Work Text:
“Iwaizumi Hajime,
I could have loved you.
I could have held you in your darkest days.
You know that I could have done everything and more.
I wish I could have.
There are so many things in this world that I wanted to tell you. That I wanted to show you. Sometimes you cross my mind and I want to reach out, but I can’t.
When I see some Godzilla articles whilst rolling my timeline down I remember you used to talk about that with a burning passion that made my eyes shine just by seeing you so happy.
Sometimes I go to the street market and see your favorite fruit and I have to resist the urge to send you a picture. To buy them just so we can share. I have to resist many and many urges when the subject is you.
I’ve been in the eye of the hurricane and back. I’ve been to hell and to heaven and, still, sometimes you stick into my mind as if you were coated in superglue.
Sometimes you appear in my dreams just to make me even more confused. Sometimes we talk. Sometimes you talk too much and I don’t answer. My subconscious mind remembers the touch of your hand and shows it to me in my oneiric world. Last night, in my dreams, you sent me a bunch of messages and I couldn’t answer them.
No, I don’t want that, not anymore.
When you decided to say goodbye, I had to close my heart’s doors even though I told you they would be opened. I am a liar. I could not let you. I could not let myself because I know there’s a part of me that still considers you a weak spot.
I love you. Ever since we met. Ever since our first hello, I knew it would be love.
But when I see it with other eyes today, I cannot help but recall sleepless nights, rolling around my bed, with tears in my eyes, an angry heart and way too many questions. I don’t know if I want this again.
‘The only way out is through’, I say to myself. I already have a bad knee so what is another bad knee from kneeling and asking the skies to, please, let you stay in my life? I guess nothing.
I wrote you a thousand letters and I burned them all because I couldn’t let you any closer to them. I was so angry, so sad, so full of thoughts, of screams, of everything you can imagine. I have so many questions but the one that stays ingrained in my mind is: ‘why?’ This one will never leave, but nevermind.
Sometimes I talk about you over wine bottles. I give myself permission to feel every single thing I have to feel. My new milestone is that I stopped feeling a lump in my throat when your name leaves my lips.
The worst part of it all is: I lost my best friend. The one I’d tell each and every thing to. The one I could talk about every single thing, from the most random to the most serious one. The one who saw me at my lowest and at my highest.
I miss being your friend. I miss talking to you.
But seeing you at the moment, even through pictures, makes my gut shrink. I know I can’t see you and I am trying my best to protect my peace by keeping this door closed. Sometimes I want to keep it ajar just to peek if you’d come closer but something inside of me tells me that, now, that would mean another round of sleepless nights full of anxiety and bad dreams in which you were leaving me.
I guess this one came true, right?
I dream of you. I dream a lot.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever dream of me and wake up confused just the way I do, even though I know you probably don’t. There is peace in not knowing.
I don’t know you now.
But sometimes, just like a shooting star, you cross my mind.
Can I make a wish?
Goodbye, Hajime.
(Once) yours,
Oikawa Tooru.”