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Yoo Joonghyuk is no stranger to despair. He knows what it’s like to grieve, to howl in pain each time his companions are torn away from him, to rage at the skies and the constellations above each time he dies and regresses, over and over again.
Yoo Joonghyuk also knows how to not grieve, because the Star Stream is never so kind as to allow them the luxury of standing there and crying over cold bodies. There are many times when he has to leave them behind – before he joins them too. So he learns how to suppress and grit his teeth and walk away, even as a nameless part of him writhes in agony with every step.
He struggles. He grieves and endures, he hates and despairs. Silently, endlessly. All alone.
There is a specific pain that comes with losing those you love that never dulls, no matter how many times he experiences it. It tears whatever is left of him into smaller pieces, and one day, all that’s left of him is a hollow shell with a hollow determination for the ‘end’. He knows this will happen because he remembers it, almost. He knows because Kim Dokja saw it.
The 999th Yoo Joonghyuk and the 1863rd and the 41st – they're all Yoo Joonghyuk, to some extent, and he knows how they - he - think. It’s easier not to have companions. It’s easier not to care. But when has Yoo Joonghyuk ever chosen the easy path? In more lifetimes than not, he picks them, again and again, because he is a selfish man who has wanted nothing but someone to understand him, deep down.
No one ever does.
Yoo Joonghyuk opens his eyes on the same familiar subway. Compartment 3707 of the 3434 Train to Bulgwang. This time, he lets it all burn.
The first time Kim Dokja died in front of Yoo Joonghyuk was during the 5th scenario, by the hands of the Disaster of Floods, Shin Yoosung from the 41st regression. Yoo Joonghyuk was… shocked. This irritating man with his confident smile and eyes that saw through everything, died?
There was always something about Kim Dokja that seemed eternal, like maybe a cockroach or a rat that kept coming back whenever you tried to get rid of it. So maybe Yoo Joonghyuk started believing that he wouldn't die either. Not all of him, but enough of him that the sight of Kim Dokja's hollow body slumping down wrought white static across his thoughts.
Why are you dying?
“... Kim Dokja?”
Why did you die for me?
Yoo Joonghyuk realized, in the split second before Kim Dokja pushed him away, that he was supposed to die in that moment. That fate required a death by the 41st Shin Yoosung's hand, and Kim Dokja had taken his place. The nameless thing inside Yoo Joonghyuk was knocked out of balance, jarred out of place by Kim Dokja's push.
“Kim Dokja!”
The foolish man still had the gall to flash that shit-eating grin, even as he bled out onto the ground. It must've hurt like hell. Yoo Joonghyuk knew from personal experience.
“Hey, kill me. You usually want to kill me.”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s one minute left so I’ll let you kill me. Kill me.”
“Wait Kim Dokja! It isn’t too late.”
“It is too late.”
“It isn’t!” Shut up, Kim Dokja.
Blood coated his hands, thick and sluggish and he knew that Kim Dokja will not live, but he couldn’t just —
“If you kill me now you can gain coins. I’m already dying. Just kill me.”
Fuck coins. Stupid bastard, Kim Dokja. Why are you thinking about money right now?
Yoo Joonghyuk made a familiar, but unrecognizable expression. Kim Dokja knew that it was the expression he made when they first met each other on the subway, but had no words to describe it. It was an expression that neither character nor reader could understand because they had not yet lived long enough to. Pain, sorrow, hatred, despair, guilt, hope, and longing. It was a chaotic amalgamation of everything Yoo Joonghyuk - the 1863rd Yoo Joonghyuk and every other Yoo Joonghyuk - felt for his once and eternal companion.
“....I can’t do it.”
And so, Kim Dokja died. Yoo Joonghyuk grit his teeth and stood up, but this time, he didn’t walk away.
“I’m going to kill you, Shin Yoosung.”
The 41st Shin Yoosung ridiculed him and both of them knew that the gap in their strength was too much for Yoo Joonghyuk to bridge in this life. But he swung his sword without hesitation; again and again and again. Since when has overwhelming strength ever stopped Yoo Joonghyuk? He will fight until he dies, then he will regress and fight again. Even if it kills him, he will kill Shin Yoosung right here.
“... Captain, aren’t you too agitated? What is the reason?” The 41st Shin Yoosung’s eyes flickered to Kim Dokja’s body. Yoo Joonghyuk shifted to block her gaze and kicked off the ground. The battle against Shin Yoosung’s monsters raged around them, but his vision had tunneled towards only his goal.
“... That guy.” The Heaven Shaking Sword rattled dangerously in his grip with every clash, Kim Dokja’s blood slicking the hilt. “He is my companion.”
—
It turned out that Kim Dokja died, but only temporarily. As he watched Kim Dokja beat the intermediate dokkaebi that tortured the 41st Shin Yoosung black and blue, he thought about the words she spat at him, and her final moments.
“Captain, how can you say that? How dare you say that in front of me?”
“Have you heard of the ‘Great Demon of the Horizon’? If Captain’s luck is bad, you will meet him soon. However, never fight him. It is almost impossible for Captain to kill him….”
Captain this, Captain that. Yoo Joonghyuk of the 3rd regression, however, was not her Captain. He cannot say the words she longs to hear. In this lifetime, his companion was only one man. They even have a story about it. Kim Dokja looked at him briefly between punches and he looked back.
“Then what about me and the others? Jihye unni and Hyunsung oppa. Seolhwa unni? What the hell are the people who fought with you?”
“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“What?”
“There is only one thing I know. You killed my companion in this round. Thus, you will also die.”
The fact that he was only the 3rd and not the 41st Yoo Joonghyuk will not stop him from seeking revenge. So live, Shin Yoosung. I will bear your hatred.
[The story, ‘Companions in Life and Death’ is quietly watching over you.]
He didn't think about the way his vision clouded when Kim Dokja's eyes lost their spark.
The second time Kim Dokja died, which was actually his third death, was not anywhere near Yoo Joonghyuk. Rather, it was a quiet and lonely place, at the hands of the only person who could share his secrets. Fitting for someone named the lonely Messiah.
As for Yoo Joonghyuk, he was battling in a ring as Incarnations and Constellations alike watched on, bloodthirsty and aching for the show of force. It left a bad taste in his mouth, but this was something they had to do. It went well, before his mind wore down. Really, he should’ve suspected something when his thoughts took a turn for the darker.
In spite of himself, Yoo Joonghyuk thought of Kim Dokja.
‘Don’t imagine that you’ll get better if you throw away this round.’ and ‘Maybe this is the round where you get to see the end of the world as a ‘human.’’
Kim Dokja…
What did he wish for, in that moment? Salvation? Yoo Joonghyuk was not a man who needed saving. Yet salvation came for him anyways.
-You jerk, you think quickly. Take a break.
It was strangely easy to surrender himself to Kim Dokja. Maybe that was the first sign. However, at that time, he only closed his eyes, quietly relieved in his heart.
When Yoo Joonghyuk opened his eyes, Kim Dokja was dead. He knew even before he opened his eyes, his subconscious having watched the battle between Kim Dokja and Nirvana Moebius and felt the way Kim Dokja trembled at the mention of his mother.
So Yoo Joonghyuk set off to fulfill the wishes of the deceased, a crease between his brow at the realization that Kim Dokja’s last words were to save Yoo Sangah. He didn’t attend the funeral.
“What happened to Dokja-ssi?”
“Kim Dokja is dead. However, he will live again.”
“... Live again? How?”
“I don’t know. I just know he won’t die like that.”
“....”
“... No, he must live.” Kim Dokja came back to life once, so he must be able to do it again. Kim Dokja would not die so easily. Anyone else, but not him.
Yoo Sangah watched Yoo Joonghyuk clench his fists so hard the scabs on his knuckles almost crack open again. His eyes were fever-bright and unsteady, and she suspected.
She would know her suspicion to be true the moment she learnt of the prophecy from Olympus.
The third time that Kim Dokja died, a nameless part of Yoo Joonghyuk began to know fear.
The fourth time Kim Dokja died, it was in battle against an outer god to save his mother after joining hands with the constellations once again. Cheok Jungyeong… he was a powerful swordsman. Exactly what they needed.
Kim Dokja lost his legs and Yoo Joonghyuk was reaching his own limits. Yet they climbed onwards into the skies. Not even hope was left. All they had was their own will, for hope was placing power in the hands of beings higher than oneself. They aimed to tear down the skies. Why would they do something as redundant as to hope?
Standing before the entrance of the ‘Eater of Dreams’, Yoo Joonghyuk held Kim Dokja by the collar like their first meeting.
“Release your hand and get lost, you damn son of a bitch.”
Yoo Joonghyuk felt his lips twitch up, despite himself. Reckless fucker. Just like the 2nd scenario, he drew his arm back and let go. Not to toss the man down to hell, but to propel him into the heavens.
Feed him one blow, Kim Dokja.
Just like their first meeting, his companion will return, crawling up from nothingness. That was what he trusted in.
‘What will happen to this world if I regress?’
[......]
‘Answer me.’
[......]
.
.
.
.
.
[Nothing.]
‘Good.’
It would only be later that he learned that this was the way things usually were. He just never asked about it until now.
This world never ended with Yoo Joonghyuk. It just began with him.
As Yoo Joonghyuk reached for the jade that would turn him into the 73rd Demon King, his thoughts were clear. It was a conclusion that he had begun to head towards ever since the 5th scenario. The changes in this regression so far have all been because of Kim Dokja. Because of Kim Dokja, there is a real chance of seeing the end of the scenarios. I may not be able to save this world, but that guy… if it’s him, he might be able to do it.
“Yoo Joonghyuk!”
“Kim Dokja, make sure to keep your promise.”
“Hey! What nonsense are you saying? Yoo Joonghyuk you son of a bitch!”
Kim Dokja stared at him like he was looking at a stranger and Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t help but wonder. What sort of Yoo Joonghyuk did Kim Dokja see? Was it the same heartless 41st regression that threw Shin Yoosung aside like a broken tool, or the 2nd regression where he was used as a tool himself? Evidently, he did not think of Yoo Joonghyuk as someone who would sacrifice himself for others.
“I am used to the pain. Similarly, I am familiar with death. Don’t you already know this?”
“I know what you are saying but you don’t have to sacrifice yourself. You are a regressor but you don’t have multiple lives. I have resurrection on my side. That’s why you’re not the one suitable to become the demon king.”
“Resurrection. It is a good ability. However, do you think it will work in this scenario? If you have seen the scenario failure, can you be certain that resurrection will save you?”
Beyond anything else, there was his selfish wish. Don’t die, Kim Dokja.
That was the sole conclusion that he came to after hearing Yoo Sangah's revelation that day. Just thinking about it was like a bucket of cold water over his head. No matter what happens, Yoo Joonghyuk thought as he pointed the Heaven Shaking Sword at the man in front of him, Kim Dokja must not die. To save everyone else; to bring as many people as possible to the end of the scenarios, Yoo Joonghyuk will be the one to die here.
—
Yoo Joonghyuk had a thought, halfway delirious from blood loss, that he really does dislike Kim Dokja. The fucking bastard was really determined to die for his companions, wasn't he? Even when Yoo Joonghyuk was clearly the easier choice. But then again, when have they ever picked the easy way out.
Kim Dokja was a cruel man, to put such a task on his companions. It spoke of his trust in them, but also his callousness.
“…What companions? What type of companion has to kill another companion to live?” Jung Heewon’s words rang loudly in his ears. She can say this because she hadn’t been through what Yoo Joonghyuk had and what Kim Dokja and Han Sooyoung implicitly understand, as prophets.
“It is because you are a trustworthy companion that I am putting my life in your hands.” Companion, companion. This was why he preferred to be alone.
[The constellation ‘Demon-like Judge of Fire’ feels despair.] Uriel. She was never this kind in past worldlines. Was this also because of Kim Dokja?
They meet eyes, once again, and Yoo Joonghyuk has already cemented his determination. It's too late to reverse the demon king transformation now, so their paths have narrowed to one. He struggled to his feet and charged forward, even if a voice inside him cried that everything was wrong.
He swung his blade with intent to kill, and with every clash he hoped Kim Dokja would understand what his actions would do to their companions.
It should’ve been me who died here, Yoo Joonghyuk continued to think.
Even if he just stood still and took the beating, Kim Dokja as a demon king was ridiculously strong. Blood continued to well up and drip down his lips, painting that unwavering smile an unfortunate red. A nameless part of Yoo Joonghyuk rattled in place at the sight, as if trying desperately to hold itself together.
“I hoped the moment where I had to use this would never come.”
“Me too. However, now is the time.”
To kill a companion with his own hands. Surprisingly, this was the first time. It will not be the last. He pulled out the sword that would cut Yamata no Orochi’s remaining lives just as Shin Yoosung finally received her stigma. ‘Sacrifice’s Will’. What a stupid name. Yoo Joonghyuk clenched his jaw, hefting his sword once again. He really does hate Kim Dokja.
Thank you for everything, Kim Dokja said. What is there to be thankful for?
The white judgement of Hell Flames Ignition licked at the edges of his vision and the 73rd Demon King laughed as Yoo Joonghyuk sank the Heavenly Sword of Gathering Clouds into his chest. The laugh rattled out of his prone body as if he was spitting in the face of the constellations. No matter how painful the death, Kim Dokja would not let them have the satisfaction of witnessing his pain. He would not let the others see his pain either.
Yoo Joonghyuk caught him as he slumped down, the blood of his companion once again coating his hands. Ironically, it looked like he held a fallen angel in his arms.
[The constellation ‘Prisoner of the Golden Headband’ doesn’t wish for the death of Incarnation ‘Kim Dokja’.]
[The constellation ‘Abyssal Black Flame Dragon’ doesn’t wish for the death of Incarnation ‘Kim Dokja’.]
[The constellation ‘Secretive Plotter’ doesn’t wish for the death of Incarnation ‘Kim Dokja’.]
[The constellation ‘Demon-like Judge of Fire’ doesn’t wish for the death of Incarnation ‘Kim Dokja’.]
Yoo Joonghyuk said nothing, waiting for… something. That last minute turnabout where Kim Dokja revealed the small loophole that no one caught and flashed that smug smile of his, maybe. Just something that proved this wasn’t the end of his journey. Yoo Joonghyuk doesn’t understand what he means by a ‘good story’.
“Let’s meet again, Yoo Joonghyuk.”
In the moment before he was expelled from the scenario, the 73rd Demon King faded away to reveal the pale and gaunt face of Kim Dokja, white coat and all. With his role over, he’ll be thrown away like trash, a negligible collateral damage in the large scheme of the Star Stream. As the constellations wished, Kim Dokja died as an Incarnation.
Pieces of Kim Dokja start flaking off, swirling in the air before disappearing into a small black vortex. Yoo Joonghyuk’s ears ring, drowning out the cries of their companions around them. There’s a hysterical part of him that makes the connection to a movie he watched a long time ago where this exact sort of thing happened.
“Kim Dokja! No! Kim Dokja!” In a last ditch effort, he grabbed Kim Dokja’s neck, squeezing as tight as he could with his current strength. If anything, Yoo Joonghyuk wanted to keep Kim Dokja’s voice. Yet that too turned to dust and escaped his grasp. All that was left were the people who were saved by Kim Dokja, the people who absorbed his words; and now, as the pieces of the Dark Castle crumbled around them, the people who will have to move on without him.
Stupid Kim Dokja. When did I ever get a chance to save your life when you're always running off and dying?
—
Standing on the outskirts of the Dark Castle, Yoo Joonghyuk suddenly remembered what Kim Dokja said at the Constellation Banquet.
“We will make our own nebula. It will be called the ‘Kim Dokja Company.’”
It’s still a bad name. But how can ‘Kim Dokja Company’ be what it was without ‘Kim Dokja’?
The Dark Castle was collapsing, like it never existed, and there, within that collapsing Castle, was Kim Dokja’s final resting place. Kim Dokja was dead, gone to someplace outside the scenario where even constellations can’t survive. He was dead.
Yoo Joonghyuk repeated these things to himself again and again, as if trying to imprint them in his mind. It won’t be like the 5th scenario, where he was shocked by Kim Dokja’s death and immediately proven wrong, even if the thought of Kim Dokja dying for real was still as surreal as it was when he died the first time.
Everyone was staring at Yoo Joonghyuk for an answer - to give them the same hope Kim Dokja had. Lee Hyunsung was even shaking him by the shoulders.
“Yoo Jonghyuk-ssi! Please say something! Please!”
But Yoo Joonghyuk was not Kim Dokja. He did not know the future, and he was not the one who united these people. Damn you, Kim Dokja. Leaving this to me. He had a rare moment of gallow’s humor. Not that damning the dead is worth anything; they’re dead, after all.
“Yoo Jonghyuk-ssi!”
“Master!”
It’s strange though. Because of Kim Dokja, there were still this many people alive. Right now, Yoo Joonghyuk was not alone. He was among others, mourning the one person who brought them all this far. This was another first among all his regressions. There was nothing he could do for them, however. If there was any way to reach Kim Dokja and bring him back, Yoo Joonghyuk would’ve already done it. Or rather, if there was another way, then Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t know it. He hadn’t regressed enough to learn that information.
Everyone took the news in their own ways. Some were quiet while some cried out in rage and despair. Even the constellations themselves grieved, and many looked up at the skies as the indirect messages came pouring in. This was Kim Dokja’s effect on this world.
Yoo Joonghyuk briefly considered regressing but unexpectedly, Kim Dokja’s words appeared once again.
- Yoo Jonghyuk, wake up. Don’t think things will improve if you repeat them a few times.
- Thus, live this round properly.
- Don’t imagine that you will get better if you throw away this round. Maybe this is the round where you will see the end of this world as a ‘human.’
If he continued regressing, there was no guarantee that he could meet Kim Dokja again. After all, Kim Dokja wasn’t in either of the last regressions, and he did not appear in any other regression up to the 41st round. Kim Dokja was, quite literally, a once in a lifetime opportunity. A once in a lifetime companion.
So when the dokkaebi appeared and forced them to move, Yoo Joonghyuk could only become the person to step forward first and lead their companions to safety - away from Kim Dokja.
At the edge of the Seoul dome, there were around one thousand Incarnations. It was almost a 90% decrease from the 8th scenario that sacrificed Kim Dokja's 3rd life to clear. They looked to Yoo Joonghyuk, waiting to hear his words, not knowing who it was that truly saved them.
– Have you forgotten, Great Plotter?
– We wish for ‘death’.
– That regression turn will not succeed, anyway.
Death. That was the ardent wish of all Yoo Joonghyuk’s cursed with the fate of regression. The ‘Secretive Plotter’ existed solely for the sake of fulfilling that mission.
– It’s impossible to kill the ‘Most Ancient Dream’.
– As long as we are alive, we must regress again.
– Even if dying is impossible, what would it be like to get infinitely close to it?
It’s like math. For YJH, death is undefined. It does not exist. The end is the same as the beginning and the closer he gets to death, the closer he gets to restarting. Therefore, the most logical solution is to strive for the moment he gets as close to death – to regression – as possible; to reach a state infinitely close to death without touching that final point.
The limit as Yoo Joonghyuk approaches death is…?
The answer he chooses: eternal sleep.