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Dan was depressed - just depressed.
It wasn’t like a mental breakdown or anything overly dramatic – it was just depression. Numbness.
Every time he smiled it was forced. Every time he laughed it was faked. Every time he told a joke it was to stop people from looking into his eyes and seeing how lifeless they were.
He had no spark anymore. He was like a bottle of coke that had been left out for too long. If his emotions had been drawn it would have been a flat line.
He wondered how so many people in the comments section didn’t notice it, how they didn’t pick up on his emotions, but he didn’t wonder for long because soon the numbness claimed him again and he didn’t care anymore.
He had no motivation to do anything, and it was only when he reminded himself he had to pay half the rent somehow that he summoned up the energy to drag himself from his bed to his chair and record something. Anything would do. Just so he could pay the rent.
The quality of his videos got worse, but no one noticed, because no one cared. The fans only cared about content, whether it was good or bad they gobbled it up like the greedy little shits they were.
Even as his videos turned to darker and darker subjects, no one seemed to notice. They just presumed he was fine, that he was just being dramatic. But he was being anything but dramatic.
How little life he had left was always understated in his videos. The hours of him losing all motivation and just sitting there were edited out, and those select sections that were included had often been retaken so many times he had the words imprinted on his brain for days afterwards.
No one saw through his façade of happiness. Not even Phil. Least of all Phil.
He was convinced Dan was happy. He thought his boyfriend of yester-year was getting on just fine without him. He was so deluded.
If only he could see me now, Dan thought bitterly as he laid on his bed, which he hadn’t moved from in days, not even to eat.
But Phil couldn’t see him now, and Phil probably wouldn’t notice even if he could see Dan now, because Phil didn’t care anymore.
Dan wasn’t blaming Phil for not caring (after all, what idiot would actually enjoy Dan’s company) but Dan did miss Phil.
He missed the late night cuddles and the whispered “I love you”s they had shared and the confessions about things they’d done as children and the comfort – the comfort of knowing someone would always be there for you.
Because who did Dan have now? His family, sure, but his brother had pretty much sworn a vendetta against him and his mother had never been the most supportive of Dan and Phil’s relationship. There was no one else, besides Phil, but he wasn’t exactly an option anymore.
It wasn’t like Phil had said he couldn’t still speak to him and he wouldn’t be there for Dan, but things were different now. They had ended on good terms (or so Phil thought) but that didn’t mean Phil would still be prepared to hug Dan late at night when his brain wouldn’t shut up or to listen to his intoxicated ramblings.
Dan had no one now. And the thought of that almost made him cry.
But he didn’t cry, because he was numb. Numb and just tired of it all.
The only get out clause he had was suicide, but Dan wasn’t so stupid that he thought it would hurt no one if he killed himself. He wouldn’t do that. Not yet, anyway. Maybe after another week or so of numbness.
When Dan and Phil had been a thing, each could have spoken to the other – but now… Dan didn’t even think it was worth considering. Phil would offer practical advice now, when all he needed was someone to hold him.
That was all Dan needed right now. Just someone to hold him and hug him and stay with him and whisper sweet nothings into his ear when he couldn’t sleep…
And that someone had been Phil.
He needed Phil. And that was it. Not his mother, not his brother – Phil.
But he couldn’t have him. The one person he truly wanted didn’t want him. The person he’d been crushing on since he’d first watched that video with the kid with the northern accent in it had dumped him.
Dan almost wished he’d never clicked on that thumbnail, never watched that video, but he figured that having this much of Phil was better than having none. At least it had happened at all.
He wished he knew how to make Phil love him again, how to go back to what they’d had before, but he’d mucked it up. He knew that. Phil had made that pretty clear when he’d been dumping him.
“Dan,” he’d said, “We need to talk… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t deal with this relationship. It just feels too unhealthy and it feels like we’re criticising each other all the time… And I just can’t do it… So I guess what I’m saying is I think we should split up… Or at least have a break for a short while.”
Like an idiot Dan had just stood there nodding and smiling, while feeling completely crushed inside. He’d pretended to be agreeing with Phil, while trying to swallow back his tears.
When he’d been alone later that day and the opportunity to cry had come, he couldn’t. By that point he’d been numb and exhausted and had put too much energy into looking happy in that video Phil had filmed.
And now the numb feeling still hadn’t left and he still didn’t have any energy and he still had to fake happiness. He’d thought the numbness would lessen with time, but it hadn’t – it had got worse. He’d thought he’d get over the overwhelming feeling of loneliness, but all that had happened was he’d got used to it.
This was Dan’s life now. His life was numbness. And no matter how much he pretended, he wasn’t happy.