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There's little to nothing I wouldn't do to swap the body I live in for another one. However body swapping is a rather impossible thing to do. I have found my ways to deal with it though, more or less healthily. I still limit myself in food intake and I push myself to do my exercises. I don't exactly starve myself anymore. And I'm off that o so fabulous pharmaceutical diet I used to engage in in younger years. When saying I'm uncomfortable in my body I am not talking weight only. I despise most of my male features too. I don't like the broad shoulders. I'd kill for a tinier waist and shoot what wouldn't I do to get rid of my stubble altogether. I'm not saying I want to be a woman. No not. At all to be honest. But I'd be lying if I'd say I want to be male. I just don't feel like I belong in either of those categories. And that's what's killing me.
I never really bothered labelling myself. Not in music and neither in gender. I've caused the people around me enough trouble as it is. No need for any further confusion. And still, some nights it gets hard to pretend everything was fine. And I hate lying to my friends. To the band. To my family. To myself. And so I leave, retreat to my bunk or hotel room or whatever place I can find where I can shut the rest of the world out.
Tonight is one of these nights. The show is over, we're staying at a hotel for the night and I don't have any appointments till tomorrow noon. I shut the door with an overly dramatic kick, stomp my feet before I let out a frustrated sigh. I feel like screaming but I can't allow myself to be heard. Someone might notice. The bed looks abandoned and too big for me alone. I dread sleeping alone. It's hard to explain but despite I very much appreciate being alone I hate facing myself at night. It's when it all becomes scary and big. Night is when my demons come out to play. A swift gesture and I'm stripped off my tight black shirt and vest. My gloves and accessories come to rest on the floor next to them, leaving me naked except for my dark shiny trousers and the heavy boots on my feet.
The pounding of my own steps echo in my ears whilst I strut to the bathroom. I lock the door and turn on the water of sink and tub so no one hears the things that will ensue. "Fuck. Fuck this all." The words come easily. My voice stings in my head. I spit at myself in the mirror. My makeup's a mess and probably has been since the second half of tonight's show. I look ridiculous. /Stupid little tranny/ Ahh here we go. The voices in my head getting louder and louder. /Why don't you give up just already. You're a looser Joshua. You're a little fuck-up. A no-good. Joshy-boy. Don't lie to me. You know you'd be better off dead./ "No please." I whimper, my bottom lip quivering. My pleading remains unheard. I may seem strong outside. But I'll never be able to stand up to myself when I get like this. I don't want this. I want to be better. But still I take the razor to my skin. And still I swallow the pretty little pills. "Come on." I whisper to myself. I take down the blade.
"Don't."
What? Who's that. There's knocking on my door. And I can hear faint swearing.
"If you don't fucking open this fucking son of a motherfucking bitch door I swear to god.."
Matt. That's Matt's voice. My eyes widen in shock and I drop the blade. The bright clanking sound when it hits the sink disrupts the silence.
"Now come on. You KNOW I'm here. I can hear you. Please let me in." Matt basically cries from out the door.
Numb with shock, pain and adrenaline I can practically watch myself as I make my way over to the door. Without a word or sound my fingers undo the lock. Matt tries the door and almost falls over when it finally opens.
"Youuuuu!" He points at me with trembling lips and shaking hands. "I- if I wasn't so fucking worried I could kill you now. What do you think are you doing he-" he stops as his glance grazes the fresh cuts on my pale skin. "Oh come on. Gimme a break. Now tell me again how these songs are not about you cutting cause of her. Shit I'm sorry I didn't mean to. Shit. Ugh. Shoot. Come 'ere."
My silent sobbing stops him and he embraces me in an awkward excuse for a hug. "I didn't want you to see me like this." I mumble. "I know. I know." Matt pulls me in closer and suddenly the throbbing bright red behind my eyes calms down. The anger and disappointment in myself dissolve and leave me cold, shaking, vulnerable and indescribably sad and exhausted. The younger man brushes a strand of dirty blond hair out of my eye and presses a kiss to my cheek. "You uh.. I... Just want you to know that I'm here to help you through this." Matt sighs. "I know it's hard. With HER and all." He spits out the pronoun as if it was the worst swearword he can think of.
I shake uncontrollably now. "it's not. It's not like I don't think I will ever get over it. I just. I. I don't think I am the person she wanted me to be. I'm not the person you think I am either."
Matt raises an eyebrow. "Josh I doubt there's anything about you that I can't eventually get used to. Except you harming yourself like this. I can't have you do that to yourself. Well and whatever it is to do with her... You deserve better. You two didn't work out anymore and that's ok. That happens. A lot actually."
My eyes wander the floor. I can't look at him when I tell him. "Matt. I'm not doing very well. I'm not who you think I am. Matt... I'm queer as fuck."
I look at him. Searching his eyes for any hint of disgust, disappointment, disregard. But there is none. He looks right at me and gives me an honest smile.
I clear my throat. "this is who I am. The makeup. The long hair. I.. I'm not so sure if I am gay or a fucking tranny or.. I just. I'm not a man. Not all the time at least. I just feel so weird and disgusting and. And I tried to tell her but she would laugh at me. And she would make jokes about how she wouldn't turn lesbian for me... When all I wanted was to be ok. God I just want to be ok." Tears are spilling from my lids once again and I try hard to choke them back but I don't succeed.
"Josh. Hey Josh. Look at me." Matt lifts my chin so I'm at eye level with him now. "don't get this wrong. But I don't care. I'm not sure if I can really help you with this. But I'll try. I don't care of you're a man or a girl. Or something in-between. You're beautiful. Either way. Promised. No one's got the right to tell you who you are. And if you feel good with your make-up and all. That's ok! And damn those pants look fucking good on that tight little ass of yours. Oh shit that was probably a huge bit inappropriate. Sorry got sorta carried away. But the point remains the same. I don't judge you for what you are, because I love you for who you are. And if she couldn't do that.. Well she didn't deserve you then. Hey. Joshy. Stop crying now. Please. Heyy.." He holds me close in his arm's tight embrace and takes the cold and the sadness off my shoulders.
After a while I do stop my sobbing. "so you're ok with this?" I mumble. I'm surprised to have found my words again after Matt's words had seemingly left me speechless. "Of course I am. Josh. Oh god. I'd love you even if you told me you were sexually attracted to diet coke. I just want you to be happy. I love you man."
"You say that a lot." My voice breaks.
"what?"
"That you love me."
"That's because I do dumbass."
I flinch. Hearing him of all say that to me. After he practically told me he'd accept me come what may has me startled. I take a breath and turn in closer to the younger man. "Say that again." I breathe against his warm skin.
"Dumbass." He whispers, his lips curl up to form a contagious smile.
I lean in and press my lips to his. It's a calm kiss. Our lips barely even move. But in that very moment time stands still. My half naked body in his warm embrace. His fingers in my messy hair. My tears streaming down his cheeks as I rest my forehead against his.