Chapter Text
(Opening Chapter):
Golden rays glistened through the window, unbearably so. Watching as the sunlight made its way through the blinds and sheer navy curtains, my mother had installed years before, I felt only dread arise within me. My limbs grew rigid before languidly splaying against the mattress; each stretch, each joint cracked, feels more like a labor than a routine. Once I've managed to rouse myself from Cooper's bed, I've practically already stumbled to the floor. A familiar weary knock thumps against the door before I've the chance to straighten.
"Sweetie…? What're you doing in Cooper's room? I told you it'll only make it harder if you dwell on it."
Mom's voice came out hoarse, almost as though to chastise the mere concept; the mere idea of me sleeping in the room he left behind. And just like the many times before it, I simply squeeze past the doorway without another word. And yet, she calls to me regardless.
"I'm just… trying to help you, Cody." Her voice falters before starting again.
"It's your first day tomorrow, aren't you excited? First year of high school. Do you remember everything Ms. Eleanor instructed you to do?" She'd diverge, her enthusiasm a bit off-putting.
"…Yeah. I remember, Mom. I have everything written down, just like she told me to…" I'd crack.
I hadn't meant to sound so somber. I hadn't meant to mope. All but yet, I'd see my reflection in her glossed eyes, that's how I knew she hadn't meant to think on it either. Looking towards his bathroom, the door creaks just enough to see the shattered mirror. It's cracked almost purposely to shine light on the bin, the bin I've rummaged through countless times; at this point, methodically. Each time I'd incidentally graze my finger on the razors he disposed of so recklessly before he left. And yet, I come back to it like the cheap beers he used to sneak from the fridge. Cooper was never one to follow Dad's rules, even till the end. Just as the thought crossed my mind, it would predict the next few words I'd undoubtedly hear.
"Cody Min, you get your fucking ass away from your brother's room! Are you even listening to me? Hana! Tell him to get away from that goddamn room! Hana? Hana!" My father's words echoed through the hallway.
My mother simply gave me a look, the look that told me to simply comply; to not make things harder than they already are. Her furrowed brows told me everything I needed to know; they told me stories, told me right from wrong. So, what else was there to do but comply? Each lazy stride would trail me to my room; the door still unhinged, and the bed still unmade. But… all I could manage to do was dote, escape into a mindscape I'd created for myself, and myself only. As my body mindlessly guided me through the chores of life: tidying, eating, and obeying the many commands the house forced upon me, my mind was elsewhere. Not on the impending doom of my freshman year, but rather on what was, and what could be.
Ever since I got into school, I've envisioned the person I'd be; overshadowed by the looming figure of Cooper, I'd relish in the greatness he shone onto me, even if I felt as though I was hidden by it. Until he began acting out, even then, even as his closet grew darker and heavier, I looked at him like a patron saint. And when he began spending less time around me, I didn't shy away from his image; I built a mirage whereas I could follow where he led. That one day I'd amount to everything he had, ribbons, trophies, and certificates. When I was young, I begged to grow up; and now, sometimes I wish things could've just stayed how they were. But… high school, it'll be different, surely. Whether I'm ready or not.