Work Text:
‘I can’t believe this is the last time we’ll be visiting this shrine together, Iwa-chan.’
‘What are you talking about?’
‘I mean, tomorrow we’ll be getting on trains to different cities! We’re going to spend four years at different universities! Apart from each other!’
‘That doesn’t mean we won’t see each other ever again, Trashykawa.’ Iwaizumi huffs, pulling his scarf further up to cover more of his face. ‘We’ll come back during the holidays. And we can… you can visit me.’
Iwaizumi isn’t looking at Oikawa, so Oikawa catches the tenderness not in Iwaizumi’s expression, but in his words. It is four in the afternoon on the last Sunday in March, and he and Iwaizumi are making their way to Osaki Hachiman Shrine. It had been their custom since making first string for the volleyball team, to pray for victory at this shrine, in both club activities and academics. Now that a new chapter of their lives is upon them, it seems fitting to make one last visit together, to ask for blessings together before leaving their childhoods behind.
The next time they’re back in Sendai, they’ll be closer to adulthood. But for now, Oikawa tilts his head and smirks at Iwaizumi, sing-songing, ‘Oh, Iwa-chan, what’s this? Will you miss me? Of course I, the great Oikawa-san, will be happy to grace your dorm room with my presence! We can even watch Parasyte together! Or Sailor Moon!’
Lost in his own teasing monologue, Oikawa doesn’t notice that Iwaizumi has gone ahead. He gasps dramatically, holding his hand to his mouth and widening his eyes comically, and continues, ‘Oh, but what will we do if your roommate comes back and sees you watching anime? What if you get a girlfriend and she discovers that you’re a nerd?’ Oikawa barely finishes this last sentence before he’s hit in the face with a cold burst of snow.
Iwaizumi is looking down at Oikawa from the top of the shrine steps, lightly throwing a snowball up and down in his right hand. Oikawa’s mouth forms a round ‘o’ of shock. This time, it’s Iwaizumi’s turn to smirk. He shouts, ‘You’re the nerd!’ And then Oikawa is trying to dash up the frosty steps whilst gathering snow to throw back at Iwaizumi.
The snowball fight lasts long enough for Oikawa to make up for several snowballs to the face by dumping snow down Iwaizumi’s back. Whilst Iwaizumi is shaking the snow from his coat, Oikawa stretches looks up at the sky, streaked blood-red as the sun sets. He brushes the snow off the top of a komainu’s head. ‘It’s strange, isn’t it?'
‘What is?’
‘The weather. It’s been oddly cold. And there’s usually no more snow this close to April.’
Iwaizumi shrugs. ‘Global warming, I guess.’
Just then, Oikawa’s phone beeps. He grins at the notification. ‘Iwa-chan! Get over here!’
Iwaizumi pads over to Oikawa, eyeing his phone warily. ‘What do you have on your phone? It’s not one of your weird music videos, is it?’
‘I’ll have you know that Kyary is art, and anyway, Iwa-chan, you enjoy those videos as much as I do. But nevermind that, look!’
Iwaizumi peers at the screen, scowling. ‘Ni…ca…ea? A dead face delivery site? What is this, Oikawa?’
‘One of the girls in my class set this up for me. Apparently it sends you fake cartoony clips of your friends dying. It’s very popular now!’
‘That doesn’t sound very auspicious,’ Iwaizumi throws a glance around the shrine grounds and swallows nervously, but looks on as Oikawa opens the video.
The setting is familiar – Iwaizumi’s and Oikawa’s eyes both flick up briefly to take in the distinctive black and gold of the shrine, before turning their attention back to the video. The grainy quality is hard to make out, but Oikawa thinks he sees a gold and white pillar emerge from the ground in front of the main hall, and next to it…
He glances at Iwaizumi, who has gone silent and very, very pale. Oikawa looks back at the screen and can see why – even with the video’s grainy quality, the figure sprawled next to the pillar is obviously Iwaizumi, red seeping into his mint and white scarf and beanie.
The video ends, and after a brief moment Iwaizumi clears his throat turns away. ‘Oikawa…’ He’s looking back at the exit.
‘Yeah, Iwa-chan. I know.’ Oikawa had expected Nicaea to be tacky and silly; stick figures with the barest resemblance to his friends hitting each other with scrawled swords. That the video was set right where he and Iwaizumi are, the figure wearing Iwaizumi’s clothes – the uncanniness is extremely unsettling.
Oikawa walks towards Iwaizumi, who is already making for the steps. It’s a bit of a shame, to come all the way and not get to pray or buy omikuji, but like Iwaizumi had said, it’s not like they won’t be coming back to Sendai.
But then the ground beneath Oikawa’s feet trembles violently. He stumbles, and as he falls to the floor, he hears explosions around him, and Iwaizumi’s panicked shouts, and then –
--
How many days has it been since Sunday?
Trudging through the streets of Sendai, his feet crunching on the rubble and the ash catching in his hair, Oikawa’s stupor is reminiscent of a sleepwalker’s.
It is difficult to know what exactly had happened when all of it seems so improbable and fantastical, but that doesn’t stop Oikawa from replaying what he remembers over and over again in his mind. In civics lessons, Oikawa’s class had discussed so many cases in which someone had been convicted with the barest of evidence and testimony. ‘It’s a pity,’ Oikawa had thought then, ‘but it can’t be helped.’ Now, it is a similar offhandedness that Oikawa is punishing himself with. He only knows the barest gist of what had happened; of what is happening in Sendai right now. But that is enough.
He remembers Iwaizumi dashing towards him, dragging him up and away from the steps. Iwaizumi was shouting incoherently about monsters as he tried to get himself and Oikawa deeper into the shrine grounds. Everything around them was shaking – the stonework of the pavement was being thrown up, the ema were clattering violently against one another, and the roofs of the shrine buildings were trembling precariously.
There was a loud whooshing sound behind them, and they’d both snapped around to look – in front of the main hall was the gold and white pillar from the video. In the present, Oikawa felt the blood drain from his face whilst his heart sank, as it had then. ‘Iwa-chan, don’t… don’t go near that.’ Oikawa pleaded. Iwaizumi’s face had paled as well, but when he turned away from the pillar, his eyes had widened in shock, before his expression hardened into something unreadable. Oikawa turned to look at what Iwaizumi had seen, and…
Making their way slowly towards Oikawa and Iwaizumi were droves of creatures – Iwaizumi’s shouting about monsters now made perfect sense. Most were bipedal, but they barely resembled any sort of human. Some were brown with pointy ears like a fox with sharp teeth bared in a snarl, dressed in yellow chest armour and green loincloths and holding a sort of metal bat menacingly. Others were green with dark hair, brandishing cleavers and wearing necklaces made of skulls. Yet still more appeared small and feminine with red hair, dressed in blue leotards and giggling as they flew. Some were in gold pots, blue heads with bug-like red eyes peering haughtily at Oikawa and Iwaizumi.
As the monsters approached them, Oikawa and Iwaizumi found themselves backing up closer and closer towards the gold and white pillar. ‘Iwa-chan,’ Oikawa had muttered, dismayed, gripping his phone and wondering if there was time to make a call. Iwaizumi hadn’t replied, only squeezed Oikawa’s hand briefly before moving such that his back was pressed against Oikawa’s. Then all hell broke loose.
The monsters launched themselves at Oikawa and Iwaizumi, screeching and snarling. Oikawa had been knocked off his feet, and then everything around him had gone dark. There was a faint glow of light in the distance, and he’d reached out to it. It was his phone, and on the screen was Tico, perky in her bunny suit, smirking at him. ‘Welllll? What’s it gonna be? Like, do you wanna live?’ Oikawa remembered the shrine, then, and looked around in a panic – Iwaizumi wasn’t with him. He turned to Tico, who was looking at him expectantly, and choked out desperately, yes.
Then he was on his back, looking at the black and gold of the shrine hall stark against the blood-red sky. When he sat up, coughing from the dust and dirt that had been thrown up from the impact, he saw that his phone was glowing, and there was a spiral of blue light curling around his right hand. Before him stood a silver-haired man dressed in teal armour and wielding a spear, locking weapons with one of the brown creatures. They struggled against each other for a moment, before the man stepped backwards, twisting out of the way and deftly spinning round to stab the creature through the chest as it stumbled forward, thrown off balance. The creature gave an ungodly shriek and Oikawa winced, covering his ears as he watched the creature’s body disintegrate into ash.
The silver-haired man then turned to Oikawa, regarding him coolly. ‘I am Tam Lin, the faerie knight. So you have summoned me, so I am yours to command.’ Oikawa could see himself reflected in Tam Lin’s well-polished teal armour – his hair was disheveled and there was blood trickling from his forehead. And behind Tam Lin was the main hall and the pillar, and at the foot of the pillar was…
‘Hajime!’ Oikawa screamed, scrambling to his feet and rushing towards the pillar. He could feel Tam Lin grasping his shoulder when he dashed past, but he shook the hand off, turning briefly to Tam Lin and gasping, ‘Fight! Win!’ before scrabbling towards Iwaizumi. He dropped to his knees and carefully held his hand up to Iwaizumi’s nose, sighing in relief when he felt Iwaizumi’s exhalation on his hand and saw the telltale puffs of cold breath forming in the air in front of him.
It took Oikawa nearly a minute of shaking and shouting ‘Hajime!’ repeatedly before Iwaizumi opened his eyes, blinking slowly in confusion. ‘Hajime, you’re alive, I’m so glad, let’s get you away from this pill-‘
‘Oikawa.’ Oikawa had been so relieved that Iwaizumi had opened his eyes that he continued to babble, not realizing that Iwaizumi was speaking to him. Iwaizumi drew in a breath, and then said, firmly, ‘Tooru.’ The weight of the rarely-spoken syllables punctured the air, far louder to Oikawa than the explosions had been. Oikawa fell silent, looking Iwaizumi in the eye. Iwaizumi held his gaze, and said quietly, ‘Tooru, I – I can’t feel my legs.’
Oikawa had laughed nervously, blood pounding in his ears. ‘Iwa-chan, what are you saying? Come now, let’s get you out of h-'
‘I’m serious, Oikawa.’ Iwaizumi closed his eyes and leaned his head against the pillar. Oikawa glanced down at Iwaizumi’s body, and pressed his hand to his mouth to keep from shrieking. Iwaizumi’s legs were twisted at an odd angle, and there was something greyish-yellow streaked in red jutting out from a tear in his jean’s right knee area – broken bone. Oikawa didn’t need to examine the growing dark spot seeping across the fabric to know that it was blood.
Keeping his eyes closed, Iwaizumi continued to speak in an even tone. ‘Oikawa. You can still move, can’t you? I want you to leave me behind.’ At this, Oikawa had snapped his head up to look at Iwaizumi. He had opened his eyes, and he was staring firmly back, his gaze brooking no argument. ‘If you go through the forest, you can probably make it out without them noticing.’ He gestured at the monsters still fighting Tam Lin. Tam Lin was still holding strong, though the swiftness of his movements was flagging. ‘It won’t be long before the thing you summoned gives out. They aren’t really interested in humans, anyway.’ At Oikawa’s quizzical expression, he jerked his head at the main hall. ‘It’s the kami in the shrine. They’re trying to destroy his container so he won’t be able to manifest and protect the city.’
Hearing this, Oikawa stood up and brushed the dust off his coat. Then he examined his phone. 81% battery, and the Nicaea app was flashing. He opened it, and started scrolling through its contents. Demon auction, choose party, summoning app. Whilst he fiddled with the app, he could hear Iwaizumi shouting at him, asking why he wasn’t getting his ass out of there yet. Oikawa held his hand up and continued to read and think. Then, he turned to Iwaizumi.
‘I’m not going to just run away and leave you behind, Iwa-chan.’ When Iwaizumi started to protest, he continued, ‘I’m not running away. If I leave, and the demons manage to destroy the shrine, who will protect the city? I’m staying, and then we’ll get you some medical help. But for now, I’m fighting.’ With that, he powered up the app, and a pixie materialized on his left, and an Erthys on his right. The pixie giggled and did a flip in the air, before a soft glow enveloped Iwaizumi. ‘I’m using a healing spell on you, Iwa-chan, you can thank me later.’ Oikawa hadn’t looked back as he said this, just kept his eyes forward as he stalked towards the clash of demons.
On hindsight it had certainly been too easy, how Oikawa had managed to defeat demon after demon, dodging spells and blows whilst Pixie and Erthys dished out their own. He’d been so caught up in the fight that he hadn’t noticed someone shouting his name or what was happening behind him until it was too late.
A burst of golden light had suddenly illuminated the area, and the demons had started shielding their eyes and flailing. Oikawa took the opportunity to dispense with a few more of them, before turning back to see what had happened.
The pillar was shining bright, with what seemed like a lever sticking out of it. Iwaizumi was still next to the pillar, but there was a pool of blood under him, and he was reaching up to the lever and grasping it firmly-
‘Hajime, no!’ Oikawa had made to run back to where Iwaizumi was, but found himself having to dodge the slash of an ogre’s cleaver. And then his party was surrounded, and Oikawa could see more demons crawling in from the surrounding forest. Oikawa had tried to fight his way towards Iwaizumi, but the desperation made him clumsy, and several times he was knocked to his feet.
‘Hajime!’ Oikawa had screamed, just as someone shouted ‘Oikawa!’ He had turned, and there at the steps, fighting his way past demons with two of his own, was Ushijima.
If they were meeting under normal circumstances, Oikawa would have thrown his head back and laughed, before composing himself and sneering at Ushijima, asking what the great Ushiwaka-chan was doing at a shrine for mere mortals. The last time they met, they had parted on undeniably bad terms, Oikawa glaring down Ushijima as he told him not to underestimate his ‘worthless pride’.
But being surrounded by demons whilst more and more were approaching was extremely far from normal, and Oikawa couldn’t even be annoyed at the relief he felt at Ushijima’s arrival with two demons. There was a life at stake, after all. He turned away from Ushijima to concentrate on breaking a path to Iwaizumi…
Who was pulling the lever down, brow knotted in concentration as he did so. A shrill sound tore through the air whilst Iwaizumi struggled to pull the lever all the way down, and stopped with a clicking sound once it was in place. Then the ground began to shake again, and the top of the pillar started crumbling, revealing a glowing golden humanoid face behind it. Then two glowing red-gold arms burst out of the pillar, and the glowing red-gold humanoid creature started to extricate itself from the pillar. Oikawa tore his gaze away from the creature to look at Iwaizumi, who was gazing up at the pillar, fascinated. He turned to Oikawa and, catching his gaze, gave a small nod, smiling serenely. This expression had brought comfort to Oikawa many a time over the years, from when they had gotten lost in the forest as children whilst searching for bugs together, to when Iwaizumi had rushed to the gym in the middle of the night to find Oikawa lying on the floor, unable to get up because of his knee. In any other scenario, Oikawa would have trusted that nod and smile, but as he watched the creature from the pillar, now clad in white robes and seemingly floating on clouds drift down to Iwaizumi, all Oikawa wanted to do was scream.
‘I am Iwaizumi Hajime. Please, Hachiman-sama, lend us your strength.’ Iwaizumi said solemnly, inclining his head as far as he could. Then there had been another burst of light, and suddenly Iwaizumi’s torso was falling, falling, and some sort of bluish gold light was pouring forth from Iwaizumi’s eyes into Hachiman’s torso. The last thing Oikawa remembers clearly is the cold that had crept up his spine when the light connecting Iwaizumi and Hachiman had stopped, and Hachiman had turned towards Oikawa, and Oikawa saw that he was now wearing Iwaizumi’s face.
It’s all a blur, after that. Oikawa isn’t sure how, but he thinks he somehow managed to get to Iwaizumi’s side, right before Iwaizumi passes on. That must be real, because he remembers Iwaizumi’s eyes looking straight at the sky, already starting to go dull. Be strong, Tooru, are the last words he says before going still, a rock settling to the bottom of the river with a soft thud of finality.
He vaguely recalls some mysterious people dressed in black uniforms lined in yellow appearing some time after Ushijima had finished fighting the demons. They had spoken to Ushijima in hushed tones, and then Ushijima had gone up to Oikawa, kneeling down beside him and Iwaizumi’s body.
‘Oikawa. These people are part of the government. They would like our cooperation as demon tamers. We will be housed, fed, clothed, in exchange for helping them with operations.'
Oikawa doesn’t remember what he had said in reply, but he feels a flush of shame spread through his body. Ushijima had grabbed him, and said, ‘Oikawa. Dispense of your pride for a second. Think of what is best for you. Think of what Iwaizumi would want. Hachiman – he released it to keep you safe. He was right to tell you to be strong. Only the strong survive.’
Oikawa knew then and now that the sensible choice would be to go with Ushijima and the government agents. Demons had appeared in Sendai, and they were capable of attacking in groups. But the shock of losing his best friend had knocked the good sense out of him, and he’d resisted. He’d lost his temper, shouting all manner of illogicalities at Ushijima before running off.
A day has passed since then, or two, and Oikawa has spent his time wandering Sendai, trying to find his friends and family. Every house he’s stopped by had been empty or destroyed, and the scent of iron and rot now hangs heavier in the air than it had when Oikawa had first started walking. Oikawa hopes that the absence of familiar faces and lack of death clips meant that his loved ones were safe.
Oikawa’s mind drifts to Iwaizumi again, and his heart starts to hurt. Why hadn’t the healing worked? Why had Iwaizumi continued to bleed out? Did it have something to do with Nicaea? Iwaizumi hadn’t known about the app, and so wouldn’t have had it on his phone. Was that why he didn’t summon any demons of his own?
Oikawa shakes his head vigorously, trying to keep himself from dwelling. But the same voice whispers in his head over and over again, ‘It’s a pity. That you couldn’t help.’
--
Most of the city has become unrecognizable, but Oikawa thinks his current surroundings look familiar. He peers at a fallen, charred and twisted signboard. Aoba-ku, 4-Chome Hachiman. He’s near the place it all started, he realizes with a jolt. I wonder what happened to Ushijima, he finds himself thinking.
He’s starting to get hungry, so he wanders into a convenience store and browses the shelves. The power is completely out, but that hardly matters because the glass entrance is broken, and cold air is freely making its way into the store, keeping the items in the fridges and on shelves cold. Oikawa picks out a few milk breads and an energy drink, and places a 500-yen coin on the counter before leaving.
He sits down on a bench outside facing the shrine park, and digs in. Did Ushijima join up with the government agents? Is he safe? Oikawa can’t say that he and Ushijima ever got along, but he doesn’t wish for Ushijima to be dead - especially not at the hands of bloodthirsty demons. Nobody deserves that.
Suddenly, a beep interrupts Oikawa’s thoughtful chewing. It’s his phone. Oikawa scrambles to get it out of his pocket, excited. The phone signals have been out for ages, and he’s been hoping that they’ll come back on soon. He manages to fish it out, and looks at the screen. 50% battery, and there’s a message, but it isn’t from the service provider.
It’s from Nicaea.
Oikawa’s palms start to sweat, even though he’s sitting down and the temperature is probably in the negatives, with snow to boot. Trembling, he clicks on the message and watches the video that plays on the screen.
When it finishes, he stuffs the rest of his bread into his pockets and drains his energy drink. Then, he sets off running in the direction of the shrine.
--
He finds Ushijima not far from the shrine’s main hall; sprawled under a tree, blood trickling from a wound on his forehead and the long, gaping scar running down his face. Oikawa takes out his phone and opens the Demon Summoning App, and soon Kikuri-Hime has materialized and is casting Affection on Ushijima’s party, bathing Ushijima and the area around him in a comforting shower of warm, golden light. Oikawa doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath, until he sighs in relief at Ushijima’s wounds sealing shut.
Ushijima opens his eyes and blinks several times, looking more confused than Oikawa could ever imagine him being. ‘Why does it smell like chrysanthemums, Oikawa?’
‘Be glad it’s not because we’re at your funeral, Ushiwaka-chan. What happened? I thought you went along with those government agents?’
Ushijima’s countenance is back to its usual stoic, placid stillness. ‘I thought about what you said,’ he begins calmly, and Oikawa freezes. He can’t even remember what he’d said, but whatever it was it was probably embarrassing; the anguished ravings of someone barely able to comprehend and accept what he had lost. He can hardly believe that Ushijima had taken his words seriously, except – looking at Ushijima now, his dark eyes looking at him intently, sincerely – he can.
‘After you ran off, I asked the agents if I could have until Tuesday evening to look for my family, and for you.’ Oikawa gapes at him, but Ushijima continues, ‘You were right. I was strong, but I was selfish. Indelicate.’ Ushijima sighs deeply. ‘I couldn’t find my family, but I didn’t receive any of their death clips. But then…’
‘You received a death clip of me?’
‘Yes. The second one.’ Ushijima pauses and frowns. ‘I must apologise for the misunderstanding, Oikawa. I was not intending to imply that Iwaizumi was weak. I meant ‘only the strong survive’ in the sense that it was senseless for you to stay by his body, doing nothing. In hindsight, I think I could have phrased that better.’
He is silent for a moment, before adding, ‘I also apologise for not arriving here sooner on Sunday. I wasn’t sure if I believed what was on the screen… You, being sliced to pieces by demons. If I had arrived earlier, perhaps Iwaizumi…’ he trails off, leaving the end of the sentence in the air, incomplete.
Oikawa throws his head back and laughs to dispel the awkward tension hanging in the air. ‘You’re sorry, are you, Ushiwaka-chan? Well, how are you going to make it up to me?’
‘Could you open your demon summoning app?’ What, Oikawa thinks, unsure if he’s shocked or impressed that Ushijima has actually thought of a way to make it up to him, and has it to hand. He opens the app and hands his phone to Ushijima, who has taken his own phone out and is now rapidly pressing buttons. After a few moments, Ushijima hands Oikawa’s phone back. Oikawa takes it gingerly, wondering what Ushijima has done. ‘Check your demon inventory,’ Ushijima tells him. Oikawa looks in the folder and sees ‘new’ flashing at the top, before he sees the new demon in his phone. He clicks on the demon’s profile and description, skims it quickly, before looking up at Ushijima.
‘Ushiwaka-chan, this is…’
‘Norn, the keepers of fate and destiny. I thought that maybe, if you ran into Hachiman again, maybe Norn could help, with. With Iwaizumi…’
Oikawa is speechless for a second. For years he had thought that Ushijima was callous, cold, and unapproachable, but here they were in a forest, a demon apocalypse finally helping Oikawa realize that deep down, Ushijima was sincere, even sweet, but really just terrible with words.
Suddenly, something in Oikawa’s mind clicked. ‘Ushiwaka-chan, could you show me your Nicaea app?’ Wordlessly, Ushijima hands his phone over, and Oikawa plays both the death clips. Iwaizumi is absent in the first one, which is odd because he’d been in the death clip Oikawa had received, and also, he’d been there. Oikawa opens Nicaea on his phone and shows Ushijima the death clip he’d received. ‘What do you make of this? Iwaizumi was in my death clip, but only I was in yours, when it should have been us both.’
Ushijima is silent for a long time, before looking Oikawa steadily in the eye as he replies. ‘When he set the app up for me, Tendou said that you only receive death clips of friends. People important to you.’ Oikawa eyes are wide as he gapes at Ushijima, unsure if he can believe what he just heard. ‘I’ve always held you in high regard, Oikawa.’
Oikawa is pretty sure he’s blushing – his face feels hot and his pulse feels like it’s going a mile a minute. Ushijima’s cheeks are also slightly tinged with red. Oikawa could convince himself that it’s just from the cold air. To distract himself, he turns his attention back to Ushijima’s phone, opening the second death clip.
What he sees makes his hairs stand on end as he gets up, scanning the area around them quickly. No sign of the demon wearing Iwaizumi’s face, but it could just be very good at hiding. ‘Ushijima, can you stand?’ He reaches a hand out and Ushijima takes it, and Oikawa pulls him to his feet. ‘We’re not out of the woods yet. This time, we fight together.’ Oikawa pulls up the demon summoning app on his phone. 40% battery. Norn materializes on his right, and Kikuri-Hime on his left. Ushijima has two monstrous indigo crows with glowing green eyes flanking him. Together, they walk back onto the path, and stop in their tracks. Demons are positioned at the exit of the shrine, and there are several more groups scattered across the shrine grounds, and in front of the main hall, floating against the crumbled pillar – Hachiman, still wearing Iwaizumi’s face.
Oikawa grits his teeth and steels himself. ‘Ushijima, are you ready?’ Ushijima nods. Oikawa slaps Ushijima’s broad back, and for the first time, its presence doesn’t make him feel small. It makes him feel reassured, to know that he is fighting alongside, not against, Ushijima. Ushijima offers Oikawa a small smile, and Oikawa feels his stomach flip-flop, not unpleasantly. Well.
‘Well then!’ Oikawa raises his arm, the blue spiral from his phone already making its way up his arm. Ushijima follows suit. Oikawa smirks, and he feels a rush of adrenaline flow through his body, not unlike what he is used to feeling before volleyball matches. ‘Let’s survive.’