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If you’re sleeping, are you dreaming?
If you’re dreaming, are you dreaming of me?
I can’t believe you actually picked me
The first time that Thorin and Fili were alone together, the experience was quiet different without Kili in the room. Kili was the catalyst, the one who brought them together. Being without him was an altogether different matter.
He had left on a small trip, an excursion to a northern mining camp. Bofur and Bifur were going to scout the area to see if there was any real worth buried in the ground there, and Balin and Ori were going to polish off some not-quite accurate maps Balin had acquired from a Northern Ranger. Kili had leapt at the chance to go on another adventure.
Fili said that he would not go, because he was still working hard to earn enough money to pay for the journey the next year. Kili almost hadn’t left when he realised his brother wasn’t going, but Fili told him that he should see a bit more of the world, a small taste before they go on the real adventure. Thorin had also encouraged him, knowing it would be a good experience and an opportunity to prove his skills and maturity.
To which Kili had grinned and replied, “What maturity?”
But he had gone nonetheless, armed with bow and arrow and sword, a new pair of boots gifted to him by Fili. Grinning like a child, he mounted his pony and rode alongside Ori, his fellow youth, both of them leaving without an overseer for the first time. Kili had never gone anywhere without Thorin and Ori was always under Dori’s watchful eye – of course, Balin would look after them, but their usual authority figures were absent. It was quite exciting for them both.
Thorin had muttered something to Balin about making sure they were both home in one piece, and Balin had simply patted his king on the arm gently and replied, “There’s not much trouble they’ll get into on this trip. But I swear it nonetheless, the lads will be safe.”
For the next few days, Fili was working more than usual at the smith’s and the carpenter’s, taking more commissions than he usually would to make up for his brother’s absence, and also staying late to work on his own private projects. Since Thorin had told him that they were going to Erebor, Fili had been fashioning daggers and axeheads for himself, and arrowheads for Kili. He now had a fine collection of throwing knives and various weapons.
He had, on the third day of Kili’s absence, spent most of his day at the carpenter’s, crafting a child’s cot for a local dwarf family. It was quite a hefty job, but it would pay well. He wandered home and opened the door, stared at the empty room, empty chair, empty bed. It was only a moment before he decided he would visit Thorin. He didn’t want to be alone again tonight. Alone didn’t suit him well, after having spent so many years with Kili at his side.
Throwing his sweaty work clothes on the floor and donning some cleaner cloth, Fili grabbed his coat and his fur boots before wandering back outside, and making his way towards Thorin’s house.
Fili wondered if they might one day live underground again. It would be much finer to be able to go from one place to another without having to trudge through snow and dirt, to be able to walk from the drinking hall back home without needing fur boots and scarves and gloves. It would be a far more comfortable existence.
He knew that Thorin had never been truly committed to living in Ered Luin, hence the lack of a proper dwarvish residence. They had build temporary homes on the edge of the mountain, rather than finding a home beneath it. It was because Thorin had always known they were meant to be at Erebor, and he would never settle anywhere else but home.
Fili wanted to live at Erebor. He wasn’t interested in gold as much as he was in the mountain itself. What he had been told of the grand halls, of the throne room – of course, the dragon would have done some damage, but he would help rebuild it. He could be resident carpenter, helping to refurnish the palace, and maybe he and Kili would get work as bricklayers. There would certainly be a need for it, and they took work where they could find it.
When he had told this to Bofur, he had laughed and replied, “That’s a fine idea, a prince building his own palace.”
“I’d build one right in this mountain, if I had the tools,” Fili had grinned. “Besides, what’s a prince without a palace? I’ll need to get it sorted eventually.”
He knew why the idea was amusing, but despite his heritage, Fili had always had to work and labour to be able to live comfortably. He was in the same shoes as every other Ereborian dwarf and he was not ashamed to work to earn a living. It was all he had ever known.
He knew Thorin was bitter about having to work so hard, because he had already worked to create a home in Erebor, before it was taken away. He was going through it all over again, and it was difficult for him. But Fili would help, when the time came, to make sure Thorin could be King Under the Mountain once more.
When Thorin answered the door and saw Fili, he smiled. It was a beautiful thing to see, when for so long his uncle had been struggling to keep his spirits up. Fili stepped inside and embraced him, words slightly muffled by Thorin’s shoulder as he said, “Evening, uncle.”
“Fili,” Thorin replied. “It is good to see you, unexpected as you are.”
Fili left his boots by the door, knowing they were dirty. “I thought not having Kili follow me everywhere would be a relief,” he joked. “Though now it appears I have developed a sort of separation anxiety.”
“Understandable. You are hardly ever apart from him,” said Thorin. “But I am glad you came here.”
“Where else would I go?” Fili asked.
“To the tavern, perhaps.”
“I’m offended you think that I enjoy the tavern’s company more than I enjoy yours,” Fili joked.
Thorin made a small gruff laugh. “The service is far better.”
Grinning as he removed his coat and went to hang it by the door, Fili said, “Oh, I don’t know, Thorin. Your services are always fairly satisfactory.”
This made Thorin raise an eyebrow. “Satisfactory?” he repeated. “Now I’m offended.”
Fili laughed, his cruel joke having hit the mark, but his laughter turned to gasps when Thorin stepped behind him and brushed his hair to the side, and began to kiss at the skin of his neck.
In between shaky breaths, Fili managed to speak. “Uncle – I – I did not know you wanted this tonight.”
“I have wanted you since the first night I shared with Kili,” Thorin murmured, a hand sliding down to settle on Fili’s hip, pulling him back to press their bodies together. “When he told me that you were his lover, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”
Fili could feel Thorin’s hardness pressed against his lower back and he felt his heart jump up to his throat. When he felt Thorin’s hand gently tugging his hair, to expose more of his neck, Fili sighed, the feeling of Thorin’s hot mouth on his skin causing his insides to stir and his mind to grow dizzy.
Any doubt he’d had about Thorin wanting him was washed away when Thorin claimed his mouth, turning him to kiss him, his tongue exploring the inside of Fili’s, his teeth dragging across his lips. He kissed him with a fierce energy Fili knew was reserved for his lovers.
And when Thorin touched him, it was more than just skin on skin. Fili felt like his entire body was being praised by Thorin’s hands and his mouth, that every inch of skin touched by the king was now sacred. His hands trailed fire across his flesh and it made Fili feel quite alive, in a way he had never quite known. Kili was as passionate a lover as he could ever ask for, but Thorin’s love was different. It was burning, it was unfathomable.
It felt like it lasted forever, but the fire was still crackling when they finally lay together in a heap, the breath taken from them and their desires having been fulfilled. They lay together in a mess of arms and legs, their usual flawlessly-braided hair falling about in messy strands and falling together, gold entwined with black and silver, their hands still gently touching and grazing skin.
Thorin was the first to speak. “I had not thought I could ever have this happiness.”
“You only ever had to ask,” Fili replied quietly, gently kissing his uncle’s jaw and relishing the smile he received.
Brushing a particularly bothersome piece of hair away, Thorin said, “I know. I was afraid. It has been so many years since I loved anyone, Fili – I wasn’t brave enough to let myself want you. And now, I regret not knowing this, this feeling... I am sorry it took so long for me to let myself love you.”
Fili stared at Thorin for a long moment, eyes dancing as they flickered from his uncle’s mouth to his eyes. He said, “We have each other now, and that is all that matters.” He kissed Thorin, and the older dwarf’s rumble of approval resonated through his own body. Fili shivered, before he said, “I wish Kili had propositioned you sooner.”
“He is was a blessing in disguise,” Thorin concurred.
Fili grinned. “We would not be in this position were it not for Kili.”
“There’s many a position I’d not be in, were it not for Kili.”
The wholehearted laughter of both dwarves echoed off the stone walls. Fili managed to settle himself once more before saying, “It is a good thing that at least one of us was foolish enough to do such a thing.”
“Did he do the same to you?” Thorin asked suddenly, and Fili glanced towards him.
“Of course he did,” he replied with a lazy smile. “Though it took me longer to say yes.”
“How long?”
“He tried to seduce me for three nights in a row. He said that I wanted him just as much as he wanted me, and he was right,” Fili said with a small laugh. “He would ask me about the tent in my breeches whenever I said no. He knew I was lying.”
Thorin smiled. “That sounds like him. But Fili, if I must ask – why did you lie?”
Fili shifted slightly, a little unsure of himself. “At first it was because he was my brother. I thought that if our relationship changed to something more, I would not be able to draw a line between ‘sibling’ and ‘lover’. It did not take me long to realise that it was not of consequence, and I would love him all the same. Then I thought of the royal family and what might happen if we need to produce an heir. But I knew that even if one day, I have to marry another, Kili will always be mine, and he will always be with me.”
“And you will always be his,” Thorin said, reassuring Fili in a way no-one else quite could. Thorin was strong and safe and warm, a safe haven.
“And we are always yours,” Fili replied. They shared a smile, before falling into mutual, calm silence.
Despite being far more patient than his brother, Fili was no less curious, and it was not long before he had more questions. “Uncle?”
“Yes, Fili?”
“Did you – did you and Frerin ever have a relationship, like Kili and I?” Fili asked carefully, aware of the hazardous nature of the question.
Thorin was still for a moment before he sighed. “No. Not like you and your brother. Frerin and I shared a few – moments – in our youth. But we were never lucky enough to be as close as you and Kili.”
“Why do you suppose that is?” Fili muttered. “Kili and I are quite unusual.”
“I think it because you are all each other has,” Thorin replied gently. “When I was young, I had a horde of cousins and friends to spend my days with. But you and Kili have grown up quite distant from many other younglings. I wish I could have given you a better home, but at the same time – at the same time, I am so glad you share such a profound love with your brother. It is rare, and to be cherished.”
Fili blinked. “Thorin, you’ve given us a wonderful home. You have done so much for us.”
Thorin simply kissed his forehead, leaving it at that.
Not a second later, Fili said in a hushed voice, “Uncle?”
“You’re full of questions tonight,” Thorin murmured, but he agreed to answer nonetheless.
“Who was your first lover?”
Thorin’s eyes met Fili’s, his nephew’s eyes alight, and Thorin realised he was excited. Not quite sexually excited (though probably a little), it was a little childish. It was quite fascinating.
Pulling his arm tighter around Fili’s shoulder and drawing him close, Thorin said in a very quiet murmur, “If I tell you, will you promise not to tell any other?”
“May I tell Kili?”
“Not even Kili,” Thorin said, and Fili drew a quick breath. If it was a secret so well-kept that he couldn’t even tell his other half, it was a very big secret indeed. And Thorin had an idea that Fili quite liked secrets, he liked the rush of knowing something someone else did not.
Placing his lips right beside Fili’s ear, Thorin whispered, “Dwalin.”
Fili drew back, a look of shock on his face and yet still with that mischievous glint in his eye. “Really?”
Thorin nodded, and chuckled as he said, “Yes. He had been Frerin’s bedmate for a while when I asked him to take me into his bed. At first Dwalin would not, but after my brother gave his blessing he was more than willing. We spent many nights together over the years, but he has been away at the Iron Hills. I was glad to have him back here, but we have not been together since he left.”
Fili’s shock had left him and now that dark curiosity was overwhelming him. “Who was on top?” he asked, and Thorin could hear the tone in his voice, that low, sweet rasp that said he was having sinful thoughts now, no longer innocent childish prying. And if Thorin hadn’t noticed the tone in his voice, he certainly noticed the way Fili playfully bit at his earlobe.
Thorin groaned. “He was.”
“Now there is something I should like to see.”
Taking Fili’s hair gently in hand and pulling back to expose his neck, Thorin began to mouth at the underside of his jaw, causing his nephew to writhe against him. He murmured against his skin as his hand trailed down Fili’s flesh, “Mmm, though I can think of something far more interesting – to see Dwalin taking you as he pleases.”
Fili gasped, and Thorin smiled. Kili had informed him that his brother was most accommodating once a few wicked words had been exchanged, that he would fall apart at a voice whispering obscenities in his ear. It rendered him almost helpless.
“I could ask him. And he would do it, if I asked,” Thorin growled, hand reaching down to dig into the flesh of Fili’s thigh, relishing the startled moan that followed. “I could ask him to fuck you – or better still, I’d ask you to ride him. I know you’ll do anything I tell you to.”
“Yes,” Fili hissed, raw energy radiating from him, unable to stop from feeling warm and wanting all over again, despite the fact that they had been fucking not half-an-hour earlier. Fili’s hand clawed its way into Thorin’s tangled hair and grasped a hold, keeping him close, and Thorin growled.
“I should like to see you when you take Dwalin for the first time,” Thorin said lowly, dangerously. “Perhaps I should fuck you first, to prepare you for him – he’s so large, for a moment you will be afraid that you’ll break, but you won’t. You’ll just keep letting him fuck you deeper because you can’t get enough.”
As Thorin spoke, his hand had moved around to Fili’s entrance, sticky and sensitive, still a little stretched from their earlier activities, and he rubbed the flesh around the outside. Fili was a little startled at first, but not a moment had passed before he was pressing back against the Thorin’s hand, trying to get him further. But Thorin was teasing, not slipping more than a centimetre of his finger inside, not giving his nephew any relief, only waking the flesh.
Fili groaned, “Uncle – please, do not play games. I need you.”
“You needed me before. Was I not enough?” Thorin asked, teasing him further as he brushed a cruel hand over Fili’s rapidly hardening cock.
The gasp that Fili made was sinful. “You were, you always are,” he panted, “But – you – you can’t talk like that and expect me not to react!”
“Maybe it’s not just talk,” Thorin murmured, before he quickly moved, keeping Fili facing down as he leaned over him, kicking Fili’s legs open, grasping a hold of his own half-hard member, still not quite touching his nephew.
Fili stretched his legs further, more desperate than Thorin had ever seen him. He was always so patient and considerate. In this moment, he was behaving more like his brother. Not entirely a bad thing, but it was unusual nonetheless.
“What has made you so desperate?” Thorin murmured. “You are never this needy, Fili.”
Fili glanced over his shoulder and replied, “Your voice, Thorin. It makes my blood feel like fire in my veins, it makes me hard like nothing else does.”
Thorin leaned down and pressed a kiss between Fili’s shoulderblades, before very slowly pressing inside of his nephew, knowing he wasn’t quite properly prepared and not quite slick enough, but knowing he would not hurt him.
Fili gasped, eyes wide and dilated, and Thorin growled, “This is what it will feel like, if Dwalin fucks you.”
“I – what?”
“Even if you’ve already been prepared, already fucked, already thought you’ve been stretched to your limits – he’ll make you feel like you’ve never been touched. Mahal, Fili, you’re so tight – I could stay inside you forever –”
Fili writhed and moaned, unable to take being told such things, unable to tolerate Thorin’s voice. It drove him to his limits. “Uncle, please! Please, just – take me, make me yours, I can’t take it any more –”
And Thorin thought that it was a very nice invitation. So he did.
He placed both hands on either side of Fili’s body and drove his hips forward, groaning as he felt Fili’s insides clench around him. He drew back and thrust harder, and his nephew cried out. For a moment Thorin thought he was hurt, but then he muttered, “Thorin – please, don’t stop.”
After that, Thorin did not. He didn’t think he would be able to finish again, not before Fili started asking all those questions – now, buried inside Fili, tight and hot, fitting around him like sword into sheath, Thorin knew he would spill more seed yet. And Fili was already reaching a hand down between his legs, trying to pleasure himself.
Thorin, being a little cruel, batted his hand away. “Not yet,” he grunted, taking Fili’s hips and pulling up until he was on his knees, and he continued to pound inside of him. The sounds Fili made were unlike anything Thorin had ever heard of him, desperate cries of pleasure that fuelled the fire of Thorin’s passion.
Having already finished inside his nephew once tonight, it took longer for Thorin to reach his own climax. And he would not touch Fili, or even let him touch himself, until he could feel his insides tighten and his heartbeat elevate.
Thorin wanted to speak, to tell Fili how wonderful he felt, how amazing it was to be inside of him, but his tongue was unable to form sentences. Instead, he growled Fili’s name over and over again, reaching around to grasp and pump at Fili’s aching hardness, listening to the howl of pleasure his nephew made when he finished, and Thorin’s vision went white for a moment as he spilled himself inside the blonde dwarf.
It was only after he had finished that he let out a groan and collapsed on the younger dwarf, who was panting as though he had run for miles. Thorin lazily kissed at Fili’s shoulder, murmuring small encouragement and praise, watching as Fili smiled.
“Are you well, Fili?” Thorin asked, finally shifting to the side, running his hand absent-mindedly down his nephew’s spine.
Fili smiled. “I am more than well. And you are more than satisfactory.”
Chuckling, Thorin stared up at the ceiling. “I had to prove myself somehow.”
“I shall expect nothing less at our next encounter.”
Grasping a hold of Fili and pulling him into his chest, Thorin squeezed him and said, “I shall never give anything but my all.” He paused. “Except if I feel particularly worn, and you will just do as you are told.”
Fili laughed at that. “Very well.”
Being with Fili was so different. Kili was an itch that needed scratching, a hunger to be sated. It was not better or worse than being enveloped by Fili, sinking further and further into a deep, warm place where it felt like nothing was impossible. Loving Kili was like jumping into an abyss, and loving Fili was like being caught.
When their skin had cooled and their heartbeats finally dropped back to a slow, steady pace, and their lungs were not aching for air, Fili murmured into his uncle’s chest, “You do know that I love you, Thorin?”
Thorin kissed the top of his head. “I know. And I love you.”
He watched Fili as the younger drifted off to sleep, now completely spent, safe and sound in Thorin’s arms. Thorin was truly blessed to have such lovers as these. He knew many lived without knowing love, and he felt sorry for the years he had wasted not spent with Fili and Kili.
Trying not to dwell on the past, Thorin inhaled deeply and relaxed, feeling far more comfortable with Fili’s warm body beside him, and he fell into a calm and dreamless sleep.