Work Text:
It happens again like every other night.
Jisoo wakes up from a nightmare. A nightmare that has been haunting him for years. It always leaves him gasping for air as beads of sweat form on his forehead. The incident replays in his head every night in his sleep like he shouldn't forget about it.
At this point, he is convinced that his own mind is torturing itself with these recurring nightmares and forcing itself not to move on. But Jisoo wants to move on. If he was able to move on, he thinks that an overwhelming amount of guilt would eat him up bit by bit, afraid of feeling hatred for himself by being inside of his own skin.
Hong Jisoo doesn't hate a lot of things. He believed that there was nothing in the world he could hate. But if anything, it would be himself.
He hated himself for not getting over something that took place years ago. It wasn't his fault-as everyone told him. It was something that could have happened to anybody and everyone feels that way. Although many parts of Jisoo believed that it was all him because maybe, just maybe, he could have prevented it from happening if he was there.
He would still be here with Jisoo, by his side.
Jisoo curls himself into a ball underneath his blanket, filling the dark, silent room with quiet sobs and mournful sighs. He takes deep breaths in an attempt to calm down, though he fails miserably as he begins sobbing once more and trembles in his own arms.
He wipes his tears before shutting his eyes entirely to try and get some more sleep despite just waking up from a nightmare. Jisoo wishes he would just get over it, and his friends thought the same-mainly for the sake of Jisoo's health. They noticed the lack of sleep he was getting and made him see a doctor. He was prescribed some medication for sleep that would help him, and it did.
However, Jisoo was told not to take too many a day and he obeyed. Although, Jisoo thought he could really use one right now. He contemplated whether or not he should take it.
After some thought, Jisoo decided to make a glass of warm milk. It reminded Jisoo of him and it hurt. On the days he couldn't fall asleep early, he would get Jisoo a glass of warm milk, even if he was half asleep. That showed how much he loved and cared for Jisoo.
Jisoo sits at the edge of his bed, sliding his favourite cow slippers on and heads out of his bedroom. He's met with a cool breeze hitting his skin, he wonders why it was so cold in the hallway. It was dead quiet, nothing was heard except the hard wooden floor creaking with each step he took.
He got to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. As he was about to grab the milk carton, a soft voice welcomed him from behind.
"Is my Joshuji having trouble sleeping?"
Jisoo froze. Joshuji? That soft voice sounded oddly familiar and there was only one person who called him that nickname. But it can't be. There is absolutely zero chance it could be who he's thinking of.
He turned his head to see his best friend sitting at the dining table. Rays of moonlight shone brightly through the windows of the small apartment, embracing the delicate skin of the boy who was once Jisoo's lover. His skin glows so beautifully, Jisoo feels a lump in his throat.
In front of his past lover was a glass of milk. Jisoo assumes that it's one of the lovely glasses of warm milk that his darling would always make for him. Only him.
Jisoo nodded, unable to speak as he was too afraid he'd break into tears. His lover beckons Jisoo to sit across from him and he does. Jisoo has many, many questions: how is this possible? Has he finally lost his mind? Is this a dream? He thought his lover was...
"This helped you before, hasn't it my sweet Joshuji?" He passed the glass to Jisoo with a loving smile on his lips. A smile that always made Jisoo grin and fall in love all over again. The smile that his heart missed so deeply, and the smile that makes him want to cry out his fragile soul.
Jisoo sniffles and realizes that he's already crying. His lover's eyes did not gleam dazzlingly like they did before, they stayed pitch black and blank. And those bewitching lips of his were pale like the milk in the glass that Jisoo held in his hand.
"Don't cry, my love. You should drink some, I wouldn't want you to stay awake the whole night again. It makes me sad." he frowned, tilting his head to the side.
Jisoo took a deep, shaky breath and whispered, "But if I drink it and fall asleep, you'll disappear. I need you here with me, Hannie. I miss you so much it hurts."
"I can't..." Jeonghan replies, looking down at the dining table, "Please, Jisoo. Drink some of the warm milk I made for you. I need you to sleep soon."
Jisoo shakes his head, endless tears rolling down his cheeks. "I want to talk to you longer."
"Jisoo, please. I just wanted to check up on you and help you." Jeonghan stares into Jisoo's eyes and Jisoo swears it looked like he was pleading, but the eyes of his lover stayed blank.
"Well, I'm not doing so great, Han. I get nightmares of what happened that day and I'm afraid that it's going to stay like that until the day that I die. I'm never going to be okay because it's my fault that the love of my life isn't here with me anymore." Jisoo cries out.
"And if I sleep, I'll lose you again. I don't want that to happen, Jeonghan. So please, please don't make me drink this milk." he continued.
uses his hands to bury his face in it, apologizing multiple times, "I'm sorry, I can't." He looks at Jisoo once again, "But it was never your fault, Jisoo. I promise, my lovely Joshuji has always been the most loving and kindest to me. You could never be the cause of what happened."
"So then why...? Why did you..." Jisoo's voice was unsteady.
"You'll find out soon, I'm sorry for coming years later, Joshuji. But right now I need you to drink this milk before it gets cold, can you do that for me?"
sobs, nodding his head slowly and Jeonghan shows his tender smile again. He brings the glass of warm milk to his lips, hesitating for a second before gulping the milk until the last drop.
"Thank you, my dear Joshuji. I have always loved you and I still do, but I need you to move on now. I'm happy there and I want you to be happy here. I just need you to promise me that you'll be okay after I leave."
Jisoo's eyelids have become heavier as time slowly passes by and he sighs deeply, "No, but I'll try as hard as I can. Just for you. I'm going to try because I love you."
"I know you do and hearing all that has made me feel pleased. Thank you, Jisoo. I know you won't forget about me, you're not that kind of person. Once you've moved on and found happiness, I want you to remember that you made this decision for yourself and I'm proud of you." Jeonghan's sweet smile never leaves his face as he looks at Jisoo.
Jisoo is truly thankful for this moment and to have known someone so caring, he beams at the boy in front of him. But the smile slowly fades away as he remembers something, "I'm sorry I wasn't there with you on the day it happened, Jeonghan. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know, if I knew I would've stopped you-"
Jeonghan immediately shakes his head and cuts him off, "No, no. Of course, you didn't know and that's okay. It was me, I should have told you or anyone else, but I didn't. So I need you to stop blaming yourself, okay?"
"Okay," Jisoo nods.
"I love you," Jeonghan's lips curve into a smile once again.
"I love you too," Jisoo tries to smile back, but he yawns. The warm milk was making him more tired each minute and feels like he could pass out on that chair. But he doesn't, he tries to stay awake to be with his darling a little longer.
"My Joshuji is sleepy, can you go to bed now? I don't want you to fall asleep here, it'll be too uncomfortable for you."
Jisoo only nods, he's too tired. Jeonghan smiles at him and mouths a 'thank you' to him. He stands up from his chair and makes his way to the hallway, but he stops. He turns around to face Jeonghan, "Can you come with-"
Jeonghan isn't there anymore.
And Jisoo finally remembers that his lover was dead. He had been for nearly five years now.
But Jisoo doesn't cry because that talk was real, Jeonghan was here. He knows damn well because that empty glass cup stayed on the dining table. Instead, he softly smiles and walks to his bedroom to finally have a good night's sleep.
end.
:)