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Paddy is finally half way to sleep, when he hears someone shouting. It's not unusual, they are at war, and he's tempted to pull his one, thin pillow over his head, before he realises what they're saying and who it is that is likely saying it.
He still wants to pull the pillow over his head, but now he can't allow himself to.
Careful not to wake Eoin - curled up on the other side of this dusty mattress on a dusty floor - Paddy stands up and makes for the tent flap.
They're sharing with Bill Fraser tonight, something that Paddy wouldn't usually countenance, but the lad has one hell of a concussion, and Eoin does feel inexplicably fondly towards him. Besides, space is at a premium in this Australian camp where what remains of 11 Commando are bedded down.
Paddy follows the sound of shouting that no one else is reacting to, until he finds the man he thought he would find, standing on the edge of the camp and looking lost.
"Tevendale! Farmiloe! Tevendale, where are you?" Colonel Pedder shouts, the same as he has been shouting this past five minutes.
"Sir?" Paddy says, stepping forward. "Colonel Pedder, sir?"
It takes a minute. Sometimes it takes an age, occasionally they can't see him at all. But Colonel Pedder - the only CO Paddy has ever liked, the first CO Paddy has lost - sees him almost immediately.
"Mayne," he says, looking relieved. "There you are. I thought I was all alone."
"No, sir," Paddy promises. "The men are just asleep. You all right?"
"I..." Pedder frowns then shakes it away. "I think so. Where are we? I was just at the river."
"Aye, we crossed that river," Paddy says. "Just as you wanted us to."
Pedder smiles. "I never had any doubt. Have you see Farmiloe?"
Paddy hasn't, not today. From what he understands, Pedder passed command to Captain Farmiloe just before he died, and Farmiloe was killed soon after.
"Might he be at the river, sir?"
"Ah. Ah, yes." Pedder nods. "Yes, that is where I just saw him. There were such a lot of men crossing. But they're here asleep now, you say?"
Not the ones who Pedder just saw crossing something resembling Litani River, Paddy would bet. They lost near on one hundred men today, and Paddy has been waiting for their spirits to arrive. Now he understands why they haven't.
"Is that where you've been, sir? Helping them to get across?"
"Yes," Pedder says, eyes far away again. "Yes, Farmiloe was the last and then... and then I was here."
"Did you not wish to cross yourself?" Paddy asks.
"Well. Yes. But how could I, without all my men?"
"I think those men who can cross with you have done so," Paddy says. "Those of us left behind on this side will be all right."
Peddler doesn't answer, just looks past Paddy's shoulder at something Paddy can't see.
"Sir. You've taught us everything we need to know. We'll be all right."
Finally, slowly, Pedder's attention comes back to Paddy. There's something in his eyes that makes Paddy wonder if he knows what's happening now. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't; Paddy is never sure which is better.
"Well. What a hell of a thing," says Colonel Pedder and then, just like that, he is gone.
Paddy stares at the spot where he just stood for a long minute. Then he takes a long breath in, shudders and pinches the bridge of his nose. Fuck, but he hates himself some days.
"Paddy?" he hears softly from a way behind himself, and turns to find Eoin standing there in the shadows, watching him.
"Just got up to piss, lad," Paddy says, dropping his hand and dragging his shoulders back.
Eoin, bless him, doesn't mention that this isn't the latrines or that pissing doesn't usually involve talking to oneself on the edge of a campsite. Instead, they just walk together back to bed, shushing each other so as not to wake Fraser.
This time, when they lie down, neither of them preserves the usually-sacred space between them. Eoin shifts closer immediately and Paddy presses his face into Eoin's sweat-and-dirt-crusted hair. After the day 11 Commando has had, no one would question it, not even Paddy.
"I hate this fucking war," Paddy admits, barely audible even to himself. It feels like a betrayal to admit, considering how desperate they both were to fight in the first place.
"Aye," Eoin agrees. "But we're doing our bit."
Paddy gives in to selfishness and greed and lays his arm around Eoin's middle. "That we are," he says, and hopes that he has seen the end to lost souls for tonight.