it. It would be great if I could get a leg up on everyone else and get some work done on it today. And you don’t really need me here to help you chose.”

The lump was back in Kurt’s throat. “I was hoping you’d want to be here.”

Blaine moved back to Kurt’s side and looked down at the laptop. There were no pictures for the donors, and no names, only information. He asked Kurt, “Are there any lawyers on there?”

Kurt did a quick search. “Three. One human rights lawyer, and two in corporate law. Oh. I missed one. An attorney, too.”

A little cheekily, Blaine suggested, “Let’s go with him, then. I like attorneys.”

“He’s a ginger,” Kurt deadpanned, looking ghastly. “Bright red hair, Blaine. I would like this baby to actually resemble us.” He paused, then said, “There are a couple of donors who have acting listened as a profession. Maybe I want the baby to take after me, instead.”

Blaine drifted towards their open bedroom and called back, “If that’s what you want, Kurt.”

Quietly, Kurt mumbled, “I want it to be what we want.”

“I just want you happy,” Blaine said, emerging back into the main area of the apartment with his briefcase in hand. “Like I said, a healthy baby is all I’m worried about. You pick all the traits you like. I’m going to run to the office. I think you have things covered here. We’ll talk later tonight about who you picked.”

“I can’t pick today.” Kurt seemed affronted. “This is our future child, Blaine. This is a major decision, maybe the only time we’re ever going to make it in our lives. We have to be sure. I need to be sure.”

“I though you didn’t want to wait,” Blaine said teasingly.

“Now you’re being facetious.”

“Habit.” Blaine leaned over for a goodbye kiss and Kurt met him. Then Blaine suggested, “Why don’t you call Mercedes up? Get her over here to help you. Sometimes I think you married her, and not me. Or how about Tina.? I know Mike asked her not to work during her pregnancy due to the complications last time. I bet she’s climbing the walls. This is your day off, Kurt. Enjoy it.”

“Not a bad idea,” Kurt admitted. “Maybe I will. What time do you think you’re going to be back from work?”

“Hopefully?” Blaine slid his watch on. “Before the sun sets. It depends if I can wrangle Sebastian up to help me.”

Kurt was certain the annoyance showed on his face.

“I know you hate him, Kurt,” Blaine chuckled, “but just remember, the only reason he hates you is because I love you. He hates not getting what he wants. Almost as much as he hates being second best.”

“I’m going to run him over with my car,” Kurt promised sweetly. “Then I’ll just calmly explain the situation to the judge and no jury within three states will convict me.”

“You might be safer going with accidental manslaughter.” Blaine looked at him so fondly that Kurt almost thought everything was perfect between them.

Kurt admitted, “But I hate lying. And I think if I did lose it and mow him down, I’d probably want everyone to know it was intentional. Plus, I’m not worried. I know some of the best lawyers in the S\state, and certainly the best attorney in the city.”

“I’ll see you later,” Blaine promised with a grin. “And I’ll try not to give you a reason to cause bodily harm to anyone.”

Kurt offered him a small wave, and then when he was gone he looked back to the laptop. Then he paused and reached for the phone instead.

Mercedes was there just under and hour later, Mason hitched up on her hip and a bag slung over her shoulder. “Hey,” she said, a little frazzled as Mason wiggled.

“Put me down!” he demanded, back arched as he tried to pull away from his mother.

“Mason,” Kurt said, plucking him out of Mercedes’ grasp and settling him onto his own hip. “What’s with you wiggling like you have ants in your pants? You want down?”

Tiny fingers curled into Kurt’s collar as Mason nodded.

“And the second I put him down,” Mercedes explained, kissing Kurt’s cheek, “he’s halfway down the block and making serious time. I’ve been telling Sam I’m going to sign Mason up for some kind of children’s marathon the next time I get the chance. Or maybe we’ll skip right to the New York City marathon. He’d probably beat everyone.”

Mason proudly declared, “I’m The Flash!”

“The Flash?” Slowly Kurt settled him down onto the floor. “Who’s that?”

Mercedes rolled her eyes. “Some comic book character Sam’s been reading to him. Apparently he wears red spandex, has a mouth on him, and is very fast. It’s nice to see my son has high aspirations in life.”

“Varoom!” Mason took off, streaking through the apartment on his way to the place he knew Kurt kept some of his old toys.

Mercedes took a seat on the sofa and asked, “So what was so important that you needed me over here as soon as possible? And sorry about bringing Mason, but Sam’s down at a Temp office, trying to see if he can find anything there.”

Kurt waved his hand. “You know Mason is always welcome here. And as for why I want you here now, we’re just waiting for--”

The doorbell chimed and Mercedes offered, “Waiting for someone with impeccable timing?”

“Apparently,” Kurt grinned.

“Get out of my way!” Tina commanded as Kurt opened the door. She held one hand across her stomach and used the other one to barrel into Kurt, sending him stepping to the side. “I’m nauseous, my feet hurt, I have a headache, it feels like it’s a million degrees in here, I had three small children all wanting and needing things this morning, and a husband who thought that I was going to tell him I was going into premature labor every time I opened my mouth. Six months early.” She paused, brushing hair out of her eyes and said fondly, “So thank you for getting me out of that madness.”

Kurt kissed her chastely. “Anything for one of my best girls.”

Mercedes called loudly from the couch, “Get over here girl and get off your feet, before your husband starts calling because he can sense you’ve been up too long.”

“Right,” she huffed, and made her way over.

Kurt clasped his hands in front of them and said, “Ladies, I’ve called you both over here because I’m in desperate need of your expert opinions. You’re both married to fine, upstanding gentlemen and have wonderful children with them.”

“A few too many,” Tina giggled.

“And,” Kurt continued, “the time has come for my husband and I to have our own child.” He brought the laptop over to them and set it between them. “So help me pick it out.”

Mercedes leaned forward. “You told me that Blaine had agreed to use a donor, but you didn’t tell me that you were picking it out from a laptop.”

Kurt gestured across the room. “There’s an app. I can get my tablet if you want.”

Tina snorted. “There’s an app.”

Kurt served them all refreshments and squeezed into the middle of them, saying, “I’m sure that I want a baby that looks at least similar to myself or Blaine. Caucasian, with brown hair and hazel eyes preferably. And in fact that seems to be the most common in the donors, but it’s the other things that I can’t decide on.”

Tina leaned forward as she scrolled down the page. “This would be easier if there were pictures. Then you could just pick out the most handsome one.”

“These donors,” Kurt explained, “are the ones that expressed a need for absolute anonymity. And that’s what Blaine and I want, too. It’s only their genetic material that we want. Nothing else. I don’t want to be out a few years from now and accidentally run into my donor. They want everything to be kept secret, and so do we.”

Tina inquired, “Then this is a local database?”

“East coast.” Kurt shrugged. “Doctor Martin didn’t want to overload us. There’s a national database we can go through if we don’t find anything that we like with what we have now.”

Mercedes cleared her throat. “So then, Kurt, it begs the question why we’re here, and not your husband. Both Tina and I are flattered that you’d want us to help, but shouldn’t Blaine be doing with this you? It’s not going to be our baby.”

He couldn’t tell them that Blaine wanted nothing to do with the baby. Or at least the choosing of it.

Instead, Kurt said, “Blaine told me he doesn’t really have a preference. He wants a healthy baby. Anything more than that and he said he just can’t pick. I guess, if he leaves it up to me, it’ll be like nature at work for him. He won’t know what he’s getting just like everyone else.”

Mercedes made a face at him which Kurt avoided.

“What about this one?” Tina angled the laptop towards Kurt. “Hello gorgeous.”

Kurt read aloud, “Well over six feet tall, blond hair, blue eyes, and it says he works in personal security. Great. So I pick him and Blaine and I end up with a baby who not only towers over us, and looks nothing like us, but also is predisposed to be a daredevil.” He made a point to say, “That’s the kind of thing I want you guys to help me weed out. How about we try and find some nice librarians. Or how about a teacher?”

“Or how about a professional sky diver? That’s this one here down at the bottom.”

“Not like him,” Kurt said.

Mercedes insisted, “You need s a fun kid, Kurt. Not a stuffy one. You and Blaine are pretty vanilla. Come on, face the truth. So you need a kid who puts a little pep in your step.”

“Blaine hasn’t had pep since his high school days. The way I hear it from his old friends, he was actually fun back then.” Kurt laughed. “He was already boring by the time I met him and he was in college and already working for his firm as an intern.”

Tina stared intensely at the screen and Mercedes noticed, asking, “Did you find one you like?”

With a small hum, Tina asked Kurt, “Exactly where do you draw the line at that daredevil requirement?”

“Why?” Kurt leaned over to see which entry she was reading.

“It says here,” Tina read aloud, “that this one, he’s a firefighter. I mean, he goes into burning buildings, but he also does it for a good reason. And before that it says he was an on site paramedic with the fire department.”

Interested, Kurt said, “So he’s heroic? And selfless? Those are good qualities to have. What did he list as he interests?”

Tina said, “Oh, you’re going to love this, Kurt. He’s a regular connoisseur gentleman. Number four sixty-two would like you to know that in his free time he likes to go on jogs, and volunteer at the local shelter. He’s also involved in charity work.”

“So,” Kurt eased out. “He’s a perfect human being?”

“He also likes sports and social drinking.”

Kurt stilled for a moment, then said, “I can deal with that, actually.”

“No, wait,” Mercedes interrupted, pushing Kurt a little as she tried to get a better look at the laptop. “He’s got a flag here, see? His profile is flagged. But I can’t read the small print. What’s the problem?”

Even Kurt had to squint to read out, “It says here his uncle suffered a heart attack and died. There’s no history of it in his family, but they have to say it on here.”

“Is that a disqualifier?” Mercedes asked. “Because this guy sounds pretty amazing.”

Tina nodded enthusiastically. “He’s also college educated. Bonus points?”

“Mayor bonus points,” Kurt admitted.

There was a pause of uncertainty that hung in the hair around them, and the only sounds filtering through the apartment were those of Mason in the back room, playing with some of his toys.

“Then …” Kurt watched Mercedes and Tina communicate slowly between them before Mercedes asked, “What’s the problem? Are you deciding on him?”

“Or,” Tina offered, “There are still a couple hundred guys on the list. We could look at them, too.”

Kurt tapped his foot idly and looked back at four sixty-two’s information. He did sound like the perfect package. Kurt would have preferred to find someone without the warning, but people died of heart attacks all the time, and there was no sign that it ran in the donor’s family. Plus, the donor’s stats listed him as only a little taller than Kurt, which was still higher than he wanted, but with brown hair and brown eyes, that more than made up for it.

“Kurt?”

Kurt sighed. “He’s perfect.”

“Then he’s the one?” Mercedes asked.

Tina said, “You don’t look like he’s the one.”

Kurt admitted to them, “I told Blaine I wouldn’t be able to pick out a donor for us in one day. I told him this is huge, and it’s not a decision to be taken lightly or made easily. But this one sounds perfect. He has the qualities I wanted, and the physical appearance I need, and he sounds like the package deal. I guess … maybe a part of me feels like I found him too easily. This isn’t supposed to be easy, so how did I find him in less than five minutes?”

Tina scoffed. “If you’ll recall, I found him.”

Mercedes rolled her eyes as Kurt said, “You know what I mean.”

“Kurt.” Mercedes hugged an arm around his shoulders and she let her head tip down gently against his. “Some things in life and meant to be.”

“I don’t believe in fate.”

“You don’t have to believe in something for it to be real.” She kissed his temple and said, “I’m not talking about religion, either. I’m only saying that some things are meant to be. And maybe you were meant to come across four sixty-two. And if you were meant to, it’s because he’s the right choice for you. Because he’s the perfect choice. So just go with your gut. If your gut says pick him, then that’s what you do. And if you want to keep looking, then Tina and I are right here for you as long as you need us.”

“But you better feed us,” Tina piped up.

A little sourly, Mercedes commented, “You’re always hungry.”

“I’m eating for two,” Tina said flatly.

Kurt closed the laptop and stood, saying, “I’m going with four sixty-two. I’ll run it by Blaine, but I think it’s him. It feels right. And come on Tina, I’ll order us some lunch for later on.”

Pleased, Tina tapped her stomach and said, “You’re the best, Kurt. I’m naming this one after you.”

Kurt’s eyes narrowed a little as he said, “You’ve had three girls so far. This one is probably a girl, too. And I’m not sure if naming her after me would be the bigger insult to me or the baby.”

Tina shrugged. “If it’s another girl I’ll name her … Kurtanna.”

Mercedes burst out laughing as Kurt pleaded, “Please don’t. I don’t want the baby to hate me forever.”

Tina beamed as she said, “We’ll come up with something. But I really do hope it’s a boy. I’m tried to being pregnant. I don’t want to do it again.”

Mercedes seemed to take no notice of what Tina had said, but it made Kurt pause and wonder about the story behind the statement. Was Mike unhappy with all daughters? Or was it Tina? It seemed like Tina didn’t want to have any more, but maybe she was being pressured. Did Mike want sons? Was he pushing for Tina to have one? The whole idea made Kurt sick, and he hoped he was reading too much into it.

But then it made him wonder. He and Blaine hadn’t talked about gender at all. What if they had a daughter and Blaine wanted a son? Or if they had a son and all Blaine wanted was a little girl to spoil and treat like a princess. Did he had a preference? With Blaine and the subject of babies it was hard to pry three words out of him. And now Kurt felt like there was something they needed to talk about, and he wondered what else they were missing.

Kurt startled a little as Mercedes broke him out of his thoughts. She reminded, “You could always find out.”

Kurt wondered if he’d want to find out when he was pregnant.

“Kurt?”

He looked over to his girls with a fond smile. “Yes?”

Mercedes took his face between her hands kindly. “You’re going to be a father.”

His face split into a smile that felt so wide it hurt. “I’m going to be a father.”

He felt Tina’s soft hand between his shoulder blades. She assured, “You’re going to be a great father.”

“And the both of you are going to be aunts, right?”

In fact, Kurt had a feeling that a Hummel-Anderson baby had been anticipated by so many people for so long that there were going to be people lined up around the corner to be aunts and uncles. But for Kurt, the people who mattered the most were standing in front of him. Mercedes had made him godfather to her son, and his legal guardian if anything happened to her or Sam. And Tina had made him an uncle to each and every one of her girls, probably including the one she carried now. He had to return the favor, and he wanted to.

“This calls for a celebration,” Mercedes demanded. “We shouldn’t be ordering in, we need to go out.”

“I’ll get my coat,” Tina said, already heading towards the coat wrack.

“I’ll get the kid.” Mercedes took off towards Mason.

Kurt let his hands slide into his jean pockets and smiled. He had his donor. He had someone who was heroic and brave. He had someone who’d look at least a bit like himself and Blaine, and who had all the potential in the world. It was a good feeling.

“You in there, Kurt?” Mercedes’ hand waved in font of his face, Mason mimicking her playfully.

“Yeah.” He gave her a strong nod. “Just thinking about the future.”

And how amazing would it be to get all of the kids together? Some of them would be more apart in age than others, but there’d be Tina’s girls, and Mason, and Santana’s daughter and maybe even Finn’s, along with Kurt’s baby. It would be amazing to see.

“I’m starving!” Tina announced loudly.

Mason cried out, “Pizza!”

This time it was a good lump in Kurt’s throat when he knew for a fact, without any doubt in his mind, than in less than a month he’d be pregnant. And then things would have to change. Blaine would have to be more interested. And they’d finally have the family that Kurt knew they were supposed to. Everything would be perfect.

***

Kurt went into the clinic on a Thursday to get pregnant, after spending the morning rushing through his duties at the theater, and probably leaving too heavy a work load on Rory’s very anxious hands. Kurt was filled with jitters and a thousand new worries he’d thought up over the past few days, but also a sense of excitement in his stomach that had made getting lunch down difficult. In fact he hadn’t managed at all.

But Blaine was there with him, holding his left hand, not at work and not thinking about it, and certainly giving his full attention to the fact that they were about to become fathers. The thought was still amazing.

However, before they were even allowed near the back rooms Kurt and Blaine were led to a small office area where a pretty, fairly young girl presented them each with a stack of papers to sign.

Blaine riffled through them suspiciously and Kurt explained with a happy tone, “He’s an attorney.”

She didn’t seem bothered in the least. “No problem. Take all the time you want, because you should be absolutely sure before signing.”

“It’s the privacy agreement, right?” Kurt asked, but he was already skimming the first paper, taking in the words he already knew. “Blaine and I already signed one, when we made our final payment to Doctor Martin’s office.”

The woman explained, “That was to protect Doctor Martin from any legal ramifications. These documents are to protect your donor.”

“To protect our donor?” Kurt asked, confused and a little hurt. “From us?”

Blaine supplied, already on the third page, “From fatherhood, Kurt. The donor doesn’t want to be a father. It’s to stop you from trying to track him down at any point and pin him with any form of child support or accountability. These papers assure him that he has no legal rights to the child, and neither do we have the right to ask of him anything concerning the child.”

Kurt couldn’t even pick up the pen to sign as he defended, “I’m not asking the donor to be a father. I don’t want him to be a father. Blaine and I are the baby’s parents. I don’t … I’m just not sure--”

“Mr. Hummel,” the woman across from him said gently, “Our donors are often affluent people, and even when they’re not, they respect privacy above most things. For whatever reasons that are his own, he doesn’t wish to be a father. But neither does he want to deny someone else the privilege of it. And so our donors place faith in us that we will protect them from our couples. Your donor opted for complete anonymity, and so did you and your husband, if I’ve read your file correctly. Under that knowledge, signing shouldn’t be terribly difficult for you.” She prodded gently, “We can’t move forward unless the papers are signed. If you need more time to think about this, or maybe change your mind about the type of donor you’d like to have, or your relationship with him, we can schedule another appointment.”

“No. No.” Kurt shook his head a little frantically, composing himself when he realized it. “I want to do this today. And the donor is perfect. I don’t want any support from him, and I don’t even need to know his name.” Kurt signed his name with a flourish and then looked over to Blaine. “We’re the parents, right? Not our donor.”

Blaine took a bit longer to sign his copy, reading over everything twice before he was ready. He said, “If you’re ready, then we can do it now.”

Kurt leaned over to give him a peck, blushing at the way the woman smiled.

They only had to wait a bit after that, then they were led into a very pristine, but very homely looking patient room. Blaine took the seat to the side and Kurt hopped up on the examination table.

“Nervous?” Blaine asked with a smile, watching Kurt’s feet swing around.

“Still doesn’t feel real,” Kurt confessed, feeling goofy and thrilled as met his husband’s smile.

“Well,” Blaine assured, “in a couple of hours it will be.”

Doctor Martin was prompt and he saw to them quickly, broaching, “Big day, gentlemen.”

“Biggest of my life,” Kurt proclaimed.

The procedure was mildly invasive and Kurt listened intently as Doctor Martin explained exactly what he would do, and how long it would take. He spoke in way that Kurt could understand, and it made him less nervous.

“Now,” Doctor Martin said, wheeling his chair over to Kurt, clipboard in hand, “you settled on multiple implantation, correct? This is still the route you want to go?”

Kurt nodded firmly. “I thought about my options a lot when we talked, and I don’t want to do this again. I’m not sure my nerves can handle it.”

The doctor cracked a smile. “You’re not the first to say that to me.

“Wait,” Blaine cut in, standing as he spoke. “Multiple implantation?”

“Yes,” Kurt said slowly.

“And what is that?”

Kurt tried not to get worked up. Blaine was busy all the time. His work was important. And in all honesty, he made the bulk of their income. He made the real money between the two of them, and without his work, they would have never been able to afford the donor or the procedure. “Blaine. Don’t you remember a few days ago I had a meeting scheduled with Doctor Martin? You wanted to come but you had to be in court.” Blaine hadn’t said he wanted to come at all, but that wasn’t important.

Slowly, Blaine asked, “This is what you talked about.”

“If I may?” Doctor Martin gestured for Blaine to sit again. “I explained to Kurt that there were two ways we could go about this. We could try a singular implantation. A one time deal, if you will. Obviously there’s no chance of multiples, which could endanger Kurt’s life, but there’s also less of a chance of the body rejecting the implantation. Typically couples or individuals who choose this option have to come and see me several times before they’re successful in conceiving.”

“And,” Kurt repeated, “I don’t want to do this again. No offense intended, Doctor Martin, you’ve been wonderful, but this is the last I want to see of this clinic. It’s the last I want to see of a specialist. It want to be pregnant and move on with my life.”

Blaine wondered, “The other option? The one Kurt chose, how is it different?”

“We implant three or four times in one go,” Doctor Martin told him. “And we hope that at least one takes. There’s a much greater percentage of couples who conceive after this option, but so is the number of those who carry multiples. And I don’t think I need to remind you that in men, the first trimester is a particularly volatile and dangerous. Multiples only enhance that. There is a larger miscarriage rate for multiples in men within the first trimester, and a greater risk to Kurt’s life if he does.”

Blaine turned to Kurt. “You didn’t think you should mention this to me? You didn’t think it was worth talking about?”

“I did tell you,” Kurt said a little grumpy. “You just weren’t listening.”

Blaine stood once more and it didn’t look like he’d be sitting again anytime soon. He declared, “I don’t want anything that unnecessarily endangers Kurt’s life. I don’t care if we have to come back here a million times. I don’t want him getting pregnant with multiples. Even twins.”

Kurt rallied himself for a fight. “I told you, I don’t want to come back here even a second time.”

“And I don’t want to lose you.” Blaine looked half panicked and half like he might cry. It was startling.

Doctor Martin said, “When Kurt goes in for his after conception appointment, if we were to discover multiples, there is always the option for selective termination.”

“No,” Kurt breathed out, feeling sick and heartbroken just at the mere idea of killing one of his babies. “I could never. I would never.”

“Not even to save your own life? Or the life of the other children you might be carrying?” Doctor Martin asked curiously.

“No,” Kurt said emphatically. “Never.”

Blaine settled a hand on Kurt’s shoulder and said, “I don’t like this option. I don’t like it and I want us to pick the other one. We’re not ready for more than one baby, we couldn’t handle two or more, and I couldn’t handle not having you with me because of an accident.”

Softly, Kurt said, “Not all implantations end in multiples, Blaine. Not even with the drug cocktail I’ve been on. I asked Doctor Martin. Statistically, we’re probably only going to get one baby out of this. We’ll be lucky to get a baby. Even some couples who do this, don’t have any luck. I’m certainly not saying it couldn’t happen, but what I am saying is also that some people carry twins or even triplets to term and everyone is perfectly healthy. And didn’t we already talk about how stubborn I am?”

“Very stubborn,” Blaine had to agree. “But it’s not worth risking your life over. Kurt. We can’t. And you can’t ask me to let you. Either we do a singular implantation or I’m not ready to support you.”

It was odd that Kurt hadn’t realized until that moment how much he needed Blaine’s support. He wasn’t sure he could do it without that support.

Kurt posed, “What if we do the singular implantation and I don’t get pregnant? What then? We do it again? We spend all the money and time to get on this emotional roller coaster again?”

“It’s not about the money,” Blaine said fiercely, maybe even angrily. “It’s about what’s safest for you. No matter how much you try and put a baby before yourself Kurt, even one who isn’t here yet, I’m going to put you first.”

“And if we go a second time? And a third? What about a fourth or fifth? How many times do we keep trying and putting all our faith in one thing? How long do you think I can do that before I lose my sanity?”

Blaine’s chest heaved in a deep breath and Kurt held his own, unsure what his husband would say. And even more unsure if their journey was being put on hold.

And finally, with Doctor Martin waiting silently, Blaine relented and said, “Give me my way this time. And if it doesn’t work, we try a second time with the singular implantation. But if that … Kurt, if that second time doesn’t hold, we’ll do it your way. We’ll do whatever you want and I won’t say a thing or make a fuss.”

Kurt caught the back of Blaine’s hand. “Really? You promise?”

Resigned, Blaine nodded. “I promise. But it could work this time. You keep telling me how fertile you are. I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re never coming back here again, just like you wanted.”

Hopeful, Kurt asked Doctor Martin, “Is it too late to switch from a multiple to a singular?”

Doctor Martin shook his head and gathered himself up. “I’ll make the necessary adjustments. You gentlemen wait here. And in the meantime, Kurt, if you’ll get undressed and into your smock, I’ll have the nurse come prep you.”

When Doctor Martin was out of the room Kurt pulled Blaine down into a firm kiss and whispered to him, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Blaine returned. “And you’re going to make a great father.”

Kurt hummed happily, already thinking of it.

So Kurt had the singular implantation, and less than two weeks later a blood test. Doctor called personally to deliver the news and Kurt cried for what felt like forever into Blaine’s shoulder when he relayed that he was pregnant.

The best part, aside from the baby naturally, was how much time and attention Blaine paid to him during the first few months of his pregnancy. With the miscarriage rate so high Kurt was reluctant to get out of bed and do much, and Blaine was just as reluctant to leave him. They spent their mornings together, lounging in bed, talking and connecting like they hadn’t in years, and then while Kurt’s afternoon fatigue set in, he slept while Blaine went to the office. Blaine was always home in time for dinner, and it was a nice change.

Working from home was a bit more difficult that Kurt had anticipated, especially as production on his clothing ended and the final fittings for the show were being made. Kurt kept nearly a steady skype stream with Rory who barely seemed like he knew how to turn the computer on, and had his team come by the apartment more than once a week. He knew Thompson was annoyed at his convalescence, but Kurt wasn’t willing to risk his baby.

Before he’d been pregnant he’d read all kinds of horror stories about men who’d slipped and fallen, or been pushed too hard, or been in car accidents and a million other things. It had taken so long to get pregnant, and his baby was absolutely so desperately wanted that Kurt didn’t think he could survive losing the baby. So maybe he was being overcautious, but he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. Not until he hit his second trimester. Not until the most danger had passed.

But for all his fears and all his worries, not to mention the nausea and fatigue and headaches, he loved being pregnant. He confided in Tina, “It’s the best feeling in the world.”

She’d only laughed and said, “Wait until your third or fourth time. Or better yet, wait until the birth.”

Kurt didn’t think there would ever be a third or fourth baby. Probably not even a second. But Kurt was thankful for the one baby that he did have. His baby would always be enough. He didn’t need more than one. But he had to say smartly to Tina, “You know I lucked out in that last department, Tina. No labor for me.”

She pinched him and reminded, “You still get labor pains, Kurt. You may not be pushing anything out, but you get the joys of contractions.”

The contractions were a warning, if anything. There would be no actual labor, and since his pregnancy had been confirmed, and it had progressed a bit, he’d had a scheduled delivery date. He wasn’t like Tina in having to worry about a natural birth. There was no option for him in that regard, and part of him was thankful.

And eventually, as Kurt waited with bated breath for any sign of miscarriage or trouble, the days turned to weeks and the week to months. On a Monday he went to see Doctor Martin’s recommended choice for him as his primary doctor for his pregnancy. She was a woman that Kurt adored almost instantly, with a thick Irish accent and encompassing almost every stereotype that Kurt had ever known. But it all sort of suited her, with her bright red hair, green eyes, pale skin, and the fact that her father owned a pub back in Boston where she was originally from. She always greeted him with a warm smile and friendly handshake that quickly morphed into a hug. It probably wasn’t professional but Kurt loved her for it. More than that, he trusted Molly O’Neil.

On that Monday she told him, “Congratulations, Kurt. You are officially four months pregnant.”

It felt like a giant weight had been lifted from his shoulders. “So I’m good?” He was ready to get back to work, and start going out again. He was also excited to start telling people he was pregnant. For the most part there were only a couple of people who actually knew, from family to friends to work. Just in case anything happened, he hadn’t wanted to tell everyone and then have to deal with their hurt on top of his own.

Now he felt like he could tell the world and wanted to.

“You’re good.” His doctor held up a sharp finger. “However, just because you’re out of your first trimester, doesn’t mean you don’t have to be careful. I’m going to give you some new guidelines that I want you and Blaine to follow.” She frowned. “Where is your ball and chain?”

Kurt laughed at the absurdity of it all. It was still hard to get used to so many months later. Blaine had never been as clingy before as he was now, even if Mercedes was always telling him it was a good thing. It was a little unnerving.

“Maybe I got tired of him,” Kurt shrugged and told her. “I have to keep my options open.”

“Do you now?” She took his blood pressure.

Kurt explained, “He’s in court. He spends about half his time in court as it is. And today the timing just didn’t work out. I’m sure he’ll be back to pester me about getting off my feet sooner, rather than later.”

He’d always thought it was what he wanted, to be coddled a bit by Blaine, just a little bit. But there had been something nagging at him over the past few months, something he wasn’t ready to admit, and that he knew would be nothing but a fight when he did. And it was almost enough to make him regret getting pregnant knowing what he did.

“Kurt?”

“Sorry.” Kurt startled. “New guidelines?”

Doctor O’Neil put a comforting hand on his arm. “I know you’re excited to get out there, but you’re still going to have to be careful. I want you to keep to a diet, and have an hour of light exercising a day, at least until your last couple months. I also don’t want you at work for twelve hours a day like I know you want to be, or will try to be. You have an assistant, Kurt. Use him.”

“Rory?” Kurt couldn’t help rolling his eyes. “He’s liable to burn the place down with a single, clutzy move. I took him on as my assistant as a favor to a friend, but he’s not really suited for the business.”

“Then get a new one.”

Kurt had to argue, “The production opens in under a month. This I the last push. I have to be at work every day.”

The doctor crossed her arms. “You’ll work a single eight hours shift Monday through Thursday and a six hours shift on Friday. You won’t work weekends, and you will get yourself a new assistant. Otherwise I’ll put you on bed rest.”

Kurt’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t dare.”

She leaned forward. “Try me.”

After a moment of pursed lips, Kurt said, “Give me half days on Saturday and you have a deal. At least of the next three weeks, until the show opens.”

She didn’t look like she was going to relent at all, but then she nodded slowly. “Alright. You strike a hard bargain, Mr. Hummel, but I think we have a deal.”

She explained to him a bit more on what activities he could do and couldn’t, and sent him on his way with a whole new list of prescriptions to be filled at the pharmacy.

But mostly what was on Kurt’s mind was Rory’s replacement. He had an idea who he wanted, and who’d be ideal, and the only thing to do was convince him.

Later on that day Sam leveled with him and asked frankly, “You want me to what?”

They were eating outside on a bistro’s terrace and it was probably the first time Kurt had been out to eat with a friend since becoming pregnant. It was nice to soak in the sun, enjoy the rapidly warming weather, and tap his fingers gently against his stomach. He couldn’t wait to feel his baby move for the first time.

“I need a new assistant,” Kurt explained.

“You have an assistant.”

Kurt scoffed. “I have Rory. He’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not assistant material. I need someone who can move fast, without tripping over their feet, and be trusted with making decisions on their own. I need a problem solver and someone who understands my taste level and what I like, and won’t drop the ball when I need him the most. You’re a good fit, Sam. And you still need the work, don’t you?”

There was a slight hue to Sam’s face as he was forced to admit, “I found temp work for a while, but not anymore.”

“Then you need the work.”

“But an assistant?”

Kurt traced the rim of his water glass with his finger. “I know it’s not the field you want to be in, but the fact remains, this is New York, and theater is a huge part of the city. If you have this on your resume, it could help you get a better paying job down the line. I know how badly you want to support your family, Sam. So should it matter if you have any particular interest in the job at hand? In September Mason’s tuition is due.”

Grouchily, Sam snapped, “Stop trying to guilt me into taking your job.”

“Sam. I’m not.” He took a loud breath and curled his fingers across his stomach. “I’m a father now, Sam. Or I’m going to be. And there’s this sudden, weird urge in me to do everything in my power to give my baby everything it needs. There isn’t anything I won’t do for it. Absolutely nothing. And I’m pretty sure that’s a fatherly thing. So you must be feeling it too. I’m not trying to guilt you. I’m just telling you things you already know, and want for Mason.”

“But Mercedes took the job and went on tour a few days ago,” Sam reminded. “We have tuition covered this semester.”

“And the next?”

Sam was silent.

Kurt stoked the material over his stomach lightly and added, “This isn’t pity, Sam. This isn’t a handout. This is me needed a good, competent assistant to help me get through this pregnancy healthy and happy. I trust you, and that’s what I can say for almost everyone who’ll apply for the job. I know I can give you the theater credit card and you’ll only charge what we need. I know I can send you out on your own and rely on you without having to question where you are or what you’re doing. That’s something you can’t buy, Sam. It can’t be manufactured or replicated easily.”

Once more, Sam said, “If I did take the job, and that’s a big if, like I said earlier, Mercedes is out of town. She won’t be back for months. I have to be there in the morning to get Mason up, and his daycare program only lasts until two in the afternoon. I have to be there to get him after, and to make dinner, and spend time with him. How flexible of hours can you give me?”

It was Sam’s predicament, but Kurt couldn’t help thinking about how it would be him in a year’s time, when the baby was old enough for Kurt to go completely back to work fulltime, and suddenly there would be a balancing act they’d all have to do. Kurt wondered how much of his work Blaine would be willing to sacrifice, if any, and in turn how much that would mean Kurt would have to give up. As much as he loved his baby and wanted his baby, Kurt couldn’t leave his job. He wouldn’t. He would have to find a way to make it work, even if it meant asking for help from his friends.

“I’ll need you mostly in the morning,” Kurt said, relieved that it might work out. “And I can have you out by two, if you have to go. But you may need to be on call. And when production starts you’ll have to come down to the theater. You can bring Mason, if you want. There’s plenty to distract him, and anything that annoys Thompson is a bonus.”

“Not a fan of kids?”

Kurt deadpanned. “I don’t think he ever was one, either.”

With a wince, Sam asked, “Do you really need me?”

Kurt poked his stomach a bit. “My doctor says that the baby is out of the danger zone. I’m in my second trimester. But it doesn’t mean I get to go as hard as I want. I have to pace myself and I have to get help. I can’t go back to work fulltime unless I have an assistant I can rely on. So yes, Sam, I guess I am guilt tripping you. But it’s because I need the help and you need the work. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Sam seemed to consider his words for a moment and then asked, “When do you think you’d need me to start?”

“Tomorrow?” Kurt offered weakly.

“Not wasting any time, are you?” Sam laughed. “Alright. We’ll consider it equal favors to each other. Yes?”

“Thank you.” Kurt wanted to lean across the table and kiss him he was so thankful. “I promise, you won’t even have to go on that many coffee runs for me. You will not be my bitch, Samuel.”

Sam snorted. “Thanks for that. And hey, aren’t you not suppose to be drinking coffee?”

A little defensive, Kurt replied, “I’m allowed to have one major serving of caffeine a day, thank you.”

“And won’t you likely be having that in the morning when you wake up? I’ve seen you without your coffee in the morning, Kurt. You’re a weapon of mass destruction.”

“Thanks, Sam.”

Sam grinned wide and took a bite of his sandwich. “I live to please.”

Afterward Kurt felt a little tired, he usually was by the afternoon, but he still made time to swing by the theater and break the news to Rory.

The Irishman looked like he wanted to cry as he asked Kurt, “Did I do that bad?”

“Oh, Rory.” Kurt assured him, “Some people just aren’t cut out for specific jobs. You’re not meant for this one. There’s too much stress. You’re going to be so much better suited for a job where you can take your time and not be so nervous all the time.”

Rory nodded morosely and said, “Alright. I appreciate your honesty, Mr. Hummel. I was just really enjoying this country. Seems a shame to leave it, no matter how much I miss my mum.”

“Leave?” Kurt asked, surprised.

“Leave,” Rory confirmed. “I only have a work visa. If I’m not working, I don’t get to stay.”

“Hm.” Kurt still couldn’t keep him, and still didn’t think that the job was a right fit for Rory. But neither did he want to see the sweet young man deported back to his country. Rory deserved to stay in the country and work hard to achieve his dreams, just like everyone else. “Do you like art, Rory?”

“Art?”

“Art. Do you like it?”

Rory shrugged. “It’s nice enough. Can’t say I have any talent, though.”

Kurt helped him over to the door and said, “I have a friend over at the Met. Sugar Motta. When I was getting my start in New York, designing clothes for everyday wear, she was one of my biggest advocates. I think I designed and made her three or four complete wardrobes in a few years. She works at the Met, and her father is one of the biggest contributors. She owes me a favor and I think she could make room for you over there. You have the necessary job experience.” He’d thought of the job first for Sam, but his friend hadn’t had anything on his resume to get him within a hundred feet of the sprawling building.

“You’d do that for me?” Rory asked, sounding like no one ever did anything for him.

“You’ve been good to me.” He promised, “I’ll make the call later today and let you know by tomorrow. Okay?”

Kurt gave a soft groan as Rory hugged him tightly, arms around Kurt’s shoulders. “Thank you!”

Kurt laughed and hugged him back.

After that there was only one place left to go. He could have waited for Blaine to get off work, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to share the good news with him right away. And after his doctors appointment, going to lunch with Sam, and his talk with Rory, he knew enough time had passed that Blaine was out of court and back at the office.

Jillian greeted him with a bright, unexpected smile and all but fell over herself trying to get to her feet. “Mr. Hummel!” She leaned forward when he drew closer and said, “You’re glowing. You look good.”

Quietly he said, “Four months today. And out of the danger zone.”

Jillian offered him a serious smile and imparted, “When I was pregnant with Lola, I was scared to death that I was going to miscarry. Even up until the day she was born. I had the fear before I was pregnant. Several of my friends had miscarriages and I was terrified it would be me. But now Santana and I have Lola, and you and Blaine have your little one. Congratulations.”

Kurt felt so pleased he could pop.

At least until he heard, “I thought you had some communicable disease, princess.”

Kurt stiffened. “You think you’d be so lucky?”

When he turned his arch nemesis, the pain in his ass, the biggest asshole Kurt had ever known the pleasure of meeting, was standing there. Sebastian had his hands in his pockets and a sly grin on his face that Kurt would have given anything to wipe off.

“Haven’t seen you around in a while. We’ve been taking bets at the office that--”

“That what?” Kurt asked, head cocking. “That Blaine had left me? Nice try. Actually, I think the polar opposite of that happened.” He wasn’t showing yet, though he wasn’t far off, but still, he could angle his hips just right and let his stomach go just enough that it was believable when he said, “I’m expecting. I’ve been resting during my first trimester, to avoid any unnecessary complications.”

“Expecting?” Sebastian blanched.

“I’m having Blaine’s baby,” Kurt said, trying not to hold it over the man he knew wanted his husband. It was still a hard pill to swallow that Sebastian and Blaine had gone to school together, both high school and college. And they’d started at the firm at almost the same time, too. Sebastian had never made any real effort to hide his interest in Blaine, or his dislike of Kurt. He was pompous and selfish and a snob, and probably everything Blaine’s mother would have liked. “I’m pregnant.” Neither did anyone ever need to know that biologically, Blaine wasn’t the father. Or at least anyone that Kurt didn’t trust.

Sebastian burst out laughing.

“What?” Kurt demanded, already feeling defensive of the baby. Sebastian could mock and hate him all he wanted, but not the baby. Not his innocent little baby.

“Oh.” Sebastian sobered, eyes on Kurt’s stomach. “You’re serious.”

“Very.” Kurt crossed his arms. “I’m four months today.”

Sebastian said, “Blaine never mentioned it.”

Part of Kurt wanted to be glad that he’d caught Sebastian so off guard, but for some reason he couldn’t quite appreciate it.

“We’ve been keeping quite about it because of the risk of miscarriage in the first trimester. I’m sure you’ll be hearing a lot more of it now. There will even be pictures. I’ll be sure to get you a copy.”

Sebastian gave him a grimace of a smile and said unenthusiastically, “I’ll look forward to it. You’re quite the little wife now, aren’t you.”

“Better than a self serving jackal.”

“With bite!” Sebastian nearly howled with laughter.

“Kurt?”

Kurt turned at the sound of his husband’s voice and Sebastian was forgotten. “Blaine.”

Blaine reached his side quickly and drew him down the hallway without a glance spared for Sebastian. “What’re you doing here?” Blaine asked, pushing Kurt gently down into his office chair when the door was closed.

“I wanted to share the good news,” Kurt said with a small frown. “I went to see Doctor O’Neil today. She told me that I’m officially in my second trimester. I’m four months. And that means we can both stop worrying so much about a miscarriage. It also means we can stop acting like I have the plague and I have to stay indoors all day long.”

Blaine’s hand caught the side of his face with care and he asked, “I know we set the second trimester as the date that we’d stop worrying so intensely, but are you sure we shouldn’t go a little longer? Just to make sure it’s safe? To make sure you’re well?”

Kurt smiled and promised, “I feel fine, Blaine. Better than fine, actually. I’m a little tired, yes, and I think I’ll still have to take naps in the afternoon, but I’m free to go back to work now, Doctor O’Neil said so. And I can pretty much resume my life.” Kurt stopped. “Why do you look like there’s no Christmas this year?”

Oh. Christmas. By Christmas they’d have a baby. Kurt would need to buy presents for an extra person. Their baby would only be a few weeks old, but it would be there for Christmas. It seemed the best gift of all.

“You work too had,” Blaine decided. “I don’t want you to … I worry …”

“I hope,” Kurt said seriously, “that you didn’t think I was going to take off from work my entire pregnancy, and some time after that. I have a show opening in three weeks, and duties that can’t be passed to anyone else.” He couldn’t help softening after that, appreciating Blaine’s concern. “But I know you worry, and I still do too. It never hurts to be cautious. So I’ve asked Sam to come on as my assistant. He’ll be able to do the bulk of the labor that I actually need accomplished in the morning, and I won’t have to move around as much, or go out. It’ll make things much easier on me. Safer.”

Blaine perched himself on the edge of his desk. “I didn’t expect you to take work off, for the record. I knew you wouldn’t.”

“I know.” Kurt leaned back, both hands on his stomach. “But if Doctor O’Neil was worried, or if she thought I needed it, I would. I’d do anything to keep this baby safe.”

Blaine leaned down to give him a firm kiss. “I’d do anything to keep you safe. So I want you to promise me that you will take it as easy as you can, and not work past a certain hour, no matter how much work needs to be done.”

“Doctor O’Neil and I already have the understanding.”

“Good. I like her more and more.” He pulled Kurt up and easily held him. “You focus too much, Kurt. You set yourself to a task and you don’t stop to take care of yourself until it’s finished. You can’t do that this time. This is your life we’re talking about here. If you miscarry, and it’s severe enough, or you don’t receive medical care fast enough, you’ll … I could lose you. It’s not something to joke about.”

Kurt’s arms settled on Blaine’s shoulders, the perfect position for their height difference. “I would never endanger our baby, Blaine.”

Blaine sighed.

The blinds to Blaine’s office were open slightly, slanted just a bit that anyone might be able to see inside if they tried. Kurt couldn’t bring himself to care, no matter how much he valued his privacy.

“We’re going to be fine,” Kurt promised. “All three of us. We’re going to be amazing. You’ll see.” He pulled himself free of Blaine’s embrace and brought his husband’s hands down to his stomach. “And in a few more weeks I’m going to show. It won’t be much as first, just a small curve before the pop, but it’ll be there, and you’ll be able to feel the baby. I promise you, it’s going to be the most amazing thing. Mercedes says Sam wasn’t able to keep his hands off her stomach when she was pregnant with Mason. I think it’ll be the same with you.”

Blaine’s hands linger for only a moment, as long as Kurt held them there. Then his husband was crossing to the other side of the room, pulling closed the blinds he must have noticed as well.

“You don’t want people to know?” Kurt questioned.

Blaine leaned back against the blinds with a kind look. “As always, Kurt, I just want you to myself.”

Kurt flung himself back into Blaine’s arms and kissed him readily. “I love you.”

“Careful!” Blaine cautioned, but hugged him back fiercely. “And I love you too.”

***

The last push to opening day was always the most frantic. It was the time that Kurt spent reworking every last detail and fighting his hardest with the set designers, and spending in excess of eight or more hours a day on his feet. Despite his agreement with his doctor, and how much of a godsend Sam was, he absolutely couldn’t go home and rest like he was supposed to. Most of his morning sickness had passed, and his feet were cooperating as of late and not swelling to epic proportions, so he fibbed a bit and told Blaine he was at home when he wasn’t. Blaine never came home to check on him, so it was an easy lie.

But it happened. Sam pulled more than his own weight, Kurt won all the important battles, and opening night was a go. Like all of his shows, the ones on Broadway, off Broadway, and even the tiny little community theater production he’d put on a decade earlier with a couple of old friends, he was proud of what he’d accomplished. Kurt Hummel never put his name on or work into something he couldn’t feel proud of.

The day before opening night, after securing tickets for Sam and Mason, Kurt cornered Blaine over dinner and asked, “You do remember what tomorrow is, right?” He fluffed the salad while Blaine popped the wine. Kurt missed wine. But he wasn’t willing to risk his baby, not even for one of his favorite things in life.

“Let’s see,” Blaine eased out, “I have the meeting with Clarke Montgomery tomorrow, that’s Wes’ younger brother, and I’ll probably yell at Frank some--we’re fighting over seniority on the Pearson case, and there’s my business lunch--”

“Blaine!”

Blaine held up a finger, asking silently for patience. “The business lunch is just that, business, so I probably won’t eat anything and I’ll be grouchy after. So, much to your dismay, I’ll probably hang out with Sebastian, because you hate him, but he actually makes me feel better.”

“Of course.”

Blaine rolled his eyes. “And then after I have this little thing, just, you know, this little thing I have to go to that this guy has been bugging me about for months now. I guess it means a lot to him so even though it’s not my thing, I’ll go. You okay with that, Kurt?”

Kurt bit back a smile. “Oh. It’s important? But it’s not your thing?”

“It’s supposed to be important,” Blaine said, trying to sound bored. “But in actuality it’s just an excuse for a bunch of people to get together and talk about how talented and awesome they are. To pat each other on the back and try to outshine each other. That’s what’s not my thing. Not the actual content.”

Kurt leaned over for a kiss, smiling into it. “I know you don’t like going to the parties before or after, but it’s just tonight, and it’s usually only once a season. I have to suffer through at last four or five of your firm parties a year, and don’t pretend like it’s not filled with people who think they’re the best thing since sliced bread.”

“I do not associate with those people,” Blaine defended, kissing Kurt again, all lips and no teeth, which took some effort from the angle they were at. “People who are worth the money that the firm spends on them, don’t need to flaunt it. That’s how I see it. And that’s how I know you feel, too, about the theater.” He sighed and curled a hand behind Kurt’s neck. “You’re amazingly talented. Anyone can sew, and anyone can draw, but you bring your sketches to life, and they’re incredible. That’s not talent, Kurt, that’s magic. And whenever we go to these premiers of yours there are a million people talking about how the show couldn’t have opened without their amazing talent or effort. And I know it drives you crazy.”

“We’re a team,” Kurt agreed. “Everyone pulls their weight or none of us makes the deadline. No one person is more important than the next, no matter what anyone thinks. And you’re right, it does get under my skin.”

Blaine kissed him again. “But I know it’s important for you to be there, and it is a little fun to get to play trophy wife for once.”

Nervously Kurt gripped his stomach and said, “It’s the first time I’ll be going out to a social event pregnant, too. Do I … is it showing?”

When he had time to lay in bed, or when he was in the bath relaxing, he could run his hand over his stomach and he thought for sure he could feel a steady slope. And certainly some of his tighter pants were getting very difficult to squeeze into. There was even a pair that had already been sent to the back of his closet for when the baby was born and the baby weight he gained was shed. But mostly when he got dressed in the morning and looked in the mirror he looked practically the same. He was almost five months and he would have thought it would be more obvious.

Doctor O’Neil had said, “Your hips are wider than most,” and had shrugged like it was fine so Kurt didn’t worry, “and it simply means that there’s a bit more room for expansion inside you. The baby can expand sideways a bit before it starts to go forward. Consider yourself lucky. When you pop, it won’t be so severe. You’ll be thankful before the end.”

Kurt was already thankful. He wasn’t looking forward to waddling around like and overstuffed penguin.

“A little,” Blaine said, turning back to the bottle. He asked, “Do you want me to meet you before the opening, back here maybe, or at the theater?”

Kurt ran a hand down his stomach once more. The curve was definitely there. And he cracked a smile immediately at the swell. That was his baby. It was his dream right there in front of him, tangible and beautiful. He took back everything he’d ever said about his worries over getting fat, and staying fat after the baby. He would give anything to have his baby healthy and in his arms by the end of the year, even the figure that he dieted and worked hard to keep a certain way.

He’d feel the baby kick before long. Tina thought it was ridiculous he was looking forward to it so much. But he thought the fancy had worn off for her because it was her fourth time around. For Kurt, the idea of having his baby move so Kurt could feel it was … mind blowing. He wanted the kicks to his kidney. He wanted the baby laying on top of his bladder. He wanted to not be able to sleep at night if the baby didn’t want to. He wanted absolutely everything that told him the baby was flopping around inside him, content and maybe curious, or just playful.

“Kurt?”

“Hm?” Kurt winced a little. “Sorry. What were you saying?”

“What were you thinking about?” Blaine asked, finally getting the bottle open and reaching for a glass. “Work? You know it’s going to be perfect. You did everything you were supposed to, down to every detail. It’s beyond perfect, and it’s going to be great. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

“No,” Kurt was able to say confidently. “I’m not worried. Well, no more than I am for any show. But I’m not worried about my work. I’m always a little worried about the rigging and the lighting and the actors hitting all their marks, at least until we get it down and can do it in our sleep.” He shook his head and said, “But actually I was thinking about the baby. About getting bigger, and when it starts to move. Do you think everyone is going to want to touch my stomach? Do you think I should let them or slap them with a lawsuit when they try?”

Blaine took a long drink of his glass and eyed Kurt’s stomach. “Most people will want to touch. If you don’t want them to, let them know. And feel free to use the ever clever, my husband is a lawyer, threat.”

Hesitantly, Kurt broached, “Do you think … well … aren’t you excited? What I mean is, are you going to want to feel the baby move?”

Blaine shrugged honestly. “I’ve felt a baby before.”

“But this is yours. It’s different.”

Blaine shrugged again.

Shoulder held square, Kurt turned back to his salad. “What did you ask me while I was staring off into space like my brain was addled?”

Blaine was beginning to set the table when he asked, “The show is at eight, right? And you’ll have to do some press before, take pictures and talk to a few people? So do you want me there for that or not? Should I meet you here, and we can go together, or do you just want me to go to the theater?”

For the record, Kurt did actually want Blaine out there with him. It was always nice to be photographed with his extremely handsome partner, and field questions Blaine’s way that made Kurt uncomfortable. But Kurt needed him somewhere else, somewhere just as important.

“Could you maybe be there for Sam? He’s pretty much got to go. He did a lot of work for this show and if anything goes wrong, I’ll be the one to fix it, and he’ll be helping. If that happens, we’ll need eyes on Mason. All of the seats are together, so if I need to pull Sam to help, you’ll have him there right next to you.”

Flatly, Blaine said, “You want me to play babysitter?”

Kurt had to nod a little. “Mercedes was going to be here, but then she went on tour and she’s not going to get back in time. Sam’s great with Mason, but I don’t want to leave him alone if I need Sam. You’re a good candidate for baby watch duty, Blaine. You’re responsible, and entertaining and you’re good at keeping calm. Everything a five year old needs. Plus, think of it as practice.”

Horrified, Blaine said, “That’s what daycare if for.”

This they hadn’t talked about.

Kurt tried to say tactfully, “I know that both of our jobs demand a lot of our attention, and I’m not asking you to make huge sacrifices. But on a whole, children who spend less time in day care and more in the company of their family, tend to do better in school, and have less behavioral problems. You do have an enforced day off every week. Are you really going to want to put the baby in daycare when you don’t have to?”

Blaine crossed his arms and frowned. “Those days are ours, Kurt. We only get a couple times a month to really be together. To spend good, quality time together. Why should that change?”

“Because our priorities are changing.” Kurt refused to look at him. He refused to meet the problem head on. “When you have a baby, priorities always change. The time we have for ourselves has to be cut. Even if you’re willing to put the baby in daycare all the time, I’m not. I don’t want to. I’m sorry if that upsets you.”

Blaine remained quiet as Kurt finished the salad, but the tension was palpable between them. More and more Kurt found himself worrying about the lack of interest Blaine was showing in his pregnancy, at least after his first trimester, and the baby in general. It was more than worrying at times.

As if they hadn’t just met some great conflict, Blaine said, “I can swing by and pick Sam up before the show. You do your thing and we’ll meet you inside the building. That work?”

Kurt tried to be content. “It works.”

And not that Kurt had expected some horrific, terrible, career changing disaster to unfold at the premier. He was actually expecting a pretty perfect night. Granted, nothing ever went absolutely flawless in show business. But everyone showed up, everyone was on time and in their proper position, and even the media were extremely nice for once. Kurt usually ran into at least a couple of them on a weekly basis who questioned his taste level, or his work ethic, or any other number of things that they had no idea about. But not at premieres. Never then.

Secretly Kurt thought they were being nice because he’d worn a particularly tight pair of slacks, and when he turned to the side his bump was just barely visible. They all complimented him on his appearance and congratulated him on the pregnancy, and Kurt wondered if Blaine had threatened to sue the last batch of reporters who’d tried to slander him in their column.

Still, he wasn’t going to be ungrateful.

After nearly forty-five minutes of picture taking, and carefully worded interviews, Kurt was able to slip into the theater as the actors began to arrive and draw the spotlight to them. Once, when Kurt had been young and idealistic, he’d wanted to be a musical star himself. He had an odd, but remarkably flexible voice, and the ability to improvise in a second. He’d even applied to several schools in the tri-state area. He’d been accepted to a few, but ultimately it had been his love for fashion that he’d decided to follow. A part in a musical was once in a lifetime, with actors cycling through with the seasons. But the clothing? That was forever. Kurt wanted to be forever.

“Hey!” Kurt waved a little, thankful for his boots and heaved himself up to his tiptoes so Blaine could see him amidst the people around him.

Blaine waved back on his own tiptoes, greeting Kurt with a warm kiss and a hand to the small of his back. Just the way Kurt liked it.

“Did everyone get in alright? Kurt asked. The theater staff knew Sam by name, but Blaine was a less common face. Kurt wondered how many people actually knew they were married.

Blaine helped Kurt down into his seat with practiced ease and reported, “Everything was fine.” Both of Kurt’s guests were already there.

Sam piped up, laughing and jostling Mason a little who was on his lap, “Apparently someone let it drop who Blaine’s brother is, so he was swarmed at the door with legions of teenage girls who wanted him to introduce his brother, or give them his phone number. It was madness.”

Mason laid back against Sam and said with a heavy sigh, “Cooper is dreamy.”

Blaine stilled. Sam’s eyes bulged. Kurt declared, “You don’t get to watch Teen Nick anymore, buddy. Only Baby Nickelodeon for you.”

Sam leveled a hard glare at Blaine. “My five year old better not have a crush on your very adult brother, Blaine Anderson.”

Blaine was unenthused. “The Queen of England had a crush on my brother. Apparently he’s everyone’s type.” There was only a little bit of animosity in his tone, which was much better than when Kurt had first met Blaine. They’d always been a bit of tension between the brothers, and thankful it had gotten better with time.

The Orchestra was finished tuning when Blaine leaned over the slightest bit and told him, “I’m proud of you. Then he kissed Kurt’s cheek and said, “And you should take credit where credit is due.”

Kurt settled his hands over his stomach. “I hope it isn’t too loud for the baby. The book I’m reading says at this stage in the development that he or she can hear a good deal of what’s going on out here.” He stopped to consider, then said, “Well, I hope the baby likes the music at least. With any luck I’ll have another theater enthusiast in here, instead of a boring golfer like you.”

Sam was settling Mason into his seat next to Kurt when the little boy tugged on his sleeve and said, “What’s the movie about, Uncle Kurt?”

Kurt smoothed back curly hair and corrected, “It’s not a movie, Mason. It’s a musical. You’ll see the difference. And it’s about a love story, like most things are. But there’s time travel, and animals and a million crazy things that I think you’re going to love. Can you see alright from your booster seat?”

Mason wiggled a little and nodded. “What kind of animals?”

“A lion,” Kurt ticked off on his fingers, “and a turtle, and a mouse, and even a dragon. They’re animal guides, and they’re supposed to help our heroine find her way back to her one true love, but they can’t ever get along, and they’re always fighting, or trying to be the best. They make it hard for our heroine to see that her true love has been with her the whole time. But you’ll see what I mean.”

The lights were minutes away from dimming when Blaine asked, “Do you need the aisle seat?” His arm was around Kurt’s shoulders, at ease with the normally stiff theater environment. “In case you get a 911 page?”

Kurt waved him off. “I’ll have Sam help me if I get it. But we ran though the show this morning, and I checked back in before coming here. Everything is set to go off without a hitch. I think we’re going to be flaw free.”

Blaine nodded and the lights flickered.

“Here we go,” Kurt breathed out. He’d done five musicals in total, from start to finish, and he still had butterflies in his stomach now. He breathed in the deep, frigid air of the theater and willed them to go away.

It took him a second to realize they weren’t.

It wasn’t butterflies.

“Oh my god,” Kurt gushed, turning to Blaine as the curtains came up. “I can feel the baby! It’s kicking me!” It was the barest of movement, fluttery and weak, but Kurt could feel it, and it was amazing. He’d never felt anything like it, and he couldn’t keep his hands off himself.

He tried to get Blaine to cop a feel as well, most of their movements hidden by the darkened theater, but his husband was stoic in the attention he was paying the show, and even Kurt couldn’t feel the movement from the outside. It was probably too soon for Blaine to feel.

“Amazing,” he mumbled to himself, settling back against Blaine. He couldn’t wait to phone his dad, and Mercedes, and Tina.

The show was spectacular. It was romantic, and funny, and light hearted. It was a good mixture of fantasy and drama, and the score was amazing. His clothes looked impeccable on stage, and the set was magnificent. All in all, the show seemed fresh. And in fact it was the first time Kurt had taken on an original production, instead of a revival. It was a new challenge for him, but one that he realized was well worth the additional work.

Predictable, despite being for the most part family friendly, Mason fell asleep just before the second act. He was only five and it was past his bedtime. Kurt thought Mason looked absolutely adorable sleeping against Sam. Kurt tried to imagine his own baby falling asleep against Blaine, but he couldn’t quite picture it.

After the show ended to a standing ovation, and several rounds of congratulations, Sam hefted Mason up into his arms and inquired, “I know there’s an after party, but do you need me to be there?” Sam was looking a little tired himself, and it was then that Kurt remembered Sam was playing the part of Mason’s sole provider at the moment. Kurt knew it was tough for two parents to juggle a child effectively, and Sam was doing it alone for a while.

“Go home,” Kurt said softly, pulling him into a gentle hug. “Put Mason to bed. Then come by my office tomorrow morning, probably around ten or eleven. The show’s up and running now, which means there’s going to be even more work for us, if you can believe. We need to make duplicates, and reinforce everything, and pray that no one either loses or gains weight. You’re not done just yet.”

Sam waved to him and then ducked out of the theater to call a cab.

The after party was held in a building less than a block away, and while Blaine protested it, Kurt was feeling especially well after feeling the baby move. He insisted they walk, like most everyone else was doing. And it gave him the time to question, “Did you like the musical?”

He’d always, ever since the beginning, valued Blaine’s opinion on all of the important things in his life. He wanted to share everything with Blaine, and took him seriously when he had praise or concerns.

“You mean,” Blaine guessed, keeping Kurt pulled close against the night chill, “Do I think it’s Tony material?”

“Yes?” Kurt said a little awkwardly. He’d been nominated twice now, but never won. He’d have been a liar if he said he didn’t want to win, and badly at that.

Blaine thought for a moment, then said, “Not the writing. Maybe for music and lyrics, and certainly for costume or set design. All of you were on for that. I think this musical is a shoe in for nominations, and at least something is going to win. I hope it’s you. You deserve to put that little naked man up on the mantle to show off to all our friends.”

Kurt burst out laughing and leaned a little more heavily on Blaine. “Thanks.”

The after party wasn’t open to the public, and only to the cast, crew and families of the production, and for that reason Kurt wouldn’t have missed it for the world. There were annoying people like Thompson and Yeats that he’d had to deal with one a daily basis, fighting him every step of the way, and he’d still have to play nice with them for months to come. But the faces were generally welcoming and familiar and Kurt never felt more in his element.

Kurt made sure to introduce Blaine to everyone who was important, which was just about everyone, but they especially got caught up speaking with Noah and Lauren Puckerman.

When Blaine was eying the pair critically, trying to figure out how they worked, Kurt supplied, “Lauren does a lot of tech work for us. There seems to always be something going wrong, but she’s got the magic touch. She’s our go to girl. It’s made her somewhat of a celebrity around these parts.”

Lauren shrugged, drink in hand. “It just talks to me. The circuitry. Can’t help it if no one else is listening.”

“That’s my girl,” Noah said, all kinds of proud.

“Noah,” Kurt furthered, “was just some bum hanging around at the early stages. He’d be waiting outside the theater before the day started, and well after it ended. Thompson wanted to call the police on him several times. It took forever before we figured out he was just sweet on Lauren, and trying to woo her into dating him.”

Blaine frowned. “But aren’t you on the crew?” he asked Noah. “I thought I saw you earlier, calming down some of the more … over zealous fans.”

“About that,” Noah said, “try not to cause a riot at the next thing you go to, okay? It’s one thing for these girls to get dragged to the theater because their parents make them. Moping, annoyed, bitchy teenagers I can deal with. I’ve got a little sister. But the fanatic ones? No.”

Blaine nagged a glass of champagne off a passing waiter’s tray. “To be fair, they were fanatical about my brother, not me.”

“I like the excitement,” Lauren declared. “Gets me firing on all cylinders.”

There was sexual energy and chemistry between them that Kurt hadn’t seen in a long time. They were an odd pair for sure, but they worked, and Kurt wasn’t going to be the one to question it.

He finished for Blaine’s sake, “Then one day we had a … we’ll say disgruntled employee. He was being let go from the production and he got a little physical. By that time everyone knew Noah was dating Lauren, and he was here visiting her when that happened. Noah tackled the guy to the ground, and subdued him until the police arrived. After that, Thompson decided to hire Noah on as some extra security, and he’s been part of the family since.”

Noah only shrugged as Blaine raised his glass to the man and said, “Working with your significant other is rarely a good idea. But if it works in this case, and you keep Kurt just a little safer, then far be it for me to tell you otherwise.”

“They’re married,” Kurt added.

“Decided to do the quickie Vegas thing one weekend,” Lauren said.

“But you haven’t known each other that long.” Blaine looked between them. “Marriage statistics say--”

Noah interrupted, “When you know, you just know. It’s not rocket science, and you don’t have to be together for years to know it’s right.”

Kurt raised his club soda in salute. “Well said.”

“But no babies,” Lauren broke in, nose scrunched up. “Not like Hummel here. I’m in no mood to procreate.”

Noah couldn’t seem to care less, but did comment, “Got it in one, but we’re happy for you guys. You’re going to make some cute ass babies, between the two of you.” Noah gave Kurt a pat on the back and asked, “You guys must be shitting yourself with worry over being fathers.”

“I’m worried,” Kurt admitted, “and maybe a little scared, but I’m ready. And no one ever gets it perfect. If I can remember that, I think I’ll be okay. Plus, it’s healthy to be nervous, right? The first time around? Blaine?”

Blaine was finish his glass and said, “Yeah. Nervous.”

“You don’t look too enthusiastic there,” Lauren noted, eyes narrowing.

Signaling for another drink, Blaine said, “Kurt’s excited enough for the both of us.”

There was an odd inflection in his voice, something Kurt didn’t like, and something that made his stomach churn, but they weren’t in the right place to talk about it. Any maybe it was nothing. There was no point in picking a fight over nothing.

“Hey,” Noah said, leaning closer, “did you hear Berry tried to crash the premier?”

“No.” Kurt looked scandalized.

Blaine guessed, “Rachel Berry?”

While Kurt nodded, Noah said, “She even got through the first line of security. I guess her name has a lot of weight, whether she’s on the guest list or not. But I got to her at the second checkpoint. Apparently she demanded to be let in and said she deserved to be in attendance. That girl is seriously unhinged.”

“Isn’t she supposed to be a musical prodigy?” Blaine asked, once more sipping his champagne. Kurt wanted to tell him to slow down. Blaine got handsy and a little rough when he drank too much, and Kurt hated it. There was also the fact that if Blaine drank much more, he wouldn’t be fit to drive home, and Kurt absolutely hated the way Blaine’s car handled.

Lauren snorted at the statement.

Kurt had to credit her and say, “She’s good. That’s for sure. Amazing voice. But one gets the feeling that she’s been told she’s the best her entire life, and treated that way. By the way, it isn’t the case. She thinks she’s entitled to most things, and that, unfortunately, is something that a lot of people in this city suffer from, let alone this line of business.”

Noah only shook his head. “Like I said. Unhinged.”

“Kurt!”

Kurt spotted where his name was being called from and excused both himself and Blaine. “Come on,” Kurt urged, taking Blaine by the hand. “There’s Quinn. There’s our shinning star. I want you to meet the power behind his musical. You’re going to love her.”

For a few more hours Kurt enjoyed the company of his husband and his coworkers, and stealthily managed to wrangle Blaine into drinking club soda with him, playing the pregnancy card. But before long they were home and Kurt was seated on the edge of their bed, pulling at his shoes and blissful in his mood.

“Tonight was really good,” Kurt said sleepily. “It’s always good when we go out together.”

Blaine pulled the knot out of his tie and let it hang around his neck loosely. “I love seeing you in your element. It just serves to remind me why I married you.”

It was getting harder and harder to get up on his own, but Kurt thought he did a decent job of sliding to his feet without help. He asked a bit coyly, “And why’s that? Can I get a reminder?” He tugged playfully at Blaine’s silken tie.

“Your passion,” his husband answered at once and with a kiss. “Not to mention how determined you are. How open hearted you let yourself be. And just what an absolutely good person you are. That’s pretty hard to find in a single person. So when I met you, I knew I had to win you over.” He chuckled. “You made me work for it, too. I think that’s what I liked the best.”

Feeling a little sassy, Kurt told him, “I might have been this little boy from Ohio, a born and bred hick, but my daddy taught me right.”

Blaine’s lips were fire on his neck when he whispered, “You even had the accent, just like that, slight as it was.”

“Blaine,” Kurt sighed happily. He let his arms go around Blaine’s neck and pressed flush against him. “I’m tired, but I’m not that tired.”

“Hm?”

He let one of his legs fit carefully between Blaine’s, cautious to keep his balance. He lost it so easily now, especially as the baby grew and his weight increased.

“I’m really not that tied at all, not that I think about it.”

Blaine’s tongue was tracing the pulse at his neck and Kurt felt lightheaded, in the best way.

“Not even a little?”

Kurt groaned. “Nope.” He tried not to let his voice waver, but he knew Blaine could feel his growing excitement. “And you know, Doctor O’Neil cleared me for more than a little heavy petting. In fact, she told me my sex drive is going to double, if not more, in the coming months. I believe her. Do you believe me?” He gave a pointed pelvis thrust.

Then Blaine did the last thing that Kurt expected. Blaine had always been enthusiastic about sex with him. And when they’d been trying to conceive there’d never been a single complaint about how often Kurt insisted they try, or even the crazy Asian and Indian remedies for fertility that had been tested out on them weekly. In fact Kurt could only recall a handful of times in their entire marriage when Blaine had turned down sex.

But now, as Kurt found himself thrilled at the prospect for the first time in months, Blaine pulled away.

“What?” Kurt asked, worried he’d done something wrong.

“It’s nothing.” Blaine ran a hand over his face. “Really. I’m just tired.”

Kurt made sure to press his hardness against Blaine again, stating, “I could make you less tired. I’d like to think I’m pretty good at that. I’ve never had any complaints before.”

Blaine caught his hand. “Kurt.”

Kurt sagged a little. “Then what is it?”

“I’m tired,” Blaine repeated. “I had meetings all day, and Wes needed me to bails his brother’s ass out of trouble, and Sebastian wasn’t as relaxing as I thought he would be. Then I went to your theater premier tonight. That’s a lot. I’m really tired. And you should sit down. You’ve been on your feet too much today.”

Tentatively Kurt offered, “You know I really don’t need to be on my feet for what we could be doing now, instead of talking. It’s pretty relaxing, too.”

Blaine patted his arm on the way back to the wardrobe. “You need to take care of yourself first. Get some sleep. I’ll be there in a second.”

He suddenly did feel tired, but mostly of dealing with Blaine’s hot and cold. His husband had always been a little hard to read, but lately it had gotten even more difficult.

Kurt listened to Blaine turn on the faucet in the conjoining bathroom a moment later and he tried to figure out what had put Blaine off. They’d been having a great evening and he couldn’t come up with anyone. In fact his mood had only turned sour the moment Kurt had propositioned him.

Was it him?

Kurt looked down at himself, and at the gentle swell that he was so proud of. Was it that? He was putting on a little weight, not so much around his middle, but a little in his thighs and a little in his face. Doctor O’Neil had said he was still incredibly healthy, and maybe he could even stand to gain a few more pounds. But it was noticeable. He was pregnant, and everything in his body seemed to be shifting. He wasn’t as toned as he’d been before he was pregnant, and he wouldn’t be until after he had the baby.

Blaine was a good deal of things Kurt didn’t like, but he’d never figured him to be so appearance driven. Blaine always made it a point not to judge people on the way they looked, he always said looks could be deceiving, and so part of Kurt was unable to imagine that a few pounds were making him unattractive to his husband.

But what if that was the case? What if he was less attractive to his husband now? Some men found their partners extremely attractive during pregnancy, but Kurt knew there was another group who didn’t. Blaine could, potentially, but a part of that group, and just not want to say anything to him about it.

The idea was almost heartbreaking. And angering.

Kurt finished undressing and joined Blaine in the bathroom where they brushed their teeth together, and Kurt moisturized every night like he always did. And then Blaine double checked the alarm clock, always neurotic about it, and pulled back the covers. There was a slack look to his face as he helped Kurt down onto the lower than average bed and then turned out the light.

Finally, Kurt didn’t think he could wait any longer. He knew Blaine wasn’t asleep, he couldn’t hear the gentle humming his husband made when he was sleeping, and he couldn’t bear to lay next to him and not know.

“Do you think I’m gaining weight?”

Blaine shuffled a little, rolling towards him. “Huh?”

“Do you think I’m gaining weight?”

Blaine sounded like he was on the edge of sleeping. “All pregnant people gain weight, Kurt. They have to, to support the baby. I’d be worried if you weren’t gaining weight.”

“But, I mean, do you think I’m gaining too much?”

Blaine settled into a comfortable spot. “What did Doctor O’Neil say?”

Kurt folded his hands on his stomach, laying on his back, and looked up to the dark ceiling. There was no moon outside, and that meant it was near pitch dark in the bedroom. It helped with his thinking, eliminating the distractions.

“She said I could gain a few more pounds. I’m under the average for someone my age and health.”

Blaine breathed deep. “There’s your answer.”

Finally Kurt blurted out, “It’s okay if you think I’m fat.”

“Wait. What?” Blaine sat up next to him. “Fat?”

“I know I don’t look the same way I did a couple months ago. I’m wider and heavier. That’s not attractive to some people. It’s a personal choice. I get that. And you can’t help what you’re attracted to and what you’re not. But I can’t stand the fact that you’re not telling me. We tell each other everything. So if you think I’m fat, just spit it out. Then we’ll have talked about it, and be done with it, and that’ll be that. And when I have the baby, I’ll get back to the gym as fast as I can.”

With a desperate groan Blaine rolled into him, his nose brushing Kurt’s shoulder. “I don’t think you’re fat. I think you’re healthy. And even if you were fat, I’d still love you. How you look has nothing to do with why I actually love you. It’s just a bonus. I’m not petty, Kurt.”

“Well, what am I supposed to think?”

Blaine mumbled into Kurt’s skin, “Kurt, I actually am really tired. You have to help me out here. Not confuse me. Please.”

“You didn’t want to have sex tonight,” Kurt reminded. “And we haven’t had it in weeks--not even months.”

His husband’s hand fell to his thigh. “You weren’t cleared for sex until six weeks ago. We couldn’t have had it even if we wanted to.”

“And before those six weeks, then?”

Now Blaine sounded frustrated. “I’ve been working ten to twelve hours days at the office. And you’ve been getting the musical ready. And we both know that even if your doctor clears you for sex, that there is still a small percentage of people who can trigger premature labor by engaging in it.”

“It’s about a percent of people,” Kurt said flatly, “and they’re usually in the ninth month.”

“Well,” Blaine huffed, “what if we turn out to be that one percent? What then? Look. Mostly we’ve just both been busy. That’s all it is.”

But it wasn’t just that. Blaine was mostly shying away from touching him in specific areas. It wasn’t even the sex, that was just the tip of the ice burg. Blaine would hold his hand, or put his arms around him in public or at home without a single problem. But Kurt could never get him to touch his bump, or interact with it, or even what seemed like care about it. It was as if he was afraid to touch the baby.

Or maybe … maybe he didn’t want to.

The thought made Kurt feel wretched.

“Are you sure?” he asked, unable to voice his concerns. “We’ve just been busy?”

“And you know I’m always worried about hurting you. I love you.” Blaine kissed his temple dryly. “I’d never do anything to risk you.”

You, Blaine had said, and not him and the baby.

In truth, when Kurt thought about it, Blaine was always concerned for him, and worried about him, and took care of him, and never the baby. Never ever, the baby.

It broke Kurt’s heart to think Blaine didn’t love or want their baby as much as he did. Or even half as much. How was he supposed to deal with the idea of Blaine not wanting the baby at all? It was unthinkable.

“Okay,” Kurt whispered. “I guess I was worried over nothing.”

“Yep.” Blaine nuzzled him. “Completely unfounded.”

He needed to talk to someone he trusted. He need to confide and make sure he wasn’t just going completely crazy. And with Mercedes out of town, the next best person to talk to who would understand was Tina. He’d call her the following day, and he’d hope desperately he was just imaging something that wasn’t there at all.

For their family’s sake.

***

“Blaine hates the baby.”

Tina was barely through his office door when he startled her with his words, making her pause and cock an eyebrow. “Somehow I doubt that.” She held a firm hand to her stomach and suddenly Kurt felt very guilty for making her come to him. “And don’t get that look on your face. I’m banned from work, not from going out and visiting my friends. Trust me, when you have three kids like I do, you know when you can‘t push yourself anymore. Today isn’t the day.”

Kurt’s face scrunched up. “Then get over here and reassure me, okay? Because I think I’m having a panic attack.”

Tina beamed and made her way over. “I repeat, I very much doubt that Blaine hates your baby. His baby. It’s not just yours because you’re carrying it.

Kurt got up from his drafting table and moved to her side, guiding her by the elbow until she was seated in a near by chair. “I don’t know. The evidence is pretty damning.” He fetched her a bottle of water and then hopped up on the desk she was seated at, legs swinging in front of him.

“Tell Doctor Tina all your problems, son.”

He gave her a less than pleased look, then said, “It’s just a bunch of little things, Tina. And they were absolutely so little and unconnected that I never put them together. I never connected the pieces until last night.”

Tina prompted, “Examples?”

“Well …” Kurt ran a hand through his hair. “You know that Blaine never really wanted kids to begin with. He’s not the kid type. I mean, he likes them well enough, he’d just never imagined a house full of them, not like me. And I suppose I pushed and pushed and pushed at the child issue until he had no choice but to give into me. Oh, Tina, what if I pushed him into hating the baby?”

Tina smacked him heavy on his thigh. “Blaine Anderson never does anything he doesn’t want to. The same as Kurt Hummel. I’ve known you both long enough to know you’re equally stubborn. He wouldn’t have agreed if he wasn’t fully prepared to be a father. He isn’t the type to bring a baby into this world and then neglect it. Plus, just because he’s not the kid type doesn’t mean he hates your baby, and it doesn’t mean he’s going to be a bad father. He’ll probably just need some time to settle into the idea.”

With a wince, Kurt said, “He didn’t want to help pick out the baby’s donor at all. Isn’t that weird? This baby is going to be ours for as long as we live. Who wouldn’t want to help with that?”

Tina shrugged. “A lot of men.” She was dressed that morning in her yoga pants and a flowing top, and despite all the bloating she claimed to have, she looked absolutely gorgeous. Kurt hoped he looked half as good in a few months when he hit his third trimester.

“You think a lot of men wouldn’t want to have control over the conception of their child?” Kurt could hardly believe that.

Tina amended,. “Not exactly. I think it’s more that most men wouldn’t care about the little things. They wouldn’t care about the details. Look, four times in a row now I’ve asked Mike if he wanted to know the gender. And four times now he’s told me whatever I want, and that he doesn’t really care if we have another girl, or if we finally have a son and get his parents off our backs. He just wants a healthy baby.”

Kurt could remember Blaine saying that many times over, and was forced to admit it to her. “That does seem to be all he cares about.”

“Then why question it? Isn’t the most important thing, that baby being healthy?”

Kurt nodded. “And so far so good.” He’d had just about every medically safe test available so far, and everything had come out clean.

Her eyes narrowing, Tina wondered, “I wonder if this is just pregnancy paranoia.”

Kurt mouth dropped open a bit. “What’s pregnancy paranoia?”

“Something a lot people go through, but I don’t think it’s been medically diagnosed. But it’s this point in your period when you start to get paranoid about the littlest things. Take for instances the pound of toothpaste that I bought about a month ago after blowing up at Mike and accusing him of wasting it.”

“Toothpaste management seems a lot easier to handle than your partner not wanting your baby.”

Tina cleared her throat. “The point is, the paranoia ranges from the small things, to obviously here what is something huge. When you’re pregnant you go a little crazy. That’s just the truth of it. It’s up to other pregnant people, who’ve gone through it before, to help out. That’s why it’s important that you socialize, and not be a hermit like you want to be, Kurt.”

Kurt looked down at his swinging feet. He supposed there could be a chance that he was only over worrying. He could do that from time to time, and the pregnancy hormones were driving him up the wall as it was. Tina was making perfect sense. But still, something was nagging at him, the same way that his inability to get pregnant had.

“But he rarely touches the baby.” He wanted her to explain that. “And when he does, it’s usually by accident. In the middle of the night, or when he has to brush by me. It’s then. He isn’t like … not like Mike. With Mike you’d think he has his hands permanently attached to you.”

“Hm.”

Kurt continued, “I thought it was my weight at first. I mean, let’s face it, with my body type you can tell when I put weight on, and my body is gestating a baby. It has to. So I know I look a little different from how I usually do. I’m rounder and softer. And maybe Blaine isn’t attracted to me?”

Tina said fiercely, “You are flawless, Kurt Hummel. And you’re glowing. Absolutely glowing. I think everyone who’s pregnant glows, but you’re something else. Pregnancy really suits you, and I think that’s what shows. If we both weren’t married I’d snap you up in an instance.”

Kurt laughed and kissed her cheek. “Blaine dismissed that, anyway. He was half asleep, too, so I don’t think he was lying. But if he doesn’t think I unattractive now that I’m pregnant, then why does he avoid my stomach like it’s the plague?”

Tina bit her lip, and Kurt could tell she was trying to think of the best way to tell him what she was thinking. He hated that she did it. He valued her friendship so much, and she was one of his oldest friends. He didn’t need her to speak with a filter. And he didn’t need her to be careful of his feelings. Plus, he’d already burst into tears that morning over burn toast. He was all cried out for at least a few more hours.

“Kurt … well, Blaine is a little …”

“Whatever you want to say,” he urged, “you can say it. I swear.”

She grimaced. “Blaine’s always been a little scary obsessed with your health and safety, Kurt. The rest of us, Sam and Mercedes and Santana and I, we just assumed that Blaine thought the world was out to hurt you, or I don’t know. But speaking of paranoid, he seems that way with you.”

“He loves me.”

“He seems really afraid to lose you.”

Kurt steadied himself, and then he reminded himself that this was Tina, one of his best friends who’d come with him from Ohio to New York when they were seventeen, and who’d shared a closet spaced apartment with him and Mercedes for over a year, and who had never betrayed him or been mean on purpose and who he absolutely trusted.

“Blaine was engaged before he married me, you know.”

Tina looked up at him with a snap. “Huh?”

“There was someone else.” He felt horrible for sharing one of Blaine’s most traumatic memories with her. It felt like a violation of Blaine’s trust in him, but he had to. “I guess it was more of a whirlwind romance. They were seniors in high school and then same sex marriage was newly legal in New York, and they just decided as soon as they graduated they were going to get married. He was Blaine’s first love.”

Tina asked, “Something tells me they didn’t just break up?”

“No.” Kurt shook his head. “They went out one night, right after graduation, and they went to their favorite off campus place, a bar that would let them pass with their fake IDs. And on the way back to the car, they ran into a couple of guys who’d had too much to drink and were just looking to start trouble.”

Tina’s hand pressed against her mouth. “Did they--”

“He died,” Kurt confirmed, “and Blaine tells me it hurt him badly for a very long time. He had trouble trusting his partners after that, mostly that they weren’t going to die on him again. What happened made Blaine into the person he is today, his career as well. He saw how easily his attackers got off. He saw the year they each did in prison, and the community service, and all of that despite his fiancé being six feet under. It’s probably why he’s such a shark today.”

Tina reached out and grabbed his wrist, her fingers curling around his pulse. “That’s horrible, Kurt. But it also explains so much. You know how dangerous it is for you to have a baby. Twice as dangerous as me. Twice as many things can go wrong. Blaine is likely just worried that something will. He doesn’t want to lose you. He doesn’t want to risk you. And every time he sees or touches the baby, he’s reminded of what can happen.”

That was incredibly frustrating. “But this baby is a blessing! He should look at it and see our future, and all the good that we’re going to have in our lives. How can he be so glass half empty with a baby?”

Tina shrugged. “Maybe because he’s suffered a serious trauma in his past?”

Kurt let out a deep breath. “Maybe. Possibly. But you just don’t see him the way I do, Tina. The way he purposely goes out of his way to not touch the baby. I felt it kick the other night, you know?”

She looked like she wanted to jump to her feet in excitement for him. “That’s incredible!”

He grinned back at her. “I know that it’s probably just me, and no one will be able to feel it for a while, but I wanted Blaine to be one of those fathers who tired so hard to feel it. I wanted to rub his back and promise him that he’ll feel it soon, and laugh with him over it. I tried to get him to feel my stomach, and he pulled away so fast.”

“Everyone is different,” she offered, sounding a little hesitant.

“He never wants to talk about the baby.” Kurt slid down from the desk easily to cross the room. “It’s not just the touching. He doesn’t want to talk about where we’ll send it to school, or what it might look like, or what it might want to do for a hobby or career. He doesn’t care what colors we make the nursery, or if we sign up for any baby and me classes, or how we’re going to play hot potato with the baby with our families living so far apart. Nothing. If I even bring up the baby, he changes the topic, or has to leave or I don’t know, Tina. I feel like pulling out my hair!”

A knock sounded in the door and Kurt looked over to see an apprehensive Sam standing in the doorway. “Is this a bad time?” He had some of Kurt’s requested fabrics under one arm and was balancing a large coffee in the other. God, Kurt missed large coffees. “Hey, Tina.”

“Hi, Sam.” She waved to him.

“Could you come back in about fifteen?” Kurt asked gently. He didn’t want to take anything out on Sam who was far from deserving of his anger.

Sam dropped the material off and with a salute disappeared from sight.

There was an idea, and absolutely horrible feeling that had been eating at him for weeks, since the first avoidances had been noticed. And Kurt had to know what Tina thought. He had to ask her, no matter how uncomfortable it made him feel.

“Tina …” his mouth was dry and he drank from his own water bottle. “Do you think Blaine’s avoidance has anything to do with the baby not being biologically his?”

The look on her face said she didn’t know. “Kurt--”

“Oh my god.” Kurt covered his face with his hands, feeling light headed. “I forced Blaine into this pregnancy, and now he hates the baby because it’s not his. This is my fault.”

“Kurt. Kurt!” Tina wrangled is hands away. “The doctor told you that there was absolutely no chance of Blaine being able to father a child, right?” When he nodded, she pressed, “Then don’t you realize that whether it made him uncomfortable or not, he agreed to have his husband carry another person’s child, even if it’s only genetic material, because he wanted to give the person he loved the most in the world what they wanted more than anything else. He agreed to your pregnancy and gave it his support because he loves you, which means regardless if he truly wanted the baby or not, he has to love it, too. It’s half you, Kurt. It’s half of the person he loves. Probably the best half. So he doesn’t hate the baby. Maybe he just …”

“Yes?” he asked anxiously.

She posed, “What if it was the other way around? What if you were infertile and he wasn’t? So what if you agreed to carry a baby that you knew was half Blaine’s and half a stranger’s? It might be uncomfortable for you, or even might make you feel uneasy, but you’d have the baby inside you. You’d feel the life you were protecting. It would be hard for you still, but you’d feel the baby kick and you’d bond with it. What if Blaine is reluctant because it isn’t his baby, not biologically, and he can’t bond with it? He’s not carrying it. He’s certainly not experiencing what you are.”

Kurt felt absolutely stunned. He’d never even stopped to consider that. “You think … Blaine hasn’t bonded with the baby?”

“And I think he’s reluctant to.”

“Then what can I do?”

“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “But what’s not helping is you talking to me, and not to your husband. Kurt, you have to share these concerns with him. He’s your partner and he loves you. Talk to him.”

With an almost reluctant sigh, Kurt nodded. “Thanks, Doctor Tina.”

She heaved herself up out of the chair with Kurt’s help and said, “When you say it like that, it sounded condescending.”

“You’re a dentist, Tina. Not a shrink.”

“True, but I’m giving pretty good advice now, aren’t I?”

Kurt kissed her cheek again and agreed, “You’re right.”

She gave a visible wince and pressed a hand to her belly hard. “Calm down, Kurtanna,” she chided.

Kurt made a face at her. “I will never forgive you if name the baby that.”

“Better start praying for a boy, then.”

In a perfect world Kurt would have been able to call Blaine up and arrange a lunch meeting between them, or simply swing by Blaine’s office and expect to be seen right away. But he knew it was the weekend, and Blaine put in all of his extra hours on Saturday and Sunday. He’d have to wait and be patient, at least until the following morning when he could take the coffee machine hostage until Blaine wanted to listen to what Kurt had to say.

It did take just that the next morning before Blaine agreed to sit down at the island bar and listen to what Kurt had to say. And it was then, of course, that he couldn’t find the right words while Blaine waited impatiently.

“Kurt,” Blaine said tryingly. “What’s going on?”

Kurt blurted out, “We decide not to tell anyone during the first trimester of my pregnancy, right? Because we were scared I’d miscarry and we didn’t want to jinx it, or have to deal with people feeling sorry for us if something went wrong. Right?”

“You passed your first trimester a while ago,” Blaine reminded.

Kurt nodded. “So why haven’t we told your parents yet?” Why had it taken him so long to realize that they hadn’t told a pair of the most important people to Blaine. How was that okay? And more importantly, was there a reason?”

Blaine leaned an elbow on the countertop. “There is the fact that they’ve been out of the country.”

“And we couldn’t have called them?”

Blaine frowned. “Are you mad about the fact that I haven’t talked to my mom or dad for months? You’re usually happy about that. You know when they go out of the country the only person they’ll take a call from is their lawyer. Not even me.”

“But we’ll tell them the second they get back in town?”

“Sure?” Blaine shrugged. “It’s no big deal, Kurt. You know, there are plenty of people that still don’t know you’re pregnant.”

Kurt tried to calm his racing heart. “Okay. Good. And I know.”

“Then …” Blaine made to slide off his seat. “I can go?”

Kurt shook his head fiercely. “No. We need to talk. I’m worried about something and I need you to tell me that I’m just blowing things out of proportion.”

“Okay. You’re blowing things out of proportion.”

The urge to hit Blaine over the back of the head was strangely hard to control.

“Ow! Abusive!”

“I am pregnant and hormonal and emotionally distressed,” Kurt said angrily. “So I want you to tell me why you never want to talk about the baby. And it’s not just that. I have to force you to touch my stomach, if it happens at all. You never want to do anything baby related, either. No baby classes, no baby books, and I’ve practically started the nursery all by myself. I wanted you to help me pick out the paint and wallpaper we were going to put in there and you suggested that I hire a professional decorator. You do everything and anything to be hands off with this baby, and I want to know why. I’m worried.”

Blaine blew out a long breath and looked a decade older in the span of a few seconds. He asked Kurt, curiosity and honesty in his voice, “Do you think we rushed this?”

“Rushed?” Kurt exclaimed, hardly able to believe his husband’s words. “Are you kidding me? We weren’t using protection for almost seven years, and we were trying actively to have a baby for at least four, maybe five years. Blaine, we’re going into our thirties now. How could we be rushing?”

“My parents were older when they had Cooper,” Blaine defended. “My mother was thirty-five, and my father was forty. They were better parents because they were older and better suited to have children. Maybe we’re too young.”

Kurt shuddered a little. “I want to do this as naturally as possible. I don’t have much time if I do. We have to do it now before my body can’t sustain a pregnancy, or before it gets too dangerous to try. How much longer did you want to wait? And shouldn’t you have said this before we actually got pregnant? It’s not like we can take it back. It’s a little late for that.”

“I believe I did say something.”

Kurt huffed and turned his back to Blaine. “You said yes. You said yes to this pregnancy. It’s not like it happened by accident. It couldn’t. It was planned and you said yes.”

“I’m not allowed to have my doubts?” Blaine asked. “I’m not allowed to doubt my choices?”

Kurt laid a hand over his bump. He could feel the fluttering again. He could feel his baby moving. “No,” he told Blaine firmly. “Not when it’s too late to go back. Not when you can only go forward.”

“I love you,” Blaine said, and it was never that which Kurt had doubted.

“Is it … is it the fact that this baby isn’t yours biologically? I know collectively and as a family we decided that you are the father, and genes are just genes, but you can tell me the truth. You can be honest. If it’s the biological factor, just tell me.”

“It’s not that,” Blaine said plainly.

“All evidence points to the counter.”

“Objection?” Blaine said weakly. He glance away and his shoulder fell. “It’s not that.”

Kurt didn’t believe him for one second. “I think that is the problem. I think you still see this as someone else’s baby, and I think you haven’t bonded properly with the baby because of that. And it’s not even your fault. I don’t think it’s possible for you to have any kind of connection with the baby because of the way we went about this. It’s hard to love someone when you don’t know half of what they are. It’s different for me, I think, because I’m carrying the baby, and it’s a part of me. But you don’t have that experience. You don’t have that tie to the baby.”

Blaine denied, “Kurt, I’m sure you’re just trying to help but--”

“What if we made a mistake? Not with the baby, Blaine, never with the baby, but with who we chose as our donor? We wanted a donor who wanted to remain anonymous, because we wanted a baby that would be wholly ours. Maybe that was selfish, because there is going to come a day when our baby wants to know where they came from, and part of that is knowing who its parents are. But more than that, I think we need to know what kind of a person we have growing in me, and we could have resolved this months ago if we’d picked a donor who was open about who they are. There were plenty of donors in that database who didn’t care if we knew their names and details. We should have gone with one of them. We shouldn’t have tried to pretend like knowing who your biological parents are isn’t such a big deal.”

“That’s bull,” Blaine snapped, voice and face mad. “We’ve had this nature vs. nurture debate before, Kurt. We always agree the same way in the end, and I don’t know why you’d change your mind now.”

Kurt’s back began to protest, the first twinges of the day and Tina said it was proof that he’d have backaches the more weight he put on with the baby. He had to lean against the bar, closer to Blaine than he really wanted to be at the moment.

“I’m not saying that biological parents are more important than non-biological,” Kurt said as he rubbed the small of his back. “I’m only saying they’re important too, and not just for our baby. For us too. I don’t think you can bond with the baby, and I don’t think you can wholly love it until you know where half of it comes from. And maybe I can’t either.”

Blaine gave a dark chuckle. “You have got to be kidding me. Kurt. We signed a non-disclosure. We signed a legal, binding document that says that we will be sued, wholly and expediently, if we go looking for our donor and somehow manage to find them.”

“But do you want to?”

“It’s not a matter if I want to!” Blaine’s voice peaked and Kurt had known him long enough to recognize when he’d been pushed to near his breaking point. “We would be sued. What about that don’t you understand?”

“Don’t snap at me!” He pointed an accusing finger at Blaine. “And don’t talk to me like I’m an idiot, either. I’m not stupid. I’m not a lawyer, Blaine, but I did read what I signed. I know we’re legally obligated to not seek out our donor in any way. I know. But what I’m asking is if you think we’d feel better as a couple, or maybe separately, if we knew anything beyond statistics about our donor.”

“What?” Blaine scoffed, “like does he go to church regularly and does he help little old ladies cross the street?”

“You’re being condescending.”

It was Blaine’s defense mechanism. When he was met with something that made him uncomfortable or unsure, he usually turned into a raging asshole. Kurt had known him long enough to have that down without question. But this was their baby they were talking about, and their baby’s donor. They had to talk about it, whether they wanted to or not, and whether it was a fun subject or not. It was a necessity.

“I’m just awkward with kids,” Blaine told him, clearly distressed. “I’m no good with kids at all, whether they’re born yet to not. Cooper was so much older than me, and both my parents are only children, so I don’t have any cousins. Plus, my mom used to take me to her nightly bridge meetings. I’d sit in a room full of old women who told me how adorable I was and they’d pinch my cheeks and try and set me up with their granddaughters, but I don’t really have any experience with kids. Kurt, there aren’t a lot of things in my life that I can admit to being inept at, but child rearing? I think I’m a hopeless cause.”

Kurt dared to hold his breath. Could that be it? Could it be as simple as jittery nerves? He could hardly believe it.

“No one knows how to raise a child the first time around. It’s a learning experience for everyone. There’s no handbook, Blaine, and classes can only help so much. It’s trial and error.”

“But I’m really, really bad with kids,” he stressed his words. “So bad. And I’m a little bit afraid that if I touch you wrong, or the baby, that maybe I’m going to break you. Break one of you. Or hurt you. Something. Every baby that has ever been around me has cried or hated me right away. Jillian brought Lola to work one day and she puked on me within five minutes. Kids don’t take to me, and maybe I don’t take to them.”

“Oh, Blaine.” Kurt moved to his side quickly, “you’re going to be a wonderful father. I know you’re going to make mistakes, but so will I. We’ll make them together, and we’ll get better. There is no learning curb. Everyone progresses at their own speed, and if you don’t pick it up right away, I’m not going to be mad at you, or even disappointed. I’m really very confident you’re going to be an amazing father. I wish you’d stop doubting yourself.”

“You can’t control someone’s insecurities, Kurt.”

The truth was, their baby was supposed to be the most wonderful land magical thing to ever happen to them. It was supposed to bring them together and make them stronger than they’d ever dreamed they could be, but it was nothing but a wedge now. It was something that had come between them and couldn’t be moved.

Blaine said he was anxious, and nervous, and Kurt believed that, but he also knew Blain’s tells. He knew the way his husband’s brows pinched and the strain in his shoulders and the tension in the air. He knew all the things that said either Blaine wasn’t telling the whole truth, or he wasn’t telling the truth at all. And no matter how much Blaine tried to deny it, Kurt knew the anonymity of their donor was bothering him--probably had been from the beginning.

If the baby had been theirs, wholly and completely, Kurt assumed there would be far fewer insecurities. Blaine would know the child they were bringing into the world, and he would be more comfortable in his new role as a father. He might even be more involved.

It made Kurt hurt over what could have been.

“Maybe we could get a look at our donor file again for more information,” Kurt mused aloud.

“Why are we back to that?” Blaine snapped, on his feet and voice shouting. “I thought I told you I wasn’t worked up about that. Do you think I’m lying?”

“Why are you so mad?” Kurt demanded, his own voice rising. “And excuse me if maybe I want to know more about the person who donated half their DNA to make our baby. Maybe it’s something I want.” And it was probably better to let Blaine think it wasn’t for him at all.

Blaine was scary and intimating as he demanded, “Why can’t you just be happy? You got what you wanted, Kurt. You got the baby you’ve always wanted more than anything else. Why can’t that be enough for you? Why do you want more and more?”

“Why are you being such a jerk?” Kurt took a step back, his heart pounding in his chest.

“Because I gave you what you wanted.” Kurt could see Blaine tense up completely, either as if he were going to lash out or retreat completely. “I gave you what you wanted, and no matter what I do or do not feel, you should be thankful.”

“I should be … thankful?” Kurt moved back until he hit the kitchen sink. “I should be thankful for what? For a family?”

Blaine turned on heel and reached for his keys that he kept in a bowl in the foyer. “I’m going.”

“I don’t think so!” Kurt took off after him, refusing to let Blaine run off without resolving anything. “You get back here and tell me what that’s supposed to mean.”

Blaine was sliding his jacket on by the time Kurt caught up. He gave Kurt a sad look and said, “You always get your way, Kurt, and you always have people around you who’ll sacrifice to make that happen.”

Kurt breathed his next words out like a question, but it felt like a statement. And he said them like he’d always known the truth, and maybe been too afraid to admit it. “You really never wanted this baby, right?”

“I love you,” Blaine said, reeking of honesty. “That’s all that’s ever mattered to me.” Then he was gone and Kurt was alone. He kicked a hole in the wall near the door, his heavy books with the steel toe to blame, than and his anger.

Kurt went to work still angry and still hurt and still reeling from the morning’s truth. He loved Blaine, and he wanted to have a family with him, but he didn’t know how he was going to do that if they were trying to have a child who was only wanted by one of its parents. Kurt didn’t know he had the heart to endure that.

Blaine left a message on his voicemail, a few hours after Kurt went down to the theater, that he’d be staying with a friend for a few days. He said they needed to cool off and think about the situation, and Kurt knew that meant he’d be sleeping on Sebastian’s couch and bitching about the baby Kurt had forced onto him.

“Kurt?” Sam asked when he showed around an hour after the voicemail.

“Sam?” Kurt wondered confused, “what’re you doing here? You know I gave you Sundays off for Mason.”

“I’m just dropping some stuff off,” he said, taking in the sight of Kurt’s still flushed face and the way he was furiously hemming a dress that had been finished weeks ago. “Mason’s at a birthday party so I ran down here to finish my work from yesterday. What’re you doing here? The matinee performance isn’t for another couple of hours.”

Kurt looked down at his needle and thread. His sewing machine was across the spacious office, but when he felt overworked, or stressed out, doing it by hand seemed to be a good remedy. Sewing by hand took careful attention to precision and a steady hand. It was calming, and produced superior work.

“I’ve been here for a few hours now,” Kurt told him. “I had a fight with Blaine. He doesn’t want the baby. He never wanted the baby. And I forced him to have one.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “No one gets forced into having a baby.”

“I think he thought I wouldn’t love him, or wouldn’t stay with him if we didn’t have one. I’m not sure. He wasn’t really communicating.”

Sam asked softly, “Did you guys … are you taking a break?”

“We’re still married,” Kurt laughed. dryly “But yes, Blaine’s going to stay with a friend. I guess he needs time to deal with the mess I got him into. I’m just going to stay here and get some work done.”

“Kurt.” Sam set the material in his arms to the side and moved to Kurt. “You know you can’t be at work that many hours. And you probably shouldn’t be living alone right now, either. Plus, this just sounds like a failure to communicate on both sides. I’m sure you didn’t force Blaine into having a baby, and I’m sure he will realize that he’s being stubborn and uncooperative. You do just need some space, but from each other, not the world.”

“He said he’s just anxious, and worried about being a father. I think it’s more.”

“You don’t trust him?” Sam wondered. “To tell you the truth?”

Kurt said, “I’d trust him with my life. But there’s something in my gut that says something is wrong about this, Sam. Something is wrong and I just can’t see it or figure it out. And I don’t know if we’re going to be okay. As a pair. As a couple I just don’t know.”

Sam pointed a heavy finger at him. “You’re going to come stay with myself and Mason for a while. Mason is going to love having you around, and he and I could use an extra warm body in the house. I’m used to making breakfast for three. It’s hard to get used to breakfast for two, even if it’s only for a short while longer.”

“I haven’t talked to Mercedes in a while,” Kurt admitted guiltily. “I’ve been sidetracked.”

“She’s great,” Sam promised. “A little homesick, and she misses her family, but she’s doing amazing. I always had the utmost faith in her.”

Kurt said reluctantly, “But you want me to come stay with you?”

“For a couple of days,” Sam shrugged. “Just so you won’t be alone, and so you know that you have a support system.”

Kurt gave him the beginning of a grin. “Okay. But I have to warn you, the baby is getting big enough that he’s starting to kick my bladder. I have to get up every hour to go to the bathroom now. I might wake you up, stumbling my way there. Or Mason.”

Sam waved a hand. “Mason could sleep through a tornado. And if you don’t think I didn’t go through that with Mercedes you’re crazy. I get up a million nights to check on Mason anyway. Call me paranoid.”

Offhandedly, Kurt remarked, “Tina says I have pregnancy paranoia.”

“Ah,” Sam said, “I remember that. Mercedes thought I was deliberately trying to make her gain weight when she was pregnant with Mason because I made one comment about how good she looked when she was caring him. Gotta love that pregnancy paranoia.”

Kurt raised an eyebrow. “You must be kidding. It’s real?”

Sam nodded seriously.

Kurt went back to his apartment later that night only to pack a back, which actually ended up being a full suitcase, while Sam waited for him in the hallway. Then they drove back to the blonde’s place and Kurt put up a fuss when Sam insisted he take the master bedroom.

“I can’t let you sleep on your own sofa,” Kurt pleaded. “Sam.”

“Don’t try and fight me on this. You won’t win.” Sam turned down the bed efficiently while Mason danced circles around Kurt wanting to know when he could come back to the theater.

His first night staying with Sam he overslept. It was past ten in the morning when Kurt jerked awake, startled by the sounds of cartoons in the main room. “Sam!” he called out, tripping over himself as he struggled to find his pants. “We’re late!”

There were three missed calls on his phone by the time Kurt got to work, Sam trailing behind him sleepily. One was from Thompson, but the other two were from Blaine. Kurt deleted all three without listening.

Noah greeted him at the door and waved Sam through, but pulled Kurt to the side and said, “About an hour ago your boy was here looking for you. He looked pretty messed up. I told him you weren’t around.”

Kurt plucked up his courage and said, “We’re having a fight right now and I really can’t deal with him. Not until I know what to do. Could you make sure you don’t admit him? I don’t want him bothering me at work.”

“Sure.” Noah shrugged. “Whatever you want. But he looked pretty desperate to talk to you, and I think he thought I was lying about you being here. Whatever is going on between the two of you, I suggest you get it cleaned up before he starts making trouble.”

Kurt took his concerns seriously and headed into his office.

Kurt and Mason and Sam went out to dinner the next night, trying out a new Thai place that had opened only blocks from Sam’s apartment. The food was terribly upsetting to Kurt’s stomach, and they ended up leaving early, then ordering a pizza and sprawling out in the living room watching one of Mason’s favorite movies.

“I’m jealous, you know,” Kurt told Sam. “Of what you and Mercedes have. I always thought it would go that way for myself and Blaine. Now I don’t know what to think.”

Kurt woke the next morning to heavy pounding on the door. He’d just poked his head out of the bedroom when Sam called to him, looking barely awake, “Stay there. I’ll get it.”

It was Blaine. Kurt couldn’t see him from his position further back in the apartment, but he could hear him. He could hear the urgency and the frenzy in his voice as he pleaded with Sam to tell him where Kurt was, and if he was alright.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Sam said, “Kurt’s always fine, but he’s not here, if that’s what you think. He has a lot of friends. Why don’t you try Tina’s?”

“Is he there?” Blaine asked, voice pitchy and hopeful. “Please, tell me if you know. I’ve been looking everywhere for him, and I don’t think he went to work, and he certainly didn’t go home--he hasn’t been there for a while. What if he’s hurt? What if he’s in trouble? He’s pregnant, Sam. I have to … I need to …”

“Sam,” Kurt called out, coming out into the open. “It’s okay.”

“I will throw him out on his ass,” Sam promised , looking back to him, “you just say the word.”

Kurt moved past him with a gentle pat to his shoulder. “We’re just going to talk.”

Blaine was looking at him with wide eyes and a sort of out of breath expression when Kurt stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him.

“How’d you even get buzzed up here?” Kurt asked.

“You didn’t go home,” Blaine countered.

“You said you were going to stay with a friend.” Kurt shrugged. He refused to feel guilty.

“I …” Blaine leaned back against the hallway wall and then slid down it, bringing his knees to his chest. “I’m an idiot.”

“What’re you doing here?” Kurt asked, arms crossed over his bump.

Blaine reached into his heavy coat and pulled out a clear bottle that Kurt recognized right away. Blaine offered, “You forgot your prenatal vitamins. They’re important for the baby’s health. Doctor O’Neil said.”

It was probably the first real concern Blaine had shown over the baby since his pregnancy had begun. “Thanks,” Kurt said, reaching out for them.

“I did some thinking.”

“About what?”

Blaine looked up at him with earnest eyes. He said bluntly, “I don’t think I’m ready for a baby. That’s why I feel pushed into it. That’s why I blew up at you. I’m just not ready, and I don’t think I’m ever going to be ready.”

It was the end of everything, Kurt realized. It had to be.

“But,” Blaine said, catching Kurt off guard, “I am willing to try. I’m willing to try and to learn and to grow and to just try. I can try. I need you to meet me half way and be patient, but I am going to try.”

“Try what?” Kurt asked, maybe a little vindictively.

“To be a father,” Blaine eased out. “A good one, too. To be there for you every step of the way, and be just as involved as you are. I am going to try to not get so anxious and not worry so much, and not be as high strung as I am. I’m going to try, Kurt and that’s all I can promise, but I hope it’s enough.”

Kurt questioned, “You love me?”

Blaine’s eyes were wet, and it just broke Kurt’s heart as he said, “God yes I love you.”

It took some maneuvering, but Kurt was able to get down next to Blaine on the dirty hallway floor. He didn’t want to think about how long it had been since the floor had been cleaned. Then he put his hands folded across his stomach and said, “This baby is half me. If it’s half me, you should be predisposed to love it at least halfway. And you just need to get to know the other half.”

“How?” Blaine asked.

Kurt’s head tipped onto Blaine’s shoulder and he said, “We’ll start small. Little things. And it’ll be better once you can feel the baby moving. But for now, I’ll tell you about his or her habits. Like how it favors the right side, and never hits, only kicks. And how the baby loves my bladder, but for the most part leaves the rest of me alone. Like I said, little things.”

Blaine repeated back to him, “Little things.”

“You’ll start small and I’ll have patience, because this is new for the both of us and that’s what it’s going to take.”

Blaine’s head leaned back on his. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

And while Blaine was doing his part to get to know their baby’s habits, the things that Kurt had already mastered, Kurt planned on doing a little learning of his own. Blaine was completely against them knowing anything more about their donor, but Kurt was convinced it would help. Blaine couldn’t know he was doing any digging around, but he’d be thankful when Kurt was done. Kurt would just have to be sneaky about it. And he knew the perfect place to start.

***

Kurt tapped his fingers on his sketching desk and asked, “Tina, how much do you love me?”

She took a moment to consider the question, then answered, “Enough to go to jail for you, not enough to hide the body.”

“You see, answers like that, that’s why Mercedes is my best friend.”

Tina threw a nearby top hat at his head. “Rude.”

Kurt ginned at her and said, “I need a favor, and I want you to know, it could totally propel you into that coveted best friend spot. Especially without Mercedes here to protect it.”

Tina was sitting in her favorite spot, at his main desk, and sprawled into the chair Kurt used when he was working on something serious, and not sketching on his stool. She loved the oversized chair that Kurt had snagged from a closeout sale at Macy’s and claimed it as her own whenever she came over to visit him at the theater.

“What kind of favor?” Her ankles were crossed and Kurt knew the feeling. There’d been a time when like her, he’d been able to cross his legs as the knee. But even now, with only his bump, it was a little too tight. He’d already had to go up a few pant sizes, and it wouldn’t be long before he had to buy specialty pants.

The thing about Tina, something that Kurt had never been able to figure out, was that she was probably the only dentist in the world who had as many connections as she did. Tina knew more influential people than anyone else Kurt could think of, including Blaine who claimed that he knew people who knew everyone. Tina had all the best connections and could get pretty much anything done. She was a little magic, in Kurt’s opinion, and after knowing her for over a decade, he still didn’t have a clue how she did it.

But the point was, Tina knew everyone who was worth knowing. So she was the perfect person to go to with a request like his.

“When I say I need a favor,” Kurt said, a little uneasy, “I mean I kind of need you to find me someone who isn’t worried about breaking the law and possibly getting sued over a breach of contract.”

Tina frowned at him. “Breach of contract. Woah, Kurt. Shouldn’t you be talking to your lawyer husband about this? He’s pretty much the expert in this department.”

“No.” Kurt couldn’t tell Blaine. Not until he was sure that they had the answers they needed, maybe even to the questions they didn’t know how to ask. “I can’t tell Blaine this. I think he’d … well, he wouldn’t be too happy.”

“Why not?” she asked suspiciously.

With a sigh, he told her, “I already asked Blaine about it, and he said no. But I’m going to do it anyway, and I need you help.” He could tell she was only more confused, and took a moment to steady himself, before telling her, “Blaine and I are having problems right now. More specifically, I’m having a problem with the fact that he’s having a problem with the baby. He denies it, Tina, but I can tell, it’s really getting to him that the baby isn’t his, not biologically, and because of that, he can’t properly bond with it.”

“Oh, Kurt.”

“And,” Kurt pressed, “how can he love our baby if he can’t bond with it? Tina, I think we made a horrible mistake by selecting an anonymous donor. We don’t know anything about what half of our baby is going to be. Statistics and basic information can only tell you so much. I want Blaine to want and love this baby as much as I do, and I think that’ll come with knowing our baby. I think the best way for him to get to know the baby, is to know where they baby is coming from.”

Tina asked, “So where does this breach of contract come into play?”

“The donor,” Kurt explained. “The donor asked to remain anonymous. Apparently the fertility clinic has had some trouble in the past with clients trying to track their donors down for various, less than ethical reason. And I know it’s wrong to go back on my word, the one I swore when I signed, but it’s not like I want money from the donor, or for him to be a father to the baby. The baby already has two fathers and plenty of money to go around. All I want is to know more about the donor, and to find something about him that Blaine can related to, and use it as a catalyst to bond with the baby. I’m not doing this for me, Tina, I’m doing it for the baby.”

Tina pursed her lips for a second, then inquired, “How bad of a breach of contract are we talking here?”

“We could get sued,” Kurt said plainly, “and that’s if we’re very lucky. There could be more legal action than that, and jail time.”

“I seriously doubt they’re going to put you in jail pregnant, Kurt.”

Kurt shrugged. “That’s just what I know. And I understand the risks, but I know this is the only chance I have. This is going to make things better for my family, Tina, so it’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

Tina pushed her elbows up onto Kurt’s desk as she leaned forward. “Tell me exactly what you need.”

“I need someone who has impeccable computer hacking skills, and don’t bother telling me you don’t know the actual best hacker in this city, if not the state.”

“You can’t prove that.”

Kurt laughed. “I’m just saying, I need someone who’s skilled enough to break into the fertility bank’s donor list, and hack it to pieces. This person needs to be ethically gray enough to not care that they’re breaking a series of laws and contracts. Do you have someone in mind? I need a name, Tina. I need the name of my donor, and everything that the clinic has on him, from where he went to college and what classes he took, to what he likes to do in his free time. I want to know what kind of dog he had when he was kid, or if, heaven help us, he’s a cat person.”

Tina pointed out, “ I think the best hacker I know can tell you if he likes chess over checkers, given enough snooping. And if you want to get even less lawful, I could get you more.”

“More?”

“Plenty more.” Tina looked positively devilish. It was a good look on her. “The fertility clinic is sure to have his social security number listed. I have a guy, Kurt. If he got the number, he could tell you what kind of underwear your donor wears, and how often he buys it. The only question is, do you want to go that far?”

Was there a line? Kurt supposed there was, there had to be. But crossing it, and violating someone else’s privacy didn’t seem like such a big deal, not when Kurt had no plans to hurt his donor. He didn’t want to interfere with his donor’s life, or doe anything to even let his donor know he and the baby existed. The line was still there, and it was still wrong to cross it, but Kurt imagined this was what being a father was all about. He was doing this for his baby, and because of that, the gray area seemed a little less scary.

“I want everything, Tina. Everything. And money isn’t an option. You tell me what your guy wants and I’ll get it for you.”

Tina made a face. “He’s not going to want money.”

“No? Well, what do you think he’ll want from me?”

Tina sighed and heaved herself up to her feet. “Nothing from you, that’s for sure.”

Kurt arched an eyebrow. “From you, then?”

“From me.” Tina’s hands went to her back as she straightened up. “Come on. Let’s go get our one cup of coffee a day and I’ll tell you about my guy, and what kind of a price he’s going to set.”

Kurt jerked a thumb over to the wastebasket and told her honestly, “I already had a cup today. Blaine bought it for me this morning.”

Tina glared daggers at him. “I said, we’re going to get our only cup of coffee for the day.”

“Okay. Okay.” Kurt put his hands up in defeat. “Stop looking at me like you can set me on fire with your mind. Let me grab my coat.” On cue he felt the baby kick, obviously pleased as punch about the idea of more coffee. Kurt swore, his baby was the happiest during their coffee breaks. He was breeding a coffee hound, and Kurt was a little scared for the future.

“Don’t you test me, Kurt Hummel,” Tina threatened.

“Hey!” Sam called out to them, sprinting in their direction when he realized they were leaving the theater. “Kurt!” He stopped to catch his breath when he was close enough. “Where are you going? Quinn popped the seam in her dress for the second act. Don’t you remember? It has to be fixed by tonight’s show!”

Kurt slid his coat on and promised, “I’ll be back in forty minutes, Sam. Stop freaking out. I’ll come right back and fix the seam. Tell Thompson to stop projecting his freakouts on you.”

“Okay.” Sam grimaced a little. “Sorry. Do you need me to come with? You said you felt dizzy earlier today. And no offense, Tina, but you’re not really in the best position to catch Kurt if he takes a nosedive.”

Kurt appreciated the concern, but he told Sam, “Actually, I’m feeling really good right now. I just want you to look into making sure that we double check our inventory of shoes for Allison tonight. We need to get her into a last fitting if she’s going to be taking over for Sarah while she’s out with her tonsillectomy.”

Sam gave Kurt a mock salute. “Consider it done by the time you get back.”

“Come along, Kurt.” Tina looped her arm through Kurt’s and caught him at the elbow. “I believe we have illicit activities to discuss.”

Sam took a step back. “I didn’t hear anything.”

Tina said, ten minutes later, “My hacker is a guy named Artie, no last names please. He’s absolutely the best I’ve ever known. He could do this for you in his sleep, and like I said, he won’t ask for payment. Mostly I think he gets off on thumbing his nose at the system. He likes to hack the Pentagon every couple of months just to keep them on their toes.”

“Artie,” Kurt said quietly. They were seated in the back booth of a bistro less than a block away from the theater. The atmosphere was private and there was jazz music playing over the speakers just loud enough to mask their conversation if anyone had been listening. “It sounds like he’s twelve.”

Tina cracked a smile. “He’s our age, Kurt, and his full name is Arthur, but I don’t think anyone has called him that for a very long time. He’s always been Artie to me.”

That said a million things all at once. “You’ve known him for years?”

“Almost as long as I’ve known you.”

Kurt took a long drink of his coffee and the baby twisted around happily. Kurt was going to bring it up with Doctor O’Neil the first chance he got.

“What is he to you? A good friend? Just a business acquaintance?”

“Why are you so curious?” Tina kicked him playfully under the table. “But if you must know, Artie and I dated for several years. We kept everything very hush, but I even thought he was the one for a while. I saw myself getting married to him.”

It was hard to imagine Tina with anyone but Mike. Tina and Mike fit together like perfect pieces of the same puzzle, and their girls were impossibly beautiful. In fact Kurt didn’t want to think about it, because he’d met Mike through Tina, and probably never would have had a friendship with the man if it wasn’t for her.

Kurt had to point out, “But you obviously didn’t.”

Tina shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, but Kurt could see the pain in her eyes. Whoever this Artie was, she’d truly loved him. “I didn’t. He loved me, I knew it, but he loved his work more. He wasn’t prepared to give me the majority of his attention, and I wasn’t prepared to settle.”

“So when you say that he’ll want payment, just not from me …”

Tina burst out laughing at Kurt’s face. “It’s not like he’ll want me to solicit myself or anything! Kurt, you dirty pervert!”

“What! That’s totally not what I was thinking!”

The next time Tina kicked him under the table it was harder. “I’m a married woman, Kurt, and I’m not a floozy. Don’t get any bright ideas. I think he just misses me, but he’s too prideful to call me up from time to time and ask to talk. So he waits until I need him, or until I know someone who needs him, and he gets his pound from me then. We’ll probably just talk. We might go out to dinner. But that’s it. He just wants to spend time with me. That’ll be his price. A couple hours of my time. It’s not so much to ask.”

“When?” Kurt asked, hands curling around his cup. “When will you ask him to do this for me?”

“Tomorrow.” Tina glanced from him at the rest of the bistro. “It’ll probably take about a week for him to get back to me. As much as he likes me, neither you nor I are going to be that high on his priority list. I’ll let you know when he gets back to me.”

“Does Mike know about him?” Kurt asked.

“He knows I dated an Artie a long time ago. But that’s it. I see Artie once or twice every year, sometimes less. And there’s nothing romantic between us. Whatever we had all those years ago, it’s long gone.”

Kurt shrugged. He supposed it was Tina’s business. And as she was doing him a favor, he didn’t want to go poking around or starting trouble.

She surprised him by saying, “And seeing as how I’ll be paying your debt for you, Kurt, I want you to do a favor for me.”

It wasn’t even a question. “Whatever you want.”

Tina explained, “Lena has been beginning me for weeks to take ballet classes, ever since her best friend had a birthday party and her parents took them to see a performance. Now, I’ve tried to see about getting her into a decent studio, but apparently this time of year they’re not accepting applicants, and no one wants to take her without any previous experience. She’s heartbroken. Tell me you can do something.”

It really was late in the year for a studio to take a new student, but Kurt thought for all Tina was doing for him, he could do for her.

“The theater has a pretty strict loyalty to Madame Romanski’s dance company, and I know her daughter personally. I think maybe I could get her to make a few phone calls. There’s a chance we can get Lena in somewhere.”

Tina thanked him with a kiss to his cheek.

“We’re friends,” Kurt said. “The least I can help you do is get your daughter into dance class, considering you’re helping me break at least several laws and a legally binding contract.”

“This is New York,” Tina brushed off. “If you get sued you’ll just be one of the many.”

“Comforting.”

After Tina’s promise to get what he needed done, Kurt tried not to think about it at all. There was work to consider, with an important key player dropping out due to illness, and another with a minor foot injury. It felt like he and Sam had their work doubled over night, and it was a good thing in Kurt’s opinion. He loved when he could throw himself into his work and pretend like nothing else mattered.

At home he and Blaine had developed a tentative truce. There was still a giant, unforgiving elephant in the room, one that Kurt saw every time he went home, and Blaine still worked the same long hours he had before, but things were less tense. They joked again. Kurt told Blaine about his weird new cravings and his husband laughed about it. Kurt did his best not to overwhelm Blaine with babybabybaby, but his bump was growing and rounding out, and it wasn’t as if it was completely avoidable.

Then Tina called him up one day and said, “Can you get off from work?”

Kurt knew right away that Artie had done his job. He told her, “I can take a long lunch. Where do you want to meet?”

They caught lunch downtown, and at a restaurant that was a little too packed for Kurt. He felt like a snob, but being married to Blaine had its perks, and he was generally not used to being squeezed near so many people. And they typically didn’t eat in the part of town that was so frantic and busy.

“Here,” Tina said, handing him an ordinary, plan envelope. “Artie tells me everything is in there. Full name, health records, school records, police records, government records and then a bunch of the little stuff that you wanted.”

It was weighty in Kurt’s hand. “Have you looked inside?”

“It’s not my donor. I didn’t have a reason to.”

Readying himself, Kurt opened the folder and looked down at the name and picture of his donor. “His name is … David Alan Karofsky. Karofsky. Is that European?”

Tina shrugged. “But he’s kind of handsome there. And if you have a boy, you’ve got a pretty good idea of what he’ll look like.

Kurt’s head cocked a little as he stared at the picture. David Karofsky was good looking. Handsome. Better than that, the picture was of him smiling, and was probably lifted from his driver’s license. Kurt love his smile. It was genuine, and warm and trusting. Kurt looked at his donor’s picture and thought that it was of someone that fit his preferences.

“Kurt?”

“Sorry,” Kurt startled a little. He leafed through the rest of the packet. Artie really had done everything and more Kurt had asked. He rattled off to Tina, “All of his medical looks good, but I already knew that, and he pulled a steady 3.5 GPA in college, which makes me feel better. Oh, and here’s his police record. Two arrests, one for a drunk and disorderly when he was twenty-one, I can ignore that, and the second for public disturbance.” Kurt frowned and looked for the details. “He was at a protest, but it doesn’t say what for. It only says he refused to disperse and was arrested. Hmm.”

“With your luck it was for PETA.”

“Please no,” Kurt pleaded, going pale, “I love my fur.”

“If PETA knew that they’d be protesting your shows.”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “They want to see murder? Let them throw some red pain onto my fox coat. I’ll show them murder then.” He held up a picture excitedly. “Look, he played college basketball. My dad is going to love that.”

“You’re going to tell him?” Tina asked curiously.

Kurt thought for a moment, then decided, “Yes. Not right away, of course, but yes. It’s hard for me to keep stuff from my dad. If I do, it’s because I don’t want to bother him. But this is his grandchild. I think he should know everything. I’ll tell him when I tell Blaine.”

Artie had gotten copies of David’s home address, a larger picture of his driver’s license, the number of the firehouse he worked at, and even the details of his gym membership.

Tina said, “Artie told me to let you know he wasn’t sure if you wanted to play Nancy Drew, but he spent a couple of days snooping around Karofsky and he picked up his habits pretty easily. He put a list of commonly frequented places at the back of the file, including where he likes to shop, where he gets his dry cleaning done and what restaurants he likes to patronize.”

Kurt glanced back at the address and was astonished. “He’s in the city.”

“Didn’t you say the database was local?”

“State local,” Kurt shot back. “Tri-state local, and mostly East coast local. It wasn’t a New York City database, that’s for sure. It wasn’t nearly so limited because I was worried I wouldn’t find the perfect match if I set the parameters so slim. I just never imagined that my donor would live in the same city as me.”

Tina laughed and reminded, “It’s a really big city. You could have both lived here your entire lives and never run into each other. You could still never run into each other, considering where he lives and where you live.”

Kurt tried to memorize David’s face. He couldn’t remember ever seeing it before, but he couldn’t be certain that he hadn’t. There was always the chance that he’d run into his donor before, or even met him, and he could have spent his entire life never knowing. Kurt was even more certain that he’d made the right choice by finding out who his donor way. The baby seemed to agree with the way it was happily snoozing.

“But we could, you know.”

“Could?” Kurt looked over his salad to her. That devious smile was back. “Could what?”

“Meet him. Accidentally, of course. I would be a total accident. We’d just casually bump into him, and that would be it.”

“Tina.”

Tina gestured for the file and flipped all the way to the back where a post-it note was attached. “I told Artie that you’re very serious about this. And it’s Wednesday. And Artie told me this Karofsky guy has it programmed into his blackberry every Wednesday to be at the same restaurant at exactly the same time. This is the name and address and time.” She tapped the post-it.

Kurt’s mouth felt dry. “There’s a fine line between illegally finding out some sensitive information and stalking.”

“Yeah. Stalking is totally fun and watching Artie work was a snooze fest. I think I actually fell asleep.”

Kurt looked at the post-it. “You’re telling me David Karofsky is going to be at this location at this time? Today?”

“Yes.”

“And you think it’s a good idea to go spy on him?”

“Kurt.” Tina looked annoyed. “I’m on leave from work because of my pregnancy. If I’m not out with you I’m at home with three screaming little girls, and a pair of grandparents who like to think they actually live at the house. So do you think I want to just tell you to go back to work and I’ll go home? Or do you want to be the Joe Hardy to my Frank Hardy and get on this?”

“I think,” Kurt said slowly, wanting to be sure, “the file can wait. This is a once in a lifetime chance. And so I should get the check.”

They had to go into Queens to get to the place that David Karofsky was supposed to be at. It was a nice place, Italian, and looked intimate and romantic. Kurt wondered if his donor had a partner. It seemed an odd thing. Why would someone become a donor if they had a chance to have a family of their own?

“Do you see him?” Kurt asked. He and Tina were camped out at a frozen yoghurt stall across the street. He felt a little ridiculous, but also a little excited.

“No. Maybe he’s already inside?” Tina looked down at her watch. “Maybe you got the first guy who actually knows how to be on time.”

Kurt took a bite of his yoghurt and puckered a little at the sourness. He’d let Tina order for him, too nervous to do it himself. Too nervous to do anything but lurk around oddly and hope someone couldn’t read his mind.

“Wait. Wait.” Tina bit her lip. “Is that him?”

She was pointing almost wildly. “Where?” Kurt felt like he couldn’t see anything, until suddenly he spotted the form she was indicating to.

His stats had said he was over six feet tall, and even though he was seeing his donor from across the street, the man looked even bigger in real life. Gigantic. But part of Kurt knew that was from knowing that this was the man who’d helped him conceive his child. This was the man who’d made his dreams come true and didn’t even know it.

So he was tall, with broad shoulders, and he reeked of power. He walked in large, confident strides, and he …. he had a pretty blonde next to him. She was tall too, and gorgeous, and she walked next to him close enough to indicate some type of intimate relationship, romantic or not. They obviously knew each other extremely well.

Kurt had handed Tina Karofsky’s file when they were in the car, and she’d leafed through it then, and had probably been able to see more in the twenty minute car ride that Kurt had during their lunch. So he asked her, “Did it say anything in the file about there being a significant other? Because it looks like this could be a date.”

His donor didn’t exactly have his arm around the woman, but he was guiding her along enough, and when they reached the front door he opened it for her, held it, and then made sure she was completely through before letting it go. So he was a gentleman on top of that. Kurt figured he probably pulled her chair out for her as well.

“No,” Tina told him. “It just said that he comes here every Wednesday with a blonde. I guess we know that’s the blonde. Could be his girlfriend, certainly isn’t a wife. There’s no marriage certificate here.”

Kurt breathed deep. “We should probably go.”

Tina looked between Kurt and the restaurant. “You don’t want to go in? Don’t you remember? We could run into him accidentally.”

“No.” He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to hurt his donor by interrupting his life. Kurt had only wanted to know more about him. He’d wanted some insight into the man who’s child he was carrying. And now he had it. David Karofsky’s stats did not do him justice. “Tina, I never wanted to meet him. And I don’t think he should know who I am. He wanted to be anonymous, and he has his reasons. I don’t get to decide those reasons aren’t good enough because I’m curious. I got what I wanted, I got the information. We should go now.”

Tina gathered up her yoghurt and asked, “Do you at least think you got something that’s going to make a difference?”

Kurt tucked the file under one arm as he and Tina made their way back to the car. “I certainly hope so. Now, I’m going to go back to work and hide this thing. There’s no way I’m taking it home. Blaine is a snooper. Even if there’s nothing to snoop for, he’ll go looking.”

“When are you going to tell him?”

“As soon as I get a chance to go through it with a fine toothed comb.” Kurt considered the weight of the file again, and asked Tina, “You sure you didn’t have to do anything unsavory to get all this. It’s a lot.”

Tina pinched him hard in the arm. “You’d better be careful. Now you have quite a few skeletons in you closet, and you know I lose my filter when I have a little too much wine.”

In response, Kurt poked her stomach. “You won’t be drinking any wine for a couple more months, lady. More if you breastfeed.”

“I can wait,” she hummed.

Kurt took her back to her apartment, but stopped in to see the girls and let Lena know that he was going to do everything he could to make sure she got into the ballet class of her dreams. It was different being surrounded by three hyper, screaming little girls. They were each pulling at him, demanding his time, grinning precious, toothless smiles up at him. They were much different from Mason who was usually self contained and a bit of a loner at times. Kurt wondered if it had anything to do with him being an only child.

And it made Kurt wonder if he’d have an outgoing child, or one that was more calm. Maybe his baby would be a born diva, or maybe the baby would be more interested in books than the arts. After seeing his donor, there was always the chance his baby would be more athletic, or want to do team things. It was impossible to predict, and fun to think about.

“See you,” Tina said with a parting wave.

Kurt waved back and headed down to his car. He felt more at peace with himself now, and more confident than ever that he’d find the information he was looking for in the packet Artie had gotten for him.

Plus, Blaine was going out of town the following week, and that meant Kurt wouldn’t have the hide the file in his office for very long. He’d have ample time to bring it home and go through it to find the best information in there. Kurt’s plan was unfolding masterfully. He couldn’t see anywhere he could go wrong.

***

Blaine left town on a Sunday morning. Kurt drove him to the airport and kissed him fondly before the baggage check-in. Kurt wound his arms around Blaine’s neck as tight as he dared and sighed as he felt Blaine’s hands at the small of his back.

It was almost one of the worst things that Kurt thought could happen, Blaine going out of town. It gave him time to look at the file, but it strained the delicate truce they had going over the baby. He thought, or at least wanted to think, that there were making a bit of progress. They were no where near where Kurt wanted to be, but at night Blaine draped over him like he’d used to do before Kurt was pregnant, and during the day they made baby steps with the nursery, which was Kurt’s real focus.

In fact, the day before Blaine had been the one to ask Kurt, “Have you decided on a color for the nursery?” He’d seemed almost shy when he’d added, “I know you’ll fret and fuss about it for months if it isn’t perfect by the time the baby gets here. And you’re very particular about that stuff.”

For a moment, Kurt hadn’t really known what to say, before venturing, “I was thinking maybe a combination of paint and wallpaper? How about a light blue background paint, and some print wallpaper over that?” It was enough to get him completely sidetracked from work, and focused back on the baby, his favorite subject. “What do you think?”

The clear hesitation on Blaine’s face told Kurt that his husband didn’t care. Not a bit. But it was surprising when he said instead, “That sounds fine. But blue and white? What if we have a girl?”

He was at the five month mark, and Doctor O’Neil had told him at his last visit that they’d have no trouble getting a look at the baby’s gender if Kurt wanted. But Blaine hadn’t been there, and Kurt didn’t want to see the baby if he wasn’t, and what if …

“Kurt, you look like you might have a panic attack.”

“What if it is a girl?” Kurt asked suddenly. What if Blaine wanted a son and they had a daughter? What if they had a boy and Blaine wanted a girl. Kurt realized he’d been so utterly caught up in the conception aspect of it all that gender had completely slipped his mind. He hadn’t even stopped to think about what he wanted.

Blaine looked confused. “Then … we have a daughter?”

“But do you want one more than the other? A son or a daughter?”

Blaine sighed. “What have I told you from the beginning?”

Kurt echoed back, “That you don’t care, as long as the baby is healthy.”

“And I don’t.” Blaine leaned over and kissed him. “If we have a boy, it’ll be little league. If it’s a girl, softball. For either they’ll take dance and join the mathletes and science club. Gender is only a small part of what person is, so why should I care?”

Kurt hadn’t thought about it since, at least not since deciding that Blaine was right. It was only gender, and a part of him was really looking forward to the surprise of it. If Blaine had wanted to know, Kurt would have scheduled the appointment the next day, but he was content to wait four more months.

“I wish you weren’t going.” Blaine needed to stay. He needed to be with Kurt and their baby, and Kurt was only just beginning to realize that. Up until a day ago he’d been excited to have Blaine go out of town so he could crack open Karofsky’s file. Now he just wanted Blaine to stay.

“You going to be okay?” Blaine asked, concern etched on his face.

Over Blaine’s shoulder Kurt could see Sebastian checking in, the taller man eyeing him with an annoyed expression.

“Oh,” Kurt said, leaning on Blaine a little more heavily, “I’m going to be okay. We both will. I’m just going to miss you.”

Blaine kissed him softly. “I’ll miss you too, but you look pale. Are you sure you’re not fibbing just so I won’t miss my plane?”

Kurt’s nose nuzzled his cheek and he promised, “I’m a little woozy, but nothing out of the ordinary. I missed breakfast this morning. I was helping you pack, remember?”

“You know I’m hopeless without you,” Blaine laughed, his nose grazing Kurt’s. “I’d pack three left shoes if I had to do it on my own. You saved me having to buy airport shoes.”

Kurt felt his stomach brush against Blaine’s, and when his husband didn’t pull away, he said, “I know you’d be lost without me. But it doesn’t change the fact that I love you, and you need to get on that plane. You’ll be gone a week, yes? That’s not that long, and you’re going to call me, right?”

“Every day,” Blaine swore. “And especially when Boston gets to be too hot, and too boring, and just mostly when I miss you.”

They parted with a final kiss as Sebastian encroached on them.

Kurt pushed playfully against Blaine and said, “Now go play lawyer with your boyfriend.”

“Very funny,” Blaine forced, then lifted his carry-on over his shoulder and squeezed Kurt’s hand. “Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

“Ready?” Sebastian asked, leveling Kurt with a squinty look of barely there tolerance. “Those of us who have actual jobs and contribute to society need to get on a plane now.”

Kurt wondered aloud, “So then why are you going?”

Blaine laughed and leaned his forehead against Kurt’s gently. “I love you. Be safe and I’ll see you in seven days.”

Kurt waved to him as Blaine headed towards the security checkpoint.

After that there were a few errands to run, but nothing at the theater that needed his attention, and he was free to go home and open Karofsky’s file.

It seemed scarier the second time around, maybe because Tina wasn’t with him. Maybe because it was just him and his little breach of privacy, and all of the good or bad that was going to come with it.

As he dove deeper into the file, pushing past the things he already knew, he came around a piece of paper he hadn’t expected to see. The clinic had prescreened for any psychological flags, but Kurt couldn’t deny that he was now looking at a record for Karofsky having attended therapy. It was dated years ago, and the sessions had only last for what looked to be six months, but still, he didn’t know what for and that was both curious and nerve wracking. Had the matter cleared itself up, or had Karofsky just stopped going?

The phone ringing was a blessed distraction, but getting over to it with his stomach was growing more difficult. He had to take the time to ease himself up off the sofa gradually, and by the time he reached the phone the answering machine was already getting it.

“I’m here!” Kurt said, trying not to sound breathless. “Sam? Is something wrong?” He’d given Sam the say off to spend with Mason, so he couldn’t imagine that it was theater related.

“Nothing,” Sam said quickly. “Actually, it’s probably the opposite. Blaine left today for Boston, right?”

Kurt slotted the phone between his ear and shoulder as the drifted towards the kitchen. He always felt hungry now. His doctor had said it was normal, and that he was free to eat when he was hungry, but that he did need to be careful about his consumption levels. And he couldn’t eat whatever he wanted. No matter how badly the cravings got for M&M pizza at three in the morning.

“I dropped him off this morning,” Kurt said, reaching for a yoghurt and the tub of cream cheese.

“Then you’re alone? Being all moody and hormonal?”

“Just being hungry,” Kurt corrected, “and trying to figure out when to hang up on you to make you the most angry.”

“Hold that,” Sam requested. “And how about you come out with Mason and I? He’s got a project he’s working on, and we need to cross the bridge. We thought you might want to go with us, and get out of the house, and maybe even have some fun.”

Kurt hooked a spoon in his mouth. “That’s really generous, Sam, but I’m actually--”

The doorbell rang.

“Actually ready to go?” Sam asked.

Kurt groaned. “I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re still at home.”

The doorbell rang again, and a tiny, muffled voice shouted, “Uncle Kurt! Open up!”

“Open the door,” Sam said over the phone. “We’ll get Chinese later.”

That was how Kurt ended up in Sam’s car, listening to Mason chatter happily about his art project for the summer, and how he needed to draw five pictures of new places he had gone in the past few months for a scrapbook.

Sam said, “It’s for that fancy academy we got him into.” Sam’s face twisted into a grimace. “He hasn’t even had a day of class and they want him doing projects.”

Kurt hid a laugh and turned to ask Mason, “So where are we going?”

Mason’s eyes ballooned. “It’s so cool Uncle Kurt! There’s all this water and it shoots out of the ground and you’re supposed to run around and not get hit and but you never make it and it’s awesome!”

“Should I have brought my bathing suit?”

Sam merged into another lane and shook his head. “Nah. And I think my son is under the impression that he’s going to play, and not to draw and color.”

Mason pouted and Kurt grinned. “I think you’re right.”

It wasn’t long before they hit a surge of traffic, just after crossing into Queens. It wasn’t anything but common for there to be traffic, whether down in the heart of the city or in the more suburban areas, but there was something uncanny about the type they were sitting in now.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked, trying to peer past the cars to get a better look.

Kurt shrugged. “Not sure. But it looks like there’s someone out there directing traffic. Maybe there’s an accident?”

A few minutes later they were close enough to see that the main street had been blocked off, and it looked as if there was a party of sorts going on. There were people everywhere, and balloons and the sweet smell of food.

Kurt’s stomach rumbled in response.

“Wow! Daddy, look!” Mason surged forward into the front of the car. “There’s face painting!”

“Mason!” Sam snapped, foot stamping a little too hard on the break in response. “Get back in your seat! You don’t ever take your seatbelt off while this car is moving, or so help me you’ll never get back in it again.”

“Sorry,” Mason mumbled. “But there’s face painting.”

Kurt’s own bottom lip jutted out playfully and he reminded, “Face painting, Sam.”

Sam groaned. “Can you even be on your feet for as long as it’s going to take to walk there after we find parking, and then actually spend some time at whatever that is?”

Kurt held up a solemn hand. “Doctor O’Neil said I’m healthy and good.”

“Are you buckled in?” Sam demanded, turning to Mason.

A click echoed through the car. “Yes, daddy.”

“Okay,” Sam gave in. “Face painting it is.”

It was a fundraiser. They had to wander a little bit in in order to figure out as much, but eventually Kurt saw the banner that proclaimed all proceeds were going towards supporting veteran after service care.

“Kurt?”

Sam touched his elbow and Kurt felt like he might cry in that moment as he tried to explain, “They’re fundraising for extra care for our veterans when they come home from war. Like Finn, Sam. Like the kind of care Finn should have gotten from his own government.”

“Hey, look.” Sam tugged a heavy and comforting arm around Kurt’s shoulders and said, “The NYFD at Station 16 is sponsoring. Must be why all the kids have little plastic fire hats and stickers.”

Mason tugged terribly hard at Sam’s pant leg and all but demanded, “I want a fire hat.”

Sam swung him up into his arms and when he had the boy balanced on his hip, he declared, “Then we’ll get you one. I think I see where we can buy them. Kurt? You coming?”

Kurt looked once more at the banner that said Fire House 16 was responsible for what he saw around him. 16. Why did that sound familiar? It sounded like he should have known where it was from, and it was nagging the life out of him. “Yes. Alright. Here I come.”

They made sure Mason had a fire hat all his own, and half a dozen stickers for his shirt. Even Kurt allowed a single, well placed sticker to make it onto his own clothing, but only after Mason’s pleading.

There was face painting and a raffle, and a clown making balloon animals that Mason just had to have one of. There was even a kissing booth with the firefighters themselves taking turns, and a dunk tank and more than enough food to go around.

Mason munched happily on a bag of cotton candy as he waited to get his face painted and Kurt tried to decide what he wanted to eat. He wasn’t really supposed to eat fried foods, and before he pregnancy he never would have had the urge, but it looked like there wasn’t anything even remotely healthy. He’d have to settle, unless he could find something better.

“Sam.” Kurt touched his shoulder to get his attention. “I’m going to go see if there’s anything better to eat. Fried food sure tastes good, and the baby loves it, but my stomach is always upset after.”

Sam frowned. “Do you need me to come with you?”

Kurt brushed him off. “I’ll just be over by the food venders. You get Mason his face painted like a tiger and meet me over there. I’ll have decided by then what I want to eat, and we can at sit down.”

Mason was pulling again at Sam’s hand and Kurt was going before Sam could decide that he needed to be chaperoned on his walk over.

But just as he suspected, everything was fried. Corn dogs, French fries, chicken, onion rings and on and on. He guessed it was too much to ask for a green salad, or a turkey sandwich. He thought it was absolutely something when his best option was looking like a hotdog.

The wind was knocked out of him as he stepped closer to the hotdog stand and collided with another person. He lost his balance and might have fallen, something that terrified him, but then large, strong hands were at his forearms and he was being held up on his feet securely.

“Sorry!” Dark green, almost hazel eyes blinked wide and apologetically at Kurt. “God, are you okay?” The man looked down at Kurt’s stomach. “Did I hurt you? We have an on site paramedic, and I used to be one. Do you need me to--”

“You--”

Kurt couldn’t breath. Not for a second, not for a minute.

Firehouse 16. That was where David Karofsky worked. And there was David Karofsky in front of him, holding onto him, worried for him, and clueless as to who Kurt was, or the fact that their little bun was in the oven and around five months done.

“No … I … I’m …”

“Yeah,” Karofsky decided. “I’m getting you to our medic.”

“No!” Kurt dug his heels in, startling the man. “No. David. I mean. I …”

Karofsky frowned at him. “Do I know you? Sorry, I’m horrible with faces. They all tend to blur together when you see as many of them as I do.”

Kurt shook his head mutely.

“Then how do you know my name?”

Kurt swallowed hard, finally finding his feet and standing on his own. He pressed a hand to his stomach, trying to stop the wild kicking, and said, “Your nametag?”

Karofsky looked down at his shirt. “Oh. You’re right. David.” He laughed nervously. “But, uh, no one calls me David. Everyone shortens it to Dave. You should, too.”

Kurt resolved to call him Dave. “So … you’re here? I mean, a firefighter? Here?” God what was wrong with him? His nerves were destroying his ability to form cognitive thought. And common sense was practically shouting at him to run the other way. He couldn’t be there, not with Dave, not talking to him like they were starting up a friendship. There were a lot of things Kurt could have, and this wasn’t one of them. It was too dangerous.

Dave smile wide. “I used to be an on call paramedic with the station. Then I switched to being a firefighter, but I might go back. I like taking care of people. It beats having to kick down doors any day.

“But I bet you’re really good at it.”

“Oh?” Dave asked, clearly amused.

“I just meant that you’re very big.” Kurt felt horrified as the words spewed from his mouth at an almost impressive rate. “By big I mean strong! Very strong! It must be easy for you, so you must be good at it!” Shut up, he berated himself, just shut up. “But of course they wouldn’t have hired you if you weren’t good, so I’m just going to stop talking now.”

Dave laughed loudly and said, “I never got your name.” Dave held out his left hand, and that caught Kurt for a second. “Only seems fair that you give it to me, considering you have mine.”

Kurt slid his own hand into Dave’s. “It’s Kurt.” He should have given a fake name. He should have kept his mouth shut. He should have never been there in the first place.

“So what’re you doing here?” Dave asked.

“Food?” Kurt asked a little stupidly.

Dave’s face went blank. “Oh. Food! Of course food. You’re hungry. It’s noon.”

At the very least, Kurt could be thankful that Dave seemed just as nervous and jumpy around him as Kurt felt he was being.

“Kurt!”

Sam caught up to him with Mason being tugged along.

“I’m a tiger!” Mason shouted, jumping around a little, making roaring sounds.

Dave gave him a thumbs up. “Good choice. You always want to be at the top of the food chain.” He knelt down a little, bringing himself eye level with the curly haired little boy. “I saw a couple of guys who had their faces painted like mice.”

Mason looked charmed by Dave right way.

“Sam,” Kurt said, clearing his throat, “this is Dave. He’s one of the firefighters here.”

“I bumped into Kurt,” Dave said apologetically. “Literally, but it was on accident. And now he’s going to let me buy him lunch.”

“Huh?”

Dave pointed at his nametag, the one that identified him as a firefighter. “I eat free. I’ve got some vouchers. Now, I’d be willing to share with you all, if you’d let me join you.”

Sam shrugged. “Sounds good to me. Right Kurt?”

Of course he thought it was a good idea. Sam just thought Dave was a nice guy who’d bumped into Kurt and was trying to make amends. He didn’t know that Dave was Kurt’s donor, or that Kurt wasn’t supposed to know that.

“That is,” Dave said, looking between Kurt, Dave and Mason (the child completely distracted by trying to search out the boys with the mice face paint), “if your boyfriend wouldn’t mind.”

Sam snorted loudly, bending forward to slap his knee.

Kurt pinched him. “Sam isn’t my boyfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend.” It just came out in a rush, like most of his words with Dave had. He had Blaine, who was better than a boyfriend, but the less Dave knew about him the better. Kurt knew he only had to suffer through one, awkward lunch, and then he’d never see Dave again. It was doable.

“Good,” Dave said, looking pleased. He lingered for a moment on Kurt’s stomach, an impossible to determine look on his face, then added, “Just let me know what you guys want and then we’ll grab a table.”

It was hotdogs for everyone, and a side of nachos for Sam who was a human garbage disposal. What made the meal bearable for Kurt was the iced tea Dave was able to track down, and the tempura. Fried food was fried, but Kurt thought maybe he could trick his brain into thinking it was okay because of the vegetable base.

When Sam asked about the fundraiser, Dave explained, “We have these about twice a year. It’s usually support for the troops the first time around, and cancer awareness the second. The community really gives a lot to us at the station, so we like to give back.”

“The community certainly did turn out,” Kurt observed. He’d nearly had to eviscerate an old lady who’d been trying to steal the table from him.

“They’re just as important to us as we are to them. The last time the budget cuts made the rounds we were looking at laying off at least five or six of our guys. We cover a lot of territory, and provide our services to a lot of people. Losing that many guys would have been huge for us. But the community rallied, and they helped raise money for salaries, and lobbied for us at city meetings, and they really did whatever it took to keep all the guys. I’m especially thankful. I probably would have been one of the guys to lose his job. I haven’t been a firefighter that long. They still call me rookie sometimes, and I’ve been around a couple of years now.”

Kurt loved the family atmosphere he saw around him. It was one of the things he lost out on by living where he and Blaine did. There was no sense of togetherness when Kurt went out on a Saturday afternoon, and there was no belief that if someone needed something, the community would pull together for it. There were only sleek lines where Kurt lived, and doormen, and overpriced boots.

The more Kurt thought about it, the more he was thinking of broaching the idea with Blaine. Kurt wanted to raise their baby in a home, not an apartment.

“So why are you guys here?” Dave asked.

“Just passing through,” Kurt said honestly. “But I wish I’d known. I would have brought a donation myself.” He had cash in his wallet and he was fully prepared to hand it all over before they left, but it didn’t feel like enough. Not when he knew Dave was fundraising for a cause that could help people like Finn.

Dave pointed out, “Mason got his face painted, and I see that you guys bought a couple raffle tickets. How about you spend a few bucks on the dunk tank and we’ll call it even.”

“No.” Kurt shook his head. “I want to donate more. Can I do it at a later date? Can I write you a check and drop it off in a few days?”

Dave frowned and Sam supplied, “Kurt’s brother served in the Army. He did two full tours before coming home. He’d had some … some issues readjusting.” Kurt appreciated the way that Sam held back, not wanting to over share.

“He joined because he wanted to serve his country, like his father did.” Kurt smiled weakly, hands folded on the table in front of him. “Finn is my stepbrother. But when he came home, something was different. He was diagnosed with PTSD and he started suffering from severe anxiety. He couldn’t seem to integrate back into the civilian life, and there wasn’t a lot of government assistance. There was some, I’m not trying to say there wasn’t any, but it wasn’t enough. I think if more people knew about what our veterans are suffering from when they come home, there’d be more help available, which is why I personally appreciate this fundraiser, and I’m going to make a bigger donation.”

“It’s hard,” Dave said, understanding in his eyes, “to watch your sibling suffer.”

“You?” Kurt asked softly.

“When you go through it yourself,” Dave conferred, “you recognize it in others.”

Dave’s fingers brushed against his on top of the table and Kurt was able to smile. “Truer words were never spoken.”

This was his donor, Kurt realized, staring at Dave fondly. This was his baby’s biological father. He’d spent a lot of time as of late contemplating that he’d made the wrong choice by choosing Dave as his donor, if only because of how he’d wanted to remain anonymous. But now, in the twenty minuets he’d spent with the man, he knew he could never think that again. Dave was the right choice. He was the perfect choice.

“Come on,” Dave said eventually, once their meal was mostly finished and Mason was starting to get fidgety. “I believe I told you that you’re obligated to buy a couple of shots at the dunk tank.”

Kurt pulled one leg over the bench to straddle it. “I don’t know, I don’t have the best hand-eye coordination. Not for things like that.”

“I want to!” Mason piped up.

“Okay, okay,” Sam promised, a hand on Mason’s head. “I’ll make sure you get to try.”

Kurt was wrestling with the best possible way to heave himself up off the low bench when suddenly Dave was there, holding a hand out to him. “It looks like you could use a little help.”

He always felt a little prickly when Blaine tried to help him up and around, as if Blaine didn’t think he could manage on his own, but the feeling was different with Dave. Dave looked like he really only wanted to help, and like he didn’t think any less of Kurt for needing it. It was a nice change.

“Sure.” He let Dave boost him up and said, “Who’s the poor soul who’s stuck in the tank?”

Dave beamed. “My shift starts in a few minutes. See you there?”

“Come on, come on!” Mason chanted, suddenly to Kurt’s side, pulling on his hand. “I want to go throw balls at Dave.”

Dave laughed as Kurt corrected, “You’re throwing the balls at a target, young man. Not at your new friend.”

Mason shrugged.

As Kurt had said, he wasn’t very good, but he had a fun time trying, especially when his third ball came precariously close to actually hitting the target and Dave clapped for him. Sam vowed to avenge his honor shortly after that, but failed as well.

“You’re wet,” Kurt remarked a few minutes later to Dave as the man climbed back up on his bench in the dunk tank.

“That’s what happens when you get dunked,” David said happily, rubbing a hand over his wet face.

Kurt grimaced a little. “Sorry about that. I’m not sure that Mason understood that if you can’t hit the target with the ball then the guy in the tank gets off.”

Dave only shrugged. “He’s just a kid. No biggie.”

Kurt had felt mortified when both he and Sam had failed to dunk Dave, and then Mason had run forward to hit the button with his hand. Everyone had laughed and Kurt had thought for sure that Dave would be angry. But he hadn’t been. And it was … well, it was something.

“Plus,” Dave said, settling himself back fully on the bench, “I like a kid who goes after he wants, even if he has to bend the rules a little. It’s a good sign he’s not going to accept things as they are when he’s older. I bet he’ll be more willing to challenge things.”

“You got all that from a splashdown?” Kurt’s fingers curled over the top of the dunk tank, fingers barely grazing the water.

“What can I say?” Dave pointed to the next person stepping up to throw. “I’m pretty good at reading kids. They’re easier to read than adults. Now step back, unless you want to get wet.”

Eventually, Kurt drifted away from Dave. There was a small petting zoo with lambs and baby goats and Mason was enamored. Kurt offered to hold their things while Sam took him through and let him touch the animals. Kurt called after them, “I have my hand sanitizer for when you finish!”

They stayed longer than Kurt expected. But eventually Mason was showing signs of sleepiness and Sam was contemplating dinner, to which Kurt was apparently invited to.

Kurt protested, “Just because Blaine’s out of town doesn’t mean you need to sit on me.”

“Eh.” Sam shrugged. “You know he asked me to keep an eye on you. Just deal with me today and then you can let me honestly tell him, when he calls of course, that I made sure you were taking it easy.”

Kurt feet were hurting as they stopped to make sure they hadn’t won anything at the raffle. “Okay,” he agreed. “But just tonight. And I’m not staying the night. Just dinner.”

“I want Spaghetti,” Mason requested.

“You want a nap,” Sam interpreted. “Come on, Kurt. I say it’s about time we got out of here.”

“Kurt! Hey, Kurt!”

It took a moment to spot Dave in the rapidly thinning crowd of people. His pants were still damp, but he’d changed his shirt and had a white towel hanging around his neck.

“Yes?” Kurt asked. He’d really hoped to slip out and away, without being noticed by Dave.

Dave was … he was all kinds of nice. Sweet and charming and real. He was easy to talk to and easier to get along with and probably the kind of guy that Kurt would have gone for in a second if he was younger and single and looking.

But the fact was Dave was his donor. And Kurt wasn’t supposed to know. Things might have been different if Kurt hadn’t known he was his donor. They might have been friends then, but now it was impossible. Kurt was too afraid he’d become attached. He was too afraid he’d say something on accident. He’d looked Dave up with the sole purpose of finding out more about his baby. And not to get involved in Dave’s life. He’d crossed some lines. He couldn’t cross them all.

Dave hesitated a moment, then asked, “Were you serious about wanting to make a larger donation for our cause today?”

“Sure I was,” Kurt told him. “I’d like to make as sizeable a donation as possible. Obviously I can’t fund it all by myself, but I can help. If you could give me the account number of where I can send my donation, I can get that to you as soon as tomorrow.”

“I can do you one better.” Dave looked so pleased. “That is, if you like getting dressed up. And something tells me you do.”

“Okay,” Kurt admitted. “Now I’m interested.”

Dave made a sweeping gesture towards the fundraiser that was winding down. “This was mostly for the community. A summer party for a good cause, if you will. We’re not really raising the big bucks here, it’s just to show our appreciation. But on Wednesday night we’re having a more formal gathering. It’s nothing huge, just cocktails and a little mingling, but it’s for our more … affluent benefactors. It’s a black tie event. If you’re serious about making a larger than average donation, you may want to consider going.”

Sam chuckled. “You had him at formalwear. He loves getting dressed up.”

“Truthfully,” Dave said, “the parties always get a little stuffy. But I think with you there, I might not fall asleep into my drink.”

It was a bad idea. It was such a bad idea that Kurt couldn’t believe he was considering it for a second. But Dave looked so earnest, and so hopeful. And it was for a good cause. It was for a cause that Kurt more than valued. If he went, it was a chance to make his donation, and make a difference, and there was only a matinee show at the theater on Wednesday.

“Okay,” Kurt admitted. At the very least then he’d have more of a chance to talk to talk to Dave. There couldn’t be any harm in talking. Not if it was just talking. He’d just have to be careful. He could be careful. “Let me give you my information and you can send me an invoice.”

Dave’s face lit up. “Great. I’m really … I’m really glad you’re coming with me. I mean to the event! I mean I’ll be there, and so will you, and--”

“Dave,” Kurt said kindly. “I’ll see you then.”

Sam waited until they were back in the car to exclaim, “Damn, Kurt. Like a boss.”

Kurt burst out laughing. “What does that mean?”

Sam deadpanned at him. “He was totally into you!”

“What?” Kurt balked. Dave had certainly seemed nervous around him, maybe a little twitchy, but he hadn’t made any overt advances, and he certainly hadn’t hit on Kurt outright. There was absolutely not evidence. “And more important, what makes you think I’d be interested!”

“I didn’t say that,” Sam pointed out. “But seriously, he was way into you, and you didn’t exactly do anything to dissuade him.”

“We are not talking about this.” Kurt held up his left hand sharply. “I’m married.” Then he froze, looking at his bare ring finger.

Sam asked, “Where’s your wedding ring?”

Kurt fumbled a little, then grasped at the chain around his neck and pulled it free from under his shirt. There was a perfectly circular ring looped through it. He explained, “My hands started to swell last week. Stress and regular pregnancy. Doctor O’Neil said the swelling will go down once I have the baby, but I can’t get my ring on right now, and I didn’t want to go anywhere without it.”

Mason gave a soft snore from his booster seat in the back and Sam smiled gently before saying quietly, “I bet you anything that guy saw your hand without the ring and took it as the go ahead.”

Kurt poked himself in the stomach. “What about this? No one would want to date a guy who was pregnant with another guy’s kid.” Never mind that it was actually Dave’s baby. No one ever got to know that.

“I don’t know.” Sam shrugged a little as he put on his seatbelt and started the car. “I love Mercedes to the point that if Mason had been anyone else’s I probably still would have married her. In fact I know I would have.”

“It’s not the same.” Kurt shook his head. “And I think you’ve got a wild imagination. I guess that’s where Mason gets it from.”

“I’m not the one who agreed to go to a party with him.”

“It’s a charity event!”

Sam was silent for a moment, then said, “You know I’m just messing with you, right? I know you love Blaine. I know you’d never cheat on him.”

“Especially not with a guy I just met,” Kurt told him pointedly. Not with the only guy who wasn’t supposed to ever exist to him.

“But just for the record, you did totally agree to be his date. No matter what, you did.”

Kurt groaned and palmed his face. “It wasn’t supposed to come out that way.”

As they pulled up to a red light Sam took his hand off the wheel to pat Kurt gently on the back. “How you get yourself into these situations so easily I’ll never know. Now, how about Mexican for dinner? Or what did we agree on earlier? Chinese?”

Kurt groaned again.

***

The invoice came the next day and after that Kurt had two days to worry about what to wear and what to say and if he wanted to even show up. But mostly he thought about how it was such a horrible idea to begin with. There were a million things that could go wrong, and a million more ways he could mess up. He couldn’t go.

But it was for such a good cause, and the invoice fee had only covered the entrance into the event. There was still his check to deliver at the actual party. He’d need to be there in person to do it, and there was no getting around that. So if he didn’t go, the firehouse didn’t get the extra boost in money.

It was bad enough Blaine was going to notice a significant chunk of money gone from their joint account when the bank called them about the unverified recipient.

“I’m not going,” Kurt told himself firmly, staring down at Dave’s file. “It’s a bad idea and I’m not going.”

And then he bought a new suit, booked a day at the spa the morning of, and resigned himself that no matter what he said, he was going.

In the end he abandoned his suit, horrified at the way it drew prominence to his stomach, and chose a pair o his specially tailored pregnancy dress slacks, a white collated shirt and a nice skinny black tie. He studied himself in the mirror before he left, finally happy with his appearance and trying to fight off the nervousness that still wanted to take hold of him.

“You can do this,” he told himself. Then he reached for his car keys and headed out the door.

The event was being held at the firehouse, which Kurt honestly thought was all kinds of cool. He was pretty sure that all children, and even adults who weren’t children anymore, had a fascination with firefighters in the same way that they had them with police. The chance to be in a real fire house, and see everything, and maybe touch some of it, was exciting. That was something Kurt was looking forward to, at least as long as there wasn’t a call while the party was going on.

Kurt was able to find parking fairly quickly, which only served to remind him of the difference between Manhattan and Queens, but he ended up standing next to his car for a good while, watching the firehouse at a distance. He felt absolutely terrible, and not only because it seemed like he was stringing Dave along, be it with friendship or anything else, but also because he’d lied to Blaine earlier and said he was going over to Tina’s that night to watch a couple movies and have a few virgin drinks.

What kind of a person did that? Who lied to their husband about their whereabouts if they didn’t already know it was wrong?

Kurt grunted and started off towards the firehouse. He couldn’t believe the situations he let himself get into so easily. He obviously had no sense of self preservation.

Kurt handed his invitation to the man at the door and stepped into the well furnished and nearly filled firehouse. He’d expected a little bit, despite the formal gathering, to find signs of a few dozen men living together for days at a time. But instead the hardwood floors were shinning, everything smelled great, and if Kurt hadn’t seen the large doors attached to the firehouse open to show off the fire trucks when he walked up, he never would have guessed it was a firehouse.

It was always awkward going to a charity event when he didn’t really know anyone. He’d contemplated bringing Sam with him, or even a female date just so he wouldn’t have to maintain the bulk of the conversation, but in the end he’d been afraid if he did bring a date, he’d have to stay for longer than he wanted to. The last thing he wanted to do was hang around.

Kurt brought his check to the back to the firehouse where a donation station had been setup. There was a masculine but welcoming looking woman guarding it, dressed in her uniform and looking more than a little uncomfortable.

“Excuse me?” Kurt ventured, have to squeeze past a few people to get up to the front. “Is this where I can drop off my donation?” And then he’d be able to leave, and say that he did his part, and claim that he made a difference. Even if he took the coward’s way out.

“Yeah, kid,” she said, ginning at him. “Right here.”

Her nametag said Beiste, and he was particularly stunned to see the notation of captain next to her name.

“You’re the captain?” he asked, feeling a little foolish.

“Yep.” She rocked back on the heels of her feet. “Try not to look so surprised.”

“No. No.” Kurt shook his head a little frantically. “I think that’s amazing.” He leaned forward a little and asked, “How do you handle having so many men you have to control?”

He held out his check to her and she assured him, “You just gotta think like they do. That’s all. And maybe break some necks.”

“I like you,” Kurt declared with a toothy grin. “You’re great.”

She looked down at his check, grinned back and said, “I like you too, kid.”

“Kid?” Kurt burst out laughing. “The only person who still calls me that is my father, and even now it’s getting hard for him to do it.”

“Kurt!”

There were a few sudden, muffled protests, and then Dave was squeezing by in the same way that Kurt had come. And wow, he was in uniform too, dark blue material with sharp white lines, silver buttons and all kinds of details that Kurt found aesthetically pleasing. Dave looked great. Better than great.

“I made it,” Kurt offered a little weakly. He left out the part that if Dave hadn’t shown up at that exact moment, he’d have been on his way to the door.

“You did,” Dave said brightly. “And hey, look at you, you clean up really nice.”

“So do you. I like your uniform.” Kurt could never lie about it, there was something about a man in a uniform that did it for him.

Beiste asked, “Hey, Karofsky, he come with you?”

Kurt made to say no, but then Dave was answering, “I may have talked him into being here.”

She exclaimed, “Biggest donation so far! We’re keeping him!” And then she leaned over the table to pat Kurt on the back firmer than he’d expected. It rattled him a little, but it seemed like Dave had expected it, and he had a hand on Kurt’s elbow steadying him easily.

Dave led him across the firehouse to a part that wasn’t so packed, and was a little astonished as he said, “I wasn’t completely sure that you’d come. I mean, I knew you’d make a donation, I believed you about that, but I wasn’t sure you’d come in person.”

“I said I would,” Kurt told him. “Plus, I think like all little boys, I have an unexplainable love for firemen. It must be the trucks. I always wanted to open one up and work on it. I would have given an arm for that chance when I was younger.”

Dave peered at him for a moment, then questioned, “Wait … you wanted to work on a fire truck? Didn’t most kids just want to ride in one?”

Kurt shrugged. “When I was a kid, growing up, my dad was a mechanic. He had his own shop and everything. Don’t get me wrong, I like dressing up, and I like having nice things, but working on a car is pretty soothing to me. I haven’t done it in ages, but it’s the one thing that I have that clears my mind. I miss it, actually.”

“I can imagine you in a pair of those blue coveralls, now that I think about it.”

Kurt pointed to his own stomach.. “Maybe not with this. I’m not sure how far over a car I could lean with this speed bump, but you never know.”

“Why haven’t you done it in a while?” Dave asked and then guided Kurt over to a special table where he handed Kurt a glass of amber liquid and promised, “Don’t worry, I knew you wouldn’t be able to drink. You and I are having some very nice sparkling cider, and no one but us will be any wiser about it.”

Kurt gave him a fond look. “You didn’t have to sacrifice too.”

Dave shrugged. “I’m not that big of a drinker anyway. And you didn’t answer my question. Why haven’t you worked on a car for a while? If it means so much to you, and it helps calm you, shouldn’t you find the time?”

“It’s not that simple,” Kurt sighed. “Especially with work right now. Plus, where would I work on a car? I have a loft in Manhattan. I don’t even have a driveway or a garage.”

“No lawn?” Dave made a face.

Kurt shook his head. “There’s a nice view, though. I like to look at the city skyline at night. Everything sparkles and shines. Plus, you can’t beat the sight you get in the morning when the sun is just coming up and everything is yellow and pink and … why are you looking at me like that?”

Dave set his glass aside. “It’s just …” He shook his head. “It’s been a long time since I heard anyone say that they’ve taken the time to appreciate something like a sunrise. That doesn’t really happen, not in this city. Maybe more here, in Queens, but not in Manhattan.”

“Not everyone in Manhattan is as stuck-up and stuffy as you want to believe.” Kurt laughed. “Just most people.”

“Hey,” Dave suggested, holding out a white gloved hand, “You like great views, right?” When Kurt nodded, he followed up with, “Are you okay to climb stairs?”

Kurt put his hand in Dave’s. “I’m very healthy actually.”

“Then come on.” Dave tugged. “I want to show you something.”

They climbed two flights of stairs. Kurt only had to stop to catch his breath once and Dave waited patiently while he did. And then they broke out onto the roof of the building, and Kurt could almost see the whole of Queens. It was different from Manhattan, or any of the other part of New York, but just as beautiful, and the lights were just as mesmerizing.

“Wow,” Kurt remarked, making his way to the edge of the building. “This is great.”

“We’re not supposed to come up here,” Dave explained, following after him, “but I do it all the time. It’s a good place to come and think. I like having my space. I live with a lot of guys, and share almost everything with them, but when I come up here, it’s just for me, and I don’t have to talk to anyone to deal with anyone. It’s a little slice of paradise.”

Kurt gestured to the lawn chair with the beach blanket, beach ball, umbrella, and cooler set up at the far corner. “I can tell.”

“Don’t judge me.”

Kurt swore not to, and then leaned against the railing of the roof and admitted, “I can see why you come up here. It’s really peaceful.”

“It’s summer.” Dave joined him, their elbows brushing. “Try coming out here in November. Sometimes I think I’m going to lose a few fingers up here. Plus, I try not to be up here for very long. It takes too long to get down if there’s a call.”

“Do you think we should get back?” Kurt asked, gesturing down to the party. “That sparkling cider was amazing.”

Dave chuckled. “I think they’ll survive without us, unless you want me to introduce you to some of the guys. I wouldn’t suggest all of them, at least not all at once, but there are a couple of mellow guys I think you’d get along with.”

Kurt shrugged. He felt calm and safe with Dave, and had no reason to move. Dave was easy to talk to, easy to open up to, and easy to spend time with.

But he had to ask, “Dave, I got the feeling before that you’re partly responsible for these fundraisers, or at least the direction they take.”

“We’ve been fundraising since forever,” Dave said, “since well before I was a firefighter, and probably since this station opened up. But I guess I kind of push the boys towards my preferred targets. If I didn’t I think they’d just wanted to do breast cancer every year. It’s a great cause, but I want us to make sure a bunch of organizations get proper attention.”

Kurt frowned for a moment in thought, then asked, “Does the firehouse ever partner with anyone else for their charity causes?”

“Once or twice.” Dave supposed. “It’s not common, though. Why?”

Kurt touched Dave’s arm. “I work for a production company in Manhattan. We’re on Broadway at our theater, but we mostly specialize in new, up and coming productions. I’m responsible for costume design and manufacture.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“I was thinking,” Kurt told him, “the theater is always looking for good publicity. I mean, we do want to help, but my superiors will see it in more … self-serving terms. The theater usually takes on a cause once a production, and supports it through ticket sales and special events and charity functions like this one. Maybe the firehouse and the theater could team up.”

Dave proposed, “Maybe we could do something like, if people buy a ticket to see a show, they can come bring their kids to check out the fire station, and maybe sit in a fire truck or something. I’m sure I could run it by Beiste, and maybe throw in some fire safety education to make it more appealing to her. We’re always looking for new ways to get people informed.”

Kurt held up a solemn hand. “I keep all of the batteries in my fire detectors in the apartment fully charged and I have them changed when they start to beep at me.”

Suspiciously, Dave asked, “You have them changed? Do you even know how to do it yourself?”

Kurt huffed and crossed his arms over his bump. “I do, thank you very much. I just don’t tend to spend a lot of time at home.”

“Alright, if that’s what you want to use as you excuse, I’ll buy it.”

“It’s true!” Kurt hit him playfully on the arm. “I wake up, have my coffee, go to wok, and spend most of my day there. Sometimes I fall asleep in my office.”

“Should you be doing that in our condition?” Dave made to touch his stomach, probably out of instinct, but he drew back at the last second and looked apologetic.

“What?” Kurt asked, almost startled. “What’s wrong?”

Dave’s fingers twitched a little as he held them down by his side. “Sorry. I was going to … but then I remembered when my cousin Kate was pregnant, and this lady in the supermarket grabbed her stomach while she was eight months along.”

“What happened?”

“Well, my cousin was always a little volatile, and pregnancy just made it worse. So after several months of people touching her stomach without asking, she just snapped. She broke three fingers. There was talk of a lawsuit for a while.”

Kurt visibly winced. He was thankful he was only just beginning to show, at least enough to get noticed as being pregnant, and not as simply having put on a little extra weight. It likely wouldn’t be long before people wanted to touch him, and did so without asking first. He wasn’t looking forward to it. But neither did he think he was going to break any fingers. Though it was hard to tell. His mood swings were getting worse.

“Hey, no,” Kurt found himself saying, reaching for Dave. “You can touch. I won’t break any fingers.”

Dave deserved to get to feel his child, even if he’d never know it was his. Kurt had let less deserving people touch him as of late, including Rachel Berry who’d copped an unwanted feel and then played it off like he’d asked her to.

When Blaine touched his stomach he was tentative and Kurt could tell uncomfortable. But Dave? Dave touched like he couldn’t have been more comfortable with anything else in the world. His hand rested firmly on Kurt’s swell, and the searching look on his face said he was waiting to see if there’d be any movement. He looked like he was hoping to feel the baby.

“Wait for it,” Kurt told him, voice soft and quiet. “The baby isn’t a big mover just yet, but it’s awake. You just have to wait for it.”

When the baby finally did kick, something that had Kurt leaning forward into Dave’s palm, it was strong and forceful and induced matching smiles on Kurt and Dave’s faces.

“Wow. There it is!” Kurt exclaimed. “Someone’s putting on a show.”

“Boy or girl?” Dave asked, following the kicks across Kurt’s linen covered stomach.

Kurt smiled and admitted, “I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to wait until the birth to see. It makes it a little more interesting, doesn’t it?” Of course it made the nursery that much harder to decorate, but Kurt loved a challenge.

“Yo! Karofsky! You up here?”

Kurt turned toward the roof door as a dark skinned man’s head popped through. His head was buzzed and he wore an identical uniform to Dave.

“I think he’s one of yours,” Kurt mumbled as Dave’s hand dropped from his stomach.

Dave called out, “Need something, Az?”

The man eyed them both of a minute, then called out, “The Captain wants everyone downstairs so she can make her toast. Then we’re going to have the silent auction, too.”

With a drop in his shoulders, Dave said, “I guess we have to get back down there. I was kind of hoping to show you around. Though I think you’re going to have to pass on sliding down the fire pole.”

“I don’t know I’d fit,” Kurt laughed.

They made it back to the party just as the Captain was thanking them for coming and Kurt raised his recovered cider to her in appreciation when everyone else saluted. Dave stood next to him, an actual flute of champagne in one hand, and the other at the small of his back.

There was an auction after the toast and Kurt ended up buying a spa package that he planned to give to Tina as her push present. When he explained why he’d bough it to Dave, the man only looked confused and asked, “What’s a push present?”

Kurt joked, “Obviously you’ve never been a father.” As Dave nodded earnestly, Kurt felt his insides twist in sudden anxiety. It was a terribly thing to say, especially since he didn’t really know if anyone else had selected Dave as a donor. Kurt couldn’t say how long he’d been a donor. But he had a pretty good idea that Dave would only consider himself a father to the children he was aware of, the ones that he raised and loved, and that wouldn’t be Kurt’s baby.

“What’s a push present?” Dave asked him to explain.

Kurt rolled his eyes a little at the whole notion. “It’s the present your significant other buys you for pushing the baby out, or having it in general. That’s why it’s called a push present. I’ve already decided I’m buying myself something out of the Taylor Collection as my push present.”

“Shouldn’t your partner be buying you the push present?”

Kurt shrugged. “You can buy yourself a push present. It’s not just significant others, only usually. And I’ve been there for my friend Tina during all of her pregnancies. I’m godfather to two of her daughters, and she’s threatening to name the fourth after me. I always get her a push present. It’s more of a tradition now than anything else.”

“So friends can get friends push presents?”

Kurt nodded. “Of course.”

Dave eyed his stomach. “Good to know.”

Another round of drinks went around, along with some food, but it wasn’t long before Kurt’s feet began to ache, his back protested and he was growing tired. He had to tell Dave honestly, “I think it’s time for me to go. I was up early this morning.”

Dave nodded right away and said, “Let me tell the Captain where I’m going and then I’ll walk you out to your car. I doubt you took a taxi from Manhattan out to here.”

“No. I’m fine, Dave. I parked less than a block away.” Kurt didn’t want Dave to leave the party, especially since there was still so much of it left to go. And he was perfectly capable of walking himself half a block in a well lit area to his car. He even had his pepper spray if needed.

Dave scoffed. “Hang on a second, okay? Wait for me here.”

Kurt waited. He couldn’t not.

Dave was gone only a couple of minutes before he was back and guiding Kurt from the firehouse. He leaned down to mumble into Kurt’s ear, “The Captain wants you to know that she really likes you. Maybe she just likes your check. Anyway, I told her I wanted to give you a tour of the station sometime and she said I could invite you back when you have the time off. And maybe, if we play our cards right, I could get the Captain to pop the hood of one of the trucks.”

“Don’t get my hopes up too high,” Kurt said wistfully.

“Where’d you park?”

Kurt pointed out his car and it was a short walk to it, with Kurt reminded, “I would have been fine all by myself.”

Dave only shrugged. “You probably would have, and this is still a good neighborhood after dark, but you don’t want to take any chances, do you?”

The baby kicked, reminding Kurt, and he could only agree.

“So …” Kurt let out when he had the car door open and was ready to go. “Tonight was pretty fun. I was nervous about coming, but I had a good time. Thank you for extending me an invitation.”

“Thanks for you donation,” Dave shot back. “Not everyone is as giving as you, and not everyone has as much to give.”

Now came the awkwardness and the not knowing what to say. For all Kurt knew, it would be the last time he saw Dave. He certainly didn’t plan to continue to be in his life, no matter how much he liked the man. No, he had to cut loose when he could. Blaine would be home in half a week, and the baby would be born in four months. Dave didn’t fit in anywhere between those two things, or after for that matter.

“I better go.” Kurt felt like he was holding onto the door for dear life.

“Wait!” Dave cried, lurching forward a little. “Um. Were you … were you serious about the firehouse maybe working together with the theater?”

“Yes.” Kurt nodded. “The theater is always looking to make a good name for itself. And good publicity, the kind that comes with a charitable cause, it actually quite priceless. I’ll run the idea by a couple of people and get back to you. I can reach you at the information you sent on the invoice, right?”

Dave looked mute for a second, before saying, “Actually, I was kind of hoping you’d let me take you out for lunch. You can pick where and when! And we can talk about that! Or whatever you want. It’s up to you.”

Was Dave … asking him out? Sam had teased him that Dave was into him, and granted, Kurt had never been very good at picking up subtle signs that someone was interested in him, but this didn’t sound like any of that. It honestly sounded like Dave was actively involved in a charitable cause that was near and dear to Kurt’s heart. It sounded like they’d be getting together for a business lunch, though maybe just as much for good company. Kurt couldn’t deny he and Dave were on the fast track to becoming good friends.

“Lunch?” Kurt asked.

“Just a suggestion,” Dave said morosely, sounding resigned to failure.

He had to think for a moment, but then he told Dave, “The rest of the week is pretty full up for me. If this night had been any other, I wouldn’t have been able to go. But how about next week? Monday? Maybe I should be asking about your schedule. I know you work crazy hours.”

Dave promised right away, “I can get Monday off.”

“Okay.”

Dave beamed at him. “Okay.”

Kurt slid slowly into his car and smiled up at Dave reminding, “I don’t want to hit you. You’re going to have to step back.”

Still grinning from ear to ear, Dave took a full step back and let Kurt close the door. The car turned over with a purr and Kurt slid the window down, questioning, “Are you really willing to come all the way to Manhattan just for a lunch?”

Dave crossed his arms across his chest, his uniform pulling in a sinful way that showed off his powerful arms. “Maybe you should come back out to Queens. Of the two neighborhoods, clearly I have the better.”

Kurt snorted a laugh. “You keep right on dreaming. And if you’ll note, I’m out here tonight. I’m pretty sure that means you owe me a trip, and not he other way around.”

Dave’s head dipped. “Okay. Fair enough. You’ve got my e-mail from the invoice. Let me know when and where and I’ll be there.”

There was only a wave left to give Dave, and then Kurt was on his way back home.

The doorman greeted Kurt as the passed through and Kurt couldn’t help the look on his face. He’d had a really good time, mostly because of Dave, if not wholly. He’d been apprehensive about going, and worried about the circumstances, but Dave had made it easy and fun and the night had gone nearly flawless. If he had to be truthful, it was the most fun out he’d had in a while, and it was a firm reminder that he never enjoyed himself quite as much whenever he had to go to one of Blaine’s functions.

Speaking of, the home phone was ringing as Kurt opened the door, and when Kurt was close enough he could see the caller ID flashing Blaine’s name. He pulled at his tie, freeing his neck from it as he lifted the phone and greeted, “Hey you.”

“Hi. Where’ve you been?”

Kurt frowned. “Out? Remember? How has your day been so far?”

“Boring,” Blaine slid out, his voice higher than normal. “I miss you. I wish you were here. It’s lame here. You would totally make this a million times better. You come next time, okay? Yeah, that sounds good. As long as you promise not to bitch at me about anything. You are so good at that.”

Kurt sighed. “Blaine Anderson, you’ve been drinking.”

“So?”

“So,” Kurt drawled, “you know I hate it when you get drunk.” He cradled the phone for a second, then asked, “You always drink too much when you’re stressed. Are things not going as well as you’d like?”

“Fucking Holt,” Blaine seethed. “He’s making everything difficult.”

“I’m sorry.” Kurt took the cordless into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door, hunting for something to drink. “Anything I can do?”

Blaine huffed, “No. But it would have been nice if you’d been there the first five times I called.”

“Blaine.” Kurt leaned back against the cabinets and tried to keep his temper in check. “I let you know ahead of time that I was going to be out for the night. And I did leave my cell phone on. If you wanted to get in touch with me, you could have.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be going out. You’re supposed to be pregnant, aren’t you?”

“Pregnant,” Kurt snapped, “not paralyzed or an invalid. I have a job and I have a life and I don’t know why that’s bothering you all the sudden. Is it just the alcohol talking?”

“I just had a few beers,” Blaine snapped.

“That doesn’t sound like a few beers.”

“Look.” Kurt could hear the venom in Blaine’s voice. “You’re not my daddy, Kurt. Don’t try and police my drinking habits. Especially when you’re not here helping, and instead you’re going out with friends and having a great old time. Did it ever occur to you that my job is hard? It’s hard and it’s stressful, but I do what I have to, to support your fucking shoe collection and this kid of yours.”

Kurt slammed his glass down on the countertop. “I’m hanging up now. You’re drunk and you’re belligerent and you always get this way.”

Blaine chided, “Oh yes, go ahead, hang up. Take the coward’s way out. You don’t worry, Kurt, you don’t have to listen to anything you don’t want to hear.”

“I don’t have to listen to your drunken ramblings,” Kurt corrected. “Especially when they’re rude and hurtful.”

Blaine hissed, “You’re such a bitch.”

Kurt ended the call, remarking, “And you didn’t used to be such an asshole.”

He tossed the phone across the apartment with practiced ease even as it rang again. He was in no mood to deal with Blaine, drunk or sober. Not after having such a good night with Dave. He couldn’t possibly let Blaine sour that.

The phone rang several more times, all of which Kurt ignored, before it finally ceased and Kurt made his way to the bedroom. The baby was unusually active, kicks getting stronger every day, as Kurt went through his nighttime routine, changing clothes and tending to his skin.

There was a late night rendition of his exchange with Finn after that, where Kurt listened to his brother on speaker while he turned down the bed and move around in an increasingly difficult way due to his stomach. When Finn asked, “Something sounds like it’s bothering you?” Kurt replied that everything was fine and resolved not to mention any of his worries or problems to Finn. Mostly out of fear that Finn would tell their father. The last thing Kurt wanted was the family to think that he and Blaine were having any troubles.

Finn told Kurt about his ongoing therapy sessions, and how well they seemed to be going, and then said, “I’ve also been talking to Julie. She wants me to come see Sammy at the end of the month. For her birthday.”

“Excited?” Kurt asked with a grin.

“Yep.” Kurt could practically imagine the smile on Finn’s face. His brother added, “Actually, she wants everyone out there. Even you, though she understands that your work is demanding. And actually, she says that Sammy has been dying to see Broadway for about a year now, ever since you sent her that book on the history of it. The one with the giant, glossy pictures? Anyway, when I go out for Sammy’s birthday, we’re going to talk about them taking a vacation to New York, maybe with me, to see you and Broadway and everything else.”

“That sounds great,” Kurt said earnestly. And at least something was going well for someone. “Listen, Finn, I hate to cut this short, but I’m feeling pretty tired tonight. I just really want to lie down and try and rest. I have to go to the theater early tomorrow morning.”

Finn was happy enough to let him go and Kurt hadn’t been lying. The morning sickness had all but vanished in his second trimester, but he was still plagued with bouts of tiredness that came out of nowhere at times, and forced him to rest when he needed it. It was also late and night and he had been up early that morning.

“Calm down,” Kurt told his stomach as he eased himself onto the bed. “I know you’re all worked up because daddy had to use his mad voice on your idiot of a father who’s had one cocktail too many and likes to pretend like I’ll believe him when he says it was only beer, but everything’s okay now.” He stroked a hand across the pulled skin. “I know you had a nap a few hours ago, but I’m tired now, so I need you to be tired too, because we have to get up early tomorrow. So settle down and let me sleep. There’s going to be coffee in it for you tomorrow if you make it happen.”

Remarkable, the kicks tapered out, and as Kurt leaned back on his pillows, he whispered to the baby, “I think you’re going to be a genius. Ha! And Blaine thought I was wasting my time with all that Mozart!”

***

Kurt couldn’t say for sure what happened. All he knew was that when Blaine came home from his trip to Boston, in a cab and with Kurt certainly not waiting up for him, things were different. They were different and they were worse than when Blaine had left. The distance between them that had been a wedge in the form of a baby had jumped to the size of the grand canyon, and whereas Blaine had been reluctant to touch him before, he absolutely avoided him like he was diseased now.

The only conclusion was that something had happened, and Kurt just didn’t know what. At first he’d suspected that their fight over the phone the past week had been worse than he’d realized. Sometimes Blaine internalized his emotions, and it wasn’t until later that Kurt realized they were even hurt. So maybe it was that.

He tried to broach with Blaine one evening, “Are you still upset that we fought while you were in Boston? I was upset you were drinking, but you were right, I’m not here to parent you and I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” He didn’t exactly think he was solely at fault, but he also wanted to resolve whatever the issue was between them as fast as possible. Even if it meant taking the fall to get it done.

“What? No. Kurt, I don’t know how much I had to drink, but I don’t even remember the call. Was I a total dick?”

Slowly Kurt nodded. “But it’s okay.” It wasn’t, but he couldn’t very well bring up a subject that Blaine had no knowledge of.

“Listen,” Blaine told him, laptop tucked under his arm, “about Boston, nothing went the way it was supposed to and we’re pulling double time at the office now. I don’t think you’re going to see much of me for at least a while”

Kurt wasn’t surprised to hear that. What he was surprised over was the fact that it didn’t seem to bother him nearly as much as he expected. In fact, it didn’t bother him at all. He only shrugged and said, “Sure,” and went about his business. It was worrying.

The silver lining in everything seemed to be the fact that he had much more time to devote to Dave. They’d gone to lunch as planned, and had such a great time that Kurt had gone back to the firehouse afterwards for a proper tour. He’d met most of the guys on shift, liked all of them, and fit in seamlessly in a way that had never happened before. Such a positive experience had led right away to Kurt inviting Dave out for coffee at his favorite nook and cranny shop, and then Dave insisting that Kurt go with him to a baseball game.

Dave explained, “It’s classic Americano, Kurt. You can’t possibly tell me you’ve never been to a game and then expect me to be okay with that.”

Kurt gave him a bland look. “Once in a while my father would talk me into going along with him and Finn to an Ohio State game. Mostly that involved them being loud and unruly, and me freezing my butt off in the dead of winter. Winter in Ohio is not a fun thing, by the way.”

But Dave had insisted, and he hadn’t taken no for an answer, and Kurt had ended up seated down behind the catcher’s mound with a baseball cap on his head and a soda in one hand. The hat destroyed his perfect hair, and the soda was hot after only a few minutes, but amidst all that, it was actually fun.

Dave explained the game to him, and what the rules were, and the people surrounding him were enthusiastic and playful. There were chants and the wave and even some good natured heckling. During the seventh inning stretch they sang ‘Take me out to the Ball Game’ and Dave bought them a bag of peanuts to split.

“You’re doing it wrong,” Dave told him playfully when he realized that Kurt was cracking the shells open and dumping them in the bag he’d designated as trash.

“Doing it wrong?” Kurt looked from the bag of peanuts to Dave. “I wasn’t aware you could eat peanuts the wrong way.”

Dave laughed and reached for a peanut. He popped it open, ate the peanut, and then shucked the shell onto the ground.

“That is disgusting,” Kurt said, but without bite.

“It’s how you’re supposed to do it,” Dave insisted, repeating the process. “They come in after every game and hose the place down, if that’s what you’re worried about. But the whole point is that you kick back and have some fun and you don’t worry about being proper or not getting anything dirty. Now try.”

Kurt had to admit, it was a little fun. It was hard to break old habits, but he got the hang of it, and he was proud of the way Dave flashed him a bright smile and a congratulations on becoming an official baseball participant.

By the ninth the home team was down by two and Dave explained it was their last shot to win. He said, “If our guys don’t pull something out of their hats, we’re finished. It’s early in the season, but it’s important to get off to a good start. There’s such a thing as momentum in baseball, and it makes all the difference in the world.”

Everyone around them was getting to their feet, chanting and cheering and Kurt requested, “Help me up too?”

Dave hoisted him up easily and kept an arm tucked around Kurt’s shoulders. When he realized the side look Kurt was giving him, he defended, “Win or lose, the crowd is going to go crazy. You’ll thank me for helping you keep your balance after.”

The crowd did go crazy.

Kurt questioned as they made their way out of the stadium, Dave acting like a brick wall to anyone who tried to push into Kurt and disrupt his often shaky balance, “But I don’t understand. We lost. The home team lost. So why aren’t you more upset?”

Dave smiled and said in a cheesy way, “Winning is great, Kurt. Everyone loves to win, but it’s better that we had a great time and hung out with some awesome fans and we’re leaving in a good mood.” He barked out a laugh. “We’re Mets fans, Kurt. Not Yankee fans. Winning isn’t everything. If we can go home and say that we had the best time we could have had, that’s all that matters. And there will be plenty more games. We’ll win some of those. No biggie.”

Kurt had to admit, “I still don’t really like the game, but I did have a good time.”

In retrospect, the baseball game had provably been the opening of the flood gates.

Dave took Kurt to the Baseball Hall of Fame, and then when both Kurt and Dave realized they’d never been, they took the ferry out to visit the Statue of Liberty, and Ellis Island, and all of the touristy spots that as New Yorkers they never really went to. And in return, after being forced to endure Dave promising to take Kurt to a Rangers game once the hockey season started up, Kurt took Dave to the Met. “We’ll get a little culture into you yet,” he laughed, pinching Dave when he made a face. “And just so you know, I also have season tickets to the New York Ballet Company. You’re going to love the ballet, Dave.”

In some ways, probably all the wrong ones, considering what his friendship with Dave was built upon, Dave began to fill the void that Blaine had left in him. Blaine only continued to pull away, and have absolutely no time for him, and coupled with Sam focusing on Mason, Tina focusing on the last trimester of her pregnancy, and the rest of his friends tied up in their personal lives, Dave became his crutch to an extent. They spent most of their free time together, had lunch together at least a few times a week, and while fear spiked at the back of his mind as to what he was getting himself into, Kurt couldn’t imagine not having Dave in his life.

He certainly wasn’t willing to give the friendship up just yet. And the longer it went on, the less likely he was beginning to think he would eventually. His mind began to shift away from trying to make a clean break, and towards the temptation of trying to have his family with Blaine, and keep Dave in his life.

It was a foolish thought, but one he was moving ever closer to attempting.

And then the inevitable happened. Dave, who had never pushed for anything, or rushed him, or implied that he wanted anything more than Kurt was willing to give, began to want more.

“You want to know all these things,” Dave said at their typical Sunday morning brunch, right before Dave went in to pull his regular sixteen hour shift, “because obviously I am an amazing person, but I sort of realized, I don’t know much about you. We go all these places and spend all this time together, and you ask almost all the questions. I give all the answers.”

Kurt felt flushed right away, with his skin prickling and his heart a little achy at the presented threat. “You are pretty amazing.”

“Flatterer.” Dave leaned across the small table and stole half of Kurt’s muffin, defending, “You know you weren’t going to eat that half anyway. You just ordered it so I wouldn’t get on you about not eating enough carbs.”

“The truth is,” Kurt said, swallowing down his fears, “I’ve never really met anyone like you. All of my friends are, with the exception of a few, pretty posh. That’s a nice way of saying they’re snobby assholes, and most of them didn’t start out as my friends, but friends of friends. That fundraiser we met at?”

“What about it?” Dave asked, completely enthralled.

“You were doing it because you care about our vets, right?” Dave nodded. “Because the subject is near and dear to you, because you have a personal stake and because you genuinely believe that not enough is being done, and you can help do something to change that. You host fundraisers for selfless, admirable reasons. You pick and choose your causes and you stick to them. I have about a dozen friends who go to one of those charity events every other night, and they do it to say that they’re good people, and to feel good about themselves. Not to help other people. Now, I’m not saying my friends are bad, nothing like that, but you’re different. You’re a rare breed, David Karofsky, and I’m interested.” Kurt hurried to add, “Plus, we talk enough about me. I’m not nearly as exciting as you are.”

Dave shrugged. “I don’t think I know that much about you at all, no matter how boring you think you are.”

Cautiously, and absolutely terrified, Kurt asked, “What do you want to know?”

They were basic questions, much to Kurt’s palpable relief. Dave only wanted to know about his home life in Ohio, and how his father had met Carole, and how Kurt had ended up in New York. He asked the questions that were easy for Kurt to answer, like how much he loved singing, but how much more he loved design. For the most part, it was nothing but truth, and he breathed easier for it.

“Show me where you work?” Dave requested.

That threw Kurt. “You know I work at the theater.”

“But I want to see. I brought you to the firehouse and gave you the grand tour. I think you owe me the same.”

That was actually something Kurt could do. “We’ll have to hurry, though,” he told Dave. There’s a show later tonight and in a few hours everyone will start showing up.

There wasn’t really much to see, on second though, but Kurt did his best. He nodded to Noah as he and Dave passed through the front doors, and he said to Dave, “There are only a few components that I can actually show you. But I think we’ll start with the best first. Right this way to center stage.” He had Dave’s hand wrapped up in his as he pulled him towards the first set of double doors.

Dave admitted, “I went to see a production of Annie with my parents when I was twelve. I hated every second of it, and that was the last time I was in a theater. I don’t remember it … looking like this.”

Dave stopped suddenly, holding his ground with his head tipped up towards the beautifully intricate ceiling, decorated in a mosaic of colors that Kurt himself had spent hours laying on the stage and looking up at.

“Kind of makes you forget about everything else, right?” Kurt asked. His own eyes traced the hanging chandelier, and the ornate carvings that led along the ceiling. He’d seen it a million times, maybe more, and he could still find something he’d missed each and every time.

“Yeah,” Dave breathed out. “It’s amazing.”

Kurt had Dave sit in the best seat in the house, dead center, but up a few rows from the front.

“Isn’t the best seat supposed to be in the front?” Dave asked.

Kurt wound his way through the side doors, and backstage where he eventually came on stage with a pulled curtain. “You would think,” he called out, voice traveling, “but it’s a mistake a lot of people make. In fact, when you’re that close to the stage your neck starts to hurt after a while, and you’re so close to the orchestra that it can be a little disorienting. Where you’re sitting you have the perfect view of the entire stage and when everything is lit up, and the speakers turned on, you’re completely immersed. Those are, believe it or not, the most expensive seats in the house. More expensive than the box seats.”

Dave settled in more comfortably to the chair and said, “You told me you came to New York to be on Broadway, right?”

Kurt looked around the stage and gave a small, sad smile. “I really did. But I think that was before I realized everything that a career like that entailed. It’s hard, Dave. To float from role to role, and never really settle into anything or get attached. And you have to fight for everything, you never get any breaks, and there are certainly no handouts. Plus, it’s hard to have a family when you’re on Broadway. It’s hard to stop and then start again if you do. It wasn’t right for me, even if I thought it was at the beginning. It takes a certain type of person, and that type just isn’t me.”

“But you like where you are now? What you do? Who you are?”

Kurt framed his stomach and looked around once more. “Yeah. Part of me knows I’m right where I’m supposed to be. No question.”

Dave’s fingers tapped the chair in front of him for a second, then he asked, “Do you still sing?”

“At home,” Kurt laughed. “Maybe in the shower. Not for real and certainly not in public.”

“You should sing now.” Dave gave him a pointed look. “I am here to get the full experience.”

Kurt rolled his eyes and waved him towards the side door. “Maybe some other time. It may look pretty empty in here, but there’s always someone milling around, and you’d be surprised who gets awfully territorial over this stage. Now get on back here and I can show you the dressing rooms, back stage area, and we can end it at my office.”

For someone who claimed to have no interest in the theater, Kurt thought Dave was awfully interested in everything around him. And when he pointed it out, Dave said, “Maybe it just took an extraordinary person to get me to this point. I might even buy a ticket for tonight. Are you going to be here for the show?”

Kurt opened the door to his office and let Dave pass through, pointing out, “There are a couple of things in the way of your master plan there, Dave. Firstly, I know you have your shift at the firehouse very shortly, and while yes, I will be here for the show today, it’s already completely sold out. And that seat you were sitting in? That seat belongs to Mrs. Fieldstone. She buys out that seat in this theater for every production that comes through. She usually makes it to one show a season, but it’s hers and she won’t have anyone else sitting in it.”

Dave took the seat that Tina usually occupied and leaned back in it. “Do you have a seat?”

“At the theater?” Kurt clarified. “I have a reserved spot for opening night, and then again for the last performance of the season, but that’s it. I have something better than that, you know. I have a backstage pass.”

“Then how am I going to experience the magic of the theater for myself?” Dave asked. “Am I going to have to go buy a ticket to see Jersey Boys?”

Kurt balked, “No offense, Dave, but I don’t think you’d make it through the first act.”

“I guess not,” Dave laughed. “What kind of a musical do you think I’d like?”

Kurt’s eyebrows drew up as he decided, “Les Mis.”

“That French musical? The one about that guy pining over that girl who’s supposedly too good for him?”

Kurt moved slowly to the edge of the desk in front of Dave and settled against it. “There is a love story, yes, like most things, but that’s not actually what the musical is about. That’s just a theme in it. The musical is actually an examination into bravery and courage, and the parallel between doing the right thing for the wrong reason, and the wrong thing for the right reason. The musical asks you what’s worth fighting for, and what’s worth dying for? What are you willing to sacrifice? What price is too great to pay? Dave, let me put it bluntly, there is a lot of fighting and things blow up and it’s all very dramatic. Les Mis always has the highest male turnout of any musical, next to The Book of Mormon, of course.”

“What’s what one?”

“Damnation in three hours. It’s amazing.”

Dave shrugged. “You should make me a list. Or better yet, take me with you to all the good ones.”

“I’ll think about it. Now, did you want to see--”

Dave leaned up unexpectedly. He was out of his chair before Kurt could comprehend, hands framing Kurt’s face and their lips meeting in a clash of desperation and hunger.

For more than a moment Kurt was frozen. He’d only kissed a few people in his life, at least romantically, and he’d seen all of them coming a mile away. Blaine had even nervously asked permission to share their first kiss. Another, the boyfriend before Blaine, had missed his mouth completely and needed a second go. Kurt had absolutely never been caught off guard by a first kiss.

He’d never enjoyed one so much, either. Dave’s lips were a little dry, but warm, and absolutely euphoric. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, and absolutely couldn’t even being to pull away. Dave needn’t have held him so close. Kurt wouldn’t have been able to move if he wanted to. If anything he found his own hands coming to rest on Dave’s shoulders for extra balance.

And when Dave drew back, eyes open and wide, he looked more terrified than Kurt felt.

“You kissed me,” Kurt mumbled, feeling dizzy and having to lean forward onto Dave.

He must have done it too suddenly, because Dave held him fiercely and demanded to know, “Are you alright? Kurt? Your face is all red, and your skin is hot.”

“I’m … I’m fine,” Kurt assured, barely finding his voice. “But you kissed me.”

Dave looked to his lips, and Kurt wanted to reach up and touch them. “I’ve wanted to for a long time. Probably since that night you came to the benefit and I took you up on the roof. I wanted to kiss you then, and every day since then, I just haven’t had the guts to do it.”

“You … you can’t just kiss someone. I mean …” Kurt broke off, thinking suddenly of Blaine.

“You’re gorgeous,” Dave told him, hands framing Kurt’s jaw, fingers trailing up into his short hair. “You’re just absolutely, ridiculously good looking. And you’re kind, and smart, and talented and all the things that people are that don’t really exist in real life. That’s what you are and I can’t just not kiss you.”

So Dave was kissing him again, coaxing his lips to move, mouth opening, and making Kurt feel like the world was falling out from under him.

“Kurt!”

Dave wrangled him down into the plush chair at the desk as his knees gave out and he had to struggle to keep aware.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Dave asked, scared eyes looking him over as his hands searched for an injury of any kind. “I really think I should call someone.”

“No. No, Dave.” Kurt caught him by the sleeve and stilled Dave. “Wait, Dave, you have to listen to me. Stop.”

Dave reeled back. “You …”

“You can’t.” Kurt shook his head. “I’m sorry. You just … you can’t.”

Dave nodded curtly, almost snapping to attention. “You’re right. God, I don’t even know what I’m doing. I’m sorry. I … I should go.”

“Dave!” Kurt called after him, desperate not to part on bad terms. “Dave!” At the man’s departure Kurt leaned forward as far as his stomach would allow and took in deep breaths, trying to steady himself. Trying to breathe evenly.

“Just what in the actual hell are you doing?”

Kurt startled so badly he leapt up from his chair. It was probably the fastest he’d moved in months. “Sam!”

The blond was jet fast as he darted fully into Kurt’s office and slammed the door behind him. “No, really, just what do you think you’re doing? With that guy from the community fundraiser? What the hell?”

Kurt swallowed hard and slowly sank back down into his chair. “I know. I’ve made a mess of things.” He groaned into his hands.

Sam crossed quickly to him and demanded to know, “I still think I’m dreaming, Kurt, because there’s no way I just walked in on you kissing another guy. Some guy who isn’t your husband, by the way. So I need you to tell me what’s going on, because I would hope you’d act this way if you caught me kissing another girl.”

He trusted Sam. Above most people in his life, he really trusted Sam, but he knew now there could be no more lying. There could only be honesty, at least if Kurt didn’t want to damage one of his most important friendships.

“Sam,” Kurt eased out slowly, “if I tell you something, can you promise not to freak out?”

“Is it about why you were kissing that guy?”

Kurt nodded. “That guy? Sam, that’s my donor.”

Sam frowned and arched an eyebrow. “What do you mean donor?”

Silently, Kurt poked his stomach.

“Holy fuck! Kurt!”

“I know!” Kurt hissed, “but I can explain!” He tried to rattle off how scared he’d been about Blaine bonding with the baby, and how he’d never even intended to meet Dave. “I just wanted to know about him! You have to believe me, Sam. I just wanted to know more than the file was willing to tell me. So I looked into him and when I found him, I made the choice not to go talk to him. I wasn’t even going to let him know I existed.”

Sam pointed out, “Obviously you did.”

“When we went to the fair? I just bumped into him. It was a coincidence. An utter coincidence. That’s all. But I like him, Sam. He’s funny, and easy to talk to, and trustworthy. He pushes me to do things that I might be uncomfortable doing, like going to baseball games, but if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have the experiences, and I’m glad I have them. Dave’s making me a better person.”

“Dave,” Sam muttered. “You’re on a first name basis with him. Of course you are, you were sucking face with him a few seconds ago. But what about Blaine? You know, your husband? The guy you’re actually married to? The one you promised to be faithful to?”

There was a welling up of anguish and disappointment in himself, and sadness, and soon after that, Kurt was blinking back tears. “We’ve been having problems, Sam.” Kurt palmed at his eye, wiping away the moisture. “For a long time. Blaine and I … I don’t know what’s going on, but it isn’t good. In fact I think a lot of people would have given up already. I think I live with a stranger now, one that I don’t talk to, and only go to bed next to at night, and certainly one that I don’t spend any real time with. Blaine started pulling away months ago, and I tried to stop him, but recently? Recently I figured it’s just easier to let him go.”

Sam wanted to know, “Because you had Dave to fill the gap?”

“Dave has no idea who I am.” Kurt ground out, “He thinks I’m just this guy who went and got himself pregnant and is going it alone. He doesn’t know who I am, he doesn’t know about Blaine, and despite what you think, I didn’t set out to deceive him. I never wanted anything romantic with him. I guess … it just happened.”

Sam gave him a sad look. “You can’t, Kurt. You absolutely can’t. What do you think you’re doing?”

Kurt groaned. “I didn’t know he was going to kiss me!”

“But you let him kiss you a second time! Yes, I did see that, too.”

Kurt felt remorseful as he remembered, “You did tell me he was interested in me. But he didn’t show any of that to me before now. He was just a good friend.”

“Kurt!” Sam laughed loudly. “He kissed you twice. Obviously he wasn’t just a good friend, at least not on his end.”

“Sam,” Kurt bemoaned. “I never wanted any of this. It’s like this turned into some stupid runaway train.”

Sam agreed, “Yeah. But that’s what happens when you start something based on lies.” Sam reached out and put his hands on Kurt’s shoulders, holding him steady. “Kurt, you know what you have to do. You know this can’t happen and you know that your marriage means more than this.”

“We’re having problems,” Kurt repeated to Sam, “Blaine and I are having major problems. The kind that end marriages, I think. But Sam, I do still love him. I love him so much. I’m not trying to replace Dave with Blaine, at least not romantically. Maybe … maybe I’m just trying to get rid of the loneliness. Blaine and I used to do everything together, and talk about everything. We had meals together, spent our days off together, and we were a couple, Sam. We were a couple in every sense of the word. And then somewhere down the line that started to change, and I hate to say it, but this baby was just a catalyst. It’s all snowballed, but that doesn’t mean I’m abandoning ship. I didn’t kiss Dave. He kissed me. And Blaine is still my husband.”

“Okay.” Sam released him. “I’m sorry I jumped at you like that. You have your priorities in order, and you can’t control what other people are going to do. But Kurt, you can’t string this guy along, especially since you’re not even supposed to know who he is, and he’s certainly not supposed to know you or the baby exist. You have to think. He’ll be more than upset if he ever finds out. He’ll be pissed off, and he’ll probably sue you, but more than that, you think of him as your friend right now, and you’ll completely wreck that. You’ll wreck that and hurt him worse than anything else.”

Kurt defended, “If we hadn’t been at that fundraiser with Mason I don’t think I ever would have met him. I’m serious about the fact that I had decided to leave him alone. All I wanted was some more information. I didn’t want him in my life. But now that I have him …”

“Break it off, Kurt,” Sam said abruptly. “Before you hurt Blaine, or this guy Dave, you break it off.”

“We’re not in a relationship.”

Sam corrected, “The friendship, then. You know you can’t have it, not if you want to protect your marriage with Blaine.”

For one brief, fleeting moment, Kurt had thought he could have it hall. He’d thought he could balance it all out and make it work and have everything he wanted. But Sam was right. He couldn’t have Blaine and Dave, and he was only married to one of them. Only one of them deserved his loyalty, and it was the man he’d been married to for years, and shared everything with. It was Blaine, and there really wasn’t a choice to be made. He had to pick Blaine.

A little shakily, Kurt said, “Dave’s going in for a sixteen hour shift right about now. He’ll put his phone on silent. I can … I’ll leave him a voicemail.”

“What’s it going to say?” Sam prodded gently.

“Not who I am,” Kurt said with a forced laugh. “I may have done some questionable things as of late, but I’m not stupid. No, I’m just going to tell him that I can’t be what he wants me to be. I can’t give him what he needs, and I don’t think it’ll be smart for us to be around each other anymore. I’m going to ask that he doesn’t come here, and that he doesn’t call or e-mail. That’s all.”

“Good plan.”

Kurt took a deep breath and settled his hand across his stomach. “He’s a really great guy. He’s so different from Blaine, but he reminds me of everything that Blaine used to be. Before work took over, and we started growing apart. I never meant to hurt Dave.”

“I know.” Sam helped him up to his feet. “You’re a good guy, Kurt. You don’t hurt people on purpose, and you try to do the right thing, even if it’s maybe not.”

“But I feel so crummy.” Kurt ran a hand through his hair and looked around his office. “Could you give me a couple minutes? I need to make that call, and then I’m going to need some time to myself.”

Sam nodded right away. “Of course. I was just coming to tell you that Mindy popped the seam in her dress again. Which, you know, I would have thought was weird because she likes to spend so much time in the bathroom throwing up, but considering she’s expanding, I’m starting to think it’s for an entirely different reason.”

Kurt’s eyebrows rose. “Oh. Wow, okay. Give me five minutes.”

Sam ducked out of the office and closed the door behind him, and Kurt rested against the edge of his work desk, phone in hand.

There was no doubt in his mind that he had to do what he’d told Sam. Things had gone on long enough, and it never should have started in the first place. No matter how hard things were with Blaine, or different, he couldn’t bow out. He couldn’t replace Blaine with Dave. He needed to focus on his baby and his marriage and not on the really genuinely good guy who’d been there for him when Kurt had needed him. Dave wasn’t his partner and Dave was only the donor, he wasn’t the father to Kurt’s baby. That meant Blaine had to come first.

The phone call had to be made. He just wasn’t sure when his stomach would cooperate enough to let him make it.

***

If nothing else, at least the break from Dave was clean. Kurt, after leaving his voicemail, heard nothing back from Dave, and he took it as affirmation that he’d been understood and respected. There were no e-mails, he didn’t go into Queens for anything, and effectively, things were over.

It left Kurt with a feeling of regret and humiliation, and a whole wallop of guilt. He’d never meant to hurt Dave, or to lead him on. In his defense, he’d only been thinking of the baby in the beginning, and then once he’d gotten to know Dave, and what a wonderful person he was, Kurt had simply wanted companionship, the kind that he wasn’t receiving from Blaine anymore. He hadn’t realized it had manifested into something much more for Dave.

Or himself. He wasn’t saying he was head over heels in love with Dave, or that he’d even considered choosing him over Blaine for a second, but there was something there. Whatever it was. And it made him almost unbearably happy, and wonderfully content, and all of the things he’d felt when his marriage with Blaine was new and fresh and exciting. Dave held his hand and Kurt never wanted him to let go, and it was a sensation he hadn’t thought possible outside of his husband.

But he wasn’t in love with Dave.

He just couldn’t say he was in love with Blaine anymore, either.

Still, his ending things with Dave, whatever those things were, was probably for the best. He could get back to focusing on his job, and trying to repair his marriage, and there was a baby coming who still needed so much preparation.

Kurt just wished losing Dave hadn’t made him so utterly lonely. He wished he didn’t realize how Dave had made him feel the opposite of that.

Eventually, however, as the days worked themselves out and Kurt let himself drift around, things settled back down into a normal pace. He and Blaine had wordless, tense breakfasts together, he went to work after, and then there was an empty house to come home to after. Kurt shopped for baby clothes by himself, bought his choice of wallpaper for the nursery, and tried to give Sam and Mercedes space as she finally came home. He tried to visit Tina instead, but she’d ended up on bedrest and had sworn him off coming near her while her mother in law lurked around in a formidable and scary way.

Rather than stumbling around full of ennui, or complaining, he signed up for a Baby and Me class. He’d been nervous at first, absolutely convinced that the room would be filled with couples while his own husband shied away from him and was too busy to attend, but he was pleasantly surprised to find the class was filled mostly with single men and women, with only a few partners lurking around the back of the studio, clearly more interested in their phones or each other.

There he met Harmony, and Marley, and Jeff, who startlingly enough, had actually gone to school with Blaine when they were younger. They all, in one way or another, served to remind Kurt that his situation wasn’t as bad as it could be. Each of his new friends seemed to be in a worse pickle than he was, and there was some small comfort in knowing at least his baby was wanted, and he’d had a choice over who the father was, and his husband wasn’t denying his child … at least not outright. Kurt couldn’t be sure with Blaine these days.

The point was, Kurt had far less worries than most of his new friends put together, and certainly less than a pretty blond named Brittany who seemed to drift in and out of reality while making decidedly unfunny and irrelevant comments. Kurt wasn’t certain what her deal was, but he smiled politely and thanked her when she said he had baby soft hands.

“We should have a baby party,” Marley decided one day after class had ended and they were rolling up their yoga mats.

Harmony leveled her with an unimpressed look, and Kurt really loved that girl, then added himself, “I barely have time for this class. You think I’ve got time for a baby party? Plus, I’m already having a baby shower.” Mercedes had promised him, and she’d also reminded him that just because she’d been out of town, hadn’t meant she’d forgotten. He could expect one in a couple of months, right around the time he hit month eight.

“Not a baby shower,” Marley corrected. “It’s a baby party. It’s something my mom said my aunts and her friends used to do. They all got pregnant at around the same time. It’s where a bunch of friends who are pregnant at the same time get together and have fun with other people who actually understand what they’re going through.”

Kurt wasn’t sure he could relate to her, not that he’d tell her to her face. His husband hadn’t gotten him pregnant and then left him for another woman … who was coincidentally also expecting. Her life read like a bad soap opera. Kurt supposed his own just read like a sad novel. With a hopeful sequel in the wings.

Jeff blinked at her. “I’m sorry, since when are we friends?”

She pinched him hard. “I held your hand when we practiced breathing exercises.”

Harmony cleared her throat. “While I’m loathe to admit it, it actually doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea. But if we’re going to have a get together, we have to invite Wade.”

Kurt frowned. “Who’s Wade?” Admittedly, he didn’t know everyone in the class, even though he’d been going twice a week for two weeks now. He barely knew the people who sat next to him, and he still wasn’t sure about the tiny little Asian girl, Sunshine, who sat to his right and smiled tentatively at him, but never said anything.

“Wade.” Harmony nodded over to the ceiling to floor windows lining the wall near the door. It took Kurt a moment to spot who she was gesturing to, a short, dark skinned man who was bending awkwardly to pick up his own mat.

Kurt questioned, “How do you know Wade?”

“We live in the same building,” Harmony explained. “Sometimes we end up on the same train together. He’d lonely, like all of us. I say that if we have to suffer through one of those stupid parties, then everyone should.”

That was as good an excuse as ever. Kurt shrugged. “Go ahead and invite him. And you, Miss Marley, if you want to have this party, then it’s on you to plan it. The rest of us will help when needed, and show up at the end, but this is your thing.”

“It’s going to be amazing,” she promised. “Super fun.”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Just as long as no one goes into labor at any point, we’ll call it even.”

Jeff snorted and dragged his bag over his head. “I’m going now. I think Nick is waiting for me in the parking lot. Who doesn’t love a quickie while their lover’s wife is a work?”

Kurt winced. “Jeff …”

Jeff shushed him and said, “Don’t feel sorry for me, okay? I can walk away any time I want. So don’t give me any of your pity. And be thankful for what you have.”

What he had? A crumbing marriage, a complicated baby mess, and an onslaught of other issues just waiting to rear their ugly heads. “Okay.”

Kurt watched him walk out into the parking lot and over to a black Mercedes. He paused at the driver’s side, obviously talking to the driver, then rounded the car and got in. They were gone in a matter of seconds, and even though Jeff had said not to pity him, Kurt couldn’t help it.

And then something caught his eye. A man, in particular, with nothing out of the ordinary about him, standing in the parking lot next to what seemed to be his car. Under any other circumstances, Kurt probably wouldn’t have paid him any mind, but there was something familiar about the light windbreaker the man was wearing.

“Excuse me,” Kurt said politely. “I think I have a stalker.”

“What?” Harmony reached for him but Kurt was already gone, blowing through the studio and on his way to the man he was now beginning to recognize.

It was just as Kurt reached him that he realized Wade was already there, talking to the man in a seething, quiet voice. Wade jabbed a finger at him, barely glanced in Kurt’s direction, and then took off. The whole thing was odd.

“This,” Kurt told him when he was within earshot, “is all kinds of awkward, you realize.”

The man shrugged. “Despite what it might look like, I’m not actually here for you.”

Kurt had only met Azimio Adams twice, and not until the second to last time he’d visited the firehouse did he actually learn his name. Apparently he was only on call part time, and tended to be a bit of a loner. Kurt had met him only at Dave’s instance when the man had stated, “He’s my best friend, Kurt. Or at least he used to be. There’s some distance between us now, but we’ll come full circle. We usually do.”

Kurt couldn’t say he knew the man enough to like him, but it was also a little fishy to see him out at the studio that Kurt took his baby classes at, considering he wasn’t married and didn’t have children. Plus, how did Wade know him?

“Then why are you here?” Kurt tried his best to cross his arms. Since he’d cut things off with Dave he’d had the formidable pop that everyone always talked about. He’d gone from slight swelling and maybe extra weight, to an obvious stomach that indicated he was well into his second trimester and approaching his third. There was no mistaking his pregnancy now, and part of him wished he’d been able to share the pop with Dave. Unlike Blaine, Dave had never balked from touching the baby, and Dave hadn’t even known it was his.

“You know why.”

Kurt was only parked a few cars away and shook his head as he headed towards it, assuming Azimio would follow. He didn’t have to look behind him to know the man was. “You’re his best friend. I know you know what I did.”

“Yeah.” Azimio acknowledged. “The whole firehouse does. You’re pretty much on everyone’s shitlist.”

Kurt opened the backdoor to his car and set his bag inside. “Expected, and not unwarranted. If you think you’re going to come here and make me feel bad, and get me to possibly cry about what I did, then you’re just wasting your breath and time.” He tossed the yoga mat in after it and shut the door with a bit of a slam. “I feel guilty enough already. I don’t need you here making it worse.”

Azimio shoved his hands in his pockets. “I said, you’re on everyone shitlist. That’s because we all knew how much Dave liked you. My boy was practically in love with you when you decided that you wanted to dump him. But just because we all have known him a million times longer than you, and care about him more than you, doesn’t mean we don’t want to know why. Because most of us think you had a reason, and not that bullshit you gave Dave about wanting some space and moving too fast.”

Kurt felt his pulse pick up. “I can’t invent a new excuse, Azimio. The truth is the truth, whether you like it or not.”

“He’s such a drag now,” Azimio sighed out. “All he does is mope around and look like his puppy got run over. Twice.”

In a mellow voice, Kurt told him honestly, “I never meant to hurt him. I do care for him. It was never my intention to make him care for me and then string him out to dry. But sometimes people just aren’t right for each other, for a million different reasons, and that’s just life.”

With a laugh, Azimio imparted, “Some of the guys just thought he needed to get over you, so we tried to set him up with a couple of guys and he yelled at us. He trashed the kitchen and yelled at us and got put on probation by Beiste for being an overall pain in the ass. That’s why I’m here. Because my best friend is completely, head over heels in love with you, and he can’t let go until he gets some closure. I’m going to get some closure for him, and you saying you’re sorry isn’t going to help.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

Azimio nearly exploded, “I want you to say that you hated something he did, or you’ve been lying about something huge, or that you had a valid reason for breaking his heart into a bunch of tiny little pieces and then stomping on them some more, just for the hell of it.”

Kurt froze. He couldn’t very well tell Azimio that he had been hiding something huge. “I … I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s what I can give you. I’m sorry if that’s not enough.”

“ I mean it.” Azimio ran a hand over his bald head. “Dave’s in love with you. I’m not making that up. And he was prepared, you know, in ways that guys usually aren’t, to be there for you. He was going to take your kid on. It isn’t his and he didn’t care. He was going to do it anyway. He was getting excited about the baby, too.”

And there was the urge to cry. He wanted to crawl up into a little ball and cry his eyes out, because Dave wanted the baby. Dave wanted his own baby. The one he both knew and didn’t know existed. How was that fair? How was that okay?

“Why are you telling me this?” Kurt demanded, getting angry so he could avoid the tears that wanted to come. “Remember what I said about trying to guilt trip me?”

“I’m trying to get you to realize something!”

Kurt’s eyes narrowed. “What? What is it?”

“That you gave up the best damn thing you’re probably ever going to have in the form of another person who loves you. And you’re an asshole for not having the balls to tell anyone, let alone the person you hurt, why that is.” Azimio’s shoulders fell and he quieted. “I don’t know you. I don’t even like you, not really. I think you’re some pretentious guy who has money and throws it around to make a good impression and lives in Manhattan because he thinks it’s better than Queens and his biggest dilemma of the day is what name brand he’s going to wear and then name throw to all his hoity-toity friends. That’s what I think about you. But you know what? At the end of the day, none of that matters. The only thing that matters is what Dave thinks about you. You just about killed him, and he still won’t say a single mean thing about you. He still sings your praise and tells everyone to lay off you, and says you don’t deserve to be slandered by us. And I guess what I’m trying to make you see here is that even if you made a mistake, it’s not too late to go back. You can fix things with him. You can.”

Kurt straightened up. “Maybe I don’t want to.”

Azimio shrugged. “That kind of seems like a lie, considering we both know Dave.”

“Azimio …”

“He just misses you. He misses talking to you, and doing things with you, and I guess whatever mushy ass stuff that people do when they’re in love.”

“I don’t love Dave.”

Azimio’s mouth pulled tight. “Call him. Tell him something. Tell him anything. And then maybe the Captain will take him off probation, and Dave will actually start going out with the guys again to the bar, and he won’t be such a jerk to be around. So just call him, or fucking do something. Make it better. You made it worse and now you need to make it better.”

Kurt palmed his keys and moved around the car to the driver’s door. “I can’t.” He made to pull the door open when Azimio’s hand slammed on it, keeping it tightly shut. The man stared at him, angry and disappointed, and the only thing Kurt could offer him was, “You don’t understand. I know you want to, I know you’re dying to, but you can’t and you never will. Dave can’t understand either, and I am truly, wholly and completely sorry about that, but he just can’t. I can’t explain it and he can’t understand. But even if I could, even if there was a way, it wouldn’t be fair. You’re here because you want me to realize I made some giant mistake, and you want me to go crawling back to Dave because you know he wants nothing more than the take me back. But we were never a couple. We weren’t together no matter what Dave wanted or the future he saw for us. And if we were, if I loved him back and went to be with him, it wouldn’t be fair to him. It would be wrong and it would be worse in the end than you can ever imagine. So if you take nothing else away from this, remember that. Tell him that. And if he’s your best friend, save him some further heartbreak.”

Kurt slid into the car when Azimio had nothing more to say to him. Then he started the car, and drove off, not looking back to the man, and refusing to be swayed in any way.

“I’m lost,” Kurt admitted to his father later that night on the phone, fixing dinner for himself in his apartment alone. He had his father on speakerphone and was stirring a soup on the stove. “And I really don’t know what to do.”

“Kiddo,” his father eased out. “Sometimes tells me more has been going on than you’ve been telling me.”

“Well,” Kurt huffed, “my marriage is pretty much nonexistent.” It was probably the first time he’d admitted it to anyone but himself. At least with such full honesty. “Anyone else would be divorced at this point, dad. I’m not even sure I love my husband anymore. And my baby? The one I wanted so badly? It was never wanted by its other father, except the biological one. Confused? Did I mention I looked up my anonymous donor, actually ran into him, started up a friendship, and then fell for him? He kissed me. Twice. And then I broke his heart.”

“Kurt …”

“I feel lonelier than ever. I spend a lot of time alone. I eat alone, work alone and I go to my baby class alone. I’ve made some new friends, but nothing gets rid of the lonely feeling. Nothing. I’m starting to feel like I’m going to be lonely forever. Oh, and my doctor said I’m on the verge of gestational diabetes. I may need to start taking insulin for the rest of my pregnancy.”

On the other end of the line Kurt could hear a door closing, and feet shuffling, and clothing ruffling. Then there was the distinct sound of his father sitting down in his favorite chair, the leather cushions squeaking against each other. And his father said, “Start at the beginning.”

“If I do that,” Kurt said, turning the burner down on the stove, “you’ve going to be on the phone with me all night long.”

“I have a hamburger and a beer. Both of which I know you don’t want me within a mile of. So we’ll consider it a fair trade. Now, start talking.”

Kurt couldn’t tell if it was a good thing, or a horribly bad one, that once he started talking he absolutely couldn’t stop. But what might have been worse was he hadn’t really and truly realized how far back his problems with Blaine had gone, from before the baby, and before the endless years of trying. Maybe all the way back to the beginning when Kurt had been trying to adapt to the lifestyle Blaine had, and Kurt had been so in love the he was desperate to do anything to make it work.

“I changed my self,” Kurt admitted to his father, long after the soup was gone, “and I made Blaine change who he was. Or he changed for me. I don’t know. I’m not sure. The point is, I don’t think we ever doubted how much we loved each other, only just how different we are. Love can only carry you so far in the end, and I feel like the road has run out for us.”

“You want to leave him?” Burt asked bluntly.

There was no simple answer. “I don’t know. I love him, but for some time now, I think I haven’t been in love with him. I don’t know when it happened. And I thought people who loved each other as much as Blaine and I did weren’t supposed to ever just stop. When you love that hard, it’s supposed to be for life.”

His father gave a low chuckle. “You can’t predict these things, Kurt, and there’s no such thing as a soul mate. I know it’s a nice idea, and it’s okay to believe in in when you’re younger, but the truth is, there aren’t two people who are made exclusively for each other. I know this, kid, because I loved your mom so much that when she died, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to move on. I wanted to die right with her, but that kind of love, that ferocity? That’s how much I love Carole, too. People come and go Kurt, sometimes voluntarily and sometimes involuntarily. People are always changing and always growing. I’m not saying that two people can’t be together for sixty years and be just as in love the first day as the last. But what I am saying is that people fall out of love all the time, and it’s normal. It’s hard and it hurts but it’s normal.”

“Thanks,” Kurt mumbled. “But I picked Blaine over Dave. I picked my husband, because I married him, and I believe in us, and I just don’t know how to be Kurt without Blaine. I feel like I lost my identity somewhere along the way. That’s not supposed to happen, right?”

“I don’t think so.” His dad groaned, “I take it you don’t want to talk about the elephant in the room?”

With a wince, Kurt tried, “To be fair, I really, absolutely, I swear to you, didn’t mean to ever actually have any contact with him.”

“Kurt.”

“It just happened!”

On the subject of Dave, his father didn’t have much advice to give. Only, “If you’re doing what your gut is telling you is right, then that needs to be good enough for you, Kurt. Be honest with yourself.”

Kurt missed alcohol. He was certain he’d feel better if he could have a glass of wine or two. “Honesty?” Kurt laughed. “I think I am finally being honest with myself, and that’s causing all the problems. I’m just not being honest with anyone else. I’m not even being honest with Dave. He’s in love with this guy who’s built their entire relationship up around a lie. And that makes me sick.”

Burt hedged, “You know you’re going to have to tell him the truth eventually, right?”

“Why?” Kurt wasn’t sure that was the case. “I broke things off with him. I asked him not to contact me. I basically told him I never wanted to see him again.”

His father pointed out, “Didn’t you tell me one of his coworkers came to see you?”

“But I told him not to come back! I told him enough for him not to want to.”

“Kurt.” He could tell his father’s frustration level was building. “You’re telling me that you feel like you did this Dave guy, your donor, a disservice, right?”

Kurt nodded, then hurried to add so his dad knew, “Yes.”

“Well, when we do people a disservice, when we hurt them or wrong them, we have to come clean about it before we can mend bridges. You can’t think that you’re never going to see him again. And you can’t rely on the idea that the truth will never come out on its own. I’m not saying go track the guy down and spill everything. But I want you to consider that you may not ever be at peace with yourself, or your child for that matter, if you don’t fix things with him first.”

Kurt tried not to feel defeated. “I don’t think I can fix things with him.”

“Then just make them right, kid.”

“Okay. Right.” Kurt cleared his throat. “How about this. If, and I mean if I ever see Dave again, I’ll come clean. He’ll deserve at least that much, and I’ll tell him everything. But I’m not going to go looking for him. I asked him to leave me alone, and to not contact me anymore. I can’t make a mockery out of that request. So if I see him, I’ll tell him, and if I don’t, I won’t.”

“You don’t have to justify your actions to me,” Burt told him.

“No,” Kurt agreed. “But you have never steered me wrong before.”

Kurt picked up his soup bowl and glanced at the clock across the kitchen. It was after midnight and Blaine still wasn’t home.

“Well,” his dad groaned, “Carole’s been giving me dirty looks for the past half hour. I think it’s time for both you and I to go to bed.”

Kurt patted his tummy. “Yep. The baby has been kicking me pretty hard for a while now. I think he wants me to go lay down now.:

“He?” Burt asked surprised.

“Or she.” Kurt laughed. “I don’t know, but I guess I got tired of calling the baby and it. And no, before you ask, I still haven’t heard a good enough argument as to why I shouldn’t just wait to find out what the baby is. I guess you and Carole will have to stick to buying nice, neutral colors.”

“Hey, Kurt?”

“Hmm?” Kurt lifted the faucet and rinsed the bowl off. “Something on your mind for once that you’d like a little advice on? I did offer to help you and the other senators coordinate your wardrobes. I don’t know why you won’t let me.”

His father chuckled, then said, “I just wanted to remind you that you always have a home with me. If you want to come here, for whatever reason, or even without a reason, you know the door is always open. And maybe, considering all that’s going on right now, you could use a break. You told me you’ve got yourself an assistant now. You should be able to take a few days off, right? Come visit. Come see your brother.”

“Can’t,” Kurt said right away. “I mean, I guess theoretically I could, but I’m not going to. I don’t want to run. I want to stay and to fight, for this baby, for Blaine, for my life. I’ve got to stay right now, as long as there’s a chance to make things better.”

Burt grumbled, “Okay. But you just call me up if you need me. Anytime. I mean it.”

“I know. Thanks, dad.”

Kurt reached over to end the call and hit the light short after. Talking to his father always made him feel better. He wondered if it was just a father thing, being able to make other people, especially your own kids, feel better. Kurt touched his stomach and hoped at least a part of that passed on to himself and his baby.

But after his talk with his father he did honestly feel less bad about Dave. He still felt guilty, and didn’t think there was enough he could do to make up for it, but it wasn’t weighing on him so heavily. Maybe he would run into Dave eventually. It could be a couple years down the road, when the baby was walking and talking and Kurt was done prematurely panicking about SIDS. And then Kurt would tell him, and maybe Dave would be interested in the baby, and maybe he wouldn’t, and either way it would be okay.

The thing was, however, that the universe hated Kurt. It was a firmly established fact. And so two weeks after Dave had kissed him, and Kurt had broken his heart with his rejection, Kurt saw him. He was taking Mason for an early Monday afternoon trip through Central Park in order to give Mercedes and Sam a bit of alone time. They were headed towards the Central Park Zoo, but Kurt had promised Mason that they’d stop by a playground on the way.

That was when Kurt saw Dave, jogging towards them, and it was obvious by the way Dave nearly tripped, that he’d seen them.

“If you exist,” Kurt mumbled, eyes up to the clouds, “I’m sure you’re doing this just to be mean.”

“Uncle Kurt?” Mason tugged on Kurt’s wrist. “There’s the playground.” He pointed just ahead.

Dave slowed in front of them. “Kurt?”

“Dave.” Kurt tried not to let his anxiousness over the sudden situation show. “Mason, do you remember Dave from the fundraiser?”

Mason peered up at Dave and said, “Oh, yeah. I do.”

Dave looked so sad as he said, “You’ve gotten bigger, but it’s only been a couple of weeks.”

“I popped,” Kurt said weakly. “Um, what’re you doing out here?”

Dave lifted his ipod. “Jogging.”

“In Central Park? Isn’t that a little out of your way?”

Dave frowned. “I had business here in Manhattan, and after, I decided to run. Running usually clears my head, and Central Park is the most beautiful place in New York. Why are you here? You’re not really and outdoorsy guy.”

“We’re going to the zoo!” Mason said proudly, then pouted a little. “But Uncle Kurt said he’d let me play at the playground first. I’m still waiting.”

A smile forced its way onto Kurt’s face. “He’s always been a little impatient.”

Dave had a bashful hue to his face as he said, “I heard that Azimio cornered you outside of you class. I want you to know, I didn’t ask him to. In fact, I told him to do the opposite. I said to leave you alone.”

“Hey. I know.” Kurt took a half step forward before he caught himself. “I know you didn’t ask him to go.”

“Because I’m going to respect you wishes. I would never send someone after you like that.”

“I know,” Kurt repeated. “I know you wouldn’t. And thank you for that. I know I … when I left that message, I probably wasn’t very nice. I was more concerned with being thorough. The fact that you’d still respect me enough to do as I asked, well, I just really appreciate that.”

Dave nodded, then said earnestly, “I don’t know what I did, or how I mess everything up, but I have a lot of questions that I’d like to have answered. Will you … will you let me know when you’re willing to talk? If you’re willing to talk?”

He was suddenly reminded of his talk with his dad, and the promise he’d made himself.

“Actually,” Kurt asked a little nervously, “the playground is right there. If you wanted to walk with myself and Mason over there we could … I could answer some of those questions.” He couldn’t believe he’d offered. He couldn’t believe he was going to come clean about everything he’d done in his quest to have his baby, and to keep his family.

He was beginning to have serious second thoughts when Dave said, “I’ve got all the time in the world.”

He wasn’t ready. He absolutely wasn’t ready. Not with the way Dave was looking at him.

“You can go ahead,” Kurt told Mason when the playground was close enough. It was worth it in the way that Mason lit up and took off like a rocket, but it left Dave alone with Kurt, and Kurt alone with his thoughts.

“Was it because I kissed you? I pushed you?”

“What?” Kurt turned to look up at him. “No. I mean yes. I mean … Dave. You didn’t push me.”

The bigger man looked defeated. “I tried to be patient. I knew I had to be from the beginning. Obviously a pregnant guy doesn’t want to go rushing into a relationship. That’s why I wanted us just to be good friends for a while. More than anything, I wanted you to be comfortable with me. I thought you were, but I know it was wrong to just kiss you like that.”

“Dave,” Kurt said, a little exacerbated. “That kiss … both of those kisses, they’re absolutely what made me jump ship and run for the hills. I’m not going to deny it. But not because you were pushing for something. Not for any reason you could possible imagine.”

“Please tell me why?”

Kurt looked around and spotted a nearby bench. It gave him a good view of Mason who was dangling already from the monkey bars, but also afforded them a little privacy. “Let’s go sit down. My feet are already hurting.”

When they were both seated, Kurt reached under his shirt and pulled up his necklace, the ring dangling from it. “This was my wedding ring,” he explained.

Dave’s face grew even more pale. “Oh god. I am such an asshole. Obviously you’re still hurting from a previous relationship, and here I am, trying to move in on you. I just--”

“Dave!” Kurt let the ring fall. “No. I’m sorry, I’m making a mess of this explanation. Let me be clear, the only reason this is on a chain is because my fingers have been swollen up forever and I haven’t been able to get it on. Or I’m scared if I do, I won’t be able to get it off.”

Dave’s voice cut like steel. “You’re married? As in, you’re still married? Right now?”

Kurt nodded. “I’m married.

Kurt could see him take a steadying breath before he asked, “Why did you lie?”

“If I start there,” Kurt insisted, “at that part in the story, you’ll only be confused. I have to start at the beginning, years and years ago. That’s the only way to get through this.”

The change in Dave’s posture was immediate. He’d gone from understanding and desperate to on the defense, and Kurt already felt intimidated. “Tell me. Tell me everything, because I have to be honest with you right now, Kurt. I’m getting less and less excited about being here with you.”

He started, “It’s really a story about a little boy who lost his mom too early. She had cancer at far too young an age, and fought brilliantly, but ended up passing away in the end.”

Dave guessed, “Your mom?”

Kurt held up a hand. “Just let me talk. You listen.” When he was sure Dave was going to remain quiet, he continued, “Because this little boy’s mother died so young, he became fixated on the idea of family, or at least that’s what his over priced, probably ego inflated psychologists told him. But I digress. He grew up being overprotected by his father, and almost obsessed with the family he’d have one day when he was older. He wanted a house full of kids, and a high rise condo in New York, and a career on Broadway, not to mention his doctor husband and yearly vacations to the Swiss Alps and Hamptoms where he could coordinate everyone’s wardrobe and easily be the most fashionable and amazing family. What? Don’t give me that look. I was young, okay.”

“Uncle Kurt!” Mason was perched on top of the monkey bars now, waving frantically at him.

Kurt mumbled, “He’s going to break his neck, and I’ll have to explain that to his parents.” He regained his focus a moment later. “But then, Dave, this little boy grew up, and his goals and wishes and dreams changed, all except for one thing. He still wanted that family more than anything else. Maybe not a dozen children, but a couple, and someone to share that family with. Obviously someone to help make that family.”

“Your husband.”

With a nod, Kurt said, “This little boy, now a young man, met the man of his dreams. This man was smart and charming and funny and handsome and all of the things that the young man had never dreamed of finding all in one total package. He was swept off his feet, and married fairly quickly. He still wanted his career, and he still wanted everything else, but more than anything, he wanted a family with his new husband and he started trying for one right away.” Kurt’s hand folded over his stomach, the baby brushing against his touch. “It didn’t happen. For seven long years it didn’t happen, and the young man was constantly filled with feelings of failure and inadequacies and the unmistakable knowledge that something was wrong.”

Dave gestured. “But you’re pregnant now.”

Finally, plainly, Kurt said, “It wasn’t me. I’m perfectly healthy. I had every test, and talked to a series of doctors and specialists until I went to the last one, the one who told me I might want to consider that it was my husband who was the problem. And low and behold, we found out that he’s sterile. And it broke me. It let me know in one, crushing second that I couldn’t have what I’d dreamed about having since I was little.”

Dave slouched down a little on the bench, crossing one leg at the ankle. Kurt wondered if Dave would hate him after he knew the truth. Part of Kurt hoped he would. It would make their break easier.

“We, Blaine and I,” Kurt cleared his throat, “talked about adoption, and a few other options, but more than anything, I wanted a baby that was mine, biologically and legally, and I wanted to carry it. I wanted the experience, and I guess I overlooked my husband’s feelings when I talked him into getting a genetic donor. I know now he didn’t want it, he just wanted to make me happy, and if our problems had existed before that point, that’s when they started to snowball.”

There was an unreadable expression on Dave’s face. Maybe he was thinking about his own status as a donor. Maybe he was contemplating the chance that someone out there was pregnant with his baby.

“So we used the donor,” Kurt said, catching Dave’s attention once more, “and obviously I got pregnant. I was more happy than I have ever been, this baby is all I wanted and more. But Blaine? Blaine started to pull away. He didn’t want to talk about the baby. He certainly didn’t want to touch it. We had fights over it, and it was right around then that I realized it wasn’t just that he didn’t want the baby, it was that he was incapable of bonding with it. He couldn’t see it as his own, which was probably the worst thing of all. He was going to be a father to a baby he couldn’t care about, and I was sure then, just as sure as I am now, that it came from the fact that we used an anonymous donor.”

Dave spoke up, if a little timid, “Why an anonymous donor?”

Kurt shrugged. “In part we thought that the genetic makeup for the baby didn’t matter at all, and that it was just going to be myself and Blaine who mattered. We were sure that an anonymous donor would make things easier for everyone, and maybe we were a little selfish about the whole thing, because we didn’t’ want to share our baby with anyone, not even its biological father.”

“So you …” Dave guessed, “started having problems with your husband and latched onto me? The first guy who showed you some attention and affection?” That was anger Kurt picked up. “And decided to lie about it all on top of everything?”

“No,” Kurt denied. “Running into you was a pure accident. I never planned to actually ever talk to you. I never wanted to meet you face to face. I had everything I already needed.”

“I don’t understand.”

Kurt hid his face in his hands for a moment, and it was a good enough diversion to wipe away the moisture in his eyes. He wouldn’t cry in front of Dave. There was nothing to cry about. He was sorry and he was owning up, but it wasn’t a pity party.

“I know someone who knows someone,” Kurt tried to say. “And that someone got me information on my donor. Everything from his social security number to his work history, even his school information. Everything and I mean everything. I breached my contract with the fertility clinic, and violated my donor’s privacy because I desperately wanted to have my husband care about and want my baby. I never meant to hurt my donor, I never meant to … hurt you.”

“Me?” Dave echoed.

Kurt rushed to add, “I swear to you, Dave, I absolutely swear to you on my life, I never meant to talk to you. I never meant to let you know I existed. That day that Sam and Mason and I ran into you? It was coincidence. It was an accident. It wasn’t on purpose. I don’t want anything from you. I’m not trying to trap you. I just … I wanted to know more about who you were so I could know more about the baby.”

Dave’s eyes were fixed to his stomach, and he looked like he might pass out at any moment. “You … I … me?”

Kurt stumbled, “I picked you, well, not you, but I picked my donor, which is you, but what I’m trying to say is, I chose my donor because from the provided information he seemed smart, and brave, and selfless, and all of the things that a person wants for their baby. On paper you were amazing, and I just wanted to make sure you lived up to that as I was finding out more about you. I just … I’m so sorry.”

Pointing a shaking finger, Dave asked, “That’s my baby?”

Kurt gave a shaky nod. “Biologically, it’s yours.”

“You’re pregnant with … with my kid?”

“Dave--”

“You had no right!” Dave jumped to his feet, face twisted up and voice a deep rumble.

“I know. I just--”

“I don’t care!” Dave’s hands clenched into fists. “I absolutely don’t care what comes out of your mouth now. I never wanted to know if anyone selected me for their donor. I had my own personal reasons for becoming one, but I never wanted the responsibility of becoming a father in this way. The point of that fertility clinic was that I didn’t have to worry about anyone coming out of the woodwork like this.”

“I don’t want your money.” Kurt short back. “If that’s what you think, you’re wrong. And I don’t want you to take the kid on weekends, or be responsible for it. This is my baby, not yours, you just helped make it.”

Dave laughed. “You really think it works like that? Do you think I’m just some deadbeat dad? Because Kurt, it’s not okay for you to just let me know that surprise, I’m a father. You can’t think that I’m just going to blow it off. I’m not that guy. I’m not your asshole husband who isn’t going to want the baby.”

“Hey!” Kurt managed to his feet. “You don’t know Blaine. You don’t get to say anything about him.”

“Because up until three minutes ago I didn’t know he existed? You know what, it doesn’t even matter why you did this. It really doesn’t. There isn’t a good enough reason in the world for you to feel justified enough to violate my privacy and turn my world upside down. You don’t have any idea what you’ve done.”

“I know,” Kurt said quietly, “what I didn’t mean to do, and that was hurt you. If you believe nothing else, please believe that. I just wanted to know more about you. I justified my spending time with you as benefiting the baby. But then you were my friend, and then a best friend, and then … something else. I don’t know.”

Dave turned his back to Kurt, shoulders tense. “I really loved you. I know that’s stupid to say, we’ve only known each other a few months, but I did. I really did. You’re easy to love.”

“Loved?”

“How could I still love you?” Dave finally turned to him, eyes a blotchy red. “I feel used. I feel like you used me to help your baby, and you just let me go along with my stupid crush until it turned into something more. You played both sides, and it would be fine if it was only you on the line, but you don’t have any idea how badly you’ve messed up my life right now. You don’t have any clue what you’ve done, or why I was a donor at the fertility bank, or what a baby means to me.”

Kurt gnawed his bottle lip for a moment. “I meant what I said about you not being accountable. I just wanted to be honest with you, partly to clear my conscience, but also partly because I thought you deserved to know. Some for the baby, too. But I’m not asking you to be a father here. I’m not asking you to come around on birthdays or bring Christmas presents.”

“You think your husband is going to do that for you instead?”

Kurt didn’t know. He hoped it showed on his face. “I’m not sure about anything with him at this point. Our marriage is in such tiny little pieces. We literally don’t talk to each other anymore. I will always love him, but am I in love with him? His rejection of this baby tells me the answer is probably no. But I don’t know for sure. Things could get better when the baby is born, or they could get even worse. I’ll just have to see.”

Dave was back to looking at his stomach with an intense kind of gaze, one that made Kurt still want to burst out into tears. “You don’t want me to be accountable?”

“It’s not your baby. Someone isn’t a father just because they have a person out there with half of their DNA. I’m not asking you to be a father.”

“Well,” Dave grunted, “it’s a little later for that. Because now I know this kid exists. I know it’s mine. I can’t walk away, and I won’t.” Dave gave him a harsh look. “You know what’s the best part about this? I was fully prepared to be a father to this baby. I didn’t care if it wasn’t mine. I was going to be there for you, and for it, and you wouldn’t have even needed to ask me. That was the plan.”

“I’m so--”

“Sorry?” Dave finished for him. “Sorry doesn’t cut it.”

“Dave.” Kurt managed to snag his shirt sleeve, dragging Dave close enough for his bump to hit Dave with a soft bounce. “I’m not trying to say what I did was okay, but it was for the baby, and then it became so much more. I could talk to you about anything, and I trusted you, and I felt closer to you than my husband. I … I looked at you and I saw my future with you for the first time, and not him. That’s never happened before and I was scared and--”

“You trusted me?” Dave cut in ruthlessly. “That’s great, because I trusted you, too. I trusted everything that came out of your mouth.”

“None of it was a lie!”

“Excluding important details is just as bad as lying about things. I don’t understand why you don’t get that. Especially something this important. Now let go of me.”

Kurt couldn’t. He wanted to do as Dave asked, but he couldn’t get his fingers to unfurl. He couldn’t let go of Dave because he knew if he did Dave would storm off, and he’d probably never see him again. It was why he’d been so afraid to tell Dave the truth. It was nauseating to think of never seeing Dave again, not after having him so close again.

“What do you want?” Dave demanded. “You just let me know what you don’t, so how about you tell me what you do, so we can both move on.”

“I don’t want to move on,” Kurt said, feeling light headed and breathless. “I know we can’t ever go back to what we were, but … oh, Dave, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m asking. I don’t know what to do.”

The baby kicked fiercely, maybe sensing how upset he was, and by the flinch on Dave’s face, Kurt knew the man had felt it. They were still pressed almost indecently close together.

“Kurt, you--”

“Dave. I just--”

Dave bent the short distance between them and kissed Kurt hard. It was more blunt pressure and sharp teeth than anything else, but Kurt leaned up into it, and felt weightless for a second. This was Dave, he told himself. Dave looked after him without being asked to, and cared about him, and regardless of the meltdown they were having, had at one point loved him. Maybe even like Blaine had. The difference was Blaine hadn’t kissed him in what felt like forever, and Dave was kissing him in that very moment, and with more determination than Kurt had ever felt. The comparison was truly startling, and given the choice, Kurt would have chosen to kiss Dave every day. It made him suddenly reconsidering deciding to stick by his husband.

“Damnit,” Dave cursed, drawing back.

“Dave?” Kurt asked softly.

“This is my baby,” he said, furious and focused, one big hand on Kurt’s stomach, “and I will not just walk away. I’m not that guy. So that’s what I’m doing with the baby. I just don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

Kurt wanted to suggest Dave kiss him again, still feeling a little euphoric from it, but he wisely kept his mouth shut.

Dave pried his hand off Kurt’s stomach and took a full step back. “You wanted some time and I gave it to you, so now you do me the same respect and leave me alone for a while. I need to … I need to figure out what I’m going to do. I just became a father to a baby who isn’t even born, and I don’t have a clue what’s between us anymore. But I need to think, and if you see me on the street, you should keep walking. I’ll let you know when I’ve decided something.”

Kurt gave the barest of nods.

“But,” Dave told him, taking another step, “if there’s ever going to be anything between us, in any capacity other than me picking my kid up for the afternoon, then I’m not going to be in competition with your husband. I’m not going to let you bounce back and forth because you like what we have, but you feel some sense of dependency or loyalty to him. You can’t have it both ways, not any more. So if you want more, you make a choice.”

He thought he had. Kurt was sure he’d chosen Blaine, but now everything had changed, and he was even less sure.

“Okay,” Kurt mumbled.

“But no matter what,” Dave said, “you should think about doing him the same respect and telling him the truth. He’s your husband. You do own him that much, more than you owe me. You don’t get to pick and chose who to be honest with. That’s not the way it works. And you’re not going to end any of your problems with him if you keep it up.”

There were no more parting words, and no more kisses. Dave left silently and quickly, and Kurt was by himself after that, moments away from tears, chest aching and confused to the point of a headache. Or maybe it was a heartache. He couldn’t say for sure.

“Uncle Kurt?”

Kurt thought he probably made a comical sight with how high he jumped.

“Mason.” Kurt pressed a hand to his stomach. “You scared me.”

“Sorry.” Mason shrugged up at Kurt. “Uncle Kurt? Why were you kissing that man?”

Kurt froze. Of course Mason had seen. The whole of New York might have seen. He felt incredibly embarrassed, and at a loss.

“Mason.” Kurt knelt down next to him with caution. “Dave is my friend. Sometimes … sometimes people kiss their friends. I kiss your mommy frequently and sometimes your daddy, too. People kiss each other all the time, and often for very different reasons.” And Kurt was absolutely dead if Mason told anyone what he’d seen. Kurt was still trying to work it all out for himself. He couldn’t take that added on him.

Mason seemed to consider it for a moment, then gave a reluctant nod. “Okay. Can we go to the zoo now?”

Kurt gave him a firm nod. “Okay.”

He had to do something. He had to come clean to Blaine. He had to figure out what exactly Dave was to him. And he had to reevaluate who was more important. So in many ways he was grateful that Dave had asked not to be contacted for a while. It gave Kurt the time he needed, and maybe the false hope he didn’t.

***

It took him two days to work up the courage to confront Blaine about what he’d done. Two days of trying to rationalize his behavior, and defend his actions to himself, and two long days of self wallowing pity.

But when he worked up the courage, when he finally decided that it couldn’t be put off for any longer, he went home from work, pulled a nearby throw from the arm of the couch over his shoulders, and resigned himself to wait until Blaine came home. He’d wait all night if he had to.

Kurt woke up in the morning and gave a huff of frustration when he realized he’d fallen asleep. He’d missed Blaine.

Yet the distinct smell of coffee was in the air, and when he craned his neck out as far as it would go, Kurt could just see the edge of someone’s form in the kitchen, over by the coffee pot.

“Blaine?” Kurt struggled to get to his feet, half afraid that Blaine was going to run from the apartment.

“Oh. Hey.” Blaine tipped into view. “I actually tried to get you up last night, but you not so nicely told me to leave you alone. I always forget that you’re such a heavy sleeper right now. You used to get up in the middle of the night if the people two floors down from us flushed the toilet.”

Kurt felt his face heat. “Well, that was before I had a five pound baby pressing against my bladder when I’m awake, stealing all my energy.” He cleared his throat. “What time did you get in last night?”

“Two?” Blaine guessed. “Hard to say.”

“Blaine.” Kurt reached the kitchen, still a little unsteady on his feet from sleep, and said, “I never meant to fall asleep on the couch. I was up late waiting for you.”

Blaine was already dressed and showered, and by the way that he already had his coffee capped in his thermos, he was probably moments away from walking out the door. If Kurt had slept any longer he might have missed Blaine, and who knew when Kurt was going to see him again.

“What for?” Blaine glanced over at him. “You know I come in late.”

“And you leave early.” Kurt reached up to pat his bed head. “We don’t see each other anymore, Blaine. If there’s something important, I usually have to schedule something with Jillian. Do you know how ridiculous it is that I have to call your secretary to see you? When did this start happening? How did this start and I didn’t realize until lately?”

Blaine sighed heavily. “We’ve been over this a million times, Kurt. Do you remember?”

Anger blossomed to the forefront of Kurt’s mind. “Stop talking to me like I’m a child. I’m your husband. I’m your partner. If nothing else, I’m your equal. Being pregnant hasn’t made me slow. Now I’m telling you that I stayed up because we need to talk about something. It’s important and it has to be said. I have to say it and you have to listen. So I suggest you park it in a chair and settle in.”

“But--”

“I don’t care if you’re going to be late for work,” Kurt interrupted. “Be late. I know you’re always telling me your job is important. But if it’s more than anything I might say to you, then we are going to seriously need to reevaluate what our marriage means, and if it’s worth trying to protect.”

Blaine seemed to contemplate his words for a moment, and it struck right into Kurt’s heart. But then his husband moved to a bar chair and slid onto it wordlessly.

“Okay,” Kurt breathed out, feeling both daunted and relieved. “This all … everything that I’m about to tell you, it all started because I was worried you weren’t bonding with the baby.” Blaine made to say something but Kurt snapped, “Let me get two words in.”

Blaine nodded mutely.

“I know,” Kurt stressed, “what you said. I know you claimed that you were fine with the baby as is, and that you didn’t feel like you needed any outside intervention. But Blaine, your grandmother practically raised you. She was so amazing, and you loved her so much, but when she died, you didn’t cry, and you didn’t fly out for the funeral. You just told me you were okay, and asked if I wanted Italian for dinner. You’re not especially good at expressing your emotions. You bottle things up, like you think people can’t handle seeing you be vulnerable for just an instance. So I knew, okay, I knew that you were lying when you told me you were okay with this whole baby issue.”

“I …” Kurt thought maybe Blaine would try to defend himself, but then he quieted down, and there was nothing.

Hesitantly, Kurt said, “I thought for sure that you’d love this baby as much as me if you knew where it was coming from. If you could relate to it, on any level. I thought maybe it would help if you knew what our donor was like, and therefore what our baby would be predisposed to be like.”

“I looked at the file,” Blaine said plainly. “The one you picked.”

He’d glanced at it, but Kurt didn’t say that much. “I know, but numbers and stats can only tell you so much. They’re not really a clear picture of who a person is, and you know it. I’m talking about being able to known if our baby’s donor was a good person. Does he think of others before himself? Is he charitable? Does he have good taste in clothes?”

Blaine cracked a smile and added, “Does he know his Channel from his Gucci?”

Kurt posed, “More like does he have a sense of humor? Does he get frustrated easily? Is he outgoing? Friendly? Personable? Does he like to try new things, or is he perfectly happy with what he already knows? These are the little things about a person’s personality that add up to everything big that matters. I’m not saying that our baby is going to be a carbon copy of our donor, because we’re the parents, and we’re raising this baby. But it’s got to impact our baby if only a little, and I wanted you to be able to know the little things, so we can nurture and foster them, and just know a bit more about the situation.”

Blaine frowned and pointed out, “We signed a confidentially contract. Are you saying we shouldn’t have gone with an anonymous donor?”

“I’m saying that, too,” Kurt agreed, “but more importantly, I’m saying that Tina knows everyone in this city worth knowing. She also knows all their business, and I suspect it’s because she gets them high as a kite when they come see her and they spill all their secrets to her, but that’s not the point. The point is, when you need to know something, you go to Tina and she gets you the answers you need. I call it her second job.”

Blaine shrugged. “Okay.”

“Meaning,” Kurt eased out, “confidentiality doesn’t really matter.”

“Kurt!” Blaine was on his feet a moment later. “Swear to me that you didn’t do what I think you’re telling me you did.”

“I was desperate!”

Blaine snapped, “We’re going to get sued!”

“That’s what you’re most worried about?” Kurt asked. “A lawsuit?”

“I can’t believe you.” Blaine crossed the kitchen to the far side, then locked his hands on the countertop and kept his back to Kurt.

“I did it for this family,” Kurt defended. “And no matter what it became, that’s what it started as. Because I was worried, and when I worry, I make rash decisions. So I went to Tina, and I asked for information on my donor, anything she could drag up. I got a whole file full.” It was still hidden in the closet, locked away under photo albums and work files.

“Damage control,” Blaine mumbled. “I have to do damage control. I can shift some cases around and see how far down the rabbit hole you’ve taken us, Kurt.”

The smile that came onto Kurt’s face was unintended. It just sort of happened as Kurt said, “His name is Dave. Dave Karofsky. And he’s pretty much the guy that all parents want their kids to bring home. He’s funny and smart and kind and adventurous. He’ll try anything once, even the things he doesn’t think he’ll like it, and he’ll do for others what he’s reluctant to do for himself. He always opens the door for me, but when I beat him to it, he thanks me for holding it open for him. And he thinks the differences in people make everything interesting, which I think opposite of, and he--”

“Kurt.” Blaine turned around, eyes accusing. “How do you know all this?”

Kurt put his hands up. “I swear to you, I just wanted to know more about him. I just wanted information. I was never going to actually talk to him. The plan wasn’t to ever let him know that I existed.”

“You talked to him!”

“I …” How could he tell Blaine what Dave was to him. “I ran into him on accident. Mason and Sam and I were going to do something for Mason’s school. A project. And we decided to stop by this block party fundraiser that was going on. I ran into him there. He’s … easy to talk to. He’s a friend.”

“A friend?” Blaine was so angry he was red in the face. “Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me, Kurt? It’s bad enough you looked up highly illegal information on this guy. But you met him? You actually talked to him? Does he know who you are? Please tell me he doesn’t know who you are. Because if he doesn’t, we can still--”

“He’s one of my best friends, and I’ve known him roughly two months. In fact, I’ve spent more time with him during that time than I have with you. We went places.” Kurt couldn’t help his chuckle. “He made me go to a baseball game. I hate sports, but I had a great time. And then we went to the Met, and tried Swarma. Do you know what Swarma is? It’s really good. The point is, I spent my days off with him and he’s a firefighter, remember? So I’d go to the firehouse and spent time with him and his friends. We’re more than friends, Blaine. He’s so important to me.”

“Oh, god.” Blaine rubbed his hands over his face.

“What happened with us?”

Blaine looked up. “Huh?”

“We use to be everything to each other. The only important people on the planet were each other. We were so in love. And then something happened. Maybe we just drifted. I think this baby made it worse. Regardless, things changed and I don’t know what to do. I think … maybe Dave became to me what you used to be.”

Blaine paled and froze. “What’re are you saying?”

Here it was. The moment. The precipice. The point of no return. If he said what he needed to, there was a good chance Blaine might end their marriage. At the very least, the problems that they were already having were going to double, if not triple.

“There’s a level of intimacy between us. Myself and Dave,” Kurt explained. “I can tell him anything, and the trust is … unspoken. There’s this connection between us. And we … I took him to the theater. He wanted to see where I worked, said it was only fair, and I agreed. We went back to my office and we were just talking, and then he kissed me.”

The blank look Blaine gave him was haunting.

“He caught me off guard the first time.”

“The first time?”

With a shaky nod, Kurt added, “There was a second kiss in that office. That one I could have avoided. But I didn’t. Because … because …” He had to keep going, even as the ground he stood on crumbled. “Because part of me loved it. Because I liked the attention Dave gave me, and the care he paid to me, the kind that you should have been. Because I was angry at you, and frustrated and I wanted someone who wanted me. But mostly … mostly because it was nice. He kissed me, Blaine, and there’s something there with him that isn’t there with you anymore. That’s the truth and he said I had to be honest with you. He was right.”

Blaine pursed his lips. “You …” He paused, looking away.

“I never wanted anything from him.” Kurt leaned against the island bar. “I didn’t even want friendship, but I got it, and then some. I don’t know what I feel for him, Blaine, and I know you’re my husband, but I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore. It would only be wrong to lie to both you and myself about that.”

“You know, there are some things about you that I never liked.” Blaine crossed his arms. “The same can probably be said for the way you feel about me. But this? I never expected this. I never thought for a second that you’d be a cheater. Not you.”

It was odd. He’d expected when he told Blaine the truth that there’d be plenty of tears to go around. He thought he’d cry, maybe even sob. He’d wanted to cry with Dave. But it was strange. He only felt numb with Blaine. And maybe still a little angry.

“I never meant to.” Kurt meant that was every bit of his heart. “I don’t know where we stand, or what’s going to happen in the future, but more than anything, I never wanted to hurt you. I started out wanting to help you. It was always just to help.”

“Great job. Really.”

Kurt mumbled, “I don’t blame you--”

“For what?” Blaine snapped. “Being mad?”

Kurt licked his chapped lips. “I’m sorry. I had to tell you. And there was … there’s something else.”

“Did you fuck him too?”

Kurt reeled back, as if he’d been physically assaulted. He could barely get his feet under him as he stammered, “What? No! I was just going to say I kissed him again. Or he kissed me. I guess it’s moot point. I didn’t sleep with anyone.”

“How can I believe that?” Blaine demanded. “You’re sitting here telling me that you went off to get attention from some other guy because I’ve been working long nights, and you think I’m not going to believe for one second that you--”

“I would never!” Kurt shouted.

“I wouldn’t have thought you’d kiss someone else, too. Or go back on your wedding vows. I’m glad they meant so much to you.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“Sorry doesn’t mean much to me when you tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

That was wrong. That was absolutely wrong. “That’s not it at all.” Kurt reached for him, but as expected, Blaine flinched away. “I still love you, Blaine. I will always love you. Nothing will ever change that. But there’s a difference when you’re an adult, between loving someone and being in love with them.”

Blaine leveled him with an icy glare. “Are you in love with this guy Dave? Dave Karofsky? Is it because it’s his kid? Would you still be in love with him if it was mine?”

If it was Blaine’s, Kurt didn’t think they’d be in the situation that they were. But regardless, he told Blaine, “I’m not in love with Dave. I know there’s something there, something with potential, but it’s not love. Not yet. I’m not saying I’m not in love with you because I’m in love with him.”

Blaine swiped his thermos from the nearby countertop and said, “Are you asking for a divorce?”

Kurt looked down at his stomach. It was supposed to be their baby. They were supposed to be raising it together and loving it together. Kurt didn’t know he could do it without Blaine, and who knew about Dave.

“I don’t think so, but I don’t know.”

“Do you know anything?”

Kurt was forced to admit, “Right now? No. I’m so confused.”

Blaine stalked his way over to the front door, snagging his keys on the way. “Better to be confused than hurt. Why don’t you chew on that.”

“Are you…” Kurt wanted to reach out for him. He wanted to promise Blaine that they’d be okay, even though he knew they wouldn’t. “Are you going to come home tonight?” Would Blaine leave him? Was he leaving Blaine?

“I don’t know,” Blaine said gruffly. “Things are never going to be the same. We’re never going back to what we were. You cheated. You did this to us. And I don’t know if I can fix it. I don’t know if I want to. I don’t … I can’t even look at your face. I don’t think we’re going to work, Kurt. I think we’re done.”

Blaine left with a slam to the door and Kurt took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled after his retreating husband.

But part of him wasn’t.

There was no afternoon show at the theater, just an evening, and Kurt decided the best way to take his mind off the destruction of his marriage was to run errands. He needed desperately to go grocery shopping, there was dry cleaning to pick up, and he needed to get cash from the bank. It was a good enough distraction, running the errands, and he was thankful. It helped tot take his mind of the reality of the situation, and the fact that he’d have to tell his dad the next time he called that he’d failed at marriage, and worse, he’d become a cheater. He wasn’t sorry for Dave, but he was for his actions.

And then the absolute worst thing that could have happened, did, right around noon. Kurt was on his way to his car, a bag filled with new cloth material in hand, when he spotted Sebastian Smyth in front of him.

“Don’t.” Kurt held up a hand to stall whatever the boy was going to say. “Just don’t. Whatever you’re going to say, whatever joke you’re going to make, however you’re going to try and get under my skin. Just don’t. I don’t have the time or patience or willpower to deal with you.”

“That’s charming, gay-face,” Sebastian prattled off, “that you actually think I care that much about you.”

“No,” Kurt corrected, trying to step around him on the near vacant street, “I care that little about you. Got it? Now get out of my way.”

“Hey.” Sebastian gripped Kurt’s forearm firmly, refusing to let him pass. “You’re mildly more delusional than I thought you were if you think I want to be within a ten mile radius of you. I can smell the stereotypes in the air. And contrary to your pretty little ego, this is completely a coincidence. But since I have you here--”

Kurt leveled up his mace with his free hand. “You have three seconds to let go of me right now, or else I’m going to give this to you right in your eyes and when you fall to the ground screaming, I’m going to start kicking. Better let go now, just to be safe, I may not wait until I get to three.”

Sebastian let go of him right away with blown eyes. “Jesus, Hummel. Your panties, untwist them. I just want to know why Blaine’s on a rage fit of epic proportions down at the office right now. I ducked out right around the time he threw his stapler at my head for asking why he was so upset. He puts up with you enough to live with you. If anyone knows what’s wrong, I bet you do.”

Kurt hated Sebastian. He hated the smirks, the attitude, the superiority complex, the smug faces, and the snide comments. He hated the Sebastian had no respect for other people, and couldn’t keep his mouth closed, or his legs for that matter, for more than a minute. He loathed and despised Sebastian for targeting Blaine as the ultimate prize, and for making a game of it all.

But it was hard to hate Sebastian when he was so tired, and when he was so beat down. His marriage with Blaine was over. He’d cheated, he’d fallen out of love with his husband, and he’d led another boy on however unintentional it had been. He felt like a mess and all he wanted was to crawl under a rock and hide from the word for a while. But mostly he was too tired to deal with Sebastian.

“You won.”

Sebastian looked confused. “I’m pretty sure I’d win anything I was in competition against you with, but you could be a little more specific.”

Kurt bit his tongue for a moment, then said, “Blaine. You won. He’s all yours. Have at him. Maybe you won’t make the same mistakes I did. However, considering you’re a manwhore, I’m not so sure about that.”

“Wait, what?”

Kurt was halfway down the street before Sebastian caught up with him, demanding to know what he was talking about.

“I’m still thinking about pepper spraying you,” Kurt warned as his car came into view.

“Do it then,” Sebastian said with a snort, “just run that last part by me one more time. Because I don’t think I heard you right.”

Kurt stopped so suddenly that Sebastian nearly smashed into him. It made a comical sight for the taller boy to barely catch himself in time, stumbling around Kurt as his legs bowed out.

“My marriage is over,” Kurt said succinctly. It was getting easier to acknowledge. It was getting easier to admit to. He wasn’t sure what that said about how much it had meant before it was gone. “I’m pretty sure Blaine is leaving me.”

“Leaving you?” Sebastian burst out laughing. “That idiot is head over heels in love with you. I’ve never been able to see why, and I’ve questioned once or twice if he’s a little slow for it, but the truth remains.”

Kurt shrugged. “Then your truth is flawed.”

“You’re serious?” Sebastian’s face fell flat. “Really serious?”

Kurt told him, feeling a burst of guilt in his chest, “We talked this morning, and I thought he was pretty clear. So you won. Congratulations. You can expect to find him camped out on your couch tonight.”

“Why?”

Kurt looked over to him. “Why what?”

Sebastian’s hands went to his hips and he repeated, “Why? I told you, he’s in love with you. Why would he end your marriage if he was in love with you?”

“Why do you care?” Kurt fisted his keys and headed to his car once more. “You got what you wanted and that’s all that should matter to you.”

“I care,” Sebastian said, rushing to keep up, “because Blaine’s my best friend, and because for being quite the little diva bitch, you’re the best entertainment that money can’t buy.”

“I …” Kurt slowed. “I made a mistake. I … I cheated on him. I cheated on Blaine, and when I came clean to him, and told him everything, he let me know that we were done.”

Sebastian shook his head. “No way. Now way you cheated, princess. You walk around with your head held so much higher than everyone else, and act like you’re the leading example of propriety and good behavior. No way you cheated.”

“I know what I did,” Kurt ground out, reaching his car. “I’m sure you’re aware of my dirty laundry. It’s probably no big secret to you that Blaine and I have been having issues. And there was someone else. You’ll never understand, you don’t deserve to know, either, but he was there and he kissed me. Several times. I cheated and that’s that.”

Sebastian blinked at him. “Are you being absolutely serious?” He burst out laughing. “On what planet do you consider that cheating?”

“This one,” Kurt snapped, “and frankly, it doesn’t matter in the slightest bit if I consider it cheating. Blaine does. And he can’t trust a cheater. He can’t love a cheater. If to Blaine it’s cheating, then I cheated, and it does feel a lot like cheating. There were … feelings involved. They weren’t just pointless kisses. Do you …” Kurt trailed off at the ashen look on Sebastian’s face. “Are you okay?”

Clearing his throat, Sebastian asked, “Blaine told you he’s leaving you because you cheated?”

“Not in so many words. Not exactly.” Kurt frowned. “He didn’t say those words exactly, but I’m sure he meant that.”

Sebastian jerked forward and caught his arm, startling Kurt as he blurted out, “Can I buy you a cup of coffee?”

“No.” Kurt tried to pull free. “For several reasons, including the fact that I wouldn’t be surprised if you managed to smuggle arsenic into my cup, and also because I’ve already had two cups today. That’s one more than I’m supposed to have. Also, I don’t get coffee with people I hate.”

“Tea then?” Sebastian pressed. “There’s a tea shop around the corner.”

“Remember that mace I told you I have and will use with extreme prejudice if you don’t let go of me?” Not to mention some teas had more caffeine than coffee. Being pregnant had been a learning experience of many things, including his diet.

Then Sebastian mumbled, “Please. We have to talk.”

Kurt had never heard the word come out of his mouth like that, never as a request, and never as something so desperate. This was a whole new side of Sebastian Kurt had never seen before. And barely believed.

Slowly, and still a little unsure, Kurt nodded. “Okay. But find me somewhere with decent, organic orange juice.”

Sebastian thumbed down the street. “Follow me.”

Fifteen minutes later Kurt had his juice and a nervous and jittery Sebastian in front of him. The baby kicked happily as Kurt drank and he tried to be patient.

“Look,” Sebastian grunted, eyes down to the table, “I don’t like you. You’re the thorn in my ass that I’ve been trying to dig out for years and never managed.”

“I’m not surprised you like to dig around in your ass obsessively.”

Sebastian’s eyes flashed up to meet Kurt’s, angry. “Listen up, darling. I think you’re the antithesis of gay face. And more than that, you’ve got the personality of cardboard. But underneath it all, I have this begrudging respect for you. You always have a quip, you never let me down with our banter, and I guess what I’m saying is that if I’m attracted to anything, it’s probably your wit. Actually, we’d probably have some really hot sex, at least we would have before you got fat.”

Kurt wanted to snort into his drink. “I really hope there’s a point to all this.”

Sebastian’s hands locked around his coffee cup. “Whether I like you or not is not the point. Whether Blaine is the other party involved or not, doesn’t really matter either. What does is that on this subject, on the matter of cheating, you don’t deserve to be made the bad guy. And I have to go to confessional every Sunday to keep my mom from taking away my trust fund, so you can think of this as me being exceedingly selfish if you want.”

“The bad guy is usually the one who cheats,” Kurt reminded.

“Do you remember when Blaine and I went to Boston a while ago?”

Kurt nodded. “The firm sent a bunch of you out there. Blaine didn’t seem like he had a great time.” Kurt remembered the drunken phone call all too clearly. In all actuality, it had been a final push he’d been looking for.

“I … uh …” Sebastian bit his lip, then blurted out in a hushed whisper, “Blaine let me blow him.”

The orange juice slipped from Kurt’s hand, the glass clattering down hard onto the table. A bit of it sloshed over the side, but the glass remained upright as Kurt tried to figure out if he’d heard Sebastian right. “Excuse me?”

Sebastian leaned over the table so Kurt could hear him more clearly without having to raise his voice. “After you two had that fight on the phone, we went back to my hotel room and he let me blow him. We were going to sleep together, and we probably would have, but he started puking and passed out after that.”

“You … with my husband?”

He wanted to reach across the table and strangle the life out of Sebastian.

“I hate you,” Sebastian rushed to say, “but I’m not going to let Blaine pin you with a cheating stigma when what you did was kiss a guy a couple times, and Blaine did much worse.”

Kurt seethed, “You are a pathetic waste of space, Sebastian Smythe. I know you’ve been in love with my husband for years now, over a decade, but to do this …”

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian said. “It wasn’t a malicious thing. It was a drunken thing.”

“And that makes it better?” Kurt demanded. “A little alcohol makes it okay for you to get on your knees? With my husband?”

“I didn’t tell you this because I want to be a better person.” Sebastian ran a hand through his hair. “I just told you because Blaine is my best friend, but something like this? Him calling you the cheater? That’s not okay. Even if he wants to pretend it was a mistake …”

And Jesus Christ, Kurt could see it plain as day. He’d always known about Sebastian’s infatuation with Blaine. It had been there since day one. There was no denying it and no escaping it. Kurt had always pegged it as simple lust. But the truth was staring him right in the yes. The crumple of hurt on Sebastian’s face told Kurt that he loved Blaine, and in the way that Kurt didn’t anymore. Sebastian was in love with Blaine, and probably had been from the beginning.

Kurt certainly wasn’t trying to justify Sebastian, and his hatred for the man was only growing, but so was the sadness. Kurt wondered what it must have felt like for Sebastian to stand up next to Blaine when they’d married, and not say a word.

“Would you have told me if my marriage hadn’t ended? If Blaine hadn’t called me a cheater?”

Sebastian winced, and Kurt took it as a no.

Kurt got to his feet. “I need to go. So like I said, congratulations, Sebastian. He’s all yours. You already had him once, so go get it again.”

“He doesn’t love me,” Sebastian said, voice rising. “He may have let me blow him, but he still loves you, whether he wants to leave you or not. I haven’t won him.”

“I don’t care if you don’t want him now,” Kurt said with a shrug. “He’s yours. You tell him … you tell him when you next see him that I know. I don’t care if you tell him that you told me or not. You just let him know I know what happened between the two of you, and if we were barely hanging on by a thread before, the last of it just broke.”

There was no indecision left. There was only the last remnants of his marriage, and the potential that had been squandered. He and Blaine were supposed to be together forever, and it looked now like they’d never really stood a chance.

“Can I ask you something?”

“No,” Kurt snapped.

Sebastian sighed. “Well, on the upside you can stop walking around the firm like a tool.”

“What?” Kurt sputtered. “How many people know you can’t keep your legs closed with my husband?”

Sebastian looked confused for a moment, then shook his head. “No. I meant your kid. Every time you come in there, boasting about how it’s Blaine’s kid, some of us have a good old laugh about it.”

That sent chills through Kurt’s body. “Some of you … laughed?” The Warblers, probably. The boys who still called themselves that even so many years after graduation from their Academy. The firm was full of them, all Blaine’s close friends, and some of them more like brothers.

“Yeah,” Sebastian looked even more uncomfortable. “There’s nothing cute about you trying to pass that kid off as Blaine’s.”

Kurt had to steady himself on the back of the chair in front of him. “Blaine told people?” Blaine had actually told people that they’d gone to a fertility clinic and used a donor? But they’d agreed not to. They’d decided that everyone and their mother needed to think that the baby was their’s, if only to prevent unwanted opinions from forming. The idea that Blaine would have told anyone, let alone a group of people?

“What do you mean told?”

“We agreed,” Kurt pressed on. “We didn’t want anyone to know about the fertility clinic. We just wanted to keep our skeletons in the closet for as long as possible. And it isn’t anyone’s business but ours anyway.”

Sebastian got to his own feet. “Fertility clinic? Some of us thought you’d gotten a little handsy with someone else. You know, in the horizontal way, and that Blaine was too much of a gentleman to leave you. That’s why the kissing thing threw me. I thought you’d slept with someone else and gotten knocked up.”

“Why would …”

“Because Blaine couldn’t have gotten you pregnant,” Sebastian finished.

“He told you about his infertility?” Kurt asked. It shouldn’t have surprised him. They were best friends, and Kurt told his girls everything, so if it had been him, and not Blaine, he would have said something. With or without a promise.

Sebastian shrugged. “Yeah. About ten years ago.”

“Ten …”

“Kurt!”

Sebastian was lightening fast as he jetted to his side, keeping him standing and then easing him down into his chair.

“We tried,” Kurt said, tears pricking his eyes, chest hitching, “for seven years for a baby. I kept telling him, something was wrong, something had to be wrong, and he kept saying it was like winning the lottery. Like a roulette. All chance.”

“Kurt?”

He choked out a sob. “And then when the doctor told us he was infertile, I thought our dreams of a baby were gone. We’d wasted so much time trying the natural way only to find out in that instance that it never would have worked. We could have tried for fifty years and it wouldn’t have worked.” He felt the tears finally break free and slide down his cheeks as he looked at Sebastian. “But he lied. He lied to me. When I asked if he knew he was infertile, he lied and said no. He said he was just as shocked as I was. He sat there and lied to me.”

“You look really pale. I think I should--”

“All those years,” Kurt repeated. “All those years of desperate hopes and night after night going to bed angry and upset with Blaine trying to comfort me. And he knew the whole time. He knew we’d never make a baby. He knew we’d never get pregnant. He knew before we married, even after I told him how badly I wanted a family. He lied. He knew.”

His shoulders began to shake as he put his face in his hands and cried. The baby was oddly quiet inside him and Sebastian’s hand came to rest tentatively on his shoulder.

“He knew,” Kurt cried out.

It was a betrayal worse than Kurt had ever known. And it was unforgivable.