Chapter Text
Amelia Shepherd didn’t know for how long she had been staring at her bathroom mirror.
Looking back at her was the reflection of a broken woman. Streaks of mascara, partially dried, were marking their way down from below her eyes all the way down to her chin where only the last remnants of it could be spotted, the rest slowly fading down her neck and crusted in salty tears.
She could hardly recognise herself, face pale and scrunched up in agony, not an ounce of happiness or at least confidence to be spotted.
The day had started in such a good way and now she was here, brought back to the reality that whatever happened at the end of the day, Amelia Shepherd was not supposed to be happy. Life constantly dangled these delicious looking carrots in front of her face only to snatch them away from her and stomp on them when she was really close.
Everything inside of her was screaming. Her thoughts wouldn’t stop going in circles and all she wanted to do was drown them, make them go away, make herself numb so she wouldn’t hear them anymore, so she would stop feeling this pain, pain which she brought on herself by acting impulsively and not giving the other person’s feelings a second thought before blurting out whatever was on her mind.
She didn’t know how, but she had made it through the night and even though she had been really close, she had somehow managed to not give in to her addictions.
Any other day, she would have been proud of herself. Hell, she would have gone to a meeting and would have told everyone how close she had come but still somehow pushed through. And it would have made her feel so good to talk about it with people who were going trough the exact same struggles she did.
But there was no meeting. There was no pride. There was only pain.
And now she was at the hospital, bloodshot eyes hidden by way too much concealer, and pretending that everything was fine. Doing her work, helping patients, when in reality all she wanted to do was hide and make herself vanish.
When looking up from her tablet, she spotted a blonde streak of hair but before she could be sure of what she had just seen it had already vanished. It was better that way anyway.
“Leave me alone. I hate you! Get out and and just leave me. I don’t want you here!” she spat angrily, motioning for the other woman to leave.
“Why are you trying to push me away? I’m here for you, I want to be here for you. Please don’t do this, Amelia!” the blonde woman pleaded, grabbing at the brunette’s arm, only for the other woman to shake her off, creating a distance between them.
“But I don’t want you here. Just leave me. We are nothing! You don’t know anything about me and you have no business in meddling! Get. Away. From. Me,” Amelia practically growled which made the other woman leave the room in a hurry.
When she reached the door, she half-turned back at Amelia, pain in her voice and tears in her eyes. “You know, I haven’t said anything yet but I might as well do it now. I love you and I tried so hard to be there for you, no matter how much you lashed out and hurt me. I took all the brunt because I knew you were in pain, but this…,” she motioned with her hands between them, “…this is just too much. I cannot be your doormat anymore. This is over before it has even started and you’ve only got yourself to blame. Don’t talk to me ever again.”
There was a finality in the blonde’s voice that made it clear that she meant what she said.
“Arizona, I’m sorry…,” Amelia started when she realised that she had fucked up completely, but it was too late. She was gone.
“How long as it been since the two have spoken with each other?” Derek asked, taking a bite out of an apple while watching the usual scene of Amelia hurrying away when she spotted Arizona in the hallway or vice versa.
“I don’t know, a few weeks I guess?” Meredith answered, not looking up from her charts.
“Has it already been that long. Hmm, I guess I should talk to Amy.”
“Oh no, don’t. I accidentally mentioned Arizona last week and Amelia avoided me for the rest of the day. Just leave it. She’ll get around,” she remarked, looking up from her tablet, looking into her husband’s eyes who just smiled at her.
“Usually I would agree with you, but that’s Amy we’re talking about. And she was really head over heels about Robbins. She even told me she was in love with her and asked me for advice on how to confess… I really wonder what happened. It must have been bad,” he mused, a sad look on his face.
“Well… I’ve heard some things through the grapevine.”
“What things?”
“There supposedly was loud screaming involved. Mostly from Amelia,” Meredith stated matter of factly, getting back to look at her patient’s data.
Derek scratched his head. “Damn it, now I really need to talk to her.” He kissed his wife on the lips. “See you later?”
Meredith chuckled, “If you manage to get back in one piece.”
“Oh, I will. Don’t underestimate me,” the man said, smiling at his wife before turning away, in search of his younger sister.
“So, what’s got your knickers in a twist?”
The brunette snorted. “Since when do you use phrases like that?” she wanted to know from her brother.
“I’ve really gotten into watching British soaps.”
Amelia frowned, “You? British soaps?”
He held up his hands in mock defeat. “Okay, okay, I confess. When Meredith’s on night shift this is this only thing that will make the kids fall asleep. And when they’re down, I just keep watching because they’re actually pretty good.”
“My brother, die hard Coronation Street fanboy,” Amelia chuckled.
“Anyhow,” he started, trying to get back on the topic, “my question still stands.”
Amelia averted her eyes from Derek’s inquiring look and pretended to look through her patient’s charts.
“Amy…,” he pleaded.
The younger surgeon sighed, letting her head fall on top of her hands, looking at her brother with watery eyes.
“I messed up, okay? I had an encounter with someone from my past and Arizona she… she got in the middle of it. And I just snapped.”
By the time she had finished her sentence, Derek had already pulled her into a deep hug, trying to soothe her by drawing circles on her back with his fingers.
“Shh… it’s okay.”
“Why do I always keep pushing people away? Why do I make everyone hate me who loved me?” she cried out meekly, her tears now drenching her brothers lab coat.
“I’m sure she doesn’t hate you. We’ll find a way, okay?”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. I promise.”
No matter how much he sometimes annoyed her, it was nice to have an older brother. In this moment Amelia felt a small glimpse of hope that maybe, maybe things could be okay again one day.
She lost him. He was only a teenager. Amelia had tried her best but the damage was too severe. She had tried everything to save him, but she couldn’t get his heart beating again.
It was supposed to be a simple surgery, a minor brain bleed, but after opening him up everything just went south really quickly.
When she updated the parents, Arizona stood next to her, comforting the boy’s crying mother.
Afterwards the blonde doctor gave her this pitiful look, and before Amelia could respond, she had already turned on her heels, leaving the brunette behind and alone with her pain.
That’s why she was now here again, staring into the mirror, the same scene as not too long ago. Why even bother to keep going? That little bit of hope her brother had planted inside Amelia’s mind, it was actually cruel. There was no hope. Arizona would never ever talk to her again unless it was absolutely necessary and she had only herself to blame.
To think that just a few weeks earlier they had shared some the most beautiful and memorable moments in Amelia’s life…
Blonde locks were surrounded by sun. She looked absolutely wonderful and reminiscent of an angel with her own little halo. Amelia just couldn’t take her eyes off her.
The blonde woman was smiling at her, holding both her hands, spinning them in circles.
Amelia couldn’t help herself. She started giggling which in turn made the other woman laugh. Her laughs were the most beautiful sound on earth and she never wanted he to stop laughing.
After what seemed like an eternity (but probably it was only a few minutes) the blonde stopped spinning them, falling in the brunette one’s arm, breathing heavily.
The brunette felt slightly dizzy, but she also felt very grounded, like nothing could ever happen to her because Arizona was there, in her arms. Holding her, laughing at her, shining that incredible smile.
“It’s so beautiful out here, I could stay here all day long,” the blonde exclaimed, giggling at her.
“Well, good thing I brought a blanket and snacks. We can stay here as long as you like.”
“You’ve come prepared, Amelia Shepherd. Are you trying to seduce me?”
“Maybe,” Amelia retorted, a sly smile on her face. “You don’t mind, do you?”
The blonde put her hand on the other woman’s cheek.
“No, I don’t,” she replied, smiling genuinely.