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“Why exactly are you here on my doorstep at god only knows what awful time of night it is?”
“It’s Louis,” Harry looks as if he’s going to burst out in tears right there on his doorstep and Liam can’t let that happen. His neighbors surely wouldn’t appreciate that.
Liam steps aside and opens the door wider to let him in. “I figured,” he rolls his eyes when his back his turned and he’s leading him into the kitchen. “You alright? Want some tea or something?”
“I’d rather a beer,” Harry shrugs and wraps his arms around his torso in an attempt to warm himself up.
“Yeah, well, you’re seventeen and I’m not Louis.” Liam says while pouring out two glasses of water. He hands one to Harry who sits down at the kitchen table and he sits across from him. “So what’s up?”
Harry sits silently and stares down into his glass. Liam thinks he looks a bit like a sullen woodland creature and he wonders if that’s what people think he looks like when he’s upset.
“Hey, it’s not that I don’t like you Harry, but,” he takes a sip of his water, “you know Louis isn’t here right? And I have class tomorrow plus an early shift at the library and—”
“I love him,” Harry cuts him off and Liam nearly chokes on his water.
“What?”
“I love him,” Harry repeats. “I’m in love with Louis.”
“Yeah, I heard you the first time Harry,” Liam shakes his head, “but Louis, you know… I mean he doesn’t do boyfriends.”
Harry visibly tenses and Liam already regrets saying it. “He does me.”
“Yeah, but you and I both know you’re different,” Liam stands and takes both of their cups to the sink. “Louis, he doesn’t believe in love. He doesn’t love anyone.”
“He loves you,” Harry says, not half as bitterly as Liam would expect him to.
“Yeah, well, that’s different too.” Liam clenches and unclenches his fists in the sink before turning back around to face Harry.
“And you love him.”
“And you’ve been talking to Niall too much.” Liam sighs and turns to face him, his back pressed against the sink. “Look Harry, it’s late, and it’s a school night. You should go home, get some rest.”
Harry shakes his head as if he’s going to protest, but decides not to. “Do you know where he is?”
“No,” Liam lies. He knows everything about Louis inside and out and he knows where Louis would go if he was upset.
“He hasn’t answered his phone all day,” Harry goes on. “I haven’t seen him since Sunday.”
Liam nods, he gets it, he really does, but it’s both too late at night and too early in the morning for him to try to deal with Harry and Louis’ shit right now. “That sounds about right.”
“Is that it?” Harry snaps. “You don’t know where he is or what the fuck he’s doing or if he’s even alive and you’re okay with that?”
“Do you think I’ve not sat up worried sick about him every night since he’s left?” Liam spits. “You’ve known him for what, a couple of months and you think you care more about him than I do? Because you don’t. No one cares more about him than I do.”
Harry jumps up and points at him over the table, “Then how about you fucking act like it?” he grits his teeth and Liam realizes he’s never seen him this angry before and never wants to see him like this again.
“Go home Harry,” he breathes out in a huff and leaves him standing in the kitchen. When he hears Harry stomp out and slam the door behind him he fishes through his closet until he finds a worn pair of Converse and slips them on his feet without socks and smiles to himself because Louis would be proud.
He pulls a coat on and heads out the door into the chilly December air. It’s not a long walk, it’s long enough though until he gets there.
It’s dark and the grass is wet, but Liam doesn’t really mind. He finds Louis sat in the middle of the football field where they went to high school, head buried in his hands.
“You came,” Louis says without looking up and Liam feels like this is going to become a regular thing between them.
“You knew I would,” Liam sits down next to him in the wet grass and can already feel his pajama pants soaking through.
Louis doesn’t reply but they both hear words like reliable and predictable floating around in the air around them. They sit shoulder to shoulder facing the bleachers in silence until Liam can’t take it anymore.
‘Where have you been?’ he wants to ask but doesn’t. Instead he starts with, “What is it then?”
“My dad,” Louis sighs, “the twat.”
Liam knows how much Louis hates to talk about his biological father. He left him and his mother when he was young and only calls when he needs something and Louis, ever the doting son, always answers his every beck and call. “What’d he do now?”
“He died,” Louis says, his voice barely above a whisper. “The fucker went and died… and right before my birthday too.”
Liam wraps an arm around his shoulder and presses his face into his neck. “Oh my god, Lou, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Liam can feel Louis’ throat tighten up as he says it.
“He’s your dad, Louis.”
“No, he was my dad. My dad left me and my mum high and dry to rot in fucking England while he flew off to America and got remarried and started being dad to someone else’s kids.” Louis tilts his head up and sucks in a much needed breath. “I hate him. I’m glad he’s dead.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Don’t tell me what I mean.” Louis quips. “Of course I fucking meant it otherwise I wouldn’t have said it.”
“You’re upset,” Liam thumbs at the sleeve of his shirt.
“I’m fucking upset because he dies and they want me to fly out to fucking America and plan his goddamn funeral on my birthday. Fuck him, the selfish prick, I will do no such thing.”
“Louis,” he tries but Louis isn’t having any of it.
“No.”
He lets that settle and figures that’s a fight for another day. “Harry’s worried about you.”
Louis tilts his head until his cheek is resting on Liam’s head. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Liam noses at his neck just so he doesn’t have to look at him. “He came by the flat earlier.”
“Annoying little shit, isn’t he?” Louis laughs.
“He said he’s in love with you.”
“I already knew that,” Louis sighs and Liam stops breathing. “It’s obvious, really.”
“So are you—”
“You know that you’re the only guy for me, Liam.” Louis grins.
“Louis,” he tries not to whine, but it’s hard not to when he’s dealing with someone like Louis. “I’m being serious here.”
“And so am I,” Louis says and takes Liam’s head in each of his hands. “I love you Li, you know I do.”
“Yeah and I love you too, but,” he closes his eyes, “Harry.”
“Look, forget about Harry,” Louis chides. “I had you before Harry came along and I’ll have you after he’s long gone.”
He pulls him forward into a kiss and Liam melts into it against his own will. There’s a pang of guilt deep in his chest and he thinks maybe this is betraying Harry, but he pushes it away and allows Louis to wrap his arms around him.
“How did you know I was here?” Louis asks when he pulls away “How’d you know where to find me?” he leans their foreheads together.
Louis always asks this even though they both know how Liam knows. He’s been going here every time he’s upset since they’ve met. He was captain of their football team back in high school and he was felt like he was most at peace on the field.
Liam had first found him there his freshman year when Louis’ mum had thought about selling the house and he’d needed to get away. It became something like a routine after that and Liam always knew where to find him, no matter what the weather was.
“You’re my best mate,” he tells Louis. “I’ll always know where to find you.”
-
“I want to throw him a surprise party,” Harry tells them from their regular booth at the diner and no one’s too sure when Louis, Liam, Zayn and Niall’s booth also included Harry but no one mentions it either.
“Good luck with that,” Zayn mumbles into his chicken sub and Harry cocks an eyebrow at him.
“What he means by that is, Louis is pretty much impossible to surprise.” Liam explains and shoots Niall a warning glance when he tries to steal a chip off his plate when he thinks he isn’t paying attention.
Louis had to work late and is still on his way over so the four of them are alone and Harry’s getting fidgety. “No one is impossible to surprise,” he crosses, then uncrosses, and recrosses his arms on the table.
“Except Louis,” Niall adds. “I know from first hand experience, there’s no way of keeping anything away from him, ever.”
“Who would you even invite to your little birthday bash?” Zayn asks. “You hardly even know his friends.”
“I know you lot,” he gestures, “and like, you all know people, right?”
“I know lots of people,” Niall winks.
“Where do you plan on throwing it, then?” Zayn continues to prod at him. “Your mummys house?”
“Zayn,” Liam warns. “Look, the thought behind it is great and all, but Louis doesn’t even like celebrating his birthday which is just as well because he won’t even be in town for his birthday this year.”
“Where’s he off to now?” Zayn rolls his eyes. “Paris? Amsterdam? The fucking Bermuda Triangle?”
Liam sighs and he feels like he’s already said too much but goes on anyway,“America.”
“Ooohh America,” Zayn and Niall say in union.
“Is this for business or pleasure?” Harry asks.
“A bit of both if I’m lucky,” Louis plops down next to Harry and pinches his cheek. “That is, if I even go.”
“What do you mean if you even go?” Liam gasps. “You have to go!”
“I don’t have to do anything but stay gay and die.” Louis snips.
“But Louis your dad,” Liam tries.
“I don’t owe him anything I’ll do as I please!” He slams a hand down on the table causing all of the cutlery to jump and earns a glare from Niall. “And if I wanna stay home and fuck young Harold here til I’m old gray then I will.”
“As much as I’d like that,” Harry grins and leans into Louis’ hand that is threading through his fringe, “you should go. Your dad needs you.”
“I can’t be of much help to a dead man.”
Everyone stops what they’re doing at that. Harry stops smiling, Liam stops breathing, Zayn stops texting and even Niall stops eating.
“Your dad’s dead?” Niall asks, not sure if he’s heard correctly or if there’s just cheese in his ears.
“It’s about fucking time,” Louis nods and smiles tightly.
“Lou,” Harry touches a hand to a cheek and Liam flinches away when Louis doesn’t. “I know you and your dad weren’t... I mean, you know, it’s just, that really sucks.”
“You told him?” Liam blurts out before he can stop himself and sometimes he wishes he hasn’t known Louis for so long because the telltale signs of annoyance that flicker across his face are enough to make him want to reprimand himself.
“Was I not supposed to?” he challenges and Liam retracts.
“No, I mean,” he tears at a napkin under the table “it’s just that you haven’t even told Zayn and Niall.”
“Told us what?” Niall asks and looks to Zayn who seems about as confused as he is.
“That I never knew my dad.” Louis shrugs and idly sips at his water. “That he left when I was young and he never felt the need to get to know me or even acknowledge my existence. Oh no wait, he rang me up a few times for money. Pulled the fatherly card on me and got me to wire him money. I even stole it from mum once because he told me to and ran away when she found out. And now the bastard is dead,” he smiles bitterly, “bless his wretched soul.”
“Well,” Zayn’s the first to react, face cold. “Seems like we’ve got our perpetual daddy issues in common, mate.”
“Oh?” Louis quirks an eyebrow, “Do tell.”
“The short sweet version basically goes like this: I’m the only son so I’m supposed to carry on the family name. I can’t do that, so I’ve been disowned.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Louis steals Harry’s cup and tips it toward Zayn.
“Yeah, cheers,” Zayn lifts his own glass and lets Louis make his toast before he turns to Liam. “What about you?”
Liam wonders why they’ve never had this conversation together as a group before. He knows that Niall’s family is cool with his lifestyle and accept him for who he is but beyond that he has no clue about the inner workings of any his friends except for Louis and he can’t help but wonder why they’ve chosen now in the middle of a crowded diner of all places to talk about it.
“Oh Liam’s parents don’t know.” Louis cuts in before he can answer for himself. “His parents think that he’s straight. Probably waiting for him to bring a nice girl home for Christmas and tell them he’s getting married, isn’t that right, Li?” When Liam doesn’t answer Louis continues. “They never really liked me. I don’t blame them though, I wouldn’t like me either.”
“Louis,” this conversation is getting a bit too morbid for Liam. “Don’t say that. They never disliked you.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t care either way.” He finishes Harry’s entire drink and gets a slap on the arm.
“You owe me another Sprite, you jerk.”
“It’s almost my birthday,” Louis scoffs “you lot should be showering me with free drinks and gifts and all of your love and affection.”
“I think you get enough of that year round.” Zayn smirks. “Too much actually.”
“More than you could ever know,” Louis barks out a laugh, “but too much is never enough.”
Liam is sure there’s some hidden meaning in there but chooses to ignore it and resolve that he will never understand their banter.
-
“Leemo!!!” Andy shouts over a stack of books when Liam walks into the library the next day five minutes late into his shift. “You’re late, man,” he points at his watch-less wrist and Liam wonders how Andy even got a job in their Uni’s library when he’s one of the loudest people he’s even ever met.
“I know,” Liam hurries over behind the front desk and sets his bag down. “I overslept, sorry.”
“Long night?” Andy wiggles his eyebrows at him as he continues to stack books on their appropriate shelves.
“Something like that,” Liam shrugs off his coat and hangs it on the rack behind him. “Where’s Dani?”
Andy nearly falls off the ladder he’s stood on to reach the top shelf and Liam kinda wants to laugh but his overwhelming paternal sense takes over and he rushes to Andy’s side and grabs at his shoulders.
“You alright?” he asks him and gets a laugh in response.
“I just tripped Liam, I’m fine, but it’s funny you asked about Danielle,” Andy brushes his hands away and crowds in close until Liam is pushed up against a bookcase.
“What’s this about?” he tilts his head away from Andy’s mouth which is incredibly close to his and this is weird even for Andy who is for lack of a better word, pretty fucking weird.
Andy’s taller than Liam and he’s got this long shoulder length hair that brushes Liam’s cheeks when he leans in close and whispers, “Is there something you want to tell me, Leeeemo?”
He makes a note to tell Niall to stop hanging out with Andy even though that may be impossible for their resident social butterfly, but it’s bad enough that one person calls him “Leemo” and two is clearly pushing it. Also he’s not too sure what Andy’s on about but he sure as hell hopes it’s not what he thinks it is.
It’s not like he purposely hasn’t told Andy that he’s gay, it’s just that telling him wasn’t really one of his priorities… ever?
“We’re mates aren’t we?” Andy asks and Liam nods. Mates is sorta pushing it actually. They’re more like close acquaintances, work mates if anything. “So come on, you can tell me anything.”
Liam can feel Andy’s breath creeping down his neck and this is closer than he’d ever wanted to be with him. He figures Andy already knows and all this is really just torture until he comes out and tells him, but he doesn’t feel like he should have to if he doesn’t want to.
“I’m going to need you to be more specific,” Liam says in hopes of buying time to plan an escape route and quit his job and hopefully never have to run into Andy again for the rest of his life.
“You and Dani!” Andy screeches. “What’s going on there? I mean she called in sick today and specifically told me to tell you she’s sorry and then you come in late and I’ve seen the way you two look at each other I’m not dumb.”
“What?” Liam deadpans because he must actually be dumb if he thinks he’s got something going on with Danielle of all people. “She’s just…what? No! Me and Danielle? I mean she’s beautiful, but no.”
“Well why not?” Andy frowns. “She’s really hot oh god and I heard she gives great head and that she’ll even let you—”
“Andy please!” Liam cuts him off and pushes away from the bookcase. “Inner work relationships are unprofessional and I don’t think you should be talking about her like that, she’s a sweet girl.”
“She’s a babe,” Andy corrects, “and if you don’t get at that soon then I will.”
As if that’ll ever happen, Liam doesn’t say but instead mumbles, “Go for it!” as he pushes past him back over to man the front desk alone.
“You sure?” Andy calls after him and flips the bird at someone who had the audacity the sshhh him.
Liam wants to roll his eyes or yell out “I’M GAY!” into the rafters but instead shrugs and says, “I’m positive.”
-
“This is your own fault you know,” Louis sneers and shoulder checks him when he walks past him into their shared bathroom.
“How is this my fault?” Liam gapes in Louis’ bedroom doorway. He’d come home after work and went straight to tell Louis all about what happened just to get brushed off by his best friend.
“I don’t get why you or Niall are even friends with Andy he’s such a fucking tool!” he yells out from where he’ preening in the mirror. “But you brought this upon yourself really. You should’ve told them that you’re gay a long time ago.”
“What?” Liam follows him and sits on the edge of the bathtub. “Should I have walked in on my first day like, ‘Hi my name is Liam and I like sucking cock in my free time?’”
“Precisely,” Louis turns around on his heel and grins, “tell them how you like to take it up the ass; it’s my favorite kind of ice breaker.”
“I’m not you Louis,” Liam frowns.
“And that’s why you’re no fun,” Louis leans down and smacks a kiss on his forehead and smoothes away the wrinkles with a thumb. “Speaking of fun, I’m going out tonight.”
“Where are you going?” he tries for another frown but has learned over the years it’s impossible to do so when Louis is in such close proximity to his face.
“Some party Harry’s dragging me to I’m not sure,” Louis waves nonchalantly and turns back around to work on his hair.
“You’re going to some high school party? With Harry? On a Friday night?”
“It’s hardly a high school party,” Louis rolls his eyes, “anyway, what’s it to you, Payne?”
Liam holds his hands up in defense, “I’m just saying this isn’t like you at all.”
“What do you mean by that?” he stops moving and lowers his eyes at Liam through the mirror.
He can see that this is about to turn into a big thing, can literally feel Louis’ guard going up in the same bathroom and shakes his head. “Never mind,” Liam says and decides to change the subject, “so about your dad—”
“Bye Liam, I’ve got to go don’t stay up!” Louis flits past him into the hallway.
“Lou, I’m serious,” Liam stands up after him and grabs his arm.
“And I’m serious too, alright?” he yanks his arm out of Liam’s grasp, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Will you at least think about it?” Liam pleads and he’s starting to feel more like his father died rather than his best friends’.
“Not tonight.” Louis tells him as he pulls on his coat. “Tonight I’m going to get drunk off cheap, warm beer and fuck Harry in his best mates’ parents’ bed. All the while you go into your room over there and study or something else equally as boring.”
It really isn’t surprising how predictable he’s become by this point, but he still frowns at the back of Louis’ head when he leaves him alone in their flat. He doesn’t want to study anymore and he doesn’t really know what to do without Louis orchestrating things. So he trots into the kitchen and sets the kettle hoping that the chamomile will quickly lull him to sleep.
He places a teabag in an empty mug and moves over to the refrigerator to grab the milk when he sees a photo tackily taped onto the freezer (since Louis broke all of their magnets) and stops in his tracks. It’s of the four of them; Liam’s squeezed tight between Zayn and Niall with Louis draped across the three of them. He thinks it may be from his and Niall’s joint 20th birthday party but he’s not too sure.
It comes off the fridge easily, tape worn from months of disuse. He flips it over and reads the date scrawled in Louis’ messy handwriting.
NIAM BDAY!!!!! 1/9/13 (;
Liam can’t help but roll his eyes because he hates the way that Louis combines their names like they’re dating.
(“Like celebrities,” Louis told him. “Like Brangelina or Kimye but less annoying and better looking.”
Liam snorted at that because it doesn’t really get any better looking than Kim Kardashian or Brad Pitt. “Is that right?” he asked and Louis nodded fervently.
“You and Zayn are Ziam, see? And then there’s Niam for you and Niall. Ziall, Zouis, Nouis, d’you see how it works here?”
“And what about us?”
“You and I?” Louis hummed. “We’re Lilo”
“Lilo, hmm?” Liam tried to suppress his grin. “How come ours is different?”
“Well for one both of our names start with L’s you absolute twat. But I like it like this anyway,” Louis shrugged. “We’ve always been different from everyone else, don’tcha think?”
Of course “I guess you’re right.”
“I’m always right,” Louis smacked his arm. “Plus, don’t tell anyone else,” he pulled Liam down and kissed him square on the lips, “I like us the best.”)
Niall’s eyes are screwed shut, mouth open so wide that Liam’s sure he could fit his whole head inside and then some. He has an arm slung over Liam’s shoulders, hand gripping at Zayn’s neck, the other raised up in the air drunkenly presenting a half empty bottle of beer.
He has Louis’ head in his lap. His eyes glassed over, hands clutching at Liam’s thighs. He looks happy, but then again Louis usually does, so Liam’s not surprised. What’s surprising though is his own face. He’s looking down at Louis, a smile bright on his face with his arms wrapped firmly around Louis' waist.
Zayn’s leaned in close, his face pressed tight against Liam’s. He thinks maybe their arms are touching, he can’t tell and can’t remember for the life of him what happened that night.
Without thinking he pulls his phone out of his pocket and snaps a picture of the photo. He scrolls down in his contacts until he gets to Zayn and hits send. Almost immediately his phone is buzzing in his hand as he answers it.
“Hello?”
“Please burn that picture, right now.”
“Whhhyyyy?” Liam drawls out and he thinks he sounds a lot more like Louis than himself.
“I look terrible,” he can hear Zayn’s frown through the receiver.
Liam shakes his head, “Zayn, you look great as always.”
Zayn sighs, “I told Louis to get rid of that picture a long time ago.”
“You know that’s exactly why he kept it, right?” Liam drops the photo and moves over to the stove where the kettle is whistling loudly.
“What are you doing?” Zayn asks him, although he’s sure it’s obvious.
“Making tea,” Liam tells him anyway. “Louis’ out with Harry tonight,” he tries not to sound bitter but Liam has always been an open book.
“You should come over,” Zayn suggests, “or I could come over there.”
“You could come over here if you want,” Liam pours the hot water into the mug. “I can call Niall and see what he’s up to, make it a proper lads night.”
“Niall’s got an essay to write.”
“Again?”
“He keeps changing his major,” Zayn’s shrug is evident even over the phone “I don’t know why.”
“Well it’ll just be me and you then.” He says as he reaches to grab the milk out of the refrigerator only to find out that they’re once again out and Louis has neglected to tell him. “Would you mind picking up milk on your way over? Louis, the twat, finished it off and didn’t tell me.”
“Sure thing Li,” he can hear Zayn’s keys jingling, “I’ll be right over.”
-
Zayn kisses him three times on the lips when he opens the door to let him. The gesture alone reminds him of the month he spent holed up Zayn’s flat holding hands and making food and having sex. He smiles to himself and steps to the side to let Zayn in, accepting the carton of milk he produces out of his jacket pocket.
“Thanks,” he licks at his lips and revels in the taste of smoke. Figures Zayn must’ve had a cig or two on the walk over and is surprised that he almost misses the taste. He follows Zayn into the kitchen where his tea has gone cold which is just as well because he doesn’t really want it anymore anyway.
“So what do you want to do?” Zayn asks him as he drapes his jacket over the back of a chair.
Liam hadn’t thought about that. What they’d do one Zayn got here. But now that he’s standing before him in a thin white t shirt with paint splattered all over it and tattered drainpipes Liam wants nothing more than to take it all off of him.
“You,” he says and Zayn runs a hand through his hair. “What?” Zayn asks confusion etched onto his face.
Liam rushes forward and presses close to Zayn, hands gripping at his hips. “I want to fuck you,” he tells him and can feel the shiver run down Zayn’s spine.
“What brought this on?” Zayn asks with feigned composure.
“Does it matter?” Liam's brows furrow and that crease Louis hates so much settles back into his forehead.
“The milk,” Zayn points to the carton that Liam had sat on the kitchen table in his haste.
“Zayn,” Liam whines. “I’m trying to have sex with you.”
Zayn relents, “I get it yeah, you wanna fuck me because Louis’ off with Harry.”
“What?” Liam steps back and lets his hands drop. “This has nothing to do with Louis. I want to do this because you look good, so good, and you’re one of my best mates.”
“Best mates that fuck?”
“Look if you don’t want to we can always just watch a film or something.” Liam turns around to head into the living room with the saddest look on his face and Zayn throws his hands up in defeat.
“No, no I want to!” he grabs Liam’s shoulders and spins him back around.
Liam’s still frowning but he asks anyway. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, yeah. We’re doing this on my terms though.” Zayn reaches down and grabs at Liam’s hands. “Come on.” He leads them into Liam’s bedroom.
Zayn goes down on Liam and milks him for all he’s worth. He pulls back every time he’s close swallows when he finally does let Liam come, deep down his throat. They order takeaway and settle on the couch to watch some movie Liam’s seen twenty times that Zayn couldn’t care less about. When it goes off Liam returns the favor and then Zayn drags him still on his knees back to bed.
Liam’s out of condoms but Zayn doesn’t care. He moans twice as loud when Liam opens him up and fucks into him slow and sweet. He digs his nails into the meat of his thighs when Liam hitches his legs up until he’s bent in half, kneecaps to his ears, and licks every spilled drop right of him, even when his muscles are screaming and spent and he’s begging for him to stop.
The burn is worth it. It’s worth it when Liam trails his tongue up Zayn’s torso, lapping up the mess he made along the way. It’s worth it when Liam licks into his mouth, kisses him with intent. It’s worth it when Liam cleans him up, not up to do it himself, his bones feeling loose and a lot like jelly. It’s worth it when he mutters a sleepy, “Thanks Li,” and Liam smiles lopsidedly in response.
There’s the click of a door closing and Liam flops down on his back next to Zayn. He looks over and thinks Zayn’s already fallen asleep until he says, “I love you,” to which Liam replies, “I love you too.”
“No really,” Zayn rolls over until he’s facing Liam. “I love you, like a lot. I know you’re still hung up on Louis, but whenever you’re over him… I’ll be here.”
Its dark and Liam’s glad he can’t see much of anything. He can see Zayn blinking with a solemn expression through the corner of his eye. “We should…” Liam starts, doesn’t know what to say to that, doesn’t know if he should say anything at all. Zayn’s waiting for a response, he can see as much and hopes Zayn can’t read him as clearly as he feels he can.
“We should go to bed.” He eventually says and rolls over until he’s facing the wall opposite Zayn. He pulls he covers up over his ears and buries his face down into the pillow. Pretends not to hear the heavy sigh Zayn emits before standing up and pulling his pants on. Pretends his head is swirling because he’s in a state of post coital haze while he lets the sound of the alarm clock on his bedside table tick tick tick and lull him to sleep.
-
“LEEEEEEEEYUM!” Louis can be heard bounding through the hallway the next morning.
Liam groans and wishes him away. Hopes that if he wishes hard enough he’ll actually disappear, at least for a couple of hours until he’s properly awake.
“Liam!” Louis calls again and Liam groans.
He rolls over and sputters when he ends up with a mouthful of hair. He shuffles down until his head is resting on Zayn’s chest and he doesn’t remember him coming back in last night. Thought he’d for sure left after what happened or rather, what didn’t happen, what wasn't said.
“About last night,” he murmurs and Zayn silences him with a hand on his cheek.
“Don’t,” he says. “It doesn’t matter, I just… don’t let it affect our friendship, yeah?”
“Okay,” Liam nods because he can do that. He can put this all behind him and pretend it never happened. He is more than happy to do that actually.
“Good,” Zayn smiles and leans down to press a dry, sleepy kiss into his lips. “Is this okay?” he asks when they both pull away.
“Of course,” Liam replies and pushes up onto his elbows for another.
Louis bursts into the door then, “Liam do you not hear me screaming bloody murder in the— Zayn?”
“Morning Lou,” he says but Louis ignores him.
“What’s this then?” he addresses Liam.
“It’s nothing,” Liam tells him, rolls until he’s sitting up with the cover pooled around his bare waist. “We’re not anything are we, Zayn?” he looks over to Zayn for help.
“Nope,” Zayn smiles tight lipped at a smug looking Louis. “Nothing at all.”
“Great!” Louis grins back before turning his attention back to Liam. “Well I could go for a cuppa,” he tells him and Liam hops up a little.
“I’ll go set the kettle.”
Louis waves him off, “Don’t bother, there’s no milk.”
“What? Zayn brought milk last night.”
“Yeah?” Louis crosses his arms. “You mean that same milk sat out on the kitchen table?”
“Shit,” Liam curses, “we forgot to put it away.”
“I tried to tell you.” Zayn mumbles and shies away from the glare Liam sends him.
“I’ll just run and get some more,” Liam says and makes to get up out of bed, pulls the sheets right off with him in his attempt to hide his private bits, but stops when Louis scoffs.
“Nonsense, we’ll just go to Starbucks or something,” he leans against Liam’s doorframe and nods at Zayn, “will you be joining us?”
“Nah, I think I’m gonna pass,” he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands half naked in nothing but his pants, not as modest as Liam even though it’s nothing any of them hasn’t seen before.
Liam scuttles past Louis and into the bathroom still wrapped up like a mummy with his sheets trailing behind him.
“Shame,” Louis clucks and unashamedly watches Liam until he’s out of eyesight. “I feel like we never spend any time together anymore.”
“Yeah well, you’ve got yourself a child now.” Zayn pulls on his pants and then his jeans. “You don’t have time for much else anymore except for backseat blowjobs and snogging in abandoned toilets.”
Louis rolls his eyes, “If you’re referring to Harry, he’ll be eighteen soon, not that that’s any of your business.”
“Oh? Is that before or after you turn twenty-three?” Zayn pulls on his shirt. “Are you gonna marry him, Louis? You gonna lavish him with expensive gifts and fuck him ‘til you’re old and dry? ‘Til you can’t get it up anymore and he goes off and finds someone younger and hotter to play with while you sit at home and play with yourself.”
“Fuck you,” Louis spits.
Zayn shakes his head. “Been there, done that.” Won’t do it again, he doesn’t say. “You know you two belong together,” he tells him.
“Who? Me and Harry?”
“No you bloody fucking idiot.” Zayn snarls. “Is that all you think about? Harry? Little Harry with the tight ass and dick sucking lips?”
“Don’t forget his massive cock,” Louis says cheekily.
Zayn rolls his eyes and pushes past Louis. He has to get out of there before he goes completely insane. “You two have fun without me.” He makes his way over to the front door and ignores Louis when he calls out a snarky “Oh we will!”after him.
Liam walks out of the bathroom fully dressed with his teeth brushed and beams when he sees Louis waving at Zayn’s retreating figure.
“It was nice chatting with you, let’s catch up again later!”
-
“Look, Harry, it’s not that I don’t like you or anything, but you gotta stop showing up at my doorstep after like 9 pm.” Liam says as he steps aside to once again let Harry into his Louis-free flat with him being already gone for America.
“I know, sorry,” Harry shivers. “It’s just that… you’re the only person I can talk to.”
“Uh what about Niall or Zayn? Or I don’t know, I’m sure a good looking lad like you has friends… don’t you?”
“My mates don’t get me!” Harry flops down on the couch and Liam wants to chastise him, to tell him to take his coat off before he gets snow all over the place but Harry looks so pathetic that he just lets him. “Niall doesn’t get me! No one gets me! Zayn hates me!”
“Zayn doesn’t hate you Harry,” Liam closes the front door and shuffles over to the armchair next to him.
“Well he doesn’t like me, and with you,” Harry shrugs, “well, at least you get me.”
Liam stifles a yawn and its sort of late for him to be trying to figure out what kind of mind games Harry’s playing at. “And what is there to get?”
“It’s about Louis,” Harry sighs and sinks down into the couch.
Liam nods. “I figured as much.”
“It’s like…” Harry’s eyebrows furrow like he’s been thinking long and hard about this. “You and I, we are a lot alike.”
“I beg to differ.”
“We’re both in love with him,” Harry continues before Liam can protest. “And he knows? So he like… lets us, but then he doesn’t? Like to a certain extent I guess. And we’re both sort of just sitting here waiting for something, for anything to happen. For like this sudden moment of realization to hit. For this grand epiphany where a light shines and angels descend and Louis finally admits ‘he’s the one’ but like it’s never gonna happen because he’s Louis. And we both know that but can’t stop, wouldn’t stop if we could.”
“Harry,” Liam says just so it’s something to fill the silence between them.
“But at least Louis loves you back. I mean not the way you want him to do, not the way Zayn loves you. But at least you’ve got that. He can hardly stand me.”
“That’s not true…” Liam tells him. “He wouldn’t spend every waking moment with you or talking about you or thinking about you if he didn’t at least care about you.”
“Yeah but—”
“When he got into his accident the first person he called was you. Not me, not even the fucking police, he called you.” Liam tries not to look as upset as he’s sure he sounds about it. “He picks you up from school and goes to your little teen parties and forgets to buy more milk because of you.”
Harry seems to shrink in on himself as he curls up into the couch even more. “Are you cross with me?”
“Of course not,” Liam frowns. “Let’s just… we can both use a bit of sleep right now. You can use Louis’ bed, if you want.”
He stands and Harry wordlessly follows him down the hall as he flicks the lights off along the way. They part ways with a quiet goodnight and Liam doesn’t fall back asleep until he hears Harry snoring in the room next to his.
-
It’s the next day and they’re sat at their regular booth at the diner, Harry next to Liam and Niall next to Zayn.
“So this is it lads, I won’t see you lot again until next year.” Niall says around a fork full of eggs.
Zayn nudges him in his ribs. “You say that as if it isn’t two weeks away.”
“Yeah but it sounds much cooler this way,” Niall shrugs.
“Sounds more dramatic, actually.” Liam snorts and Niall grunts at that.
“I don’t appreciate you two talking like you’re not gonna miss me.”
“I’ll miss you, Nialler.” Harry grins across the table.
“Good lad!” Niall cheers and reaches over to ruffle his hair and poke at his dimples the way he knows Harry hates it. “I’ll send you a postcard or summat.”
“It’s just Ireland,” Zayn rolls his eyes, “you’re not going off to China or some place interesting.”
“Hey,” Niall points his fork precariously close to Zayn’s neck. “You watch the way you talk about my homeland, alright?”
Zayn goes on completely unfazed. “Well while you’re out there freezing your balls off I’ll be here,”
“Freezing your balls off.” Niall finshes.
Liam raises an eyebrow. “You’re not going home?”
“Nah, I can’t really,” he shrugs like he doesn’t want to talk about it so Liam doesn’t bring it up.
“You can come back to mine,” he tells him. Usually he and Louis go back to their parents’ houses together but since Louis is gone in America he figures the drive back would be loads more interesting if Zayn tagged along.
“As in your parents’ place?” Zayn looks skeptical and Liam’s not too sure why.
“Yes?”
“You’re asking me to come home with you for Christmas to meet your family?”
Liam’s confused. “Is this uncommon?”
“No, I mean—”
“Oh just go with him!” Niall shouts. “You know you want to. Plus, it beats sitting in your flat wishing I was there anyway.”
“Sure,” Zayn nods. “I’ll go with you.”
Liam beams. “Cool, it’ll be fun.”
“Yeah… fun.”
-
Liam gets a text at 10 am on his drive from his flat to his parents’ house. Zayn’s asleep in the backseat being not even half as entertaining as Liam thought he’d be.
‘miss u ):’
It’s from Louis and he’d received it over an hour ago, but is just now seeing it since he’s stopped off for gas.
‘miss u 2’ he sends back and then adds ‘btw it’s the 24th here happy bdaayyyyy!!!!’
Louis replies almost immediately, ‘u even make me feel old 5000 miles away’
Liam leans against the side of the car and smiles to himself as he reads the text. He knows how much Louis hates celebrating his birthday and generally aging, but he also knows Louis would be completely cross with him if he neglected to say happy birthday to him.
When he slides back into the car Zayn is awake and blinking sleepily at him.
“Good morning stranger,” he says in greeting.
“Hmm,” Zayn hums. “I could take over if you want.”
“Nah, I quite like my life, mate. But you can come sit up here with me if you want.” Liam pats the passenger seat on his left.
Zayn nods and climbs into the front next to Liam. “Hi,” he smiles over at him.
“Hi,” Liam smiles back and doesn’t think twice of the kiss Zayn presses to his lips as he starts the car back up.
“Do you mind if I?” Zayn waves around a cigarette he had tucked behind his ear for a break that he so dutifully slept through.
Liam nods a quiet, “go ahead,” and Zayn rolls down the window while he lights up.
They sit in a type of silence that isn’t uncomfortable but could be filled with some type of mindless chit chat if Liam was being honest with himself. “It’s Louis’ birthday,” he says for lack of a better thing to come up with on moment’s notice.
Zayn smiles, “Guess I better call the old man,” he says and reaches for his phone. He skims through it and laughs at few texts before throwing it down on the dashboard in front of them. “I’ll call him later, yeah?”
Liam hums his agreement and Zayn goes to turn on the radio that Liam had off when Zayn was sleep as not to bother him, even though they both know when Zayn’s sleep he might as well be dead.
Every station is on commercial so they end up putting on a mixed cd that Louis made Liam back when they were in high school that he apparently takes with him everywhere.
“It’s decent enough,” Zayn shrugs, unwanting to give Louis an actual compliment even if he isn’t there to hear it. Surely Liam will eventually tell him and then Zayn will never hear the end of it.
They fall into another kind of silence, but at least this time there’s music so Liam isn’t bothered much. Zayn will sometimes sing along or look over at Liam for a beat too long which will cause Lim to look over and say “What?” with that stupid scrunched up smile that has Zayn internally tripping all over himself.
“You’re really cute,” Zayn tells him because it’s the truth.
Liam beams at that and tries but fails not to go red all over. “So are you.”
“No, I mean,” Zayn turns down the music so he doesn’t have to shout. “You could have any guy you ever wanted, you know?”
“Not any guy,” Liam says and immediately regrets it when he sees the look Zayn gives him out of the corner of his eye. “What I meant was I can’t pull any guy like you. Everyone’s at least a little attracted to you.”
“What about Louis?”
Everyone’s at least a little bit in love with him, Liam thinks to himself but instead says, “What about him?” and Zayn shrugs so he thinks he’s won this one.
-
When they get to Liam’s house his mother throws the door open and wraps Zayn up in a hug like she’s known him his entire life.
“You must be Zayn,” she says and hugs him tight while Liam gets their things from the car.
“Nice to meet you Mrs. Payne,” he smiles as she releases him. “Thank you for allowing me to spend the holidays with your family.”
“Oh,” she coos, “he’s handsome and charming! Such good traits, Liam could learn a thing or two from you.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Liam says as he walks up with their bags. “Hi mum,” he grins and drops everything when she wraps him up in an identical hug.
“My baby,” she says into his neck. “Welcome home, your dad’s in the kitchen prepping the roast and your sisters have gone out to grab a few last minute items or something I’m not sure,” she waves a hand. “You two come on inside.”
Zayn wrestles his bag away from Liam who insists on carrying it in as they follow his mother into the house. She leads Zayn into the guest room across from Liam’s room and tells them to come down when they’re ready.
Liam gives Zayn the grand tour; shows him his childhood house as thoroughly as possible. From the Disney bedding to the embarrassing photos that he’s sure his mum and sisters would’ve eventually showed him anyway.
Once they’re all settled and Zayn meets Liam’s sisters and dad, (“Call me Geoff,” he tells him) Liam’s mum passes around giant mugs of hot chocolate and pastries.
It’s a family tradition that Liam could never get tired of, no matter what age and he remembers sitting in this very spot at the age of sixteen, unable to keep his mind off Louis.
But now he’s here with Zayn and all he can think about is Zayn and he sort of wants to congratulate himself on getting better, on moving along. He mentally pats himself on the back and tries to tune back in to the conversation going on around him to find his dad getting along swimmingly with Zayn.
Not until Ruth flicks him in the nose does he realize he’s nodded off on his sisters’ shoulder and is promptly ushered to bed with Zayn in tow.
“G’night,” Liam smiles sleepily from the doorway of his bedroom.
“Good night, Li,” Zayn smiles back and steps forward for a tight hug. “Thanks for inviting me.” He whispers into Liam’s ear before they part.
Liam grabs Zayn’s face, a hand on each cheek and pulls him in until they are brushing noses. “Thanks for coming with me,” he says and leans in until they’re kissing.
It’s not dangerous per se, but it definitely isn’t something he’d usually do, especially in his parents’ house. But he doesn’t care because Zayn’s there and his family loves him and maybe one day he could actually introduce him as his boyfriend?
He shakes his head to himself and pulls away licking at his lips. Zayn tastes a lot like chocolate and sweets and so much like himself that Liam’s almost tempted to drag him into his room and damn the fact that his sister is in the room just one over.
One more kiss is all he allows and then sends Zayn off across the hall with a pat to the bum; the last thing he remembers seeing before falling asleep is Zayn’s grin.
-
Its Christmas morning when Liam gets the call.
The sun is up, but he’s not when his phone starts buzzing incessantly on his childhood bedside drawer.
“’lo?” he mumbles an answer.
“Liam?”
“Louis?” Liam sits up automatically and starts rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “What’s wrong Louis?” he can hear it in Louis’ voice that something is wrong, “What time is it Louis? What’s up?”
“I need you,” is all he says and Liam’s stomach drops.
He swallows down the foul taste in his mouth. “Why? Louis, talk to me.”
There’s a sob that wracks through the phone and Liam stands up, slips on his trainers, and his reaching into his closet for an old sweater when he realizes that Louis isn’t just a few blocks away like he used to be back in high school.
“Liam,” Louis says again, voice quiet and shaking “I need—” his voice breaks off and Liam shakes his head.
“No, Louis, no, don’t cry. You have to tell me what’s wrong, I can’t fix it if you won’t talk to me.”
“Is this not enough?” Louis ask still speaking low enough that Liam can barely hear him. “Is it not enough that I’m asking you to be here with me?” and Liam stops dead in his tracks.
Louis never asks for anything. In all of the seven or so odd years’ that he’s known Louis not once he asked anything of him.
But it’s Christmas.
But Louis needs him.
He’s quiet and Louis’ still making little snuffling noises on the other side of the fucking world. “Never mind,” he says, “forget I even called Merry Christmas Li—”
“I’m coming,” Liam says and starts packing everything back into his suitcase.
“No, really, Liam its fine enjoy Christmas with your family, tell them all I say hello.”
“It’s too late I’m already leaving, I’m already on my way.”
“Li, you don’t have to.”
“But I want to.” Liam says and pulls a notebook out from his desk. He scrawls out a messy note telling his parents that he has to go and that he’s so so so so sorry but he doesn’t want to wake them up.
“It’s going to be like hell trying to book a last minute flight to LA on Christmas,” Louis tells him.
“I’ll figure it out,”
“What if none are coming out here?”
“I’ll walk,”
“There’s an ocean between us, Liam.”
“Then I’ll bloody swim if I have to Louis I’m coming,” he says as he bounds down the stairs and smacks the note on the kitchen table before leaving as quietly as possible through the front door.
The entire drive to the airport is quiet except for the little snuffling sounds Louis makes every so often. Liam keeps the phone tucked between his ear and shoulder as he walks briskly through the terminal.
“I got it,” he tells Louis, “last flight leaves in a couple hours, but I’ll be there.”
“Thanks Li,” Louis mumbles, he sounds tired but Liam knows he’s reluctant to hang up.
“Anytime Lou,” Liam murmurs into his phone. He looks around to see businessmen all dressed up in their nice suits chatting idly on their phones and is suddenly aware that he’s sat in his pajama pants and ratty old high school sweatshirt.
The things he does for Louis. Louis who is still on the phone stifling yawns and muttering quiet little things that Liam doesn’t catch except for “love you,”
Liam sighs, “I love you too.”
“Lilo forever,” is the last thing Louis says before he’s out and Liam stays on the phone for good measure until it’s time to board the plane.
It’s not until he’s in the air, miles above and away from home does he remember Zayn and thunks his head against the window, “Shit,”