Chapter Text
You slipped behind a back curtain flying past eager stage hands. They were all calling out to you trying to ask you what you needed; a few of them were probably genuinely concerned. One of your bandmates dodged out of your rampage to the dressing room. You would have normally stopped to apologize but you knew he understood. You did this every so often and no one ever questioned it. They all knew how messed up you were. Ever since you almost killed your girlfriend you’ve been a bitter mess, life void of meaning. She never really loved you and you supposed you loved her because she was controlling you. She only dated you for your money and to get notoriety, but still... you missed having someone at least pretend they loved you for you.
You pushed the heavy door open and stepped inside. A warm breeze immediately washed you over with the smells of Washington. Before you realized your mistake, the door clicked and everything was dark. Fuck. You turned to the door behind you and just stared at it. There was no handle. You were locked out of the fucking concert hall with only an hour till show time. Lusus Fucking Chigger Ass Bitch Fuck you were so dead. Your manager is going to be livid.
You turn to take in your surroundings. Your keen troll sight, well adjusted to the dark, takes in a back alley with no security. Hm... guess you’ll have to walk around. You have no idea how to get back to the other side so you just start walking. You follow the right path of the alley until you come to a bustling sidewalk. A short human man practically jumps at you from around the corner. His toothy grin is full of rotting teeth.
“Hey a Sburb fan! Nice Karkat costume! Going to the concert? I have two extra tickets right here. Five hundred a pop! Interested?”
You were about to say no but then someone else bumped you and you found yourself being lost in a sea of people. The sight of the alleyway disappeared behind dozens of heads. Gog you hated being so fucking short. You looked for the ticket man. Maybe he could give you directions? But despite your efforts he was gone. Great Karkat. You’re twice as lost. You should have just stayed put. You thought about your phone and mentally smacked yourself. Duh. Just call someone. But who would pick up right before a show? You ran through a list of names in your head. You supposed Gamzee was the safest. He always seemed to answer no matter how baked he was. You reached into your pocket. Your finger touched the cool edge of nothing because fucking dammit you left that on the lounge table.
You look around for a place that might harbor a phone. A small bar sign announced free wifi. You figured where there’s internet there are phones. You crossed the throng of people over to the bar. The door had no bouncer, which you found odd, so you just shoveled your way in. There wasn’t any loud music or pulsating light, just quiet tables with patrons eating wings and discussing sports. The only thing familiar to you was the smell of cigars. You found your way to the bathroom area hoping to hit the jackpot, and you did. A single payphone sat snugly between the guys and girls doors. You were so relieved to see it. That is... until you got a closer look. A white sign apologized for the phone being out of service. You cursed under your breath. Could this be any worse? Fuck it. You know what? You had a bigger bulge than this. You were just going to man up and stop this shitfest in its tracks. You grabbed the blue plaid shoulder of the nearest patron and whirled him around to face you.
The boy gives you a stern look before asking, “Can I help you with something?”
You frown at him at first glance but then the image of his face really hits you. Your frown dissipates. It falls into a loosely shut gawk. The guy in front of you is gorgeous. Not movie star gorgeous but subtle and handsome. His eyes are so... so... blue. You’ve never seen eyes like that before. It took you a minute to even register you were staring at a human. All you could see was his eyes. His blue, blue eyes. The human raises an eyebrow.
“Take a picture. It’ll last longer.”
And with that he turns back to his table, mumbling something under his breath. You just keep looking at him stupidly and slowly lower your hand. What’s happening to you? Are you in shock? Morbid fascination? Why can’t you get his eyes out of your fucking head? It’s like he’s still staring at you. You have a momentary panic attack. The warning signs are all there and you reach for your medication to calm you down- fuck. It’s with your phone. Shit Shit Shit. Okay... It’s okay you’re fine. Just breathe. You close your eyes and focus on your mission. You need to borrow a phone. These people aren't stage hands. They’re not paid to take commands from you. If you want to borrow a phone, you’re gonna have to play nice.
You nervously watch the back of plaid shirt guy’s head. His hair is as black as a trolls. Before you can talk yourself out of it, you tap him on the shoulder. Begrudgingly he turns back around.
“What? Is there something I can do for you? You’re gonna have to do more than just gawk at me.”
There is a certain ring in his voice that makes him sound as if he’s joking, despite the irritated look he’s giving you.
“I-um,” You shake away the nervousness. Bulge Karkat. You have an enormous bulge. You can do him-er-this. Oh fuck why did you think that!? Gogdammit all now you can’t unthink it. Fuck you’re staring again. Say something idiot. “You have nice teeth.”Dammit.
The group of people he’s with all burst into laughter, and his irritated look becomes one of confusion and surprise.
“Wow... Smooooth...” he whistles, turning around in his seat for the second time. He takes a rather large gulp of Bud Light. Really? Bud-Light? This kid has to have no taste buds or something to be able to stomach that shitty brand. You hold in the string of curses that are dying to be vindicated from your chitinous wind hole and try to channel what Gamzee calls your “inner mirth.” You try again, but this time you tap him a bit more urgently.
“Look, I’m sorry if that was awkward I’m just trying to be...” you wrack your thinkpan for a suitable word. “-Civil. I didn’t mean to insult you or anything I’m just in...I-” fuck just say it! Why is it so damn hard for you to just ask for help? “I need your help.”
“Help with what?” He turns back to face you, a look of genuine concern burning into your eyes. “I’ll do what I can, but no promises.” shaking the shitty beer bottle in your direction. “I’ve got a concert to get to in...” he turns back to his friends, “When is the concert again?”
A blond kid with douchey aviator glasses looks at his watch. “forty five minutes.”
Blue eyes turn back at you. “Forty five minutes!” He exclaims as if you didn’t hear it.
You start laughing. You could almost cry this was so ridiculous. They had a concert to get to. What a coincidence. So do you. All four of them are just looking at you like your so fucking weird. Maybe they think you're drunk. Fuck you wished you were drunk. But your manager never lets you drink before a show. You reign yourself in with quipped breaths.
“I need to get to that concert too.”
The look on the kids face is priceless.
“You’re going too? Really? You're a Sburb fan? They are the best, it is them!” His eyes glaze over with admiration... and then focus back on you. Well, shit. This might be another crazed fan. Or then again, maybe he’s just really drunk? Who cares. You’ve dealt with worse and you apparently only have forty-five minutes. You suppress the manic urge to giggle.
“Yeah. I’m their biggest fan.” You put a huge emphasis on ‘biggest’ for sarcastic effect.
“That’s not possible. You can’t be their biggest fan if I am their biggest fan!” The kid smirks at you, like it’s a challenge. You just shrug. Clearly he missed your sarcasm.
You just can’t fucking believe this! This kid claims to be a Sburb fan but he doesn’t recognize you? Should you just tell him and get to the concert already? You think back on all the times this has happened to Sollux but never you. No, this was too much fun to pass up. Maybe you could be bad and fuck with one person, just one. Besides, he is your biggest fan.
“Seriously? Which one’s your favorite?”
He looks up as if he could divine an answer from the poorly spackled ceiling.
“Well, the stereotypical answer would be Karkat. He is the lead guitarist and all. To be honest though, I think... Sollux. He is the most versatile member of the band. He plays both the base and the keyboard at the same time. I wouldn’t doubt it if you told me he plays more than that... Ya, Sollux is pretty kick-ass.”
“I can’t fucking believe what I’m hearing!” You cross your arms in mock disbelief. “Seriously? Captor is so boring though besides the psionic crap! He’s a goody goody lisp bucket with no taste in clothing or women. At least I actually attempt to look good.” As soon as the words are out of your mouth you realize you may have just ruined the game. Jegus fuck you can’t even prank people.
A minute ticks by and you can actually see the gears turning in blue eye’s head and then it clicks.
“Wait... I... You...? You’re Karkat Vantas? I.. I can’t believe I’ve been sitting here talking about you to you! Oh my god!!! I’m an idiot, or more drunk than I thought. How did I not recognize you? Did you guys recognize him? Cause I didn’t. Holy hell.”
He just can’t seem to shut up at this point. He’s just word vomiting all over the place. The two blonde kids are just staring at you now and the other ink haired one suddenly looks floored.
“John! You’ve been talking to.. to..!” She lets out an auricular sponge clot shattering fangirl squeal. You cringe as it scratches its way into your memory. You hate that sound. This was going south fast. You’ve probably wasted too much time anyways.
“Hey uh...I.. Would you mind if I borrowed your phone? That one’s broken.” You point over your shoulder towards the bathrooms.
The boy glances towards the wall. “Oh ya. That thing has been broken for ages.” Surprisingly he’s seemed to have calmed down. Fishing around in his pocket he finally pulls out an Iphone, punching in the password before handing it to you.
“If you needed to make a call, all you had to do ask.” He sounds so matter-of-fact and you hesitate before taking the phone from him.
You wonder if you are allowed to go somewhere private with someone else’s phone? No, may as well make the call right here. You dial Gamzee’s number but it goes straight to voicemail. Hey this is Gamzee! Drop me a fuck’n beautiful cord message! Gog you hate this. The one time his phone’s off... guess you’ll have to suck it up and call the only other reliable person you know. Fucking dammit. You look at the table group as the phone rings. An irritated psionic finally picks up. He’s talking so loud to yell over the opening act that you're pretty sure all of your new friends can hear him.
“KK? Where the fuck are you? FF thaid you jutht thtormed out the back door. What the hell?” You turn your back to the table for imagined privacy. You hate it when he lectures you.
“I have no fucking clue.”
“You what!?” Sollux yells back, clearly straining to hear you.
“I said” you yell, “I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!”
“Thit KK we’re thtarting thoon!”
“I can’t...” You start but then you remember he can’t hear you. “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET BACK. JUST HAVE A FILL IN OR SOMETHING.”
“Karkat get your ath back here. Ith thith about AG? Forget about her. We have a thow to do.”
You look back helplessly over your shoulder. I have... crosses through your mind. You shake it away and put on your best pleading look.
“Do you guys know how to get to Harriot Hall?”
“Duh. That’s where we’re going. It’s just up the street...” Blue eye’s points out the window, “We can take you to the gates if you want.” You nod at him and turn back to the yellow lisp bag.
“I’M GONNA CATCH A RIDE WITH SOME PEOPLE. STALL TILL I GET THERE.”
“KK!” this time Sollux really is shouting. “DON’T JUTHT GO OFF WITH RANDOM PEOPLE! KK? HELLO?” You hit the end bar with a snort. Jeez he’s like your fucking lusus. You hold the phone out to blue eyes. “Thanks. Sorry but I need to bum a ride off of you guys. Apparently I can’t play hooky anymore.”
The boy giggles. “No problem. Our pleasure actually.” Sticking out his arm, “I’m John by the way. This is Jade, Rose, and Dave. Sorry for freaking out. I’m sure you’re used to it by now.” You cast another glance at the group before shaking John’s extended hand.
“No, actually.” You say truthfully. “I’m still not used to it.”
“Let us just pay our tab and then we’ll get out of here.” The group rummages through their respective money carrying receptacles before John collects what’s due and walks up to the bar to pay the bartender.
That’s when shit you hate the most started happening all over again. You curse Sollux for always being right about public bars. A scream comes from behind you and before you know it you're in a death vice. You scramble to get away and find yourself pulling the fangirl with you. You bump into John as he’s coming back. Your eyes implore him.
“Hey! Get off him! Let the man have some air!”
John reaches down and tries to help pry the random girl from your legs. You feel sick. You don’t have time for this! Think fast, how does Sollux get out of these situations? You think about his matesprit and how fangirls hate it. A stupid, underdeveloped thought graces your thinkpan as your frontal cortex says eh why not? Clearance granted! You grab John on either side of his face and kiss him with every frantic emotion you have. You only meant to shock the fangirl into a pout but instead you did something else entirely. You had unwittingly just experienced the greatest jolt of electricity you had ever felt in your life. It was more than just a spark. It was a wildfire that has rekindled feelings in you that you thought you wouldn’t have to feel again. You blinked and pulled away, trying to recover. You looked in the girl’s direction.
“Hate to disappoint you but I’m taken. See this guy?” You say quickly. “He’s my matesprit and I’m no quadrant crasher. Please let go of me?” The girls eyes went wide. She started squealing again but obeyed.
“Karkat Vantas has a matesprit!!! A guy matesprit!” She giggled. “This is so soon after Vriska Serket! It’s... it’s scandalous! Ah!!!” Oh shit, that’s not what he meant.
John is just sitting there with a stupid expression on his face. He eventually clears his throat and is able to speak. “Great meeting a fan but Karkat has to get to the concert now. They aren’t going to wait forever you know.” Pulling the two of you to your feet he blushes and looks up again. “We need to get going.”
You nod stupidly and allow yourself to be pulled out into the street, leaving the fangirl behind. You feel your illness coming on and you curse. Not now! Please not a panic attack now! But it was too late. You could feel your heart going into it’s tell tale arrhythmia. Your breaths were becoming short. Too many people. Too much stress to process. Vriska hates you... Kissed a guy... you were going to pass out.
“My drugs!” You blurted out of habit. “I need my drugs! Oh Gog!”
“What?” John pulls you out of the crowd towards a clearing. “Karkat are you alright? What drugs? Are you on drugs? Do you need drugs? Dave might have a stash somewhere...” You manage a glare in his direction.
“Not... on drugs. I...gonna pass out.” You're short of breath. “Panic attacks. Fuck.”
John pushes on your shoulder, signaling you to sit down on the curb. “It’s ok. The girl is gone. We’ll make it to the performance hall on time. Just try and focus on breathing. It’ll be ok, trust me.” You nod. He’s right. You just need to calm down. Don’t think. Just sit. You feel your senses coming back groggily. You're still feeling sick but at least the corners of your vision aren’t steeped with black anymore.
“Thanks. Sorry.” You apologize for lack of think pan ability.
“It’s not your fault. I used to get panic attacks all the time when I was a kid. It’s just a simple mind over matter problem... They get easier to deal with once you figure out how to calm yourself down.” He’s kneeling in front of you a hand placed on your knee comfortingly. “Feeling better now?”
You nod but you can’t make yourself move. You’re going to relapse if you don’t stop yourself. You feel them coming on, the thoughts that have robbed you of so much happiness in your life. You see her. She used to be the one calming you down, dragging your ass to shows. She always- no! No you have to stop thinking. Just stop. You clench your fists tight.
“It’s alright... take your time. There’s no need to get up if you’re not ready.” His thumb is now rubbing tiny circle into the side of your knee. His pocket vibrates and he answers it on speaker.
“Hello? John here.”
“Who?”
“John... who are you?”
“Tholluxth Captor.”
“Oh, look we’re on our way. We just got a little... sidetracked is all. I can see Harriot Hall from where we’re sitting.”
“Thitting?”
“Karkat got a little over whelmed is all. He’s ok now though.”
“I’th he coherent? Talking?” Oh great. He’s being your motherlusus again.
“Not talking yet, but he’ll get there.” John gives you smile.
“John, I need you two lithten very carefully, Keep KK talking. Talk with him until he can get hith medth. Don’t let him think and don’t mention AG.” Too late for that. She’s in your fucking head. It’s practically her summer home. She owns you...
“Ya. Sure thing. When he can get up, I’ll bring him to the front gate stage entrance. Wait for us there.”
“I can’t do that. I’m thtalling. Manager’th flipping thit. You’ll jutht have to bring him back here to uth. Tell the door guyth you have crabth. Then head down the left hall to the back stage.”
“But I don’t have- Oh, right the whole crab thing. Ok we’ll get there when we can.”
You couldn’t hear the click but you know Sollux has already hung up. You hope he’ll be waiting with your medication. You hope you get there. What if you're late? Vriska never let you be late. Fuck why can’t you stop making things worse? What’s wrong with you...
“Just focus on me Karkat. Deep breaths. Look into my eyes. It will be ok. Tell me a story Karkat. What was your favorite toy growing up?”
“Mr. crabby.” You said obediently.
You knew the answers to these kinds of questions. They always ask you. but where are they? That doesn’t sound like your psychiatrist. You look up into blue eyes and try to focus. Something inside you decided you don’t want to. You go silent.
“Karkat? What about Mr. crabby? Keep talking.” His blue eyes searching your red ones.
“He looks like my lusus. White and crabby....” You search your mind. Where was Mr. crabby? In your room? On the bus? backstage? You wish you had him. You wish crabdad was here.
“Anything else special about him?”
“I used him to practice quadrants.” You gave a half-hearted shrug. “He was technically my first kiss.”
“Well he must have been one hell of a teacher.”
You look up into playful eyes. What were you doing? It takes you a minute to snap out of it. You look at him for a bated moment as you considered what had just happened.
“I kissed you.” You said stupidly.
“Yes... You did.”
“Did you like it?” You facepalm, standing up. “Fuck I mean, sorry. I’m sorry I put you through that.”
“It’s ok. Honestly.” John stands up next to you. “It was a pretty good kiss. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.” The flattery sends flutterflies through your gut. The unease of panic is slowly subsiding.
“But,” you laugh. You hadn’t noticed that you and your escort have started to move. “I’m a troll. I mean, don’t I taste bad or something? I could never get a human to date me. Especially guys. They thought it was a gay. Whatever that is.”
John laughs with you. “Well, a guy liking a guy is pretty gay,” He scratches at the back of his head, “That’s what gay means. Uh... I guess I didn’t think about it that way.”
“Why would you? Plenty of guys share quadrants together. Having a word for the different sex’s in each quadrant is just stupid. Not to mention confusing.”
“Humans are complicated I guess. The whole ‘gay’ thing isn’t ok with a lot of people... Unnatural, and blah blah blah. It’s a whole big thing... and yes it’s really confusing.”
You can hear the roar of a large crowd as you both approach Harriot Hall. The sound fills you with a familiar confidence. You love that sound. Music and people. Suddenly you were feeling drunk on it. You were practically euphoric.
“Hey John?” You asked excitedly.
“Uh... ya? What is it?”
“Is Sollux really your favorite?”
A huge grin spreads across his face as he laughs even louder.
“Not anymore he’s not.”
“Really? Is that just because I’m walking here next to you?” You give him a dubious side look.
“Yes really. I just don’t think he could be anywhere as good a kisser as you are.”
You felt all the blood in you rush to your face. Well actually, maybe only half of it. The other half was going somewhere else with a mind of it’s own. The doors were in sight. You could see Equius, one of the bouncers. His broken glasses were unmistakable.
“In that case, why don’t you stay with me? It’s the least I can do to thank you.”
“Hang out backstage? Oh man, that’s so cool! The gang will be so jealous. Absolutely! That would be amazing!”
You smiled as Equius waved at you. What were you doing? The last time you invited someone back stage you lost your virginity. Is that what you were doing now? An eager part of you hoped so.
“Hey Zahhak! How’s door life?” As usual the doorman didn’t say anything. He only moved to open the door. “Kay nice chatting with you.” You started purring. Music was thrumming all around you. You loved music. It was only second to Romcoms.
John was gawking as the two of you walked into the main hall. “Holy hell this is so cool.” He finally sets his roaming eyes on you, beaming. He chuckles, “Trolls can purr? Another thing to mark on the cool-factor list. I can’t believe you’re letting me back here!”
You side glance at him and stop walking abruptly. Something about this is all too familiar. It’s like you’ve done this before with someone else. You remember again. Fuck. Why? Always there never gone... You start humming the melody you wrote after your first break down. You can’t do this again. Should you push John away? He hasn’t done anything to deserve it. You considered for a split second but the voice in your head recoiled with a resounding NO. You wanted to be with John. You didn’t care why.
“John, can I ask you something?”
“Sure thing! fire away.” He gives you another award winning smile.
“I know we just met but, do you feel anything for me? Am I... attractive?”
The smile falters a little and John’s face turns red.
“Uh... Well, who doesn’t think you’re good looking. Even by human standards, you’re quite the looker.”
“No, do I attract you? Don’t humans have that? You know, a pull to be... more? Can you feel it or am I imagining things?”
“I... um... yes? I think so. I mean I definitely like you, a lot. And you’re really cool... and a great kisser... and yes I think you’re attractive... I don’t know if that’s the answer you're looking for. It’s hard to sort out how I feel right now. Logically my brain’s saying no I just met you, how can I know that’s what I want, and another part of it is just... just happy? maybe? Oh god I’m rambling again. I’m sorry I can’t explain it very well.”
“John,” You face him completely. “It’s not something you decide. It just happens. I’ve never... I don’t know. Can I try something?” You give him a reassuring smile. It feels goofy and lopsided on your face.
He nods fidgeting with his hands, clearly nervous. You lean in close and take in his eyes. You search for him in there, for the playful flicker of light you saw before. This close up, his eyes were practically shining. Vriska’s eyes had never looked like that. They never looked at you like you meant anything. Like you were more than a meal ticket. You set your lips into a resolved line. The drive inside you was too strong, too instinctual. You kiss him. It was a searching kiss, a question. The fire from before blazed through you tearing holes in your carefully placed wall. You pulled back startled. No No Shit No. You NEVER let anyone in! You don’t feel like that anymore Karkat! not after her... You start walking hurriedly down the hall.
John’s hand touches your shoulder, he managed to catch up with you. You slow and turn to face him.
“Yes. Yes I felt it, for sure that time.” He drops his hand and takes a step back, muttering some kind of apology. You feel the panic again. You can’t breathe very well. Are you hyperventilating? You can’t be sure. You just stand there staring at the floor. Loud music is making your head throb.
“John... I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I- fucking shit mongering grubbulging fucklickers! Agh I’m going crazy. What am I doing?” You hold your arms out in question not even sure if you’re talking to John or yourself.
“I don’t know either...” He looks almost sad as he stares at your feet. You look at him over your shoulder. Something foreign and wistful in your chest. Your panic is rising but you try your best to ignore it.
“You touched me.” You said aloud touching the shoulder where John’s hand had been. He takes another half step back, still looking down.
“Ya, sorry... I... sorry.”
“Could you..? touch me again?”
“Huh?” He finally looks up at you confused at your request. “What do you mean?”
“I can’t do it John. I can’t go out there and perform. I’m broken... I think.”
John closes the gap between you and pulls you into his arms.
“You’re not broken Karkat. You can do this. I know you can.”
Loud footsteps come up the hall and the quickness of them can only be one person- Sollux.
You look behind you and see a pill bottle and a red guitar. Your bloodpusher does a grateful flip flop. He’s practically glaring at you as he comes up but stops short once he really takes you in, hugging a human.
“Um KK? What are you doing?” You look at John. What are you doing? Fuck if you know anymore. Something wonderful.
You lean into John halfway, asking. You won't make him kiss you if he doesn’t want it. Even if you want it more than music. He obliges, leaning the rest of the way to connect your lips once more. Sparks flying behind your eyelids. John eventually breaks your embrace and pushes you in Sollux’s direction.
“Go on. Go make those screaming fangirls happy.”
A derpy smile sits on his mouth. You don’t understand how it happened. It’s been forever since you felt this good but you were beaming. You started taking off your black suit jacket. Sollux popped two pills in your mouth as was custom and you took your guitar with your free hand and threw your jacket at John with the other.
You stick your pick between your teeth as you throw your strap over your shoulder.
“Keep my lucky jacket safe ok?”
“Your lucky jacket?” he asks holding it up between his hands.
“Hey John! WOW I ALMOST FORGOT!” You feel wild with energy and excitement. Full of life.
Looking up from the jacket he shouts back at you, “WHAT?”
“I FUCKING LOVE YOU!” You laughed so abruptly it made Sollux spark. You loved scaring the shit out of your psionic friend. “AND WHEN I GET BACK” you yelled as Sollux dragged you stagewards “YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME YOUR LAST NAME AND I’M GONNA PROVE IT!”
His face gets red again, enough that you can tell from the other end of the hall. He’s clinging to your jacket tightly now, shouting back.
“YOU DAMN WELL BETTER!!!”
The next thing you see is the glaring lights of the center stage. The crowd is chanting Sburb Sburb but your blood pusher is chanting John. And as you lay your claws on the first harmonic, feeling the strings vibrate against your touch, you mentally dedicated every sound to him. Your new matesprit.