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The first heartbreak was James Conway in 10th grade. Months of pining, slight hints, and makeup trials ended in him asking Angelica to prom instead of her. Eliza was crushed but come prom night, she had a smile on her face while she dressed up her best friend and giggled over what James was going to do. That heartbreak had been easy to forget, and the tears on her pillow quickly evaporated.
After James, she had a crush on Laf during their Introduction to Ethics class during freshman year. That one went south when she met Adrianna in her Clinical Psychology class the next semester. Because while Eliza thought she was pretty, Adrianna and Laf made a picture perfect couple that had had apparently been together for longer than the Internet had been a thing. So, Eliza quietly let go of her thing for Laf and was happily waiting for her prince charming. And he arrived; her senior year, Eliza met Alex and for once, it wasn’t a little crush.
It was everything from love letters to clandestine visits while Alex was finishing his MBA/JD. Within three months, Alex, irrational, loud, passionate, Alex had captured her heart. When he started talking about marriage, she was taken aback, until he said that he had to move to D.C. to work at a start-up and he didn’t think he could make it to New York anymore. And after that, she knew that she was she was going to marry him and not look back. And for twenty years, she didn’t regret that decision. Sadly, the other shoe had to fall.
“Mrs. Hamilton, Mrs. Hamilton, are you going to divorce your husband?”
“How are your children dealing with this?”
“Do you think this affects his ability to lead a company?”
Between the questions, flashing lights and the heavy breathing of her daughter, all Eliza wanted to do was hide in her room. But this time, there was a squadron of little ones that depended on her. Tucking William closer to her side, she drew the curtains back and headed into the kitchen. Each of her children were there and she had to smile. William and his curly hair, AJ pretending to sword fight with James and John, all still hidden from what was going on outside. Her heart broke a little when she saw her eldest two. Phillip’s jaw was clenched as he held a weeping Angelica and Angie’s face was hidden as she tried to hush her sobs.
“Phillip, can you go set the table?” About to protest, Phillip wisely cut himself off once he saw his mom’s worried face. Detangling himself from Angie, he squeezed her shoulder before giving his mom a hug and whispering, “I hate him so fucking much mom.” Giving him a small smile, Eliza waited and then went to her beautiful, nerve stricken daughter.
“Shh, Shh, my angel it will be alright. I have you. I’m here.” Placing Angie’s hand on her chest to calm her down, she tries to remember that she needs to breathe too.
It was past eleven and still there were flashes from cameras all around the house. Every other second, another went off and Angie couldn’t handle it. Each burst of light made her more anxious and her breathing had become staggered. Every inch of her was trembling and Eliza was going mad.
“Sweetie, I need you to breathe for me. C’mon, see everything is okay; let’s synchronize our breaths,” Moving Angie hand to her chest, she started counting, “un deux trois quatre…”
Her eldest was pacing along the windows trying to bock any sign of flashes. His body was tense and anger so evident that Eliza didn’t know what to do. Taking a deep breath, she looked at her trembling child before she made a snap judgment.
“Phillip bring me my phone and take Angie to the bathroom. Close the door and have her breathe with you, okay.”
Hearing his mom’s assertive, no-nonsense tone, Phillip jumped into action and gently took Angie from her. She heard shushing and closed her eyes before looking down at the device that she had been ignoring all day. Unlocking the screen, she saw the thirty missed called and endless streams of texts and all she wanted was to throw her phone away. With her eyes closed she took a deep breath before steeling herself and hitting the number that she never thought she’d be hesitant to call. Not even one ring later it was picked up.
“Betsey,” that one hushed word almost sent her spiraling, would have if she couldn’t hear Angie’s sobs.
“The paparazzi are making your daughter cry, fix it.”
“Fuck, they’re still there? I told Herc to get there an hour ago and clear them all out. I’ll call the police and security, Betsey. I promise they’ll be gone by the time I come home.”
Hearing his last sentence, Liza’s heart started pounding even louder. Taking a deep breath in, she calmed herself before replying.
“You’re not coming home Alexander, at least not tonight.”
That made Alex’s ramblings cease almost immediately. There was no flurry of papers or the sound of his footsteps. It was just quiet.
“Betsey?”
Ignoring the hitch in his voice, she continued on, “I have four kids who don’t know what’s going on except reporters want to talk to their dad. They don’t know why he’s not home yet or why there are cameras everywhere. I have a daughter who can’t stop crying and gets worse every time a flash goes off, which will only increase when you come by. And I have a son who is so mad right now I think he will kill you if he sees you. So, you are not coming home, not now at least.”
Hearing his intake of breath, she hung up the phone. Tonight was not about Alexander Hamilton or his feelings, no tonight was about her child.
Vibration was the most annoying phone setting. Everyone knew that your hone was going off and it was the most jarring sound to wake up to. When Eliza first heard the sound, she wanted to ignore it. She had cleared her schedule and had phoned in yesterday for her kids. There was nothing for her to do. Yet, a lifetime with living with Angelica and then Alex made it impossible for her to ignore the call.
“Eliza”
“Mrs. Hamilton, this is Jane Lofferty, head of PR at Federalist One. Could you come in at eleven to talk about the current circumstances?”
Even for someone who had stopped dealing with corporate America after marriage, Eliza knew that this was not a request. It was an order and most likely not from Lofferty but from Alexander’s boss.
“I can’t do eleven.”
“Ma’am, this afternoon is rather busy for me and eleven….”
“Ms. Lofferty, in this instance, you need me more than I need you. I need to take care of my kids right now and I have another more pressing meeting. You can give me a later time.”
There was silence, which was something that Eliza expected. The media had always painted her as the timid wife. The women that was so quiet that she balanced Alex’s wild temper. She was shy, quiet and the demure one Sadly, quietness had somehow translated into being meek and a pushover. And Eliza was sick of people thinking she was a pushover.
“Later would be fine. What time?”
Breathing in, “One would be fine. Thank you.” Hanging up the phone, Eliza got out of bed and moved towards her children’s room. Phillip had reggaetton blasting and when she peaked her head in, he was angrily doing sit-ups. Angie was still fitfully asleep; face at peace. The little ones were playing, waiting for breakfast and for once, this house, the house which she had spent years filling with books and memories and dreams felt lonely and empty
Federalist One had never been her favorite place. The building felt cold and impersonal and she couldn’t for the life of her understand why Alex wanted to spend all of his time here. Unlike the orphanage there was nothing warm about it and the occupants of the building lived in a dog-eat-dog world that showed no compassion to those who needed it, as evident by the way they all stared at her as she passed through the building. Hounded by paparazzi after she left her house, she expected the future journalists and economists of America to show more decorum than the slime that were parked outside of her home. Yet, it seemed like all pf them were hell bent on openly staring at her.
“Betsey?” A quiet voice broke through the hush that had surrounded the floor as soon as she walked in. Turning around, she saw Alex, frazzled, bleary eyed, hopeful Alexander rapidly approaching her. Stopping in her tracks, she waited for him to catch up.
“What are you doing here,” he breathlessly asked trying to finish those sentences before going in to hug her. The Hamilton’s had always been an openly affectionate couple; they were often seen hugging and kissing in the streets of D.C. to the chagrin of their kids. Predicting the move, Eliza flinched backwards, bumping her hip onto the edge of a desk. Looking down to rub the incoming bruise, she missed the look of dismay and hurt that passed over Alexander’s face at her actions.
“I have a meeting with Lofferty at one.” Her voice was clipped; a tone that she only saved when she was particularly anxious. It was odd. When she had first met Alex, she was a wreck: all stammering words and flustered expressions but somehow her nervousness felt good, like it made the whole situations more meaningful. Now, the nerves were all centered in her stomach and the tightness in her throat made it feel as though she were choking.
“I do too. I was just headed over,” he gestured to the door at the end of the hall. Looking at him directly for the first time, her eyes passed over his neat ponytail and sharp cheeks to focus on his brow. Everything about Alex’s mood was evident there. Now, it was wrinkled and worry and guilt plagued his eyes. It felt good to see that honestly. Nodding her head she started walking. Not looking back to see whether he would follow or the expression on his face when she didn’t.
Ms. Lofferty was a clean, put-together woman. Every hair was perfectly pulled into a bouncy ponytail and her hands had a delicate French manicure. When she looked up at her and Alex, the poised smile on her face dropped a little once she noticed the distance between them. The man standing beside her looked even more displeased.
“Please sit! Mrs. Hamilton, I’m Ms. Lofferty but please call me Jane and this here is Mr. Conway, the head of Federalist One. Can Michelle get you a drink?”
Eliza shook her head before sitting down. Alex was hesitant to sit next to her, eyes flickering between the seat and her emotionless expression, before sitting down uneasily. His foot was tapping the floor and those beautiful brown eyes constantly darted towards her, trying to read every movement she made.
“Well, Mrs. Hamilton, I cannot begin to understand what you’re going through, and of course are biggest concern is you…”
“Like hell it is.”
The words silenced the room. The angry staccato words seemed to echo in the room and sent everyone’s eyes to her. Conway and Lofferty’s shocked faces and Alex’s concerned ones all met her angry glare.
“Betsey,” Alex’s hand fruitlessly reached for hers. Before yesterday, she would have wanted the warm pressure of his hand as she went up against a foe. He was her anchor, a source of strength if she needed extra and a bulwark against any ridiculous arguments that would come her way. Today though, she pulled her hand away and balled it into her lap. Alex’s hand laid empty and he closed his eyes briefly before looking at her again.
“Sir, I am not an idiot, nor am I naïve. And I would appreciate it if you could treat me as an equal, not a woman you can belittle.”
Conway’s eyes narrowed as he took her in. Focusing on her determined eyes, he nodded and soldiered on.
“Well then, Mrs. Hamilton I’m sure you’re aware that this situation is troubling for us as a company as well. Our stock numbers have drastically decreased since evidence of this affair has broken and our PR is horrible. I asked Jane here to put together some solutions and we wanted to present them to you both.”
Alex started to say something; his anger evident in his tense shoulders and balled fists. She sent a quick look at him, and after twenty years, he knew that meant sit down and shut up.
“Yes, well I was thinking we could sign up to do a few TV shows. We can work with them and have a joint interview with you and Alex and the kids at the house. So, we will first…”
“My children are not going on camera.”
Conway’s eyes narrowed even more and Lofferty looked flustered to say the least. Out of her periphery, she saw Alex shift but he wasn’t her focus right now.
“Excuse me?”
“I have a baby, and two boys who don’t know what’s going on, and I’m not going to have them find out on television. My three oldest have no interest in being on TV.”
“Mrs. Hamilton, surely you could talk to them? It is not a big deal and we could coach them…”
“My daughter has social anxiety and has been crying for twenty-four hours. My eldest can’t look at a picture of his father without getting mad, and my middle one is holding it together for me. So, no it is a big deal.”
“Well then, you two can go together? It can be a brief interview on how you two are moving past the scandal and working on your marriage.” Lofferty’s voice became more desperate and her poised smile looked like it was barely holding together.
“If I did that, it would make it look like I still wanted to be married. I’m not sure if I do.”
That sentenced caused Alex to turn his attention solely to her. The hurt and guilt in his eyes compounding as he opened his mouth.
“Eliza?”
She ignored him and focused entirely on the two people in front of her.
“With all due respect, ma’am, you are a public figure and owe the public some explanation.” Conway’s gruff voice said. His pale skin was flushed and he and Alex both had their hands fisted.
“I am not a public figure. I work at an orphanage and until now all anyone knew about me was whatever Angelica and Alex said. The public is not entitled to anything from me.”
“Mrs. Hamilton, surely you can see…”
“The world doesn’t get to know what goes on in my home, they don’t get to know what happens in my marriage, and they especially don’t get to know what happens in my head or heart. That is private and only is shared with those I choose. Despite what you and my husband think.”
The last sentence caused Alex to reach for her. His eyes were rimmed with a ring of blood vessels and his brow was so ruffled that if she saw him five days ago she would ran her fingers over it. Right now, all the tightness was in her chest and she needed it to be transferred to him. She wanted, no needed, him to feel half of the pain she did. Knocking his hand aside, she quickly stood up.
“If that’s all, I have to go.”
Her sisters had always been the more dramatic ones. But after today, Eliza may have just given them a run for their money. Because when she left, she shattered hopes, plans, and one heart.
Dinner that night was a quiet affair. After getting home and sobbing into a pillow, Eliza fixed her hair, washed her face, and went to her audience: her waiting children.
“Phillip, can you get Angie to help you set the table? Alex, bring out the salad please. James, John wash your hands!” William had been put to sleep an hour ago. God had blessed her with that one; unlike his older siblings, William was a quiet baby. Well-mannered and happy to just sit and observe. At ten months, he only cried when hungry. At his point, it felt like a concession from god. Get a cheating husband and in exchange get a well-behaved kid.
They were halfway through the dinner when the front door unlocked. Eliza’s heart stopped in her chest as her eyes frantically went to Phillip who became tense in the middle of a joke.
“Are you okay, Mommy?” James asked while playing with his mashed potatoes, already not paying attention to the answer.
“Yeah baby, I’m fine. Why don’t you eat more of those potatoes if you want to be big and strong like Phillip?” She ran her hand through James’s hair and tried not to notice the footsteps that were approaching the kitchen.
“Daddy, daddy!” James and John jumped out of their seats as they ran to their fathers. For them, it was great because there father, their fun-loving, joking father was home before seven on a weeknight. That was a rarity.
“Daddy, come eat dinner with us. Mommy made your favorite!’ her boys both lead her smiling husband in. Alex was not an absent parent, despite his schedule. He was always fully present when he was with his kids, reading to them at night, cooking breakfast for them, and talking to them all the time. They adored them, at least most of them did.
When Alex sat down, three of her children stared resolutely at their plates. When Alex sat down next to Phillip, Phillip’s jaw clenched and he scooted his chair away from him.
“So, how are you, Angel? French going okay?” Alex’s knife scratched against the plate; the sound was jarring in the room. When Alex was home, the house was never quiet.
Angie had her head trained downwards as she finished a bite.
“F-f-fine,” the stammering made Alex’s eyes become softer. Angie had a stutter when she was younger and it had taken a lot of time and therapy for her to outgrow it. The reappearance made shivers shoot up Eliza’s spine and seemed to have the same effect on Alex.
“Angel-“
“May I be excused?” Her quiet voice cut through Alex’s. She had already stood up and was walking to the door before he had opened his mouth. While Alex was a devoted father to all of his kids, Angie was special for him. She was his princess, the one that was so different that he had to work to understand. Her shyness made him work ten times harder to understand her, but after weekly daddy-daughter walks and therapy sessions, Angie and Alex were close and Alex was the first to know all of her problems.
Alex had half risen out of his seat to go after but Eliza beat him to it.
“Phillip, can you clean up the boys? I’ll be back,”
Rushing upstairs, she followed the hushed sobs to a hidden corner of the house. Her beautiful, beautiful daughter had her hands tangled in her hair pulling, as she rocked herself back-and-forth, like a toy. Tears streamed down her face, Liza crouched down next to her.
“Sweetheart, what wrong,” she said, swooping her daughter into a hug. Trying to provide the security that her daughter’s mind wasn’t giving her. “Tell me, ange..”
“Don’t call me that!” Angie’s voice veered towards hysterical as she burrowed her head further into her mother’s chest. “He calls me that.”
“Sweetie?”
“He did this mom,” Angie’s red eyes met hers, almost begging in their sincerity, “he made the reporters come, he made me get made fun of in school, he hurt us. Why did he do that?” Angie’s face became scrunched and the tears fell faster from her cheeks.
Without a reply, she rocked her daughter, as if she were a child to sleep.
After putting Angie down, all she wanted was to curl up and sleep, but first something else needed to be taken care of.
“Betsey,” his voice shook, “we need to talk, please.” The last word hitched up in a plea.
Folding her clothes, she waited until the creases were perfect before looking back at him.
“You came home early tonight. I didn’t expect you home till eleven at least,” the coolness of her voice contrasted with her words. Alex’s dedication to his job had been a constant source of fighting for them. Despite how much time he spent with the kids, she thought he spent entirely too much time at work; everyone needed balance in their lives, and Alex always tipped towards work. Maybe that’s why he cheated; maybe Maria didn’t mind that he was married to his work before anything else.
“I don’t know what you want me to say Alex. I’m upset that you cheat on me. That I’m heartbroken that after twenty years, I thought I was at least worth a fucking phone call, or how humiliated I am that me and every other person in America found out at the same fucking time. So, I don’t know what you want me to do,”
“Betsey, it was a mistake.”
She had to laugh at that, but when she did, it didn’t sound like her. It sounded fake, stilted, and cold.
“You don’t make mistakes Alex. You think everything through until you decide what’s going to help your name because of course, that’s all that matters. Not the fact that I loved you, or your daughter has been in tears all night or hell the fact the kids can’t go to school because of all the looks they’re getting. But hell at least everyone in DC knows you’re not corrupt!” Her calm tone transformed with every syllable to become more and more irate. Her hands gripped the edge of the dresser tighter and her knuckles were white. She was concentrating so hard on the wall that she didn’t notice when Alex got close enough to put his hand atop of hers. However, the contact awoke her. Quickly pulling her hand away, she moved away from him
“Loved?” Alex hushed whisper made her stop, “Betsey, please I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I know I hurt you, but please Betsey, don’t leave me; I don’t know what I’d do if you did.” For once, Alex’s voice wasn’t loud. It didn’t carry over. For once, it was just for her, and she didn’t know what to do with that.
“You would do what you always do,” the bite in her tone was acidic. It burnt Alex and he wanted to recoil. All he wanted to do was take shelter, but he couldn’t because for twenty years, she had been his shelter. She had been his safe space, the comforting shoulder, and the warm words. And now, she was expelling him.
“You would lock yourself up in your office. Spend time with annual reports and briefs and not have to deal with a nagging wife, or coming home. Hell, it’s not like it would be any different then now. Coming home after all the kids have fallen asleep, not coming on vacations, and when you are home, it would be in your office. I’m done, Alexander.” She ended her tirade softly, and all the exhaustion that she was putting off came crashing back down onto her. Her shoulders slumped. When Alex met her eyes, her reflection was tired and worn. When had she become old?
“I’m not leaving, but not for you. The kids don’t need their entire world to be torn apart because of your reckless actions,” her quiet, casual tone cut him, “but I’m done trying to balance your life.”
“Betsey, please I promise, no I swear I’ll get help. I’ll cut back at work, I’ll go see a counselor, I’ll…”
“You won’t Alex. Despite all of your flowery words and promises, I was always the mistress in our relationship. You were and are married to your work and your legacy, not me. And it’s taken me twenty years to accept it. If you want to work yourself into an early grave go for it, I’m done. You don’t deserve a family life, you don’t deserve affection, and you don’t deserve me, not anymore.” Turning around, she walked towards the head of the bed and only faced him when she was there. His arms were wrapped around himself and his brow so furrowed that her fingers ached to calm him. For once, he looked small.
“There are extra blankets and pillows in the closet. You can sleep in your office.”
“Betsey, please,” Alex tried one more time, “I love you.”
Her heart hurt, and her breath caught in her throat.
“That not enough anymore.”