Work Text:
“Today marks the end of the tour…”
Taemin stares at his phone, the Bubble app making his fingers shake just a little bit, but enough to be noticed by the man sitting next to him. Although no words were needed at that moment, his silent presence was enough to make Taemin feel less nervous, less insecure. He looked around the room, but not into the man’s eyes, not yet, he wanted to do this on his own, if that even makes sense. Taemin knew he wasn’t truly alone, and that was enough.
While trying to remember all of the precious moments he had during the tour, Taemin suddenly felt overwhelmed. Many places, moments, people, faces. Feelings. Connections. Over the months, it was like he was feeling a different emotion everyday, learning a different thing, healing wounds and facing insecurities he didn’t know he still had in himself. Still.
It was the best experience he could have asked for. He couldn’t even understand how all of that happened, but still, there he was, after the last concert of the tour. The end. But as he said, only the beginning. All of that only being possible because of those who stand by his side after so many years, still loving him, no matter how far away, no matter what.
To finish the message, as always, he wanted to be honest. He wanted them to know that he felt their love, after many years feeling it from a distance, he saw everything with his own eyes, he felt it with his whole being. He could have said many more things, he wanted to, but somehow, he couldn’t. Still, every single thing came from his heart. It couldn’t be different than that. Never.
“It was such a precious time and I am so grateful for receiving so much love.”
After pressing the “send” button, Taemin finally dropped the phone on his bed and looked at the man sitting next to him, staring patiently at him, as if he had all of the time in the world, or he didn’t want to be anywhere else. Maybe both. When Taemin looked into his eyes, he didn’t see any judgment coming, how could he even expect that? It was Jonghyun. But still, Taemin couldn’t always pretend he didn’t feel insecure, not because of others, but himself. It was always embarrassing and uncomfortable, but Jonghyun never pressured him into saying anything.
After a while, probably noticing that Taemin was going too far away with his thoughts, Jonghyun decided to say something. “Taemin-ah, look at me, please?” It took a few minutes, but Taemin looked at him, with hesitation in his eyes. His hands were still shaking, Jonghyun could see that. “You know you don’t have to pretend with me, ever. How are you truly feeling?”
Taemin sighed deeply after hearing the question, he wasn’t uncomfortable, and he wanted to answer Jonghyun, he just needed a moment. Words weren’t always easy, especially after being through so many intense emotions. Taemin sometimes just wished Jonghyun could see right through him. Maybe he did, but still needed Taemin to speak out loud, because he knew it would help, or maybe hurt a little less.
Taemin lay down on the bed and took a long breath, smelling the scent of Jonghyun’s new candle. This time it was a mix of Zesty Lemon, Sparkling Citrus, and Italian Bergamot. It was different from the usual scents, but probably one of Taemin’s new favorites. The room was dark, but not too much, and Jonghyun was lying next to him, and when Taemin went to cuddle him, he thought that there was no place on Earth where he could feel more comfortable or safe. Taemin could listen to Jonghyun’s heart beating and somehow that made him feel better, because it wasn’t beating too fast, and Jonghyun was so soft around him, warm skin, gentle touching him. Taemin felt like he could breathe for a moment.
“If someone saw me, they’d think I'm reckless and foolish. Turning my back on everything familiar. Throwing my whole body into an unfamiliar world.” Taemin’s voice trembled as he felt the weight of his own words, their meaning in that moment. But he couldn’t stop. “The sky where I could fly always seemed like unknown to me. But the moment I lifted my head I was instantly drawn to a world tinged with blue. Turning my back on everything familiar, spreading my arms wide, I decided to throw myself into it.”
Jonghyun hugged him tightly, letting out a low sigh, but Taemin still felt it in his skin. He didn’t know if he was being stupid, but he couldn’t find new words to express all of it, and after singing it so many times, the lyrics were engraved in his heart.
“What? It’s my song, so can’t I say it’s my feelings too?”
Taemin could feel Jonghyun’s fingers gently touching his arm, until he grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Of course you can, Taemin-ah. You know that. And of course I could see your heart through this song. You were so genuine.”
Jonghyun’s words lingered in the air for a while. Taemin felt a little bit better, less embarrassed or insecure. Most people would probably think that Taemin was just joking or being silly doing something like that, choosing lyrics instead of answering, but not Jonghyun. He had always seen Taemin’s insecurities and never judged the way he expressed himself.
“You know that I’m so proud of you, Taemin-ah, as always… But this time, it seems different from everything else, right? You seem different. Not wrong. Just different.”
Taemin closed his eyes and held Jonghyun tightly. Maybe it was obvious that it would be different, and Taemin shouldn’t be impressed, but just hearing Jonghyun saying that made him feel emotional, because he was being truly seen by someone. Not just someone. Jonghyun, who had seen Taemin’s career since the beginning, who had seen everything, from ups and downs, insecurities, fears, happiness. Not only that, but Jonghyun, who had touched Taemin’s heart, listened to his thoughts, saw his smile and wiped away his tears. Jonghyun saw everything and he was still there, still trying to understand Taemin even more, even when probably there was nothing else to know.
But in times like this, Jonghyun could make Taemin see that there was a lot to be known yet about himself. Pieces of him that he tried to ignore, hoping that it would disappear. In times like this, he realized that maybe there was a lot to be healed inside of himself.
“I don’t know how to explain. I guess I feel different because it was a truly different experience. And I know that this is obvious, but… More than different, probably it was something I’d long wished for, more than anything else. And I know that I don’t have to tell you this because you know it, but… The reason why I needed this so much, it’s because I needed to see it with my own eyes, and mostly, I needed to feel it with my whole heart.”
It wasn’t easy for Taemin to talk about it, even with Jonghyun, who would probably even relate to his feelings. Taemin just felt that maybe he could be seen as ungrateful, and that was unbearable to him. It was too easy to be misunderstood, and even if Jonghyun could understand him better than anyone else, it wasn’t easy to completely let go of his insecurities.
“I don’t know if I was being too selfish, like I needed to feel their love in front of me? Or if I was being too ungrateful, to feel like it wasn’t enough already? But you know that’s not what I mean. It’s more like, I always knew they were there for me, all around the world, but I wanted to create that connection with them. I wanted to meet those people who I had never seen before, yet I was so grateful for. You know that I also wanted them to meet me too. After all of the love and appreciation from such a distance, I wanted them to see in front of them the artist they had chosen to love.”
Jonghyun didn’t say anything, because he knew Taemin still had more words to say, things that he was keeping inside of him through the whole tour, and that he wasn’t able to say, he couldn’t be so vulnerable as he was right now. It must have been a lot, so he patiently waited, just gently stroking Taemin’s arm, hoping that his silence was being felt as a moment for Taemin to express himself and that his silent presence was enough.
“But talking about me… I just truly felt their love and support. You know how much this means to me, since I want to keep going, I want to do more… But I always thought that maybe people were getting tired of me, after many years, maybe they were just slowly forgetting about me. Time passes, feelings change, I wouldn’t blame them. But maybe just me wanting to keep going couldn’t be enough, so I was scared. I was so scared when it was announced, hyung. It could have been a disaster, you know that. I know that after many years of support, I should have trusted them, but I was so scared that I didn’t think. I know I should have believed more in myself, but it’s not always easy.”
Taemin got up and sat on the bed looking into Jonghyun’s eyes. He wasn’t done, but he needed Jonghyun to say something. Anything. He just needed to know that he was being understood.
“Taemin-ah, I know. Trust me, I know. More than that, I understand. You don’t have to worry about me misunderstanding you right now, okay? I know your heart, and I wouldn’t judge you. After everything… I know how much you needed to live through that experience. It was also like a door opening for a new beginning too. I know you’re more confident now to keep going, and I couldn’t be more happy for you. I’m so glad that you connected to all of them, the bond feels stronger now. You and your fans deserved that.”
Taemin felt so relieved. He shouldn’t have worried about being misunderstood by Jonghyun, who had been with him for more than a decade. But mostly, Taemin was so glad that Jonghyun didn’t judge him for being insecure, that he didn’t think that Taemin had a problem with him. He was so grateful that Jonghyun could see through that, meaning their relationship was strong, their confidence was high enough that inner insecurities were not seen as failures in their relationship, but wounds that weren’t completely healed. Jonghyun’s words gave Taemin more confidence to keep going.
“You’re right, hyung. I do feel more confident. I just realized that I wasn’t so secure in myself. I know that many things could justify that, but I just thought that those things didn’t affect me anymore. I thought that I was over those insecurities, but going through a new experience just by myself made those feelings come back? I don’t know if that makes sense.”
“It does make sense, Taemin-ah. Honestly, going through this by yourself is different from everything else. We had tours before, but as a group, and that gives you more confidence, at first. And having your first tour as a solo artist is different. All you can give is yourself, and I understand the fear of not being enough. But you know, I’m glad you did this, you went on your own, you were seen and appreciated as you are. You deserve that, you deserve to be loved as who you are, to be able to show your true colors, just you. It doesn’t mean you’re not yourself in our group, I know you know that. But things are different now, all of us have our own dreams, and I’m glad we are starting to live them. I’m grateful to our group for being able to show them that we can do it by ourselves too, you know?”
Taemin definitely understood what Jonghyun was trying to say. Honestly, all of the members too. They have talked about this before, their own dreams and careers, things they wanted to do. All of them were scared of being seen as selfish, but after opening their hearts, they saw that they wanted something similar: to create something so special as the group on their own. And that it was okay, it didn’t mean that they were giving up on their group, but they were being brave enough to show the world their own colors, their own art. Even if the combination of their colors created something so beautiful like the group, they deserved a chance of creating something beautiful too.
“Yes, hyung. I know we talked about this before, but it doesn’t mean that all of the insecurities got away, especially because I don’t want to disappoint them. I know I should just do what I want and believe, and hope that they appreciate my art, instead of wanting to be seen, but I guess I’m just human, in the end. I’m not perfect and maybe I shouldn’t judge myself because of that. Just because people expect me to be perfect, it doesn’t mean that I desperately need to be.”
Jonghyun couldn’t help but give Taemin a quick kiss on his lips, then on his cheeks and forehead. He also needed to give Taemin a hug, because at that moment, he didn’t have words to express how proud he was of Taemin. Jonghyun knew that it wasn’t easy to accept your true feelings, the hard ones. It takes a lot of courage to do that, and Jonghyun could never judge how much time Taemin needed to get there, but to see him starting to accept himself… It was something so special that he felt it with his whole being.
After a moment, Jonghyun moved away a little from Taemin, to be able to look into his eyes again, and what he saw was genuine love, he felt that. Jonghyun thought that his eyes were reflecting his own feelings too.
“I’m so glad you’re starting to accept yourself, Taemin-ah. I’ve always wanted for you to not judge yourself so much… To understand that you’re just a person too, with your own feelings. This world… It makes you see yourself as a thing sometimes, you know that. You have to pretend that everything is fine all the time, that you don’t get upset, or angry, or frustrated. You don’t have to accept everything, and I’m glad that you’re also showing more of that to them. I know not everyone will appreciate that, but those who truly care about you will be more relieved too. You have kept everything to yourself for too long, Taemin-ah. It’s not fair.”
Taemin’s eyes filled with tears and he gave Jonghyun a sad smile, followed by a shaky sigh. “It wasn’t easy… To have the best experience of my life and at the same time to have so many misunderstandings. It was like one thing after the other since the beginning of the year and I was just so tired at one point. I felt that I should just be quiet, say as little as possible, and I tried that… But the truth is that it’s not what I want, because I know that not everyone is like that. You know how much I appreciate this connection with them. And even after everything, not only this year, but after everything since the beginning, when I think about everything, I truly feel that it’s still worth it to keep trying. I will keep expressing my feelings in the way I want to, and I can only hope that those who support me will at least try to understand. And if they can’t understand, just… Acknowledge my feelings. Respect me as a person, because I don’t think I’m disrespecting anyone.”
Jonghyun gently brushed away Taemin’s tears with his fingers. Once again, he was so touched to actually see Taemin starting to accept that he deserves to be treated as a human. More than that, to see Taemin loving himself to the point that he respects himself enough to not accept being treated like that. It was so sad that it happened after so much suffering, but it happened, it wasn’t too late, and Jonghyun knew that Taemin would get there. He needed to understand that on his own, after accepting himself, being himself, loving himself. Jonghyun was always there for him, telling him what he thought Taemin needed to hear, but he knew that most things in life you need to understand on your own, it’s the only way to truly keep it in the heart and carry it through life.
“You’re not disrespecting anyone, Taemin-ah. You can be sure of that. And you should never apologize for being yourself, for expressing your feelings and disappointments. I know the path isn’t easy, but I want you to know that I’m walking with you through it until the end. You have been doing so well, and I’m so glad to see all of your hard work. And I want you to know that even when you feel that you didn’t go forward, I’m going to be here to remind you that every day you are still trying, and that’s enough.”
Taemin suddenly hugged Jonghyun so hard that he fell on top of him. But what made Jonghyun’s heart beat faster was Taemin’s smile. He couldn’t help but smile too, because Taemin’s happiness will always be Jonghyun’s happiness too. Because he would do everything to see that smile even more. Because if there’s someone who deserves happiness and love, it’s Taemin. It’s the most beautiful person he has ever met, not only from the outside, but his heart. His genuine kindness. His beautiful soul.
“Hyung, I’m truly happy. I mean it. It doesn’t mean that everything is okay, or that I’m not going to face more hardships. It just means that I can see clearly the things that are worth fighting for. It means that I truly feel the love I receive from people, that I accept myself enough to know that I deserve this love, and that I’m worthy of it. I want to be better and I’ll keep trying every day, until the end. And I want to thank you, for being by my side even when it’s hard. With you, I felt stronger, in a way that I always had someone honestly believing in myself. Someone who saw me just as I am and still admired me. You give me strength every day and I will keep doing everything that I can to make you feel the same way too.”
Jonghyun couldn’t feel more happy. He also knew that things maybe could never get easier for Taemin and also for himself, but to know that he wasn’t alone also made him feel more confident. It didn’t mean that everything was okay, it didn’t mean that the pain was gone, but in that moment, looking into Taemin’s eyes, it hurt less, and in that moment, it was enough.
And with his heart filled with love and gratitude there was only one thing he could say to Taemin:
“Always be with you, Taemin-ah.”