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For three days, Adam lets Caleb be. He doesn’t contact him, he believes he needs space. He doesn’t approach Caleb at school and Caleb doesn’t talk to him. But he can’t continue forever.
So, he sends a text.
Are you still mad at me?
It takes Caleb an hour to read the text and he doesn’t answer. The dots don’t appear and Adam sighs in frustration.
I’m really sorry, Caleb, honest. I want to make it up to you. We need to talk. Unless it’s over, which, I guess would be understandable. But I miss you. I don’t want to lose you right now.
Adam puts his phone away, and starts reading for an exam. He hopes against hope that Caleb will answer. Slowly he loses himself inside the text, needing to forget what he’s waiting for, and nearly misses it when the phone vibrates.
I shud’ve understood it was huge. I agree, we need 2 talk. R u busy rn?
Adam bites his lip but tells Caleb he’s free and asks where he wants to meet up. They agree on Caleb’s house, because Caleb’s mother will probably be curious but leave them alone and no one will bother them. There’s no possibility of anyone who knows nothing eavesdropping.
Taking a deep breath Adam puts his book away, walks into the living room to inform his parents, of whom he’s somewhat wary now, that he’s going to see Caleb. He thinks he sees something in the looks they give him, but it might also just be the normal parental worry over child’s closest relationship. Right now he doesn’t have the time to worry about it, he’s more worried about Caleb and their relationship.
When Adam gets to Caleb’s house, Caleb’s mother lets him in. “Hello Adam, Caleb’s in his room. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you,” she says and doesn’t in any way indicate that he’s broken her son’s heart or whatever.
Adam approaches the door apprehensively and worried that this might be the end. This might be the conversation to take him back to his loneliness. And then he blinks, tries to empty his mind, because he doesn’t want Caleb to feel it too much, he wants Caleb to be able to feel his own feelings.
Then he opens the door and sees Caleb, sitting on his bed, staring at the door. The feelings he was almost sprouting out at the clinic come back to him, covered with fear of what will happen. But he can admit to himself that it is love that he feels towards Caleb.
“Hey,” Adam says.
Caleb nods, but doesn’t say anything yet. He seems to be collecting himself, but hasn’t he had enough time for that?
Adam closes the door and moves to sit on Caleb’s chair, not daring to go too close. “So. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry, you’re worried, you’re afraid. And something else, something warmer.”
“Yes to all that. But I want to – I need to listen to you. You need to talk to me. We need to talk out loud more, not just you feeling my feelings, because I don’t think that’s everything that there is between us,” Adam says and looks near Caleb but not quite at him. He feels so bad for betraying Caleb’s trust, but what could he have done? How could he have known?
Caleb takes a deep breath and Adam wonders if it’s because he can feel him. Or if he’s going to talk. He is. “I know. And this is difficult, talking with you when you’re in the room, maybe I should have called you instead.”
“I can go if you need me to.”
“No. No, I’ve. I’ve missed you as well, and you’re already here, so we might as well do this now and here,” Caleb answers and he tries a smile on his face, but it drops off soon. “Look. Look I told you about my ability because I didn’t think that deception was the way to begin a relationship. And I did that badly. And I didn’t think how much it would be for you, because the only people I’ve told before have either had some experience with similar things or had each other to talk to. So I didn’t realize that you would need someone to talk to. And of course you would go to your parents.”
“You’ve practised what you wanted to say to me,” Adam notes and turns to actually look at Caleb. He needs anything he can get to be able to read at least that bit more of what he’s saying. “You still feel betrayed, don’t you?”
“I do.”
“But you’ve talked to Doctor Bright about this? You had a session with her.”
Caleb nods. “Yes. She said that I should try and step into your shoes. I mean I thought I told you about this with you knowing you couldn’t tell anyone, but I didn’t – I didn’t think it through.”
For a moment they look at each other. Adam wonders what Caleb feels from him. Wonders what Caleb is thinking. Still wonders if something has been completely broken.
“What do you want me to say?” Adam asks.
Caleb shrugs. “You’ve said you’re sorry and I know you are. But I need to know what your parents know about me. I still don’t know who they are and you don’t know where they work. And I’m sorry for not trusting them completely, but if Chloe saw something, I’m going to be a bit worried.”
Adam nods. He understands, he really does. He doesn’t want to distrust his parents but everything has changed in the last three months anyway, so it’s not like he’d be surprised over his possible surprise. “I haven’t told them much. I think they realized I was talking about you the first time I brought it up, because they haven’t seen me with anyone else, and there’s really no one else I could have been talking about. So I think they know about your empathy.”
Caleb is silent for a long while. Adam worries his lower lip.
“Alright. Alright, I’m sure we can figure this out and we can figure out who they are. What they mean to us.” Caleb frowns and looks into Adam’s eyes. “Why are you so afraid? What are you so afraid of? It’s been worrying me for the whole time you’ve been here.”
“I – well, I. You don’t trust me, right? So what’s keeping us together now? Is this going to be the end of us?” Adam asks before he can close it all inside himself.
Caleb blinks. “You haven’t lost my trust completely. I do still. I do still want to be with you. You’re still important to me. It’s not like my feelings for you have vanished. It’s not like your feelings for me have vanished. The green is still there.”
“You keep talking about green and yet you’ve to explain it.” Adam takes hold of the word because he needs to direct the conversation somewhere before they float with unspoken words and a possible mutual distrust. And he’s curious, has been since the first time Caleb mentioned it.
Something settles down on them. Adam can feel it, even though he can’t explain it. But it’s something familiar, something completely new, and he wonders what Caleb’s going to say, because he’s licking his lips and blinking.
“It’s us.”
Such a short answer and it seems Caleb thinks it’s enough. But Adam doesn’t think so. “That doesn’t explain it. I told you, you need to talk more, you need to explain things to me more. If you want me to understand, you need to tell me things.”
Caleb sighs. “Fine. The feelings work a bit differently with me. Sometimes I feel things and I know that they’re not at all me, and they don’t fit me, and they’re the wrong colour. Like. I’m yellow and they’re blue. But your feelings fit with me even before we had talked. They. They mixed and created green. And it works like that a bit with my family, but more so with you. That’s why I wasn’t a hundred percent sure at the beginning that you liked me, because it echoed inside me and it fit so perfectly.” He has closed his eyes before finishing because he’s uncertain of what his eyes might show Adam.
“That’s. I don’t know what to say.”
Caleb chuckles and opens his eyes. “It was a lot to realise what was going on. I mean I kind of knew. But I needed Doctor Bright to help me come to terms with it.”
“And it began before you talked to me.”
“Your feelings overpowered most anything else. It was odd being in class where you were supposed to be if you weren’t there. Even if your feelings sometimes were…” Caleb trails off.
“I know. Yeah, look about that, my depression? Doctor Bright gave me names of some of her colleagues who treat normal people. And I’ve contacted a couple. Because I don’t want to be too much trouble for you, I don’t want you to feel my depression every time we meet.” Adam sighs. “Honestly, I don’t want you to feel like you’re responsible of what I’m feeling when I’m with you, and I’m terrified that partly my depression will drive you away.”
“Come here,” Caleb says, patting the spot next to him.
Adam hesitates for a moment but walks over to Caleb and sits next to him.
“Look. Adam. I’ll need some more time to wrap my head around everything but I don’t want us to break up. I don’t feel burdened by your sadness or depression. I just wish I could do more for you,” Caleb says and moves his hand closer to Adam, hoping he’ll take the hint.
Adam nods. He feels the butterflies that were there in the beginning and have been there most of the time. He takes hold of Caleb’s hand and smiles softly. “And I want to make everything up to you. I want to be there for you when you need help. I want you to be able to talk to me and I want to be able to talk to you about everything.”
Caleb smiles and bites his lip before moving closer. “I’m..” he doesn’t finish the sentence, just plants a soft kiss on Adam’s lips. “Right. Right. Let’s fix this.” He tightens his hold on Adam’s hand. “I’m sorry I made you worried I might not want to keep on seeing you but I lo—I care for you too.”
Adam blinks but doesn’t answer.
“So. Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“We’ll be fine.”