Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It happened way too fast.

Maybe it started long ago, or maybe it just started recently, but the first time Ayato noticed Ajax's declining health was on their way home after a date. Ajax stopped abruptly during their walk, holding his chest with a pained face. Ayato insisted on going to the doctor right away, but Ajax just chuckled, saying that he worried too much.

“I'm just tired. You know I had a lot of practice for the upcoming concert. It will cease once we complete the tour,” he said.

Ayato wanted to keep insisting for Ajax to have his body checked, just in case. But, he knew that Ajax is the most rockheaded person he has ever met —even he himself would admit defeat if he was in a stubborn contest with Ajax. So, he just nodded despite the worry that stayed still in his mind.

Ayato proceeds with his daily life, totally normal, just like usual. During the day, he works hard in his office, living his role as the new appointed CEO of their family business after his parents passed. When the night comes, sometimes he will meet Ajax on his way home, going on a simple date after a tiring day. Most of the time, Ajax is too busy with his practice that they can only meet through calls. They will tell each other how their day was going.

“I miss notes a lot these days. Rosalyne scolds me non stop, I start to hear her voice in my sleep.”

If there were no worries in his heart, Ayato would just chuckle. But, this time he furrows his brows, feeling the bad feeling creep up once again. “What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?”

“You're worrying too much,” Ajax says before he chuckles. “I'm just tired. Don't worry, I will get better in no time.”

So Ayato complies. The day before the concert tour officially starts, Ajax asks him for a date before he needs to travel abroad for the tour. It is just a simple date, just like how they usually have on working days. They eat sweets, they drink beers, they catch up on each other as they play games on their phone.

“Don't miss me too much, I will be gone only for two months,” Ajax says as he sips his drink. “I will call you every night to make sure you don't miss your daily Ajax dose.”

Ayato would throw back a remark if nothing worried him, saying things like who would even miss the menace before him. But, the bad feeling keeps creeping on him day by day, it makes him feel nothing but anxious.

“Make it a video call.”

Ajax looks at him amused, then he laughs hard as he puts his drink to stop it from spoiling. “Seems like you're going to miss me so much. Wanna tag along?”

Ayato nods, looking serious as he says, “I would love to.”

Ajax laughs once again, saying things like Ayato makes him feel reluctant to leave for the tour. He says that maybe he shouldn't go to work at all since Ayato has made enough money for them both —or maybe even more.

“Don't go, then.”

Ajax falls silent. His laughter stops as he sees the unwavering gaze that Ayato throws at him. Maybe it's because Ayato looks so serious —he doesn't even look this serious when they have a fight.

“You've been worrying so much lately, don't you?”

Ayato lowers his gaze. He sips his drink before he says, “Don't make me worry, then.”

“I barely do anything, for fuck’s sake,” Ajax hisses. Ayato can sense anger within his words. “Forget it. Let's call it a day. I'm done with you.”

And so they don't talk for days. Ajax doesn't call him every night like he promised, and Ayato doesn't have the intention to call first. Though, Ayato still follows the tour through social media, silently hoping everything goes smoothly for Ajax.

Days passed, and suddenly they hit 2 weeks of not talking to each other. Ayato has contemplated calling sometimes, but then he realizes he is not in the wrong this time. Yes, it is wrong for him to tell Ajax to give up his work only to give him mind reassurance. But, is it wrong to worry? He is worrying about Ajax’s wellbeing. It is for his best too, for fuck’s sake.

Incoming Calls
Ajax

Ayato looks at his phone silently. Letting the phone ring for a few more seconds before it goes off. He is still too angry, he doesn't think he can talk nicely.

But then Ajax calls again, longer this time. So Ayato picks up his phone. His thumb reluctantly swipes to accept the call.

“Ayato,” Ajax calls just after the line connects. His voice sounds so low, the hint of anger that fills his voice in his latest words has completely ceased.

Ayato remains silent, letting Ajax continue with anything he wants to say.

“I’m sorry,” Ajax whispers. There is a lot of guilt in his tone. “It's my fault indeed to make you worry. I'm sorry.”

Ayato’s heart softens. His jaw relaxes as the anger leaves him. He takes a deep breath before he says, “How are you?”

Ajax doesn't say anything, his breathing is the only thing Ayato can hear.

“I’m good,” Ajax says after a moment, a little bit awkward. “How about you?”

“I miss you.”

Ayato can't hear anything from Ajax again, like he just goes completely silent. So he checks his phone to see if the line still connects.

“Ajax?”

“I—” Ajax says following the silence. “I miss you too.”

Ayato tries not to smile, but then a chuckle escapes his lips. It has been a while since the last time they talked, so it is awkward indeed. He can hear Ajax laughs too in the other line, so they laugh for some time before they start catching up on what they have missed since they parted.

“I know you can't worry less about me,” Ajax says just before they end the call. “But I swear I can take care of myself. I rest well and eat well. I even made no errors during these two weeks, it is enough proof to make you worry less, isn't it?”

“Alright,” Ayato says. “Just don't exert yourself too much, I don't want to see you in pain like the last time again.”

Ajax chuckles. “It has been a long time, you know.”

“I know,” Ayato says, almost a whisper. “Can you promise me one more thing?”

“Sure, anything for my love.”

Ayato smiles. Ajax surely knows how to make him pleased.

“Let's get you checked in the hospital when the tour is over. I know a doctor here, so you don't have to worry even if it turns out to be just a common cold,” he says. “Just… do it for my peace of mind. Please.”

Ajax falls silent, but then he agrees. “Okay.”

Weeks passed by, they have had a video call every night since then. Suddenly, it's the last week of the concert before Ajax can go home. They are so excited to see each other again even when they basically have seen each other every night.

“You look pale,” Ayato says in their call. “Do you not feel well?”

“Huh?” Ajax says, seemingly confused. “I feel good.”

Ayato furrows his brows. “Don't lie.”

“Seriously,” Ajax says as he rolls his eyes. “Just a little headache, but it's nothing new. I will just take an ibuprofen before bed.”

“Go see a doctor. What if it gets worse in your sleep? You wouldn't ruin your own concert, would you?”

“I would get mad again if you say something like that, you know,” Ajax says, seeming like he starts to feel irritated. “I'm completely okay. Don't worry too much. The tour will end tomorrow then you can bring me to the doctor for all I care.”

Ayato falls silent. He knows they will get in a fight again if he opens his mouth. So he remains silent before he controls his voice so it sounds calmer. “Alright, good luck for the last concert. Call me again when it ends.”

Ajax nods as he waves his hand, a little bit awkward after his sudden rage. “Don't worry. Good night.”

Ayato receives an incoming call again on the next day, totally the same time as he usually gets a call from Ajax. So he mindlessly accepts it, expecting Ajax’s cheery greetings like what he always gets.

“A- Ayato, I'm Rosalyne,” someone in the other line says, sounding like she is on the verge of tears. “Ajax collapsed.”

Ayato falls silent, his mind slowly processing the words he just heard. His heart beats faster that it makes his hands tremble.

He wants to ask how Ajax is currently doing, but only a silent how is what his lips can manage.

“Everything went smoothly, we even had a wrap up party after the concert. It was just when we were about to go back to our rooms when Ajax suddenly held his chest in pain before he fainted,” Rosalyne says before a sob comes from her lips. “He is currently in the ER right now.”

“Send me the address,” Ayato says, his voice trembling without him knowing. “I will fly there right away.”

It doesn't take long before he finds himself on a midnight flight to the country where Ajax is. His brows keep furrowing, his legs keep shaking as anxiety creeps up his whole heart. It seems like he is right all this time. There is something wrong with Ajax, it's nearly impossible if it's just a common cold.

The sun has risen the moment he gets off the plane. He goes to the hospital as fast as he can. There, he can see Ajax’s colleagues sitting in the waiting room. They look like a mess as they stay up all night waiting for news.

“Rosalyne?” Ayato calls. He has heard her name frequently from Ajax’s stories, but this is the first time they ever meet.

One of the ladies looks up, her makeup looks like a real mess as she approaches him. “Ayato?”

Ayato nods before the lady before him breaks down in tears. He offers his handkerchief as he waits for her to calm down. It makes his mind wondering how bad Ajax’s state that it makes his friends cry this bad.

“They say it's a heart attack, but they still can't pinpoint what may have caused it. And his heart keeps failing, so they put him in the ICU,” Rosalyne says between her sobs. “They say his heartbeat sounds too irregular. He even went into cardiogenic shock just now.”

Ayato falls silent. His mind still processes every word he hears. This is… way too sudden. He knows something might be wrong with Ajax but he never expects it to be this bad.

“He looked pale last night. I told him to see a doctor but he refused. How was he doing this morning?”

Rosalyne turns silent, jogging her memory as she tries to remember the details. “He looked completely fine. He performed perfectly too, even in the solo ones,” she says. “Sometimes he coughs, but it was nothing severe, so we don't think it's serious.”

Rosalyne sobs. “I should have known better to pay more attention to his health,” she says before she breaks down once again.

“It's okay, it's not your fault,” Ayato says as he pats Rosalyne’s shoulder gently, trying to calm her down. “You need to catch your flight back in a few hours, don't you?”

Rosalyne nods. “We are supposed to fly back before noon.”

“Then, you should get ready to go back. I will stay here for Ajax,” Ayato says as he offers a faint smile. “The team will suffer a great loss if you all miss your flight, right?”

Rosalyne looks reluctant, but she nods nonetheless. She thanks him quietly before she goes back with her fellow colleagues, leaving him alone in the cold hospital corridor.

It is still early, so the hospital is pretty quiet. It makes his mind think wild about what would happen in the future. It makes him feel anxious about what is happening to his partner.

He is no stranger to hospitals —it was his constant when his parents fell ill. He is afraid that it will become a constant in his life once again. He is afraid if he will lose Ajax too like he loses his parents.

It seems this will be a long stay —he will need to live in this city until Ajax is healthy enough to fly back. And it seems he will need a few days given how bad Ajax's current state. So he makes an arrangement following his abrupt leave, trusting everything to Thoma with the business until he goes back.

It is around noon when the nurse tells him that Ajax’s condition has stabilized.

Ajax is moved out from the ICU not long after. Ayato insists on getting him a private ward so they can get some privacy. During the move, Ayato can finally see how Ajax currently looks like. He looked so pale, so frail, so fragile. It almost looks like he lost every trace of his health even when he was just falling unconscious for 12 hours.

They connect a lot of tubes to Ajax. The heart monitor, the oxygen mask, the IV drips. It is as if Ajax wouldn't survive if one of the tubes is cut off. It is as if Ajax can't live without being attached to all those machines.

Ayato watches silently, giving spaces for the doctors and nurses to work. It is just when they are about to finish when a doctor approaches him to talk in private.

“We have reviewed the patient’s historical records, but we find nothing that may cause the heart attack.”

Ayato lowers his gaze, he doesn't say a word as he feels his throat dry from being silent for too long.

“We need more examination to pinpoint the cause, then we can determine the treatment accordingly.”

“Is he—,” Ayato clears his throat. “Is he going to be okay?”

“We can't be sure,” the doctor says. “He may suffer several organ damages from the heart attack. He may not be awake for several days if that happens.”

“He may also not be able to do several basic tasks if it affects his brain, like walking or talking,” the doctor continues. “We will get to know it once he wakes up and takes several tests.”

“I see,” Ayato responds quietly. “We are not from around here so I need to bring him back to our home country before his condition can get any worse. Do you think it is possible?”

The doctor remains silent, seemingly thinking of any answer. “If it turns out he doesn't have any complications when he wakes up, then he will be good to go after several days of monitoring. Otherwise, we will need more travel arrangements for his safety.”

Ayato nods in silence before he thanks the doctor. He returns to Ajax's side, looking closely at his peaceful face as his chest rises and falls in a rhythm. The steady beeping of Ajax's heart is the only sound filling the room, slowly lulling Ayato to sleep as the fatigue catches up to his body. So he closes his eyes, silently hoping he will get good news when he wakes up.

Chapter Text

“Is it okay if you're here? How about your work?”

Ayato stops peeling the apple in his hand, looking up to face Ajax who looks at him curiously. “I'm the owner, I can work and leave whenever I want to.”

Ajax chuckles before he continues eating his fruit. Then, he starts babbling about how he misses touching his piano. He says he gets a lot of inspiration with the amount of free time he has currently.

It has been a few days since the first time Ajax woke up. His overall progress shows a good sign as he doesn't develop any complications. He can speak and walk just fine, his cognitive skills show no worrying sign as well. There's no sign of brain damage, so he is completely fine beside the fatigue that keeps catching him up even when he barely does anything. Sometimes he got light fever and shortness of breath too, it makes Ayato can't help but worry despite the smile Ajax always gives him.

“When will we go back?”

Ayato hums shortly, trying to think of any answer. They are currently waiting for Ajax’s diagnosis. He has been going for a lot of tests to look for the root cause and any further complications that they may miss.

“When we can be sure you're alright, then we can fly back right away.”

Ajax frowns, seemingly not happy with his answer. “What if I get any worse? Will we stay here until I die?”

“You shouldn't say that,” Ayato sighs. “You will get better in no time.”

“Then send me home so I can recover quickly,” Ajax says, his voice trembling. Ayato can see his lips quivering before a tear falls. “I don't want to die here, for fuck’s sake.”

Ayato shushes as he quickly wraps Ajax to his embrace. Ajax has become more emotional lately. The doctor said it's normal following his medication.

“You will not die here, I promise.”

Ajax sobs quietly. He leans into the embrace as he closes his eyes. He stay still for a moment, so Ayato hugs him tighter.

“Ajax?”

“Hm?”

“Oh,” Ayato sighs in relief before he pulls away, looking thoroughly at Ajax who stares at him back. He becomes so anxious lately whenever Ajax remains silent. He is afraid there's something wrong. He is afraid Ajax will leave him unconscious again so casually that he doesn't notice. “Tell me when you feel anything hurt, okay?”

Ajax nods slightly before he whispers, “I'm sorry.”

“Sorry for what, love?”

“I get very unreasonable lately,” Ajax says as he lowers his gaze. “And we would never be in this situation if I listened to you and got myself checked earlier,” he continues before he bites his lips. “I'm sorry.”

Ayato chuckles before he leaves a soft kiss on Ajax's forehead. “It's okay, it's not your fault,” he says with a smile. “We will get through this together strongly.”

Ajax smiles too before he leans closer to hug him again. “Yeah,” he says with a quiet little laugh. “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

Cardiac sarcoma.

That's what the doctor tells them. It was left undiagnosed for months, leading to the heart attack that actually gave symptoms (that they ignored thoroughly).

It's weird, because Ajax is the most physically active person Ayato has ever met. He doesn't smoke nor drink alcohol excessively. If anything, Ajax lives healthier than most people he has met.

It is as if the cancer just chose Ajax out of everyone.

The doctor says a tumor has developed in Ajax's heart. It blocks the blood flow, forcing his heart to pump faster. It might be the cause of the severe fatigue that only emerges lately. It also explains why he often gets shortness of breath, as well as the chest pain that he got several times a day.

Ajax stays silent during the talk. He looks so lost as he hears the worst part of the news —that his heart has been damaged with no point of return.

“What should we do then?” Ayato asks quietly.

“Open heart surgery is needed to remove the tumor. You might need to undergo radiation or chemotherapy to get rid of the cancer cells completely,” the doctor says. “It will be best to discuss the treatment plan with the cardiologist and oncologist.”

“Then,” Ajax says, finally breaking his silence. “Can it be cured completely?”

“We are sorry,” the doctor seems reluctant to answer. “Cardiac sarcoma is rarely cured, but prolonged survival or significant palliation is possible with surgical resection.”

“How long—” Ajax says before a choke in his throat stopping him from talking. He lowers his gaze, avoiding everyone’s gaze. “How long do I have left?”

“If the tumor can be removed completely, then it is possible for you to survive for another 5 years.”

“And if it's not?”

“6 months is the worst case.”

The room falls silent.

Ajax hangs his head low, so Ayato holds his hand, trying to give him some strength.

“Can I go back home?”

“Yes, as long as we can manage your symptoms, then it is recommended to travel back before it gets any worse,” the doctor says. “We will monitor your heart activity for 3 days. If it doesn't show any worrying signs, then we can discharge you immediately so you can get back to your home country and start the treatment accordingly.”

Ayato nods before he thanks the doctor, excusing them to leave. Ajax still doesn't say a word, his body lumps back as he closes his eyes. Ayato holds his hand, trying to give him reassurance.

“Let's break up.”

“No,” Ayato says almost immediately. “You're not in your right mind right now, let's just rest.”

“No,” Ajax says as he opens his eyes, staring back at him with some tears well up. “I don't want to see you again.”

Ayato can feel his heart drop. He tightens the lace of their hand as he turns his gaze down to the ground.

“If you really mean it, then I will let you go once we get home,” he says. “I need to make sure there's someone who cares for you.”

Ajax blinks, making some tears fall to his cheeks. “Promise me,” he whispers. “Promise me you will leave once I get home.”

Ayato falls silent, but then he shakes his head. “I can't promise you that.”

“Why?”

“I doubt you really want me to leave.”

Ajax’s lips quiver, as if he tries so hard not to cry aloud. So Ayato pulls him into his embrace, his lips making their way to kiss Ajax’s temple.

“Don't worry, love,” Ayato whispers. “I will make sure everything will be fine. You don't have to worry, you just need to try.”

Ajax doesn't say a word, but his sobs keep getting louder. He cries his heart out, making Ayato wonder if his words sound like an empty promise (which, it is maybe indeed).

“I don't want you to suffer with me,” Ajax says between his sobs.

“I won't,” Ayato whispers softly. His hand keeps rubbing Ajax's back to give his lover some comfort. “You will never make me suffer, Ajax.”

Ajax cries louder. Ayato’s heart clenches realizing that Ajax cries so much lately despite never shedding a tear since the first time they met.

Ajax always smiled like sunshine.

Ayato wonders if he will see that lovely smile back.

“Ajax,” Ayato calls softly, making Ajax's sobs slowly subside. He pulls away, staring at the teary eyes that he sees way too often lately. “We will get through this together strongly, remember?”

Ajax still sobs, but then a smile finally blooms, so beautifully like how it has always been. It's small, but it reaches his eyes. It makes Ayato feel hopeful for a fleeting moment. It makes his heart flutter like the first time all over again.

“Thank you,” Ajax says with a cracking voice. “I will try my best for you.”

“Me too,” Ayato smiles back, his hand caresses Ajax's cheeks softly, wiping any trail of tears. “I will do my best to take care of you.”

Ajax chuckles before a broken sob escapes his lips once again. “I don't want to leave you.”

Ayato shushes as he buries Ajax in his chest once again. “You won't,” he says. “You will always stay in my heart even when you're away, Ajax.”

That night, Ajax cries himself to sleep. Ayato stays by his side, holding his hand to make sure Ajax knows that he is always there for him.

It feels like déjà vu.

It feels like he goes back to the night when he accompanied his sickly mother as she cried herself to sleep.

No one knows a tear falls from his eyes before he slips into a dreamless sleep.

Chapter Text

Three days later, Ajax is discharged like the doctor promised.

They gave him a lot of prescription, they hope it will minimize the risk of his illness acting up during their travel. Ajax remains silent for a long moment after he gets all the medicines. His eyes look blankly at the window once they get on the plane.

Ayato remains silent, he is afraid he will just make everything worse if he opens up his mouth. He holds Ajax’s hand the entire journey, giving warmth that Ajax seems can't get enough of lately.

“Ayato,” Ajax calls suddenly in the middle of the flight.

“What's wrong?” Ayato looks at Ajax with worry. “Does anything hurt?”

“No,” Ajax whispers before he lowers his gaze. “Do I need to be admitted to the hospital right away?”

“That's what the doctor said,” Ayato says as he squeezes Ajax's hand. “Do you want to go home first?”

Ajax seems reluctant before he shakes his head. He slowly leans closer, resting his head on Ayato's shoulder. “It will only make me feel reluctant to leave.”

Ayato caresses Ajax's hand softly before he leaves a gentle kiss on top of his head. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “You will get the treatment quickly and then you can go home.”

Ajax nods slightly before he closes his eyes, giving in to his fatigue once again. Ayato holds him close all the time. His lips sometimes find their way to kiss the man in his arms.

Once they land, Ajax’s whole family welcomes them with tears.

Ajax cries eventually. They hug and kiss him all the time until he gets admitted to the hospital once again. In a mere 10 hours, he is back lying on the hospital bed, his arm is back connected to the IV, his chest is connected to wires that monitors his body.

The doctors told him that they need a few more tests before they can schedule a surgery. But, they say they will proceed with the surgery as soon as possible to avoid the cancer cell from spreading.

“Will he get better after we remove the tumor?”

“As long as the tumor hasn't invaded the heart to such an extent that it is impossible to remove it completely, then yes,” the doctor says. “If it's too severe, then the patient may need a heart transplant. But, it may stimulate new growth of sarcoma.”

Ayato falls silent. He lowers his gaze, slowly blinks several times as he processes the words he just heard.

“We will try our best to get it removed completely,” the doctor says once again, trying to give him reassurance. “In the meantime, we expect the family to support the patient mentally, so he will be ready once the surgery is going to be performed.”

Ayato nods. He thanks the doctor quietly before he leaves to go back to Ajax's room. Ajax has fallen asleep, his mother gives him company on his bedside, so Ayato talks to his father, repeating everything the doctor has just said.

“Thank you, Ayato,” Ajax’s father says as he pats his shoulder. “From now on, we can help each other to take care of him. You can get your life back. It has been a while since you left your work, hasn't it?”

“It's not a problem,” Ayato says. “Ajax’s health is what matters the most.”

“Thank you, but your family needs you too,” the man before him smiles. “Just go home, we will call you if anything happens.”

Ayato feels reluctant, but he complies nonetheless.

In the blink of an eye, several days passed. Ajax’s health gives no sign of improvement, but his mental state becomes a lot better as he gets closer to his loved ones.

Ayato pays a visit every evening when he comes back from work. Sometimes, he finds Ajax playing with his little siblings, laughing carefreely as he reads them a book. Sometimes, he finds Ajax’s friends from his orchestra team come by, telling Ajax everything that he has missed despite knowing that Ajax may never come back to the team. Sometimes, he finds Ajax alone, sitting on his bed as he stares far away to the sunset. In that kind of moment, Ajax will hold his hand, asking him for hugs and kisses that he will always give without Ajax asking.

“I want to wake up to your face,” Ajax says one evening. The sunset glow basks his face that looks peaceful despite the paleness of his skin. “It must be nice to have you as the first thing I see when I wake up.”

“Should I spend the night here then?”

“It's not like that,” Ajax chuckles before a violent cough escapes his lips. He closes his mouth with a handkerchief that he has been holding a lot lately. There is a hint of blood on his lips after the coughs subside. “I want us to sleep properly on the same bed. So I can hug you in my sleep.”

Ayato falls silent, then he leans in, kissing those pale lips softly.

“Let's live together once you get discharged.”

Ajax doesn't say a word, but tears start to well up in his eyes before he nods.

Chapter Text

It doesn't take weeks until the time Ajax gets a surgery.

Everyone comes —his family, his colleagues, and even his old friends, wishing good luck for Ajax, giving every love they have before Ajax is brought to the operating room.

That day, Ajax smiles faintly. His eyes look tired despite all the love he receives. His hand feels cold the moment Ayato touches it.

Maybe, deep inside Ajax is scared too.

Ayato prayed a lot that day. He holds Ajax’s hand the entire time until they bring Ajax to the operating room.

The surgery takes around 6 hours. Ajax is placed in the ICU the moment it is completed. Ayato can see a glimpse of his face the moment they move him. He looks pale, frail, fragile —totally the same as how he looks since the first time he collapsed.

The doctors tell him that the surgery went quite well. They say they have removed the tumor completely despite how rare the case was, so they recommend keeping Ajax in the hospital for further monitoring to avoid any complications. They say it will take at least 6 weeks before Ajax can go home and proceed with the chemotherapy to completely remove the cancer cells that may remain.

Ayato sighs in relief. His heart silently wishes everything can prolong Ajax's life —even if it's just for a mere 5 years.

Ayato visits Ajax sometimes despite all the handful protocols of visiting the ICU. Ajax is asleep all the time, his body is connected to much more machines that keep him alive. Sometimes Ayato wonders if it hurts. Sometimes Ayato wonders if in the end everything will be worth all the pain.

It takes 2 days until Ajax is moved out from the ICU. He is still unconscious when he's back to his room. His family talks to him in his sleep, filling the room with their stories despite all the beeping sounds.

It is only on the 5th day that Ajax’s eyes flutter open. He looks pretty confused the moment he wakes up, so Ayato whispers sweet nothings to his ears to calm him down.

That day, Ajax’s faint smile comes back, washing away all the stress Ayato had for the past weeks.

Ajax recovers slowly. The fatigue still haunts him following the surgery, making him sleep most of the time Ayato makes a visit. Ayato will hold his hand the entire time as he leaves a soft kiss on his knuckles. Sometimes Ajax would wake up, a smile blooms on his lips the moment their eyes meet.

“I miss you,” Ajax says one evening. His breathing sounds weak despite the tube that is attached to his nose.

“I miss you too,” Ayato says softly as he leaves a gentle kiss on Ajax's wrist. “You will get better in no time, then we can live together like we promised.”

Ajax nods as he smiles. He closes his eyes slowly, starting to give in to his fatigue once again. “Don't leave me.”

“I'm here,” Ayato whispers back as he brushes Ajax's hair out of his face. He hums a song that Ajax loves to hear as he lulls Ajax to sleep.

Chapter Text

In the second week following the surgery, Ajax can finally get back to his feet.

He can keep his eyes open for a longer time. He can function normally without too many tubes and wires connected to his body. He can walk for a short distance, he can move his body freely —even though he still gets easily tired. His cough is no longer bloody, he gets less light fever in his sleep. His sunny smile comes back, he laughs more often and wider.

Maybe, the surgery was really successful to improve Ajax's health.

It is currently spring now, the flowers bloom in so many colors, pleasing everyone whose gaze lands on them. Ajax throws his gaze out of the window, his lips form a small smile as he admires the flower that blooms on the tree outside his room.

“You look happy,” Ayato says just as he enters the room. It's currently the weekend, he can visit Ajax all day since the morning. “Do you want to go outside?”

“Oh, it's you. Okaeri,” Ajax says. Ayato can see his smile get wider. “It's okay, I feel content just seeing them from here.”

“Tadaima,” Ayato replies before he approaches Ajax on his bed. His hand reaches Ajax's thin one, holding it gently like how he has always been. “It's okay as well if you want to go outside, you haven't gone outside since you got admitted to this hospital after all.”

Ajax falls silent. He lowers his gaze as he murmurs, “I know what my body is capable of, and it was winter too.”

Ayato feels his heart drop.

If anything, Ajax is more of an outdoor person. It must be hard for him repressing his boredom all this time when he is sick.

“Don't worry, I will ask for your doctor’s permission so you can go outside for a little while,” Ayato says after a moment. “What do you think?”

Ajax looks up, staring at him back. He looks a little reluctant, but then he nods. “Thank you.”

Ayato smiles. He leaves a soft kiss on Ajax's forehead before he leaves the room to carry out his plan. The doctor encourages his proposal, saying that Ajax needs to go out once in a while to cease off his stress. As long as he's well equipped and accompanied by his nurse, then he is always good to go.

So here they are, strolling under the shade of sakura trees that are starting to bloom. Ajax smiles cheerily, he looks so happy the moment the spring breeze blows his face.

“Let's sit there,” Ajax says as he points to an empty bench. “We must be able to see the fish pond too from there.”

Ayato chuckles as he pushes Ajax's wheelchair carefully.

“How? Is this spot okay?”

Ajax nods excitedly before he tries to stand up on his own. Ayato catches him fast, holding Ajax firmly in his arms.

“I'm not going to fall,” Ajax says as he chuckles. “See? I'm good.”

“Right,” Ayato's face softens. “I'm sorry, I was just… worried.”

Ajax chuckles once again before he reaches his IV pole, dragging it with him to the park bench. Ayato watches silently before he sits beside him. He reaches Ajax's hand, giving him warmth amidst the cool spring breeze.

Ajax leans closer, resting his head on Ayato's shoulder. His breath sounds shallow —it always sounds shallow somehow since he gets the surgery. So, Ayato hugs Ajax closer, wrapping his arm on the latter's back to give more warmth.

“I love spring,” Ajax says, breaking the silence. “It always reminds me of you.”

Ayato smiles. “I thought you love winter.”

“You know me well,” Ajax says before a small cough escapes his lips. “But it's only before I met you.”

Ayato rubs Ajax’s back, trying to give him some comfort. “Why is that?”

“I don't know,” Ajax says before he chuckles. “Maybe just because your birthday is in spring.”

Ayato laughs. He leaves a soft kiss on Ajax's head before he says, “That's lame.”

Ajax giggles. Then his laughter subsides, making the sound of bird chirp filling in the silence.

“But, seriously,” Ajax says once again. “Maybe that's why my smile always blooms whenever I see you.”

“Oh?” Ayato chuckles. “When did you start learning those sweet words?”

Ajax giggles once again. Then he lifts his head, staring at Ayato with a big smile. “I love it here. Do you think they will allow me to go here every day until I get discharged?”

“Maybe,” Ayato says before he kisses Ajax’s temple. “As long as you can keep up your health.”

Ajax hums before he turns his gaze to the sky. The ray of the morning sun basks his face, giving a light to his blue eyes.

“I want to enjoy the breeze with you here every day.”

“I can only visit you in the evening on weekdays.”

“Not a matter,” Ajax says as he stares back. “Then we can enjoy the sunset together.”

“Alright,” Ayato says as he smiles. “Let's do this everyday.”

And so it becomes their routine whenever Ayato makes a visit. Sometimes they would bring Ajax’s little siblings too to play around the pond. Ajax would smile cheerily despite the cold spring breeze. Ayato would wrap his palm around his hand to warm him up.

Ajax looks happy.

His laugh sounds so carefree that Ayato sometimes forgets that he is unhealthy.

“It is your birthday next week, isn't it?” Ajax says one day when they watch the sunset. “I wonder if I can get discharged by that time.”

“You're getting better lately,” Ayato says as he mindlessly brushes Ajax's hair. “I'm sure you can get discharged in no time.”

Ajax hums before he rests his head on Ayato's shoulder. He likes to do it nowadays —not that Ayato is complaining. “I have a new song for you. It's a shame I can't bring my piano to my room.”

Ayato chuckles. “So, you want to get discharged only to play a song for me?”

“Only?” Ajax scoffs. “This might be the best birthday present anyone can ever get, you know. Not everyone can get a performance of a great pianist on his birthday.”

“Right,” Ayato smiles, leaving a kiss on top of Ajax’s head. “I will look forward to it.”

Chapter Text

In the end, Ayato never had a chance to get his birthday present.

Ajax was intended to be discharged 3 days before his birthday. He was so excited that he made a long list of what he wants to do once he gets home. He wants to cook, he wants to bake, he wants to prepare everything to celebrate Ayato’s birthday. Most importantly, he wants to practice his new song so it will be perfect when his birthday comes.

But, his body says otherwise. A day before he could get discharged, he woke up with a high fever. His body shivered a lot despite the heater and the thick blanket. Cold sweats dampened his hair as his eyes fluttered weakly. Blood flowed freely from his nose, making his body feel weak and sick. The doctor eventually postponed his discharge, saying that it is possible that Ajax just caught an infection.

A lot of tests and medication have been performed since then. It feels like they go back to square one when everything becomes uncertain and cloudy. Tubes and wires are connected back to Ajax's body, making Ajax stuck on his bed once again. Ayato stays by his side, his lips whispering sweet nothings every time Ajax lets out a painful whimper.

“I'm sorry,” Ajax says on the sunset of his birthday. Ajax looks at him full of sadness, a tear falls from his eyes before he whispers, “I should have done better.”

“It's okay,” Ayato whispers back, his thumb finding its way to wipe Ajax's tears. “We can celebrate my birthday next year.”

Ajax closes his eyes, his tears keep falling. “I might not be around next year.”

“Sshh... you shouldn't say that,” Ayato says before he leaves kisses on those closed eyes. “The tumor has been removed completely, Ajax. You will live.”

Ajax keeps crying. Sobs keep escaping his lips before his breath even out, giving in to the fatigue that goes back since his health dropped. That night, Ayato stays by his side until the morning comes, silently hoping for the bright days to come.

Chapter Text

Yet, the bright days never come.

Ajax's health keeps getting worse. The fever comes and goes, leaving a bad headache and nausea that makes him feel tired all the time. Sometimes his stomach hurts so much that he can't help but cry in pain. He slowly loses his appetite, he keeps vomiting whenever he tries to eat. Blood stains his lips whenever he vomits, blood flows from his nose when he tries to rest. It makes Ayato feel helpless as Ajax’s health slips through his palm once again.

Then, a few days later, the test results came out, saying that there has indeed been an infection.

They say it is caused by metastasis. Apparently, the cancer cell had spread even before Ajax got the primary diagnosis. It was left undetected as it was dormant before becoming active once they performed the surgery. It spreads to multiple parts of his body, explaining why his immune weakened so much, exposing him to infections ever since his health goes on a sudden downhill.

Ajax remains silent that day. His eyes blinks slowly as the doctor explains what the treatment plans they have to make him get better. His breath sounds weak despite the oxygen tube on his nose. He looks tired —it might be the first time Ayato sees him look so downhearted.

“Ayato,” Ajax calls once the doctor leaves. His voice sounds weak, making the pain Ayato feels in his heart become more painful even when he's not the one dying.

“What's wrong?” Ayato asks softly as he gives a gentle stroke to Ajax’s hair. “Should I call them back?”

“No,” Ajax says before he closes his eyes —either to enjoy his touch or to avoid his gaze. “It is just starting to seem hopeless, isn't it?”

Ayato falls silent. But then he reaches Ajax's hand, caressing it tenderly like how he always does. “They say you will get better once you start getting the treatment.”

“I know,” Ajax says, finally staring back at him with tired eyes. “I just don't know if I can go through it all.”

Ayato can feel his tears start to well up when their eyes meet, so he quickly lowers his gaze. He blinks fast to dry his eyes up before he reluctantly asks, “Should we stop then?”

Ajax doesn't say anything, so Ayato steals a glance of his face. Ajax seems reluctant, there is a slight frown on his face. He makes a squeeze to his hand before he shakes his head. “No, I'm scared.”

Ayato can feel his heart drop. Ajax’s voice shakes, like he tries hard not to fall to a breakdown. So he pulls Ajax closer, hugging him close in his embrace.

“Don't worry, I know you can,” Ayato says, he doesn't know why his voice trembles. “I will always be by your side, don't worry.”

Ajax nods before he cries silently, dampening his chest with tears. “I want to marry you when I get better.”

“Sure,” Ayato pulls away. He stares at Ajax with a smile, trying to cheer him up. “Let's get married when you get better.”

Ajax doesn't say a word, but tears start to well up again in his eyes before he nods.

Chapter Text

And so the treatment begins quicker than what the doctors originally planned following the surgery.

Ajax receives a lot of treatment to relieve his symptoms. Radiation therapy, chemotherapy —everything to help Ajax feels less pain. They work slowly but surely helping Ajax to go through weeks. Ayato gives him company in everything he does —keeping Ajax entertained with stories and small talks. Sometimes Ayato would hum to a song, trying to make Ajax feel better when he received the medicines. Ajax would smile faintly, his hand weakly holding onto Ayato like he wants to ground himself as the medicines start entering his system.

Though, despite all the treatments, sometimes Ajax would still get fever in his sleep, sometimes his nose would bleed severely that it makes him feel weak, sometimes his stomach hurts so much that he can't help but curl himself smaller as he whimpers in pain.

Day by day, Ajax loses the remaining light in his eyes as his health worsens. He loses so much weight due to the loss of appetite, not to mention the difficulty he feels when he tries to swallow. His stomach keeps refusing anything, making him vomit every time he tries to eat. His hair falls even with a slightest touch, making him hate himself whenever he looks at the mirror.

Ajax doesn't even cry anymore. He only stares blankly whenever he's not busy with treatments or the pain that may come by. He doesn't laugh anymore, he would just smile faintly whenever his little siblings try to cheer him up. He doesn't even respond to Ayato’s chatter sometimes, leaving Ayato alone with his monologue as Ajax holds his hand weakly.

It feels like Ajax already loses any hope left in his heart.

It feels like Ajax is ready to give in to the cancer anytime.

“Ayato,” Ajax calls one evening, seeming to finally grasp his surroundings after his long silence. His voice sounds weak as he tries to squeeze the hand in his hold.

“I'm here,” Ayato says, squeezing back Ajax's hand, assuring the latter with his presence. “What's wrong?”

“Can we just go home?” Ajax whispers. He blinks slowly, any light in his eyes has gone completely. “I'm tired.”

Ayato feels his eyes burn, some tears seem to start welling up in his eyes making his sight become blurry.

“Don't cry,” Ajax says, his fingers slowly caressing his cheek, like he wants to give him some comfort. “I'm fine. Don't cry, my love.”

“I’m sorry,” Ayato says before he blinks fast, drying up his eyes. He tries to smile to make Ajax not worry. “Do you want to go home?”

Ajax smiles back. He nods as he caresses Ayato’s mole under the lips. “I can't wait to hug you in my sleep.”

Ayato smiles wider even when he can feel his lips tremble. “Alright, let's go home.”

Chapter Text

And so they go home.

For the first time since they come back, Ajax finally goes back to his home. Ayato sets everything up for his outpatient treatment. He even brings Ajax's nurse to help with the nursing.

They decide not to continue with the intensive treatment since it only worsens Ajax's health. Now their goal is just to make Ajax feel less pain and get a comfortable life until the time comes.

And it seems it works.

Because now Ajax looks much better. The pain and weaknesses seem to keep worsening, but at least now he looks a little more lively. His smile comes back, his little laughter comes back, a faint light in his eyes comes back. Maybe the warmth of his home is what he really needs.

Now they are in the back of Ajax's house, staring silently at the sun that starts to set. Ajax says he wants to feel the breeze since he hasn't gone outside ever since the summer came, so he asks Ayato to bring him to the backyard. Ayato feels reluctant at first, but he helps him get on his wheelchair nonetheless.

“You're bleeding,” Ayato quickly kneels, applying a firm pressure to Ajax’s hand that's still connected to the IV.

“Ah, you're right,” Ajax says as he looks down, staring at Ayato who looks so serious to stop the bleeding. He chuckles quietly, his other hand touches the top of Ayato’s head before he gives him light pats. “Seems like you just found a new talent.”

“Yeah, thanks to you. I will start my med school next year.”

Ajax chuckles. He laughs more now ever since he comes home. “I can see you being pretty in your white coat.”

Ayato laughs. He continues working with Ajax’s hand until the bleeding stops completely. His eyes catch how the latter's hand is now full with bruises from the repeated injections. It makes his heart clenched realizing that every effort they have made and every pain Ajax has suffered only results in vain.

Ajax doesn't deserve this.

They don't deserve all this.

So he takes Ajax’s hand. He leaves a soft kiss on its back, kissing the darkest bruise his eyes lie on. Then he looks up, staring at Ajax who looks at him with teary eyes. Ajax turns his face away, quickly avoiding his gaze when their eyes meet.

“I want to marry you,” Ayato says, his gaze unwavering as he stares at Ajax thoroughly.

“You know full well how long I have left,” Ajax says, his voice trembling as he tries to hold his tears.

“I don't care,” Ayato says. His gaze softens as he squeezes Ajax's hand gently. “You promised me, didn't you?”

“But I don't even get better,” Ajax whispers before he hangs his head low. “You deserve someone better than me.”

“No, Ajax. You're getting better, you laugh more lately,” Ayato says as he caresses Ajax's cheeks. His beanie is all he can see, so Ayato tilts Ajax's face slightly until he can find his way to his eyes. “There is no one better for me other than you.”

Some tears well up in those blue eyes again, somehow making Ajax look so much pretty as his eyes reflect the rays of the setting sun. Ajax stares back in silence, slowly blinking to stop the tears from falling down.

“Do whatever you want, then.”

“Of course,” Ayato smiles. He leans in slowly before he leaves a soft kiss on Ajax's lips. “Let’s get married tomorrow.”

Ajax doesn't say anything, his lips quivering as he stares at him back. But then he nods, a faint smile blooms on his face despite a tear that falls down his cheek.

“Okay.”

And Ayato swears, that soft whisper is the most beautiful summer melody he has ever heard in his life.

Chapter Text

They get married right away when the morning comes.

Ajax's mother remains silent since Ayato proposed to marry Ajax last night. She turns her face away, hiding her teary eyes from her son's sight. Ajax's father only smiled as he patted their shoulder. “Alright, we will help prepare everything for the wedding,” he said.

There is nothing extraordinary about the wedding. Only some suits, some makeup, some flowers and some cakes. Everybody comes despite the sudden invitation —their whole family, their colleagues, their old friends, even the connections they made during Ajax's hospital stay. Ayaka and Thoma look so teary the moment they see him fully dressed in a wedding suit, knowing full well how many obstacles they have gone through until they reach this point.

“I wish you both a happy marriage, Oniisama.”

Ayato smiles, thanking them both for their support all this time. He keeps his smile as he waits patiently for the ceremony to begin. Ajax’s colleagues play some songs that Ajax loves, somehow making it hard for Ayato to keep his eyes dry.

The music stopped altogether once the ceremony began. It switches into a beautiful melody that Ayato has never heard. Ajax is wheeled down the aisle with his father walking by his side. His little siblings push his wheelchair carefully, sometimes they giggle when some flowers fall on their face.

Ajax smiles that day, so beautifully like how he has always been. His makeup hides the paleness of his face, reminding Ayato of the time when they loved each other without any worry.

Ajax looks beautiful,

He always looks beautiful.

Ajax always succeeds in taking his breath away even when all his hair falls. Ajax always makes his heart skip a beat even when the faint light in his eyes is all he has left.

Ayato smiles with the gentlest smile he can make. He kneels down once Ajax sits before him. He takes his hand as he caresses it gently, carefully leaving a soft kiss on its back.

“You look so beautiful.”

“You look just as stunning,” Ajax says as he smiles back. “It makes me feel hard to breathe.”

“Oh no,” Ayato says, playfully making it sound like he is panicking. “Should I call the doctor?”

Ajax chuckles. His laughter rings perfectly in his ears. It reminds him of the time when he fell for him. It makes him fall for him like the first time all over again.

And so they say their vows. They vow to each other that they will always love for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. They will love each other even when death does them part.

Ayato takes Ajax's hand once again, carefully placing a ring in his finger. Ajax’s hand feels cold despite the rising temperature of summer. It even trembles —he almost drops the ring when it is his turn to place it. It makes Ayato wonder if he can hold him and make him warm for the rest of his life.

Ajax can't hold back his tears that day, so Ayato wipes his tears before he kisses his lips softly, somehow making the tears fall even harder. Ajax slowly opens his eyes as he leans back. Ayato stares at those blue eyes deeply, trying to convince every feeling he has in his heart —love, adoration, care.

“I love you.”

Ajax smiles despite the tears that keep falling from his eyes. “I love you too.”

Ayato swears it is the most beautiful smile he has ever seen, so he smiles back. He caresses Ajax's cheeks gently, wiping away the tears that keep falling. “Let's be together forever.”

Ajax doesn't say anything. A sob finally escapes his lips before he nods.

Chapter Text

“Do you remember the melody played during our wedding?” Ajax asks as he plays with Ayato’s hair.

They are currently in their bedroom —in the house Ayato has prepared ever since they promised to live together. They chill carefreely as the morning sun basks their bed, enjoying every serene moment they can get. Ajax holds Ayato close, refusing to let go ever since he gets discharged. “I always want to hug you in my sleep,” he said —even though he still hugs Ayato every second when he's awake.

It has been a few days since they held the wedding. Ajax has stayed on their bed since then, slowly recovering from the fatigue after the big day. He looked so tired that day, but smile never left his face despite the obvious weariness on his face. It might be the happiest Ajax that Ayato has ever seen since the first time he collapsed. It might be the widest smile Ajax has ever made since he fell sick.

It feels like he got back his Ajax that he never knew he had ever lost.

“Of course.”

Ajax giggles. “It's actually the one I want to play for your birthday.”

“Really?” Ayato smiles. “It's beautiful.”

“Of course, it's for you after all,” Ajax says before a small cough escapes his lips. “You deserve the best thing in the world.”

“Thank you,” Ayato says as he stares straight into those blue orbs. “You're indeed the best thing in the world.”

Ajax chuckles, then he buries his face on his chest. Ayato holds him close, his fingers mindlessly caress the back of Ajax’s head.

“I'm sorry.”

Ayato remains silent before he asks, “What is it?”

“I’m sorry I can't present it to you myself,” Ajax whispers. His voice sounds so quiet that Ayato almost misses it.

“It’s okay,” Ayato whispers back. “It's the thought that matters.”

“Yeah,” Ajax says before he buries his face deeper. “I really love you, you know.”

“I know,” Ayato says as a smile blooms on his lips. “Let's find each other again when we reincarnate.”

“Yeah,” Ajax says before he lets out a small laugh. “I will definitely find you again in my next life.”

Chapter Text

“Are you sure you don't need your wheelchair?”

“Yeah,” Ajax giggles. “We're just going to the backyard. I can always hold onto you, right?”

“I will always hold you without you asking,” Ayato says before he helps Ajax to stand up on his feet. Ajax’s grip feels weak even though he tries to hold onto him tightly, so Ayato holds him close to stop him from stumbling.

Ajax’s limbs always tremble lately, almost like Ajax has lost his strength completely. It's not rare for him to be completely worn out after he stubbornly refuses using his mobile aid. But, the smile he shows when he stands up on his own feet always looks so radiant that Ayato can't help but to comply with everything he asks. Somehow, it reminds him of good times before everything falls apart.

And for that, maybe Ayato is stubborn too.

“Be careful,” Ayato tightens his grip on Ajax's waist when one of the latter's legs fails. Ajax chuckles despite the weakness that almost makes him fall.

“I know you are always there to catch me.”

Ayato smiles. He helps Ajax to get his footing back before he continues the slow walk. “Maybe I should just carry you like a bride.”

“No,” Ajax says. His smile looks wide despite the weariness that starts coloring his face. “My siblings would laugh at me for that.”

“They won't,” Ayato says as he chuckles. His lips leave a soft kiss on Ajax's temple before he opens the door to the backyard. There, Ayaka, Thoma, and all of Ajax's family wait for them to enjoy the summer night. They invite Yoimiya too so they can light up the fireworks safely. There was actually nothing to celebrate, but Ajax says he wants to enjoy the summer before his health can get any worse.

“Brother!” Ajax’s little siblings run towards them with a wide smile on their face. The watermelon they just ate stains their lips messily. “We have secured the most beautiful fireworks for you!”

“Thank you,” Ajax says with a wide smile. He ruffles his siblings’ hair softly before he says, “Let's light them up then!”

“Yeah!”

So Ayato helps Ajax to play with his siblings. They light up the big fireworks, they cook up the barbecue, they enjoy the fresh watermelon. They laugh a lot in between the stories exchanged. They smile wide among the beautiful fireworks lit up.

Ajax can't eat a lot because of his declining appetite, but he looks just as happy as everyone else —his smile looks just as wide, making his eyes turn to a crescent moon that makes him look so cheery. It makes Ayato can't help but to stare, to admire every second of his smile as much as he can.

“You have been looking at me for long by now,” Ajax says with a playful smile on his face —the kind of smile that Ayato didn't realise he always misses. “What's on your mind?”

“That you're very pretty.”

Ajax’s eyes widen, he looks astounded before he laughs. “I barely have hair on my head.”

Ayato can't help but smile. “It has nothing to do with your beauty.”

Ajax continues to giggle. Then he slowly reaches his hand, holding him in silence before he stares far at the scenery before them —the view of their family laughing and having fun.

“Thank you.”

Ayato doesn't answer right away, letting the laughter around them become the background noise.

“What for?”

“For always trying to make me happy,” Ajax says with a gentle smile on his lips. His gaze is filled up with emotions Ayato couldn't name. “I'm happy.”

“I’d steal the moon too if you asked.”

Ajax chuckles. His laughter rings perfectly, forming a great harmony with the summer breeze. “You will need a lot of minions for that.”

Ayato can't hide his widening smile, so he brings up Ajax's hand, leaving a chaste kiss on its back. “Do you want anything else?”

Ajax turns silent before he stares straight into his eyes. Ayato can see much more emotion in those blue eyes now as they stare into each other. Ajax doesn't say any word despite long seconds having passed, making Ayato wonder what is currently going on in his mind.

Then Ajax blinks. He reluctantly shakes his head before he says, “Maybe I just want to light up some sparkles.”

Ayato feels like Ajax is hiding his thoughts, but he doesn't say anything. He reluctantly let go of Ajax’s hand to look for the unlit sparkles.

“Here,” Ayato says as he hands the sticks.

“Ah, sorry,” Ajax says as his weak grip fails to hold the sticks, making the little sticks fall from his hand.

“Don't worry,” Ayato says as he helps Ajax hold the sparkles firmly. He can feel Ajax's hand is now colder despite the short time he let go. Maybe they should go back inside shortly before anything goes wrong.

They light up the sparkles in no time. Ajax stares at it silently, making the spark reflected perfectly on his eyes. The bright light from the small fireworks gives a beautiful warm glow to his pale face, giving a warm feeling to Ayato's heart.

If only they could have this moment forever.

“I think,” Ajax whispers quietly. His gaze stays still on the sparkles despite their light that starts to go off. “I want everyone to be happy too.”

“Of course,” Ayato answers. His voice is just as quiet. “I will make sure everyone is happy.”

“Especially you,” Ajax whispers once again before he turns to face him. “I want you to be happy even though I'm gone.”

Ayato falls silent. He stares deep into Ajax’s blue eyes that start to look wet.

“I will.”

“Promise me?” Ajax offers his pinky. It looks trembling, either from his worsening health or from the abundant emotions he is having.

“I promise,” Ayato says as he connects their pinky. Then he pulls Ajax closer, letting Ajax hide his face on his chest, letting Ajax hide his tears that start falling. “Don't worry, Ajax.”

Ajax nods. He spends a few more minutes in his embrace, leaning his body entirely as tears keep flowing from his eyes.

“Should we go back inside?”

“Yeah,” Ajax answers quietly. “My tears will ruin the mood.”

Ayato forces a little chuckle, ignoring his throat that gets a little hurt. “It won't.”

So he helps Ajax to get on his feet once again, which turns surprisingly easy despite the hard tremble. But, it only takes a few steps before his legs give out entirely, leaving Ajax with a chuckle in between the trace of tears.

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't say sorry,” Ayato says as he carefully carries Ajax in his arms. His body is getting lighter each day, making Ayato wonder if their time is indeed running out. “There is nothing to be sorry about.”

Ajax chuckles once again despite the tears that flow once again. He holds onto him tight, like he is afraid to part. So Ayato holds him just as tight, even when he puts Ajax on their bed, even when he feels Ajax slowly succumbs to his dream.

“I love you, Ajax,” Ayato whispers softly despite the terrible ache in his heart.

Chapter Text

“Ajax.”

Ayato calls his husband softly. Ajax lies still on the bed, staring silently outside the window, maybe mourning for the summer day he lost once again.

Ajax turns to face him, letting out a soft call to his name. His voice sounds weak, but there is still some light in his eyes, and that's enough.

It's always enough.

“Happy birthday,” Ayato says as he carefully caresses the frail man before him, brushing Ajax's hair that starts to grow back.

“Thank you,” Ajax says with a faint smile. He blinks slowly as he tries to focus his gaze. “How old am I again?”

Ayato doesn't answer right away. It seems Ajax has become a little more confused lately.

“Thirty,” he says as he smiles back.

Ajax tries to smile wider. “That's nice.”

“Of course.”

“Now I have the same first digit as you,” Ajax says before he lets out a little laugh.

“I’m happy for you,” Ayato says as he widens his smile. Ajax has gone back to being confined to the bed due to his declining health, it has been a while since Ayato hears his little laugh. “Here, I bought you flowers, do you want anything else for the gift?”

“No need.”

“I insist.”

“Waking up to your face is the best gift I could ever get,” Ajax says with a smile on his pale lips.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Ajax giggles once again. “If only I could have it longer.”

Ayato falls silent. He lowers his gaze so Ajax couldn't see his eyes that start getting red.

“Ayato,” Ajax whispers his name softly.

Ayato blinks fast before he looks up. “Yes?”

“A frown doesn't look good on you,” Ajax reaches his cheek, caressing him gently. “It's my birthday, isn't it?”

“Yeah,” Ayato says as he tries to smile. “I'm sorry.”

“Why are you saying sorry?” Ajax chuckles. His fingers weakly tuck a wild lock of his blue hair. “There is nothing to be sorry about.”

Ayato doesn't say anything, but a laugh finally finds its way back to his lips as he realizes Ajax just returned his words from the other day.

Ajax can't help but laugh too. His eyes take the shape of a crescent moon, as if he didn't just have a longing gaze to the outside world seconds prior, as if he didn't just have an insufferable pain that confined him to the bed most of the time.

“I love you.”

Ayato smiles back. He leans in, leaving a tender kiss on his husband's forehead. “I love you too.”

Chapter Text

It is probably sunset when Ayato slowly opens his eyes.

The evening sun seeping through the window, basking a warm light to their bedroom. Ayato smiles as he wakes up to Ajax who is still sleeping soundly in his arms.

Ajax has become a lot sleepier lately, yet his sleep seems restless as he frequently awakens whenever Ayato is not around. So Ayato always holds him close, giving him hugs and cuddles in his sleep.

Ayato carefully caresses Ajax's hair that has grown quite a lot. It feels soft and fluffy, just like how it had always been before it fell off. Ajax has become fond of it ever since it grew back, saying that it makes him feel more like himself again, like he finally has a little control of his body even though he loses almost every single one of it.

Ayato gently leaves a kiss on his husband's forehead. Then he decides to take a good look on every part of the latter's face before he realises—

Ajax's breath became somewhat fainter in his sleep.

“Ajax?”

Ajax doesn't respond right away, making his heart beat faster as he can't help but panic. He already reaches his phone to ask for help before Ajax slowly opens his eyes, blinking slowly as he tries to adjust his sight.

“Hm?”

Ayato sighs in relief, putting his phone back to its place. “Nothing,” he says, unable to hide the relief in his words. “I just want to hear your voice.”

Ajax looks confused before he chuckles. “Really?”

Ayato nods. There is a look of guilt in his eyes. “Did I wake you up?”

“Yeah,” Ajax says sleepily as he hugs him closer.

“I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” Ajax whispers. “You're just scared.”

Ayato smiles faintly. “Sorry.”

Ajax smiles back before he leans in, leaving a soft kiss on his lips. “Don't worry,” he says. “I will tell you before I leave.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise,” Ajax says before he sleepily kisses him once again. “Don't worry, my love.”

Chapter Text

“I want to dance.”

Ajax stares far out the window, staring at the night sky that barely shows its stars even in the summer. The weariness in his eyes looks too clear despite how many hours he has spent sleeping.

Ayato stops his work right away —giving a massage to Ajax's legs. Ajax's health has deteriorated so much lately that it makes the doctors decide to put him back on IV. They say it would make up for the nutrients he is lacking, and hydration, and the medicines, and everything that Ayato has no more space in his head to remember.

“Would you like to dance?” Ajax turns to stare into his eyes. “With me?”

“Of course,” Ayato agrees. There is a smile lingering on his face. “But I'm afraid it will bring you more harm than good.”

Ajax smiles back. It looks faint, just like all his smiles lately. “My body would still ache even if I don't dance.”

Ayato feels reluctant, but he finally complies anyway —he never has the strength to refuse Ajax's wish. So he helps Ajax to get out of the bed, carefully holding his hand and his waist —Ajax falling down and tearing his skin from the needle would be the last thing he wants to happen.

“Ah,” Ajax weakly chuckles. “Seems like my legs have deteriorated completely.”

“It's okay,” Ayato says as he tightens his hold. Ajax's legs are, indeed, no longer able to support himself. “I can always be the strength for us both.”

“Yeah,” Ajax stares into his eyes, there is a sadness slipping in his gaze. “Thank you.”

“It is always my pleasure,” Ayato smiles, trying to cheer Ajax up, and maybe himself too. “Should we start then?”

Ajax nods. So Ayato begins to move slowly, carefully bringing Ajax in motion despite all the tubes attached to Ajax's arms. He hums to the songs Ajax always likes, to the songs they always love, to the songs Ajax has composed for them both.

It feels good, serene, heavenly.

Ajax laughs sometimes in between their small steps. His little laugh blends so well with the summer noise, with the humming he's making. It makes a pleasant melody to his ears, making Ayato believe for a brief moment that everything will be fine.

And of course.

It will not.

Ajax falls to his arms just when he starts humming to the third song. Ayato catches him firmly before he brings him back to their bed. He always sees it coming —he has always seen it coming, so it won't take long for help to come.

“I'm okay,” Ajax whispers, his voice sounds even weaker. “I just need to rest.”

“You’re right,” Ayato whispers back, he caresses Ajax's hair gently, trying to give some comfort. “They will just help you to get more comfortable, Ajax.”

Ajax nods before he slowly closes his eyes. But, it doesn't take long before they flutter open once again, Ajax tries to wake up before he vomits.

Blood?

“Ajax,” Ayato calls in horror as he sees the bowl he holds. Ajax often vomits with some blood indeed, but it is never full of blood like this.

“It's okay,” Ajax says quietly. “I’m okay.”

“You're not,” he says, unable to hide the crack in his voice.

Ajax weakly touches his cheeks, trying to give him reassurance. His eyes look more tired now as he tries his best to keep them open. It looks too clear that he is in so much pain.

Ayato wipes the blood that stains those pale lips. He can feel an ache in his heart every time he sees Ajax vomits. It makes him feel so helpless seeing the love of his life slowly fading away.

“Let's just go back to the hospital, Ajax,” Ayato says, his voice trembling. “It hurts my heart to see you in pain.”

“Sorry,” Ajax whispers. He closes his eyes, tears starting to fall dampening his cheeks. “I'm sorry.”

“No, no, it's okay,” Ayato whispers. His thumb gently wipes Ajax’s tears even though tears start welling up on his own too. “It's okay, Ajax. Please don't cry.”

Ajax's eyes flutter open. They look wet as they stare at him back. He lifts his hand again, as if trying to give him comfort. “My beloved.”

“Hm?”

“Don’t cry,” Ajax whispers as he tries to smile. “I'm fine.”

Ayato nods as he blinks fast, keeping his tears from falling. He leans in, leaving a soft kiss on Ajax's forehead. “Tell me if anything hurts.”

Ajax nods before he closes his eyes once again, giving in to his pain that keeps worsening as days pass.

Chapter Text

“Ayato.”

“I'm here,” Ayato whispers as he squeezes Ajax's hand softly. It has been a while since Ajax's health took a free fall, yet Ajax kept persisting to stay at home, refusing to go to the hospital even for a short while. Ayato couldn't do anything but to comply, Ajax’s happiness is always the first and foremost after all.

“What's wrong?” Ayato carefully whispers.

Ajax blinks his eyes slowly. His eyes flutter weakly before he smiles, “I just dream of us.”

Ayato smiles back. He caresses Ajax's cheeks, carefully not touching the oxygen tube that Ajax needs once again. “What do we do there?”

Ajax closes his eyes once again. His smile lingers still, like he tries to picture his dream once again.

“We eat sweets,” he says. His voice sounds weak, like he needs an effort even to say a word. “Your milk tea, some beers.”

Ayato blinks fast, trying to hold back the tears that start to well up. “It's our daily date.”

“Yeah,” Ajax opens his eyes. He seems to want to make a light laugh, but a wheeze is what escapes his lips. “I miss it.”

“It's okay,” Ayato whispers, his voice sounds so quiet as he tries to repress the pain in his throat. “We can do it again when you get better.”

Ajax doesn't say anything. He remains silent as he blinks slowly. His eyes look at him thoroughly, like he tries to catch every detail of his face, like he tries to burn everything he sees into his memory.

“I’m sorry,” Ajax whispers, finally breaking the silence. He smiles weakly as he lifts his hand, trying to caress him with the strength he has left. “I’m tired.”

“It's okay, love,” Ayato tries to smile. He reaches Ajax's hand on his cheek, leaving a soft kiss on his wrist. “Do you want to rest?”

Ajax nods before he smiles once again. This time it's no longer faint —it looks just like the one he sees after Ajax proudly finishes a performance.

"I want to hug you.”

“Of course,” Ayato says before he climbs up the bed. And just like always, he pulls Ajax close, his hand keeps caressing the back of Ajax’s head, brushing his hair gently to lull him to sleep. His lips keep finding their way to Ajax's temple, kissing him softly so Ajax can feel all the love he has in his heart.

“You can sleep now, I will keep you safe.”

“Thank you,” Ajax says. A smile lingers on his lips as he hugs him close, burying his face in his embrace. “I love you.”

Ayato doesn't say anything as he fails to suppress the pain in his throat, but then he tightens his hug before he whispers back, “I love you too.”

Ajax closes his eyes with his smile lingers still. Then his breath even out, almost looking like he fell asleep when his fatigue won. His chest rises and falls in a rhythm before it slows down, then his chest doesn't rise again at all. His hug slowly loosen, his hands fall limp, putting a weight on Ayato's hips.

That night, Ayato no longer tries to hold back his tears.

He let the dam in his eyes break, tears flowing freely carrying his grief. He hugs Ajax tight, refusing to let go of his husband who has gone limp. His arms wrap around Ajax who slowly turns cold, his lips keep whispering Ajax’s name between his sobs.

At that moment, reality starts to sink in.

From now on, he can no longer see Ajax’s smile that looks like the morning sun. From now on, he can no longer hear Ajax’s lovely laughter that rings perfectly in his ears. From now on, he can no longer hear Ajax’s soft breath that always succeeds to lull him to sleep.

Ayato mourns for the nights he thought he would spend hugging Ajax close.

Ayato mourns for the mornings he thought he would wake up to Ajax's smile.

Ayato mourns for the loss of their hope, for the end of their tale, for the moments he thought they will have forever.

Ayato mourns for the future they had once dreamed.

“I will see you again, my love,” he says as he gives his husband a forehead kiss for the last time.

Chapter Text

It is raining when they hold the funeral.

Maybe it's just a sign that autumn is coming —because some leaves are falling too, together with the rain that falls lightly. The scent of petrichor fills the air, somehow making a relaxing scent with the flowers that cover Ajax's casket. The wind blows softly, tenderly caressing everyone whose face is wet with tears.

It feels like the earth cries too.

It almost feels like the universe is mourning too.

Ajax looks beautiful that day. His face looks peaceful despite the coldness of his skin. A smile lingers on his lips, like he is very content with his life despite not having a chance to grow old. He looks so at ease, so peaceful, so serene —maybe he can finally be at ease as the pain no longer haunts him in his sleep.

Ayato stopped crying that day. He realizes that this may be the second-best outcome they can expect. Because, what's more he can ask than Ajax passed peacefully in his arms? Ajax didn't even shed tears; he smiled the entire time when death embraced his soul. It makes him think that maybe Ajax is happy. It makes him think that maybe Ajax will be sad if he cries over his happiness.

So Ayato stops crying. He wears his faint smile as he brings Ajax to his final resting place. He also thanks everyone for the love and support they have given when Ajax lived.

Everyone comes to hug him, saying things like it's okay for him if he wants to cry. He just nods and smiles, saying his gratitude and some reassurance that they don't need to worry.

The funeral doesn't last long, the light rain still falling even when the event ends. Ajax's whole family stays in the cemetery for a moment as his little siblings cry so hard that their eyes get swollen. So Ayato just stays there, standing under his umbrella, silently watching them grieve beside Ajax’s grave.

“Thank you, Ayato.”

Ayato turns his face, staring back at Ajax’s father who stares at him with a smile. Ayato can see the weariness on his face, his eyes look red and swollen from crying too much.

“Ajax wouldn't look that happy if you weren't by his side.”

Ayato smiles back before he lowers his gaze. His vision starts blurring with the tears that well up in his eyes. So he blinks fast, trying to keep his eyes dry before he looks back up. “It has been a good time for me too.”

The man before him smiles. He pats his shoulder softly as he says, “It's okay to grieve, you can talk to me if the pain hurts too much.”

Ayato feels his lips quiver, so he doesn't even bother to answer. He is afraid he will get a breakdown if he opens his mouth, so he nods silently, letting the conversation end with one more pat on his shoulder.

After a moment, the rain falls a little harder, forcing them to leave and look for a shelter. So they leave the cemetery, leaving Ajax alone in the cold of his grave.

Ayato tightens his grip on his umbrella. His steps feel heavy, his heart clenched as he realizes that he will part with Ajax forever with every step he takes. It makes him realize that he will never see Ajax again, it makes him realize that he truly loses Ajax forever this time.

“Ayato.”

Ayato looks up, turning his gaze from the ground that he likes to see ever since Ajax passed. He can see Rosalyne standing under her umbrella, like she has waited for him since the funeral ended. So Ayato offers a polite smile, quietly asking what she needs.

“Ajax wants you to have this,” Rosalyne says as she hands him a thin box. “He said you like your music on this kind of disk.”

Ayato opens the box slightly, looking at a black vinyl that looks so brand new. It reminds him of the first time Ajax visited his home. He looked astounded as he saw a classic phonograph standing in the living room. The light in his eyes looked so radiant as he explored through his vinyl collection.

It was actually his father's. Ayato said that he likes to use it for listening to the music that his father used to love. It makes him feel closer with his father who just passed, he said.

Ajax smiled that day, his gaze looking so gentle as he hugged him close, saying that his father would be really proud of him for taking care of the thing his father used to love.

Ayato felt his eyes burn that day.

Ayato feels his eyes burn again today.

He never knows Ajax always remembers the little details that he himself doesn't even remember.

“It contains the studio recording of the music we played on your wedding day,” Rosalyne says. “Ajax gave us the notes the moment he received his second diagnosis.”

Ayato blinks fast, chasing away any tears that start to surface once again. It seems Ajax has known all along that he will leave. It seems Ajax has prepared everything without him knowing.

“Thank you,” Ayato says, his voice hoarse after all the choking feeling he represses in his throat. “It was really beautiful music you guys played.”

Rosalyne nods as she turns her face away, blinking fast to dry the tears that start to well up in her eyes. “Ajax always talked about you, especially when you both had a fight,” she says. “I used to get irritated with his babbling, but now I kinda miss it.”

Ayato chuckles. “I'm sorry on his behalf.”

“It's okay,” Rosalyne says as she lets out a light chuckle. “It was entertaining nonetheless.”

Ayato smiles. It might be the first genuine happy smile he has that day. It makes him relieved to see that even when Ajax is no longer with them today, he still lives in everyone's heart, giving them happy memories to cherish.

Ayato hopes Ajax will live in his heart until he, too, takes his last breath.

Chapter Text

Days passed by.

No matter how empty Ayato’s heart becomes, life is still going, giving him no chance to keep dwelling in grief.

Ayato finds himself going back to his routine —working, traveling, laughing. His life is very much the same, unless now there's no more date after he works, there's no more calls before he goes to sleep.

His heart longs for Ajax still, every night he will play the vinyl to lull him to sleep, hoping he will see his love again in his dream. Sometimes he finds himself staring at the sky on his lunch break, seeing a cloud that resembles Ajax's face. Sometimes he would stare at the moon, looking thoroughly at its crescent that reminds him of Ajax's smile.

It feels nice.

It feels good sometimes when he remembers that Ajax loves him until his last breath, totally fulfilling his vows on their wedding day.

Ayato hopes that he, too, will always love Ajax until he dies.

He hopes his mind will never forget how Ajax's smile gives a warmth to his heart. He hopes he will never forget how Ajax's laughter rings perfectly in his ear, like a melody he can hear in the spring breeze. He hopes he will never forget how soft Ajax’s voice as he calls his name, so softly like his name is a precious thing to cherish.

Ayato hopes Ajax will still linger even though years pass by.

And he swears, he will find Ajax again in his next life.