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Dr. Karn is an asshole.
Everyone at the hospital knows this. The nurses who don’t dare look at him for longer than strictly necessary. The other doctors who seldom disagree with him because they know he’s the nephew of the director. The ambulance drivers who get snapped at on a regular basis. They all agree on one thing - Dr. Karn is an asshole who should be avoided at all costs.
Jeng knows all about Dr. Karn and his particular brand of unpleasantness. He’s had first hand experience with it since the first time they met, right after he started working at the hospital. He’s met plenty of stuck up medical students and doctors who treat dentists like him like second-class physicians but Karn’s disrespect irks him. It gnaws at his insides and makes irritation bubble up in his throat.
Jeng prides himself on being a pretty positive guy. A fair and attentive doctor to his patients and colleagues, a supportive friend and nice guy to strangers. So the fact that even the smallest glimpse of Karn in the canteen or across the parking lot is enough to turn Jeng into a scowling, grumbling mess makes his dislike for Karn even stronger. So strong in fact that even the sole mention of Karn’s name elicits a hefty eye roll from Jeng.
It started small - this dislike that’s made itself a home in Jeng’s mind. Silent treatment here, dismissive looks in front of their colleagues there. Nothing Jeng couldn’t handle at first. Nothing he wasn’t used to when dealing with most doctors that weren’t dentists themselves. Then it slowly escalated to Karn stealing the parking spot Jeng had taken a liking to - and he still swears Karn deliberately started coming into work earlier than Jeng just to steal his parking spot - and somehow always buying the last piece of Khanom Chan in the canteen before Jeng can get to it.
He wouldn’t even put it past Karn to pull some strings and play into his connections at the hospital to make sure their dentistry department got the shittiest coffee maker in the entire hospital. That’s just who Karn is. The bane of Jeng’s existence for the past two years.
That is until his third year at the hospital when a string of strange happenings changes things quite dramatically between them.
The first time something happens that Jeng would put firmly into the weird category when it comes to interactions between him and Karn is when he’s combing through a medical journal and stumbles across an interview of the director together with Dr. Karn and Dr. Tapfah, as the respective heads of their departments.
Okay, maybe stumbles is the wrong word for it since he actively sought it out but that’s only because reading medical journals and publications is part of his job and he was curious about what the director had to say. It definitely has nothing to do with Dr. Karn and Jeng’s curiosity about whether his slimy and arrogant attitude translates to the written word as well.
In his defense, Jeng actually really likes reading the insight and knowledge Dr. Tapfah conveys in the interview. He’s precise and to the point with every question he’s asked about his work in critical care and it’s interesting to read for someone so far away from that as Jeng. It’s just a shame that he also has to read Karn’s view on things in the process.
He skips the questions that are of no interest to him - financial decisions the director breaks down and news from the board of directors that Karn is a part of - until he skims across something he’s sure he misread. His own name. Right there in black block letters next to his position at the hospital.
He has to read the paragraph containing his name a couple of times before the meaning of the words actually sinks in for him; the combination seems too foreign for him to grasp. But it’s real. It‘s a mention. From Karn. More than that, it could almost be read as praise.
Karn is talking about the advancements and research aspect of their hospital and the projects the different departments are working on to bring patients better and faster results. And then, completely unprompted, he brings up Jeng’s research, on a new machine that’s supposed to make X-Rays less invasive for patients, that he’s been conducting for quite a while now. He highlights Jeng in particular, singling him out in a bid to convey their dedication to the patients and Jeng has to sit in astonishment for a moment.
He wasn’t even aware that Karn knows he’s researching anything, let alone that he knows the intricacies of said research. But apparently he does. Enough to talk about it in front of the director to a medical journalist. It seems so unlike Dr. Karn to hand out credit to others, to Jeng in particular.
He supposes as a member of the board of directors Karn must have firsthand knowledge of the types of research going on at the hospital. Hell, he probably had to sign off on the funding for it - even though Jeng bets he probably voted against it just because it was Jeng doing the research - so it really shouldn’t surprise him.
He chalks it up as a selfish action. Just something he did that Karn now gets to use to put himself and the hospital in a better light.
Yeah. That must be it.
The next time his view of Karn gets shaken up a bit is a couple of weeks later away from the hospital when he quite literally gets knocked off-balance and falls down a set of stairs.
He’s supposed to accompany his brother on something he claimed was definitely not a date but felt suspiciously like a date the entire evening. They’re at a giant night market that sprawls out over several different floors that has everything you could even think of buying. And even though he lost his brother over an hour ago somewhere on the first floor, Jeng isn’t in a hurry to rush back home.
He’s had a busy week at the hospital and he just wants to relax and turn off his brain for a few hours. He walks past vendors selling trinkets, jewelry and even stops here and there to look at some new clothes even though he spends most of his time wearing scrubs. There’s a welcome breeze in the air and the Bangkok heat is manageable thanks to the rain earlier in the day.
It’s nice.
Jeng is just about to head towards one of the many food stalls to get himself something to eat before he heads home, his right hand reaching into his pocket to fish out his phone to text his brother, when someone suddenly bumps into him from behind. The impact knocks him forward and with his hand still trapped in the confines of his shorts, there’s no way for him to reach out and grip the railing in a desperate attempt to stay upright.
Instead, he falls forward without a warning; only just remembering to turn halfway to the side so that he doesn’t faceplant onto steps. With his luck he’d otherwise lose a couple of teeth and become a patient for one of his colleagues.
Pain shoots through his arm when it makes contact with the ground beneath him and Jeng already knows there’s going to be one hell of a bruise tomorrow. At least he manages to keep his head from smashing against the asphalt, although the crick in his neck won’t be great to work with tomorrow either.
There’s a long moment where he just lays there, halfway sprawled down the stairs, the pain in his arm and shoulder clouding his senses enough so that he barely makes out the profuse apologies from the girl corralling her drunk boyfriend away from him before he crashes into even more people. He blindly reaches for the railing to pull himself upright again when he makes contact with another hand, another one wrapping around his biceps to pull him up.
“Dr. Jeng. Are you alright?“
It takes a second for his pain-riddled brain to connect the voice to its owner, because surely that can’t be right. There’s no way he just painfully and even worse embarrassingly managed to fall down a flight of steps in front of Dr. Karn of all people. Oh, he’s going to have a field day with this Jeng just knows it.
Jeng reluctantly opens his eyes once he’s sat upright again, thankful that the world before him doesn’t spin and he can rule out a possible concussion. Small mercies and all that. Karn is perched in front of him, eyebrows pinched together and one of his hands still holding onto Jeng’s biceps. His eyes are roaming over Jeng’s face and then, once he’s seemingly satisfied that there are no damages to his face, lock onto his throbbing arm.
It gives Jeng the opportunity to look at Karn. To really take him in. Naturally, he’s out of his usual scrubs or suit that he normally wears at work. Instead, he’s wearing a beige, soft-looking knit sweater that hugs his annoyingly slim frame just perfectly with the matching light slacks. A pair of glasses is perched on his nose - not the wire frame ones he sometimes wears at work but thick-framed, black glasses that are only accentuated by the strands of hair falling across his forehead.
If his rotten personality wouldn’t completely diminish his looks he might actually be pretty nice to look at.
Not that Jeng had ever noticed of course.
“It’s fine. It’s just a scrap.”
“Bend your arm for me a little.”
Karn’s right hand skims across the inside of Jeng’s unclothed arm until it reaches the inside of his elbow, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. His touch is careful but precise and it’s the first time Jeng gets a glimpse of Karn when he’s in action. When he’s in full doctor mode. The sight makes a strange feeling settle in the pit of his stomach. He’d examine it further if he wasn’t so occupied with the pain shooting through his lower arm.
Twisting his arm definitely stings but it doesn’t feel broken or splintered and Jeng breathes a sigh of relief that he doesn’t have to call in sick for the foreseeable future. Karn to his credit looks decidedly less concerned now that he’s bent and twisted Jeng’s arm in every possible direction and obviously must’ve come to the same conclusion. His fingers brush over the abrasions around his elbow; just featherlight touches across his skin.
“You should get these cleaned up so it won’t get infected. I have a kit in my car, it’s nearby.”
The offer makes Jeng hesitate, his arm twitching in Karn’s grip like he wants to pull it away but knows he won’t get far with Karn still holding onto him. This entire situation is already embarrassing enough. He doesn’t need to trudge behind Karn to his ridiculously expensive car and get patched up like a little kid. He’s an adult. He’s a doctor himself. He can definitely manage without Karn.
“No need. I have one too. Th- thanks though.”
He stumbles over the last two words; the feeling too foreign on his tongue. Unlike Karn though, he was raised right so he thanks the older man, slowly detaching his battered arm from Karn’s gentle grip. For a moment it almost looks like Karn wants to argue, his face twisting in a way that makes him look almost desperate. Jeng doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of bragging about this at the hospital tomorrow though.
He shuffles to his feet without accepting the hand Karn offers him and when he’s back upright, he doesn’t spare the man a second glance before he starts his strut towards his car. Only when he hits the edge of the market does he dare to turn around and look in the direction he left Karn standing. Thap and Pong have joined him now, smiling and prodding Karn with their fingers. Karn’s head is tilted to the ground so Jeng only sees the edges of a smile on his face.
They’re probably making fun of him after Karn gave them a rundown of his little accident.
Great, he’s managed to become a laughing stock for the doctors. Just his luck.
It’s stupid. It really shouldn’t affect him. These things happen and they shouldn’t be taken to heart. Jeng knows this, he’s dealt with quite a few difficult patients, but somehow he can’t shake this feeling in his chest today.
It wouldn’t even have been that bad if it hadn’t happened in front of so many other people. Other patients, people waiting for information, nurses and other doctors - they all heard the man screaming in Jeng’s face. They saw the way he stepped backwards in fear when the man pushed towards him. Watched as the security eventually escorted the man out before he could do any real damage.
Still. His words lingered in Jeng’s head. His own hands kept shaking for hours after and his secretary had to cancel and reschedule all appointments he had left for that day. Instead, he sat staring at the dentist chair, somewhere stuck between convincing himself this wasn’t down to him and drowning in self-doubt.
He actually hadn’t done anything wrong but no matter how often Jeng tried to explain to the man that he wasn’t responsible for rejecting the man’s payment the more enraged he got. He hated not being able to help people who needed his help, but he also had to adhere to hospital policy. And unfortunately that meant rejecting people who couldn’t pay the insurance for their treatment.
To add insult to injury, news about the outburst seemed to travel at lightning speed apparently and by the time Jeng came to work the next day, still a bit shaken but decidedly more put together, it seems like there’s no one who hasn’t heard about what happened on his floor the day before.
Some of the nurses ask him how he’s doing, faces twisted into a mixture of sympathy and hunger for gossip. Some doctors turn their heads towards him in the canteen and then stick their heads together to talk in hushed voices. The director of all people sends out a suspiciously timed e-mail about revising their security measures for each department and hiring more personnel to protect the hospital workers.
By the time his last appointment for the day is coming up he’s just about done with this day. He’s exhausted, bone-deep tired, and he can’t wait to drive home, open a beer and watch mindless television so he doesn’t have to think about this day anymore.
He just quickly needs to jot something down on his computer when he stops dead in his tracks the moment he steps into his little office. There’s something on his desk. Something that definitely wasn’t there when he was last in here right after lunch. He can’t make it out completely, only the vague shape and color visible from his place inside the doorframe.
For a moment he ponders whether he should call someone; security maybe. He’s still a bit on edge after yesterday and something appearing in his office out of the blue is strange. Has that man come back to threaten him with something?
Jeng takes a few steps towards his desk, just enough to get a closer look at the thing sitting idle in front of his desktop. His eyebrows draw together once he makes out what it is, mouth dropping slightly open in surprise.
It’s a plate - one of the off-white ones from the cafeteria - and on top of it sits a perfectly-cut piece of Khanom Chan. Its vibrant green is reflecting the light from above and the layers are clearly defined. He instantly recognizes it’s a piece from the canteen, which is even more confusing because by the time he went there to get a piece to cheer himself up they were out of Khanom Chan. Again.
Who the hell would bring him a piece to his office? Who would even know he likes to eat this but never gets to because Karn constantly buys the last one from under his nose?
Who did this?
There’s a piece of yellow sticking out from underneath the plate, one of the sticky notes he personally hates because he constantly loses them but the other doctors love to use. It’s a short note, accentuated with a small smiley face drawn in black pen. Hope this cheers you up. The handwriting is scraggly, the letters almost so unreadable that he instantly knows it was a doctor who wrote this note.
His secretary had been his immediate first thought but her handwriting is a lot neater than this. He isn’t that close to the other dentists on the floor so one of them bringing him a piece of cake to cheer him up would be even weirder, if not impossible. Come to think of it, anyone at the hospital bringing him something to cheer him up is definitely not ordinary.
Yes, he eats lunch with his immediate colleagues and he’s friendly enough with Thap and Pong - despite their proximity to someone whose descriptor as Jeng’s mortal enemy seems more and more appropriate - whenever he sees them, but he‘s not close to the people here. Not close enough for them to know that what happened yesterday might affect him more than he lets on on the outside.
“Dr. Jeng? Your next patient is ready for you.“
The sound of his secretary startles Jeng out of his confused stupor; his eyes flitting to her standing in the doorway with a file in her hand. Her eyes dip down; first to the note in his hand and then to the cake itself and there’s a slight twist to her face like she thinks this situation is somehow amusing instead of weird.
“Do you know who put this here?“
“I didn’t see. I’m sorry.“
It’s a blatant lie. Her face betrays her just as much as the tone of her voice does, but she also looks like she won’t tell him who it was no matter how much Jeng might try to dig for it. Huh. He feels like that in and of itself should be a clue.
Without any deeper thought to it he sticks the note to the edge of his computer screen while reaching for the little spoon to take a bite of the Khanom Chan, deciding that if it turns out to be poisoned after all, he’s at least already at the hospital. He doesn’t have time to ponder this any further. He has a job to do.
The last thing on his mind when he closes the door to his office, choosing to lock it for the first time in forever, is that the note turned out to be right. It did cheer him up.
Jeng isn’t really sure what he’s supposed to be doing here. And he’s a bit terrified to find out.
He’s on his way to the ER in quick paces, almost breaking into a jog the second he steps out of the elevator on the ground floor. He got the frantic message a couple of minutes ago - “Dr. Karn needs you in the ER urgently“ - and Jeng knows it’s not the sort of request you can ignore. Even if it comes from Dr. Karn. Definitely not if it comes from Dr. Karn.
It’s surprisingly calm when he steps into the room; so unlike what he thought the ER would be like. He hasn’t been here in a long time, it’s not really his field of work, and the lack of chaos almost feels wrong. Instead of doctors and nurses screaming over each other, demanding instruments and shouting instructions he can only hear a few select voices, who commandeer each little section with authority and calm.
One of the nurses steps out of a section of the room that’s blocked off with blue curtains and her eyes are fierce when she meets Jeng’s across the room.
“Dr. Jeng. Here.“
She provides him with a fresh set of face mask and gloves, antiseptic being applied before she leads him to the patient and pulls back the curtain. The first thing that hits him is the color red. There’s a lot of blood everywhere - on the patient that’s lying on the stretcher before him, on the swabs of cotton and gauzes that get soaked in a matter of seconds and all over the front of Karn’s body; his scrubs adorned with splotches of dark liquid.
It’s a shocking sight to someone who’s not used to seeing this much blood coming from a patient and the sheer sight stops Jeng dead in his tracks, wiping his mind clean from thoughts. The neck of the man lying on the stretcher is stabilized but free for one of the nurses to pump the tube to give the man oxygen but even from his place a few steps away Jeng feels it a moot point considering the state of the man’s jaw.
It’s bad. Really bad. He’s obviously been in some kind of accident, judging by the state of his injuries, and the image is too much to process for Jeng.
„Jeng. Jeng!“
Karn’s voice cuts through the chaos in his mind like a scalpel, silencing the wild thoughts floating around and making him focus entirely on the other doctor for the first time he’s been behind the curtain. To his surprise, Karn doesn’t look impatient or annoyed at Jeng’s lack of focus. Instead, his eyes are bright and intent, catching and holding Jeng’s attention.
“I need your help here. We can’t bring him into surgery until his jaw is stabilized. The right side is worse. He’s missing his back teeth and the jawbone has come through so he’s bleeding a lot. I need you to do what you can, okay?“
He’s meticulous in the way he relays the most important details back to Jeng; assertive but still calm and collected. Jeng’s mind on the other hand is already barreling through all the things he has to keep in mind and that can go wrong here. He doesn’t do emergency surgeries like this and the sheer thought of doing one right now sends cold sweat down his back.
„But I’ve never-“
“You’re more of an expert on this than I am right now. You can do this. Breathe and then get to work.“
Jeng is completely thrown for a second. Karn doesn’t just hand out praise to others. He doesn’t just admit to not being best at something. He doesn’t gently coax others into action and the fact that he’s doing it to Jeng of all people brings that unfamiliar feeling back to the pit of his stomach; this swooping sensation like he’s on a ship on rocky waves.
Their eyes meet for just a few moments but it almost feels like an entire conversation is playing out before him. A conversation so unlike their previous interactions; void of animosity or power struggles while they’re in the field together now. Jeng understands with stark clarity that it’s not about them right now, it’s about doing what they’re both in this job for - helping people.
So Jeng does what Karn said to do. He takes a deep breath and springs into action. Joining Karn’s side at the head of the gurney and giving instructions to the nurses himself. He chances a look at Karn just before he’s about to make the first cut; his fingers gripping the scalpel with a steady grip that defies his unsteady nerves.
He’s expecting to finally find some annoyance in the man’s eyes, maybe even urging Jeng on in impatience. What he finds though is Karn’s eyes already on him and the look in his eyes is far from annoyed. Jeng doesn’t dare to label it as awe or anything close to it, but it’s silent support at least. Karn gives him a minuscule nod, just barely there for Jeng to see, and it’s enough to push Jeng that last bit forward. To make him jump into action.
Jeng isn’t sure how long it takes to secure the man’s wounds enough to get him to surgery. It could be just minutes he and Karn are working side by side, sharing space like a well-oiled machine, or it could very well be hours they’re treating wounds and sewing skin. It almost feels like they’ve never done anything else, like they’ve always worked in silent tandem.
And it does work successfully.
They stabilize the man to the best of their abilities. Jeng manages to stop the bleeding in his mouth even though his jaw is completely shattered on one side, removing sharp pieces of tooth little by little. While Karn clamps arteries in arm and leg and makes sure the broken bones of the man’s shattered knee won’t cause further damage to the man’s insides.
After a while one of the nurses joins them back behind the curtain; strands of hair falling out of her otherwise sleek ponytail.
“Dr. Karn? The CT is ready now.“
Jeng doesn’t need to be an emergency care doctor to know that the man likely has internal bleeding from such a serious accident and their entire work here is just so that they can get the man stable enough to get him into the CT scan to locate the internal damage. After that, it’s down to the specialists to keep fighting for the man - orthopedic doctors, surgeons, critical care doctors.
Karn lifts his head across the table to search Jeng’s face for the indication that he needs more time but Jeng can alleviate his worries. He has done all he can for now. He has stitched and cleaned up everything he can and he’s satisfied with the result. It‘s the best he could do in this unfamiliar situation.
“Take him. I’ve done all I can.“
Karn doesn’t wait for further info; he nods and addresses the nurses with instructions to transport the patient up to the CT scan. His voice is urgent and steady but not unfriendly or harsh and it’s the first time today that Jeng realizes that Karn isn’t at all like his reputation makes him out to be. He isn’t abrupt with the nurses, he doesn’t shout or ignore questions. He’s controlled and short, yes, but he isn’t the big, scary doctor he’s made out in rumors.
He’s different from what Jeng thought he would be.
Jeng is left standing at the back of the room when the curtain is pulled back and Karn together with three nurses get ready to wheel the patient towards the elevators. He feels lost again, torn between wanting to come with them and continue to see Karn in action and wanting to walk away while the EKG is still beeping steadily and the situation hasn’t turned sour yet.
He hadn’t been able to focus on Karn at all just then, too wrapped up in his own work and movements to pay attention, and it somehow feels like he missed out on something. That he had a rare opportunity to watch Karn in all his infamy and glory that won’t come around again. The thought makes a strange feeling of regret settle in his chest; right under his heart.
“Jeng? You did really well. Be proud of yourself.“
Karn doesn’t wait for his reaction, instead joining the nurses in pushing the gurney away from them, leaving a stunned Jeng in his wake. The feeling in his chest starts to spread, splaying through his body and warming his core. It’s embarrassment, it has to be. Being praised like a kid by his colleague in front of people who are supposed to see him as professional. His ears are hot and his cheeks are no doubt tinged in a slight pink.
It doesn’t feel like embarrassment though. It feels so akin to a feeling he hasn’t felt in quite some time. So close to something he doesn’t dare think about, because surely it can’t be that.
It simply can’t be so Jeng takes a deep breath, lets himself be proud of accomplishing something he didn’t think he would and decides to store away the feeling in his chest somewhere far away and out of reach.
Ignoring it, it seems, is the best course of action for now.
The elevators are a sacred part of the hospital. They’re used as a refuge for the doctors and nurses when the shift is especially heinous, as a place to butter up the seniors who happen to ride along on that day and the best place to hear the latest bit of gossip.
Jeng has spent a lot of time in these elevators in his past three years at the hospital; no less because the dentistry department is on the sixth floor of the building, two under the rooftop terrace. He’s used to blending out most of the gossip he hears. He isn’t that interested in hearing the nurses gush about Dr. Pong’s cop boyfriend or the latest news about who hooked up with who in their spare time.
He mostly sticks to his corner of the elevator; mind on his schedule for the day and zoning out while the rest of the people become background noise. It’s exactly what he’s doing right now, wondering if he has enough free time between appointments to slink off to lunch early, when the mention of a name cuts through his thoughts like a knife.
Dr. Karn.
Jeng isn’t really proud of the speed with which his head snaps up at the mention of Karn’s name, trying to tune into the conversation revolving around the man. He isn’t even sure why he wants to know what they’re talking about. He likes to think it’s ammunition, maybe, rumors he can poke fun at Karn for. But in the past half year he’s been continuously proven wrong about almost every rumor he has previously heard about the man so he isn’t sure how much use this elevator gossip would be to him after all.
Two of the nurses from the emergency care department are huddled next to him, clad in scrubs and holding different colored files in both hands. Their heads are pushed close together but their voices are just a tad too loud for their conversation to be a secret. So really, you can’t blame Jeng for listening to them. It definitely has nothing to do with the topic of their conversation.
Definitely not.
„-I think he was in there with the patient for over an hour. Someone had to step in and get him out.“
“Right. I’ve never seen him like that.“
Dread settles like a brick in the pit of Jeng’s stomach; a cold shiver running down his back in anticipation. Something happened at the ER. Something with Karn.
Jeng has never heard anything about Karn being anything less than cool and detached, not thinking of his patients as anything more than that and leaving his care for them behind the moment he steps over the threshold of the emergency department. But that image doesn’t fit with the Karn he worked alongside in the ER the other day. Hell, he himself had been under Karn’s attentive, careful watch when he scraped his arm.
The gentle way in which he had inspected Jeng’s wounds that day, the way he had the forethought of bringing in Jeng to help with his patient so he could bring the best care to his patient, the fact Jeng knows he’s constantly attending conferences on new treatment techniques and equipment - that isn’t the behavior of someone who doesn’t care about his patients at all.
The two nurses step out on the next floor and over the course of the following few stories so do the other people in the elevator with him. Jeng doesn't though. He passes by the floor housing the cafeteria without getting off and even lets the sixth floor and his office roll by without moving towards the doors. He has a feeling, a maybe subconscious knowledge, where Karn might be right now.
He isn’t even sure what he should do if he’s right, if he can find Karn. He doesn’t even like the guy and he sure as hell doesn’t think Karn would want to see him of all people if he’s in a bad frame of mind right now. But something inside of him is telling him to go check on him. His limbs are itching to reach Karn and make sure he’s okay.
He doesn’t feel comfortable investigating that particular feeling right now.
Instead of getting off on one of the other floors, he steps out on the eighth floor and heads towards the rooftop garden. He knows Karn and Thap like to come out here at times; there have been quite a few instances where Jeng had brought his own lunch with the purpose of eating it here outside, only to grumble and scurry off when Karn and Thap would join him and act like they had been there first.
It’s a long shot, but it’s the only thing he has to go on right now. If Karn isn’t up here, he will simply forget about this and go back to his office.
He’s about to reach the heavy, dark double doors leading out to the terrace when they’re pushed open before he can even reach out his hand and Dr. Thap walks almost directly into his line of sight. Their eyes meet almost immediately and the doctor tilts his head to the side like he’s surprised to run into Jeng here right now.
Jeng looks past him for just a moment, leaning his entire body to the side to catch a glimpse of the man standing near the railing outside with his back turned towards the door. Thap follows his movements; head moving towards his shoulder to see what Jeng is looking at. For some reason, Jeng wants to defend himself for being here, for coming here with the purpose of seeking Karn out. The words are already climbing up into his throat but nothing comes out when their gazes meet again.
They’re not friends, Kant and him, and him showing up here when Thap doesn’t even know how Jeng knows about anything that happened definitely looks weird. Out of the ordinary. Jeng doesn’t even have an explanation for it either should Thap ask what he’s doing here. He doesn’t think „something inside my chest is telling me to go see him“ is a reasonable explanation for Thap.
Before Jeng can say anything though, Thap starts walking again, stopping for a second when he’s almost past Jeng. He rests a hand on Jeng’s shoulder, almost like he’s a coach sending his best player onto the field.
“He might talk to you. Good luck.“
With that he leaves Jeng alone; only the glass of the doors and a couple of steps between him and Karn now. There’s a slight breeze in the air up here, though the Bangkok heat is still palpable and stifling. Karn is leaning his elbows on the railing; head turned towards the city in front of them. Jeng joins him against the wall; a few feet between them so as to not suffocate Karn with unnecessary closeness right now.
Karn doesn’t give any indication that he noticed Jeng joining him and from up close Jeng can see his face is void of emotions, his gaze far away and cloudy. It almost looks like he’s somewhere far away in his head, not present here at all. Jeng lets the silence stretch for a moment longer, inching closer and closer to Karn until their arms are just a few spaces apart.
“What happened today?“
The other man doesn't flinch at Jeng’s voice. He barely reacts except for his eyes that flit towards Jeng beside him. Karn doesn’t answer right away and when he eventually does Jeng can tell that he’s trying to control his voice, to keep it level and steady.
“A patient died. It’s okay, it happens.“
“Hm. I’m sorry. That must be hard.“
He doesn’t get anything else out of Karn in response. Jeng isn’t good with these kinds of situations. The risk of losing a patient is really slim for him as a dentist, but he remembers how it felt to lose someone back when he was doing his residency programme and working in surgery. It affects you. No matter how much you’re trying to be cold about it.
The silence between them stretches again. Jeng gives Karn enough room to say anything if he wants to and only when it becomes clear that Karn does want to talk but can’t bring himself to - when Jeng sees the way he’s fidgeting with his hands and bites his bottom lip - does Jeng try to take this burden off of Karn.
“You can tell me why this is different for you. If you want. I’ll listen.“
Karn lets out a long breath; his head falling down until his chin is resting on his chest. Jeng’s hands twitch and spasm in the air and he’s longing to reach out and give some sort of comfort to the man beside him. To lay his hand on his shoulder or wrap his fingers around his wrist. He doesn’t though. That would be weird. They’re not friends. They’re nothing to each other.
“His daughter was here. A little girl. I had to tell her that her father isn’t coming back to her. I should be used to it, it’s part of the job, but I almost cried with her. What kind of professional does that make me?“
“Someone who still cares. The right kind of doctor if you ask me.“
Jeng doesn’t waste a moment in answering. He needs Karn to know that it’s a good thing that this sort of thing still affects him. That he’s allowed to be affected and emotional and that it doesn’t make him any less of a professional. It just makes him human.
And isn’t that a thought he never really entertained before - Karn being an actual human being with emotions. But it suits the glimpses of the Karn he’s gotten to see the past couple of months. Someone who’s marred by a false reputation maybe. Someone who wants the best for his patients first and puts anything else second.
It’s admirable, Jeng is loath to admit.
If he were a bigger person he wouldn’t know that this sort of case would affect Karn even more because he’s an orphan himself, having grown up with his uncle instead, but because the hospital gossip works wonders he does know all about it. He must see himself in that little girl.
“I know it probably doesn’t mean much to you but I think you’re a good doctor, Karn. You’re methodical and calm and I can tell you’re always trying your best. Don’t second-guess yourself over this.“
That, at last, gets Karn to face him fully. He angles his upper body so he’s turned towards Jeng; one hand still holding onto the railing in a vice grip. His eyebrows are twisted together and there’s a look in his eyes that Jeng can’t place at all. Maybe he crossed a line with what he said. Maybe Karn couldn’t care less about what Jeng thinks of him as a doctor and this is how he shows it.
For a moment it looks like Karn is going to say something, his mouth opens and he draws in a breath, but then he closes it again, twisting it into something that almost resembles a small smile. He gives Jeng a nod instead and that’s apparently all Jeng can get out of him for now because Karn turns away from him again in an instant, going back to facing the skyscrapers and tall trees surrounding the hospital.
He tries not to be disappointed, fights hard against the feeling bubbling up inside of him. What was he expecting from Karn? A fall to his knees in gratitude? Karn hugging him and telling him thank you over and over again? That was never going to happen so Jeng doesn’t know why he expected something else, something more, from the man in front of him.
They’re not friends.
He has to tell himself these three words a lot lately.
He should leave before he embarrasses himself even more with his stupid urge to be sincere and nice to people.
„I’ll leave you to it.“
Jeng takes a step towards the doors again; a sudden urge to slink off to his office and hide away, maybe forever, overcoming him. A hand on his arm stops him in his tracks though, wrapping itself around his elbow with a light touch. He could easily shake it off, make Karn retract his hand and maybe make him feel the same embarrassment Jeng does right now, but for some reason he doesn’t. He lets Karn hold onto his arm, lets him fight through what he wants to say and waits until he can let it out.
“Jeng. Can you- would you stay another moment?“
It’s not at all what he expected and Jeng finds he can’t say no even if he tried.
They don’t talk. They simply stand next to each other for a while longer; long enough that Jeng knows he won’t have time for lunch anymore before his next appointment. But he stays. Acts as the company Karn might long for right now.
They’re not friends, he keeps reminding himself.
They’re not anything.
It’s almost nine o’clock and Jeng is more than ready to go home. He stayed an extra hour to get today’s paperwork done so he doesn’t have to waste any time and do it all tomorrow; his schedule is packed enough as it is. All there is left to do is pick up his things and trek down to the car park.
He’s already thinking about what to order himself for dinner once he gets home when there’s a knock on his office door. His secretary left soon after their last patient and the assistants should be gone already as well, since clean up doesn’t usually take that long in the evening, so Jeng doesn’t know who could end up here at this hour.
The person doesn’t wait for him to beckon them in, opening the door before Jeng can call out to them. He sits up straight when he sees who’s about to step over the threshold into his office; the Wai coming automatically once he sets eyes on the director. He rarely sees the man in person and he certainly has never seen him here in the dentistry department.
Jeng didn’t think the director knew he existed. Let alone where to find him.
“Dr., do you have a moment or are you going home?“
“No. Please, come in.“
He sits down in one of the extra chairs in front of Jeng’s desk and it makes him extra aware of how tiny and cramped his office is. He’s seen some of the other break rooms, has an idea of the sort of offices doctors like Thap and Karn get to work out of and it’s hard not to feel like a second-class doctor when he can barely fit everything he needs in this one.
But he’s definitely not about to voice this to the director.
“I heard you helped out in the ER the other week.“
A cold shiver overcomes Jeng at the mention. Karn, that bastard. Of course there’s a catch after all. Who knows what he told his uncle in order to get him to pay Jeng a visit. Oh god, he’s probably getting fired. He’ll have to move back in with his mother or worse, his brother, who’s going to be insufferable about this.
“Dr. Karn needed my help with a patient. I’m sorry if I did something wrong. The patient is doing well, I checked afterwards.“
“Calm down, Dr. Jeng. You did well.“
Jeng lets out a sigh of relief. Maybe he gets to keep his job after all. Because apparently, he did well on that case. So well that the director knows about it for some reason. So well that the director knows his name and came to tell him about it in person.
“The, uh, nurses were really impressed with how you handled everything. I had a look at the file and the report and you made good decisions, especially considering you’re not used to working in emergency care.“
The pause before specifying who told the director about that patient doesn’t go unnoticed by Jeng. He’s not stupid. A random gaggle of nurses surely doesn’t get the director to listen to any and hand out appraisal. It definitely came from Karn. The real question is what does he achieve with it?
“Thank you, director.“
“Have you ever thought about supporting the emergency unit on a more regular basis? I know they could use someone with your knowledge to consult on difficult cases.”
Supporting the emergency unit means working with Karn on a regular basis, Jeng is well-aware of that fact. It probably even means working under Karn and that is definitely not something he would ever seriously consider. He’s seeing him decidedly too often as it is at the moment. He’s not about to increase that even more by signing up to work entire shifts with the man.
Yes, the pay increase would be nice and he could even look for a bigger condo but it comes at the expense of a more or less carefree job. Could he even handle the stress of working in the emergency unit on a more regular basis? He froze and went blank the last time he was asked to help out and he couldn’t shake the worry for days after. He wasn’t lying just now. He did check up on the patient again and again. Not only because he was genuinely wondering if he made it but also because he was terrified he had done something wrong in the heat of the moment.
Making split-second decisions based on nothing more than a gut-feeling isn’t something Jeng is used to in his job. He normally has time to review X-rays and files before choosing the best plan of action. He’s not like Karn; he doesn’t have the confidence to hold patients' lives in his hands every day of the week.
It’s not for him.
“I don’t think it's right for me. I’m not experienced enough and I’m not-“
“Think about it. We can send you on trainings and you can run along with Karn a few times to get a feel for the work. Just let me know what you decide.“
He doesn’t give Jeng a lot of room to shoot him down again. Instead, he places a couple of documents on the desk in front of Jeng and gets back up. It’s a dismissal in his own office, that much is clear to Jeng. He only takes a quick glance at the papers but it’s enough to see it’s a referral for a training program for emergency dental care and he bets there’s a job offer underneath it, perfectly ready and only waiting for him to sign it.
Jeng gives him another deep Wai in respect and watches the director take his leave, anger bubbling up in him and replacing the confusion he felt before. What the hell is Karn playing at? Is he really that conniving that he would set Jeng up to fail with a job he isn’t ready for? In his own department so he can secretly laugh at Jeng? Was him telling Jeng to be proud of himself for his work in the ER just a joke? Or is this all a secret plan to get rid of Jeng? Get him a job under Karn so he can fire him and get him out of this hospital? Was his impression of Karn that day this wrong and all the rumors are try after all?
Well, Jeng isn’t going to give him that satisfaction. He's not going anywhere.
Karn will just have to deal with that.
These damn elevators.
These damn thunderstorms.
Rain is pouring outside in buckets, has been the entire day, and an hour or two ago thunderstorms and lightning joined the downpour. It’s a recipe for disaster in this hospital and just like it always happens, it fries the electricity with a single bolt of lightning, cutting off the power in parts and trapping them in the unmoving elevator.
Them in this case is him and Karn, because of course it is.
This is just Jeng’s life now. He‘s been trying to confront Karn for days but he couldn’t because Karn was away for a conference in Chiang Mai and now that the anger has almost subsided again, they find themselves trapped in an enclosed space together with nowhere to run.
“Don’t we have generators for this? Why isn’t the elevator working?“
The moment the lights flickered and the elevator stopped moving, Karn took a seat against one of the walls, apparently resigned to his fate. They both know from experience that it takes a while for maintenance to get to the elevators when they get stuck or lose power; they’ve both been stuck here numerous times during the rainy seasons.
Jeng is still clinging onto false hope that he doesn't have to be stuck here with Karn for long; that help is just a moment away. He doesn’t want to be here with the other man. He doesn‘t want to see him. He spent the entire past week looking for Karn in every room he stepped in and ignoring the sinking feeling he got when he remembered he wouldn’t find him.
He spent the last ten days thinking about Karn, imagining how their conversations could go and what he would say to Karn if he saw him. And then, late at night when he was lying in bed trying to sleep, he thought about the opposite, about what would happen if he doesn’t say no to the job offer.
Jeng thought about working alongside Karn in the emergency room. About high-stress situations they would face together and how that could change their impressions of the other. He thought about getting to see more of the real Karn underneath his stony exterior. About the possibility of them maybe even becoming friends.
The realization that he didn’t hate that thought as much as he thought he would freaked him out. They don’t get along. They’re fundamentally different. There’s no way he’s having anything other than bad feelings for Karn, it simply can’t be. It’s confusing, it’s wrong and the only way to escape these thoughts and feelings is to not see Karn at all.
A feat that’s quite difficult if you‘re stuck in the same room.
“They’re powering more important things. It won’t take long, I already let the workers know.“
Jeng sighs and slides down next to Karn onto the cold floor of the elevator, back against the mirrored wall. There’s still a bit of distance between them but it’s not a lot, their knees almost touching when Jeng angles his left leg just so.
Without the electric buzzing of the elevator it’s eerily silent; only their breathing audible as the silence stretches for a long moment. It makes Karn’s voice cutting through it even more stark.
“Have you thought about the offer in Emergency Care?”
Jeng lets out a harsh exhale through his nose. So his suspicion was correct and Karn had sent the director to come see him and offer him that position. He’s not as angry about it anymore as he had been last week. He’s mostly confused why Karn is so invested in his career when there’s nothing in it for him.
“‘Course it was you who talked to your uncle. Why? Why do you care what I do?”
“I was genuinely impressed by how you handled that case in the ER, Jeng. I thought I was doing something good for you by recommending you.”
Karn’s wringing his hands together in his lap and if he didn’t know better, Jeng would almost believe he’s nervous. Seeing Dr. Karn be nervous is definitely not something Jeng ever thought he would see.
“I like being a regular dentist. I like not having someone’s life in my hands. All the action, the adrenaline, the fear? You can keep that for yourself.”
Karn turns his head to look at him directly for the first time since the lights went out, searching his face for something Jeng isn’t sure of. Maybe he’s searching for a glimpse of untruth in the statement, something that gives him a chance to convince Jeng to take the job anyway.
He must not find what he’s looking for though because Karn chuckles and shakes his head after a long held gaze; head tilted towards the ground now.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked my uncle. I should’ve talked to you directly.”
Jeng can’t explain it but the atmosphere between them is light despite the heaviness of the topic. There’s a warmth in the air that has nothing to do with the missing air con and it only gets warmer when their eyes meet again.
A small smile is tucking at Jeng’s lips and he finds the same mirrored on Karn; the edges of his mouth twitching like he’s trying to dampen the smile fighting to break through. It completely transforms Karn’s face, even the barest hint of a smile. It makes him look soft and approachable.
Combined with the sparkle in his big, round eyes it almost makes him look handsome.
“Wow. Did the Dr. Karn just apologize to someone?”
“Mmh.”
The noise is barely an acknowledgment but Karn’s hint of a smile turns into a smirk anyway so Jeng takes it as a small win for him. He finds that he likes teasing Karn a lot more than growling at him, especially because he’s turns out to be so susceptible to it. A little dig here and there and the shell of Karn’s ears turns deliciously red, just visible enough under the dark strands of hair.
“You know, you don’t actually match your cold and distant reputation at all.“
He might be poking the bear a little here, pushing it a little too much, but he’s too fascinated by the Karn he got to see in these past few months that he just needs to get to the bottom of it. Because the Karn he thought he knew the past three years wouldn’t have tried to advance his career without getting something in exchange. He wouldn’t have asked Jeng to help him and then calmed him down and told him he believes in him. That Karn wouldn’t have treated his wounds so gently.
This is the Karn he wants to get to know more. And he wants to understand where the dissonance between the two versions of Karn comes from. How can the people in this hospital get it so wrong?
“It used to be different but my name- I don’t get the luxury of being open around here, vulnerable to be taken advantage of. Everyone knew who I was when I started, they knew exactly who my uncle was. I felt like I had to work twice as hard to prove myself and maybe I was too defensive about it. But by that point they had made up their minds about me.“
Jeng finds he can’t look away from Karn’s face. The raw honesty he’s showing proves to be truly captivating. He isn’t sure why Karn decided to be this vulnerable with him right now, if maybe the darkened atmosphere of their surroundings creates a newfound intimacy between them, and he desperately wants to hold onto it. Capture the moment and revisit it once he made sense of his own chaotic feelings.
There’s something there, in his chest, when he looks at Karn now. An intrigue, a desperate want to figure out this enigma of a man in front of him. A wish to peel back the layers and find Karn at his core. The Karn that Thap and Pong must know. The one who probably has a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and a dirty mouth and that loves to talk back.
He wants to get to know that Karn. And he wants that Karn to get to know him.
“I bet if you showed them a bit of the real you, you can still change their minds.“
His own voice is barely above a whisper now and their faces are turned towards each other so that Karn can catch what he’s saying. They’re close, so close, and everything in Jeng is screaming at him that this is a bad idea just waiting to happen but he can’t turn away. Karn’s eyes look like pools of black ink but there’s a warmth to them that keeps drawing Jeng closer to him.
The heart in his chest is beating a wild rhythm; so loud that Jeng thinks Karn must be able to hear it as well. He’s trying hard not to let his eyes wander further down to Karn’s lips in a desperate attempt to hold onto his last bits of sanity. He must be completely insane to even think about the possibility of moving even closer.
“Did I change your mind about me?“
Jeng isn’t sure which one of them moves first, couldn’t tell you afterwards who closes the gap between them, but that doesn’t seem that important now. Because they do close the gap. And now they’re kissing.
Their kisses are fairly gentle at first. Karn’s lips are soft and pliant as they slide against Jeng‘s, confident as they claim each other again and again. For once, Jeng’s mind is blank and quiet, wiped clean by the feeling of Karn’s lips against his. It’s been a while since he kissed someone and kissing Karn just feels nice. So nice that he can’t focus on anything else.
Karn turns his body further towards Jeng, bringing them even closer together in an even better angle. One of his hands finds the sharp edge of Jeng’s jaw, fingers scratching up into his hairline and thumb running back and forth in front of his ear and even distracted by the wet slide of their mouths Jeng notices how big and skilled Karn’s hands are.
With his hand on Jeng’s face, Karn is able to maneuver him exactly the way he wants, tilting his head just so. Their kisses get more desperate and hard with the change in angle and Jeng can’t suppress the sigh that falls out of his mouth in-between fervent kisses.
The hand that’s not grappling for purchase on the floor finds the edges of Karn’s pristine, white coat, creasing the fabric in his fist with how tight his hold is. He pulls on it when he feels Karn’s tongue along the seam of his lips with the next kiss, trying to get him impossibly closer. He’s helpless against the action; opening his mouth almost on instinct and meeting Karn’s tongue with his own.
He’s fighting against the whine clawing its way up his throat when there’s a sudden lurch around them. The lights come to life again, bathing the elevator in clinical, stark white, and the elevator springs into action once more. The change is so sudden and harsh that it forces them apart like a physical push, Karn’s hand falling from his face and Jeng letting go of Karn’s lab coat like he’s been burned by the fabric.
It takes a moment for Jeng to come back to reality, mind still trapped in the throes of pleasure, but when he does it hits him full-force. His gaze bounces from Karn’s red, kiss-bitten lips to his wild eyes and heaving chest; his own eyes getting bigger and bigger the more he takes in.
What the hell has he just done?
He must’ve gone completely insane because there’s no way he just kissed his colleague, who he doesn’t even like, at his place of work where anyone can walk in on them in less than a minute’s time.
Jeng is on his feet and out of the elevator in the blink of an eye, leaving a stunned Karn still on the floor behind him. He flees so quickly that the other man doesn’t even get the chance to call out to him or try to stop him.
Three words are going round and round in his head; repeated like a mantra again and again: don’t freak out. Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.
He freaks out.
Jeng has a complete and utter meltdown the second he closes the door to his office and then again as soon as he gets home that day. And maybe, most definitely, every passing day since that incident. Because he kissed Karn. No, he made out with Karn, which is somehow a whole degree worse than just a kiss.
And the worst thing is that it felt good.
It felt good and completely right to kiss him. It felt nice to be kissed and so obviously desired by someone else. The passion, the hunger, the want brimming low in his stomach - it all felt so perfectly fine that Jeng has no other option than to hide away and avoid Karn for days on end, locking himself in his office and sending his secretary down to the cafeteria to get him lunch like a scared kid in high school.
He mostly freaks out because it feels like there actually is nothing to freak out about. It seems like whereas his head is supposed to tell him it was a colossally bad idea and that he should be repulsed by this particular turn of events, the only thought in his brain is that he wants to do it again.
He’s mad that his life doesn't suddenly feel off-kilter because the sole foundation of his professional life was his dislike for Dr. Karn and that just went up in smoke. All because he can’t stop thinking about the way Karn’s tongue felt against his. Because of a few deep kisses and nice words.
Somehow it feels like his realization that he has feelings for Karn should come with more denial and resistance. But as it is, he can’t help but accept the fact that he wants to kiss Karn - and definitely a lot more than that if he’s being honest with himself - again so badly that he can‘t think about barely anything else all week.
That doesn’t mean he likes the knowledge though.
He spent so long being annoyed at and assuming the worst about Karn that doing the opposite feels insanely weird. Every positive, yearning thought about the man is accompanied by the deep-rooted urge to send himself to the psychiatric department because this can’t be happening to him. Jeng can’t believe that he somehow, unwittingly, fell for Karn somewhere along the way. At least enough that he was about a minute away from dry-humping the poor guy. Maybe he even developed feelings for him a long time ago and he just suppressed them like a bad memory all this time.
Jeng has also come to another realization during his week of solitude in his office. One that might even be more important than realizing he has feelings for Karn. It’s that Karn must definitely have feelings for him. There’s no way he would kiss Jeng otherwise - there’s no way he would push his tongue into your mouth, his brain had helpfully supplied again and again - not directly after they talked about Karn always carrying the reputation of the hospital on his back.
His job is important to Karn, his professionalism is important to him and there’s no way he would risk that if he wasn’t into Jeng like that. And it makes a shocking amount of sense looking back. It explains why he’s always so ready to praise Jeng when he doesn’t do that for anyone else, why he’s that open and honest even though they hadn’t been particularly close before and why Jeng couldn’t place the look on Karn’s face when their eyes met at times.
It explains a whole lot of things Jeng didn’t notice before. Or willfully ignored.
He’s scared as well. Scared of what it all means for them. Scared of taking a step towards Karn and figuring everything out. If he got this all wrong, if what happened between them was just a spur of the moment action in the darkness, then he’s left alone with his feelings and the embarrassment of interpreting too much into something that ended up meaning nothing. And if he got it right and they’re both on the same page, they’ll have to have a serious talk about being colleagues, about inevitable power imbalances and the possibility of a break up before they even become something.
So he does the only thing he can think of to escape the situation - he hides away and avoids running into Karn like the plague.
It works great for over a week and Jeng almost thinks it’s been long enough that they can just pretend the entire making out with each other thing never happened in the first place until he’s sitting in his office late at night and hears the distinct sound of knuckles against his doorframe. He has resorted to staying at the hospital long after his last patient of the day to minimize the chances of running into Karn in the elevator or in the car park.
Jeng would prefer another visit from the director right now, he’d even take him firing him for inappropriate behavior in the workplace, over what he already knows is coming once the door is pushed open before he can beckon the person in. Karn is without his glasses tonight; the lab coat and scrubs already traded in for nice-fitting slacks and a light blue shirt.
He looks good, so good, and Jeng is glad he’s sitting down because his knees go a bit weak at the sight of Karn right now. It seems like now that he realized and admitted his feelings to himself, his body is letting him know full-force that it’s definitely reacting to Karn. He follows his movements with his eyes until Karn fully steps into the room and closes the door behind him. They’re alone on the floor, Jeng is entirely sure of it, and the fact that Karn makes a point of closing the door makes Jeng’s hands sweaty and his heart pound in anticipation.
“You’ve been avoiding me.“
It’s said entirely matter-of-factly. Like Karn has waited and catalogued Jeng’s behavior this past week and now gets to share his hypothesis with Jeng. He thinks about denying it but that won’t change the situation they’re in right now. They need clarity. They need to talk this out, clear the air once and for all. Then either go back to how it was before or find some new ground to stand on.
“I have. I didn’t know what to say to you.“
Karn looks surprised for a moment, eyebrows climbing into his hairline, like he expected Jeng to deny it and now he has to change gears in his head to another pre-planned line of conversation. He gestures to the empty space in front of him and Jeng immediately understands what he wants so he gets up from his place behind his desk and rounds it until he’s on the other side; now facing Karn without a piece of metal and glass in the way.
“We can forget anything ever happened if that’s what you want. I promise you I won’t tell anyone, but can I tell you something first?”
“Okay.”
It’s the first time since he entered the room that Karn lowers his gaze away from Jeng, breaking the eye contact they’ve held for so long. Jeng watches him swallow and take a breath as if he’s steeling himself for what he’s about to say.
“I went back and forth on whether I should tell you this but if this is the only chance I get, you deserve to know.”
“Karn-“
“I like you, Jeng. I’ve liked you for so long that my friends make fun of me for it. I buy you a piece of Khanom Chan almost every day because I know you like it but I’m always too scared to give it to you. I didn’t know how to talk to you the first times we met so I didn’t say anything and then it got too weird. Yours is the only research proposal I always vote for because I know you’re good at what you do. So if you’re in any way worried about how serious I am about you I just wanted you to know this.”
Jeng’s heart is hammering in his chest, thundering in his ears and drowning out the sounds of the city outside. His mind wanders to the little yellow post-it note still stuck to his desktop behind him, to the encouraging words that were stuck to his favorite dessert. Of course it was Karn. Of course he knows about the Khanom Chan and the perfect way to cheer Jeng up.
Looking back it all makes perfect sense. All the things he thought he knew, all the little things that used to drive him insane about Karn seem wrong now, tainted by his own stupid interpretation of things. It all feels upside down and different now - every interaction, every conversation, every glance.
He was so unwilling to see things in a different light, see Karn any differently, that he completely missed what was right in front of him - someone who had deep feelings for him and didn’t know how to show them. Too worried to make the first move but still willing to show his devotion in small, hidden gestures.
Jeng wonders what else he missed the past few years. All the things he never knew about that happened thanks to Karn and all the things he misinterpreted. He hopes he gets the chance to ask Karn about them. To lie on the couch with him and go through every word and action meticulously, to laugh about his own obliviousness and Karn’s endearing helplessness.
“You stole my parking spot.”
“Oh. Yes. I thought I was parking next to you. I got up an hour before my shift every day to get to work at the same time as you. And when I realized that wasn’t your car after all a senior had already taken my spot.”
The knowledge is slow to reach his brain, choosing to spread into every extremity first and send pinpricks of electricity through his veins. It feels like someone struck a match and set him on fire from within. It’s the feeling from before again, but now he can finally tell it for what it is. It’s want. Pure, unfiltered want that’s cursing through him. He wants Karn. Not just physically; he wants him to be his and his alone. He wants to be the only one Karn does all these ridiculous things for.
Jeng takes a few steps forward, until he’s standing right in front of the other man. There’s no point of contact between them, no skin that’s touching or fabric that’s brushing against each other, but there’s tension anyway; electric currents blazing from one body to the other.
Karn is taller than him, just towering enough that Jeng has to tilt his head up to look into his dark eyes. They appear even darker now than they did before and Jeng is sure he could get lost in them if he lets himself, drowning in the near black of them.
“Why did you never say anything?”
The tension between them is slowly and steadily increasing, just waiting for the thing that fully ignites the spark. Jeng wants to reach out and touch, crease Karn’s perfectly-ironed shirt, muss up his hair and feel if his heart is beating just as wildly as his own. He doesn’t though. He holds himself back even though this push all pull between them is almost painful to endure.
“I really wasn’t sure if you would like me back. The last time I confessed to someone they ended up dating my best friend.“
Jeng files the information away for another time, to be asked about at a later date when his nerve endings aren’t on fire by the sheer proximity to Karn. He doesn’t care about any of it. He doesn’t care about past lovers or wasted feelings. All he wants right now is a shot at this. At what they could be. At what he never thought was even a possibility but now that it‘s within arm’s reach he doesn’t think could go without.
Karn might think that Jeng has doubts about how serious he is about this but Jeng doesn’t. Not at all. The look on Karn’s face tells him everything he needs to know about his feelings for Jeng. And even though the thought of them together hasn’t made a home in Jeng’s chest for quite as long, he wants Karn to know he’s serious about it too.
He’ll prove it to him in any way he can.
“That’s definitely not going to happen. It's only you.“
The last word barely leaves Jeng’s mouth before it gets occupied by Karn’s instead; his big hands coming to frame Jeng’s face. The force of the kiss takes Jeng by surprise and they stumble backwards a bit, until his back hits the edge of his desk. He barely registers the pang of pain though, he’s too focused on the feeling of Karn’s lips on his.
He didn’t forget about the softness of the man’s lips, the memory haunted his thoughts for the better part of the last week, and feeling them again makes something primal and subconscious take over in him. He rakes his teeth over Karn’s bottom lip, soothing any sting with his tongue afterwards. Karn captures the tongue with his own, runs along the length of it and lets Jeng chase after it when he breaks them apart again.
Jeng doesn’t know where to touch first now that he’s allowed. His hands graze over broad shoulders and the wide expanse of Karn’s back, along fabric-clad arms and down his chest until they settle on Karn’s waist, alternating between holding on for dear life and squeezing the skin underneath.
The knowledge that they’re alone on the floor makes him brave, unafraid to let out a loud gasp when Karn dips his head and starts mouthing along his jaw and down his throat. If he were a bit more reckless he’d tell Karn to leave marks in his wake, to brand him in his own personal way, but he’s all too aware of the job he has to do tomorrow and the colleagues that will see him here.
His hands trace over Karn’s chest until they find the buttons of his shirt, fingers finding the light nubs and deftly opening the top two. His mind is barreling ahead though, thinking about what they are potentially about to do. Or more importantly, where they are gonna do it.
His desk isn’t really sturdy enough to carry the weight of any strenuous activities and he’s certainly not going to use any one of the treatment rooms for this - he’s a professional after all. If they want to take this further - and god does Jeng want to - they have to take this somewhere else.
“Wait. Where- I don’t-“
Their chests are heaving; hands tangled in clothes and hair and already looking thoroughly debauched. Karn looks so different from his normally put-together self like this that the sight of it only fuels the fire within Jeng further; wild eyes and hair in disarray.
“I have a couch in my office?”
Karn phrases it like a question, giving Jeng the option to back out if he doesn’t want to take it further than this. He pairs the question with the careful touch of his hand on Jeng’s face, thumb brushing back and forth over the apple of his cheek. The action is so tender and loving that Jeng’s breath gets momentarily stuck in his throat and his heart makes the decision for him right there and then.
The way to Karn’s office is torturous. They’re in a public hospital after all, which means they keep their hands to themselves the moment they exit Jeng’s office and they do get some surprised looks once they’re joined by other workers in the elevator down, probably wondering why both of them are still here at this hour.
It doesn’t matter though. Jeng will deal with any rumors or whispered chatter tomorrow. Right now the only thing he cares about, once they disappear behind the locked door to Karn’s nice, spacious office, is pushing Karn down onto his cream-colored couch and climbing into his lap.
His hands find the buttons of Karn’s shirt again and this time his mind is solely focused on removing the offending piece of clothing and he doesn’t stop until he’s greeted by the sight of his unclothed chest. His finger starts at the base of Karn’s throat then travels down over his pecs and when Karn shudders at the touch, he bends down to follow the route with his mouth.
It’s Karn’s turn to sigh and gasp now while Jeng peppers kisses all across his chest and over his nipples; hands buried deep in Jeng’s hair. He tugs on a few strands in response to Jeng taking one of his nipples into his mouth and the added bit of pain makes Jeng buck forward, bringing their hips closer together.
The action forces a moan out of Jeng but before he can get back to what he was doing, he’s hauled back up so they can kiss again. Kissing Karn still feels just as nice as it did in the elevator the other week. He’s still thorough and persistent, kissing as if he’s trying to learn Jeng’s mouth inside and out.
His touch is braver this time around though; hands leaving their place on Jeng’s face and traveling down to his lower back, dipping just under the fabric of his shirt where his skin is exposed. Jeng wants to tell him to reach even lower but he holds back for now. He’s enjoying the foreplay too much to speed it up.
He just needs a tiny bit more though so he reaches for Karn’s belt, unhooking the clasp and opening the buckle all while never breaking their slew of kisses. Everyone who’ll lay eyes on their puffy mouths later will know exactly what they did.
He makes quick work of the button and zipper of Karn’s slacks and once he gets the pants open enough he snakes his hand inside, fingers ghosting over the fabric underneath. Their kiss breaks then as the breath is punched out of Karn at the touch. He tucks his face into the crook of Jeng’s neck, the proximity to Jeng’s ear only amplifying the noises he makes while Jeng lets his hand trail up and down.
They’re not gonna go all the way here, Jeng would be quite put out if Karn had a stash of supplies hidden away in here, and he’s thinking about how he wants this to go. Does he want to get Karn off like this and let him return the favor? Does he want them to finish together? Does he even want them to use their hands? He wants everything at the same time.
In the end, Karn kind of takes the decision out of his hands when his hands eventually drop under the waistline of his jeans and down to his ass, squeezing once and making Jeng realize that he just wants to feel Karn against him. His hand abandons the confines of Karn’s pants, leaving him more than half-hard, and goes to push the waistband of Karn’s slacks down.
It’s only when Karn’s hands leave Jeng’s own pants and nudge at his thighs that his lust-hazy brain realizes that Karn can’t get his pants off with Jeng sitting on top of him like he is. Laughter spills out of Jeng as his head falls forward onto Karn’s chest, kissing the skin underneath in apology. A deep chuckle comes from above him as a response, accompanied by a single kiss to the top of his head.
The opportunity to remove Karn’s pants himself is too great to pass up on when he clambers off Karn’s lap, pulling the fabric all the way down to his quads and giving a lone, teasing lick to the underwear he now unearths completely once he’s down there. He takes off his own pants far enough so he can step out of them and leaves them abandoned on the floor.
Jeng takes the hand Karn stretches out towards him, letting himself be pulled back on top of the man and linking his arms behind Karn’s head once he’s seated with his legs on either side of Karn’s thighs. Their hips are perfectly aligned in this position, brushing together through the thin material of their boxers.
Their lips find themselves back in another kiss; foreheads pressed together afterwards. Jeng starts moving against Karn, slowly rocking back and forth. Their eyes are locked together and the open look of hunger on Karn’s face makes Jeng moan more than the friction of his movements does. Big hands find the wide array of his back, splaying out over his shoulder blades.
Jeng presses a kiss to the underside of Karn’s chin, to the mole that sits so prettily against the bone, before trailing his tongue down to the hollow of his throat, over the skin where Karn’s adams apple moves with his gulps and moans. It’s not enough, this gentle back and forth, but Jeng equally doesn’t want to speed it up; wants to enjoy the feeling of Karn everywhere around him for as long as he can.
“I’ve wanted this for so long.”
Karn sounds wrecked already; voice scratchy and out of breath. He’s biting his lower lip, eyes glued to Jeng’s mouth. Jeng is well-aware he’s not talking about them having sex, at least not only that. He can feel it in the reverent way he’s touching Jeng, careful and not bruising, keeping track of what he likes and repeating the action again and again. In the way he’s constantly kissing Jeng to keep their connection alive; can see it in his sparkling eyes and shy smiles.
And he’s ready to give it a real try, to give himself over to Karn and trust him with his body, with his heart. If someone is looking at him like this how can he not?
“Then come have me.”
It’s basically a written invitation and Jeng hopes that Karn knows he also means more than just his body right now. That he’s willing to give Karn so much more than that. That he’s allowed to take it.
It seems like that was all Karn was waiting for to break the dam, because his hands find their place on Jeng’s ass again, urging him on and pushing them together faster and faster, creating a rhythm that surely will be the end of both of them soon. Instead of tucking his head into Karn’s neck like he wants to, Jeng takes Karn’s face into both hands and tilts it up to look at him, keeping their gazes connected while they both tip closer and closer to the edge.
They eventually find release that way - eyes interlocked, hips moving together and bodies barely inches apart. It feels almost otherworldly and the last coherent thought Jeng has is that he wants to feel like this forever and that it’s all thanks to Karn.
Afterwards, Karn is running soothing hands over Jeng’s thighs and back; fingertips gliding up and down over every bone and ridge they encounter on their way. He peppers kisses over every bit of skin he can reach - over Jeng’s shoulders, down his nose, across his cheeks.
„Come home with me?“
As if Jeng could say no. As if there’s anywhere he’d rather be tonight than with the man in front of him. The man that turned out to be so much more than what he thought. The man that turned from someone he thought he couldn’t stand into someone he doesn't want to let go off. Someone who worked hard to change and conquer Jeng’s mind and then his heart.
Someone who could be his future.
He chooses to respond with a kiss; deep and full of everything that still feels too early to say. Everything Jeng can’t share yet but wants Karn to know anyway. And Karn answers in tune; brings their tongues together and maps out the same words back to him. Tells him he understands Jeng even without words, can read what he’s trying to say, knows him in a way Jeng didn’t realize only Karn can. Proves that he understands him.
Maybe he always did.
Maybe long before Jeng even knew it himself.