Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“Emma Nott and Lily Potter, your potion is Amortentia.”

Jacob lets out a low whistle beside her as Daisy, sitting on her other side, chuckles quietly.

“Lucky bastard.” Daisy says.

Lily Luna Potter is sitting three rows in front of them, and all Emma can see from here is Lily’s shiny red hair, that is until Lily turns around and smiles at Emma, waving her hand amicably, and then, luckily, she turns back around, because Emma is sure her face is beet red right now.

“Merlin, close your mouth, would you?” Jacob laughs, patting Emma on the back.

“I want you all to look up your potions maker, its ingredients, procedure, its effects on people, properties and the reasons why it’s a forbidden potion. I want your parchments to be at least 60cm long, you have one fortnight.” Professor Boreham explains after pairing everyone.

Just then the bell rings, Professor Boreham keeps talking but her voice is drowned out by the sound of everyone getting ready to leave. Emma throws her parchment haphazardly into her bag, trying to hurry up so she can escape her friends’ eyes, whatever they want to say, she doesn't want to hear it.

“So, Lily Potter, uh?” Daisy says before Emma is done packing.

“Shut up.”

“And Amortentia.” Jacob wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, taking Emma’s quill from the table just before Emma can reach for it.

“Give it back, Jacob.” Emma huffs, exasperated.

“They'll fall in love in the library, buried under potion books and parchments.” Daisy says, clasping her hands with a dreamy expression.

“Fuck off.”

“Oh, future Mrs. Pott-.”

They’re interrupted by someone clearing their throat. Emma looks away from her friends to see Lily Luna Potter standing in front of them, hands hidden behind her back and a curious look on her face. Emma is sure her face grows a few shades darker, but if Lily heard anything the Slytherins said, she doesn't let it show.

“Nott, right?” Asks Lily, brown eyes boring into Emma’s, “Zabini, Thomas.” Lily then nods politely towards the others.

“Potter.” Jacob and Daisy say respectively, Daisy gives Jacob a conspiratorial look before saying; “Jacob and I have to go, we got Herbology in fifteen, right, Jacob?”

Jacob catches on quickly, “Yep, see you later, Emma. Potter.” He throws Emma’s quill in her still open bag and then they’re gone before Emma can say anything.

Whether Lily remembers she shares that class with them too and that they definitely don't have it today, she doesn't mention it. They're left standing together in a somewhat awkward silence as the dungeon empties out.

“Uhm, so, I wanted to check when you're free to start working on our assignment.” Says Lily, running a hand through her hair.

She keeps talking, but Emma has a hard time paying attention to anything she's saying because she can only think of how the dungeon’s greenish light makes everyone but Lily look bad, the soft light highlights the almost imperceptible green dots in her otherwise brown eyes and even the red of her uniform doesn't clash with the light as much as it does on her fellow Gryffindors.

Okay, maybe Emma has had a tiny crush on Lily Luna Potter for a while now, (two years, to be precise, but who's counting?) and maybe Lily was her lesbian awakening, but it’s a silly crush, really, because Emma knows it's impossible. Lily is crazy popular, for one, being the daughter of The Chosen One and all that, basically everyone knows her, Merlin, Emma has seen her and her family on newspaper covers a dozen times, and even though Emma's best friends are the captain of Slytherin's Quidditch team and its star player, she's nowhere near as popular as either of them, she's surprised Lily even knows her, there's no way she'd be interested in Emma.

And, most importantly, just last year Lily spent a good part of fifth year sucking Lorcan Scamander’s face all over the castle’s corridors, and she's only dated boys before and since then, so she's clearly, painfully straight.

Emma is so deep in thought she takes a moment to realize Lily stopped talking and is now looking at her expectantly.

“I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” Emma asks sheepishly.

Lily chuckles; “Are you free today at five?”

Emma purses her lips, trying to recall her schedule for today.

“I have Charms at six thirty.” Emma says after a pause, “Tomorrow?”

“I have quidditch practice, but I think I can cut it short for you.” Lily nods, “Tomorrow at five, then?”

Emma tries to ignore the funny feeling in her stomach and how much the wording makes it sound like a date as she nods, Lily gives her a satisfied smile and says her goodbyes, going to where Hugo Weasley is waiting for her by the door, leaving her alone with rosy cheeks and Professor Boreham, who looks at her with a raised eyebrow.

“So? don't you have places to be?”

That same night she's patrolling the castle’s corridors with Jacob, her partner for today's duties. She's thankful it's him with her tonight, Emma doesn't think she can deal with anyone else at the moment.

“what if I say something stupid and she doesn't like me?” Emma says, “Or what if she thinks I'm a dork and teases me?”

Jacob looks at her as if she's effectively said something stupid, “Potter would not tease you, she's too nice for that.” He says, “Not to your face, maybe behind your back.” Emma throws a nasty look his way, “I'm just kidding. And what does it matter if she doesn't like you? You've got no chance with her either way.”

Emma takes it back, she can't deal with him tonight.

“That doesn't mean I want her to not like me.” Says Emma indignantly.

“She won't dislike you.” Jacob rolls his eyes, “Just be cool, be yourself, and you'll be drinking tea with biscuits together in no time.”

Be cool. Yeah, Emma can do that.

The next day Emma gets to the library fifteen minutes before five o'clock, finds a nice table close to the entrance to leave her things on, and starts looking for potion books that might have the information they'll need. Emma spends the next couple minutes going back and forth between her table and the potions section, checking books and taking them with her to the table, it isn't until a while later that she decides to check her watch and sees it's ten past five already and, as if on cue, Lily comes rushing in, apologizing profusely, which only earns her a stern look and a shush from Madam Prince.

“I'm so sorry.” Lily says again once she's closer, “I tried to end practice earlier but we got carried away and I had to take a shower afterwards, I hope I didn't make you wait long.”

Her hair is damp and unlike Emma, who's still wearing her school uniform, Lily's wearing muggle clothes; dark jeans and a white sweater, – they're a couple days into November and it's getting colder and colder, – and a pair of thin framed glasses. Emma doesn't think she's ever seen her wearing glasses before.

And she looks so fucking pretty.

“No, yeah, you're good.” Emma says, forcing herself to look anywhere but at Lily, “I got here a couple minutes ago.”

“Right.” Lily eyes all the books Emma collected, “I see you started without me.”

“Had nothing better to do.” Emma says, sitting down, “Let’s get to it then, shall we?”

The six points are divided between the two of them and they spend the next half an hour reading in silence and writing down anything useful they find. It’s not a particularly long or complex subject, so Emma spends half the time wondering why Lily wanted to get an early start when two weeks is well more than enough to get this done, and she can't help but to ask so when they're close to the forty minute mark.

“Quidditch season starts in two weeks, I'd rather not have my homework piling up.” Lily explains.

“Ah, right, quidditch.” Emma says, and she doesn't know what kind of expression she did then, but whatever it was, it made Lily laugh.

Madam Prince throws another dirty look at Lily, shutting her up immediately, after a moment she says, quieter; “You don't like quidditch, do you? I think I only ever saw you at last year's Gryffindor vs. Slytherin match.”

Emma's about to reply, but something about that statement catches her off guard, the only one she's ever gone to was Daisy's first match as Slytherin's captain last year, Lily's first match as the Gryffindor captain, too.

“You noticed I went to that one?” She asks, the surprise clear in her tone.

“You're hard not to notice.” Lily says, shrugging as if it's nothing.

As if it being noteworthy enough for her to remember a year later is nothing, as if the sole idea of Lily noticing whether she's there or not is nothing, as if the admission of Emma being hard not to notice for Lily doesn't get her blood pumping and her heart skipping a beat.

As if Lily's own cheeks aren't turning a pretty shade of red.

There's no way, Emma thinks, no way that means what she thinks it means.

Chapter Text

The list of Emma’s relationships starts and ends with one shameful, one month long relationship with Katie Wood, a closeted seventh year Ravenclaw girl. It was October of her fifth year and Emma didn’t mind hiding it, she was in the closet too, and it wasn’t a serious thing either, they were just messing around, as Katie once described it. That was until someone walked in on them making out in an empty classroom.

Most of the days afterwards are blurry in Emma's mind, all she knows is that the student didn’t recognize Katie, only her, and that they didn't keep it to themselves. For a week or two everyone knew who she was, everyone talked about her, some people would recount the story adding colourful details, making it out to be much more scandalous than it actually was. The most daring ones would straight up walk up to her and ask her who the other girl was.

But she never told anyone, not even Daisy or Jacob, and soon enough the novelty wore off and she went back to being a nobody, Katie went from being her – her something, to being a complete stranger, she spent the rest of the year pretending nothing happened between them and ignoring Emma up until the day she graduated.

And as she’s leaving the library and starts making her way to the Great Hall, it just occurs to her that she can’t tell anyone about this either, she can’t tell Daisy so they can dissect Lily’s words and try to figure out what she meant the way they do with the boys she’s interested in, she can’t tell Jacob so he can tease her about it, because she would definitely remember if Lily was out, which can only mean two things: either Emma’s just overthinking it and Lily meant nothing by it, or Lily’s in the closet.

So when she sits at the Slytherin table and Jacob and Daisy look at her expectantly she just says: “You were right, I was overreacting, Lily’s cool.”

“So did you kiss under the candlelights?” Daisy asks with an annoyingly suggestive smile.

Emma rolls her eyes and ignores the question, she helps herself to a plate of food and spends the rest of the night with her friends, pushing any thoughts of Lily to the back of her head. She does a bit of homework, plays chess with Jacob and stays up later than she should chatting with Daisy.

But when the lights are off and Emma's left with the soft snores of the girls she shares dormitory with as her only distraction, her mind wanders back to the library. She tosses and turns throughout the night, her mind going over and over the two possibilities, and by the time the first rays of sunshine seep through the windows she reaches a conclusion: of course Lily didn't mean it that way, what was she even thinking?

Emma spends her day fighting the sleepiness off. By five o'clock, the time she agreed to meet with Lily in the library again the night before, she regrets staying up all night with all her might. The library is almost empty when she gets there, aside from Lily, who's waiting for her at the same table they sat at yesterday.

“Hey.” Lily gives her a friendly smile as Emma sits down in front of her, but the smile is quickly replaced by a look of concern, “You alright?”

“I didn't sleep much last night.” Emma says as she reaches inside her bag for one of the books she took with her yesterday.

“We don't have to do this today then.”

Emma shakes her head, “No, no, it's alright.”

Lily looks unconvinced, but she nods anyway.

“What kept you up? If you don't mind me asking.” Lily says, taking her own parchment and quill out to start working.

“I– I was thinking.”

“Of what?” Lily asks, moving her things aside to rest her head on the palm of her hand, her eyes fixed on Emma.

“Just stuff.” Emma says vaguely.

Lily chuckles, “Ah, got it.”

Emma opens her book and gets to work, she tries to concentrate on the words in front of her but between her own sleepiness and the fact Lily hasn't moved at all and is still staring at her intently, it's hard to concentrate. She rereads the same line a dozen times before giving up altogether and looking up.

Lily's wearing her hair up today, and her glasses rest precariously at the tip of her nose and, okay, has she always been into girls with glasses or is it just Lily?

It almost feels like they're in a staring contest now and every second that goes by Emma is closer and closer to losing.

“Is there something on my face?” Emma finally asks with a nervous laugh.

“No.” Lily says, not taking her eyes off Emma, “I’m just thinking, isn't it funny how we've known of each other for years but we don’t actually know each other, you know? We’ve spent most of the last six years in the same place yet this week’s the first time we’ve spoken.” Lily pauses for a moment, thinking over her words, then she looks away, suddenly shy, “I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while.”

So she didn’t hallucinate Lily blushing yesterday, Lily's face is just as rosy today. Emma’s own heart is beating embarrassingly fast as she thinks well, if this is happening, she might as well be a bit honest, too.

“I've wanted to talk to you for a while, too.” Emma admits before she has time to chicken out.

Lily looks back at her with a bashful smile and says; “Well, aren't we lucky?”

The library is starting to fill up by the time they get to work, there's some Hufflepuff kids being distractingly loud a few tables over and a group of seventh years are doing their homework just on the table beside them, – Dominique Weasley among them, who ruffled Lily’s hair when she passed them by, to Lily’s annoyance.

Emma’s lost track of how long they've been there now, she’s reading over the effects of Amortentia and taking notes when Lily lets out a dramatic sigh and drops her quill on the table.

“I'm bored.” She says, pouting adorably, “Want to play something?” Emma raises an eyebrow, her interest piqued, “Want to play 20 questions?”

Emma pretends to think it over but she already knows she'll say yes, Lily was right earlier, despite her years long crush on her she doesn't really know her, not better than she knows any other person she passes by in the corridors every day, she won't turn down an opportunity like this one now.

“Yeah, sure. You start.” She says.

Lily thinks for a moment, then asks; “Least favorite class?”

“Divination.” Emma says, scrunching her nose.

“So you don't believe in prophecies?”

“That's another question.” Emma complains, but she answers anyways, “Am I supposed to believe a cup of tea can tell me my future? That's rubbish.”

“Well, my dad was part of a prophecy.” Lily points out.

“Touché.” Emma relents, “I guess some prophecies might be real, but no cup of tea can dictate my future.” Lily laughs, agreeing with her. Emma toys with her quill as she tries to come up with a question, “What do you want to do after we graduate?.

“I’m going to take a year off and travel the muggle world with Hugo and Dominique.” Lily says, “Our parents don't know about that, though.” She adds, lowering her voice, “And after that, I don't know.”

“You don't?” Emma asks, unable to keep the surprise from her voice, “I figured you'd want to play quidditch professionally or something.”

“I thought about it.” Lily admits, “But I don't know, I feel like if I go that route, whatever opportunities I get won't be because of me, it'll be because of who my parents are, you know?”

Now, Emma never thought Lily would be one of those people who'd use their family to get ahead, but to hear her say it directly? Emma's ashamed to admit how attractive she finds it.

Time flies by as they ask each other questions, their books and parchments long forgotten. Emma almost can't believe how much she enjoys every second of it, and how easy talking to Lily is, she's spent an embarrassing amount of time making up scenarios just like this one over the years and she's pleasantly surprised over how much better reality is.

Lily tells her about the knife throwing contest she had with her brothers when she was eight and the nasty scar she was left with on her right hand afterwards, of the first time she flew in a broom, and of how even though her parents don't put any pressure on her, she knows the rest of the world has high expectations on her and her brothers, and in turn Emma tells her about the time she broke a leg trying to climb a tree with her cousin Scorpius, how she's deadly afraid of heights, and how her parents never talk about Voldemort or the war and she's never mustered the courage to ask.

There's also some moments where Emma is pretty sure Lily's flirting with her.

“What's your favourite colour?” Emma asks one time through a lazy yawn.

And then Lily fixes her gaze on her very blue eyes and says batting her lashes: “Right now? blue.”

And fuck her, Emma's half expecting Madam Prince to apparate in front of her with a giant sign reading “You Fell For It, You Stupid Lesbian”.

“I also like green, it's one of the few colours that goes well with my hair.” Lily adds as if she couldn't see Emma's reddening face.

Around the fourth or fifth yawn Emma admits defeat.

“I think that's enough for today.” She says, rubbing her eyes tiredly and Lily agrees easily.

“Are you going to the Great Hall?” Lily asks her as they step outside.

“No, I think I'll head to bed.” Emma says.

“Let me walk you there, then.” Lily says, falling into step beside her.

“You don't have to.” Emma rushes to say.

“But I want to.” Lily rolls her eyes and puts her hand on the small of Emma's back, pushing her slightly forward, and any complaint Emma has died on her tongue immediately.

They leave the library at almost eight o'clock, around this time almost everyone's at the Great Hall, so Emma's not surprised to find the corridors deserted. The library is just one floor above the entrance to the dungeons, so they find themselves walking slower than usual, trying to stretch out time as much as possible, and sometimes her hand grazes Lily's accidentally and she feels this electricity running through her whole body and she has to fight the urge to just grab Lily's hand, and judging by Lily's flushed cheeks, maybe she's fighting the same battle.

“We didn't do shit today.” Lily comments as they reach the dungeons.

“Well, I got to know you better, didn't I? I wouldn't say that's shit.” Says Emma before she can talk herself out of it,because fuck it if Lily's going to be the only one flirting.

Lily gives her a soft smile, “You're right.”

They don't say much more until they're standing in front of the stone wall that gives way to the Common Room. They stand there face to face under the green light for a moment. From this close she can smell the fruity fragrance coming off of Lily.

“I had a great time today.” Says Emma, she cringes internally over how much that sounds like one of those cliché things people say after a date.

“Yeah, I did too.” Lily says, then she wets her lips and suddenly Emma finds herself enthralled with them, “Would you like to-.”

Just then the stone wall parts and two kids come rushing out of the Common room, bumping into the girls on their way out, and just like that whatever moment they were having is gone.

Lily clears her throat awkwardly, “I guess I have to go.” She says, avoiding Emma's eyes.

“Yeah, uhm, goodnight.” Emma says.

Lily looks at her for a moment as if she wants to say something else, but she settles on giving Emma a quick nod and then she's gone.

Emma stands there for another moment, then she lets out an annoyed sigh. God, she hates kids.

Chapter Text

During the summer before her fifth year Lily learns a few new words.

The hot weather is almost unbearable. She's in her and Dominique’s shared room at the burrow after spending the afternoon playing quidditch, Lily's sitting on her bed, she's just changed into the shortest shorts she owns and the window's wide open but she still feels like ripping the skin off her bones in the off chance it’ll cool her down, and Dominique's standing in front of her, still in the dirt stained clothes she played in.

“I think I'm a lesbian.” Dominique tells her. She says it in a whisper, like it’s her biggest secret and now Dominique’s looking at Lily anxiously.

“Okay.” Lily says after a pause, she waits a moment to see if Dominique elaborates, but once it’s clear she won’t, Lily asks; “What’s that?”

Dominique stares at her, blinks once, twice, “You don't know?” and when Lily shakes her head, Dominique lets out a shaky breath and says: “It’s a sexuality, when a man only likes men, he's gay, when a woman only likes women she's a lesbian and when someone likes people regardless of their gender they're bisexual.”

“Oh.” She says, and Dominique's still looking at her like she expects more, “So you like women?” Dominique nods, biting the skin off her lips in the way she does when she's nervous, “Uhm, okay.”

“You don't care?”

“Why would I?” Lily asks, screwing her face in confusion.

Dominique only shrugs, “I don't know, some people are weird about it.”

“Well, that's stupid, why would anyone care what you like?”

“I don't know” Dominique repeats, her demeanour changes almost immediately, she's not biting her lips anymore and her anxious frown is replaced by a relieved smile, she plops into Lily's bed.

“Get your dirty clothes off my bed!” Lily shrieks, trying to push the blonde off, who just laughs at her.

Later, they’d talk about it more in deep, they'd talk about how Lily is the first person she came out to and how scared she was of Lily being disgusted or not wanting to share a room with her anymore, – because some people are that weird about it, apparently –, and how anxious she is of telling her parents, and she knew they wouldn't reject her, but their family can be so heteronormative sometimes, – whatever that meant.

That conversation sticks with her for the rest of the summer, she can't put her finger on it but there's something about those words, something about their definitions, that feel like a part of a puzzle she does not have all the pieces of yet.

And she starts noticing the whole gay/lesbian/bi thing everywhere, in the casual way Ginny talks about bumping into her ex Dean Thomas and his husband Seamus, in the two girls holding hands in the street that day she has a date with Lorcan in London, and when she watches a muggle movie with Rose and Hugo just for it to be about two teen girls forming a fight club just to impress other girls, she starts to wonder, how did she spend fifteen years of her life not knowing about this?

By the time she goes back to Hogwarts, the whole thing takes the backseat in her mind. She's just been selected as Gryffindor's quidditch captain and between that, the mountains of homework she's getting in preparation for their O.W.L. and balancing her new relationship with Lorcan, there's not enough space left in her brain for much else.

That is, until an October afternoon, it's the kind of chilly, cloudy day where she'd love nothing more than to take two mugs of hot chocolate and drag Lorcan to the common room and cuddle in front of the fireplace, but she's stuck on the library instead, trying to finish her D.A.D.A. homework due for the next day.

“And she asked Molly to be her maid of honour, can you believe that? Like, nothing against Molly, but I'm her sister.” Dominique’s sitting beside her, pretending to do her Charms homework even though she hasn't touched her quill in the half hour they've been there, opting to vent about her latest drama with Victoire instead.

“You told her you didn't want to be her maid before she even asked.” Lily reminds her without looking up from her books.

“She should've insisted.” Dominique whines.

Before Lily can tell her how ridiculous she sounds they're both distracted by a nearby conversation.

“They caught her kissing another girl?”

Lily looks from her book to the table right beside them curiously, three girls are chatting there, and Lily doesn't know their names but she's pretty sure they're sixth years and from Ravenclaw like Dominique.

One of the girls shakes her head, “Worse, I heard they caught her fingering another girl.” She says in a poor attempt at whispering, and the other two girls let out overly dramatic ‘Ew’s’.

“And they're letting her sleep in the same dormitory as other girls?”

“They have to change around her?” one of them says, clearly grossed out.

“I bet it turns her on.” The third one says scornfully.

And there's something in the way they say it that makes Lily feel ashamed, like it's somehow directed at her, but she doesn't have the time to dissect that because she can feel Dominique going still beside her, Lily looks her way just to find her blushing furiously, her hands are clenched into a tight fist and she's avoiding her eyes, staring intently at the table instead.

Now, Lily has no idea who they're talking about, all she knows is that Dominique is clenching her jaw hard, and by what little she can see of her face, Lily would bet ten galleons she's about to cry or hex her dormmates, and Lily herself feels weirdly exposed and uncomfortable. So, before Dominique can do something drastic, Lily retrieves her wand from her robe and sneakily casts a spell and suddenly all of the three girls' ink bottles explode into pieces, splashing ink all over the girls’ table and drenching them in it.

The library goes completely quiet for a second as everyone stops what they’re doing to see what’s going on, the three girls look shocked for a moment as ink drips down their faces, and they seem to wake up from their stupor as people around them start laughing.

“Oh my God” One of them screeches, trying to clean the ink off her face.

Lily quickly casts a second spell and tucks her wand back in her robe as Madam Prince practically materializes between both tables.

“What’s going on here?” She looks between the girls, “Who did this?” She demands, gesturing towards the inky mess on their table.

“Madam.” Two of the Ravenclaws cry at the same time, “Our bottles just explode.” One of them says, rubbing her face furiously, but the ink stays in its place.

“Someone must’ve hexed it.” The third girl adds stupidly, and Lily forces herself not to roll her eyes, and they're supposed to be Ravenclaw?

“Who did this?” Madam Prince asks again, scanning the library and everyone goes back to what they were doing, avoiding eye contact with the old woman. Her eyes skip past Lily and settle on two Slytherin boys who were too slow to look the other way, “You two, did you do it?” She barks and the boys stammer a nervous ‘no, Madam.’

Madam Prince huffs angrily and casts a spell over the girls’ table, the three ink bottles go back to their previous state and all the ink that splattered over the table goes back in, but the girls remain drenched in ink, Madam Prince casts the spell once, twice, but it just won’t go away, she frowns, annoyed, and takes one of the girls by the shirt, wets her thumb with saliva and rubs the girls’ cheek harshly, but the ink stays firmly on her skin.

“It won’t get off.” Madam Prince mutters.

“What do you mean?” The girl cries as the other two start rubbing their faces with twin panicked looks.

Lily bites her fist to contain her laughter; the second spell sealed the ink on their skin, it’ll get off on its own at some point, sadly, but until then they’re stuck with ink-stained faces.

It takes a while before Madam Prince lets them all go, only once it’s clear no one will confess she dismisses them with a stern look and a ‘I’ll find out who did it.’ warning Lily knows is an empty threat, so she’s not too worried about it. Dominique pulls her aside once they’re far away from the library.

“You didn’t have to do that.” She says.

“Do what?” Lily asks, feigning innocence, then she smiles cheekily, “They deserved it.”

“They did.” Dominique agrees, but she’s still clearly bothered by it, frowning deeply.

“Hey, don’t listen to them, okay? They’re cunts” Lily says, squeezing her shoulders reassuringly.

Dominique nods but doesn’t say anything else and Lily can’t blame her, she’s annoyed too, and not only on behalf of Dominique, there’s just something about what those girls said that leaves her with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach even hours later.

Lily keeps hearing similar whispered conversations as the one in the library throughout the rest of the day, or much nicer versions, most of the time. For some reason everyone's interested in some girl kissing another girl in an empty classroom, treating it like the best piece of gossip the school's stumbled upon in the last few years, by dinnertime Lily's sick of it.

And by then she’s figured out who’s the girl everyone’s gossiping about: Emma Nott. Now, Lily doesn’t know her that well, she knows she’s fifth year’s female Slytherin prefect and that they share a few classes, Lily has been sitting behind her in Charms since first year, so she also knows Nott’s black hair is unfairly silky and nice to look and she’s spent one too many classes wondering how she makes it look so pretty all year round with all of Scotland’s persistent humidity, Lily herself has to fight her own hair every morning to make it look half as good.

Aside from that, she's never paid that much attention to Nott before, but now that everyone's being so annoying about her, Lily can't help but notice her a bit more, partly because she can't stop imagining Dominique in her place, but also because Nott seems nice and not at all like someone who'd deserve to have their business aired like that.

Lily keeps an eye on her from afar, just to make sure no one crosses a line, and she's relieved to see Nott doesn't look that affected by the whole thing, that or she's incredibly good at dissociating, and when everyone stops talking about it a couple weeks later Lily tells herself she doesn't have to look out for the girl anymore.

But just like the whole sexualities thing during the summer, now that she’s noticed Nott it's like she's everywhere, turns out she shares a lot more classes with Slytherin than she realized, she's there in the crowd cheering for her own house on Lily's first match of the school year, she's there that one very embarrassing time Lily and Lorcan think they can sneak into an empty corridor to make out in between classes.

And she's there, staring at Lily when she thinks Lily's not looking.

It catches her by surprise the first time it happens. It's almost midnight, they’re in the middle of an Astronomy class and Lorcan’s just said a stupid Uranus pun that makes her laugh embarrassingly loud, Professor Miller gives her a dirty look and Lily looks away, flushing under the professor’s stare, just to find Nott's blue eyes on her, the girl’s cheeks turn red too and she looks the other way, leaving Lily with a funny feeling in her stomach.

That first time she chalks it up to a coincidence, she could look anywhere at any point of the day just to find someone staring at her, it's one of those things that comes with being Harry Potter's daughter.

It's a bit harder to explain the second, third and fourth time, and after that Lily just stops counting. She thinks maybe she should be annoyed or creeped out, she certainly doesn't like it when boys look at her like she's a piece of meat or a prize to win, it's just that, well, Nott doesn't look at her that way at all, she looks at Lily like she's not sure she's allowed to, and, sometimes, she looks at her the same way Lorcan did way before they started dating, like she wants to say something but doesn't know how and Lily is left wondering how long has this been going on and how did she not realize before. It makes her feel uncomfortable, so she pushes it to the back of her head.

She focuses on Lorcan instead, and the thing is that she really likes him, she's had feelings for him since she was ten years old and had barely any grasp on what romantic feelings were, she literally spent five years pinning after this boy and was over the moon when he asked her out a little over six months ago.

But she's still young, and after she goes back home for the Christmas holidays and she's eating breakfast with her family on her second day back, Ginny starts going on and on about him and about how aunt Luna and her can't wait to be family after Lorcan and her get married, Lily looks at her like she's just lost her head.

“Mum, I'm fifteen.” She says scandalized.

“And I was fifteen when I started dating your father.” Ginny reminds her, “And look at us now”.” she says looking at Harry with a disgustingly smitten look on her face, Harry takes her hand and kisses the back of it over the sounds of Albus fake gagging.

It's a very sweet moment, but it leaves her feeling ill.

The Weasley have always prided themselves for knowing what they want, most of them know which career path they want to follow before even starting at Hogwarts, almost everyone marries their first love, Ginny knew she wanted to marry Harry since the moment they met and aunt Fleur loves to tell the story of 10 year old Teddy proclaiming he was going to date Victoire someday, even Louis knew he wanted to be a dragonologist like uncle Charlie since the moment he could talk. Everyone knows who they are.

But Lily has always felt a little bit like one of those Rubik cubes Rose always carries around with its colours all over the place, and she's okay with that, she's okay with figuring herself out at her own pace, and even though she's known Lorcan her whole life and has liked him for years, she has never thought of him as something set in stone, not before and not now that they're dating. When he visits her a few days later, she doesn't see him as her boyfriend, she sees him as her future husband, and that's infinitely scarier.

When they're alone in her room, – or as alone as they can be with the door open, – and he goes for a hello kiss, she blurts out, “Did you know our mums want us to get married?”

Lorcan takes a step back and chuckles, “Yeah, My mum talks about it sometimes.”

“Don't you think it's too soon to think about that?” She asks.

“I mean, we’re not getting married right now.” He says, shrugging, then he takes her hands into his, “But I’d like that, yeah.” He says, giving her a boyish smile.

She knows he thinks he just said the right thing, but he's so, so wrong.

“Lorcan, that's crazy, we're fifteen.” She says, she starts pacing the room as Lorcan sits on her bed, looking at her with a confused frown, “We have two years of school left, you don't know yourself yet, I don't know myself yet.”

“Where is all of this coming from?” Lorcan asks.

“I don't think I can be with you forever and know myself at the same time.” Lily says almost to herself.

“Wait, wait, what? Lily, what are you talking about?” Lorcan says standing up and taking her by the shoulders “We don't have to talk about forever right now, we're having fun, right? I know I'm having fun with you.” Lily nods, avoiding his blue eyes and opting to look at a corner of her room, “Can’t that be enough for now?”

She opens and closes her mouth, unsure of what to say, “I- I think I need space right now.” She says after a moment.

She can feel Lorcan staring hard, but still, she refuses to look at him.

“Okay.” Lorcan says, crestfallen, he lets go of her shoulders and steps back, Lily knows he's waiting for her to say anything else, but she stays silent, staring at the corner, after a few uncomfortable seconds he just sighs and makes his way to the door, then he turns around again right before stepping out and looks at her, “I lov-.”

“Don't say it.” She rushes to say, finally looking at him, “Don't say it now.”

“Okay.” He says again and Lily tries her hardest to ignore how defeated he sounds, and then he leaves the room.

They keep exchanging short letters through the Christmas holidays but it doesn’t make her feel any less shitty, she knows she’ll break up with him next time she sees him, she decided before he even stepped outside her room, the space Lorcan gives her doesn’t change her mind, and he knows it too by the way he doesn’t spend Christmas at the burrow like he’d do any other year.

“Oh, troubles in paradise already?” James asks her mockingly when Lysander shows up without his twin brother.

“Shut it, James.” Lily snaps hotly.

But she doesn’t miss the way everyone looks at her with pity, and Ginny approaches her when no one else is looking and puts a hand on her shoulder, “Whatever it is, I’m sure you’ll overcome it.” She says in a motherly manner

And that just pisses her off, but she bites her tongue and nods shortly, she’s the slightest bit resentful of her mum, had she not spoken about bloody marriage, she could’ve gone on with her relationship blissfully ignorant of Lorcan thinking about marrying her.

At fifteen, total madness

Once they get back to the castle, he keeps avoiding her. Lily gives him one, two days of sneaking out of classrooms the second their classes are over and running the other way every time he sees her before she grows sick of it and corners him in a corridor during his prefect patrol duties one night after curfew.

“You can’t be out this late.” He says as greetings.

“You’re avoiding me.”

“So I’m aware.” They stand there in the dark corridor for a while until he says, “So? Are you breaking up with me or not?”

Lily wets her lips, she had prepared for this over the holidays, she wrote a speech and read it again and again as if studying for her O.W.L., but now she’s hyperaware of all the nosy paintings staring with ramp attention from the walls and so the only thing that comes out of her mouth is “I’m sorry.”

Lorcan sighs resigned, “I thought we were doing good.” He says, “I really liked you.”

“I liked you, too, but…”

“But?” He urges her, and she's not sure how to finish that sentence, so she just shrugs half-heartedly, he covers his eyes with the balls of his hands, letting out a shaky breath and for a moment she thinks he's going to cry right there, but then he uncovers his eyes and says, “Go back to your common room before I tell the head of your house.” in the same tone he uses to make the younger students listen to him.

Lily just nods and walks back to the common room almost on autopilot, she thought that maybe if she was the one to break things off it wouldn't hurt so much, but by the time she gets to her dormitory her eyes are watery and there's a growing heaviness in her chest, she holds it together long enough to cast a silencing spell on her bed and just then she lets it all out.

The next morning, she covers any traces of how much she cried with a spell and makeup, but when she gets to her first class of the day to find Lorcan sitting with Lysander, the former pointedly ignoring her and the latter looking daggers at her, she swallows the knot forming in her throat and sits with Hugo. The first week after the break up is rough, she wants to do nothing more than to cry in bed all day, so she fills her day with as many distractions as she can, she tortures her teammates with hours upon hours of Quidditch practices, gets on top of her homework, and spends any free time hanging out with just about anyone.

One night, some of her cousins take her to the Castle's kitchen, – even though Rose hates going there and spends a good portion of the night complaining about how It's 2024 and the wizarding world still employs house elves, – to stuff themselves with cake and ice cream.

“Why did you two break up anyways?” Lucy asks her over a spoonful of chocolate cake. Lily shrugs sluggishly, her own cake half forgotten on her lap.

“I thought you made a cute couple.” Says Roxanne.

“Yeah, I thought we were, too.” Lily says half-heartedly, she takes a small bite of her cake and thinks for a moment, trying to find the words to answer Lucy’s question, “I guess we wanted different things, he was way more committed than I was. And I, uhm, feel there's things I would miss out on if I stayed with him.”

Her cousins nod understandingly, Lucy raises her eyebrows suggestively and says, “You want your slut era.”

Dominique chokes on her ice cream as Rose gives Lucy a mortified look, “Do not say that again.” She says, Lily and Roxanne share equally confused expressions so Rose waves her hand and adds; “It's a muggle thing.” and after briefly explaining it, her eyes set on Lily, “I’m not telling you to not have your ‘slut era’ but please be responsible, if you ever need me to teach you a protection spell or a termination potion, just say the words.”

Things get easier over time, she still misses Lorcan terribly, – they were friends for years before anything happened between them, and it's hard to get used to his absence, – but she stops crying at night, and stops needing to fill every second of her day with things to not think of him. She doesn't have a ‘slut era’, but she does go out with some boys here and there, and now that she's single, she lets her mind wander a bit, too.

She thinks of one of the words Dominique taught her over the summer, bisexuality, and the puzzle in her mind’s eye takes form little by little. She starts to think maybe she doesn't stare so much at the ridiculously toned arms of Diya Sharma, the Hufflepuff beater, just because she loves the female anatomy, and maybe she's extra early to her Astronomy classes not because she likes that subject but because professor Miller is one of the prettiest people Lily has ever seen.

Maybe she hasn't spent years staring at the back of Emma Nott's head because her hair is silky but because she'd like to run her hands through it, maybe Nott’s eyes on her doesn't make her uncomfortable at all.

She spends months thinking about talking to her, and is close to doing it a few times, but every time she gets close enough to smell her strawberry scented perfume she ends up chickening out and changing her mind. It's embarrassing and a very un-Gryffindor behaviour, even when she's certain Nott's interested, she just can't. By the end of the year, she boards Hogwarts Express without exchanging a single word with the girl.

Next year, she thinks, next year she'll talk to Nott.