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Pharan couldn’t move.
He tried to drag himself forward by his fingers, but all he accomplished was that his fingernails lightly scratched the ground.
He felt paralyzed, as if bound to the ground by black magic. But no spell, no curse was responsible for this.
He simply had no strength left.
Tears burned behind his eyes, but he banished them, over and over. He needed to see. He couldn’t let him out of his sight. He couldn’t leave him.
He needed -
“Khem.” He barely managed to get the word out, his voice so thin, he could hardly hear it himself. And the wind cruelly dispersed it before it could reach Khem.
Khem’s eyes were losing focus, tears streamed down his face, his hands had fallen to his sides as his life slowly left him.
Pharan could no longer keep his head up. It dropped to the ground and he strained his eyes so he could still see Khem.
He had promised Khem, promised to keep him safe, to keep him alive… them… together…
But Pharan was about to lose everything.
Ramphueng had won.
They had lost.
“Phi,” one last cry tore from Khem’s throat.
Then he dropped to the ground.
Dead.
“No!”
Pharan woke with a painful gasp. Immediately, he turned to his right.
In the pale light of the very beginning of morning, Khem was sleeping at his side.
A dream. Just a dream. Not real.
Pharan slowly sat up, hoping it would make the pain that was crushing his chest fall off. It hurt to breathe. There was no space for air in his lungs; every part of him filled with the desperate need to hold Khem in his arms. To feel the warmth of his skin, make sure he was truly here, alive.
But Pharan wasn’t the only one that sometimes woke from nightmares. How could he wake Khem, when he was sleeping so sweetly?
Khem’s left hand rested on his stomach, on top of the blanket.
Pharan quietly turned, until he was sitting so he was looking directly at his face, then he carefully laid his own hand on top of Khem’s.
It was warm and soft.
He curled his fingers, so he could touch Khem’s wrist and feel his pulse.
Khem breathed out louder than usual and his eyelids fluttered. Pharan held his breath until he was sure Khem was still asleep.
Then, very slowly, without taking his eyes off Khem’s face, he lifted Khem’s hand until he could press his lips against the back of his hand. He kissed each knuckle, then each fingertip.
It wasn’t enough to soothe the pain in his chest.
Again he remembered not being able to do anything while Ramphueng choked Khem. He remembered Khem’s arms dropping, his body going slack. His eyes -
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to banish the image. It was just a nightmare. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. Khem was alive. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t -
“Phi?”
When Pharan opened his eyes, Khem was looking at him, eyes barely open.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.” Pharan smiled and tried to put Khem’s hand back down, but Khem wouldn’t let him.
Instead, Khem touched his cheek and caressed it with his thumb. Pharan was physically unable to do anything but lean into the touch.
He wanted to tell Khem that it was just a bad dream. That there was no need to worry and he should close his eyes again and sleep more. But he thought that if he tried to say something now, he’d surely start to cry.
Khem sat up too, brows furrowed in worry. He lifted his other hand to Pharan’s face as well, gently cradled his cheek, and wiped away the tears that had begun to fall anyway.
Now that Khem was awake, Pharan could touch him freely, and so he did. He let his shaking fingers seek out the places they longed for. He stroked Khem’s hair, caressed his cheek, his neck, rested his palm across his chest to feel his heartbeat.
“It’s alright, P’Peem, I’m here.” Khem leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of Pharan’s lips, achingly tender. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
Khem pulled him into a hug then, though he might’ve only been reacting to Pharan doing the same. Pharan pressed his face against Khem’s neck, to be surrounded by his comforting smell. There was no need to hold back anymore. Khem would not let him fall apart. Pharan could simply let go and trust that Khem would hold him up.
They stayed like this, embracing tightly, until the ache in Pharan’s chest finally faded.
He slowly lifted his head from Khem’s neck and gently wiped away the teardrops he’d left behind.
“P’Peem.” Khem took his face in his hands and made him look at him. He searched his face and seemed relieved by whatever he saw. Pharan smiled and caressed the spot between Khem’s brows to make sure his frown was truly gone.
There could not be a world without Khem.
Pharan kissed him then. Gently at first, but when he lightly touched his tongue against Khem’s lower lip, Khem immediately opened his mouth, so Pharan could deepen the kiss.
He sometimes wondered if this wanting he felt, this need, would ever abate. He could never be close enough to Khem. Could never have enough of his touch. Never wanted to let go. Never wanted to part. Never again.
Pharan quickly unbuttoned Khem’s pyjamas with practiced movements, but had to stop halfway through because he simply needed both of his hands to hold Khem’s head so he could kiss him as deeply as he wanted.
By now, Khem had learned exactly how and where Pharan liked to be touched. When he did exactly that, Pharan groaned against his lips and fully surrendered to his deft hands.
It took a while for him to remember that there were still buttons that needed to be undone, but once he did, he finished undressing Khem in seconds.
Khem laughed then, a little surprised but mostly delighted by Pharan’s eagerness and wandering hands. Pharan kissed him again, because it was what he always wanted to do when he saw Khem laugh, and here there was no reason to hold back.
“Khem,” Pharan whispered against his skin, because he simply wanted to say the name he loved so much.
Khem replied by pulling Pharan against him, pulling him into him and once again, Pharan completely surrendered.
To be able to pour all his love and longing into Khem, only to receive back just as much… no other blessing was as sacred to Pharan. Only this mattered. Only this, here, them.
They had survived, and now they got to live.