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Part 2
Alarms ring through the night sky as Eddie runs barefoot down the empty desert highway. The blaring noise didn’t sound like an air raid used for tornadoes. It was more like the sound of a facility alarm, like the ones used in military hospitals he had the displeasure of hearing when Shannon was in labor. Back then it felt like a bad omen and it was no different here. Eddie’s feet pounded against the faded asphalt as ran as fast as he could towards the flood lights that swept the L.A. skylight. He knew he had to get there urgently, but he wasn’t sure where exactly. He kept running, his lungs burning, his feet sore and probably bleeding. Instead of seeing the beginnings of neighborhoods, there was only one building looming in front of him, the smoking medical facility that had trapped the rest of the 118.
“No, Bobby.” He rasped, out of breath.
The scene was void of any of the military hazmats or firefighters. The trucks and engines parked with flashing lights unmanned, the sound of invisible helicopters overhead. He passed it all and ran straight through the plastic contamination tunnel to the front doors. It was hazy with flickering emergency lights lining the hallway walls. There were no maps or directions to anywhere but he knew what he was looking for was in the lowest floor of the building.
“Bobby, I’m coming!” Eddie slammed through the stairwell doors. He stumbled as reached the bottom floor, his palms hitting the entrance door to catch himself. He swore he could hear Buck screaming.
“Oh God, no!” He gasped as he yanked the metal door open. “I have to get there. Please let me get there!”
It was dark and cold, and a part of him knew he should have a hazmat suit, but he couldn’t care when he was so close. He found himself in front of a closed off room with wide windows looking in to a lab that was blown to bits. Glass shards and medical equipment lay askew in pieces. Eddie pressed up against it scanning the room and saw face down on the ground who he was looking for.
“No!” Eddie pounded his fist against the tempered glass. The turncoat stating in bold yellow letters the last name of his Captain. “Bobby!” He screamed. Blood began to spread out from under him, reaching the separating glass wall.
Eddie slid onto his knees as the blood defied physics and started to rise up the glass wall, blocking the view of the fallen father figure. Eddie’s forehead hit the glass helplessly. “I’m sorry, I should have been here. I was supposed to be here.”
Hot tears rolled down his cheeks. The alarms became distorted and muted. The smoke became thicker and consumed the other side of the room. “I couldn’t save you either. What am I doing?” He sobbed. “Why can’t I save the people I love?”
A bloody hand slammed in front of his face, splattering the blood away from the area. Eddie fell onto his backside in shock. The wall cracked along with the impact creating a spiderweb of fractures. Eddie shook his head with despair.
“Bobby?” He whispered, watching the spread of cracks grow until they covered the entire wall. He braced himself with a hand as his eyes creeped up as the grind and crackle of the glass gave way. The last image being a bloody hand reaching towards him as large slivers of glass fell straight down him.
Eddie shot up from bed trying to block what had almost impaled him. He let out a breath he must have been holding for a minute. His breath burst out him as he ran a hand through his sweaty hair. He glanced at the red light digital clock on the bedside table.
3:17 a.m.
This was the third time he had woken up to a vivid nightmare since returning from El Paso. All because he wasn’t here for his team, and that was because of his destructive behavior that sent his son into the ironclad arms of his parents. No matter how he looked at it, he was to blame.
You really don’t think I did everything I could to save him?
I don’t know Buck…
“I wasn’t there.”
~
The worst of the storm only lasted thirty minutes, but in the city, it’s long enough for something to go wrong. The downpour broke branches and the rain water carried them along with other unanchored items onto the streets and into the L.A. river. Of course some teenagers were hanging out near a flash flood danger zone. And of course they didn’t know about the heavy storm blowing through. So of course they were clinging to each other as they tried to not get swept away with the strong current.
Chimney was in the middle of directing Ravi and Buck to suit up with the harnesses when the girl hanging at the end of the human chain lost her grip. She screamed as she was carried down the wash way.
“We’re losing her!” Hen yelled. She hadn’t even finished her sentence before Eddie was jumping in.
It wasn’t a sixty foot drop, but the dangerous current was pulling them both to a storm drain big enough to swallow them. Still, Eddie kept swimming towards the girl, getting an arm around her as they reached the opening. He could hear Buck screaming his name and shuddered how it reminded him of his nightmare.
Most runoffs went to the L.A. river that filtered out to the coast. However, there were some sewer drains that ended with grates to catch big debris from clogging important water ways. To get stuck there trying to fight the current that brought you there and being pinned by branches and garbage was a death sentence.
And Eddie wasn’t going to let that girl meet that end. As they reached the mouth Eddie reached out and grabbed the corner of the concrete edge. He felt the sharp sting in his left shoulder as the teen pulled on it as she flailed in fear. He had a strong hold on both her and the wall but he turned to see several pieces of debris heading their way. One hit and Eddie could lose his grip on either the girl or the wall.
“Eddie!”
He looked to the embankment and saw Buck sprinting over to them while the others followed a ways behind him. Eddie tried to shout to stay back and ended up with a mouthful of water. His head went under for a second before he was able to propel himself up again.
“Eddie, just hold on!” Buck came up to the edge but there was a good five feet dividing them.
“Buck you stay right there until we anchor Ravi!” Chimney warned. “I’m not losing anybody else! Eddie, we’re coming to you!” He shouted.
All Eddie could do was nod, but he saw out of the corner of his eye a significantly large tree branch heading right at them. Ravi was tying a safety line around the metal barrier on the street above the drain. He then hooked himself with a line connected to Buck who began to wade into the torrential river.
Their eyes connected and suddenly everything went silent around him. The pain lessened in his arms and shoulder. His lungs were not seizing up from the lack of air. All he focused on was Buck who somehow managed to make it into the water without losing balance. He waded close and reached the storm drain.
“Give me your hand.” Buck stretched out his hand.
“Take the girl first! If I let go, we both go.” Eddie shouted back.
“I’ll catch you!” Buck’s voice sounded slightly shrilled trying to compete with the rushing waters. “Do you trust me?”
Eddie trusted Buck with everything he holds dear. Trust was never a problem. Little did Buck know, he had a hold of Eddie’s heart in more ways than one. Eddie nodded, determined. “I trust you.”
He let go and stretched his hand out. The vice grip of Buck’s hand covered his. “I got you!” He cried out.
“All right everyone! Pull!” Captain Han ordered as three other firefighters helped Ravi, Hen, and Chimney pull the other three out of danger. Eddie’s legs kicked desperately as he turned to check on the teenager who emerged from the drain, sputtering but doing her best to swim towards safety.
“Duck!” Eddie shouts to the girl as the tree branch comes at them. The giant branch’s smaller limbs scratch and whip against Eddie’s cheek as the girl takes a dive to avoid the largest part. She surfaces when the coast is clear.
He knows everything will be alright when he feels the strong hold of Buck’s arm wrap around his waist. It’s the best anchor he’s ever felt in his life. In the figurative storm of life, Buck has always kept Eddie’s tiny ship safe and upright. If only Eddie could have done the same for Buck when-
“We’ve got you!” Hen yells over the roll of thunder. “Grab the girl!”
Two of the other firefighters reach out and pull the girl onto land. Hen begins to check her out. Eddie stumbles a little but doesn’t fall and he realizes Buck’s still holding him.
“Are you okay?” Buck’s voice sounded husky close to his ear. Eddie’s throat seem to stop working as he looked into the bluest eyes he’d ever seen.
“What did I tell you about jumping before I give an order Diaz?” Chimney’s voice interrupted the moment.
“I had to Cap.” Was all Eddie could think to say. His brain was still processing the closeness of his best friend.
Chimney huffed with annoyance. “We’ll discuss that back at the station. How’s the girl Hen?”
“She’s stable. I’ll get her checked out at the hospital for any water intake and scratches.”
“I think Eddie should get checked out too.” Buck adds as he starts looking over and gingerly touching Eddie’s cheek. That’s when he suddenly finds a sharp sting as Buck’s finger glides over it.
“I’m fine. It’s just a scratch.” He tries to brush it off. He slips out of Buck’s hold as nonchalantly as possible without too much success. He catches a strange look wash over Chimney’s face.
“Then let’s go back to the station and have Buck dress your wounds.” Chimney orders.
“Cap-“
“Let’s roll out before we grow gills.” Chimney cuts him off and heads the way back to the truck.
Eddie finds himself standing looking quite pathetic in the rain. Buck nudges him with a soft shoulder tap.
“You heard the Captain.”
Eddie rolled his eyes in protest but followed along with Buck close behind him. The trip back was filled with a tense quietness. Eddie knew he was still having trouble taking Chimney as Captain and couldn’t hold back his sassiness. It’s not his fault, he learned it from his sisters. Or maybe it’s just him. Maybe he’s always had a hard time biting back remarks, even to his own parents who justifiably deserve them.
After a quick reprimand from Chimney and a sentence of being man behind for the next few calls he finds Buck sitting at the ready in the locker room with a med bag open and Eddie’s backup uniform laying out. Eddie lets out a tired sigh of slight annoyance.
Buck’s face however was stern. “First you should shower and wash off all that mud and grime. Then get changed into a dry uniform. I’m going to check you for additional wounds and bruises while you dress and tend to that cut.”
“Yes, mother.” Eddie replied sarcastically. Normally Eddie didn’t mind clipboard Buck but today he was feeling at his limit with the lack of sleep and that fatigue of the last call.
“You think this is funny?” Buck’s eyebrows lifted and his voice tight.
“I think you’re taking this a bit too seriously. I made it, the kid made it. We’re here so no need to freak out.” Eddie tried to calm him down but only seemed to do the opposite.
“How could you think I wouldn’t freak out with you down there, drowning.” Buck’s voice grew angry.“It’s the well all over again.”
“That’s a little excessive. I’m okay, everything’s fine.”
“Everything’s not fine! You’ve been taking too many risks! Ever since you came back, you’ve been running full speed into every call. Jumping before you look over the bridge, running into that collapsing warehouse fire,” Buck’s stare burning into Eddie’s eyes, “diving into a runoff sewer without properly securing a line and getting swept away to a watery dead end.”
“And I’m okay.” Eddie reiterated.
“What are you running from Eddie?” The question throws Eddie for a loop. For once he doesn’t have a quick retort on standby.“Is it Bobby?” He presses.
“No.” Eddie immediately answers although he knows it’s not entirely true. His nightmare from the night before still quite fresh in his mind. “I’m not running, I swear.”
“Then what is it? Why are throwing yourself into everything you are doing? You don’t think I haven’t seen you?” Buck stands up and corners him between the glass wall and the cabinets. “You’re not sleeping. I can tell. You are constantly testing Chimney. If you’re not careful, he’ll do more than bench you.”
“I don’t mean to. I- I don’t know what’s going on with me, alright?” Eddie snaps. Buck stands his ground but his look softens and Eddie knows he’s about to crumble to those puppy dog eyes. It’s easy, he tells himself. Just give in to him.
“I just feel like, if I don’t jump head first, if I’m not there in time I..” Eddie’s voice gets stuck in his throat.
“You’ll lose them.” Buck finishes for him. He reaches for Eddie’s damp shoulder. “Eddie, I remember what you said to me six months ago.”
Eddie did too. How could he forget that argument in his kitchen late at night? They were both worn down and raw with emotion from so many things. Words were said that shouldn’t have been said, that could have been said better. Things that should have been told before that night. It reminded Eddie of the last few nights with Shannon back in Texas. Then she had left, except Eddie had gotten a head start and left first.
This time no one left. Both Buck and Eddie had worked through it. They both stayed. And Eddie got to bring Christopher back to him. But still, something was different between them. Even after they had patched things up, it was as if that night their souls were bared, naked and defenseless. Each had witnessed themselves at their most vulnerable. And now they couldn’t unsee that nakedness. Not that they had never seen each other cry or break, but they had let their pain rage against each other like that, and yet neither one broke. Eddie had laid awake all night playing it over and over in his head, unable to sit right with any of it. He could hear Buck shifting restlessly in the bedroom. They both were going to do something to heal the other. Eddie had just gotten a head start on it.
Still, something felt unfinished.
“You said to me you would never get to know if you would have been able to make a difference in Bobby’s death.” Buck gently squeezed his shoulder. “Do you feel like you have to do some kind of penance for it?”
“I don’t know.” Eddie admitted. “Rationally I know it wouldn’t have changed a thing, but I can’t help but feel like I failed. I left and I failed all of you. In my dreams I run into that building again and again, but nothing changes. Yet, I can’t dream of anything else. I don’t know what to do to change this nightmare. So I just try to save as many people I can and hope I find some peace.”
“But you’re being reckless Eddie. You just got Christopher back, you don’t want him to lose his last parent do you?” Buck questions him.
I’m not his last parent.
“Of course not, I want to spend as much time as I can with him on this Earth. But I don’t know what to do.” Eddie wipes a hand over his face.
Buck nods and smiles as he lets go. “Shower first, dry clothes, and let me take care of you.”
Eddie feels his heart crack and gives a soft chuckle. “Okay. Okay.”
~
They spend the night at Eddie’s house. Buck cooks a simple but hearty meal that makes Eddie smile despite that dull throb of his cheek. They stay up talking only for a short while before the dredge of sleep covers Eddie’s eyelids.
“Get to bed.” Buck tells him and he has no energy to defy him. He watches from his bedroom doorway as Buck makes up the couch and he wants to call out and say sleep next to me. But he hasn’t the energy to. Right, that’s the reason why.
Eddie knows the dream will come again as he can already hear the alarms echoing in his ear before his head hits the pillow. It doesn’t take long to find himself on that empty interstate highway, barefoot and breathless, heading for that building of death and doom. He reaches the flashing lights and buzzing blades overhead. Through the plastic tunnel and down the stairs. He slaps his hands against the metal door leading to the inevitable. He opens the door.
And he stops.
Straight down leads to Bobby’s body. Eddie looks to the right. He hears Buck’s scream. For once he forces his body to go towards Buck’s voice. And he goes. He’s not familiar with this dark route that seems to be more like a cave than a utility hallway. A thin stream of water leads him further down, the light of the hallway barely reflecting the way on the still surface. The sirens fade, the smoke clears and Buck’s voice grows closer.
He finds him on the ground digging in wet earth. “Buck?”
Buck is crying and clawing at the ground. Eddie reaches him and tries to stop him. “Buck, stop.”
“No! I have to save him!” He wails.
“Save him?” Eddie tries to pull at him again. “Bobby’s dead. You can’t save him.”
“Neither can you.” Buck says back to him. “But it’s not Bobby I’m trying to reach.”
Eddie looks down at the futile attempt of a hole made with Buck’s hands. Is it really any different to Eddie charging into that room with nothing but his bloody feet and fists? Eddie kneels beside Buck and grabs his mud crusted hands. He swallows hard.
“Who are you trying to reach?”
Buck looks into his eyes. “You Eddie. I’m trying to reach you.”
Eddie pulls him into his arms. He feels Buck bury his face into his neck, tears trickling down his shirt. He lets himself nuzzle Buck’s temple. “I’m right here.” He whispers.
“No, you’re not.” Buck says with a sob. “You’re still there.”
Eddie pulls back confused. “What?”
Buck raises a dirty hand to cup Eddie’s wounded cheek. “You’re still there, in that room. In this sewer, in this dream.”
Eddie can hear the roar of water coming from the the other side. He tries to stand while pulling Buck up, but he won’t budge. “Come on, get up! We gotta get out of here.”
Buck shakes his head. “You can’t go that way. It’s a dead end.” He points in the other direction.
“Well we can’t stay here! We’ll drown!” Eddie growls, making another attempt at lifting the larger man. “What else are we supposed to do? Dig?”
Buck looks up at him. “Come back to me.”
Eddie hears the water getting closer as the stream beneath them begins to grow. “I don’t understand.” He looks down the darkened tunnel.
Buck starts pulling him down towards him. “Come back to me Eddie. Leave this place with me.”
“But the water.” Eddie says urgently.
“Do you trust me?”
Eddie looks back at Buck. What a question.
“Of course I do.”
Eddie gives into Buck’s embrace, pressing his forehead against Buck’s. He takes a deep breath, ready to hold it.
“You don’t need to hold your breath. Just breathe with me, like this.” Buck murmurs to him, taking a soft, slow breath and then letting it out. Eddie does the same, trying to ignore the roaring water.
“That’s it, you’re doing good. Just breathe. I’ve got you.”
Eddie feels the crack in his heart fracture more and the tears begin to flow. “I’m sorry. I should have been there.”
“No Eddie. It’s not your fault. You being here wouldn’t have changed a thing. If anything, I could have lost you too. This isn’t on you. This isn’t on either of us.” Buck’s words washed over him as the tears fell along with Buck’s, mixing together in the rising water.
“We did all we could. You’re here now, where I need you most. You’re here with us, with me. Let it go Eddie. Let go and I’ll catch you.” Buck yelled over the noise.
Eddie dared not look at the tidal wave coming at them. He closed his eyes and nodded. “Okay.”
“It’s okay, everything is going to be okay.”
~
Eddie comes to with a sniffle. He feels a strong arm around him and Buck’s soft voice in his ear. “It’s okay. Just breathe and come back to me.”
Eddie opens his eyes to the sight of the bluest eyes he’s ever seen. “Buck.” His voice wavers.
“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. We’re okay.” Buck soothes his back with a gentle caress. “Just gotta let it go now. No more running. Bobby wouldn’t want that.”
“I know, I just don’t know what else to do.” Eddie cried softly. “What am I supposed to do Buck?”
“Just hold me.” Buck replied. “Hold onto me and get some sleep. We’ll deal with tomorrow when it comes.”
Eddie pulls back a little so he can see Buck’s face a little clearer. “Then I have something to say that probably shouldn’t wait any longer. Then we can deal with it tomorrow.”
Buck gives him a puzzled looked but waits for Eddie to speak. It’s now or never, Eddie thinks.
“For the past few months, I’ve felt a change between us. These past few months have been, difficult to say the least. I’m not sure how to quite say this, so I’ll just say it.”
Eddie takes a deep breath. “You don’t have to respond or feel the same way. I just need to tell you that I love you. I’ve loved you for quite some time. I made a mess of my life a year ago, and through the move and the…loss,” Eddie paused to pass his tongue over his dry lip. “I fear that I may have made things difficult for you, for us. Not being here for you, leaving you, and not spending a lot of time with you.”
“Eddie-“ Buck started but Eddie rushed ahead.
“I want to tell you I’m sorry. I’ve should have been honest about my feelings. I should have faced them. Then none of this would have happened.” Eddie squeezed his eyes shut.
He felt the touch of Buck’s fingers against his cheek. “Hey, stop it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.”
“But I do.”
“No, you don’t. Bobby’s death isn’t your fault, it was that mad scientist. You moving away wasn’t your fault. You had to be with Christopher and your parents were holding him hostage.”
Eddie opened his eyes. “If I hadn’t screwed up with Kim and Marisol, he wouldn’t have left. I didn’t even want to be with either of them. I’ve been missing my chance at telling you how I feel for so long. When you told me about Natalia and how she knew you, I guess I kind of gave up.”
Buck shook his head. “I was stupid. That relationship barely lasted a month. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
His fingers were still caressing Eddie’s cheek. “But I understand how you would feel like that. Giving up. I too felt like that when you left. Maybe it’s partly why I had a bit of a, rebound I guess.” Buck looked away embarrassed.
“You had a what?” Eddie lifted his head at that last sentence.
“I slept with Tommy a few days after you left. It was a bit spur of the moment.” Buck rambled. “I was drunk and with Ravi and he kind of dumped Tommy on me so he could leave.”
“You called it a rebound?” Eddie said with a look of confusion. “As in what, to get over me?”
Buck blushed but nodded.
Eddie’s voice got softer. “Meaning at some point you were..”
“Under you? Ha, I wish.” Buck chuckled. “Never got the chance to.”
“Buck,” Eddie pushed past the cheesy joke. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“That I was head over heels in love with you and missed you and I had trouble coping with it? Yeah.” Buck smiled. “But, if you love me too, I would like to have a chance, you know, being under you or over you. All around you.”
Eddie felt his breath catch. Staring at this beautiful man beside him in bed. “You love me.”
“Yes, I do. So please stop rushing into crazy danger. And stop blaming yourself when bad things happen. Take it from someone who always makes it about himself, it’s not all about you. I’m learning that now, you should too.” Buck inched forward leaning closer to Eddie.
It felt like a large magnet was pulling him in closer. Not that he wanted to fight it. He closed his eyes just as he felt the warm touch of Buck’s lips to his. It was like silk and sweetness. There was a buzz that zipped through him that lit a fire in his belly and commanded his hand to wrap around Buck’s waist to close any gap there was between them. Buck hummed contently and complied.
Eddie never felt like this before. It felt right, like the first time with Shannon. Thrilling yet comforting like a warm fire of a kitchen hearth on a cold night. Yet, as much as he loved his wife, his love for Buck feels more like home than anything. It feels like stable ground beneath his feet.
They pull back just enough to see each other’s joy. Eddie lets out a happy sigh. “You don’t make it all about you. You do so much for Christopher and me. But I will try and make it all about us from here on.”
Buck grins. “What ever comes our way, we do it together. No more hiding. No more carrying the load on our own.”
Eddie nods. He curls up close with Buck and finally finds himself falling into a peaceful sleep. He dreams of a grocery run where the items he puts in his cart start making themselves into a meal. Chris laughed while Buck kept running around looking for more stuff to add. A bizarre dream but he gladly welcomes it as he has the people he loves around him.