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It was the days leading up to Zero day, and as a final saying to commit to their plan, Andre and Cal went on a mission to spend all their savings.
Andre didn’t have much, but Cal had been saving up to get his drivers license. When he started saving, he already knew he would never actually get it. He just liked having a goal, and he felt it would make their deaths more devastating if he had plans for his future.
The both of them had always loved thrift stores, mostly to see if they could find any military clothes. They’d stroll around them for hours, lost in the clutter of all the different kinds of things nobody had enough love for to keep.
Today was no different, the both of them had been in the store for around an hour. To pass the time, they had started grabbing random clothing items to fit them.
Stupid hats they would never be able to pull off, shirts with the mostly hideous quotes printed on them.
“..There is always light. If only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we we’re brave enough to be it.” Andre read from a t-shirt, snickering while he held it up to Cal.
“That one is perfect,” Cal said sarcastically, “You have to get it.”
Andre shrugged. “I might as well, not like we’ll wear any of these clothes anyway.”
Andre tossed it into the basket. The store was nearly empty, it was their own little paradise. It had that certain smell thrift shops always have, and it felt nostalgic to the both of them, making the sting of their upcoming plans a little worse.
They kept flipping through the racks of clothes, every now and then holding up the most ugly piece of clothing they could find. The basket was overflowing with corny items, anything that caught their eyes.
After seeing basically everything, they head over to the changing rooms. Well, the only changing room. The only thing separating it from the rest of the store being a thin, stained curtain, most likely donated too.
Cal moved the curtain aside, setting the basket down on the small table that creaked under it’s weight. He shuffled himself in and Andre waited outside, gently closing the curtain.
It was dimly lit and smelled like mildew. The both of them being in an unserious mood, huffed out a laugh from either side of the curtain.
“I don’t think anyone has been in here since the 1900’s.” Cal joked.
He was already sifting through the items they had grabbed.
“Should I film our little fashion show?” Andre offered, grabbing the camera from his bag. Cal’s nodding, not like Andre could see that, and hummed in agreement.
After a few minutes Calvin had changed into an outfit he had actually liked. It was baggy pants, cargo, with many pockets. Just enough, Cal thinks, but if it had been any more it would’ve looked ridiculous.
A wrinkly orange button up shirt over his army one, wrapping just too tightly around his pale arms.
He decided that as a final, he’d put on a black and white checkered ushanka they had found in the bin for hats. There was no mirror, but looking down at himself he knew he could get a reaction out of Andre this way.
“Ready? I don’t want to waste tape, so give me a heads up.”
“I’m ready.” Cal answered, the smile being audible in his voice. He waited a moment and slid the curtain aside.
Andre looked him up and down and let out a small snicker as Calvin turned to show the camera his entire outfit.
“It’s not fair.” Cal turned to him, a confused look on his face which Andre found adorable. “What isn’t?”
“You can pull off any outfit. It’s not fair, really. I’d look ridiculous wearing that. You could’ve been a model.”
Could’ve.
Cal smiles wider and strikes a pose, a very odd pose, for the camera, making them both cringe.
“Okay, enough. Hand me the camera and go change.” Cal said as he took the camera from Andre. They both felt good, like this was their first and final moment of actuality.
Andre shuffled into the small changing room and started sifting through the clothes, just like Calvin had. His eyes landed on a sweater, which probably belonged to a grandpa that was long gone now.
He took his shirt off and changed into it, immediately noticing how itchy it was. It was a thin wool, the sweater way too big for Andre. It showed off his collarbones through the loose collar.
He sighed and now looked for something to wear as the last part of this outfit. His eyes got stuck on a small item.
“…Dude, when did you even grab this? Why?” Cal burst out laughing, immediately knowing what Andre meant. It was a small denim skirt, which could nearly pass off as a belt. “Come on, you want to wear it. I know you do.”
“In your dreams! You were really expecting me to do this?” Andre is smiling to himself, it would be funny. They were both being impulsive already, so it shouldn’t be hard to convince him, Cal thought to himself.
“Come on, I won’t film it! I promise!”
Andre kicks off his combat boots, it had been long since he had cared about the condition of those, and unbuckled his belt with a huge sigh. But the grin on both their faces was wide and clear.
In his head, he blames his stupid soft spot for Cal for this.
The skirt, surprisingly, fit pretty well. Andre was still wearing his boxers under them, luckily the skirt was at least long enough to cover up anything he didn’t want the whole thrift store to see.
He decided to put his combat boots back on, and as final edition he grabbed a few bracelets the both of them had picked out.
He bit his lip before asking the most important question.
“Is anyone around?”
“No, you’re good. Come on, let me see.” Cal replied impatiently.
“I look ridiculous.” Andre’s embarrassment was settling in. Ever since someone at school made fun of his oh so dear JC Penney shirt, he had been hyperaware of anything he put on.
“Come on, it’s supposed to look ridiculous. I look stupid too.” It was enough to convince Andre to turn the curtain aside. His legs made him feel extremely exposed all of a sudden.
Calvin didn’t say anything, it almost seemed like he wasn’t even breathing as he looked Andre up and down. Andre stood there, awkwardly looking back at him.
“..Do I do a turn too?” He finally mumbled, the reality of what he’s wearing really setting in. Andre had always found himself extremely masculine, so this was a huge switch.
Cal nodded, not answering him vocally. It made the air feel thick and suffocating, and instead of breathing it felt like Andre was taking gulps.
He slowly turned, feeling Cal’s eyes on him as he did so. After spinning fully, he looked back at the blonde to notice not much else than a weird look in his eyes.
“You gonna say anything or..?”
Cal wanted to spit it out, but instead he bit his tongue. He thought Andre looked, in the easiest way to put it, beautiful. Like they were two sides of a magnet, he wanted to to be close to him.
He didn’t want a hug, he wanted to swallow Andre’s existence whole. He wish it was a liquid so he could submerge himself in it. He wanted every part of the boys soul, fully.
“..It’s fine.”
“Fine?” Fine wasn’t good to Andre. It was supposed to be funny, not this horribly humiliating. Not fine.
“Good, even.” He studied Cal’s eyes again and it started clicking that it wasn’t a look of judgment. Andre’s heart felt like it had a weight lifted off of it. He knew Calvin Gabriel like nobody else did. And even then, this was new. Different. Like a tension that the both of them could take as a substance. That would never be enough.
“Mh, what do you mean by that?” Calvin awkwardly looked off to the side, chuckling to try to cover up his emotions like he often did. “It suits you, I guess.” He shrugged.
Andre felt so vulnerable, in the most desperate way he would never even be able to put into words. He wanted Cal to look. He wanted Cal to see him.
Cal felt, if you were to ask him, orange. Specifically like the color orange, warm and humidly washed over him.
It snowed in his mind that this will be the first and last time that he’ll see Andre Kriegman like this. His boy, Andre, willing to stand here wearing this, just for him. More beautiful than any girl he had ever laid his eyes upon.
He had never expected himself to feel this. Calvin had long excepted that he would die without feeling true love for a girl. But now, this love was for the only temporary girl he could ever want.
Andre grabbed Cal’s face without thinking about it, something he had never done before. It was like jumping into a cold body of water after spending your whole life in the sun. He turned Cal’s face back to him, pretty clumsy as his hands trembled against the blonde’s face.
Calvin seemed swooned over, a look of adoration as his eyes switched over Andre again. He wanted to forget about Zero day, about Rachel, about anyone he had ever muttered a word to. He wanted this to be his only moment, his final moment. He wanted to die right on the spot and remember Andre as his angel.
The moment was warm, nearly enough to forget the lingering existence of their upcoming deaths.
Andre pulled away slightly, running his hand off of Cal’s face, seeming saddened that he broke the contact. He grabbed the camera from the boys hand, and switched it on.
He pointed it at Calvin. He needed this moment engraved in the tapes, he wanted people to remember his best friend how he was right now. Right now, which was all that mattered for those few moments.
A pity she does not exist, a shame he’s not a fag. The only girl Cal ever loved was Andre in drag.