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When you romanced your trash can, you had fully expected him to be the type of guy who acts like he doesn't care what you do or what happens.
And Cam does exactly that but.. He's not very good at it like you thought he would be, surprisingly. He wants to come off as this, cool-as-a-cucumber guy to you and while most of the time you play along, you know that it isn't who he is, truly.
Times when he was bored with meaningless chit chat gave you the impression that he might just not be the best candidate for a boyfriend. Or when he doesn't outright say affectionate words besides his usual flirtation and nicknames, you figured he just wasn't the type to be romantic. Which, don't get me wrong, you were completely fine with. This is what you wanted after all.
There's this depth to his character you can't seem to explain, especially not when somebody asks what you see in him. You don't know what it is about him that you like, you just do. And that's enough for the both of you. Isn't that sweet?
The relationship would continue to bloom at its steady pace, Cameron seemingly keeping up his sarcasm and blunt personality very well with you. Even in his attempts to be affectionate, he still has to insert a snarky comment or two.
You assume that's just how he is.. but in reality, he might be just the tiniest bit afraid of letting himself be vulnerable.
Especially when it's you. It's not like he doesn't trust you, heavens no. You could ask him to do just about anything and he would in the blink of an eye, no second-guessing.
But he's never been the best at relationships. Something about being so intertwined with somebody else in every possible aspect was so complex. Cameron might be a more intelligent individual than he lets on but love is one of those things he lacks knowledge of.
People might assume he isn't one to want things like that. Being serious with someone for the rest of his life sounded absurd.. but that doesn't mean he wouldn't want to try.
After his previous partner(s), he thought he'd know something by now. Falling in love and getting dumped would mean you learn from your mistakes.. but why does it feel like the only thing he got from that was pain, trust issues and no lessons?
Maybe everyone was lying about that. You can't learn anything from heartbreak. People just make shit up to cope in hopes it would make them better.
In hopes, it would make *him* better.
In hopes, maybe he would find somebody else that won't take his heart and dump it like every single person he knew did.
It's why he can't let himself fall like that again. Not even with you. Not even with how you're the only one, swear to God, who has ever made him feel like this. Like, if you were ever to leave him too, for the first time, he wouldn't mind it. Because loving you would be worth every pain in the world. But he couldn't imagine you leaving him, just the thought of it hurts so much. He's trying to convince himself he would be fine if you did, you're worth the pain. And that's true, to some extent. That extent being, he wouldn't be fine.
In fact, if you left him now, he would just give up on love altogether. That's one thing he's confident of.
At some point in time, you start noticing little things. Like when he grabbed your wrist when you were about to leave and ask with the most punchable smug face ever, "Forgetting something?
You'd roll your eyes, maybe let out a small laugh. "I love you," you'd remind him.
"And?" his brow raises, like he's expecting something obvious.
"And..what?" you retorted, oblivious.
"What, you won't miss me outside?" (Translation: 'please miss me. please don't let me be easy to live without.')
Cameron keeps his smug at the second question, but you know there's some sincerity in there.
"Of course I will! Now let me go!"
"Ah-ah, not just yet."
"What now?"
Your boyfriend would then tap his cheek, which of course you obliged and kissed. When you pulled away though, his lips slightly pouted and his eyes squinted at you like he was unsatisfied.
"That felt short. Do it again."
"Cam!"
"Or I'm not letting you go."
"I'm going to be late for work!"
"Don't care. One more."
You let out a dramatic groan, and pretended like you totally didn't want to kiss him again. In the end he always gets what he wants from you, though he doesn't have to know how happy it makes you feel to provide that comfort for him.
This was just one of the many ways he would subtly ask for your reassurance. That this is real, that you do love him. But there was something he needed constant assurance of that he didn't know how to bring up without seeming like a clingy boyfriend. (Which, he is. But he doesn't want you to think that he is. That would be totally 'uncool', as he might say.)
And that was, assurance that you will stay.
Truth be told, it was all he wanted. Someone to say that they love him and mean it this time around.
But how can he be so sure that you won't end up like the others? That you won't dump him too? That you won't get tired of him?
It's scary, as much as he hates to admit it.
He's terrified of losing you.
And as much as he wants to keep up this nonchalant act of sarcasm and sharp comebacks- deep down, it was just to mask his constant need for the love you provide.
There are other times this side of him would slip out in his behavior, like how it seems as if his hold on you in hugs would be tighter with every one, or how when you jokingly say something about being upset with him and wanting to distance yourself would result in him immediately becoming serious.
On your end, you were still fifty-fifty on whether or not he was taking your relationship seriously. You were sure he was sincere, and you were sure he has some issues since his past relationships. But what if you were wrong and this isn't as serious to him as it is to you?
But, one night he would completely seal that doubt away from you.
You had just gotten back from work, and of course the first thing you do when you get home was look for your boyfriend. You're as attached to him as he is, believe it or not.
He was at his usual spot, arms crossed and eyes immediately going to you upon your entrance. Was he like this for a while or did he just get into that pose when he heard the door open? No one knows.
"Hey, hot stuff." Cam broke the silence with that grin you always love.
"I think you mean 'hot mess'." a tired chuckle left you while made your way towards him and greeted him with a kiss. "Miss me?"
"You wish." He scoffed. You didn't need to know he was counting every second until your return like a dog waiting for its owner. That's pathetic, and Cameron is anything but that.
"Oh, so you didn't? That's good since I have overtime tomorrow.." You didn't actually have overtime. You just wanted Mr. Nonchalant to drop the act.
And snap, your plan works perfectly. His eyebrows instantly furrow and the tone of his voice changes to one of...disappointment? Frustration? Whatever you call it, it was out of his usual. "You're shitting me, right? Wouldn't that be the- what, gajillionth time this week?"
"What's it matter? You didn't miss me while I was out! You'll be fine."
"Come on. Tell me you're joking. You know I did miss you."
There it is, that is what you wanted. Your boyfriend to admit that he's not as cool as he says he is.
Your eyebrow raised at his honesty, a smug expression that looked like you might've picked it up from him crept on your face. "How much?"
"How much what??" he got a little impatient with your dilly-dallying. Cam's eyes were back to being squinted and his lips back to being pouty, like it always does when something he doesn't like happens.
"Howww much did you miss me?"
The tiniest bit annoyed, he groaned and buried his face into both of his hands. "A lot." the words came out muffled.
"What was that?" You added in a singsongy tone of voice.
"A lot."
"A lot, lot? Or like, a tiny lot?"
"A lot, lo- can you answer the question already??"
"Right, sorry...what was the question again?"
Cameron lifted his head up from his palms just to squint at you again. You always liked when he was being pouty, and he hated how much you did because it only means you'd do things to get him to pout and he would fall for it. "Seriously?"
At his tone, you couldn't help but wholeheartedly laugh even after an exhausting day. You started to feel a bit bad for him, but not really, considering the amount of times your boyfriend has messed with you just like this.
After your laughter has calmed down, you finally manage to muster a reply. "I'm kidding! I don't have overtime tomorrow."
His shoulders visibly relaxed at the confirmation. He didn't appreciate you pulling his leg but at least he knows he doesn't have to wait for you longer than he already does.
"Good. I mean, if you did, I wouldn't care anyways. Like, whatever." Seems that he realized he was being too honest just now. He has to revert to the only defense mechanism he knows; acting like he doesn't need you when he actually really, really, really, does.
Despite his words, Cam's actions contradicted them when he silently took your wrist and pulled you in for a hug whether you liked it or not. (Of course you do.) Your chin met his strong shoulder while his met yours, before his arms went around your waist. You felt his breath hit your skin as you stand right there in the kitchen like some rom-com scene where the lighting changes and the music becomes soft.
The comfortable silence was then broken by you taking this opportunity to tease him again. "You *did* miss me a lot, didn't you?"
His head tilted towards the crook of your neck, far enough to be able to speak but also close enough for his response to come out muffled. "...Whatever. Sure."
"So you didn't?"
"I said *sure.*"
"That's not a yes."
"It's not a no neither, smart-ass."
"Did you or did you not?"
"Why does it matter??"
At that, you pulled him away from you to do.. something. Maybe stare at his face more intensely?
"It doesn't! But it would be nice to know if you missed me.."
You attempted your best pout. Hoping that this trick works just as well as your previous ones.
It doesn't. He immediately laughed at your half-assed try. "Yeah, like that's gonna work on me. Cam. Sentient can. Not a wussy who falls for his partner's obvious attempt at guilt-tripping. Or whatever this is you're doing."
Your pout deepened at his comment, like that's going to help your situation. Though maybe it did with the way his hands went to hold your face in them, thumbs stroking your cheek in a manner where it was like he was tempted to squish them.
"Come on. Do you really need me to say it?" Cameron's eyebrow raised again at how you weren't giving in.
"You never say anything like it to me.." you replied with the sulkiest tone of voice you could muster.
"Do I have to for you to know I love you?"
...Everytime he says those words, his heart would sink a little further.
Not because they were untrue.. matter of fact, it was so, unbelievably true that it scared him more than anything.
What if you didn't feel the same amount of love? Would you be freaked out by how much he truly felt?
On your end, something about the way he looked when he let those words fall out of his mouth made your heart flutter. His eyes seemed to deepen as they bore into yours, and it was one of those moments where there wasn't a trace of sarcasm in his reply. Just pure, genuine love for the one he wants.
In that moment you remember; this is why you love him. While he may not be the most affectionate and good with words, Cam knows just the way to have you melt in his arms over and over again no matter how many times he may irritate you. He knows all of your weaknesses front-and-back. You're a little irked that you can't say the same.
His smug grin returned to his face when you went quiet for more than 5 seconds. "Cat got your tongue? Or should I say Cam?"
That resulted in you giving him an eyeroll. "Way to ruin the mood!" though you're just giving him what he wants by falling for bait.
"What mood? I'm asking. Very politely, might I add."
"Whatever! I can't with you.."
You pretended to be annoyed, but he knew you were a sucker for times like these so he just laughed it off and gave your cheek a kiss.
"...hey," he spoke up, hands letting go of your face and instead going to hold your hands in his. You responded with an affirmative hum before returning the eye contact.
"...are you gonna say it back?"
..that's new.
You've never seen him look at you like that.
Like he needed to hear you return his words.
Like he was longing for it, for you.
"You want me to..?" Of course he did. You knew that.
"..if you want to. Whatever."
Also known as, 'this is where you break my heart if you so please.'
You stare at him for a long while. This felt weirdly strange. Not in a bad way! You just feel like this is a side of him you've never seen before and..maybe it's a good thing?
"Are you alright?" Why were you delaying your reply? It wasn't a big deal. You love him just as much.
There wasn't even room for a breath before he instantly replied. "I'm fine now can you please just-" Cam inhales for a second before exhaling. Was he nervous?
"...please. Say it back,"
Another stare.. before you eventually replied as sincere as you could, "Of course..I love you too."
He relaxes, and his breathing calms down.
You couldn't help but be a little concerned, and perhaps curious at his sudden change of mood. "What brought that on..?"
"What? No, nothing. Just.. wanted to hear it."
"Doesn't sound like nothing.."
Cameron's thumbs caressed your knuckles gently while he stared down at your hands. It's like a different person talking to you.
"..I've just been, worried, you could say. Or, whatever you call it." he paused to gather his words. This was difficult, emotions are stupid. "Like.. you might.."
"Might...?" you chimed.
"Hold your horses, I'm thinking."
"Sorry.."
He was really thinking about how to place his next reply which is something he rarely needs to do.
At some point he didn't know how else to put it so he ends up blurting out;
"I'm worried you- ah, shit. How the hell do I say this?" His hands let go of yours so he can frustratingly groan into his palms.
One more deep breath. Surely he'll get it out this time. "...Fuck. Okay. I just don't want you to, like-"
"..end up like the rest of my relationships did." That was not what he wanted to say, fully. But it'll work to get his message across.
"You think we're not gonna work out?" Your eyebrows furrow at even the thought of it. Was he thinking of leaving you.. was this not enough?
"No! Fuck- shit, I don't know. Okay? I.." It was a sight to see. Cameron is always confident in his words and his beliefs but this time.. he doesn't know what to believe.
With a sigh, he looks at you more intently, "I want this to work." for once it's sincere, and for once he doesn't have room to be snarky. "I really want this to work. And it's scaring the shit out of me that I do."
Now it was your turn to cup one side of his face, you've never seen him so vulnerable before. This was good- but it scared you just as much. "I know," the words barely left your lips. "I am, too.."
"You are?"
"You have no idea.." the chuckle that left you seemed to be unfit for the situation but..it helped somewhat.
Your hands go down to take his, rubbing your thumb against his knuckles just as he did to yours. "But I know one thing.."
You let the silence linger for more than what was comfortable.
Cam notices this and breaks it for his own sake. "...what's that?"
"That I love you."
His small laughter was one of relief. Never has those words sounded genuine when they were meant for him. Until now, that is. "God. You're unbelievably corny.."
"I know you're into it!" you reply with a laugh of your own. The heaviness of the air seemed to evaporate at this small moment.
Cameron pulls you into a tight hug, repeatedly kissing your cheek. Grateful for everything you've given him but not having the words to express it. Only actions.
"I love you." he whispered into your ear, sounding like a different person with how sweet it was.
"I love you too."
Fin.