Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The wind blew the timefall around, Higgs squinted as he followed Sam on the route to the marked destination.

"What's the point of this again?" Higgs grumbled, tugging his hood over his face more.

"Die-Hardman had tracked a hidden lab to be here, he wanted me to fix the terminal so we could see if anyone is still here." Sam squinted, raising a hand to try and see better through the foggy sky. "I think we're almost there."

Higgs stared at the other man and scoffed, "You think? Can barely see anything in this weather, we should've stayed at that timefall shelter we passed by."

"We'll rest when we get there. It's not too far." Sam raised a brow, "Can't you just chiral jump there anyways? You don't have to walk all this way."

Higgs groaned exaggeratedly, "God forbid I want to walk with a man I like."

"Yet you keep complaing about the walk." Dollman spoke up, annoyed with the bickering. Higgs stuck his tongue out at him, Dollman rolled his eyes, "How mature of you."

Higgs grinned, walking silently beside Sam before staring to whistle to fill the silence of the trek. When he decided the whistling wasn't enough he reached out to Sam's music player at his hip.

"The hell you doing!?" Sam slapped away the other man's hand.

"It's too quiet, let me turn something on!" Higgs continued to try and grab the music player. Sam groaned, taking the music player off and pushing it into Higgs' hands.

"Use your words next time, don't just grab at it like a child."

Higgs hummed in reply, smiling as he looked through Sam's playlists. He occasionally skipped past songs he decided weren't good enough, though typically allowed the songs to play fully.

-~+

It took a bit over half an hour for them to reach the building, it was like what Sam said- abandoned. Despite it seemingly falling apart it was steady, rusted at the ends where years of timefall have eroded it, usually metal used to create bases were timefall avoidant to prevent rusting. There were a lot of different old broken tech tossed around and drowning in some tar.

"Dollman, do you sense any BTs around?" Sam asked, glancing around to see if he could catch a glimpse of any BTs.

"No, we're clear."

"Alright, good." He walked into the opening in the base, hood dropping back as the timefall stopped falling onto him. Sam set down the repair tools and tried to get the terminal to pop out of the ground.

"Sooo…" Higgs kicked a rock, walking around Sam as he watched him take out different tools, "hat do you want me to do?"

"Look around and see if you can trigger the terminal, it needs to be out of the ground so I can try repairing it." Sam grumbled, grabbing a flat head screwdriver and placing it in the small gap to try and pry it open.

Higgs nodded, walking around and waving his arms a few times to try and trigger any sensors. Dollman looking around to help as well before he spoke up, "Higgs, there's a door- perhaps we could see if someone is home."

Dollman didn't really think anyone was home, he just knew Sam needed a task to keep him busy- idle Higgs meant trouble.

Despite how often he refused to listen, Higgs did as suggested and walked over to the door- discovering that it was unlocked. He whistled, "Even better. Be right back Sammy boy!" Higgs waved before pushing the door open and walking through.

The hallway was quiet other than a distant steady beep and Higgs' footsteps. The walls were covered in thin streaks of tar, the air stiff and cold.

"Strange, usually there isn't tar in buildings." Higgs raised his boot after stepping in a puddle of tar, watching the black substance drip back onto the floor.

"I doubt anyone is here, though perhaps there's some stuff we can salvage from here." Dollman tapped his hands together.

"If it isn't damaged by the tar already." Higgs grimaced when a droplet of tar fell onto his shoulder, wiping it off as he walked down the hallway.

"There's still a chance." Dollman smiled, looking around as Higgs approached the end of the hallway and a larger room.

"Huh, would you look at that," Higgs approached a door, looking at the different locks on it. He traced the different locks with his hand, "Someone didn't want something getting out," Higgs tapped the sign, "Hm, 'Do not open at any cost'."

"Sounds dangerous." Dollman hummed

"I'm opening it."

"Wait- Higgs!"

Higgs summoned his guitar and slammed the blade against the locks- breaking them open. Sparks flew as the door swung open, sign flying off it.

"Tah dahhhhh." He waved his hands and bowed, tucking his guitar away before entering the room.

The room was almost completely black from the tar covering everything, it dripped from the ceiling and off tables. The tables were covered in different machinery and computers, still on but sticky in tar. Large cables hung from the ceiling and snaked around on the floor all leading to a large test tube in the corner.

"Goodness." Dollman muttered, shocked at the sight

"I wouldn't say that exactly but I get it." Higgs mumbled in reply. He turned around when hearing quick footsteps, watching Sam approach.

"What was that crash, are you two alright?" He panted out, taking a moment to catch his breath.

"Wellll Sammy, I was just opening the locks off a door." Higgs grinned, gesturing to the room.

"Geez..is that even safe to go in with all that tar?" Sam walked over to the door, peering in, "What's with the giant test tube?"

"My guess..Human experimentation." Higgs' grin was still plastered on his face

"Oh my, I hope not. That would mean there might be a body in there, I'm surprised that there hasn't been a void out at all." Dolman tugged at his collar, silently hoping Higgs wasn't deciding to walk into the tar invested room.

"What if they're alive? All that tech must be for something." Higgs walked into the room, going to one of the machines near the test tube and wiping off some tar from the screen. It revealed a heart monitor, a steady beeping noise started up when more tar was wiped off.

"Holy shit," Sam mumbled, "Something's alive in there." Sam walked into the room and over to the tube, grabbing a cloth from his bag and wiping some tar off.

With a few wipes of cloth pushing away the tar it revealed a face, causing Sam to jump back. Black tar hands covered the bottom half of the face, their eyes closed as they floated in the substance encasing them.

Higgs looked over, shocked as well, "Fuckin' aye. There's someone in there...What do we do?" He looked at Sam, brows raised.

Despite Higgs' previous attempts to end humanity he had been trying to be more considerate of others. Dollman has been helping him with that.

"Not sure, the heart montitor is showing a heart beat so they are alive." Sam hesitated before tapping the glass. No reaction. He turned to Higgs and Dollman with a frown.

When Sam looked back the person's eyes were open, "Shit!" he jumped back.

Higgs summoned his guitar again, "I'm smashing it open."

"Higgs wait! We don't know if they are surviving because of the tube, we could cause a void out." Dollman tried his best to prevent Higgs from swinging is guitar. Though it wasn't very effective due to Higgs raising it and swinging it against the glass anyways.

The tube shattered, tar rushing out of it as the person collapsed on the floor with it. Higgs quickly crouched down to grab at them.

"Hey, hey, you alright? You're free now." He shook them gently while tapping their face- the black hands now gone.

Higgs wouldn't necessarily go out of his way to help people, though the thought of someone potentially being stuck at a beach left a bad taste in his mouth. He knew what it was like to be in the timeless realm that was the beach.

A sharp gasp.

Their eyes shot open, coughing out as they sat up. Eyes flickering everywhere before settling on Higgs' face.

"There ya are, focus on me." Higgs spoke softly, making sure to help them calm down. He wasn't the best with other people but has been trying to be better.

Sam stared in shock, he hadn't been around Higgs unless required to so seeing this change in who he used to be was shocking- this man who is comforting someone he just took out of a test tube previously tried to end humanity not once but twice. He's really changed.

"Sam do you have a jacket to lend to our new friend here?" Dollman asked, gesturing to the person- who had only some fraying boxers on. Sam nodded, walking out of the room to grab his pack.

Higgs was brushing tar off of the person while talking to them softly, "Must've been in there for a while, got tar all over the place. Ya hungry? Sam might have some food in his pack." The man stared at Higgs, then looking around the room with slow blinks, "Were ya on a Beach?"

"Higgs help me up, let me check him over," Dollman reached out, waiting patiently as Higgs picked him up and placed him on the desk behind him. Dollman hummed softly, watching the strange man, "He doesn't look like he has any signs of DOOMs, but not all DOOMs are visible. I think we should bring him back to the ship."

Higgs glanced up when Sam came down the hallway, holding a jacket. Sam crouched beside the mysterious man and held it out for them, "Here."

The man looked over at Sam, staring at him, before looking at the jacket. It took a moment for the man to sit himself up, with a bit of help from Sam and Higgs.

"It's a jacket, for you." Sam held the jacket out more, waiting for the man to take it. The man stared at him nervously before hesitantly taking the jacket.

"Sam, Tarman will be able to look over our new friend's health. We should call the magellan over." Dollman watched the mysterious man, who looked back up at him. Dollman offered a small smile and wave.

Sam realized that the man wasn't going to put on the jacket himself and sighed, grabbing it and guiding the man's arms through the sleeves, "Higgs, you mind calling the ship?"

Higgs rolled his eyes, getting up to use his cuff link. Die-Hardman had requested that Lockne rebuild them when they first took Higgs in- he was still a danger to others and sometimes himself.

Sam focused on helping the mysterious man out, mainly toning out Higgs' call. The man didn't seem bothered by Sam's help, just confused- anyone would be if they were suddenly awoken after who knows how long.

"Can you stand?" Sam spoke softly, standing up and offering a hand. His brows furrowed as the man grabbed his hand and attempted to push themself to their feet.

Higgs tapped Sam's shoulder, giving him a thumbs up, "The ship is going to be about a mile away from us," Higgs glanced at the man and grinned widely, "So he can stand, good to know."

The man was unsteady on his feet, gripping Sam's arm tightly- surely leaving bruises. Higgs grabbed Dollman and attached him back onto his belt loop. "About a mile?" Sam raised a brow, "Over or under?" He asked, Higgs shrugged in reply, grinning.

Sam took a deep breath, not wanting to get into an argument with Higgs in front of the man. "Okay, fine." Sam wrapped an arm behind the man then put his other under his knees, scooping up the unsteady man quickly.

The man yelped when he was suddenly picked up, but seemed to understand that he wasn't in any danger.

~~+

The walk to the ship was quiet, Higgs watching the man carefully but not saying anything- though it was clear something was on his mind. The timefall had lightened up, only a few droplets here and there.

While they walked they passed the familiar landscape of rocks, grass, and trees that were easier to see now that the fog was gone. It didn't take terribly long for the ship to come into view, Sam adjusted his grip on the man- who had fallen asleep against him- when his q-pid played the familiar tune of Tarman's calls.

"Sam, I have prepared a room for you to place our new friend for medical examination. Don't worry about fixing the lab's terminal, we can do that later."

Higgs eyed the q-pid's screen, not trying to hide the fact he was evesdropping. Dollman noticed and looked up at Higgs, "We will have to wash our new friend first, just like we did when we found you after-"

"Shut up." Higgs cut Dollman off, Higgs didn't like remembering how powerless and weak he was when he crawled to the shore and out of the water after he died… Again.

Dollman noticed the venom in Higgs' tone and went quiet again. Sure, he was great at helping Sam out through his depression, but he wasn't a licensed therapist- and Higgs needed a professional (if they even still exist) not a spirit medium trapped in a doll.

When they reached the ship and went up the elevator to the hallway, Tarman greeted them, showing Sam where to place the mystery man. He put the blanket over the man, frowning softly at the tar that now stained the sheets.

Higgs had went up the stairs to the bridge and latched Dollman on his hanger before storming back downstairs and into his own room on the ship- making sure to lock it. He didn't need people talking to him, he needed sleep, and he'd try and get the most he could before the nightmares take over.

Chapter Text

Higgs______________________________

Higgs awoke with a shout from his nightmare, shaking as a cold sweat dripped from his forehead. He hissed out a grumble, rubbing his face and getting up to wash it off in the sink- the nightmares were never going to leave him alone.

He was on Her Beach again. Stuck again. Alone again. He hated that dream, it used to be real- but he was out now, safe?

… Safer.

Higgs splashed his face with cold water, waking himself up in an attempt to remind his brain that he was okay- he wasn't on the beach anymore.

He stared at himself in the mirror, he forgot to wipe off his makeup last night so it ended up being smuged down his cheeks.

Disgusting, what is wrong with you? You used to be a God.

Higgs splashed his face again with the cold water, anything to keep his brain from spiraling. He wasn't a god, he was a pawn in Her game, he's where he wants to be- with Sam.

But he wasn't really with Sam. Sam didn't let him touch him even though he seemed to always be hugging that Heartman guy. What did he have that Higgs didn't? Higgs was... What was Higgs?

He wasn't the God Particle anymore. He wasn't Peter, the eager and kind porter either, and he definitely wasn't Daddy's little girl anymore. Daddy's been dead for a while now and he knew it.

So..he was nothing. A shell of a man who's held so many masks he's lost his true face.

Or maybe he was back to being Peter again, yeah... He's a porter again- or well, he wasn't really, he had to be with Dollman or Sam whenever he was out, and he definitely wasn't kind anymore...He's forgotten how to be kind after so many years alone

"I saved that guy though.." He mumbled to himself, saving people is kind… Right? He was being a good person.

That guy..he had a sense of familiarity, Higgs could never place it, maybe they just had one of those faces. Higgs wasn't good with faces unless it was Her, Sam, Fragile or maybe Tarman. Tarman was nice.

He sighed, walking out of his room to register his surroundings, count the screws in the walls, count the scratch marks from the Tarcat. He did this every time after a nightmare, just in case he was dreaming and was trapped at the Beach still.

The Beach was a nightmare, he knew he deserved that punishment, but after a few years you loose count and then all the days and nights blend together..no one should go through that. At least he was able to talk to that one guy someti-

The guy. He had seen a man wandering the Beach, clawing his way out of the water to be dragged back in after a few hours by a strand of tar wrapped around his ankle. That's why this new guy was so familiar.

Higgs rushed over to where they were holding the mysterious man, shoving the door open when he decided it was opening too slow and running into the room and to the man. He shoved and pulled at him to try and wake him, ignoring the stuff Tarman had plugged into him for tracking his heart rate and other health stuff, Higgs didn't care to know what they were for.

"Wake up, Wake up!" Higgs shouted, slapping the man's face until he woke up. Higgs' lips upturned into a grin, finally, finally someone who understood him, understood his pain from the Beach.

The loneliness

The spiraling

The endless days

The man awoke with a start, panicking slightly at the feeling of being jostled around, "No- don't hurt me-" His words died out when he recognized Higgs, "Guitar man?"

It was strange to hear the new man's voice considering he didn't speak at all when Higgs smashed open the tube. His voice wasn't too irritating.

Higgs laughed, keeping his hands on the man's shoulders, "Yep! Me! The one who saved you!" Higgs grinned madly, "It's Higgs Monaghan by the way, sugar plum."

The man tried to sit up, Higgs was going to let him but realized it might mess up the medical stuff- he didn't need his kinda-friend to get mad at him.

"Woah, woah, darling, don't wanna pull a cord a die, now, do we?" Higgs chuckled, patting the man's shoulder, he watched carefully while grinning widely.

I don't need Sam anymore, he'll never understand me, he'll never appreciate me like he does the others. This man however, he will appreciate me, I saved him after all.

"We need to discuss something." Higgs mumbled softly, holding the man's chin, "I've seen you, on Her Beach. How long where you there? How were you there?"

The man stared uncertainly, "Where..?" He asked with furrowed brows.

"The Beach! The between of death and life? The grey one! You know what I'm talking about, don't lie." Higgs tensed, gripping the man's chin harder

He knows what I'm talking about, he has to or else

Or else I'll be alone again, with no one who understands me

"The colorless?" The man asked worriedly, a hint of understanding in his eyes

"Yes! A grey beach! That's what it's called, a Beach." Higgs grinned, still hovering over the man. "You were there, constantly being dragged into the water by some strand of tar. Do you remember me? I remember you."

The man stared worriedly, causing Higgs to panic, "My hair was blonde! I tugged you out of the water once!"

Higgs doesn't want to seem desperate but in truth he was. Desperate for a friend, for someone who understood him, someone he could obsess over and have attention given to him.

The man's eyes widened in recognition, "You?" He whispered softly.

Higgs chuckled softly before laughing roughly, finally, finally he would have a friend who would respect him. He cupped the man's face, "Then you understand me." Higgs whispered with unsteady eyes taking in the other man while a grin stretched out on his face.

He'll run away from you the moment you open up, He'll never love you, you're unlovable

No he has to, I saved him. People love those who saved them. She saved me and I..I loved her

But she didn't love you. She used you, to make Sam a hero. Then you were used again, how do you know he won't use you?

He won't- he won't

What if you use him? You could have power again, you could become a God once more.

I don't want to- I don't want to become Her

but you always loved power, just take it. You could be better than Amalie ever was

No, no fuck her. Fuck Sam. I deserve this. I deserve happiness.

Do you? You've taken happiness from so many innocent people, what makes you more deserving than them?

You're a monster who takes from the innocent. You don't deserve anything but pain.

Monster

The more Higgs' thoughts battled the tighter his grip became on the man. He didn't want to lose the only person that could understand him. His thoughts continued to spiral before he was drug out of it by a hand gripping his arm.

"Ow-" The man grimaced at the squeezing of his face, "You're squeezing my face.."

Higgs immediately let go, scrambling off the bed and clutching his hands to his side.

You've already ruined it, just like you always do. You're no better than Daddy.

Higgs opened his mouth to apologize but nothing but a strangled breath escaped, he stared at the man as he rubbed at his face. Higgs quickly headed out of the room, bumping into Tarman and rushing into his room.

You're a monster. You were always a monster and always will be. No amount of talking will fix you. Nobody wants broken cargo, not even a container repair spray could fix you

"You pathetic girl, you listen to your father when he's talking to you!"

Higgs whined, covering his ears and crawling under the cot as Daddy's voice rang through his brain.

He needed to hide from Daddy- but he's dead, I killed him. Daddy didn't like when Higgs didn't listen. Higgs covered his head with his arms panicked breathing heaving his chest up and down. I'm on the ship, I'm safe, Sam's in the other room. I'm with Sam.

But Sam hates you, you ruined everything when you took Lou from him

But Lou's alive...just older

Higgs clawed at his hair, mind whipping between two sides of an argument with itself. He sobbed out, hitting his head as he curled up.

~-+

Three knocks and a tap broke Higgs out of his mind, Tarman had made up a code for Higgs to know it was him when Higgs was first brought over- aggressive and scared like a feral cat.

Higgs had stopped crying after a while, making himself exhausted of emotions for the day.

"Higgs, may I come in? It's quite late but I saw you rushing in the hallway." Tarman's voice was soft despite his natural gruffness, always softening when Higgs was struggling.

Higgs didn't reply but nodded anyways, even if Tarman couldn't see it he still wanted to show some response.

Tarman opened the door after some moments of silence, "Higgs?" He looked around, then noticed as the Tar cat walked under the cot. He ducked his head down and found Higgs, he smiled softly, "There you are, would you like to come out or are you okay there?"

Higgs shook his head, trying to squeeze himself more under the bed than he already was. His brain had seemed to fog over, the voices quieter as he calmed down with the soothing presence of Tarman.

"Good right there? Okay." Tarman smiled softly before he sat down with a grunt. "You want to talk to me?"

Higgs shook his head, looking away from Tarman for a moment before his brain panicked and made him look back- Daddy didn't like backtalk or when he looked away.

"Will said you talked to him?" Tarman tilted his head, "Will is our new guest, I don't think you have properly introduced yourselves to each other."

Higgs nodded nervously, feeling as if he was in trouble now. He had hurt the new man- Will- he should be punished right now.. not talked to like he was a child that woke from a bad dream.

"He said that you were quiet and lost in your head, then left." Tarman offered a hand, letting the tar cat rub against it, "I'm not an official doctor but I'd say it isn't a good thing to get lost in your head, especially for you."

Higgs bristled, "I'm not broken." He grumbled out.

You are though. Broken cargo that can't be fixed.

"I never said that." Tarman shook his head, "You aren't broken but you are.. troubled." He took a moment to think of his words, not wanting to ruin the trust he had with Higgs. "When someone is in trouble they get help. Your mind needs help and that's what I'm here for."

"Bad people don't deserve help." Higgs mumbled in response, picking at his nails before the tar cat shoved it's head into his hands for pets. Higgs watched with a defeated look before a small smile stretched on his lips for a moment, he patted the cat a few times before just letting it headbutt him.

"Do you think you're a bad person?" Tarman asked softly.

"I know I am.." Higgs sighed out, staring at the ground.

You're just like Daddy.

"Hmm." Tarman hummed thoughtfully, "I would disagree. When I first met you, you were a bad person, but when we found you crawling out of the tar I saw someone who needed help. You did bad things, you were a bad person, you hurt people and those you can't fix and bring back, but you're growing. You spent thousands of years on the Beach all alone, I'd say that's a lot of time for reflection."

Higgs scowled at his words, unsure if he should believe him.

You're changing

You're always going to be a monster

"Now, bad people don't typically worry about being bad. You right now, are worrying about if you're bad, I think that's proof enough that you are better than who you were."

"why do you care?" Higgs challenged.

"Because I see a boy who never got a chance to grow up with unconditional love." Tarman smiled sadly, looking at Higgs with so much softness it almost made him cry.

Why does he care? I've..I've hurt so many people..I deserve to suffer..

Tarman held out his hand, "I didn't get a chance to give you the books I found. I was able to find some on Egyptian mythology."

Higgs' eyes brightened, he loved Egyptian mythology, he thought most of the books on it were gone. He took the hand, Tarman helping pull him out from under the cot. He wasn't sure how Tarman was able to so easily break down his walls, it's happened so many times before that he forgot count.

Higgs would struggle then Tarman would come and talk with him and then Higgs would sit with him until he fell asleep.

Tarman sat on the cot, patting beside him, "Would you like me to stay with you? I'll be honest, I'm a bit curious of this Egyptian mythology."

Higgs sat on the bed beside him, crossing his legs as he grabbed the book that Tarman had set down earlier. He flipped through it, struggling to keep back a small smile at the amount of pages there were. Art, stories, history, it had everything.

Higgs noticed Tarman's soft smile, he swallowed the lump in his throat before mumbling quietly, "Thanks.."

"Of course, Higgs. Everyone needs some kindness." Tarman patted Higgs' shoulder.

Chapter Text

Sam__________________________________

Sam had gotten up early in the morning to head back over to the lab and try and fix the terminal, he also had a few deliveries to catch up on.

When he had gotten up he noticed Tarman exiting Higgs' room, raising a brow but not mentioning anything. Who was he to judge Tarman's taste in men? Even if Higgs is a bit unstable.

Never thought Tarman would be into that kind of guy. I mean Higgs isn't too bad?

What am I thinking? He killed Fragile and hurt Lou.

Sam rubbed his face, scoffing at his train of thought. He needed to get out, and maybe for a couple days at least.

"Sam, you heading out?" Dollman called out from the hallway, using the newly installed track- he complained how he only had the bridge to move around in.

"Yeah, you want to come?" Sam already started grabbing Dollman down to attach him to his belt loop

"You know it, I'm always ready for adventure and I enjoy helping you out."

"Getting sappy on me now?" Sam chuckled, heading to the elevator- not missing the fact that Higgs had poked his head out of his room to stare at him.

Creepy fuck, at least he isn't taking photos anymore. Jeez, he should've gotten help years ago.

"Planning to check Northern Enviromental Observatory deliveries, do that stuff and probably fix some roads." Sam told Dollman, while also reminding himself the list. It should be enough time away from Higgs.

"Do you think we could visit Heartman and Deadman?" Dollman smiled.

I could use a moment to talk to Deadman, haven't been able to talk out my thoughts.

"Sure." Sam replied with a shrug, he enjoyed walking with Dollman because he didn't need to talk. With Higgs it was all talk, mostly just Higgs talking.

Sam used the DHV's terminal to get the Pickup Off-Roader out of the garage, he would've walked but with the tar cannons it would collect lost cargo- which meant more time out- and materials. The off-roader had been repaired so the colors were back to the vibrancy that they were when Sam crafted the vehicle- a white and grey pattern with Tomorrow's logo.

Sam never questioned where the logos came from, it was nice to have something to show his care for Tomorrow....Lou.

It still was so confusing, her whole childhood was taken from him- he was supposed to be there for his daughter. If it wasn't for Higgs he would be able to go out with Lou strapped to his chest babbling at him.

He would have Fragile with him too.

Sam hopped onto the chair, settling the steering column against his legs with a heavy grunt. He adjusted his pack's straps so they didn't dig into his shoulders, grabbing Dollman and hanging him off of one of the bars above his head- he just recently did that, Dollman said it made him feel like he had the wind in his hair even though it was molded to his head.

The car rolled out of the ship, Sam adjusting in his seat so he could turn on his music player- maybe he should just try and get one for Higgs.

Fuck, why am I thinking of getting the asshole gifts?

~-+

The roads have been mostly built so Sam was able to allow the car into automatic and appreciate the views he passed occasionally taking a photo to post onto the SSS. He smiled softly when seeing the like and comment from Lou

'Australia is so pretty, it's mostly clouded here in Europe :('

Sam chuckled softly at the small frowny face, liking her comment before tapping his ring off.

"Seems like most BT activity is lowered, look over there Sam." Dollman gestured to some mountains, "That used to be BT territory, but now I don't sense anything."

Sam hummed in reply, he was glad that BTs were disappearing more, he always hated those fuckers. The land was also looking way nicer without them.

His ring terminal buzzed with a call notification and pulled it up. If it wasn't for the column keeping him in his seat he would've fallen.

Shit, Lou- she's calling

"Who's calling?" Dollman looked over at Sam

"Tomor- Lou." Sam brushed hair out of his face a bit before answering the call.

"Hey Sam!" Her voice chirped, immediately making Sam's day already better

"Hey Lou, how's Europe?" Sam asked a bit hesitantly, it was weird to have nothing to talk about to his own daughter.

"Pretty cloudy, lots of timefall. I think once I get most of everything connected Rainy might come over to give the people some corefall."

"Yeah..how is she? And the baby?"

"They're great! I'm thinking of visiting next week, you think that Tarman could pick me up?"

Sam paused, how would Higgs handle that? Of course Lou would be staying with Rainy so she wouldn't be living on the ship for the time she was visiting.

I don't want him near her. He took her away from me once, I don't need him to do it again.

I can't have him do that to me again. I don't care if he's changed he's still....he still hurt her.

"Probably." Sam answered before he was quiet for too long, he couldn't get in his head while on a call with his daughter- he needed to spend as much time with her as he could to make up for what was taken, "You can send him a message, we've been in the same spot so I don't think he'll mind doing a trip."

"Sounds good. How are you, Sam?" She asked the question softly, as if she was able to tell that her father was bothered by something.

"I've been better." He admitted, "Me and Dollman found a guy in a tube of tar, so now we have another person on the ship."

Dollman frowned, watching Sam with a raised brow. Sam held a hand up to stop any questions before they started.

"Oh yikes, are they alright?"

"Yeah, I'll bring Tarman some extra medical supplies after I do some deliveries." Sam grabbed the steering rods, turning off autopilot and turning into the Northern Enviromental Observatory, stopping the off-roader near the terminal. "I'm at my stop now, call me whenever you want, I'm usually able to answer."

"Alright, thanks Sam." Lou smiled, "See you soon hopefully." She spoke before hanging up.

"Sam." Dollman spoke firmly, "Why didn't you credit Higgs in finding Will?"

Sam groaned, "She doesn't need to know he's alive. He hurt her."

"I know he hurt her and you, but that doesn't mean you can hurt him back. He's trying, even if you don't want to admit it." Dollman frowned.

Sam grabbed Dollman, hooking him back onto his belt loop and then hopping off the car, "Doesn't change the past."

"But it does change the future."

Sam bit his tongue at that comment, he knew Dollman was right. He hasn't been crediting Higgs for the changes he was doing but who could blame him? Higgs killed him who knows how many times in just one night, it plagued his nightmares.

~-+

Sam was silent during the deliveries, not talking like usual but this time with a worse weight on his shoulders- metaphorically, though his pack was digging into his shoulder blades.

He kicked a rock down the small hill as he carefully walked down the path, watching as some chiral creatures bubbled away. They were cute but annoying, take one wrong step and the whole flock of them is coming at you. Sam paused to let the small blobs of sentient tar cross the path in front of them.

"Small little buggers." Dollman commented as Sam crouched to try and gently poke at a Chiral Creature.

Sam only got some tar on his finger, he huffed softly before shaking it off and carefully stepping over the small line of tar blobs walking across the dirt.

He continued following the path till he reached the delivery marker. Sam stepped up to the terminal, hitting the buttons and then placing the packages on the small shelf that slipped up from the ground. Sam watched it descend with the cargo before returning to the terminal to receive his likes, sighing softly when the terminal turned off.

Sam headed back out, he saw a private room on the way here so he pulled up the map and marked it. He needed a break, and a quick shower.

~-+

"London bridge is falling down... falling down, falling down.." Amalie's voice echoed across the beach.

Sam sat up, looking around. The beach? Why am I here- Amalie? He turned his head over to the figure in a red dress out on the waterline, watching her walk on the water and farther away.

"Amalie!?" Sam called out, confused. Why is she here? I thought we lost the connection.

"London bridge is falling down. My fair lady." Amalie continued to sing softly and eerily.

"Amalie!" Sam called again due to the lack of a previous answer. He started following his sister, calling after her.

Sam sunk into the water, desperately trying to follow Amalie despite actively sinking into the water. He grabbed at her, almost grabbing her ankle before being pulled into down into the darkness.

Baby cries echoed in Sam's ears, he desperately looked around in the darkness- it felt like the seam but was too dark to be.

Lou?

Sam whipped his head around, desperately looking for his daughter.

Lou!

"She's not here." Fragile's voice replaced the distant cries, "She's dead, Sam. Gone."

No, no Lou's okay. She's visiting- Visiting where?

"Why do you walk with her murderer, my murderer. Are you glad I was killed?"

No! W- Fragile!

"Perhaps you're just like him."

Sam blinked his eyes, turning around to find Fragile standing behind him and aiming a gun at him. Her form flashed into Higgs' and back into her own before the gun fired- a maniacal laugh followed the crack of the bullet.

~-+

"FUCK!" Sam sat up in a cold sweat, gasping for air and looking around.

"Sam! Are you alright?" Dollman stumbled as he tried to sit up- Sam had gotten into a habit of putting Dollman on the pillow he never used at safe rooms.

Sam covered his face, rubbing his temples before the lights flittered on in the room. "Yeah. Bad dream."

Dollman nodded, "Want to discuss it?"

"No, it's fine." Sam stood up, walking over to the sink to splash his face with some water. He hadn't had a nightmare about Amalie in a while, Higgs' presence could be fuling it. They both were pawns of her game after all.

Sam sighed softly, checking his ring terminal for the time and any messages. The sun hadn't risen yet, which is a higher chance for timefall and BTs, so any deliveries were delayed.

Sam put q-pid down on the desk beside the bed before removing his shirt so he could have a shower and try and get his mind off of the nightmare.

Higgs______________________________

Tarman had told Higgs he was going to take a dip at the nearby hot springs, and if he needed anything Die-hardman was still on the ship.

Higgs never talked to Die-hardman, he was convinced the former president still hated him.

Did he even know of Amalie's plan?

So Higgs took the opportunity to sneak into Sam's room- he had noticed his old mask on the shelf a few times from when he first arrived. He had peeked through Sam's window many times, old habits die hard.

He glanced around the hallway before opening the door, Sam's room was like all the others- but it had personality- books, cronobites, a camera alongside photos, and Higgs' mask.

Higgs stopped to look at the photos, grabbing one that had Rainy, Fragile, and Tomorrow in it- smiling happily as they posed.

You could've had that, if only you didn't listen to her.

Shut up.

You could've had what Sam and Fragile had, Sam could've loved you.

You could've had a family

Shut up

You just had to disappoint Coffin

Higgs scowled, putting the picture back on the wall before grabbing what he came in here for- his mask, modeled after Amalie's face. Higgs gripped it tightly before returning to his room, sitting on his bed and just staring at it.

He sighed softly before putting the mask on, staring at the mirror across the room. It was easier to hide behind it, a literal mask or not.

"APAS has great plans for you Higgs. We can continue what you started."

Higgs scowled at his reflection for a moment before looking down at his shaking hands.

After all she done to you, you still love her. You truly are a sick man.

She gave you power, and took it away. Betrayed you. Maybe you just like the pain

Higgs looked up at his reflection, the mask now mimicking his scowl.

That's all you are.

A sick, sick man

A monster

Everyone thinks you are a monster, why pretend to be normal?

Higgs slowly grinned, the smile not reaching his eyes. When he blinked the mask had mimicked the grin.

Would it be worth it..? I'm much better at being a monster than..this

He stood up, walking over to the mirror. Leaning close to his reflection as the mask grinned back at him

But people like me as this

But you're a monster

A monster

Correct, a monster

Good guys kill monsters, don't they? I'm a good guy now

He tilted his head, staring at his reflection- at the monster.

"Kill the monster." Higgs whispered to himself, his grin finally meeting his eyes, "I'm a good guy now."

Higgs bashed his forehead against the mirror, the mask had taken most of the hit but the mirror still cracked. He laughed, bashing his head against the now shattered mirror over and over.

He could feel the seam pulling at him, the suffocating sound of the sea filling his ears as he maniacally laughed. He didn't know how to stop, his mind had gone numb, repeating the last action over and over.

Higgs didn't hear the door open, but he did feel the person pulling him away. He continued laughing, staring at his reflection in the now shattered mirror, the mask had cracked in the forehead as his blood dripped down his chin.

The other person grabbed the mask off, yelling at Higgs but the sound drowned in his ears. He felt like he was in the seam, but somehow still alive. A cruel joke, he couldn't even be able to die and repatriate properly.

A slap broke him out of his daze, his eyes refocused.

Die-hardman

Higgs almost forgot other people were on the ship.

"The fuck!" He yelled, wincing at the slap

"Do you know what you were doing!? You can't kill yourself on the ship! My rules for you and Sam." Die-hardman kept his grip on Higgs, pulling him away from the mirror.

"I don't care about your rules!" Higgs tried pulling away as Die-hardman used the cufflinks to cuff Higgs to his bed. Higgs pulled at his arm before scowling at Die-hardman, "What's your deal!?"

"God damn it, how does Tarman do this." He pinched his brow before pointing at Higgs, "You are staying here, I'm patching your wound and then calling Tarman and you will have to speak to him."

Higgs scoffed, "He's not my dad, I don't listen to what he tells me to do."

"But he is your friend." Die-hardman snapped, "Now sit, no more hurting yourself while I grab the medical supplies."

Higgs pouted, watching Die-hardman step out of the room. He pulled at the cufflink again, swearing under his breath, "Fucking bitch not even letting me finish the job. Prick."

Die-hardman returned with a first aid kit, setting it down on the counter and grabbing the tweezers. Higgs watched carefully, raising a brow as Die-Hardman used the tweezers to take out some of the glass shards that had gotten into Higgs' forehead.

"Ow! Shit!" Higgs flinched away

"Shouldn't have bashed your head into the mirror then, quit complaining." Die-hardman continued to use the tweezers to take out glass shards and place them in a tissue.

Higgs sat still despite the wincing and occasional grumble. After he got a bandage placed on his forehead, Die-hardman left the room and started calling Tarman.

Higgs scowled at the door while it shut before trying to lie down on the bed- though awkwardly due to his arm currently being cuffed to the bedside. He let out a deep sigh, staring at the wall across from him.

Chapter Text

William_______________________________

The constant medical tests were getting annoying, though he knew why they had to happen. It's not everyday you pull out someone from a tube or tar.

Apparently he had tar in his bloodstream, that's why he had strings connected to his arms- Tarman had told him that it was flushing out the tar and if he felt woozy, to make sure to alert someone about it.

Will didn't know why tar was in his blood in the first place, tar shouldn't be there, that's the most he knows. Everything up to being pulled out of his cage was fuzzy, he remembered the colorless place- The Beach according to the man with the strange tattoos.

Apparently he knew the man, they met on the beach. He was familiar, but when Will thought about the colorless place he remembered trying to climb out of the sea only to be pulled back in. He swears he can still feel the weight of the tar strand around his ankle, though every time he checked there was nothing.

Tarman had been nice enough to let him play music, the world had gained many strange things- ships that go through tar, cats with wings (also made from tar), printers that could print buildings and Monsters. Tarman said most of the monsters- BT's, they're called- were gone, though Will could sometimes overhear the man with the black teardrop talking about them outside his door.

Being awake had gotten exhausting, Will was used to the constant push and pull of the beach, not being awake and talk in to people. At the very least, he was alone this time.

Will closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. He could hear some talking outside his door, assuming it's another argument or Tarman preparing to enter. Turns out it was the latter.

Tarman opened the door with a smile, "Goodmorning William, most of the tar has been expelled from your blood so in celebration I ordered some food for us." He walked over, pausing the machines and carefully taking the needle out of Will's arm

"Food." Will repeated, brows furrowing. He couldn't remember the last time he ate, but he didn't look like he was starving so the tar was obviously keeping him alive somehow.

Tarman helped him stand on shaky legs, "Yes, it's called pizza. Higgs requested some earlier and so I wanted to let you have some too."

"Number tattoos guy?" Will asked with a tilt of his head

"Yes, that's Higgs." Tarman chuckled softly, helping Will through the hallway and up the stairs.

The man with the number tattoos- Higgs- was already eating some of the pizza when they got to the bridge. Though he had a bandage on his head this time, Will didn't remember that last time nor Higgs leaving, so it had to have happened earlier.

"What's with your head?" Will asked dryly

Higgs glanced over and scowled, "What's with your inability to mind your business?"

Tarman sighed softly, helping Will sit down and then moving to pat Higgs' head while he went to grab Will some food, "Please don't fight, you're both recovering."

Will narrowed his eyes at Higgs, he didn't get why Higgs got mad, he was just wondering if he was okay. He glanced up when Tarman handed him a plate, "it's good, you can pick off the toppings if you want."

Will nodded in thanks, grabbing the pizza slice and taking a bite of it. He couldn't remember the last time he ate something so delicious, maybe due to being in the tar for who knows how long. Will quickly scarfed down the pizza slice and grabbing another.

"Don't eat them all, I'm the one who ordered it!" Higgs pouted, grabbing a few more slices for him.

~-+

Will was sitting on his bed, flipping through a book that Tarman gave him to keep himself busy. His eyes squinted as the words seemed to faze together, "Damn it." Will huffed, tossing the book then immediately feeling guilty for throwing it.

"Don't know how to read?" Higgs asked, standing in the doorway with a teasing grin

"I do know, the words just keep moving." Will scowled at Higgs, grabbing the book and checking if anything was damaged

Higgs just stared at him blankly

I messed up, why is he looking at me like that?

"Like- blurry moving?" He tilted his head

"Kinda." Will fidgeted with the book, sitting back down

"Probably need glasses." Higgs mumbled, looking away.

Will nodded, looking down at his hands.

Does he hate me for not remembering him?

Am I supposed to remember him?

"Sorry for uh... not remembering you?" He offered, glancing up at Higgs.

The other man stared, blinking for a moment before laughing, "Seriously? Apologizing for forgetting your time on the beach?" He snorted, brushing his hair back, "You don't need to apologize for that, I'd forget if I could." Higgs stared out for a moment, before shaking his head, "You should tell Tarman you need glasses." He waved his hand before turning away

"Higgs..?" Will hesitantly asked, the other man stood stiffly, "I uh..I wanted to also thank you for saving me, or more accurately getting me out of the tar." He rubbed the back of his neck.

Higgs was quiet, shoulders tensing before they slouched, "Yeah, it.. It's nothing."

Will watched as the other left, his leg bouncing from stress.

It wasn't nothing, he took me out of the tar, took me somewhere safe. Him and the other guys, I don't know why they're carrying a doll though, must be used for something?

Why am I even worried about that? It's not my business.

Will laid back on his bed and groaned, rubbing his face.

Everything is so exhausting, why am I always so exhausted?

Will shifted in his bed, settling to curl up against the wall, his exhaustion taking over and making him fall asleep quickly.

Sam_____________________________________

Driving to Heartman's lab wasn't a quick one, but the views and ability to zone out made it feel faster.

Sam knocked on the door despite him able to unlock it if he wanted to, Dollman hummed happily on his hip.

When Heartman answered the door, Dollman immediately started chatting, "Heartman! So good to see you again old friend!"

Heartman chuckled softly, "Ah, Heartman's out on the beach, it's Deadman currently. Good to see you guys." Deadman gestured to the faint scar on his forehead.

Deadman reached out to tug Sam into an embrace, a bit awkward due to Heartman's pod on his chest.

"Good to see you too." Sam huffed out, smiling softly at the other. He followed Deadman into the lab, closing the door behind him and setting Dollman down on the table, "How's it been?"

"Peachy! Heartman is continuing his research as always but has been kind enough to let me borrow his body from time to time." Deadman walked over to the giant window, "I've also been conducting my own research on the ghost mechs."

"Still? I thought they were destroyed." Dollman tapped his chin in thought, "I haven't felt any of them near."

"Neither have I, however I am still curious about the mechs nonetheless."

Sam sat down on the couch, glancing at the BT statues. He'd always thought they were creepy, not really understanding why Heartman had them in his home so casually. He looked back over at Deadman, "You think there might be some out there?"

Deadman hummed softly before nodding, "Most likely, who knows how much ghostmechs APAS supplied Higgs with. Speaking of Higgs, how is he? No problems I hope?"

Sam bristled, knowing Dollman noticed his tenseness at the mention of Higgs, "Tarman said his mech might've fused with his body, still has the weird yellow stomach thingy. He's been fine though, cooperative."

Dollman frowned softly before turning to Deadman, "Higgs has started porting with us, we recently found a man in a test tube of tar. Higgs was the one who broke him out."

Sam nodded, brows furrowing

He's speaking so highly of Higgs like he's a good person, just because he decided to break a giant tube doesn't mean he's a hero now.

Deadman smiled, "Ah, good to know he's changed." He tapped his chin, "Test tube you say? Could you elaborate?"

"Of course! The tube was filled with tar, it had been in the man's blood as well- which we are currently flushing out slowly. He said he was on the beach, so I suspect it could be something of Bridges' doing."

"I know they did tests on repatriates, but this is not something that sounds familiar."

"Registering shock..."

"ah, there goes my time. Talk to you guys again soon." Deadman smiled, his scar and faint look fading out as Heartman's body revived the shock- his heart restarting

Heartman quickly went to his routine of collecting his tears and inputting the data he collected. He took a breath and smiled, "I was hoping you two would visit."

"Of course we would, I missing talking to you in person rather than call." Dollman chuckled

"It's so good to see you in person too, Dollman." Heartman grinned

Sam eyed Dollman as he and Heartman chatted happily.

Are they..together? I wonder why I haven't noticed.

Sam thought back to his first time visiting Heartman in Australia and how Heartman talked to Dollman first then him.

Maybe I just am bad at noticing things, wouldn't be the first time

Sam leaned in the couch, itching his chin as he looked over at Heartman. "Mind if I use your hot spring?"

"Go ahead, just right down the hall." Heartman smiled, gesturing over to show where Sam needed to go.

Sam nodded, heading over to the room.

the room was a simple white room with the hot springs pool in the middle. He took off his gear and suit, folding his clothes in a pile before stepping into the warm water. When he entered the water, the walls flickered to a sky backdrop.

The water soothed his aching muscles, but not his aching heart. He watched the steam wave off the water, sighing softly as he wiped his face.

Of course Lou isn't here, she's an adult now. No more pod.. no more baby..

Adult woman. She's grown up.

The time he lost with his daughter never would be able to be gained, he missed all her milestones- her first word, first steps, first.. everything.

"Fuck.." He mumbled under his breath, letting the loss hit him.

He's lost Fragile, and for what? For Higgs to come back and try to be redeemed, to not just stay dead.

He lost Lou, even though she's an adult now, he still feels like she's gone.

But why did Higgs get to come back? After all the pain he's put Sam through, put innocent people through.

He stared down at his reflection in the water.

In a way, him and Higgs were two sides of the same coin. Amalie used them both for her gain, but chose Sam as the hero and Higgs as the villain. Sam had read his diaries, part of him doesn't blame Higgs for becoming a monster, but the other part resents him for it.

Pain doesn't allow you to hurt others.

"Selfish asshole."

He grumbled out before dunking his head underwater. He brushed his hair back after he exited the water, just sitting back so he could think

He missed Deadman, even though Deadman would use Heartman's body as a vessel.

He missed Fragile, even though he couldn't ever pin what their relationship was.

He missed having a semi-normal life, not having to break his back over orders, not having to deal with BTs or Ghost Mechs or Higgs in general, being able to just take care of Lou

Sam couldn't help but imagine what Dollman would say to him, somthing along the lines of

"You can miss the past and the what could've been, but then you'll miss the present and the what will happen."

He couldn't help but chuckle softly, Dollman was surprisingly good with advice, if he didn't tell Sam he used to be a medium, he would've thought he used to be a therapist.

~-+

The ride back to the DHV wasn't as quick as the ride to Heartman's was. Sam dozed off from time to time- almost driving them off a cliff when Dollman shouted at him.

Sam started some music after the silence got too loud, Dollman seemed to enjoy having his favorite song playing- even singing along from time to time.

It was a welcome distraction, Sam had been in his head enough for the day. He leaned back, glancing over at the landscape.

His eyes widened as he stopped the truck, Dollman yelped as he was suddenly swung forward by the sudden stop.

"Why'd you stop?" Dollman looked down at Sam

"Look, there." Sam pointed out on the horizon

Dollman followed Sam's gaze and gasped softly, "A ghost mech? Higgs said they were all gone."

"He must've lied." Sam started the truck moving again, driving it towards the ghost mech, "We can talk to him about lying later, for now we better get rid of it."

Sam maneuvered the truck, slamming the speed so he could crash into the Ghost Mech.

"Sam careful!" Dollman yelled, covering his face when the truck crashed into the Ghost mech

The mech crashed against rocks, limbs and armor shattering. It squirmed, clawing at the ground with it's intact arms, almost trying to run away from Sam.

Sam got off from the truck, grabbing the battle guitar he kept in the back before approaching the mech. His eyes narrowed as it scrambled, typically the mechs would attack him on sight, yet this one was almost fearing for it's life.

This is ridiculous, the ghost mechs aren't autonomous, they need someone to control them from the beach.. But Higgs isn't on the beach, so maybe they just need to be controlled.

Sam raised the guitar above his head and smashed it against the Ghost Mech, it's head shattering as he continued to bash it.

Stupid mechs

He swung the guitar again

Stupid Higgs

again,

Stupid guitar

again,

Stupid fucking life

again,

WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?

And again.

Sam took deep breaths, staring down at the ghost mech that was now metal scraps. He dropped the guitar, covering his face when he felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

It was silence other than Sam's ragged breaths and the cool air blowing around him.

.

..

...

"Sam?" Dollman quietly asked, "Are you...feeling better?"

Sam looked over at his companion, hoping he couldn't tell that he was on the verge of crying. He huffed, wiping his face, "Yeah. I'm fine."

Dollman frowned, "Are you sure? That was..intense."

Sam looked down at the scraps, shaking his head and tossing the guitar into the trunk. "..I don't know." He hopped onto the seat

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dollman asked quietly, not wanting to pressure Sam.

Sam sat for a moment, staring at the scraps before taking a shaky inhale and driving the truck away. "..I think I'm just tired, of life." He went quiet before continuing, "I think seeing Lou again might help."

Dollman nodded, smiling sadly at his friend, "Of course."